lost a considerable quantity of blood. I was very happy immediately
afterwards. February 19. This morning, Lord's day, two brethren called on
me, to ask me what arrangement there should be made today, as it regarded
the four villages, where some of the brethren were in the habit of
preaching, as, on account of my not being able to preach, one of the
brethren would need to stay at home to take my place. I asked them, kindly
to come again in about an hour, when I would give them an answer. After
they were gone, the Lord gave me faith to rise. I dressed myself, and
determined to go to the chapel. I was enabled to do so, though so weak
when I went, that walking the short distance to the chapel was an exertion
to me. I was enabled to preach this morning with as loud and strong a
voice as usual, and for the usual length of time. After the morning
meeting, a medical friend called on me, and entreated me not to preach
again in the afternoon, as it might greatly injure me. I told him, that I
should indeed consider it great presumption to do so, had the Lord not
given me faith. I preached again in the afternoon, and this medical friend
called again, and said the same concerning the evening meeting.
Nevertheless, having faith, I preached again in the evening. After each
meeting I became stronger, which was a plain proof that the hand of God
was in the matter. After the third meeting I went immediately to bed,
considering that it would be presumption to try my strength needlessly.
February 20. The Lord enabled me to rise early in the morning, and to go
to our usual prayer-meeting, where I read, spoke, and prayed. Afterwards I
wrote four letters, expounded the scriptures at home, and attended the
meeting again in the evening. February 21. I attended the two meetings as
usual, preached in the evening, and did my other work besides. February
22. Today I attended the meeting in the morning, walked afterwards six
miles with two brethren to Newton Bushel, and rode from thence to
Plymouth: February 23. I am now as well as I was before I broke the blood
vessel.--In relating the particulars of this circumstance I would earnestly
warn every one who may read this, not to imitate me in such a thing if he
has no faith; but if he has, it will, as good coin, most assuredly be
honoured by God. I could not say, that, if such a thing should happen
again, I would act in the same way; for when I have been not nearly so
weak as when I had broken the blood-vessel, having no faith, I did not
preach; yet if it were to please the Lord to give me faith, I might be
able to do the same, though even still weaker than at the time just spoken
of.
About this time I repeatedly prayed with sick believers till they were
restored. Unconditionally I asked the Lord for the blessing of bodily
health, (a thing which I could not do now), and almost always had the
petition granted. In some instances, however, the prayer was not answered.
In the same way, whilst in London, Nov. 1829, in answer to my prayers, I
was immediately restored from a bodily infirmity under which I had been
labouring for a long time, and which has never returned since. The way in
which I now account for these facts is as follows. It pleased the Lord, I
think, to give me in such cases something like the gift (not grace) of
faith, so that unconditionally I could ask and look for an answer. The
difference between the gift and the grace of faith seems to me this.
According to the gift of faith I am able to do a thing, or believe that a
thing will come to pass, the not doing of which, or the not believing of
which would not be sin; according to the grace of faith I am able to do a
thing, or believe that a thing will come to pass, respecting which I have
the word of God as the ground to rest upon, and, therefore, the not doing
it, or the not believing it would be sin. For instance, the gift of faith
would be needed, to believe that a sick person should be restored again
though there is no human probability: for there is no promise to that
effect; the grace of faith is needed to believe that the Lord will give me
the necessaries of life, if I first seek the kingdom of God and His
righteousness: for there is a promise to that effect." Matt. vi.
March 18. These two days we have not been able to purchase meat. The
sister in whose house we lodge gave us today part of her dinner. We are
still looking to Jesus for deliverance. We want money to pay the weekly
rent and to buy provisions. March 19. Our landlady sent again of her meat
for our dinner. We have but a halfpenny left. I feel myself very cold in
asking for money: still I hope for deliverance, though I do not see whence
money is to come. We were not able to buy bread today as usual. March 20.
This has been again a day of very great mercies. In the morning we met
round our breakfast which the Lord had provided for us, though we had not
a single penny left. The last half-penny was spent for milk. We were then
still looking to Jesus for fresh supplies. We both had no doubt that the
Lord would interfere. I felt it a trial that I had but little earnestness
in asking the Lord, and had this not been the case, perhaps we might have
had our wants sooner supplied. We have about £7. in the house; but
considering it no longer our own, the Lord kept us from taking of it, with
the view of replacing what we had taken, as formerly I might have done.
