Produced by the Bookworm (bookworm.librivox AT gmail.com)
A NARRATIVE OF SOME OF THE LORD'S DEALINGS WITH GEORGE MÜLLER
WRITTEN BY HIMSELF
FIRST PART
NINTH EDITION
J. NISBET & CO., BERNERS STREET, LONDON.
TO BE ALSO HAD IN BRISTOL,
AT THE BIBLE AND TRACT WAREHOUSE OF THE SCRIPTURAL KNOWLEDGE
INSTITUTION FOR HOME AND ABROAD, No. 78 PARK STREET, AND THROUGH
ALL BOOKSELLERS.
1865
[Entered at Stationers' Hall.]
LONDON:
DRYDEN PRESS: J. DAVY AND SONS, 137, LONG ACRE.
PREFACE
TO THE
FIRST EDITION OF THE FIRST PART.
It was only after the consideration of many months, and after much
self-examination as to my motives, and after much earnest
prayer, that I came to the conclusion to write this little
work. I have not taken one single step in the Lord's service,
concerning which I have prayed so much. My great dislike
to increasing the number of religious books would, in
itself, have been sufficient to have kept me for ever from it, had I not
cherished the hope of being instrumental in this way to lead some of my
brethren to value the Holy Scriptures more, and to judge by the standard
of the word of God the principles on which they act. But that which
weighed more with me than any thing was, that I have reason to believe
from what I have seen among the children of God, that many of their trials
arise, either from want of confidence in the Lord as it regards temporal
things, or from carrying on their business in an unscriptural way. On
account, therefore, of the remarkable way in which the Lord has dealt with
me in temporal things, within the last ten years, I feel that I am a
debtor to the Church of Christ, and that I ought, for the benefit of my
poorer brethren especially, to make known, as much as I can, the way in
which I have been led. In addition to this, I know it to be a fact, that
to many souls the Lord has blessed what I have told them about the way in
which He has led me, and therefore it seemed to me a duty to use such
means, whereby others also, with whom I could not possibly converse, might
be benefited. That which at last, on May 6, 1836, induced me finally to
determine to write this Narrative was, that, if the Lord should permit the
book to sell, I might, by the profits arising from the sale, be enabled in
a greater degree to help the poor brethren and sisters among whom I
labour, a matter which just at that time weighed much on my mind. I
therefore at last began to write. But after three days I was obliged to
lay the work again aside, on account of my other pressing engagements. On
May 15th I was laid aside on account of an abscess and now being unable,
for many weeks, to walk about as usual, though able to work at home, I had
time for writing. When the manuscript was nearly completed, I gave it to a
brother to look it over, that I might have his judgment; and the Lord so
refreshed his spirit through it, that he offered to advance the means for
having it printed, with the understanding that if the book should not
sell, he would never consider me his debtor. By this offer not a small
obstacle was removed, as I have no means of my own to defray the expense
of printing. These two last circumstances, connected with many other
points, confirmed me that I had not been mistaken, when I came to the
conclusion that it was the will of God, that I should serve His church in
this way.
The fact of my being a foreigner, and therefore but very imperfectly
acquainted with the English language, I judged to be no sufficient reason
for keeping me from writing. The Christian reader being acquainted with
this fact, will candidly excuse any inaccuracy of expression.
For the poor among the brethren this Narrative is especially intended,
and to their prayers I commend it in particular.
GEORGE MÜLLER.
Bristol, July 5, 1837.
EXTRACT FROM THE PREFACE TO THE SECOND EDITION OF THE FIRST
PART
As to this second edition I would mention, that, while in substance
it is the same as the first, yet, on account of my increased
acquaintance with the English language, many verbal alterations
have been made; also several alterations have been made on account
of the increased light which the Lord has been pleased to grant
me since July, 1937; a few paragraphs have been entirely left out,
and a few new paragraphs have been added.
GEORGE MÜLLER.
Bristol, October 28, 1840.
EXTRACT FROM THE PREFACE TO THE THIRD EDITION OF THE FIRST PART
As the second edition of four thousand copies is exhausted, and
as the Lord condescends to bless this Narrative more and more,
both to believers and unbelievers, it has appeared to me a debt
which I owe to the church of God to publish this third edition.
Several new paragraphs of considerable length have been
introduced.
GEORGE MÜLLER.
Bristol, June 17, 1845.
PREFACE TO THE EIGHTH EDITION OF THE FIRST PART
The Seventh edition of eight thousand copies is also exhausted,
and the Lord condescends to bless yet more and more this Narrative,
both to the the conversion of unbelievers, and to the edification of
His own children. On this account I feel it my duty, as well as my
privilege, to send forth this new edition, in which scarcely any
alterations have been made.
GEORGE MÜLLER.
Bristol, December, 1881.
PREFACE TO THE NINTH EDITION
The reason which led me to the publication of the Eighth edition
of this Narrative, has influenced me also to publish this Ninth
edition.
GEORGE MÜLLER.
Bristol, March, 1895.
