THE CARE OF THE BRIDE.
Few young husbands are intelligent guardians of their brides. Indeed,
when first entering upon the marriage relation, young husbands are in
danger of making some very serious mistakes. Many a husband has had
cause to regret that in his lack of consideration he has allowed his
passion to awaken in his wife such a feeling of disgust as to obliterate
her affection for him, to blast the prospects of all future happiness,
and render both himself and wife miserable throughout all their
subsequent years.
In the first place a young husband should know that many women, even at
the time of their marriage, are totally ignorant of all questions
relating to sex. There are some women who do not so much as know that
there are any physical differences between men and women. There are
others who may know there is some difference, but into whose minds the
thought of coition has never once entered. While this may not be true in
a majority of cases, yet it is true in a large number of instances. We
have even known of young wives who have approached the period of their
first confinement who did not know the cause of their increasing bodily
size; and we recently learned of an instance where the physician was
already in the room to attend the expectant mother, who thought that she
was to be delivered of her child by a surgical operation. She thought
that the doctor was to make an incision in the abdomen, and remove her
child in that way.
To say that all this is culpable ignorance does not, however, remove the
fact. Young husbands do well to recognize the fact that such ignorance
exists, and that, in addition to such possible ignorance upon the part
of his own bride, there is that general condition of exhaustion and
debility which follows as the result of the weeks of preparation and
nervous excitement which have preceded and culminated at the time of the
wedding festivities. We have already dwelt upon this phase of the
subject, and we need not enlarge upon it here. With the poor it is
weeks, and sometimes months, of sewing and preparation. With the rich it
is the meeting of social exactions and requirements, formal visitations,
and then senseless seclusion. In each instance the results are equally
enervating, bringing most brides, whether rich or poor, to the one great
event in their lives in an exhausted and nervous condition. To say the
least, this uniform physical depletion entitles the bride to the most
thoughtful consideration and most gentle treatment that the young
husband can exercise.
With ignorance upon the one side, inconsideration and ungovernable
passion upon the other, the combination is unfortunate and the results
are oftentimes serious. The first act in the drama which is to culminate
in separation and an effort to secure a divorce, is often enacted upon
the night of the very day which witnessed the marriage ceremony and was
attended with the congratulation of friends. The ignorance and
inconsiderateness of both are alike to blame for this sad result--the
wife for her lack of knowledge and consideration, and the husband for
his lack of intelligent and thoughtful appreciation of the delicacies
and dangers of his new relation.
In Greece the custom prevails of allowing three days to intervene
between the marriage ceremony and the consummation of marriage. It would
be well if such a custom prevailed everywhere. It would allow the
exhausted, nervous, timid bride to bring to the consummation of the
marriage relation renewed vigor and mental composure. It would prepare
the mind of the young husband for such self-possession and restraint as
would be becoming in this new relation, and would secure for him a
happiness greatly heightened in intensity, and that would be prolonged
through all the years that lie beyond.
It is enough to make a thoughtful and considerate man blush to think of
the scores of wives who annually confess to their physicians that the
only rape that was ever committed upon them was by their own husbands
the first day of their married life. We recently heard of an instance
where the expressed impatience and manifest impetuosity of the young
husband, the moment he came into the bridal chamber with his young wife,
awakened in her mind such a feeling of disgust that after a brief
parleying the young wife left the room and refused ever to return to her
husband, and thus terminated abruptly what, with thoughtful and
considerate approaches and manifest affection, might have resulted in a
union of lifelong happiness.
In his book, entitled "Plain Talks on Avoided Subjects," Dr. Henry L.
Guernsey says: "Tenderly and with great consideration should these
privileges be accepted, for, contrary to the opinion of many men, there
is no sensual passion on the part of the bride that induces her to grant
such liberties. Then how exquisitely gentle and how forbearing should be
the bridegroom's deportment on such occasions. Sometimes such a shock is
administered to her sensibilities that she does not recover from it for
years; and in consequence of this shock, rudely or ruthlessly
administered, she forms a deeply rooted antipathy against the very act
which is the bond and seal of a truly happy married life."
Mrs. E. B. Duffey, in her book entitled "The Relations of the Sexes,"
says: "Do not be in too great haste to brush the bloom from the fruit
you covet. It will lose half its attractions at once. Practice in lawful
wedlock the arts of the seducer rather than the violence of the man who
commits rape, and you will find the reward of your patience very sweet
and lasting. This bud of passion cannot be forced rudely open. Its
development must be the work of time. If the young wife is met with
violence, if she finds that her husband regards the gratification of his
own desires more than her feelings--and if she be worn and wearied with
excesses in the early days of her married life, the bud will be
blighted. The husband will have only himself to blame if he is bound all
his life to an apathetic, irresponsive wife. It is easy to imagine the
unsatisfactory conjugal relations which are brought about in punishment
of the husband's early impetuosity and ignorance. He finds an
unreciprocal wife, doubts her affection for him, because, with his
masculine nature, he cannot conceive of a love unblended with passion.
She, in her defrauded womanhood, feels aggrieved and debased by any
conjugal approach--especially by an enforced one--and finds it equally
hard to understand how affection and passion can be united; the one she
knows to be so self-forgetful and denying, and the other she has such
abundant cause for believing utterly selfish and rapacious."
