gave me, from the very commencement of my divine life, a measure of
simplicity and of childlike disposition in spiritual things, so that
whilst I was exceedingly ignorant of the Scriptures, and was still from
time to time overcome even by outward sins, yet I was enabled to carry
most minute matters to the Lord in prayer. And I have found "godliness
profitable unto all things, having promise of the life that now is, and of
that which is to come." Though very weak and ignorant, yet I had now, by
the grace of God, some desire to benefit others, and he who so faithfully
had once served Satan, sought now to win souls for Christ.
I may mention a few instances. I circulated every month, in different
parts of the country, about 300 missionary papers. I also sold and
distributed a considerable number of tracts, and often took my pockets
full in my walks, and distributed them, and spoke to poor people whom I
met. I also wrote letters to some of my former companions in sin. I
visited for thirteen weeks a sick man, who, when I first began to speak to
him about the things of God, was completely ignorant of his state as a
sinner, trusting for salvation in his upright and moral life. After some
weeks, however, the Lord allowed me to see a decided change in him, and he
afterwards repeatedly expressed his gratitude, that I had been sent to him
by God, to be the means of opening his blind eyes. May this encourage the
believing reader to sow the seed, though he does not see it spring up at
once.
Thus the Lord condescended to begin to use me soon after my conversion,
though but little; for I could bear but very little, as I did not see at
that time, as I do now, that God alone can give spiritual life at the
first, and keep it up in the soul afterwards. How imperfectly, however, on
account of my ignorance, some of these things were done, I will show by
the following instance. Once I met a beggar in the fields, and spoke to
him about his soul. But when I perceived it made no impression upon him, I
spoke more loudly; and when he still remained unmoved, I quite bawled in
talking to him; till at last I went away, seeing it was of no use. Though
none had sought the Lord less than myself, when He was pleased to begin
His work in me; yet so ignorant was I of the work of the Spirit, that I
thought my speaking very loudly would force him into repentance towards
God, and faith in the Lord Jesus.
Having heard that there was a schoolmaster living in a village, about six
miles from Halls, who was in the habit of holding a prayer meeting at four
o'clock every morning, with the miners, before they went into the pit,
giving them also an address, I thought he was a believer; and as I knew so
very few brethren, I went to see him, in order, if it might be, to
strengthen his hands. About two years afterwards he told me, that when I
came to him first, he knew not the Lord, but that he had held these
prayer-meetings merely out of kindness to a relative, whose office
it was, but who bad gone on a journey; and that those addresses which
lie had read were not his own, but copied out of a book. He also told me,
that he was much impressed with my kindness, and, what he considered
condescension on my part in coming to see him, and this, together with
my conversation, had been instrumental in leading him to care about the
things of God; and I knew him ever afterwards as a true believer.
This schoolmaster asked me, whether I would not preach in his parish, as
the aged and infirm clergyman would be very glad of my assistance. Up to
this time I had never preached, though for fifteen months past I might
have done so as a student of divinity; for before Christmas 1825 I had
been mercifully kept from attempting to preach, (though I wrote to my
father about July that I had preached, because I knew it would please
him), and after Christmas, when I knew the Lord, I refrained from doing
so, because I felt that I was yet too little instructed in the things of
God. The same reason ought to have still kept me from preaching; yet I
thought, that, by taking a sermon, or the greater part of one, written by
a spiritual man, and committing it to memory, I might benefit the people.
Had I reasoned scripturally, I should have said, surely it cannot be the
will of God, that I should preach in this way, if I have not enough
knowledge of the Scriptures to write a sermon. Moreover, I had not enough
light nor tenderness of conscience to see, that I was a deceiver in the
pulpit; for every body supposes, that the sermon a man preaches is, if not
entirely, at least as to the most part, his own composition.
