THE BRIDE.
We now come, in Part Second, to consider what a young husband ought to
know concerning his wife. In this chapter we desire to speak of what he
ought to know of his wife while she is yet a bride. As soon as the
minister has pronounced them husband and wife she is as truly the wife
as she is later on, and we only use the word "bride" in that commonly
accepted sense which refers to the earlier days and weeks of her married
life.
We cannot enter upon the thought of this chapter without being conscious
of the fact that doubtless thousands of young men will turn to these
pages for information concerning the marriage relation who have
themselves not yet entered the marriage bond. There is nothing in this
book which a young man of mature years may not properly know. Indeed,
every young man of mature years ought to possess the information which
this volume contains. But we are also conscious of the fact that many
young men who are engaged to marry, or are already married, will turn to
these pages expecting to find here some means of deliverance from the
results of mistakes which, in his lack of knowledge, he has already
made. As we enter upon the duty of telling the young husband what he
ought to know concerning his bride, we feel the importance of saying
that the information which he gathers from these pages will be but
partial, unless he has the information concerning woman contained in the
preceding volume of this series.
In telling a young husband what he ought to know concerning his bride,
it is especially important that he should first understand the nature
and purpose of the reproductive organs, the right relation of man to
woman, and the correct teachings concerning marriage; and for the
unfolding of these subjects we must refer the reader to Chapters VII.,
VIII. and IX. in "What a Young Man Ought to Know."
In addition to what we have said in Chapter III. of this volume, in
reference to the physical, intellectual, moral and sexual differences
between men and women, it is necessary now to call the attention of
young husbands to the fact that in woman there exists less sexual desire
and satisfaction than in man.
Perhaps of the great majority of women it would be true to say that they
are largely devoid of sexual pleasure. In regard to the intensity of the
sexual instinct, women might with some accuracy be divided into three
classes. The first class, which includes the larger number, is generally
supposed to be quite devoid of sexual inclination and feeling. The
condition of this class may be accounted for in three different ways. In
some it is the result of ill health, produced by lack of sufficient
exercise and outdoor recreation; because of excessive social demands,
late hours, indigestible food, the enervating and exhaustive effects of
novel-reading, and especially also of tight lacing, with all of its sad
effects in debilitating and displacing the sexual and vital organs which
are located in the pelvic and abdominal cavities. If women could but
realize what pleasures might be theirs, if they would only live in a
rational way, there would be but few men and women left to ask the
question whether marriage is a failure.
Another cause of sexual indifference in a large class is found in the
fact that some regard the existence of passion in women as derogatory to
their sex. There are wives who pride themselves upon their indifference
to the conjugal relation. They speak of their coldness and indifference
as though it were a virtue, instead of a defect. The fact is, they are
simply proud of their deficiency. With this, as with the proper exercise
of every other bodily function, God has associated satisfaction and
pleasure. The reception of food, which is to sustain and nourish life,
is attended with pleasure. Seeing and hearing are attended with
pleasure. The exercise of all of our bodily senses is designed to bring
us pleasure and a sense of satisfaction. The exercise of the
reproductive function is attended with great cost physically,
financially, and in every way, and God has meant that to this great
sacrifice man shall be prompted by a pleasure which shall be
correspondingly great. God has designed that the act of reproduction
should be recognized both as a duty and a pleasure, and the feeling
which prompts to the perpetuation of the species is as proper as that
which inclines the individual to the preservation of his own life or
health. There can be no doubt but that in conception God has assigned an
important office to inclination and sensation, for while authorities are
agreed that conception may take place without attendant emotion upon the
part of the female, yet the result is more assured, and the product of
such a union is of a higher standard when both persons participate in
the pleasures which invite to its consummation. This sexual indifference
upon the part of the wife may sometimes be largely due to the fact that
she and her husband are illy mated, physically, morally or socially; or
because differences of education and divergence of views have produced
that lack of harmony which has, at least measurably, blighted the
affections.
There can be but little doubt that much marital indifference upon the
part of wives is due to chronic constipation, which is so prevalent
among women.
Another cause of this indifference upon the part of some wives, and this
is a very small class, is due to malformation, local obstruction,
because of an imperfect rupturing of the hymen, or, in rare instances,
to a disease known as vaginismus, rendering the act not only devoid of
pleasure, but possessed of actual discomfort and suffering. Where these
conditions exist, prompt and competent medical assistance is needed for
local treatment and judicious advice.
The second class is composed of women who find in the marital relation a
moderate and normal pleasure when they are in health, and if indulged in
at times which are agreeable to them, and at suitable intervals. This
class represents, doubtless, those women who are more normal in this
respect than those who belong to either of the other extremes. They
constitute the middle class, and probably the largest number.
