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[Illustration: SYLVANUS STALL, D.D.]
PRICE $1.00 NET
4S. NET
PURITY AND TRUTH
WHAT A YOUNG
HUSBAND
OUGHT TO KNOW
BY
SYLVANUS STALL, D.D.
Author of "What a Young Boy Ought to
Know," "What a Young Man Ought
to Know," "What a Man of 45 Ought to
Know," "Methods of Church Work,"
"Five-Minute Object Sermons to Children,"
"Talks to the King's Children,"
"Faces Toward the Light," etc.
_"The Glory of Young Men is Their Strength."_
PHILADELPHIA, PA.: 2237 LAND TITLE BUILDING.
THE VIR PUBLISHING COMPANY
LONDON: TORONTO:
7, IMPERIAL ARCADE, WM. BRIGGS,
LUDGATE CIRCUS, E.C. 33 RICHMOND ST, WEST.
COPYRIGHT, 1897, BY SYLVANUS STALL
Entered at Stationers' Hall, London, England
Protected by International copyright in Great Britain and all her
colonies, and, under the provisions of the Berne Convention, in Belgium,
France, Germany, Italy, Spain, Switzerland, Tunis, Hayti, Luxembourg,
Monaco, Montenegro, and Norway
_All rights reserved_
[PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES]
Dedicated
TO
THE SANCTITY OF HOME, THE PURITY AND BLESSING
OF THE HUSBAND AND WIFE, AND THE WELL-BEING
OF THEIR OFFSPRING.
CONTENTS.
PART I.
CONCERNING HIMSELF.
CHAPTER I.
THE RELATION OF MARRIAGE.
PAGE
The new relation full of new meaning.--Lifted into a higher realm.--Love
transforms the nature.--Marriage the estate of man's highest
happiness.--The awakening of reproductive life in field and
forest.--These powers may be held in abeyance.--They also have their
proper exercise.--Reason to rule over passion.--The need of a strong
emotional nature in men and in women.--Sexual nature should not be
immolated.--Vice and lust cannot bring happiness.--The sensual usurper
must be deposed and love enthroned.--This our effort and our
justification, 25
CHAPTER II.
DIFFERENCES OF SEX.
Each sex superior in its sphere.--Two parts of a complete
unit.--Differences between men and
women.--Physically.--Intellectually.--These differences
complemental.--The more nervous sensibilities of woman.--The earliest
manifestation of sex characteristics.--All life from an egg.--The human
egg, size, etc.--The ovum always passive.--The spermatozoAśn, or sperm,
always active.--Their remarkable vitality.--The quicker pulse of male
children at birth.--Greater activity of boys.--While more male children
are born, a larger per cent. die in infancy.--Women endure more and live
longer.--Woman's more passive nature recognized by the civil law, 31
CHAPTER III.
DIFFERENCES OF SEX.
(Continued.)
Women keep life stable.--Men keep it from stagnation.--Influence of each
a corrective upon the other.--The law of mental and physical resemblance
of elderly married persons.--Why woman possesses the stronger moral
nature.--How husband and children are benefited.--The savage tribes
manifest the dominant male characteristics.--Civilized nations take upon
them the best characteristics of the feminine type.--The best
characteristics of each sex finds modified expression in the other.--The
beneficial effects which God secures by the union of an active with a
passive sexual nature in marriage.--The well-being of both
bettered.--Mutual intelligence begets harmony, while ignorance produces
discord and misery.--The reproductive organs differentiated in man and
in woman.--The same organs modified, differently placed, and assigned a
different office, 41
CHAPTER IV.
ESSENTIALS IN HUSBAND AND HOME.
Requisites in a good husband.--Woman's love of home and its
adornments.--Keeping up the courtship.--The home, the club, and the
loafing-place.--An instance in point.--The right of the wife to share
the husband's recreations, diversions and pleasures.--The wife's greater
need of relaxation and diversion.--Dr. Farrar's picture of a considerate
husband.--Woman's love of being wooed.--Not marriage, but the parties
to it, often a failure.--Degraded views concerning women often
held.--Domineering wives and husbands.--The Zuni Indians.--The
Scriptural teaching.--Industry essential to happiness in the home.--The
claims of religion to be recognized.--The conditions of the wicked and
godly contrasted.--The promise of the life that now is, as well as that
which is to come, 53
CHAPTER V.