I now set about putting a printed sermon into a suitable form, and
committing it to memory. It was hard work. There is no joy in man's own
doings and choosings. It took me nearly a whole week to commit to memory
such a sermon as would take up nearly an hour in repeating. I got through
it, but had no enjoyment in the work. It was on August 27, 1826, at eight
in the morning, in a chapel of ease, in connexion with which my friend was
schoolmaster.5 At eleven I repeated the same sermon verbatim in the parish
church. There was one service more, in the afternoon, at which I needed
not to have done any thing; for the schoolmaster might have read a printed
sermon, as he used to do. But having a desire to serve the Lord, though I
often knew not how to do it scripturally; and knowing that this aged and
unenlightened clergyman had had this living for forty-eight years, and
having therefore reason to believe, that the gospel scarcely ever had been
preached in that place; I had it in my heart to preach again in the
afternoon. But I had no second sermon committed to memory. It came,
however, to my mind to read the 5th chapter of Matthew, and to make such
remarks as I was able. I did so. Immediately upon beginning to expound
"Blessed are the poor in spirit, &c." I felt myself greatly assisted; and
whereas in the morning my sermon had not been simple enough for the people
to understand it, I now was listened to with the greatest attention, and I
think was also understood. My own peace and joy were great. I felt this a
blessed work. After the service I left the aged clergyman as soon as
possible, lest I should lose my enjoyment.
On my way to Halle I thought, this is the way I should like always to
preach. But then it came immediately to my mind, that such sort of
preaching might do for illiterate country people, but that it never would
do before a well educated assembly in town. I thought, the truth ought to
be preached at all hazards, but it ought to be given in a different form,
suited to the hearers. Thus I remained unsettled in my mind as it regards
the mode of preaching; and it is not surprising that I did not then see
the truth concerning this matter, for I did not understand the work of the
Spirit, and therefore saw not the powerlessness of human eloquence.
Further, I did not keep in mind, that if the most illiterate persons in
the congregation can comprehend the discourse, the most educated will
understand it too; but that the reverse does not hold true.
It was not till three years afterwards that I was led, through grace, to
see what I now consider the right mode of preparation for the public
preaching of the Word. But about this, if God permit, I will say more when
I come to that period of my life.
I now preached frequently, both in the churches of villages and towns,
but never had any enjoyment in doing so, except when speaking in a simple
way; though the repetition of sermons, which had been committed to memory,
brought more praise from my fellow-creatures. But from neither way of
preaching did I see any fruit. It may be, that the last day may show the
benefit even of these feeble endeavours. One reason why the Lord did not
permit me to see fruit, seems to me, that I should have been most probably
lifted up by success. It may be also, because I prayed exceedingly little
respecting the ministry of the Word, and because I walked so little with
God, and was so rarely a vessel unto honour, sanctified, and meet for the
Master's use.
About the time that I first began to preach I lived for about two months
in free lodgings, provided for poor students of divinity in the
Orphan-House, built in dependence upon God, by that devoted and
eminent servant of Christ, A. H. Franke, Professor of Divinity at Halle,
who died 1727. I mention this, as some years afterwards I was benefited
myself through the faith of this dear man of God.--About that time I was
still so weak that I fell repeatedly into open sins, yet could not
continue in them, nay, not even for a few days, without sorrow of heart,
confession before God, and fleeing to the blood of the Lamb. And so
ignorant was I still, that I bought a crucifix in a frame, and hung it up
in my room, hoping that being thus frequently reminded of the sufferings
of my Saviour, I should not fall so frequently into sin. But in a few days
the looking to the crucifix was as nothing, and I fell about that very
time more than once deeply.
About this time I formed an intimate acquaintance with a brother, who was
also a divinity student: and as we loved one another so much, and were so
happy in one another's society, we thought that it would greatly add to
our joy, and to one another's benefit, to live together, and that thus we
might mutually help one another. Accordingly in September 1826, I left the
free lodgings in the Orphan-House, and lived with him. But alas! we were
not aware, that because God is greatly glorified by the love and union of
His people, for this very reason Satan particularly hates it, and will,
therefore, in every possible way, seek to divide them. We ought to have
especially prayed, and that frequently, that the Lord would keep us
together in love; instead of which, I do not think that we at all feared
disunion, as we loved one another so much. For this reason our great
adversary soon got an advantage by our neglecting prayer concerning this
point, and we were disunited, and love and union were not fully restored
between us till after we had been for some time separated.