The excesses which are likely to follow after the earliest experiences
of married life are also to be cautiously guarded against. The author
whom we have just quoted says: "I will venture to say that there is not
one man in fifty who in the first years of his married life is not
guilty of sexual abuse towards his wife, which effect is alone
sufficient to account for the great prevalence of female diseases. Not
that every woman is injured by it to the extent of inflammation and
ulceration, yet many are. I am not running a tilt against married men. I
blame them for no intentional wrong--only for ignorance. And women are
also equally to blame in this matter. They are just as ignorant as their
husbands, and often allow themselves to yield to demands or
importunities when, if they were to consider it a conscientious duty to
refuse, they would do so.
"The tender, delicate organs of generation in women are often abused to
such an extent by too frequent use that they become inflamed and
ulcerate, and render the woman an invalid. Even the husband does not see
the cause or measure the extent of his folly, but persists in his
selfish course in spite of the sufferings he causes his wife, constantly
aggravating her disorders, and rendering them more and more hopeless of
cure. Thus the husband, kind and attentive in all other matters--who
would not allow the winds of heaven to visit the cheek of his wife too
roughly--becomes, in this one respect, a very--I was about to say brute;
but the animal creation presents no parallel case, so I find no
appropriate word in comparison."
In his book entitled "The Transmission of Life," Dr. George H. Napheys,
in writing upon this subject, says: "The consequence is that in repeated
instances the thoughtlessness and precipitancy of the young husband lay
the foundation for numerous diseases of the womb and nervous system; for
the gratification of a night he forfeits the comfort of years. Let him,
at the time when the slow-paced hours have at last brought to him the
treasures he has so long been coveting, administer with a frugal hand
and with a wise forethought. Let him be considerate, temperate, and
self-controlled. He will never regret it if he defer for days the
exercise of those privileges which the law now gives him, but which are
more than disappointing if seized upon in an arbitrary, coarse, or
brutal manner.
"The husband should be aware that while, as a rule, the first conjugal
approaches are painful to the new wife, and, therefore, that she only
submits and cannot enjoy them. This pain should not be excessively
severe, nor should it last for any great length of time--not more than
one or two weeks. Should the case be otherwise, then something is wrong,
and if rest does not restore the parts a physician should be consulted.
It is especially necessary that great moderation be observed at first,
an admonition which we the more urgently give because we know it is
needed, because those specialists who devote their time to diseases of
women are constantly meeting patients who date their months and years of
misery from the epoch of marriage."
The pain and inconvenience to which the doctor refers in the preceding
paragraph is oftentimes due to the presence in young wives of what is
known as the hymen. This is a thin membrane which nature places near the
lower extremity of the vaginal passage to protect the delicate linings
of the reproductive organs of the female against the admission of any
foreign substance, exposure to cold, or any other influence which might
tend to the injury of the reproductive nature. With the growth of the
body this membrane sometimes acquires such consistency or strength that
the rupturing of it is attended with inconvenience, and oftentimes with
much pain. This fact alone should render a young husband very
considerate, dispassionate, and thoughtful.
The pain attendant upon the rupturing of the hymen is not so much due to
the sensitiveness of the membrane itself as the fact that it adheres to
the walls of the vagina, and any lateral pressure brought to bear upon
the hymen imposes such a tension where the hymen is attached to the
walls of the vagina as to produce, in some instances at least, intense
pain. The rupturing of the hymen is often attended with a small quantity
of blood, sometimes scarcely perceptible, and at other times more
considerable.
It was at one time thought that the presence of the hymen was an
unmistakable evidence of virginity, and its absence was regarded as a
cause for suspicion, if not a proof, of previous sexual relation. While
it is true that in most virgins the hymen does exist, yet we do not have
the slightest hesitation in saying that it does not exist in all. It may
be ruptured and destroyed by a slight accident during childhood, is
sometimes even destroyed at birth; in abnormal cases it may need to be
destroyed mechanically by the family physician in order to remove it as
an impediment in the more easy flow of the monthly period.
Mrs. E. B. Duffey, in "What Women Should Know," when writing of the test
of virginity, says: "It is popularly believed that the husband receives
proof, upon the consummation of his marriage, of the previous chastity
of his wife. If he obtains this evidence it is safe to accept it as
conclusive, though rare exceptional cases are to be met with in which
the evidence counts for nothing. If, on the other hand, the proof is
wanting, it is most unjust and cruel, on the strength of this alone, to
charge a wife with want of chastity previous to marriage. It is not
uncommon for accidents, which may occur at any time, and which may even
date back to birth itself, to destroy this evidence, or it may never
have existed."
Dr. Napheys says: "The presence or absence of the hymen is no test.
There is, in fact, no sign whatever which allows even an expert
positively to say that a woman has or has not suffered the approaches of
one of the opposite sex. The true and only test which any man should
look for is modesty in demeanor before marriage, absence both of assumed
ignorance and a disagreeable familiarity, and a pure and religious frame
of mind. Where these are present he need not doubt that he has a
faithful and chaste wife."
