of heart than I had been for any length of time before, I was not once
overcome by my former outward besetting sins, though I have nothing to
boast of even as it regards that period; and were only the sins of those
days brought against me, had I not the blood of Jesus to plead, I should
be most miserable. But I think it right to mention, for the glory of God,
as I have so freely spoken about my falls, that whilst I was more than
ever unobserved by others; and whilst I was living in the midst of more
gaiety and temptations than ever; and had far more money than at any
previous time of my life; I was kept from things of which I had been
habitually guilty in my unconverted days!--My health was in a very weak
state, almost the whole time whilst I was staying in Berlin, and was in no
degree better, till, on the advice of, a believing medical professor, I
gave up all medicine.
Having now without any further difficulty obtained my passport, I left
Berlin on February 3rd, 1829, for London. The Lord gave me more grace on
my way from Berlin than on my way to it; for my mouth was almost
immediately opened to my fellow-travelers, and the message of the Gospel
seemed to be listened to with interest, particularly by one. On February
5th I arrived at my father's house; it was the place where I had lived as
a boy, and the scene of many of my sins, my father having now returned to
it after his retirement from office. I came to it with peculiar feelings.
These feelings were not excited merely by the fact of my having been seven
years absent from it, but arose from the spiritual change I had undergone
since I last saw the place; for I had never been at Heimersleben since my
father fetched me from thence, which was a few days after my imprisonment
at Wolfenbüttel had come to an end. There were but three persons in the
whole town with whom my soul had any fellowship. One of them had spent all
his money in coal mines, and was then earning his daily bread by thrashing
corn. As a boy I had in my heart laughed at him, for he seemed so
different from all other people. Now I sought him out, having previously
been informed that he was a believer, to acknowledge him as such, by
having fellowship with him, and attending, a meeting in his house on the
Lord's day evening. My soul was refreshed, and his also. Such a spiritual
feast, as meeting with a brother, was a rare thing to him. May we
believers who live in Great Britain, and especially those of us who are
surrounded by many children of God, seek for grace, more highly to prize
the blessings which, we enjoy through fellowship with brethren! This dear
brother, who had then been a believer for more than twenty years, had only
a few times heard the gospel preached during all that period. What a
wonderful thing that I, one of the vilest of those brought up in that
small town, should have been so abundantly favoured, as to have been
brought to the knowledge of the truth, whilst none of all my relations,
and scarcely one of those who grew up with me, so far as it has come to my
knowledge, know the Lord!
I left my father's house on February 10th, with the prospect of seeing
him again in about a twelvemonth, as a missionary among the Jews. But how
has the Lord graciously altered matters!--I was kindly lodged for a
night at Halberstadt by an aged brother, and then proceeded towards
Rotterdam, by the way of Munster. At Munster I rested a few days, and was
very kindly received by several brethren. They were officers in the army,
and two of them had been, but a little while before this, Roman Catholics.
I lodged in the house of a beloved brother, a tailor, who likewise had
been a Roman Catholic.
About February 22nd I arrived at Rotterdam. I took lodgings in the house
of a believer, where two German brethren lodged, whom I had known at
Halle, and who intended to go out as missionaries in connexion with the
Dutch Missionary Society. It was a peculiar feeling to me, for the first
time in my life to find myself among Christians of another nation, to
attend their family prayer, hear them sing, &c. In spirit I had fellowship
with them, though our communication was but broken, as I understood but
little of the Dutch language. Here also I heard for the first time the
preaching of the Gospel in English, of which I knew enough to understand a
part of what was said.--My going to England by the way of Rotterdam was
not the usual way; but consulting with a brother in Berlin, who had been
twice in England, I was told that this was the cheapest route. My asking
this brother, to be profited by his experience, would have been quite
right, had I, besides this, like Ezra, sought of the Lord the right way.
Ezra viii. 21. But I sought unto men only, and not at all unto the Lord,
in this matter. When I came to Rotterdam, I found that no vessels went at
that time from that port to London, on account of the ice having just
broken up in the river, and that it would be several weeks before the
steamers would again begin to ply. Thus I had to wait nearly a month at
Rotterdam, and, therefore, not only needed much more time than I should
have required to go by way of Hamburgh, but also much more money.