The third class represents the few in whom sexuality presides as a
ruling passion. This class is by no means as numerous as some might
imagine, and such women should never be married except to men of good
health, strong physique, large powers of endurance, and with a
pronounced sexual inclination. When a man with only moderate sexual
inclination is united to a woman of this class it is a question which is
more to be pitied, the husband whose wife is totally devoid of sexual
instinct, or the man whose wife is sexually insatiable. While there are
a few women of this class, yet the rule remains that in man the sexual
instinct is more pronounced than in woman, and that man constitutes the
active and aggressive division of the human family; for while a certain
female may possess a more pronounced sexual nature than a certain male,
yet in her sexual nature she is not as pronounced as the most active
male.
While among all species the male is the more active and aggressive, yet
any one who has given attention to the reproductive act among animals
will have noticed that in no instance can the male force this relation
upon the female without her acquiescence, and in most instances the time
of copulation is wholly determined by the condition of the female. It is
only when she is in condition to conceive that she will receive the
male, and at those periods her condition inspires him to the act. We
cannot but believe that this is also intended to be the rule among human
beings, although, strange to say, the wishes of the wife are oftentimes
wholly ignored, and she submits reluctantly, or is wholly overborne by
the exactions of an inconsiderate or brutal husband.
If this subjugation of the wish and the will of the wife to the will of
the husband is the result of the curse pronounced upon Eve, "Thy desire
shall be to thy husband," the chastisement of woman has been truly
severe, for no sorer punishment could well be inflicted than to be
deprived of the right of ruling over one's own body, and being placed in
subjection to the capricious will and exacting demands of an
unreasonable husband. If the wrongs which wives suffer in this respect
are the result of the fall of our first parents, we should nevertheless
rejoice that now the spiritual and material blessings which have been
restored by the Second Adam are also to be shared by woman, and in all
the world no other person should be so anxious to crown her with the
fullness of her natural rights as the man who will by such an effort
vindicate the nobility of his own manhood and secure for himself the
largest blessing and happiness, because he is her husband.
Not only is the reproductive nature of woman less pronounced than in
man, but its continuance in her is of a much shorter duration. At about
forty-five years of age, and in some very much earlier, the reproductive
nature of woman undergoes those changes which render conception and
childbearing impossible. At that period her sexual nature takes upon
itself modifications which are more pronounced than those experienced by
the male when a somewhat similar sexual hush comes to him. The character
of these changes, and what they involve both to the husband and to the
wife, are treated at length in the fourth volume of this series
addressed to men at forty-five, and it is well that young husbands
should know what the future has in store for them, and so regulate their
married life that the later years may bring them the largest possible
good and blessing.
The effect of the sexual relation upon newly-married men and women is
oftentimes very noticeable. Sometimes those who previously seemed hearty
and strong lose their bloom and vigor and become emaciated and
miserable. Sometimes the reverse is the case. Especially among women,
there are noticeable instances where the family heredity is good, no
organic trouble exists, and yet the individual is wholly miserable,
and after marriage speedily develops into a strong and hearty woman.
There are some who improve somewhat in health, but who avoid parenthood,
and thus defraud themselves of the acquisition of perfect health. These
cases, however, are rather the exception, and so much is involved in
marriage that no man or woman can afford to take such serious risks,
because exceptional instances do rarely occur. Yet the fact remains that
there are some who are weak and worried and restless before marriage who
become hopeful, restful and strong after marriage; while others, who
were well situated and contented in their sphere, accept, in marriage,
conditions which result in producing a nervous, despondent and restless
disposition.
If the marital relation of these people could be accurately known the
cause of these noticeable changes might oftentimes be found in the
moderation maintained by the one class and the excessive sexual
indulgence the cause in the other. Sexual excess is quite common among
married persons. In the husband it results in the destruction of
physical power and in the weakening of the intellect as well. Force used
in this way is not available for use intellectually, and the consequent
effects unfit for study, mental activity, and oftentimes for all kinds
of business. It renders the husband nervous, morose, and
uncompanionable. The man who is guilty of excess not only destroys his
own capacity for pleasure, but is alike unjust to his wife. He renders
her incapable of marital pleasure, and also renders her incapable of
bringing to him the satisfaction which he seeks. Such a husband destroys
the amiability of his wife, renders her weak and nervous, converts her
into an invalid, and imposes upon himself large financial outlays for
medical advice and attendance. Such a husband deliberately, but not
always knowingly, consumes and destroys the physical qualities which
made the wife attractive to him, and destroys the very foundation upon
which all happiness in the home must rest. Excessive sexual tendencies
among men are generally the result of early self-pollution, later
illicit relations, reveling in vile stories, nude pictures, the reading
of suggestive novels, the polluting of the imagination, and incorrect
ideas of the proper relation in marriage. Thought is allowed to dwell
too much upon these subjects, the flow of blood to the sexual parts
becomes excessive, and the only remedy is by purifying the mind,
correcting the ideas, resolutely determining to be moderate and
considerate, removing all causes of undue sexual excitement, resorting
to the bath, being judicious in the diet, giving due consideration to
physical culture, and taking such an amount of exercise daily as is
calculated to secure the best physical results and most effectual sexual
mastery. The man who needs to be helped in the direction of moderation
would do well to confide in his wife that her influence over him may be
helpful and corrective, for in this, as in other things, a discreet and
considerate wife is her husband's best balance-wheel.