The meat which was sent yesterday for our dinner, was enough also for
today. Thus the Lord had provided another meal. Two sisters called upon us
about noon, who gave us two pounds of sugar, one pound of coffee, and two
cakes of chocolate. Whilst they were with us, a poor sister came and
brought 1s. from herself, and 2s. 6d. from another poor sister. Our
landlady also sent us again of her dinner, and also a loaf. Our bread
would scarcely have been enough for tea, had the Lord not thus graciously
provided. In the afternoon the same sister who brought the money, brought
us also from another sister, one pound of butter and 2s., and from another
sister 5s. Thus the Lord graciously has again answered our feeble and cold
breathings. Lord, strengthen our faith.
March 29. I went to Shaldon this morning. Brother Craik has left for
Bristol for four weeks. I think he will only return to take leave, and
that the Lord will give him work there. [What a remarkable presentiment,
which came to pass, concerning my beloved brother and fellow-labourer!]
April 4. Besides our own family, there are now four visitors staying with
us, and we have but 2s. April 5. Four pounds of cheese, and one pound of
butter were sent to us. April 7. Anonymously was sent to us, from
Plymouth, a large ham, with two sovereigns tied in the corner of the cloth
in which the ham was wrapped up. Thus the Lord, once more, in this our
time of need, when our expenses are double, has graciously appeared for us.
April 8. I have again felt much this day that Teignmouth is no longer my
place, and that I shall leave it.
I would observe that in August of the preceding year (1831), I began
greatly to feel as if my work at Teignmouth were done, and that I should
go somewhere else. On writing about this to a friend, I was led, from the
answer I received, to consider the matter more maturely, and at last had
it settled in this way, that it was not likely to be of God, because, for
certain reasons, I should naturally have liked to leave Teignmouth.
Afterwards I felt quite comfortable in remaining there. In the
commencement of the year 1832 I began again much to doubt whether
Teignmouth was my place, or whether my gift was not much more that of
going about from place to place, seeking to bring believers back to the
Scriptures, than to stay in one place and to labour as a pastor. I thought
so particularly whilst at Plymouth, in February. On my return, however, I
resolved to try whether it were not the will of God that I should still
give myself to pastoral work among the brethren at Teignmouth; and, with
more earnestness and faithfulness than ever, I was enabled to attend to
this work, and was certainly much refreshed and blessed in it; and I saw
immediately blessings result from it. This my experience seemed more than
ever to settle me at Teignmouth. But notwithstanding this, the impression
that my work was done there, came back after some time, as the remark in
my journal of April 8th shows, and it became stronger and stronger. There
was one point remarkable in connexion with this. Wherever I went, I
preached with much more enjoyment and power than at Teignmouth, the very
reverse of which had been the case on my first going there. Moreover,
almost every where I had many more hearers than at Teignmouth, and found
the people hungering after food, which, generally speaking, was no longer
the case at Teignmouth.
April 10. I asked the Lord for a text, but obtained none. At last; after
having again much felt that Teignmouth is not my place, I was directed to
Isaiah li. 9-11. April 11. Felt again much that Teignmouth will not much
longer be my residence. April 12. Still feel the impression that
Teignmouth is no longer my place. April 13. Found a letter from Brother
Craik, from Bristol, on my return from Torquay, where I had been to
preach. He invites me to come and help him. It appears to me from what he
writes, that such places as Bristol more suit my gifts. O Lord, teach me!
I have felt this day more than ever, that I shall soon leave Teignmouth. I
fear, however, there is much connected with it which savours of the flesh,
and that makes me fearful. It seems to me as if I should shortly go to
Bristol, if the Lord permit. April 14. Wrote a letter to Brother Craik, in
which I said I should come, if I clearly saw it to be the Lord's will.
Have felt again very much today, yea, far more than ever, that I shall
soon leave Teignmouth. At last I was pressed in spirit to determine that
tomorrow I would tell the brethren so, in order that by the result of this
I might see more of the Lord's mind; and that, at all events, I might have
their prayers, to be directed in this matter by the Lord.