On March 19th, 1829, I landed in London. I now found myself, in a great
measure, as it regards liberty, brought back to the years when I was at
school; yea, almost all the time I had been at school, and certainly for
the last four years, previous to my coming to England, I was not so much
bound to time and order as I was in this seminary; and had not there been
a degree of grace in me, yea, so much as not to regard the liberty of the
flesh, I should now probably have given up all idea of being a missionary
to the Jews. But as I did not see that anything was expected from me which
I could not conscientiously accede to, I thought it right to submit
myself, for the Lord's sake, to all the regulations of the institution.
My brethren in the seminary, most of them Germans, had instruction in
Hebrew, Latin, Greek, French, German, &c., scarcely any of them having had
a classical education; I read only Hebrew, and was exempted from all the
rest. I remember how I longed to be able to expound the Scriptures in
English, when I heard a German brother do so, a few days after my arrival.
And I also remember what joy it gave me, when a few weeks after, for the
first time, I spoke in English to a little boy, whom I met alone in the
fields, about his soul, thinking that he would bear with my broken
English.--I now studied much, about twelve hours a day, chiefly Hebrew;
commenced Chaldee; perfected myself in reading the German-Jewish in
Rabbinic characters, committed portions of the Hebrew Old Testament to
memory, &c.; and this I did with prayer, often falling on my knees,
leaving my books for a little, that I might seek the Lord's blessing, and
also, that I might be kept from that spiritual deadness, which is so
frequently the result of much study. I looked up to the Lord even whilst
turning over the leaves of my Hebrew dictionary, asking His help, that I
might quickly find the words. I made comparatively little progress in
English; for living with some of my countrymen, I was continually led to
converse in German.
My experience in this particular leads me to remark, that, should this
fall into the hands of any who are desirous to labour as missionaries
among a people whose language is not their own, they should seek not
merely to live among them, for the sake of soon learning their language,
but also, as much as possible, to be separated from those who speak their
own language; for, when, some months after, I was in Devonshire,
completely separated from those who spoke German, I daily made much
progress, whilst I made comparatively little in London.
Soon after my arrival in England, I heard one of the brethren in the
seminary speak about a Mr. Groves, a dentist in Exeter, who, for the
Lord's sake, had given up his profession, which brought him in about
fifteen hundred pounds a year, and who intended to go as a missionary to
Persia, with his wife and children, simply trusting in the Lord for
temporal supplies. This made such an impression on me, and delighted me
so, that I not only marked it down in my journal, but also wrote about it
to my German friends.
I came to England weak in body, and in consequence of much study, as I
suppose, I was taken ill on May 15, and was soon, at least in my own
estimation, apparently, beyond recovery. The weaker I became in body, the
happier I was in spirit. Never in my whole life had I seen myself so vile,
so guilty, so altogether what I ought not to have been, as at this time.
It was as if every sin, of which I had been guilty, was brought to my
remembrance; but, at the same time, I could realize that all my sins were
completely forgiven that I was washed and made clean, completely clean, in
the blood of Jesus. The result of this was, great peace. I longed
exceedingly to depart and to be with Christ. When my medical attendant
came to see me, my prayer was something like this: "Lord, Thou knowest
that he does not know what is for my real welfare, therefore do Thou
direct him." When I took my medicine, my hearty prayer each time was
something like this: "Lord, Thou knowest that this medicine is in itself
nothing, no more than as if I were to take a little water. Now please, 0
Lord, to let it produce the effect which is for my real welfare, and for
Thy glory. Let me either be taken soon to Thyself or let me be soon
restored; let me be ill for a longer time, and then taken to Thyself, or
let me be ill for a longer time, and then restored. 0 Lord, do with me as
seemeth Thee best!" One sin in particular was brought to my mind, which I
never had seen before, viz., that whilst all my life, even in former
sicknesses, I had been blessed with uninterrupted refreshing sleep, which
now, for some nights, had almost entirely fled from my eyes, I had never
heartily thanked God for it.
After I had been ill about a fortnight, my medical attendant unexpectedly
pronounced me better. This, instead of giving me joy, bowed me down, so
great was my desire to be with the Lord; though almost immediately
afterwards grace was given me to submit myself to the will of God. After
some days I was able to leave my room. Whilst recovering I still continued
in a spiritual state of heart, desiring to depart and to be with Christ.