A
NARRATIVE,
&c. &c.
I was born at Kroppenstaedt, near Halberstadt, in the kingdom of Prussia,
on September 27th, 1805. In January 1810 my parents removed to
Heimersleben, about four miles from Kroppenstaedt, where my father was
appointed collector in the excise. As a warning to parents I mention, that
my father preferred me to my brother, which was very injurious to both of
us. To me, as tending to produce in my mind a feeling of self-elevation;
and to my brother, by creating in him a dislike both towards my father and
me.
My father, who educated his children on worldly principles, gave us much
money, considering our age; not in order that we might spend it, but, as
he said, to accustom us to possess money without spending it. The result
was, that it led me and my brother into many sins. For I repeatedly spent
a part of the money in a childish way, and afterwards, when my father
looked over my little treasure, I sought to deceive him in making up the
accounts, either by not putting down all the money which he had given me,
or by professing to have more money in hand than was the case, and
counting it out accordingly before him. Now, though this deceit was found
out at last, and I was punished, yet I remained the same. For before I was
ten years old I repeatedly took of the government money which was
intrusted to my father, and which he had to make up; till one day, as he
had repeatedly missed money, he detected my theft, by depositing a counted
sum in the room where I was, and leaving me to myself for a while. Being
thus left alone, I took some of the money, and hid it under my foot in my
shoe. When my father, after his return, had counted and missed the money,
I was searched and my theft detected.
Though I was punished on this and other occasions, yet I do not remember
that at any time, when my sins were found out, it made any other
impression upon me than to make me think how I might do the thing the next
time more cleverly, so as not to be detected. Hence it came, that this was
not the last time that I was guilty of stealing.
When I was between ten and eleven years of age, I was sent to
Halberstadt, to the cathedral classical school, there to be prepared for
the university; for my father's desire was, that I should become a
clergyman: not, indeed, that thus I might serve God, but that I might have
a comfortable living. My time was now spent in studying, reading novels,
and indulging, though so young, in sinful practices. Thus it continued
till I was fourteen years old, when my mother was suddenly removed. The
night she was dying, I, not knowing of her illness, was playing at cards
till two in the morning, and on the next day, being the Lord's day, I went
with some of my companions in sin to a tavern, and then we went about the
streets, half intoxicated.
The following day I attended, for the first time, the religious
instruction, which I was to receive previous to my confirmation. This
likewise was attended to in a careless manner; and when I returned to my
lodgings, my father had arrived to fetch my brother and me home to our
mother's funeral. This bereavement made no lasting impression on my mind.
I grew worse and worse. Three or four days before I was confirmed, (and
thus admitted to partake of the Lord's supper,) I was guilty of gross
immorality; and the very day before my confirmation, when I was in the
vestry with the clergyman to confess my sins, (according to the usual
practice,) after a formal manner, I defrauded him; for I handed over to
him only the twelfth part of the fee which my father had given me for him.
In this state of heart, without prayer, without true repentance, without
faith, without knowledge of the plan of salvation, I was confirmed, and
took the Lord's supper, on the Sunday after Easter 1820. Yet I was not
without some feeling about the solemnity of the thing, and I stayed at
home in the afternoon and evening, whilst the other boys and girls, who
had been confirmed with me, walked about in the fields I also made
resolutions to turn from those vices in which I was living, and to study
more. But as I had no regard to God, and attempted the thing in my own
strength, all soon came to nothing, and I still grew worse.
Six weeks after my confirmation I went for a fortnight to Brunswick, to a
sister of my father, where I became attached to a young female, who was a
Roman catholic. My time till Midsummer 1821 was spent partly in study, but
in a great degree in playing the piano-forte and guitar, reading novels,
frequenting taverns, forming resolutions to become different, yet breaking
them almost as fast as they were made. My money was often spent on my
sinful pleasures, through which I was now and then brought into trouble,
so that once, to satisfy my hunger, I stole a piece of coarse bread, the
allowance of a soldier who was quartered in the house where I lodged. What
a bitter, bitter thing is the service of Satan, even in this world!!
At Midsummer 1821 my father obtained an appointment at Schoenebeck, near
Magdeburg, and I embraced the opportunity of entreating him to remove me
to the cathedral classical school of Magdeburg; for I thought, that, if I
could but leave my companions in sin, and get out, of certain snares, and
be placed under other tutors, I should then live a different life. But as
my dependence in this matter also was not upon God, I fell into a still
worse state. My father consented, and I was allowed to leave Halberstadt,
and to stay at Heimersleben till Michaelmas. During that time I
superintended, according to my father's wish, certain alterations, which
were to be made in his house there, for the sake of letting it profitably.
Being thus quite my own master, I grew still more idle, and lived as much
as before in all sorts of sin.
When Michaelmas came, I persuaded my father to leave me at Heimersleben
till Easter, and to let me read the classics with a clergyman living in
the same place. As Dr. Nagel was a very learned man, and also in the habit
of having pupils under his care, and a friend of my father, my request was
granted. I was now living on the premises belonging to my father, under
little real control, and intrusted with a considerable sum of money, which
I had to collect for my father, from persons who owed it to him. My habits
soon led me to spend a considerable part of this money, giving receipts
for different sums, yet leaving my father to suppose I had not received
them.
