"A sweetly dreamin--
Dreamin the happy hours away."
Methought I wuz in Philadelphia, and the 14th uv August had arriv. There
wuz a glorious assemblage, ez Doolittle sed, uv the brains and hearts uv
the country, and I may add, ez I and Humphrey Marshall wuz there, uv the
bowels likewise. The Convenshun wuz assemblin. There wuz Seward present,
engineerin uv it. On one side uv him I notist, in my dream, a shadowy
bein with wings, draped in white, and wearin a melonkoly look, with one
hand a layin on his shoulder, a tryin to take him out uv the hall, while
another bein, with wings like a bat, hed him by the nose, and wuz a
twistin uv him jest ez he desired. I notist that this last mentioned
bein hed hoofs, wich wuz split, and a tail wich he wuz flirtin in great
glee. The bein with the tail and hoofs whispered suthin in Seward's ear,
whereupon he moved that that eminent patriot, Ex-President FRANKLIN
PIERCE, be chairman; upon wich the shadowy bein in white unfolded her
wings, and flew away, castin at William the most sorrowful look I ever
saw, the hoofed and tailed individooal laughin tremendous. The
Ex-President took the chair, and one Vice-President wuz appointed from
each State, ceptin Vermont and Massachoosits. My buzzum swelled with
emoshen ez that list wuz read; it wuz more like an old-fashioned
Democratic Convenshun than anything I hed heard for five long years. I
heard the honored names uv Toombs and Rhett, Pryor and Lee, Slidell and
Rosso, and Dandridge and Forrest; I heard the names uv Craven and
Pollard, Thompson and Forsyth, and I felt like him uv old--"Mine eyes
hev seen thy glory, now let thy servant depart in peace." Nothin but the
certainty that I wood at last hev that Post Offis at the Corners kept me
from goin up. Singler 'tis wat slender ties hold us to earth!
The Secretaries wuz apinted, and then the committees--two on each from
the South and one from the North, wich wuz consiliatin. I wuz put on the
committee on credenshals, Randall, the Postmaster-General, bein the
Northern representative. We hed our hands full. There wuz a rush made on
us, so many claimin seats that we locked the doors for two hours to
decide what shood be the proper qualification for a place. Finally we
agreed to admit ez delegates,--
FROM THE NORTH--all Dimocrats who had bin arrested by Linkin's minyuns;
all officers who hed resined rather than to serve in a Ablishun war, and
all Republikins who cood show a commishun ez Postmaster and sich, and
(this wuz considered necessary to guard agin imposition) who wuz willin
to take his solemn oath that he wuz a steadfast bleever in everything A.
Johnson hed did sence Janooary, '66 (ceptin sum small items wich wuz
specified), and all he wuz doin, and all he mite do.
FROM THE SOUTH--all who cood show a officer's commission in the late
Confedrit army; all who had receeved a pardon from A. Johnson, and all
who hed lost their niggers in an unholy war, wich inclooded all present.
This decided upon, the work wuz done. The delegates took their seats,
and the grate work uv Reconstructin the Yoonyun commenced. Garret Davis
wanted to make a speech, and a hall wuz hired for him in another part uv
the city, and fifty or sixty German emigrants, who coodent understand a
word uv English, hired at a shillin an hour to act ez audience. Five
kegs uv lager beer, a flooid wich I hev bin told Germans tie to, hed bin
rolled in the hall, and most uv em stayed seven hours and a half.
In the regler Hall there wuz a comminglin which wuz edifyin. Doolittle
wood make a motion, and Vallandigham wood second it. Forrest made a
speech, and Randall indorsed it. Seward and John Morrissey were on the
Committee on Resolutions, and Dick Taylor and Cowan were occupyin one
seat. The resolutions were brief and to the pint. They resolved that,--
Whereas, there hed bin a season uv unpleasantness in our
national history, wich, owin to circumstances over wich nobody
hed any control, extended over several periods uv ninety days
each; and
Whereas, the unpleasantness resulted from the two sections
viewin things each from its own stand-pint, instead of viewin
things from the other's stand-pint; and
Whereas, both parties wuz highly in the wrong, partikelerly the
North; and
Whereas, the South, with a magnanimity unknown in history, hed
thrown down her arms, and wuz ready to resoom her old position
in the Government--nay, more, to take more than her old share in
the trouble uv runnin the Government; therefore be it
_Resolved_, That we are for the Yoonyun ez it wuz.