Having heard that a very rich lady of title, residing at
Frankfort-on-the-Maine, about two hundred miles from Halle, was a
very pious person, and,in visiting a charitable institution at
Dusselthal, had given very liberally; and wishing much about the
commencement of the year 1827 to help a poor relative with a small sum
of money, and also to pay the remainder of the debt which
I had contracted for my traveling expenses to Switzerland: I
wrote to this lady, asking her to lend me a small sum of money,
in actual amount only little above £5., but, as money in the North
of Germany has much more value than in England, it was as much as £ 12. or
£ 15. in this country. Whilst I was writing, however, the thought occurred
to me, Suppose this lady should not be a believer? I, therefore, pointed
out to her the way of salvation, and related to her how I had been brought
to the knowledge of the truth. But I received no answer by the time I
might have had one.--I would just notice, that since 1829 my practice, on
account of what I found in the Scriptures, Rom. xiii. 8, as it regards
borrowing money, has been different. And, moreover, I have considered that
there is no ground to go away from the door of the Lord to that of a
believer, so long as He is so willing to supply our need.
About January 20th I was one day very wretched. Satan obtained an
advantage over me through over-much work; for I was in the habit of
writing about fourteen hours a day. One morning I was in so wretched a
state, that I said in my heart, what have I now gained by becoming a
Christian? Afterwards I walked about in the streets in this wretched state
of heart, and at last I went into a confectioner's shop, where wine and
ardent spirits were sold, to eat and to drink. But as soon as I had taken
a piece of cake I left the shop, having no rest, as I felt that it was
unbecoming a believer, either to go to such places, or to spend his money
in such a way. In the afternoon of the very day on which, in the
ingratitude of my heart, I had had such unkind thoughts about the Lord,
(who was at that very time in so remarkable a manner supplying my temporal
wants, by my being employed in writing for an AMERICAN Professor), He
graciously showed me my sin, not by a severe chastisement, as I most
righteously deserved, but by adding another mercy to the many He had
already shown me. Oh! how long-suffering is our Lord. How does He bear
with us! May I at least now seek, for the few days whilst I may stay in
this world, to be more grateful for all His mercies!
At two o'clock I received a parcel from Frankfort, containing the exact
sum of money of which I had requested the loan. There was no letter to be
found. I was overwhelmed with the Lord's mercy, but very much regretted
that there was no letter. At last, on carefully examining the paper in
which the silver had been packed, I found one, which I have kept, and
which I translate from the German.
"A peculiar providence has brought me acquainted with the letter which
you have written to Lady B. But you are under a mistake concerning her,
both as it regards her character, and her stay at D., where she never was.
She has been taken for another individual. But that I may lessen in some
measure the difficulties in which you seem to be, I send you the enclosed
small sum, for which you may thank, not the unknown giver, but the Lord,
who turneth the hearts like rivers of water. Hold fast the faith which God
has given you by His Holy Spirit; it is the most precious treasure in this
life, and it contains in itself true happiness. Only seek by watching and
prayer more and more to be delivered from all vanity and self-complacency,
by which even the true believer may be ensnared when he least expects it.
Let it be your chief aim to be more and more humble, faithful, and quiet.
May we not belong to those who say and write continually,' Lord,' 'Lord,'
but who have Him not deeply in their hearts. Christianity consists not in
words, but in power. There must be life in us. For, therefore, God loved
us first that we might love Him in return; and that loving we might
receive power, to be faithful to Him, and to conquer ourselves, the world,
distress, and death. May His Spirit strengthen you for this, that you may
be an able messenger of His Gospel! Amen.
"AN ADORING WORSHIPPER OF THE
SAVIOUR, JESUS CHRIST."
Frankfort-on-the-Maine, January 14th, 1827.
