A Remarkable Dream.--A Country settled exclusively by Democrats.
WASHINGTON, December 1, 1865.
Last nite I was the victim uv another dream. Ef I don't quit this
explorin the realms of the fucher in my sleep, I shall become a second
Saint John. Ef so, I maik no doubt my revelations will be uv a
remarkably startlin character.
Methawt the Ablishnists had asserted the power we diskivered they
possest, after the late elecshuns, and had gone the whole figger. They
had forced the South into the humiliashen uv allowin niggers to testify,
and in the Northern states had given em the elective franchise. Uv
course the edecated and refined democrasy wood never consent to be
carried up to the polls alongside uv a nigger--uv course no Democratic
offis-seeker wood hoomiliate himself to treatin a nigger afore a
election, it bein a article uv faith with us never to drink with a
nigger, onless he pays for it.
Therefore, bein helpless, and resolvin never to submit, the heft uv the
Democrasy determined to emigrate in a body to some land where the
Anglo-Sackson cood rool,--where there was no mixter of the disgustin
African. Mexico wuz the country chosen, and methawt the entire party, in
one solid column, marched there. Our departure was a ovation. The peeple
on our route wuz all dressed in white, ez a token uv joy, and from every
house hung banners, with inscriptions onto em, sich ez,--
"Now is our hen-roosts safe!"
"Canada on its way to Mexico!"
"Poor Mexico--we bewail thy fate!"
Our march resembled very much that uv the childern uv Isrel. Our noses
wuz the pillers uv fire by nite, and our breath the piller uv smoke by
day.
On our arrival to Mexico, the natives of that country, struck probably
with awe at the majestic and flamin expression uv our countenances,
hastily gathered up their linen, and silver spoons, and hosses, and
sich, and retreated to the mountains. It wuz a kompliment to us that
them ez hadn't ennything remained.
Finally we reached a plain, where we, the modern childern uv Isrel,
decided to remane, and, uv course, the fust thing to do wuz to form a
guvernment.
Methawt Fernandy Wood, uv New York, wuz chosen viva voce, ez President,
and he stept forerd to hev the oath administered to him, wich wuz 2 be
dun by the oldest Justis uv the Peece uv the late stait uv Noo Gersey,
wich hez committed sooicide. Here a new trouble ensood--there wuzn't a
bible to be found in the whole encampment. The difficulty wuz got over
by a New York Alderman yellin out, "Never mind the oath. What's the
yoose uv any oath _he_ takes?" So he wuz declared President.
Prest. Wood then proceeded to organize. He requested sich ez hed held
commissions in the army uv the Yoonited States to step forerd three
paces. Gens. Micklelan, Buel, Fitsjohn Porter, & Slocum stept forerd,
and with em some 4,000, a part uv whom hed held quartermasters'
commissions, and whose accounts,
"Jest afore the battle, mother,"
didn't balance, but wich alluz did jist after, and others who hed bin
dismist for bein in the rear, when their sooperiors desired to see em in
the front, and who consekently considered it a d----d Ablishun war, wich
they didn't approve uv no how.
Then hevin ascertained the material for officerin his army, he axed all
them who bed bin in the service as privates to step forerd. 20,000
obeyed, and the President asked the fust one where he enlisted, who
ansered ez follows:--
"At Noo York, April 12, 1864, bounty $1,000;
and at Philadelphia, April 14, 1864, bounty $700;
and at Pittsburgh, April 16, 1864, bounty $800;
and at Cincernati, April 19, 1864, bounty $400;
and at--"
"Enough," said Fernandy, and glancin down the line, and seein all the
faces were uv the same style and expression, he asked no more uv em any
questions.
Remarkin that it wuz well enough to establish a church, he desired all
who were ministers uv the Gospel to step forerd. 21 stept out and
desired to explain. They cood not say that they were just now in full
connexion with any church. They hed bin, but their unconstooshnel
Ablishin Synods and conferences hed accoosed em uv irregularities in
hoss tradin, and various other irregularities, and suspended em, and
silenced em and sich, becoz they were Democrats, but--
The President shrugged his sholders, and asked all who cood read to step
out. About one-half answered, and then he requestid sich uv this number
ez cood be prevaled upon to accept a small office, and who bleeved
theirselves fit, to step out agin, and to my unutterable horror and
consternation, every one but five stepped out ez brisk ez so many bees.
Immejitly there wuz an uproar. Them ez coodent read swore vociferously
that there wuz nothin fair about _that_ arrangement. They never knowd
that a man wuz obliged to be able to read to hold office in the
Democratic party, and they'd never stand that, and they all stepped out.
Finally it wuz decided that a election should be held at some fucher
time.
The next step wuz to divide em up into employments. The President
requested them ez preferred to foller mekanikle employments to step out:
Sum thirty advanced. Them ez preferred farmin: About fifty stept out.
Them ez expected to run small groceries:
There wuz a sound like the rush uv many waters. Ninety-eight per cent,
uv all--ceptin the officers and preachers--sprung to the front, but when
they saw ther strength, their faces turned white. "Good Lord!" whispered
they; "we can't make a livin out uv the remainin two per cent. and the
officers and preachers!"
The mass then demanded a division uv the property, that all mite start
alike, but upon takin a inventory, it wuz found not wuth while to bother
about a division.
Then they commenced murmurin, and sed wun to another, "Oh for the flesh
pots uv the Egypt we left!" "I cood, at hum, live off my Ablishn
nabers." "There wuz rich men in our ward, but ez we hed the majority,
_they_ paid taxes, which _we_ spent!" "Ablishnists is pizen, but it is
well enough to hev enough uv em to tax!" and ez wun man, they resolved
to return, and the confusion that resulted from the breakin up awoke me.
There is onquestionably a moral in the vision. Ez often ez I hev syed
for perpetual Democratic majorities, I hev sumtimes, when our party wuz
successful, and bid fair to be so permanently, wondered what we would do
with the Treasury ef we didn't lose the offices occasionally, so ez to
hev the other party nurse it into pickin condition for us.