_Resolved_, That the persistency uv a sectional Congress, in
continuin the unpleasantness wich hez to some extent disturbed
our system uv Government, in legistatin while eleven sovereign
States is unrepresented, is pizen.
_Resolved_, That we view with alarm the manifest determination
uv Congress to centralize in theirselves the law-makin power uv
the Government, and we pledge our support to our worthy Chief
Magistrate, who is a second Jaxon, in his efforts to check their
centralizin schemes by vetoin all they may do.
_Resolved_, That all traces uv the late onpleasantness may be
wiped out ez soon ez possible, we demand uv Congress an
appropriation for plowin over all the fields on wich the
citizens uv the two sections who wuz indoost by their respective
Governments, so-called, to carry muskets, cum together,
particklerly them on wich our Southern brethren got the worst uv
the disputes that ensood.
_Resolved_, That Congress shood, ez soon ez it convenes, change
the names uv Murfreesboro', Gettysburg, Atlanta, Vicksburg, et
settry, to sich names ez Smithboro', Brownsburg, Jonesburg, et
settry, that the serious unpleasantnesses wich occurred at them
places may be remembered no more forever.
_Resolved_, That the citizens uv the Southern States wich lost
their lives, and legs, and sich, in the late unpleasantnesses
wich hez bin referred to, ought to be placed on the pension
rolls the same ez the Northern citizens who suffered likewise;
and that the debt incurred by the South in upholdin things ez
viewed from its stand-pint, is entitled to be paid the same ez
the debt incurred by the North in upholdin things ez viewed from
its stand-pint.
_Resolved_, That we are willin, for the sake uv harmony, to
admit that Sherman and Grant were, all things considered, worthy
uv bein ranked with Lee and Jackson.
_Resolved_, That the safety uv the Government demands that sich
ez took part in the late unpleasantnis, from the Southern
States, be to-wunst admitted to Congress, and to the other
posishens wich they yoost to ornament, and that the more
unpleasant they wuz doorin the trouble the more they ought to be
admitted.
_Resolved_, That there shall be gushen confidences, we freely
forgive the honored Secretary uv State for the too free use uv
his little bell doorin the late unpleasantnis, believin that he
viewed things from his own stand-pint instead uv somebody
else's, wich alluz causes trouble.
At this pint His Eggslency, Andrew Johnson, supported by Secretary Wells
on the wun side and Vice-President Stephens on one other, with Bukanan
in front and Toombs behind, entered the hall. Sich a cheering I never
heerd. Hats wuz slung into the air, and seats wuz torn up. Proudly they
advanced up the aisle, treading, ez they went, onto a portrait uv Linkin
wich a enthusiastic Connecticut delegate tore from the wall and throwd
before em. They took their position on the stage, Gen. Buell holdin over
em a Fedral flag, and Genral Henry A. Wise, uv Virginny, a Confedrit
flag, both wavin em to the music uv two bands; one a playin Dixie, and
the other Yankee Doodle.
At this pint methought the sperit uv Washinton floated into the hall,
and for a minnit contemplated the countenance uv President Johnson. In
my dreem I heerd him murmur, "There wuz me, and Adams, and Gefferson,
and Monroe, and sich, and then cum Fillmore, and Peerce, and Bookannon,
and, good God! Johnson! Faugh!" and I notist that George spit ez tho'
suthin in his mouth didn't taste well. In fact, the Father uv his
country looked sick, and spreadin his wings, the sperit moved out uv the
hall, shakin the sperit dust off uv his speritool boots ez he shot thro'
the sky-lite.
There wuz then a blank in my dream. When I resoomed, I was at the
Post-offis Department the next mornin. The gullotin hed commenced work,
and the supporters uv the constitushun were reseevin their commissions
ez postmasters ez fast ez four hundred clerks cood make em out. Ez I
pressed forward, Randall hisself give me mine. "Take it, my venerable
friend," sez he, with tears a gushin down his cheeks; "take it. No more
shall that Demokrat in your township who takes a paper reseeve it
contaminated by the touch uv a Ablishin radical."
[Illustration: NASBY'S DREAM OF THE PHILADELPHIA CONVENTION.]
At this critical pint I awoke. Wood that that dream wuz a reality! Will
I only git that postoffis in a dream.
PETROLEUM V. NASBY,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.