The Great Presidential Excursion to the Tomb of Douglas.--An Account of
the Ride of the Modern John Gilpin, who went a Pleasuring and came Home
with nothing but the Necks of His Bottles: by His Chaplain.--From
Washington to Detroit.
AT THE BIDDLE HOUSE
(wich is in Detroit, Michigan),
September the 4th, 1866.
Step by step I am assendin the ladder uv fame; step by step I am climbin
to a proud eminence. Three weeks ago I wuz summoned to Washinton by that
eminently grate and good man, Androo Johnson, to attend a consultation
ez to the proposed Western tour, wich wuz to be undertaken for the
purpose uv arousin the masses uv the West to a sence uv the danger wich
wuz threatnin uv em in case they persisted in centralizin the power uv
the Government into the hands uv a Congress, instid uv diffusin it
throughout the hands uv one man, wich is Johnson. I got there too late
to take part in the first uv the discussion. When I arrove they hed
everything settled cepting the appintment uv a Chaplain for the
excursion. The President insisted upon my fillin that position, but
Seward objected. He wanted Beecher, but Johnson wuz inflexibly agin him.
"I am determined," sez he, "to carry out my policy, but I hev some
bowels left. Beecher hez done enuff already, considerin the pay he got.
No, no! he shel be spared this trip; indeed he shel."
"Very good," said Seward; "but at least find some clergyman who endorses
us without hevin P.M. to his honored name. It wood look better."
"I know it wood," replied Johnson; "but where kin we find sich a one? I
hev swung around the entire circle, and heven't ez yet seen him. Nasby
it must be."
There wuz then a lively discussion ez to the propriety, before the
procession started, of removin all the Federal offis-holders on the
proposed route, and appintin men who beleeved in us (Johnson, Beecher,
and Me), that we might be shoor uv a sootable recepshun at each pint at
wich we wuz to stop. The Annointed wuz in favor uv it. Sez he, "Them ez
won't support my polisy shan't eat my bread and butter." Randall and
Doolittle chimed in, for it's got to be a part of their religion to
assent to whatever the President sez, but I mildly protested. I owe a
duty to the party, and I am determined to do it.
"Most High," sez I, "a settin hen wich is lazy makes no fuss; cut its
head off, and it flops about, for a while, lively. Lincoln's
office-holders are settin hens. They don't like yoo nor yoor policy, but
while they are on their nests, they will keep moderitly quiet. Cut off
their heads, and they will spurt their blood in your face. Ez to bein
enshoord of a reception at each point, you need fear nothin. Calkerlatin
moderately, there are at least twenty-five or thirty patriots who feel a
call for every offis in your disposal. So long, Yoor Highnis, ez them
offisis is held just where they kin see em, and they don't know wich is
to git em, yoo may depend upon the entire enthoosiasm uv each,
individyooally and collectively. In short, ef there's 4 offises in a
town, and yoo make the appointments, yoo hev sekoored 4 supporters; till
yoo make the appointments yoo hev the hundred who expect to get em."
The President agreed with me that until after the trip the gullotine
shood stop.
Secretary Seward sejested that a clean shirt wood improve my personal
appearance, and akkordingly a cirkular wuz sent to the clerks in the
Departments, assessin em for that purpose. Sich uv em ez refoosed to
contribute their quota wuz instantly dismissed for disloyalty.
At last we started, and I must say we wuz got up in a highly
conciliatory style. Every wun of the civilians uv the party wore buzzum
pins, et settry, wich wuz presented to em by the Southern delegates to
the Philadelphia Convention, wich wuz made uv the bones uv Federal
soldiers wich hed fallen at various battles. Sum uv em were partiklerly
valuable ez anteeks, hevin bin made from the bones uv the fust soldiers
who fell at Bull Run.
The Noo York recepshun wuz a gay affair. I never saw His Imperial
Highness in better spirits, and he delivered his speech to better
advantage than I ever heard him do it before, and I bleeve I've heard it
a hundred times. We left Noo York sadly. Even now, ez I write, the
remembrance uv that perceshun, the recollection uv that banquet, lingers
around me, and the taste uv them wines is still in my mouth. But we hed
to go. We hed a mishn to perform, and we put ourselves on a steamboat
and started.
ALBANY.--There wuz a immense crowd, but the Czar uv all the Amerikas
didn't get orf his speech here. The Governor welcomed him, but he
welcomed him ez the Cheef Magistrate uv the nashen, and happened to drop
in Lincoln's name. That struck a chill over the party, and the President
got out uv it ez soon ez possible. Bein reseeved ez Chief Magistrate,
and not ez the great Pacificator, ain't His Eggslency's best holt. It
wuz unkind uv Governor Fenton to do it. If he takes the papers, he must
know that His Mightiness ain't got but one speech, and he ought to hev
made sich a reception ez wood hev enabled him to hev got it off. We
shook the dust off uv our feet, and left Albany in disgust.