THE PHYSICAL COST OF PROCREATION.
Boxing the compass, or proving the principles.--Prevalent ignorance on
subjects relating to sex.--Lessons taught by the reproduction of
vegetable life.--The green scum of the pond.--Reproduction costs
life.--Death as the result of reproduction among fishes.--Reproduction
among insects.--The drone and the queen bee.--With the birds, death as
the result of reproduction disappears.--With animals, the ovum and sperm
are reduced to microscopic proportions.--The inclination to beget, a
premonition of decay and death.--Procreation costs vital
force.--Reproductive inclination periodic among the lower animals.--More
continuous in man.--Benefits of restraint.--Strict continence often an
imperative duty.--Instances named, 74
CHAPTER VI.
MARITAL MODERATION.
Twofold nature of love.--Rooted in the physical, flowers in the
spiritual.--Lust often miscalled love.--Three theories concerning the
marital relation.--Unrestrained indulgence for men.--For procreation
only.--As an expression of affection and for mutual endearment.--The
perpetuity of the race and the highest good of the individual
consistent.--What is marital moderation?--Difficulty in defining.--The
reproductive sense, like hunger, to be brought under the dominion of
intelligence and refinement.--The worm and the wild animals contrasted
with man in the satisfying of hunger.--Jeremy Taylor's rule.--Strong
words from Mrs. E. B. Duffey.--Marital moderation vs. conjugal
debauchery.--Limits set by some physicians.--No one rule equally
applicable in all cases.--Physical conditions of both husband and wife
to be considered.--Degrading effects of sexual excess.--The wishes of
the wife always to be respected.--Stimulating food, books, pictures,
etc.--Importance of single beds and separate apartments.--Opinions of
others quoted.--Physical culture as a corrective.--Manly mastery worth
all it costs.--The struggle not endless, 85
CHAPTER VII.
DEFECTS AND DEFICIENCIES.
Apprehensions awakened.--Foolish and injurious expedients resorted
to.--Actual impotence not frequent.--Consult only intelligent and
conscientious physicians.--How to remove the apprehension.--Defects and
deficiencies even less prevalent among females than among
males.--Importance of proper treatment of the bride.--Rareness of
deformity and abnormal conditions.--Weakness and diseased condition of
the womb frequent among women.--No woman with serious womb trouble
should marry.--How actual conditions can be accurately and properly
determined, 103
CHAPTER VIII.
PURITY AND FIDELITY.
Happiness dependent upon plain everyday principles.--The defilement of
the breath.--Effects on wife of the use of tobacco by the
husband.--Effects upon physical and intellectual inheritance of
offspring.--Effects of the use of liquor upon progeny.--The duty of
fidelity.--One standard for both husband and wife.--The physical risks
of impurity.--The sufferings of innocent and unsuspecting wives.--An
impressive illustration.--Terrible effects suffered by wives as result
of gonorrhA"a in husbands.--Unmistakable testimony of eminent
physicians.--Not only physical effects upon wife, but moral effects upon
self and children, 110
PART II.
CONCERNING HIS WIFE.
CHAPTER IX.
THE BRIDE.
Importance of knowledge contained in preceding volume.--Woman possessed
of less sexual inclinations than man.--Threefold classification.--Those
largely devoid of sexual feeling.--This condition accounted for.--The
large class to whom the pleasure is normal.--The third class consists of
those in whom sexuality is a ruling passion.--Misfortune of such a
condition in a wife.--Among animals the female determines the time of
mating.--No rapes among animals.--The subjugation of the wife.--Her
right over her own body.--The changes which come to the reproductive
natures of men and women at middle life.--Noticeable effect of the new
relation upon young married people.--The cause and cure of excessive
sensual tendencies, 123
CHAPTER X.