It is important for young husbands to know that when a serious
inconvenience is experienced in the consummation of marriage, if not
easily removed by care and consideration, but remains an impediment or a
pain for a period of days, or of a couple of weeks, medical advice and
assistance should by all means be sought. In the case of women who have
advanced in years before marriage such difficulties often occur, and
medical assistance is the safest, most sensible and speediest source of
delivery.
We cannot pass this point without seeking to impress upon the young
husband the danger liable to result from the use of wine and other
stimulants upon the occasion of his marriage. One of the most terrible
afflictions which can come to any home is the birth of an idiot, and if
the statements of medical authority are to be relied upon, the birth of
these unfortunate burdens to their parents is due to their conception at
a time when either the husband or the wife, or both, were under the
effects of stimulants, and the temporary idiocy of an inebriated man or
woman has been transmitted and permanently embodied in the begetting and
birth of a child that has been robbed of its rights by the wrongs of its
parents, who have pulled down upon their own heads one of the most awful
and prolonged curses which could be suffered as a result of a human
mistake.
Note also carefully the fact that the exhausted physical condition of
the bride is sure to result in an enfeebled offspring, should conception
occur before she has regained her physical powers. It is possible that
the exhausted physical condition of young brides, and that the
excessive indulgence which is likely to follow the earlier months of
marriage, either one or both, are largely the chief cause, or causes, of
the frightful mortality among first-born children.
The joys of the newly-married are not only noticeable, but very
beautiful. The outgoings of human affection are as beautiful and
impressive as the relation of the birds that don their brightest
plumage, sing their sweetest songs and build their nests in the
springtime, when the mating instincts and emotional nature of the birds
reach their highest and most animate expression. A young bride, in
conversation with one of her intimate friends, in alluding to her
happiness, said: "It is too good to last." The fact is, that this
intensity of reproductive activity must give place to corresponding
rest-periods of considerable length, or depletion and death would ensue
as the inevitable result. The wave not only cannot, but it should not
always remain at its crest, but it must subside and sink, in order that
it may regain itself and rise on the crest of a new wave of emotional
activity.
The pleasures of married life can only be heightened and perpetuated in
a home of your own. The newly-married should always live apart by
themselves, wherever such a course is at all possible. Living with the
parents of either party is generally disadvantageous, and life in a
hotel or boarding-house is not only undesirable, but dangerous.
Birds never live in a boarding-house, neither should married people. To
the newly-married it is a place of special disadvantage and danger. They
need to be alone, rather than under the constant gaze of the curious. In
such a place both are exposed to the constant assaults of gossips, the
wife is compelled to live in idleness, is a prisoner in her own room, is
exposed to perils innumerable, and jealousies and alienations are likely
to be engendered. A boarding-house is no place for the newly-married,
who have a right to expect that lawful and honorable marriage may result
in parentage. Any medical practitioner can testify to the number of
young wives who have besought them to murder their unborn children
because they were "boarding," and it was "not convenient to have a
family."
A modest little home of your own is always best. If that is not
possible, then rent a house, but do not start in a pretentious and
extravagant way. Live within your means from the beginning. Do not bank
upon the future. If you do not save money at first, the probabilities
are that you never will. Debt is a terrible incubus. It will take the
color out of the cheek of your wife, it will despoil the husband of
pluck and energy and hope. It will cast over the prospect of coming
years the dark shadow of despondency and despair. Cheerfully submit to
such self-denials as will enable you to save something from your income.
Join a good and safe building association, and if you cannot buy an
humble home at once, plan to do so as early as possible. Plan for your
needs and comforts, rather than for display and wretchedness. Home
happiness is found in contraction, and not in expansion. A large house
with many rooms requires the presence of many servants. These irritate,
bring constant annoyance to the wife, who should be carefully delivered
from undue anxiety; and they also impose large outlays of money, for
which neither the husband nor the wife receive many returns, unless it
may be the empty satisfaction of "what our friends will think." If you
really wish your friends to think well of you, be governed by sense and
not by sentiment.
For the sake of health, of present and future happiness, and the
well-being of your children that are to be, both the husband and the
wife should be industrious. His daily occupation and her daily duties
will prove ministers of mercy to each. Idleness for either is a
misfortune. Discontent, dissatisfaction and divorce, one or all, are
always born of idleness.
Perhaps one of the happiest moments in your life will be when you step
into a house which you can call your own home, and for the first time
sit down at your own table. If you wish to perpetuate that joy, see to
it that you are attentive, devoted, given to a verbal expression of your
affection and an appreciation for every effort made by your wife to
render your home attractive, your food palatable and your life
enjoyable. Let her know that you appreciate every effort that she puts
forth, and as the months and the years go by do not think a repetition
of praise would become an offending monotony to her. A wife never ceases
to love the expressions of admiration, appreciation and affection upon
the part of her husband.
If you start out with a struggle to determine whether the will of the
wife or the will of the husband shall have preference and pre-eminence,
you may reasonably expect contention and strife for all the rest of your
life. Let each seek to surpass the other in consideration, deference,
and even self-denial, and the light and the joy which break upon your
home in the beginning will abide to the end.