April 15. Lord's day. This evening I preached again once more, as fully
as time would permit, on the Lord's second coming. After having done so, I
told the brethren what effect this doctrine had had upon me, on first
receiving it, even to determine me to leave London, and to preach
throughout the kingdom; but that the Lord had kept me chiefly at
Teignmouth for these two years and three months, and that it seemed to me
now that the time was near when I should leave them. I reminded them of
what I told them when they requested me to take the oversight of them,
that I could make no certain engagement, but stay only so long with them
as I should see it to be the Lord's will to do so. There was much weeping
afterwards. But I am now again in peace. [This would not have been the
case, had the matter not been of God. I knew of no place to go to. My mind
was much directed to Torquay, to preach there for a month or so, and then
to go further. For though I had written that I would come to Bristol, I
meant only to stay there for a few days, and to preach a few times.]
April 16. This morning I am still in peace. I am glad I have spoken to
the brethren, that they may be prepared, in case the Lord should take me
away.--Having again little money, and being about to leave Teignmouth for
several days, I asked the Lord for a fresh supply, and within about four
hours afterwards he sent me, from six different quarters, £3. 7s. 6d. I
left today for Dartmouth, where I preached in the evening.--There was much
weeping today among the saints at Teignmouth. This is already a trial to
me, and it will be still more so should I actually leave.--It is a most
important work to go about and stir up the churches; but it requires much
grace, much self-denial, much saying over the same things, and the
greatest watchfulness and faithfulness, in making use of one's time for
prayer, meditation, and reading the Scriptures.--I had five answers to
prayer today. 1. I awoke at five, for which I had asked the Lord last
evening. 2. The Lord removed from my dear wife an indisposition, under
which she had been suffering. It would have been trying to me to have had
to leave her in that state. 3. The Lord sent us money. 4. There was a
place vacant on the Dartmouth coach, which only passes through Teignmouth.
5. This evening I was assisted in preaching, and my own soul refreshed.
April 17. I preached again at Dartmouth. April 18. I am still at
Dartmouth. I wrote to Brother Craik, that, the Lord willing, I should be
with him at Bristol on the 21st. I preached again this evening, with
especial assistance, before a large congregation. April 19. I awoke early,
and had a good while to myself for prayer and reading the Word, and left
happy in spirit for Torquay, where I preached in the evening with much
help. The brethren are sorry, that, on account of my going to Bristol, my
regular weekly preaching will be given up there for a while. I walked home
after preaching, and arrived at Teignmouth at twelve o'clock.
April 20. I left this morning for Bristol. I preached with little power
(as to my own feeling) in Exeter, from three till half-past four. At five
I left for Taleford, where I preached in the evening, likewise with little
power. I was very tired in body, and had had therefore little prayer. But
still, in both places, the believers seemed refreshed. I went to bed at
eleven, very, very tired.
April 21. This morning I rose a little before five, and attended a prayer
meeting from a quarter past five, to a quarter past six. I spoke for some
time at the meeting. Afterwards I prayed and read again with some
believers, and likewise expounded the Scriptures. The Bristol coach took
me up about ten. I was very faithless on the journey.
I did not speak a single word for Christ, and was therefore wretched in
my soul. This has shown me again my weakness. Though the Lord had been so
gracious to me yesterday, in this particular, both on my way from
Teignmouth to Exeter, and from Exeter to Taleford, and had given me much
encouragement, in that He made my fellow-travellers either thankfully to
receive the word, or constrained them quietly to listen to the testimony;
yet I did not confess Him today. Nor did I give away a single tract,
though I had my pockets full on purpose. O wretched man that I am!
I would offer here a word of warning to my fellow-believers. Often the
work of the Lord itself may be a temptation to keep us from that communion
with Him which is so essential to the benefit of our own souls.--On the
19th I had left Dartmouth, conversed a good deal that day, preached in the
evening, walked afterwards eight miles, had only about five hours sleep,
traveled again the next day twenty-five miles, preached twice, and
conversed very much besides, went to bed at eleven, and rose before five.
All this shows that my body and spirit required rest, and, therefore,
however careless about the Lord's work I might have appeared to my
brethren, I ought to have had a great deal of quiet time for prayer and
reading the Word, especially as I had a long journey before me that day,
and as I was going to Bristol, which in itself required much prayer.