THE CARE OF THE BRIDE.
Few young husbands intelligent guardians of their brides.--Many brides
totally ignorant of everything relating to sex.--Depleted physical
condition of most brides.--Ignorant brides and inconsiderate
husbands.--Estrangement often begins with marriage.--The Grecian custom
a good one.--An instance where passion and impatience resulted in a
permanent separation.--Plain words by Dr. Guernsey.--Mrs. Duffey's
warnings to rapacious young husbands.--Serious physical effects.--Dr.
Napheys on the precipitancy of young husbands.--Physical inconvenience
and discomfort of young brides.--What may be regarded as sufficient
evidence of virginity.--Medical authorities quoted.--Idiots and
imbeciles begotten as result of liquor used on wedding
occasions.--Wedding joy "too good to last."--The wave cannot remain at
its crest.--Have a home.--Dangers of hotel and boarding-house
life.--Danger from debt.--Industry, happiness and health.--How to have
joy abide to the end, 132
CHAPTER XI.
THE YOUNG WIFE AND MOTHERHOOD.
Manifold duties of the wife.--The great army of martyred wives and
mothers.--Need of consideration on the part of husbands.--Parenthood the
great purpose of marriage.--The great wrong of purposed and persistent
evasion of parenthood.--It places lust upon the throne of love.--Such
evasions always punished by nature.--Queen Victoria as a model
mother.--Motherhood may not properly be forced upon an unwilling
wife.--How to effect the necessary change of mind.--Why many wives are
unwilling to become mothers.--How children mold the characters of
husband and wife.--Children golden links to bind husband and wife more
closely.--They are buffers to break the jars of family life.--They
become their parents' benefactors.--Desire for children natural and
commendable.--Barrenness.--Causes of, 146
CHAPTER XII.
QUESTIONS CONCERNING OFFSPRING.
Natural for parents to desire offspring.--The prevalent unnatural desire
to evade parenthood.--The crime of destroying unborn human life.--The
law pronounces the crime murder.--The question of
quickening.--Authorities quoted.--How the health and lives of mothers
are sacrificed by abortion.--Character of "unwanted" children.--The
desire to murder transmitted from mother to child.--The transmission of
a predisposition to commit murder.--How the minds of young girls are
prepared for child-murder.--Defective instruction and consequent
ignorance.--How husbands drive wives to commit this great crime.--Awful
testimony of wives.--The largest reproduction possible not
intended.--Quantity as well as quality.--Culpable and criminal
limitation of offspring.--Times when it is wrong to beget
children.--Difficulties may be removed and fitness acquired.--How may
the birth rate be rightly regulated?--What physicians say.--Unsafe,
unsatisfactory and ruinous methods resorted to.--The Scriptural
provision.--Benefits and dangers of "Prepared Parenthood."--Mental state
at time of conjunction.--Mental and physical state of mother during
gestation.--Signs of fruitful conjunction, 162
CHAPTER XIII.
THE EXPECTANT MOTHER.
During maternity the wife should have special consideration.--Lack of
intelligence often inspires fear and dread.--Discouraging and depressing
remarks of some women to expectant young mothers.--How to overcome her
gloomy forebodings.--The changed demeanor of some women after
conception.--The husband's duty in such cases.--The wife should become
intelligent before conception takes place.--The husband should secure
intelligence by reading the best books.--Valuable suggestions on diet,
rest and exercise from "Trained Motherhood."--Mistakes often made after
confinement.--The marital relation during pregnancy.--The example of
birds and animals.--The custom in heathen countries.--Medical
authorities quoted.--Importance of an undisturbed maternity, 197
CHAPTER XIV.
THE CHANGES WHICH PRECEDE, ATTEND AND FOLLOW CHILDBIRTH.