As I recovered but slowly, my friends entreated me to go into the country
for change of air; but my heart was in such a happy and spiritual frame,
that I did not like the thought of traveling and seeing places. So far was
I changed, who once had been so passionately fond of traveling. But as my
friends continued to advise me to go into the country, I thought at last
that it might be the will of God that I should do so, and I prayed
therefore thus to the Lord: "Lord, I will gladly submit myself to Thy
will, and go if Thou wilt have me to go. And now let me know Thy will by
the answer of my medical attendant. If, in reply to my question, he says
it would be very good for me, I will go; but if he says it is of no great
importance, then I will stay." When I asked him, he said that it was the
best thing I could do. I was then enabled willingly to submit, and
accordingly went to Teignmouth. It was there that I became acquainted with
my beloved brother, friend, and fellow-labourer, Henry Craik.
A few days after my arrival at Teignmouth, the chapel, called Ebenezer,
was reopened, and I attended the opening. I was much impressed by one of
those who preached on the occasion. For though I did not like all he said,
yet I saw a gravity and solemnity in him different from the rest. After he
had preached, I had a great desire to know more of him; and being invited
by two brethren of Exmouth, in whose house he was staying, to spend some
time with them, I had an opportunity of living ten days with him under the
same roof. Through the instrumentality of this brother the Lord bestowed a
great blessing upon me, for which I shall have cause to thank Him
throughout eternity.
I will mention some points which God then began to show me.
1. That the word of God alone is our standard of judgment in spiritual
things; that it can be explained only by the Holy Spirit; and that in our
day, as well as in former times, He is the teacher of His people. The
office of the Holy Spirit I had not experimentally understood before that
time. Indeed, of the office of each of the blessed persons, in what is
commonly called the Trinity, I had no experimental apprehension. I had not
before seen from the Scriptures that the Father chose us before the
foundation of the world; that in Him that wonderful plan of our redemption
originated, and that He also appointed all the means by which it was to be
brought about. Further, that the Son, to save us, had fulfilled the law,
to satisfy its demands, and with it also the holiness of God; that He had
borne the punishment due to our sins, and had thus satisfied the justice
of God. And further, that the Holy Spirit alone can teach us about our
state by nature, show us the need of a Saviour, enable us to believe in
Christ, explain to us the Scriptures, help us in preaching, &c. It was my
beginning to understand this latter point in particular, which had a great
effect on me; for the Lord enabled me to put it to the test of experience,
by laying aside commentaries, and almost every other book, and simply
reading the word of God and studying it. The result of this was, that the
first evening that I shut myself into my room, to give myself to prayer
and meditation over the Scriptures, I learned more in a few hours than I
had done during a period of several months previously. But the particular
difference was, that I received real strength for my soul in doing so. I
now began to try by the test of the Scriptures the things which I had
learned and seen, and found that only those principles, which stood the
test, were really of value.
2. Before this period I had been much opposed to the doctrines of
election, particular redemption, and final persevering grace; so much so
that, a few days after my arrival at Teignmouth, I called election a
devilish doctrine. I did not believe that I had brought myself to the
Lord, for that was too manifestly false; but yet I held, that I might have
resisted finally. And further, I knew nothing about the choice of God's
people, and did not believe that the child of God, when once made so, was
safe for ever. In my fleshly mind I had repeatedly said, If once I could
prove that I am a child of God for ever, I might go back into the world
for a year or two, and then return to the Lord, and at last be saved. But
now I was brought to examine these precious truths by the word of God.
Being made willing to have no glory of my own in the conversion of
sinners, but to consider myself merely as an instrument; and being made
willing to receive what the Scriptures said; I went to the Word, reading
the New Testament from the beginning, with a particular reference to these
truths. To my great astonishment I found that the passages which speak
decidedly for election and persevering grace, were about four times as
many as those which speak apparently against these truths; and even those
few, shortly after, when I had examined and understood them, served to
confirm me in the above doctrines. As to the effect which my belief in
these doctrines had on me, I am constrained to state, for God's glory,
that though I am still exceedingly weak, and by no means so dead to the
lusts of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, as I
might and as I ought to be, yet, by the grace of God, I have walked more
closely with Him since that period. My life has not been so variable, and
I may say that I have lived much more for God than before. And for this
have I been strengthened by the Lord, in a great measure, through the
instrumentality of these truths. For in the time of temptation, I have
been repeatedly led to say: Should I thus sin? I should only bring misery
into my soul for a time, and dishonour God; for, being a son of God for
ever, I should have to be brought back again, though it might be in the
way of severe chastisement. Thus, I say, the electing love of God in
Christ (when I have been able to realize it) has often been the means of
producing holiness, instead of leading me into sin. It is only the
notional apprehension of such truths, the want of having them in the
heart, whilst they are in the head, which is dangerous.