In November I went on a pleasure excursion to Magdeburg, where I spent
six days in much sin; and though my absence from home had been found out
by my father, before I returned from thence; yet I took all the money I
could obtain, and went to Brunswick, after I had, through a number of
lies, obtained permission from my tutor. The reason of my going to
Brunswick was, the attachment I had formed eighteen months previously to
the young female residing there. I spent a week at Brunswick, in an
expensive hotel. At the end of the week my money was expended. This, as
well as the want of a passport, prevented my staying any longer in the
hotel; but as I still wished to remain at Brunswick, I went to my uncle,
the husband of my father's sister, and made some excuse for not having
gone to him in the first instance. My uncle, seeing I suppose my unsteady
life, intimated after a week, that he did not wish me to remain with him
any longer.
I then went, without money, to another hotel, in a village near
Brunswick, where I spent another week in an expensive way of living. At
last, the owner of the hotel suspecting that I had no money, asked for
payment, and I was obliged to leave my best clothes as a security, and
could scarcely thus escape from being arrested. I then walked about six
miles, to Wolfenbuttel, went to an inn, and began again to live as if I
had plenty of money. Here I stayed two days, looking out for an
opportunity to run away; for I had now nothing remaining to leave as a
pledge. But the window of my room was too high to allow of my escaping, by
getting down at night. On the second or third morning I went quietly out
of the yard, and then ran off; but being suspected and observed, and
therefore seen to go off, I was immediately called after, and so had to
return.
I now confessed my case, but found no mercy. I was arrested, and taken
between two soldiers to a police officer. Being suspected by him to be a
vagabond or thief, I was examined for about three hours, and then sent to
gaol. I now found myself at the age of sixteen, an inmate of the same
dwelling with thieves and murderers, and treated accordingly. My superior
manners profited nothing. For though, as a particular favour, I received
the first evening some meat with my bread, I had the next day the common
allowance of the prisoners,--very coarse bread and water, and for dinner
vegetables, but no meat. My situation was most wretched. I was locked up
in this place day and night, without permission to leave my cell. The
dinner was such that on the first day I completely loathed it; and left it
untouched. The second day I took a little, the third day all, and the
fourth and following days I would fain have had more. On the second day I
asked the keeper for a Bible, not to consider its blessed contents, but to
pass away the time. However, I received none. Here then I was; no creature
with me; no book, no work in my hands, and large iron rails before my
narrow window.
During the second night I was awakened out of my sleep by the rattling of
the bolts and keys. Three men came into my room. When I asked them in my
fright what it meant, they laughed at me, continuing quietly to try the
iron rails, to see whether I could escape.--After a few days I found out,
that a thief was imprisoned next to me, and, as far as a thick wooden
partition would allow of it, I conversed with him; and shortly after the
governor of the prison allowed him, as a favour to me, to share my cell.
We now passed away our time in relating our adventures, and I was by this
time so wicked, that I was not satisfied with relating things of which I
had been really guilty, but I even invented stories, to show him what a
famous fellow I was.
I waited in vain day after day to be liberated.--After about ten or twelve
days my fellow prisoner and I disagreed, and thus we two wretched beings,
to increase our wretchedness, spent day after day without conversing
together.--I was in prison from December 18th, 1821, till January 12th,
1822, when the keeper came and told me to go with him to the police
office. Here I found, that the Commissioner, before whom I had been tried,
had first written to my uncle at Brunswick, and when he had written in
reply, that it was better to acquaint my father with my conduct, the
Commissioner had done so; and thus I was kept in prison till my father
sent the money which was needed for my traveling expenses, to pay my debt
in the inn, and for my maintenance in the prison. So ungrateful was I now,
for certain little kindnesses shown to me by my fellow-prisoner, that,
although I had promised to call on his sister, to deliver a message from
him, I omitted to do so; and so little had I been benefited by this my
chastisement, that, though I was going home to meet an angry father, only
two hours after I had left the town where I had been imprisoned, I chose
an avowedly wicked person as my traveling companion for a great part of my
journey.
My father, who arrived two days after I had reached Heimersleben, after
having severely beaten me, took me home to Schoenebeck, intending to keep
me there till Easter, and then to send me to a classical school at Halle,
that I might be under strict discipline and the continual inspection of a
tutor. In the meantime I took pupils, whom I instructed in Latin, French,
arithmetic, and German Grammar. I now endeavoured, by diligence in study,
to regain the favour of my father. My habits were, as to outward
appearance, exemplary. I made progress in my own studies, benefited my
pupils, and was soon liked by every body around me, and in a short time my
father had forgotten all. But all this time I was in heart as bad as ever;
for I was still in secret habitually guilty of great sins.
