The Convocation of Hungry Souls at Philadelphia.--A Description of that
Memorable Occasion by One who had been Provided for.
POST OFFIS, CONFEDRIT × ROADS
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
August 14, 1866.
Peace is into me. I hev spent many happy periods in the course uv a
eventful life; but I never knowd what perfeck satisfaction wuz till now.
The first week I wuz married to my Looizer Jane it wuz hevenly; for,
independent uv the other blisses incident to the married state, I
beleeved that she wuz the undivided possessor uv a farm, or ruther her
father wuz, wich, on the old man's decease, wood be hern, and the
prospeck uv a lifetime with a amiable, well-built woman, with a farm big
enough to support me, with prudence on her part, wuz bliss itself; and I
enjoyed it with a degree uv muchness rarely ekaled, until I found out
that it wuz kivered more deeply with mortgages than it wuz ever likely
to be with crops, and my dreem uv happiness busted. Sweet ez wuz this
week, it wuz misery condensed when compared to the season I hev jest
passed through.
I wuz a delegate to Philadelphia. I wuzn't elected nor nothin, and
hedn't any credentials; but the door uv the wigwam I passed,
nevertheless. The door-keeper wuz a Dimokrat, and my breath helped me;
my nose, wich reely blossoms like the lobster, wuz uv yoose; but I spect
my hevin a gray coat on, with a stand up collar, with a brass star onto
it, wuz wat finished the biznis. The Southern delegates fought shy uv
me; but the Northern ones, bless their souls! the minit they saw the
star on the collar uv my gray coat, couldn't do enuff for me. They
addressed me ez Kernel and Gineral, and sed "this wuz trooly an
unmeritid honor," and paid for my drinks; and I succeeded in borrowin a
hundred and twenty dollars of em the first day. I mite hev doubled it;
but the fellows wuz took in so easy that no financeerin wuz required,
and it really wuz no amoozment.
The Convenshun itself wuz the most affectinist gatherin I ever witnist.
I hed a seat beside Randall, who wuz a managin the concern, and I cood
see it all. The crowd rushed into the bildin, and filled it, when
Randall desired attention. He bein the Postmaster General, every one of
em dropped into his seat ez though he hed bin shot, and there wuz the
most perfeck quiet I ever saw. Doolittle, who wuz the Cheerman, winked
at Randall, and nodded his head, when Randall announced that THE
DELEGATES FROM SOUTH KARLINY, AND THE DELEGATES FROM MASSACHOOSITS, WOOD
ENTER ARM IN ARM! With a slow and measured step they cum in; and, at a
signal from Randall, the cheerin commenst--and sich cheerin! Then
Doolittle pulled out his white hankercher, and applied it to his eyes;
and every delegate simultaneously pulled out a white hankercher, and
applied it to his eyes.
To me, this wuz the proudest moment uv my life; not that there wuz
anything partikilerly inspiritin in the scene afore me, for there
wuzzent. Orr, from South Caroliny, looked partikilerly ashamed of
hisself, ez though he wuz going thro a highly nessary, but extremely
disgustin, ceremony, and wuz determined to keep up a stiff upper lip
over it; and Couch looked up to Orr, ez though he wuz afeerd uv him, and
ez though he felt flattered by Orr's condecension in walkin at all with
sich a umble individjooal. But, to my eyes, the scene wuz significant. I
looked into the fucher, and wat did I see, ez them two men--one sneekin,
and tother ashamed uv hisself--walked up that aisle? Wat did I see? I
saw the Democrisy restored to its normal condishun. I saw the reunion uv
the two wings. In fact, I saw the entire Dimokratic bird reunited. The
North, one wing, and the weakest; Kentucky, the beak, sharp, hungry, and
rapacious; South-west, the strong, active wing; Virginny, the legs and
claws; Ohio, the heart; Pennsylvania, the stomach; South Caroliny, the
tail feathers; and Noo Jersey, the balance of the bird,--I saw these
parts, for five years dissevered, come together, holdin nigger in one
claw, and Post Offises in the other, sayin, "Take em both together; they
go in lots." I saw the old Union--the bold, shivelrous Southner a
guidin, controllin, and directin the machine, and assoomin to hisself
the places uv honor, and the Dimokrat uv the North follerin, like a
puppy dog, at his heels, takin sich fat things ez he cood snap up; the
Southerner ashamed uv his associations, but forced to yoose em; the
Northerner uncomfortable in his presence, but tied to him by
self-interest. I saw a comin back the good old times when thirty-four
States met in convenshun, and let eleven rule em; and ez I contemplated
the scene, I too wept, but it wuz in dead earnest.
"Wat are you blubberin for?" asked a enthusiastic delegate in front uv
me, who wuz a swabbin his eyes with a handkercher.
"I'm a Postmaster," sez I, "and must do my dooty in this crisis. Wat are
you sheddin pearls for?" retorted I. "Are you a Postmaster?"
"No," sez he; "but I hope to be;" and he swabbed away with renood
vigger.
"Wat's the matter with the eyes uv all the delegates?" sez I.
