Enjoys a Vision of the Next World, seeing therein many Curious Things,
which are published as a Warning to Politicians.
CONFEDRIT × ROADS
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
February 5, 1886.
Last nite I retired to my virtoous couch, at precisely half past eleven,
after eatin a rather light supper for that time uv night. I alluz make
it a pint to eat light in the evenin, for I'm gittin old, and my
digestive faculties ain't what they was when I wuz young. Alas! we who
hev lived out the best part uv our days, wat wood we give to be set back
to the time when, with our faculties unimpaired, we cood consoom a good
square meal without fear uv consekenses! But
"Them happy days is fled,
And never will return."
[Illustration: NASBY'S DREAM OF THE FUTURE OF DEMOCRACY.]
I paid my respecks to 2 mince pies, a pair uv pig's feet, some cold
tongue, and a plate uv tripe, follered by a half dozen dough nuts and a
couple or more uv glasses uv hot whisky punch; and singler ez it may
seem, it didn't set well. I dreamed all night, and my dreams wuznt at
all pleasant. Methawt I hed deceest, and wuz in the next world. It was a
singler site that met my vision. The dividin line atween this world and
the next wuz a swift stream uv water, and every deceest spirit hed to
cross it. The water wuz suthin like that uv the Dead Sea. A man,
unencumbered with anything, cood walk on it, but they sunk down in it if
they wuz loaded, accordin to what they hed to carry. On the tother side
uv this Jordan wuz heaven; the dominions uv his majesty Satan the 1st
wuz below, and to it a strong under current flowed, which took all them
ez wuz too heavy loaded to keep their chins above water.
On the bank stood more than two millions uv little devils, who flung
onto the shoulders uv them tryin to cross their failins, and weaknesses,
and iniquities.
General Breckinridge wuz the first that I saw enter the flood. He hed on
a life preserver, labelled "States Rights," but a peert little devil
stuck a pin into it, and it collapsed, the gas with wich it wuz filled
smellin horribly. Down he went, and ez he sunk, they commenced peltin
him with packages labelled "Treason," "Perjury," and "Murder," and John
C. went under.
Old James Buckanon went next. The old gentleman didn't keep above water
as long ez a able bodied man could hold a bar uv red hot iron in his
hand. He made one splash, when a weight labelled "Treason" struck him,
and down he went. The gentlemanly and urbane devil who had him in charge
had a big pile more uv ammunition to discharge at him, but that one wuz
sufficient.
Vallandigham come next. I wuz surprised to see no one make a motion at
him, but he sunk all the same. "We never waste effort," sed Satan to me;
"he carries enough natural cussedness about him, all the time, to sink
him, without pilin any devilment on his shoulders wich is ten days old."
Frank Peerce made his appearance, but declined to enter. He wuz
immediately seezed, and on each leg wuz tied a weight labelled "Kansas,"
and they flung him in. He went down like a shot, and that's the last I
seed uv him.
Garret Davis went in, and to my surprise, passed over safely. Nothin wuz
flung at him, for wich I asked the reason.
"Why," sed Satan, "the poor old man isn't accountable. He commenced to
talk many years ago, and keeps on talkin because he really don't know
when to stop. I could hev sunk him, but the fact is, I woodent endoor
what the Senit uv the Yoonited States hez hed to, for the past few
years, for a dozen uv Tombs lawyers. Besides this, I'm gettin more from
Kentucky now than I am really entitled to. I've a mortgage on two-thirds
uv that State."
Fernandy and Ben Wood come up rather bold, and entered the flood ez
though they were sure uv goin through all right. With a inimitable
chuckle, Satan motioned away the inexperienced devils, and sed, "Leave
em to me," and at Ben he hurled a package uv the New York News, wich
swashed him down instanter. Jest ez Fernandy wuz beginnin to reach the
other shore, he flung onto him an assortment uv weights, labelled
"Lotteries" and "Riots," which took him down to the arm pits, and
finished by tumblin onto him a mass, onto wich wuz written "Mayoralty,"
and down he went; at wich His Majesty drew a sigh uv relief.