Easter came, and on account of my good behaviour, my diligence in study,
and also because I was no expense to my father, but earned much more than
I cost him, I easily persuaded him to let me stay at home till Michaelmas.
But after that period he would not consent to my remaining any longer with
him, and therefore I left home, pretending to go to Halle to be examined.
But having a hearty dislike to the strict discipline of which I had heard,
and knowing also that I should meet there young men attending the
university with whom I was acquainted, enjoying all the liberty of German
students, whilst I myself was still at school: for these and other reasons
I went to Nordhausen, and had myself examined by the director of the
gymnasium, to be received into that school. I then went home, but never
told my father a word of all this deception, till the day before my
departure, which obliged me to invent a whole chain of lies. He was then
very angry; but at last, through my entreaties and persuasion, he gave way
and allowed me to go. This was in the beginning of October, 1822.
I continued at Nordhausen two years and six months, till Easter, 1825.
During this time I studied with considerable diligence the Latin classics,
French, history, my own language, &c.; but did little in Hebrew, Greek,
and the Mathematics. I lived in the house of the director, and got,
through my conduct, highly into his favour, so much so, that I was held up
by him in the first class as an example to the rest, and he used to take
me regularly with him in his walks, to converse with me in Latin. I used
now to rise regularly at four, winter and summer, and generally studied
all the day, with little exception, till ten at night.
But whilst I was thus outwardly gaining the esteem of my fellow-creatures,
I did not care in the least about God, but lived secretly in
much sin, in consequence of which I was taken ill, and for thirteen weeks
confined to my room. During my illness I had no real sorrow of heart, yet
being under certain natural impressions of religion, I read through
Klopstock's works without weariness. I cared nothing about the word of
God. I had about three hundred books of my own, but no Bible. I
practically set a far higher value upon the writings of Horace and Cicero,
Voltaire and Moliere, than upon the volume of inspiration. Now and then I
felt that I ought to become a different person, and I tried to amend my
conduct, particularly when I went to the Lord's supper, as I used to do
twice every year, with the other young men. The day previous to attending
that ordinance, I used to refrain from certain things; and on the day
itself I was serious, and also swore once or twice to God, with the emblem
of the broken body in my mouth, to become better, thinking that for the
oath's sake I should be induced to reform. But after one or two days were
over, all was forgotten, and I was as bad as before.
I had now grown so wicked, that I could habitually tell lies without
blushing. And further, to show how fearfully wicked I was, I will mention,
out of many others, only one great sin, of which I was guilty, before I
left this place. Through my dissipated life I had contracted debts, which
I had no means of discharging; for my father could allow me only about as
much as I needed for my regular maintenance. One day, after having
received a sum of money from him, and having purposely shown it to some of
my companions, I afterwards feigned that it was stolen, having myself by
force injured the lock of my trunk, and having also designedly forced open
my guitar case. I also feigned myself greatly frightened at what had
happened, ran into the director's room with my coat off, and told him that
my money was stolen. I was greatly pitied. Some friends also gave me now
as much money as I pretended to have lost, and the circumstance afforded
me a ground upon which to ask my creditors to wait longer. But this matter
turned out bitterly; for the director, having ground to suspect me, though
he could not prove anything, never fully restored me to his confidence.
As it regards my own feeling, though I was very wicked, yet this
desperate act of depravity was too much, even for my hardened conscience;
for it never afterwards allowed me to feel easy in the presence of the
director's wife, who, like a kind mother, had waited on me in my illness,
and on whom I had now so willfully brought trouble. How long-suffering was
God at this time, not to destroy me at once! And how merciful that he did
not suffer me to be tried before the police, who easily would have
detected that the whole was a fabrication! I was heartily glad for many
reasons, but particularly on account of this latter circumstance, to be
able soon after to exchange the school for the university.
I had now obtained what I had fondly looked forward to. I became a member
of the university, and that with very honourable testimonials. I had thus
obtained permission to preach in the Lutheran Establishment, but I was as
truly unhappy, and as far from God as ever. I had made strong resolutions,
now at last, to change my course of life, for two reasons: first, because,
without it, I thought no parish would choose me as their pastor; and
secondly, that without a considerable knowledge of divinity I should never
get a good living, as the obtaining of a valuable cure, in Prussia,
generally depends upon the degree which the candidates of the ministry
obtain in passing the examination. But the moment I entered Halle, the
university town, all my resolutions came to nothing.--Being now more than
ever my own master, and without any control as long as I did not fight a
duel, molest the people in the streets, &c., I renewed my profligate life
afresh, though now a student of divinity. When my money was spent, I
pawned my watch and a part of my linen and clothes, or borrowed in other
ways. Yet in the midst of it all I had a desire to renounce this wretched
life, for I had no enjoyment in it, and had sense enough left to see, that
the end one day or other would be miserable; for I should never get a
living. But I had no sorrow of heart on account of offending God.
One day when I was in a tavern with some of my wild fellow-students, I
saw among them one of my former school-fellows, named Beta, whom I had
known four years before at Halberstadt, but whom at that time had
despised, because he was so quiet and serious. It now appeared well to me
to choose him as my friend, thinking that if I could but have better
companions, I should by that means improve my own conduct. I entered into
familiar discourse with him, and we were soon much knit to one another.