Wonderful adaptation of body of the mother to reproduction.--How
wonderful a watch which could oil, repair and produce other watches, and
keep accurate time.--Wonders of reproduction seen in the flower.--Death
defeated and extinction prevented by reproduction.--The agony of
splendor which attends the period of fertilization of the
flowers.--After fertilization the flower fades.--Similar changes in
human life.--Illustrated in the birds.--The changes in appearance and
demeanor more marked in the female.--The greater changes within the
mother's body.--How conception takes place.--Why two parents instead of
one.--The womb seems almost instinct with intelligence.--No spermatozoAśn
or ovum retained unless the two have united.--The changes which take
place in the ovum.--Its reception and royal cradle in the womb.--The
cradle enlarged with the growth of its occupant.--In the minute egg are
ingrained the characteristics of the man or woman that is to be.--How
the germ is at first nourished.--The formation of the placenta and its
office, 216
CHAPTER XV.
THE CHANGES WHICH PRECEDE, ATTEND AND FOLLOW CHILDBIRTH.
(Continued.)
The formation of the sacs about the germ of life.--Spontaneous
segmentation.--Formation of Blastodermic membrane.--The embryonic
spot.--The different membranes which enclose the embryo.--The gathering
of "the waters," or the amniotic fluid.--The office of the amniotic
fluid.--The growth of the embryo described by Dr. Guernsey.--The
rudimentary embryo at five weeks, at seven weeks, two months, and ten
weeks.--At end of the fifth month the embryo known as the
fetus.--Changes indicated at time of birth.--Man fearfully and
wonderfully made.--Bodily changes of the mother as parturition
approaches.--The descent of the womb.--Enlargement of vagina and
external parts.--The coming away of "the plug," or "the
show."--Premonitory pains.--Undue apprehensions of danger.--Wonderful
changes that take place in the body of the mother at birth of
child.--Changes in the body of the child after its birth, 233
CHAPTER XVI.
WHEN THE BABY IS BORN.
Birth at tenth menstrual period.--Labor-pains and
after-pains.--Intelligent preparation removes anxiety and danger.--What
the husband needs to know if no physician is present.--Severing of
placentic cord.--The physician's instructions to be obeyed.--Should the
husband remain with his wife?--The afterbirth.--The first need of the
child.--The care of the mother.--Protection from visitors.--The
selection of a nurse.--From six weeks to three months to secure normal
condition of reproductive organs.--Marital relation after confinement
and miscarriage.--Instances of cruel exactions.--Nature of first
nourishment of child.--Dangers of wet-nurses and vicious
nurse-girls.--The pleasures of fatherhood.--The father's duty to his
children, 251
PART III.
CONCERNING HIS CHILDREN.
CHAPTER XVII.
HEREDITY.
Only early knowledge can be of any benefit to offspring.--Our previous
treatment of heredity.--The three periods of greatest molding
power.--Relation of correct model to finished statue.--Education of
child begins "twenty years before it is born."--Heredity in
horses.--Effect of mental state of mother upon the forming unborn
offspring.--Emotions effect chemical changes in the breath.--Physical
and mental state effect exhalations of body.--Odors of insane asylums,
penitentiaries, etc.--Achievements in development of domestic animals,
birds, fruit trees, flowers, etc.--These laws in human
heredity.--Modifying interferences.--"Degenerate sons of noble
sires."--Causes not difficult to find.--Essentials of good soil, good
seed and good care, 265
CHAPTER XVIII.
PRENATAL INFLUENCES.
Prenatal influences illustrated.--Robert Burns, Napoleon.--A
kleptomaniac.--How some murderers were made.--Guiteau.--The mother of an
artist.--The twins that liked books.--Various instances
named.--Child-marking.--A child with two thumbs.--Born with but one
hand.--Corrective theory of C. J. Bayer.--Corrective
longings.--"Longings."--Their treatment.--Their effects.--Instances
given.--The mother's molding power in producing characteristics desired
in her children.--Potency of this influence.--Forming versus
reforming.--A word of comfort to parents of children that are marked at
birth.--Diverse theories concerning the determining of sex, 276
CHAPTER XIX.
CHILDHOOD.