I saw, in some measure, at the time when I received t letter, how much I
needed such a faithful, and, at the same time, loving word of admonition;
but I have seen it more fully since. Self-complacency, and a want of
quietness and saying and writing more frequently "Lord," "Lord," than
acknowledging Him by my life as such; these were the evils against which
at that time I particularly needed to be cautioned; and up to this day I
am still much, very much, lacking in these points: though the Lord, to His
praise I would say it, has done much for me in these particulars since
that time.
After having read this letter, my heart was full of joy, shame and
gratitude. Truly it was the goodness of God which brought my heart into
this state, and not the money for that was gone in a few hours after for
the two purposes above referred to. With my heart full of peculiar
feelings, and ashamed of my conduct in the morning, I left the town
towards the evening, to walk alone in a solitary place. And now, being
particularly conscious of my ingratitude to the Lord for all His mercies,
and of my want of steadfastness in His ways, I could not forbear falling
down on my knees behind a hedge, though the snow was a foot deep, anew to
surrender myself wholly to Him, and to pray for strength that I might for
the future live more to His glory, and also to thank Him for His late
mercy. It was a blessed time, I continued about half an hour in prayer.
After such an experience, it may be difficult for one, who does not know
the plague of his own heart, to think that I was at that time a true
believer, when I tell hint that so base was I, so altogether like a beast
before my God, and unmindful of His mercies to me in Christ, that only a
few weeks after I fell into a wretched backsliding state, in which I
continued for many days, during which time prayer was almost entirely
given up. It was on one of these days that I rang my bell, and ordered the
servant to fetch me wine. And now I began to drink. But how good was the
Lord! Though I desired to drink, that I might be able more easily to go
on in sin, yet He would not allow me to give up myself to the wickedness
of my heart. For whilst in my ungodly days I had drunk once about five
quarts of strong beer in one afternoon, in the way of bravado, and once
also much wine at one time, without remorse of conscience, I could now
take only two or three glasses before the wickedness of my conduct was
brought before me; and my conscience told me that I drank merely for the
sake of drinking, and thus I gave it up.
It was about this time that I formed the plan of exchanging the
University of Halle for that of Berlin, on account of there being a
greater number of believing professors and students in the latter place.
But the whole plan was formed without prayer, or at least without earnest
prayer. When, however, the morning came on which I had to take decided
steps concerning it, and to apply for the university-testimonials, the
Lord graciously stirred me up, prayerfully to consider the matter; and
finding that I bad no sufficient reason for leaving Halle, I gave up the
plan, and have never had reason to regret having done so.
In the vacations, Michaelmas, 1826, and Easter, 1827, and at other times,
I visited a Moravian settlement, called Gnadau, which was only about three
miles distant from the place where my father then resided. Through the
instrumentality of the brethren, whom I met there, my spirit was often
refreshed.
The public means of grace by which I could be benefited were very few.
Though I went regularly to church when I did not preach myself, yet I
scarcely ever heard the truth; for there was no enlightened clergyman in
the town. And when it so happened that I could bear Dr. Tholuck, or any
other godly minister, the prospect of it beforehand, and the looking back
upon it afterwards, served to fill me with joy. Now and then I walked ten
or fifteen miles to enjoy this privilege. May those who enjoy the faithful
ministry of the Word feel exceedingly thankful for it. There are few
blessings on earth greater for a believer; and yet the Lord is frequently
obliged to teach us the value of this blessing by depriving us of it for a
season.