"Cursed be the man that trusteth in man, and maketh flesh his arm."
Jeremiah xvii. 5.
This Beta was a backslider. When formerly he was so quiet at school, I
have reason to believe it was because the Spirit of God was working on his
heart; but now, having departed from the Lord, he tried to put off the
ways of God more and more, and to enjoy the world of which he had known
but little before. I sought his friendship because I thought it would lead
me to a steady life; and he gladly formed an acquaintance with me, as he
told me afterwards, because he thought it would bring him into gay
society. Thus my poor foolish heart was again deceived. And yet, God, in
His abundant mercy, made him, after all, in a way which was never thought
of by me, the instrument of doing me good, not merely for time, but for
eternity.
About this period, June 1825, I was again taken ill in consequence of my
profligate and vicious life. My state of health would therefore no longer
allow me to go on in the same course, but my desires were still unchanged.
About the end of July I recovered. After this, my conduct was outwardly
rather better; but this arose only from want of money. At the commencement
of August, Beta and I with two other students, drove about the country,
for four days. All the money for this expensive pleasure had been obtained
by pledging some of our remaining articles. When we returned, instead of
being truly sorry on account of this sin, we thought of fresh pleasures,
and, as my love for traveling was stronger than ever, through what I had
seen on this last journey, I proposed to my friends to set off for
Switzerland. The obstacles in the way, the want of money, and the want of
the passports, were removed by me. For, through forged letters from our
parents, we procured passports; and through pledging all we could,
particularly our books, we obtained as much money as we thought would be
enough. Beta was one of the party.
On August 18th we left Halle. It will be enough to say that we went as
far as Mount Rigi in Switzerland, by the way of Erfurt, Frankfort,
Heidelberg, Stuttgart, Zurich, and returned by the way of Constance, Ulm,
and Nuremberg. Forty-three days we were, day after day, traveling, almost
always on foot. I had now obtained the desire of my heart. I had seen
Switzerland. But still I was far from being happy. The Lord most
graciously preserved us from many calamitous circumstances, which, but for
His gracious providence, might have overtaken us. But I did not see His
hand at that time, as I have seen it since. Sickness of one or more of us,
or separation from one another, which might have so easily befallen us,
would have brought us, being so far from home, and having but just as much
money as was absolutely needed, into a most miserable condition. I was on
this journey like Judas; for, having the common purse, I was a thief. I
managed so, that the journey cost me but two-thirds of what it cost my
friends. Oh! how wicked was I now. At last all of us became tired of
seeing even the most beautiful views; and whilst at first, after having
seen certain scenes, I had been saying with Horace, at the end of
the day, in my pagan heart, "Vixi," (I have lived), I was now glad to
get home again.
September 29th we reached Halle, from whence each of us, for the
remainder of the vacation, went to his father's house. I had now, by many
lies, to satisfy my father concerning the traveling expenses, and
succeeded in deceiving him. During the three weeks I stayed at home I
determined to live differently for the future. Once more the Lord showed
me what resolutions come to, when made in man's strength. I was different
for a few days; but when the vacation was over, and fresh students came,
and, with them, fresh money, all was soon forgotten.
At that time Halle was frequented by 1260 students, about 900 of whom
studied divinity, all of which 900 were allowed to preach, although, I
have reason to believe, not nine of them feared the Lord.
The time was now come when God would have mercy upon me. His love had
been set upon such a wretch as I was before the world was made. His love
had sent His Son to bear the punishment due to me on account of my sins,
and to fulfill the law which I had broken times without number. And now at
a time when I was as careless about Him as ever, He sent His Spirit into
my heart. I had no Bible, and had not read in it for years. I went to
church but seldom; but, from custom, I took the Lord's supper twice a
year. I had never heard the gospel preached, up to the beginning of
November 1825. I had never met with a person who told me that he meant, by
the help of God, to live according to the Holy Scriptures. In short, I had
not the least idea, that there were any persons really different from
myself, except in degree.
One Saturday afternoon, about the middle of November 1825, I had taken a
walk with my friend Beta. On our return he said to me, that he was in the
habit of going on Saturday evenings to the house of a Christian, where
there was a meeting. On further enquiry he told me that they read the
Bible, sang, prayed, and read a printed sermon. No sooner had I heard
this, than it was to me as if I had found something after which I had been
seeking all my life long. I immediately wished to go with my friend, who
was not at once willing to take me; for knowing me as a gay young man, he
thought I should not like this meeting. At last, however, he said he would
call for me.--I would here mention, that Beta seems to have had conviction
of sin, and probably also a degree of acquaintance with the Lord, when
about fifteen years old. Afterwards, being in a cold and worldly state, he
joined me in this sinful Journey to Switzerland. On his return, however,
being extremely miserable, and convinced of his guilt, he made a full
confession of his sin to his father; and whilst with him, sought the
acquaintance of a Christian brother, named Richter. This Dr. Richter, who
himself had studied a few years before at Halle, gave him, on his return
to the university, a letter of introduction to a believing tradesman, of
the name of Wagner. It was this brother, concerning whom Beta spoke to me,
and in whose house the meeting was held.