SKENACTADY.--The people uv this delightfull little village wuz awake
when the Imperial train arrived. The changes hadn't bin made in the
offices here, and consekently there wuz a splendid recepshun. I didn't
suppose there wuz so many patriots along the Mohawk. I wuz pinted out by
sum one ez the President's private adviser--a sort uv private Secretary
uv State; and after the train started, I found jest 211 petitions for
the Post Offis in Skenaktedy in my side coat pocket, wich the patriots
who hed hurrahed so vocifferously hed dexterously deposited there. The
incident wuz a movin one. "Thank God!" thought I. "So long ez we hev the
post offiees to give, we kin alluz hev a party." The Sultan swung around
the cirkle wunst here, and leaving the Constooshun in their hands, the
train moved off.
UTICA.--The President spoke here with greater warmth, and jerked more
originality than I hed before observed. He introdoost here the remark
that he didn't come to make a speech; that he wuz goin to shed a tear
over the tomb uv Douglas; that, in swingin around the circle, he hed
fought traitors on all sides uv it, but that he felt safe. He shood
leave the Constooshn in their hands, and ef a martyr wuz wanted, he wuz
ready to die with neetness and dispatch.
ROME.--Here we hed a splendid recepshun, and I never heard His Majesty
speek more felicitously. He menshuned to the audience that he hed swung
around the Southern side uv the cirkle, and wuz now swingin around the
Northern side uv it, and that he wuz fightin traitors on all sides. He
left the Constitooshun in their hands, and bid em good bye. I received
at this pint only 130 petitions for the post office, wich I took ez a
bad omen for the comin election.
LOCKPORT.--The President is improvin wonderfully. He rises with the
occasion. At this pint he mentioned that he wuz sot on savin the country
wich hed honored him. Ez for himself, his ambishn wuz more than
satisfied. He hed bin Alderman, Member uv the Legislacher, Congressman,
Senator, Military Governor, Vice-President, and President. He hed swung
around the entire circle uv offises, and all he wanted now wuz to heal
the wounds uv the nashen. He felt safe in leavin the Constooshn in their
hands. Ez he swung around the cirkle--
At this pint I interrupted him. I told him that he hed swung around the
cirkle wunst in this town, and ez yooseful ez the phrase wuz, it might
spile by too much yoose.
At Cleveland we begun to get into hot water. Here is the post to which
the devil uv Ablishnism is chained, and his chain is long enough to let
him rage over neerly the whole State. I am pained to state that the
President wuzn't treated here with the respeck due his station. He
commenst deliverin his speech, but wuz made the subjeck uv ribald
laffture. Skasely hed he got to the pint uv swingin around the cirkle,
when a foul-mouthed nigger-lover yelled "Veto!" and another vocifferated
"Noo Orleens!" and another remarked "Memphis!" and one after another
interruption occurred until His Highness wuz completely turned off the
track, and got wild. He forgot his speech, and struck out crazy, but the
starch wuz out uv him, and he wuz worsted. Grant, wich we hed taken
along to draw the crowds, played dirt on us here, and stepped onto a
boat for Detroit, leavin us only Farragut ez a attraction, who tried
twice to git away ditto, but wuz timely prevented. The President
recovered his ekanimity, and swung around the cirkle wunst, and leavin
the Constooshn in their hands, retired.
At the next pint we wuz astounded at seein but one man at the station.
He wuz dressed with a sash over his shoulder, and wuz wavin a flag with
wun hand, firin a saloot with a revolver with the other, and playin
"Hail to the Chief!" on a mouth organ, all to wunst.
"Who are you, my gentle friend?" sez I.
"I'm the newly-appinted Postmaster, sir," sez he. "I'm a perceshun a
waitin here to do honor to our Cheef Magistrate, all alone, sir. There
wuz twenty Johnsonians in this hamlet, sir; but when the commishn came
for me, the other nineteen wuz soured, and sed they didn't care a d----n
for him nor his policy, sir. Where is the President?"
Androo wuz a goin to swing around the cirkle for this one man, and leave
the Constooshn in his hands, but Seward checked him.
At Fremont we hed a handsome recepshun, for the offises hevn't bin
changed there, but Toledo didn't do so well. The crowd didn't cheer
Androo much, but when Farragut was trotted out they gave him a rouser,
wich wuz anything but pleasin to the Cheef Magistrate uv this nashen,
who bleeves in bein respected.
Finally we reeched Detroit. This bein a Democratic city, the President
wuz hisself agin. His speech here wuz wun uv rare merit. He gathered
together in one quiver all the sparklin arrows he had used from
Washington to this point, and shot em one by one. He swung around the
cirkle; he didn't come to make a speech; he hed bin Alderman uv his
native town; he mite hev been Dicktater, but woodent; and ended with a
poetickal cotashun wich I coodent ketch, but wich, ez neer ez I cood
understand, wuz,--
"Kum wun, kum all; this rock shel fly
From its firm base--in a pig's eye."
Here we repose for the nite. To-morrow we start onward, and shel
continue swingin around the cirkle till we reach Chicago.
PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M.
(wich is Postmaster),
and likewise Chaplin to the expedishn.