The opportunities for forming and reforming during infancy.--Books and
periodicals on nurture and training of children.--Importance of first
two years.--Evils of promiscuous kissing.--Potency of nursery
influences.--Protecting the child from vices of servants.--Danger from
secret vice.--Honest answers to honest inquiries.--Forestall degrading
information from vicious companions.--The parents' duty at puberty of
child.--Education of children.--Their physical culture.--Moral
training.--The parting word, 290
PREFACE.
In approaching the work which we have undertaken in these pages, we have
not been blind to the difficulties which confront us in entering upon so
delicate a subject. If we had thought only of these, we would never have
taken up our pen in this work. We have been moved to it by the cries of
disappointment and anguish which may be heard everywhere throughout our
land, and by the pleadings that come up out of the dense ignorance which
envelops palace and hovel alike. Knowing the importance of these
"matters which are so central in our physical life, so essential in
their relation to the condition, character, career and destiny of every
individual, and so fundamental and vital to every institution and
interest of society;" knowing also the importance of proper intelligence
concerning the laws which govern our bodies, and knowing how the honest
and the pure who seek information concerning these most sacred relations
of human life are exposed, amid the dearth of pure and reliable books,
to contamination by books whose secret character designedly fosters the
very lusts and evils which they are professedly written to denounce, we
have felt that we would be recreant to duty, to humanity and to God if
we allowed difficulties to bar us from this important work. Turn where
you will, the manifest consequences of the prevalent ignorance upon
these vital and important subjects stare one in the face, and the
appealing need of the hosts of honest men and women who desire such
information as will enable them to attain the noblest and the best which
God has placed within their reach is a sufficient condemnation of that
spurious "modesty" which desires that a ban shall continue upon
intelligence, so that men and women may remain in a hopeless bondage to
vice and its awful consequences.
Knowing the universal need for the information which we have sought to
communicate in a plain and pure way in these pages, and while laboring
with an ever-present sense of the difficulties and delicacies of the
undertaking, we have turned to our task with greater assurance when we
have remembered the appreciative messages of eminent men and women which
have come from all quarters of the globe, the unreserved and hearty
commendations which the earlier books of the series have received from
the entire religious, secular, educational and medical press of the
United States, England and Canada; we have been inspired by the fact
that these books are already being translated into other languages; that
without suggestion they have been publicly commended at the different
international conventions of Christian workers in this country, and are
also being used by Christian missionaries in many lands in their
efforts to redeem and save the heathen.
To many, marriage is not that source of blessing and happiness which God
intended. Its purposes and possibilities are never realized. Thousands
are constantly entering upon marriage only to be miserable and wretched
because they do not understand the nature and intent of their own
endowments, or the purpose of God in ordaining the institution. Whatever
information they ever obtain is secured by blind blunderings, and at the
most ruinous cost. Even where no permanent physical consequences are
entailed, mental and moral effects, which are even more ruinous in their
results, remain to mar the blessings of later years. Had they been
intelligent, they might have possessed from the very first the benefits
and blessings which ignorance has placed and kept beyond their reach.
Sad as such results are, they are still more grievous because of the
consequences which must be suffered by their families, and which are
handed down to innocent children who are to reap the results of parental
ignorance long years after the parents themselves may have passed away.
It is to save young men and young women from such disastrous and
far-reaching results, and to afford them the blessing and happiness
which God intended, that we have set ourselves to the task undertaken in
these pages.
To secure the largest assistance from these pages, it is necessary to
know that this book is supplemental and stands related to the two which
have preceded in the nature of an educational series. To comprehend the
entire subject of the reproductive organs, their purpose, function and
preservation, it would be well also to know the contents of the books
which follow this present volume in the same series.
Gratefully acknowledging the valuable aid and assistance from many
sources, trustfully seeking the continued co-operation of the good and
pure everywhere, and relying upon the favor and blessing of Him whose
guidance we have constantly sought, this volume is now sent forth on its
important mission.
SYLVANUS STALL.
PHILADELPHIA, PA.,
July 20, 1899.
PART I
CONCERNING HIMSELF
WHAT A YOUNG HUSBAND OUGHT TO KNOW.