We went together in the evening. As I did not know the manners of
believers, and the joy they have in seeing poor sinners, even in any
measure caring about the things of God, I made an apology for coming. The
kind answer of this dear brother I shall never forget. He said: "Come as
often as you please; house and heart are open to you." We sat down and
sang a hymn. Then brother Kayser, now a missionary in Africa, in
connection with the London Missionary Society, who was then living at
Halle, fell on his knees, and asked a blessing on our meeting. This
kneeling down made a deep impression upon me; for I had never either seen
any one on his knees, nor had I ever myself prayed on my knees. He then
read a chapter and a printed sermon; for no regular meetings for
expounding the Scriptures were allowed in Prussia, except an ordained
clergyman was present. At the close we sang another hymn, and then the
master of the house prayed. Whilst he prayed, my feeling was something
like this: "I could not pray as well, though I am much more learned than
this illiterate man." The whole made a deep impression on me. I was happy;
though, if I had been asked, why I was happy, I could not have clearly
explained it.
When we walked home, I said to Beta, "All we have seen on our journey to
Switzerland, and all our former pleasures, are as nothing in comparison
with this evening." Whether I fell on my knees when I returned home, I do
not remember; but this I know, that I lay peaceful and happy in my bed.
This shows that the Lord may begin His work in different ways. For I have
not the least doubt, that on that evening, He began a work of grace in me,
though I obtained joy without any deep sorrow of heart, and with scarcely
any knowledge. That evening was the turning point in my life.--The next
day, and Monday, and once or twice besides, I went again to the house of
this brother, where I read the Scriptures with him and another brother;
for it was too long for me to wait till Saturday came again.
Now my life became very different, though not so, that all sins were
given up at once. My wicked companions were given up; the going to taverns
was entirely discontinued; the habitual practice of telling falsehoods was
no longer indulged in, but still a few times after this I spoke an
untruth.--At the time when this change took place, I was engaged in
translating a novel out of French into German, for the press, in order to
obtain the means of gratifying my desire to see Paris, &c. This plan about
the journey was now given up, though I had not light enough to give up the
work in which I was engaged, but finished it. The Lord, however, most
remarkably put various obstacles in the way and did not allow me to sell
the manuscript. At last, seeing that the whole was wrong, I determined
never to sell it, and was enabled to abide by this determination. The
manuscript was burnt.
I now no longer lived habitually in sin, though I was still often
overcome, and sometimes even by open sins, though far less frequently than
before, and not without sorrow of heart. I read the Scriptures, prayed
often, loved the brethren, went to church from right motives, and stood on
the side of Christ; though laughed at by my fellow-students.
It had pleased God to teach me something of the meaning of that precious
truth: "God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that
whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life."
I understood something of the reason why the Lord Jesus died on the cross,
and suffered such agonies in the Garden of Gethsemane: even that thus,
bearing the punishment due to us, we might not have to bear it ourselves.
And, therefore, apprehending in some measure the love of Jesus for my
soul, I was constrained to love Him in return. What all the exhortations
and precepts of my father and others could not effect; what all my own
resolutions could not bring about, even to renounce a life of sin and
profligacy: I was enabled to do, constrained by the love of Jesus. The
individual who desires to have his sins forgiven, must seek for it through
the blood of Jesus. The individual who desires to get power over sin, must
likewise seek it through the blood of Jesus.
In January 1826, I began to read missionary papers, and was greatly
stirred up to become a missionary myself. I prayed frequently concerning
this matter, and thus made more decided progress for a few weeks. But
soon, alas! I was drawn aside. I used frequently to meet a young female,
who also came to the meetings on Saturday evenings; and being the only
pious female of my own age, whom I knew, I soon felt myself greatly
attached to her. This led away my heart from missionary work, for I had
reason to believe that her parents would not allow her to go with me. My
prayers now became cold and formal, and at length were almost entirely
given up. My joy in the Lord left me. In this state I continued for about
six weeks. At the end of that time, about Easter 1826, I saw a devoted
young brother, named Hermann Ball, a learned man, and of wealthy parents,
who, constrained by the love of Christ, preferred labouring in Poland
among the Jews as a missionary, to having a comfortable living near his
relations. His example made a deep impression on me. I was led to apply
his case to my own, and to compare myself with him; for I had given up the
work of the Lord, and, I may say, the Lord Himself, for the sake of a
girl. The result of this comparison was, that I was enabled to give up
this connexion, which I had entered into without prayer, and which thus
had led me away from the Lord. When I was enabled to be decided, the Lord
smiled on me, and I was, for the first time in my life, able fully and
unreservedly to give up myself to Him.