Another means of grace which I attended, besides the Saturday evening
meetings in brother Wagner's house, was a meeting every Lord's day evening
with the believing students, which consisted of six or more in number, and
increased, before I left Halle, to about 20; and which, after the Easter
vacation of 1827, was held in my room till I left Halle. In these meetings
one, or two, or more of the brethren prayed, and we read the Scriptures,
sang hymns, and sometimes also one or another of the brethren spoke a
little in the way of exhortation, and we read also such writings of godly
men as were calculated for edification. I was often greatly stirred up and
refreshed in these meetings; and twice, being in a backsliding state, and
therefore cold and miserable, I opened my heart to the brethren, and was
brought out of that state through the means of their exhortations and
prayers. "Forsake not the assembling of yourselves together," is a most
important exhortation. Even if we should not derive any especial benefit,
at the time, so far as we are conscious, yet we may be kept from much
harm. And very frequently the beginning of coldness of heart is nourished
by keeping away from the meetings of the saints. I know, when I was cold,
and had no real desire to be brought out of that state, I went a few times
into the villages, where I was sure not to meet with brethren, that I
might not be spoken to about the things of God. Yet so gracious was the
Lord, that my very wretchedness brought me back after a few hours. The
Lord had begun a good work in me; and being faithful, though I was
faithless, He would not give me up, but carried on His gracious work in
me; though it would have progressed much more rapidly, had not my
rebellious heart resisted. As to the other means of grace I would say: I
fell into the snare, into which so many young believers fall, the reading
of religious books in preference to the Scriptures. I could no longer read
French and German novels, as I had formerly done, to feed my carnal mind;
but still I did not put into the room of those books the best of all
books. I read tracts, missionary papers, sermons, and biographies of godly
persons. The last kind of books I found more profitable than others, and
had they been well selected, or had I not read too much of such writings,
or had any of them tended particularly to endear the Scriptures to me,
they might have done me much good.--I never had been at any time in my
life in the habit of reading the Holy Scriptures. When under fifteen years
of age, I occasionally read a little of them at school; afterwards God's
precious book was entirely laid aside, so that I never read one single
chapter of it, as far as I remember, till it pleased God to begin a work
of grace in my heart. Now the scriptural way of reasoning would have been:
God Himself has condescended to become an author, and I am ignorant about
that precious book, which His Holy Spirit has caused to be written through
the instrumentality of His servants, and it contains that which I ought to
know, and the knowledge of which will lead me to true happiness; therefore
I ought to read again and again this most precious book, this book of
books, most earnestly, most prayerfully, and with much meditation; and in
this practice I ought to continue all the days of my life. For I was
aware, though I read it but little, that I knew scarcely anything of it.
But instead of acting thus, and being led by my ignorance of the word of
God to study it more, my difficulty in understanding it, and the little
enjoyment I had in it, made me careless of reading it (for much prayerful
reading of the Word, gives not merely more knowledge, but increases the
delight we have in reading it); and thus, like many believers, I
practically preferred, for the first four years of my divine life, the
works of uninspired men to the oracles of the living God. The consequence
was, that I remained a babe, both in knowledge and grace. In knowledge I
say; for all true knowledge must be derived, by the Spirit, from the Word.
And as I neglected the Word, I was for nearly four years so ignorant, that
I did not clearly know even the fundamental points of our holy faith. And
this lack of knowledge most sadly kept me back from walking steadily in
the ways of God. For it is the truth that makes us free, (John viii. 31,
32,) by delivering us from the slavery of the lusts of the flesh, the
lusts of the eyes, and the pride of life. The Word proves it. The
experience of the saints proves it; and also my own experience most
decidedly proves it. For when it pleased the Lord in Aug. 1829, to bring
me really to the Scriptures, my life and walk became very different. And
though even since that I have very much fallen short of what I might and
ought to be, yet, by the grace of God, I have been enabled to live much
nearer to Him than before.
If any believers read this, who practically prefer other books to the
Holy Scriptures, and who enjoy the writings of men much more than the word
of God, may they be warned by my loss. I shall consider this book to have
been the means of doing much good, should it please the Lord, through its
instrumentality, to lead some of His people no longer to neglect the Holy
Scriptures, but to give them that preference, which they have hitherto
bestowed on the writings of men. My dislike to increase the number of
books would have been sufficient to deter me from writing these pages, had
I not been convinced, that this is the only way in which the brethren at
large may be benefited through my mistakes and errors, and been influenced
by the hope, that in answer to my prayers, the reading of my experience
may be the means of leading them to value the Scriptures more highly, and
to make them the rule of all their actions.