CHAPTER I.
THE RELATION OF MARRIAGE.
The young man who marries finds himself in an entirely new relation in
life. Grand as life may have been in the past, the present and the
future are full of new meaning, of grander possibilities and of larger
blessing. God has meant that love should come to man to glorify life and
to lift the lower nature of husband and wife into higher realms of
thought and being; to transform, deepen, broaden and soften. In them
love becomes the potent source of mightiest inspirations. The husband's
duty seemed formerly to be to care, to arrange and to provide only for
himself. Now he has assumed additional responsibilities. He is no longer
to live for himself, but for his wife, his children, and in a larger
sense for his descendants--for the good of the race. He is to continue
by transmitting himself, that life may remain when he is gone. What he
does involves the interests of his wife, and of those who are to come
after him. Love is to conquer selfishness. He is to rise above himself,
and the present good and future happiness of others are to constitute
his well-being.
His present and future happiness will be dependent upon a clear
apprehension of the fact that what he is will determine what his
descendants are to be after him. He should comprehend the fullest
meaning of what is taught in the statement that "we are part of all the
people whom we have met," the result of past influences and previous
life. What we have been and are, that we transmit. The responsibilities,
are grave, but the state of two congenial souls made one in happy
marriage is the grandest and most blessed earthly condition conferred
upon man by God himself. It meets the requirements of our being, and,
when properly understood and faithfully conformed to, brings the largest
happiness that mortals are capable of upon earth. Husband and wife,
parents and child, home and country, form the centre of all that makes
life dear.
The purest, noblest and most unselfish aspirations and purposes derive
their strength and being from the sweet influences which have their
beginning and their continuance in this power which draws men and women
together in happy and holy wedlock. By these sweet influences the most
perfect natures are moulded and ennobled. By them are formed the
strongest ties that hold humanity to the accomplishment of every high
and holy endeavor. Where the mind has continued pure, and the character
untarnished, and the life unsullied by the touch of social evil, the
sexual impulse does not die in that cradle of our being where God has
given it birth but marches like a mighty conqueror, arousing and
marshalling the mightiest human forces in every department of man's
nature. It formulates his purpose, quickens his imagination, and calls
into exercise his united powers in the attainment of the world's
greatest and grandest achievements in art, in letters, in inventions, in
philosophy, in philanthropy, and in every effort that is to secure the
universal blessing of mankind.
It is under the awakening of the reproductive life that the fields put
on their verdure, the flowers unfold their beauty and fragrance, the
birds put on their brightest plumage and sing their sweetest song, while
the chirp of the cricket, the note of the katydid, is but the call to
its mate--for the many-tongued voices which break the stillness of field
and forest are but the myriad notes of love. To this universal,
God-given passion, man owes his love of color, his love of beauty and
sweetness in art and music, his love of rhythm in poetry, of grace in
form, in painting, in sculpture; and from it not only springs the love
of the beautiful, but even the perception and recognition of all that
which is pleasing and lovely.
This is the emotion that strengthens every faculty, quickens every
power, animates, modifies, ennobles, purifies and sweetens the entire
being, and makes our life upon earth, when directed by godly purposes,
the unfolding and enriching of those nobler powers of the soul which are
to find their fullest fruition and perfection in heaven itself.
While these powers may all be kept in abeyance until financial, social,
religious and other requirements can be adequately met, yet there is a
proper time for their full expression and purposed exercise. While God
has meant that reason should rule over passion, and that every sexual
impulse should yield to other requirements and activities, yet He has
wisely purposed that these leadings of our nature should be pronounced
and strong. If these sentiments and emotions were not strong--very
strong indeed--no man, knowing the risks and dangers which are liable to
arise because of incompatibility of temper, mistaken estimates of
physical, intellectual and moral qualifications, would take upon himself
the responsibilities, incur the risks, augment his expenses, and assume
the far-reaching obligations which are involved when two are united,
"for better or for worse," in indissoluble bonds for life.