It was at this time that I began truly to enjoy the peace of God, which
passeth all understanding. In this my joy I wrote to my father and
brother, entreating them to seek the Lord, and telling them how happy I
was; thinking, that if the way to happiness were but set before them, they
would gladly embrace it. To my great surprise an angry answer was
returned.--About this period the Lord sent a believer, Dr. Tholuck, as
professor of divinity to Halle, in consequence of which a few believing
students came from other universities. Thus also, through becoming
acquainted with other brethren, the Lord led me on.
With the revival of the work of grace in my heart, after the snare above
referred to had been broken, my former desire, to give myself to
missionary service, returned, and I went at last to my father to obtain
his permission, without which I could not be received into any of the
German missionary institutions. My father was greatly displeased, and
particularly reproached me, saying that he had expended so much money on
my education, in hope that he might comfortably spend his last days with
me in a parsonage, and that he now saw all these prospects come to
nothing. He was angry, and told me he would no longer consider me as his
son. But the Lord gave me grace to remain steadfast. He then entreated me,
and wept before me; yet even this by far harder trial the Lord enabled me
to bear. Before I went away I took an opportunity of reminding my brother
of my former wicked life, and told him that now, having been thus blessed
by God, I could not but live for Him. After I had left my father, though I
wanted more money than at any previous period of my life, as I had to
remain two years longer in the university, I determined, never to take any
more from him; for it seemed to me wrong, so far as I remember, to suffer
myself to be supported by him, when he had no prospect that I should
become, what he would wish me to be, namely, a clergyman with a good
living. This resolution I was enabled to keep.
By the way I would here observe, that the Lord afterwards, in a most
remarkable way, supplied my temporal wants. For shortly after this had
occurred, several American gentlemen, three of whom were professors in
American colleges, came to Halle for literary purposes; and as they did
not understand German, I was recommended by Dr. Tholuck to teach them.
These gentlemen, some of whom were believers, paid so handsomely for the
instruction which I gave them, and for the lectures of certain professors
which I wrote out for them, that I had enough and to spare. Thus did the
Lord richly make up to me the little which I had relinquished for His
sake. "0 fear the Lord, ye His saints; for there is no want to them that
fear Him." Psalm xxxiv. 9.
On my return from my father to Halle, I found that the more experienced
brethren thought that I ought for the present to take no further steps
respecting my desire to go out as a missionary. But still it was more or
less in my mind.--Whitsuntide and the two days following I spent in the
house of a pious clergyman in the country: for all the ministers at Halle,
a town of more than 30,000 inhabitants, were unenlightened men, God
greatly refreshed me through this visit. Dear Beta was with me. On our
return we related to two of our former friends, whose society we had not
quite given up, though we did not any longer live with them in sin, how
happy we had been on our visit. I then told them how I wished they were as
happy as ourselves. They answered, we do not feel that we are sinners.
After this I fell on my knees, and asked God to show them that they were
sinners. Having done so, I left them, and went into my bed-room, where I
continued to pray for them. After a little while I returned to my
sitting-room, and found them both in tears, and both told me that
they now felt themselves to be sinners. From that time a work of grace
commenced in their hearts.
Shortly after this, being still greatly exercised about going out as a
missionary, and wishing much (according to my natural mind, as I now see,)
to have the matter settled, in one way or the other, without being willing
quietly, patiently, and prayerfully to wait on the Lord, I came to the
conclusion to ascertain the Lord's mind by the lot. To this end I not
merely drew a lot in private, but I bought a ticket in the royal lottery;
and I left it thus with the Lord, that if I gained any thing, I should
take it to be His will that I should become a missionary, if not, that I
should remain at home. My ticket came out with a small sum, on account of
which it appeared to me that I should be a missionary. I therefore applied
to the Berlin Missionary Society, but was not accepted, because my father
had not given his consent.
Very soon afterwards I was led to see in some degree, and since then much
more fully, the error into which I had fallen respecting the lot. In the
first place it was altogether wrong, that I, a child of God, should have
any thing to do with so worldly a system as that of the lottery. But it
was also unscriptural to go to the lot at all for the sake of ascertaining
the Lord's mind, and this I ground on the following reasons. We have
neither a commandment of God for it, nor the example of our Lord, nor that
of the apostles, after the Holy Spirit had been given on the day of
Pentecost. 1. We have many exhortations in the word of God to seek to know
His mind by prayer and searching the Holy Scriptures, but no passage which
exhorts us to use the lot. 2. The example of the apostles (Acts i.) in
using the lot, in the choice of an apostle, in the room of Judas Iscariot,
is the only passage, which can be brought in favour of the lot, from the
New Testament, (and to the Old we have not to go under this dispensation,
for the sake of ascertaining how we ought to live as disciples of Christ).
Now concerning this circumstance we have to remember, that the Spirit was
not yet given (John vii. 39; ch. xiv. 16, 17; ch. xvi. 7, 13), by whose
teaching especially it is that we may know the mind of the Lord; and hence
we find, that, after the day of Pentecost, the lot was no more used, but
the apostles gave themselves to prayer and fasting to ascertain how they
ought to act.