"They've all got Post Offisis in em," sez he; and he worked away faster
than ever.
While gettin a fresh handkercher (wich I borrered from the hind coat
pocket uv a delegate near me, and wich, by the way, in my delirious joy,
I forgot to say anythin to him about it), I looked over the Convenshun,
and agin the teers welled up from my heart. My sole wuz full and
overflowin, and I slopped over at the eyes. There, before me, sat that
hero, Dick Taylor, and Cuth Bullitt; and there wuz the Nelsons and
Yeadons, and the representatives uv the first families uv the South, and
in PHILADELPHIA, AT A CONVENTION, with all the leadin Demokrats uv the
North, ceptin Vallandigham and Wood, and they wuz skulkin around within
call, with their watchful eyes on the perceedins. Here is a prospeck!
Here is fatnis! The President into our confidence! The Postmaster
General a runnin the Convention! The bands a playin Dixie and the Star
Spangled Banner alternitly, so that nobody cood complain uv partiality,
or tell reely wich side the Convention wuz on, or wich side it had been
on in the past! Ah! my too susceptible sole filled up agin; the teers
started; but that vent wuznt enuff, and I fell faintin onto the floor.
Twenty or thirty Northern delegates seed me fallin, and ketchin site uv
the gray coat, with the brass star onto it, rushed to ketch me; and they
bore me out uv the wigwam. Sed one, "Wat a techin scene! overpowered by
his feelins." "Yes," sed another: "he deserves a apintment."
I didn't go back to the Convenshun, coz I knowd it wan't no yoose; and
besides, after all the teers that had been shed,--the members wringin
their handkerchers onto the floor,--it wuz sloppy under foot.
Conciliation and tenderness gushed out uv em. I knowd it would be all
right; it couldn't be otherwise. There wuz bonds wich held the members
together, and prevented the possibility uv trouble. Johnson, hevin a
ambition to head a party, must hev a party to head. The Northern
delegashun--wich hed formerly actid with the Ablishnists--couldn't do
nothin without the Democracy North; and both on em combined couldn't do
nothin without the Democracy South, The President cood depend on the
Democracy North, coz he holds the offices; the Democracy North cood
depend on the President, coz he must hev their votes. The President cood
depend on the Democracy South, coz they want him to make a fight agin a
Ablishen Congris, wich is a unconstooshnelly keepin uv em out, and
preventin em from wollopin their niggers; the Democracy South cood
depend on the President, coz he must hev their Representatives in their
seats to beat the Ablishnists in Congris,--all cood depend on all, each
cood depend on the other, coz each faction, or ruther each stripe, hed
its little private axe to grind, wich it coodent do without the others
to turn the grind-stone.
The Southern delegates, some on em, wuznt so well pleased. "What in
thunder," sed one uv em, "did they mean by pilin on the agony over the
the Yanks we killed? by pledgin us to give up the ijee uv seceshen, and
by pledgin on us to pay the Nashnel Yankee debt?"
"'Sh!" sed I; "easy over the rough places. My friend, they didn't mean
it; or, ef they did, _we_ didn't. Is a oath so hard to break? Wood it
trouble that eminent patriot Breckenridge, after all the times he swore
to support the Constitution, to sware to it wunst more? and wood it
trouble him to break it any more than it did in '61? Nay, verily.
Dismiss them gloomy thots. Vallandigham wuz kicked out; but a thousand
mules, and all uv em old and experienced, cooden't kick him out uv our
service. Doolittle talked Northern talk, coz it's a habit he got into
doorin the war; but he'll git over it. Raymond will be on our side this
year, certain, for last year he was agin us; and by the time he is ready
to turn agin, he'll be worn to so small a pint that he won't be worth
hevin; and the Democrisy uv the North wuz alluz ourn, and ef they
wuzzent, the offices Johnson hez in reserve will draw em like lode stun.
"My deer sir, I wunst knowd a Irishman, who wuz sense killed in a Fenian
raid, employed as a artist in well diggin. It wuz his lot to go to the
bottom uv the excavation and load the buckets with earth. The dinner
horn sounded, and he, with the alacrity characteristic uv the race,
sprang into the bucket, and told em to hist away; and they histed. But
ez they histed, they amoozed themselves a droppin earth onto him.
'Shtop!' sed he; but they didn't. 'Shtop!' sed he, 'or, be gorra! I'll
cut the rope.' My dear sir, Randall, and Doolittle, and Seward, and
Johnson are a histin us out uv the pit we fell into in 1860. Their
little talk about debts, and slavery, and sich, is the earth they're
droppin onto us for fun; but shel we, like ijeots, cut the rope? Nary!
Let em hist; and when we're safe out, and on solid ground, we kin, ef we
desire, turn and chuck em into the hole."
All went off satisfied: the Northern men, for they carried home with em
their commishuns; I, feelin that my Post office wuz sekoor; for ef, with
the show we've got, we can't reëlect Johnson, the glory uv the Democracy
hez departed indeed.
PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M.
(wich is Postmaster.)