Were not the sentiment and emotions strong in woman, as well as in man,
what woman would assume the responsibilities of wife and mother?
Whatever man is required to give up, to endure, to suffer, to risk, even
more seems to fall to the lot of woman. Were it not for strong sentiment
and moving emotion, what woman would commit her entire future to the
keeping of any man? Where is one who would assume the pains and perils
of maternity, with the subsequent possibility of being left by the death
of her husband with a family of dependent children?
If the young husband desires in marriage the joys and blessings with
which God has crowned this relation, he need not seek the immolation of
his sexual nature, but he does need to subordinate his sexual passion to
the reign of reason and the government of the moral sense. He cannot
afford to ignore the rights, the comfort and the wishes of his wife. If
he looks upon marriage as an easy means of securing self-indulgence, as
affording a safe and lawful means for unbridled gratification, he is
doomed to disappointment and to misery. If passion is to be enthroned
where God ordained that none but love should reign, then anarchy with
all its attendant horrors must, and surely will, desolate the heart, the
home and the life; for lust can filch but cannot enjoy the pleasures and
blessings of this heaven-ordained relation, which are reserved only for
the pure, who live under the domain and rule of love and reason.
To comprehend love in its intended relation to sexual impulse, and at
the same time to understand something of it in its diviner aspects; to
know love in its beauty, greatness and power; to free it from ideas of
grossness and evil, and yet to retain in healthful balance and poise
that portion of our nature which God has assigned so prominent and so
important a place in man's estate of present happiness and the future
prosperity and blessing of the race, is the instant duty of all
intelligent men and women, both young and old. Conscientiously to relate
these emotions of our nature to the highest well-being of the individual
and the race, and to redeem the purest and most sacred relation of life
from the realm of degradation and shame, to disarm and depose that
sensual usurper which has been enthroned and worshiped in the name of
love, and "set love herself upon the throne, fair, luminous and pure,"
to gladden, to bless, and to save, shall be both our effort and our
justification.
CHAPTER II.
DIFFERENCES OF SEX.
It is both difficult and unnecessary to determine which is the superior
of the two sexes. When the subject is regarded in its true light there
is no superiority upon the part of either, and at the same time each is
superior to the other in the sphere in which God designed them to move.
The truth was perhaps aptly represented by President Lincoln when
presented at the same time with two hats by rival hatters. Both hats
were about as perfect as it was possible for human skill to make them.
He desired to recognize this perfection in both, and yet to avoid
discrimination in favor of either, and in that matchless sufficiency
which qualified him for the demands of almost any situation, Mr.
Lincoln, in accepting the hats, said: "Gentlemen, your hats mutually
excel each other." The same is true of men and women; they mutually
excel each other. In man's place, he is superior; and in woman's place,
she is superior. The wisdom with which God has adapted each for the
important place which they are to occupy in life is well worth our
thought and study, and a clear apprehension of the subject will help to
remove many of the misunderstandings, estrangements and conflicts which
so frequently arise in married life.
That neither is superior to the other, but that they are two parts of
one complete whole, segments of the same circle, and that their union is
absolutely essential to unity and entirety, will be best understood as
we study what these differences are. In some respects man is inferior to
woman, while in other respects woman is inferior to man. In a happy
marriage these differences become complemental, rendering possible that
superior unity in which the two are made one. Let us note what some of
these differences are.
In stature, woman is shorter than man. In the United States the average
height of men is about five feet eight inches, and the weight about one
hundred and forty-five pounds. The average woman is about five feet
three inches in height, and about one hundred and twenty-five pounds in
weight. The normally-developed man has broad shoulders and narrow hips,
while woman has narrow shoulders and broad hips. Her shoulders set
further back, giving her breast greater depth. In effecting this change
her collar-bone is shorter, and this is one reason why she cannot throw
a stone or ball with as much accuracy as man. In man the muscles are
well defined, and indicate great strength, while in woman, even when the
muscles are well developed, the outlines are more hidden by fatty and
cellular tissues, which fill all the hollows and round off all angles,
giving her peculiar grace and beauty. He has greater muscular force, but
she has more power of endurance. The bony structure of woman is smaller,
and more delicately formed. The angles of the bones are less projecting,
and the joints better concealed. The skull is smaller, and the bones of
the cranium thinner. The sternum, or breastbone, is shorter and flatter,
and the clavicles, or collar-bones, more crooked and shorter. His voice
is deeper and more guttural; hers softer and more musical. Her neck is
longer, her skin softer, her hair less generally diffused but more
luxuriant in growth than in man.
