A Vision.--Celebration of the Anniversary of the Taking of New
Orleans.--In the Vision the Spirit of Andrew Jackson appears, and
discourses of Various Things.
CONFEDRIT × ROADS
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
January 12, 1866.
We had sort uv a celebrashun uv the 8th day uv Janooary at the Corners
last nite. My meetin house wuz gorgeously decorated for the occashun;
the walls bein hung with confedrit battle flags, and on the corners of
the pulpit wuz placed two skulls uv Yankees, picked up at Andersonville
by one of the guards, who is now a loyal citizen uv this State, residin
at this pint. These skulls wuz illuminated by placin a taller candle
inside uv each uv em. The effect wuz inspirin. The guard who contributed
em, is, I need not say, a conservative Democrat, and in the matter uv
swearing at Ablishnists he displays more talent, and hez a more
comprehensive range uv oaths, than any man I ever knowed. The church wuz
also decorated with mottoes, furnished by myself and others, uv wich the
followin is some uv em:--
"The Yoonyun ez it wuz--under Bookanan."
"The noble dead uv Kentucky--them ez fell pintin their guns north we'll
alluz remember."
"Our returned soljers--beaten, but not conkered."
"Niggers and northern Dimocrisey--we've lost the first; thank God, the
latter is ours forever."
I hevn't time nor space to give, in full, the perceedins uv the evenin.
Suffice it to say, at 12, precisely, the company broke up, and sich uv
em ez were able, departed. I remained. There wuz suthin in the
refreshments wich indoost me to stay; in fact, I coodn't conveniently
get out from under the table, where I hed fallen.
While peacefully sleepin the sleep uv innosence, my unfettered sole went
orf on a explorin expedishen into the land uv dreams, and I dreamed.
Methawt that we wuz celebratin the anniversary uv the battle uv Noo
Orleans, on a heavier skale than the wun just closed. We hed, at our
festive board, all the grate lites uv Dimocrisy. There wuz Fernandy Wood
and his brother Ben, and Dan Voorhes, and the grate Valandigum and Frank
Peerce, and Bookanon hed consented to emerge from his saint-like
retirement, and meet with us. The South wuz represented by sich noble
Dimocrats ez Yancy, and Toombs, and Wigfall; in short, it wuz a
reyoonyun uv old-time Dimocrats, met not only to honor the memry uv
Jackson, but to consult ez to the best method uv savin the yoonyun from
the rox uv Abolishun onto wich it seems now to be driftin.
The gileless Bookanon wuz President uv the evenin, and Breckinridge Vice
President, and toasts wuz drank ez follows:--
"The ancient Dimocrisy--troo to the country, ez long ez there is an
office to be filled."
Response by Fernandy Wood.
"The President uv the evenin--the last Dimocratic President uv the
Yoonited States."
Mr Bookanan rose to respond, but he wuz overkum, and sank back, his eyes
suffoozed with tears. In a voice broken with emoshun, he intimated that
he wuz in daily expectation uv bein translated, ez Elijer wuz, in a
barouche with two white hosses. "White," he repeated; "for ef the team
is black, I won't go; I'll die the nateral way fust." "My frends," sed
he, "keep my mantle out uv the hands uv the Jews. Wher is the Elisha
who'll wear it?"
"The yoonun ez it wuz, the constooshun ez it is, and the nigger where he
ought to be."
Response by Breckinridge, who sed he hed bin four years fightin the
battles uv the Dimocrisy, whose prinsiples wuz happily set forth in the
sentiment. Beeten in the field, we must fight it out at the ballot-box.
_Nil despritrando_ must be the motto uv the Dimocrisy.
"Androo Jaxon, the--"
As thus much uv the toast wuz read, there wuz a clap uv thunder heard,
wich shook the buildin, and made not only the windows rattle, but the
glasses to dance on the table, and the gost uv Androo Jaxson hisself, in
the uniform uv 1812, come down through the ceelin. There wuz a frown on
his countenance, terrible to behold. Turnin to the company, he remarked
that the gate-keeper uv hell must hev slept at his post, for out uv no
other Depository cood there be gathered so many villianous countenances.
"I perpose," sed he, "to respond to this sentiment myself." The Woods
slid out uv their seets, under the table; Breckinridge sneaked out uv
the church; Vallandigham, with his natural impudence, tried to face it
out, but one look from Androo J. finished him, and he slid, and
Bookannon tried to git out, but Androo caught him by the collar, and
held him.
"I hev suthin to say to yoo. The chair yoo wunst disgraced, I okkepied,
called to it, ez yoo wuz, by the voice uv the peeple. I swore to
preserve the constitooshen and the yoonyun, and so did yoo. I did it,
and yoo didn't. When South Carliny undertook to nullify, I bustid the
arrangement, becoz I didn't propose to hev the yoonyun I fought for in
two wars go down to death, when a particle uv pluck, put in at the right
time, cood save it. Yoo mite hev dun the same, but yoo woodent. Yoo took
the seat for the purpose of bustin it; for one term of the Presidency
yoo agreed to destroy the Government.
"What are yoo here for?" shouted the gost in a terribly sepulkral tone,
and a stampin his feet and grittin his teeth. "To celebrate the battle
uv Noo Orleans? Yoo stole the livery uv Jaxon to serve Calhoon in. Under
the shadder uv my name, yoor dooing deeds wich, ef I wuz in the flesh,
I'd hang yoo for. How I wished, in '60 and '61, I cood revisit the
earth. I'd hev histed yoo out uv the seat yoo disgraced, and never hev
let Linkin hed the credit uv puttin down a rebellion. It wood hev bin
lively for some uv yoo. I'd hev ornamented the trees with your karkises;
the Southern buzzards wood hev grown fat on secesh korpses.
"Go back, yoo idiots--go back to your first love. Get the wool out uv
your teeth, and try to think more uv your country than yoo do uv a
yaller girl. Yoo kin yit repent. A. Johnson, whose initials is the same
ez mine, runs over with mercy, or he wood hev hung the half uv yoo.
Repent and be saved. There is a slite chance for yoo yit. The dyin theef
wuz pardoned on the cross, wich ought to be encouragin to yoo, for yoo
hev longer time left in wich to repent, and the Lord knows yoo need it.
But ef yoo will go on in yer iniquity, do it on yoor own hook. Don't
take my name in vain no more. I hevn't nothin in common with yoo, nor
never had. Yoo yoosed to follow me, the same ez a drove uv jackals alluz
follers a lion, to devour the hides, and bones, and offal that he
despises. The lion hez gone hentz, and yoor takin his skin, and are
trying to imitate his roar. The skin hangs loose upon yoo, and the roar
is a miserable squeak. Never let me hear of yoor celebratin any more uv
my doins. I go."
And in another clap of thunder, the gost ascendid through the roof agin.
I awoke. A cold sweat wuz a standin on my intellectooal brow, and a
mortal shiverin shook me. I wuz alone in the church, under the table
where I originally fell, and around me wuz skattered, in confusion, the
remnant uv the feast. I thot to myself, ef sich wuz the effect uv a
dream uv the gost Jaxon, wat wood ensoo ef he shood be raised from the
dead, and visit the Dimocrisy in the flesh. Then wood my prayer be
continooally, "Good Lord, deliver us."
PETROLEUM V. NASBY,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.