Instead of this, I hurried to the prayer meeting after a few minutes'
private prayer. But let none think that public prayer will make up for
closet communion. Then again, afterwards, when I ought to have withdrawn
myself, as it were, by force, from the company of beloved brethren and
sisters, and given my testimony for the Lord (and, indeed, it would have
been the best testimony I could have given them), by telling them that I
needed secret communion with the Lord: I did not do so, but spent the
time, till the coach came, in conversation with them. Now, however
profitable in some respects it may have been to those with whom I was on
that morning, yet my own soul needed food; and not having had it, I was
lean, and felt the effects of it the whole day, and hence I believe it
came that I was dumb on the coach.
April 22. This morning I preached at Gideon Chapel, Bristol. [Though this
sermon gave rise to false reports, yet the Lord was pleased to bless it to
several; and the false reports were likewise instrumental in bringing many
individuals under the sound of the Word.] In the afternoon I preached at
the Pithay Chapel. [This sermon was a blessing to many, many souls; and
many were brought through it, to come afterwards to hear Brother Craik and
me. Among others it was the means of converting a young man who was a
notorious drunkard, and who was just again on his way to a public house,
when an acquaintance of his met him, and asked him to go with him to hear
a foreigner preach. He did so; and from that moment he was so completely
altered, that he never again went to a public house, and was so happy in
the Lord afterwards that he often neglected his supper, from eagerness to
read the Scriptures, as his wife told me. He died about five months
afterwards.] This evening I was much instructed in hearing Brother Craik
preach. I am now fully persuaded that Bristol is the place where the Lord
will have me to labour.
April 23. This evening I preached again with much assistance at Gideon. I
was very happy. [The Lord made this testimony a blessing to several.] I
feel that Bristol is my place for a while. The Lord mercifully teach me!
April 27. It seems to Brother Craik and myself the Lord's will that we
should go home next week, in order that in quietness, without being
influenced by what we see here, we may more inquire into the Lord's will
concerning us. It especially appears to us much more likely that we should
come to a right conclusion among the brethren and sisters in Devonshire,
whose tears we shall have to witness, and whose entreaties to stay with
them we shall have to hear, than here in Bristol, where we see only those
who wish us to stay. Some asked me to stay with them while Brother Craik
goes home. But it seems better that we should both go. [I observe here, it
was evident that many preferred my beloved brother's gifts to my own; yet,
as he would not come, except I came with him: and as I knew that I also
had been called by the Lord for the ministry of the Word, I knew that I
also should find my work in Bristol, and that though it might be a
different one, yet I should fill up in some measure his lack, whilst he
supplied my deficiencies; and that thus we might both be a benefit to the
church and to the world in Bristol. The result has evidently confirmed
this. I am, moreover, by the grace of God, strengthened to rejoice in my
fellow-labourer's honour, instead of envying him; having, in some measure,
been enabled to enter into the meaning of that word: "A man can receive
nothing, except it be given him from above."]
April 28. It still seems to us the Lord's will that we should both leave
soon, to have quiet time for prayer concerning Bristol. This afternoon I
felt the want of retirement, finding afresh, that the society of brethren
cannot make up for communion with the Lord. I spent about three hours over
the Word and in prayer, this evening, which has been a great refreshment
to my inner man.
April 29. I preached this morning with much outward power, but with
little inward enjoyment, on Rev. iii. 14-22. [As it afterwards appeared,
that testimony was blessed to many, though I lacked enjoyment in my own
soul. May this be an encouragement to those who labour in word and
doctrine!] This afternoon Brother Craik preached in a vessel called the
Clifton Ark, fitted up for a chapel. In the evening I preached in the same
vessel. [These testimonies also God greatly honoured, and made them the
means of afterwards bringing several, who then heard us, to our meeting
places. How did God bless us in everything we took into our hands! How was
He with us, and how did He help us, thereby evidently showing that He
Himself had sent us to this city!] Brother Craik preached this evening
at Gideon for the last time previous to our going. The aisles, the pulpit
stairs, and the vestry were filled, and multitudes went away on account of
the want of room.