3. Another truth, into which, in a measure, I was led during my stay in
Devonshire, respected the Lord's coming. My views concerning this point,
up to that time, had been completely vague and unscriptural. I had
believed what others told me, without trying it by the Word. I thought
that things were getting better and better, and that soon the whole world
would be converted. But now I found in the Word, that we have not the
least Scriptural warrant to look for the conversion of the world before
the return of our Lord. I found in the Scriptures, that that which will
usher in the glory of the church, and uninterrupted joy to the saints, is
the return of the Lord Jesus, and that, till then, things will be more or
less in confusion. I found in the Word, that the return of Jesus, and not
death, was the hope of the apostolic Christians; and that it became me,
therefore, to look for His appearing. And this truth entered so into my
heart, that, though I went into Devonshire exceedingly weak, scarcely
expecting that I should return again to London, yet I was immediately, on
seeing the truth, brought off from looking for death, and was made to look
for the return of the Lord. Having seen this truth, the Lord also
graciously enabled me to apply it, in some measure at least, to my own
heart, and to put the solemn question to myself--What may I do for the
Lord, before He returns, as He may soon come?
4. In addition to these truths, it pleased the Lord to lead me to see a
higher standard of devotedness than I had seen before. He led me, in a
measure, to see what is my true glory in this world, even to be despised,
and to be poor and mean with Christ. I saw then, in a measure, though I
have seen it more fully since, that it ill becomes the servant to seek to
be rich, and great, and honoured in that world, where his Lord was poor,
and mean, and despised.
I do not mean to say that all that which I believe at present concerning
these truths, and those which, in connexion with them, the Lord has shown
me since August 1829, were apprehended all at once; and much less did I
see them all at once with the same clearness, as, by the grace of God, I
do now; yet my stay in Devonshire was a most profitable time to my soul.
My prayer had been, before I left London, that the Lord would be pleased
to bless my journey to the benefit of my body and soul. This prayer was
answered in both respects; for in the beginning of September I returned to
London much better in body; and, as to my soul, the change was so great,
that it was like a second conversion.
After my return to London, I sought to benefit my brethren in the
seminary, and the means which I used were these. I proposed to them to
meet together every morning from six to eight for prayer and reading the
Scriptures, and that then each of us should give out what he might
consider the Lord had shown him to be the meaning of the portion read. One
brother in particular was brought into the same state as myself; and
others, I trust, were more or less benefited. Several times, when I went
to my room after family prayer in the evening, I found communion with God
so sweet, that I continued in prayer till after twelve, and then, being
full of joy, went into the room of the brother just referred to; and,
finding him also in a similar frame of heart, we continued praying until
one or two and even then I was a few times so full, of joy, that I could
scarcely sleep, and at six in the morning again called the brethren
together for prayer.
All this moreover did not leave me idle, as it regards actual engagements
in the Lord's work, as I will now show. After I had been for about ten
days in London, and had been confined to the house on account of my
studies, my health began again to decline; and I saw that it would not be
well, my poor body being only like a wreck or brand brought out of the
devil's service, to spend my little remaining strength in study, but that
I now ought to set about actual engagements in the Lord's work,
particularly as He had now given me more light about His truth, and also a
heart to serve Him. I consequently wrote to the committee of the Society,
requesting them to send me out at once, as they had now had an opportunity
of knowing me; and, that they might do so with more confidence, to send me
as a fellow-labourer to an experienced brother. However I received no
answer.
After having waited about five or six weeks, in the meantime seeking in
one way or other to labour for the Lord, it struck me that I was wrong and
acting unscripturally, in waiting for the appointment to missionary work
from my fellow-men; but that, considering myself called by the Lord to
preach the gospel, I ought to begin at once to labour among the Jews in
London, whether I had the title of missionary or not. In consequence of
this I distributed tracts among the Jews, with my name and residence
written on them, thus inviting them to conversation about the things of
God; preached to them in those places where they most numerously collect
together; read the Scriptures regularly with about fifty Jewish boys; and
became a teacher in a Sunday school. In this work I had much enjoyment and
the honour of being reproached and ill-treated for the name of Jesus. But
the Lord gave me grace, never to be kept from the work by any danger, or
the prospect of any suffering.