In addition to this I would give my own experience concerning the lot,
but only by way of illustrating the view just given; for the word of God
is quite sufficient on the subject. And first as it regards my using the
lot in the above case. How did it turn out? I had repeatedly asked the
Lord to show me His mind, whether He would have me to be a missionary or
not. But not coming to a satisfactory assurance, and being very anxious to
have the matter settled, I found out in my own judgment a much shorter
way, namely, the lot. I ought to have said to myself, how can an
individual, so ignorant as you are, think about being a teacher to others?
For though I was truly begotten again, and rested upon Christ alone for
salvation, still I should not have been able to give a clear explanation
of even the most elementary truths of the Gospel. How then could I be fit
to teach others? The first thing therefore I ought to have done, was, to
seek through much prayer, and searching the Scriptures, and a holy life,
to obtain more knowledge of divine things. Further, as to my impatience in
wishing the matter settled, how could I have been fit to endure in that
state the hardships and trials of a missionary life, in which my patience,
no doubt, would have been much more severely tried? I therefore ought to
have said to myself, if I cannot wait quietly, though it be many months
longer, before the Lord shows me clearly His will concerning the matter,
how then can I be fit for missionary work? Instead of thus comparing my
state of heart and knowledge, with what is required in the Scriptures from
him who is to be a teacher, I ran hastily to the lot, and thought I had
done it prayerfully. And how did it end? According to my prayers the lot
decided I should be a missionary among the heathen (and my mind, at that
time, especially inclined to the East Indies). But the way in which the
Lord has led me since has been very different. And it ought not to be said
in defense of the practice of deciding by lot--Perhaps the Lord meant you
to be a missionary among the heathen, but you did not give yourself to the
work? for I actually offered myself to a society, but was not accepted.
Moreover, since 1826 I have repeatedly offered myself most solemnly to the
Lord for this work, and am as sure that it is not His will that I should
go out a missionary for the present, as I am sure of any thing. Nor could
it be said, that perhaps the Lord yet may call me for this work. For if He
should be pleased to do so tomorrow, yet that would prove nothing
concerning the above point. For I did not use the lot to ascertain whether
at any period of my life I should be engaged in missionary work, but
whether I should then set about it. And to put such an explanation on the
matter, would be acting as false prophets, who, when their prophecies
fail, try to find out some way or other, whereby they may show that their
prophecies were true.
About two years after I used the lot in another instance. I went one day
to a village about fifteen miles from Halle, to see the few believers
there. When I was about three miles from the place, it began to get dark;
and finding myself in a spot where the road divided, and not knowing which
way I should choose, I was greatly perplexed. I stood a moment, and then
prayed to God to show me by the lot, which was the right way. Now, truly
one may say, if the use of the lot in our day is according to the will of
God, this was particularly a case for the Lord to direct me through this
means. For here was one of His children in need, looking up to his Father
to help him, through the lot, out of his difficulty, and this His child
also on a journey in His service. I drew the lot and went the way to the
left. After some time I found I was on the wrong road. Now, at last, as I
did not know how to get into the right one, I did what I ought to have
done before, and what I believe to be a scriptural way of acting; I prayed
that the Lord graciously would send some one to put me into the right way;
and almost immediately a carriage came up, and I was directed
on my journey.
In one other instance I used the lot some years after. It concerned a
most important matter, important for my whole life. I had then a degree of
conviction, that I ought prayerfully and patiently to wait for the Lord's
decision. But my natural mind would have the decision at once, and thus
after prayer I drew the lot, to have the matter in one way or other
settled. But facts turned out completely different from what the lot
decided.
To ascertain the Lord's will we ought to use scriptural means. Prayer,
the word of God, and His Spirit should be united together. We should go to
the Lord repeatedly in prayer, and ask Him to teach us by His Spirit
through His word. I say, by His Spirit through His word. For if we should
think that His Spirit led us to do so and so, because certain facts are so
and so, and yet His word is opposed to the step which we are going to
take, we should be deceiving ourselves.
For instance: A brother in business thinks he ought to leave the house in
which he lives, because it is not in a good situation. He wishes to know
the Lord's mind, as he says, and prays about the matter. After a few days,
unexpectedly, a house is offered to him without seeking after it, in a
much better situation. The house is very suitable, as he thinks; the rent
very moderate; and moreover the person who offers him the house tells him,
that, because he is a believer he will let him have it at this cheap rent.
There is, however, this scriptural objection in the way. If he goes into
this house, he must carry on so large a business, to cover his expenses,
that his time will be so occupied as to encroach upon those hours, which
ought to be devoted to his spiritual interests. Now the scriptural way of
deciding would be this: No situation, no business will be given to me by
God, in which I have not time enough to care about my soul (Matthew vi.
33). Therefore, however outward circumstances may appear, it can only be
considered as permitted of God, to prove the genuineness of my love,
faith, and obedience, but by no means as the leading of His providence to
induce me to act contrary to His revealed will.