A flat flask conceeled.
A bottle openly.
Dimocrisy.
We lost our hold for two reasons. First, the poor likker we hev now
kills off our voters too fast; and the tax on whiskey forced two thirds
uv our people to quit suckin, and ez soon ez they begun to git on their
feet they jined the Ablishnists. Secondly, our leaders spozed there wuz
no lower stratum to dig into, and give up in disgust.
But I hev deskivered that lower stratum--I hev found it; and when the
idea flashed over my Websterian intelleck, I shouted Halleloogy! The
nigger is the lower stratum; and ef we bore down to it, and work it
thoroughly, we hev, at least, a twenty years' lease uv power.
We must cultivate the nigger. HE MUST HEV THE SUFFRAGE! It is a burnin
shame, that, in this Nineteenth Sentry, in the full blaze uv
intelligence, livin under a Deklarashun which declares all men "free and
ekal," that a large body uv men shood be denied the glorius privilege uv
bein taken up to the poles and voted. Is not the Afrikin a man? Is he
not taxed ez we are, and more than most uv the Democrisy, for many uv em
own property? Is he not amenable to all the laws, even ez we is? Then
why, I triumphantly ask, is he not entitled to a vote? Ah! why, indeed?
"But this is Ablishnism!" methinks I hear a obtoose Dimocrisy observe in
horrer. "And why give them votes who will use em agin us?"
My gentle friend, _will_ they use their ballot agin us? Ef I know
myself, I think not. Kin they read? Kin they write? Aint the bulk uv em
rather degraded and low than otherwise? Methinks. Aint that the kind uv
stock we want, and the kind wich hez alluz set us up? Readin hez alluz
bin agin us. Every skool master is a engine uv Ablishnism; every
noosepaper is a cuss. General Wise, uv Virginia, when he thanked God
there wuzn't a noosepaper in his deestrick, hed reason to; for do yoo
spoze a readin constitooency wood hev ever kept sich a blatherskite ez
him in Congress year after year?
Then, agin, the Constooshnal Amendment will pass, givin representashen
to voters alone. The Democratic States will hev more members uv Congress
and more electoral votes than afore the war; and them States we kin
depend on.
But my skeem is still more comprehensive. Them niggers ain't needed in
the South. We'll send em North. A few thousand will overbalance the
Ablishun majority in Noo Gersey; fifty thousand will bring Ohio back to
the fold; the same number will do for New York and Pennsylvany, and the
country is saved--we will be able to elect the President. Thus the pit
the Ablishnist dug for us he'll fall into hisself; the club he cut for
us will break his own head.
Honey hez kum out uv the carcass; good hez perceded from Nazareth. The
nigger smells sweeter to me now than Nite bloomin Serious; he is more
precious to me than gold, or silver, or preshus stones. He is the way,
and I shel walk in it. He shel lift me into a Post orifis. We must give
our Afrikin brother,--for is he not a man and a brother?--not only the
suffrage, but he must hev land, and the Democracy must give it to him. I
want Garrit Davis to instantly interdoose a bill into the Senit givin
each family a quarter section uv land, a pair uv mules, and a cook
stove; and each female Afrikin brother two flarin calico dresses and a
red bonnet. I want him to advocate the bill in a speech uv not more than
two hours, so that it will stand some chance uv passin. On second
thought, I guess some other man hed better interdoose the bill, as the
Sennit hez got into sich a habit uv votin down everything he proposes,
that they'd slather this without considerin it, on jineral principles.
Then we've got em. Work ez hard ez they may at it, it'll take twenty
years afore the Ablishinists kin edjukate em up to the standard uv votin
their tikkit; and even that time won't do it if we kin git the tax taken
off uv whiskey, so that we kin afford to use it ez in the happy days uv
yore.
Goyusly I went home to lay the foundashun uv the new temple uv
Dimocrisy. I slept that nite atween two niggers, and hev bin shakin
hands and enquirin after the health uv the families uv all I hev met.
Its rather hard for an orthodox Democrat. Sich sudden shifts is rather
wrenchin on the conshence. But what uv that? The Dimocrat who hez
follered the party closely for thirty years ought not to balk at sich a
triflin change ez this, pertiklerly when it promises sich glorious
results.
"There's a lite about to gleem,
There's a fount about to streem,
Wait a little longer!"
PETROLEUM V. NASBY,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.