April 30. It was most affecting to take leave of the dear children of
God, dozens pressing us to return soon, many with tears in their eyes. The
blessing which the Lord has given to our ministry, seems to be very great.
We both see it fully the Lord's will to come here, though we do not see
under what circumstances. A brother has promised to take Bethesda Chapel
for us, and to be answerable for the payment of the rent: so that thus we
should have two large chapels.-I saw, again, two instances today, in which
my preaching has been blessed.
May 1. Brother Craik and I left this morning for Devonshire. May 2. I
preached this evening at Bishopsteignton, and told the brethren, that, the
Lord willing, I should soon leave them. May 3. I saw several of the
brethren today, and felt so fully assured that it is the Lord's will that
I should go to Bristol, that I told them so. This evening I had a meeting
with the three deacons, when I told them plainly about it; asking them, if
they see any thing wrong in me concerning this matter, to tell me of it.
They had nothing to say against it; yea, though much wishing me to stay,
they were convinced themselves that my going is of God.
May 4. I saw again several brethren today, and told them about my
intention to go to Bristol. There is much sorrowing and sighing, but it
does not move me in the least, though I desire to sympathize with them. I
am still fully persuaded that the Lord will have us go to Bristol. May 5.
One other striking proof to my mind, that my leaving Teignmouth is of God,
is, that some truly spiritual believers, though they much wish me to stay,
themselves see that I ought to go to Bristol.
May 7. Having received a letter from Bristol on May 5th, it was answered
today in such a way that the Lord may have another opportunity, to prevent
our going thither, if it be not of Him. Especially we will not move a
single stone out of the way in our own strength, and much less still be
guilty of a want of openness and plainness, nor would we wish by such
means to obtain Bethesda chapel.
May 11. The Lord seems to try us about Bristol. There was reason to
expect a letter the day before yesterday, but none came; also today there
is no letter. Even this is very good for us. Yea, I do wish most heartily
that we may not have Bethesda chapel, if it be not good for us.
May 15. Just when I was in prayer concerning Bristol, I was sent for to
come to Brother Craik. Two letters had arrived from Bristol. The brethren
assembling at Gideon accept our offer to come under the conditions we have
made, i.e., for the present to consider us only as ministering among them,
but not in any fixed pastoral relationship, so that we may preach as we
consider it to be according to the mind of God, without reference to any
rules among them; that the pew-rents should be done away with and that we
should go on, respecting the supply of our temporal wants, as in
Devonshire. We intend, the Lord willing, to leave in about a week, though
there is nothing settled respecting Bethesda chapel.
May 16. I preached for the last time at Bishopsteignton, and took leave
of the brethren. May 17. I went to Exmouth, and, after preaching, took
leave of the brethren. May 21. I began today to take leave of the brethren
at Teignmouth, calling on each of them. In the evening I went over to
Shaldon to take leave of the brethren, of whom brother Craik has had the
oversight. It has been a trying day. Much weeping on the part of the
saints. Were I not so fully persuaded that it is the will of God we should
go to Bristol, I should have been hardly able to bear it.
May 22. The brethren at Shaldon and Teignmouth say, that they expect us
soon back again. As far as I understand the way in which God deals with
his children, this seems very unlikely. In every respect we have seen the
Lord's goodness, and all proves that it is His will that we should go to
Bristol. This full persuasion has helped me to withstand all the tears of
the saints. Towards the evening the Lord, after repeated prayer, gave me
Col. i. 21-23, as a text, for the last word of exhortation. It seemed to
me best to speak as little as possible about myself, and as much as
possible about Christ. I scarcely alluded to our separation, and only
commended myself and the brethren, in the concluding prayer, to the Lord.
The parting scenes are very trying, but my full persuasion is, that the
separation is of the Lord.
May 23. My beloved wife, Mr. Groves, my father-in-law, and I left this
morning for Exeter. Dear brother Craik intends to follow us tomorrow.
Review of the time since I left London, up to my removal from Teignmouth.
I. All this time the Lord never allowed me to regret the step I had
taken, in separating from the Society.
II. The results have most abundantly shown, that it was of God; for, by
His help, 1, I have not lost in truth or grace since. 2, I have been in
peace concerning the matter. 3, the Lord made it a blessing to many souls.