The most noticeable feature in the study of the differences of the bony
structure of the two sexes is observable in the pelvis--a word derived
from the Greek, signifying dish or bowl. In man this structure is simply
to subserve the purposes of strength and motion. In woman this bony
basin, which forms the lower part of the body, has an additional purpose
of special importance. At her side the hip-bones form the highest
points, and from these the pelvis slopes down until in front it forms a
comparatively narrow rim called the pubic arch. This change of form in
woman is designed to adapt her body to become the first cradle of her
children, and in the fullness of time to permit the easy transit of a
new being into the outer world. In preparing woman for maternity, God
has thus equipped her with such physical adaptation as is suited to the
carrying of her temporary burden, while at the same time affording
protection for the hidden life within, thus fitting the physical frame
of woman to the mother-nature with which He has endowed her.
While woman is thus furnished with physical requisites suited to the
easiest accomplishment of the divine purpose--while the form of her
body, the articulation of her bones and the size of her muscles all
indicate her sense of dependence upon man--God has, with like wisdom,
adapted man in all of his physical endowments to become the shield and
defender of woman. He is to be her protection and her defense. His
fiercer visage, his broader shoulders, his more muscular frame, all
speak clearly of the divine purpose.
Intellectually, as well as physically, men and women are best suited for
their respective duties and responsibilities in life. In arriving at a
conclusion, man is much more deliberate and logical, proceeding step by
step after an orderly method; while woman reaches the conclusion in much
less time by means of her intuition. While woman is by no means
incapable of logical deductions, yet generally she does not stop to
reason it out, but takes refuge in the statement that she "knows that it
is so;" that she is "sure that she is right." It is easy to see that
intellectually, as well as physically, men and women are complemental,
and when the conclusions arrived at are identical they become
confirmatory of each other. While men would be likely to prefer the
conclusions which are reached by their own method, yet women in the
exercise of the same freedom are likely to prefer the intuitions of
their own sex. For either to decide in favor of the intellectual
superiority of their own sex would be somewhat like the case of two men
engaged in a lawsuit, where one takes it upon himself to become umpire
and decide in favor of himself and against his opponent.
The nervous system of woman is more refined and more delicate than that
in man. This greater nervous sensibility renders her more susceptible to
impressions, enables her to dwell constantly in the realm of more
refined susceptibilities, rendering distasteful to her all things that
are coarse and low, and at the same time endowing her with a greater
capacity both for pleasure and for pain. Man's sources of pleasure are
not always hers, but in love of her home and its adornment, in love of
her children and their well-being, of literature, art, music and
religion, she usually surpasses man, save in exceptional cases.
To enable woman, with her finer nervous sensibilities, to meet the
larger burden of pain and suffering which is laid upon her, God has
adequately fitted her by bestowing a compensating power of endurance. If
we desire to deny woman this greater sensitiveness and greater endurance
we would need to ignore the patience and bravery with which they face
and bear the pains and perils of maternity--pains and sufferings of
which they assert that man cannot form the remotest idea.
But there are also other differences less manifest to the superficial
observer, but none the less real and important to those who would
comprehend the wonderful wisdom of the Creator and intelligently prepare
themselves to receive the good which is designed for and is possible to
intelligent men and women.
There are inherent differences of character and modifications of
temperament which can be best understood by studying the very earliest
manifestations of human life when we examine the sperm of the male and
the ovum of the female as seen under the microscope. These
characteristics are not imaginary, but inherent, and are manifestly
designed and intended by the all-wise Creator. And it is only when we
study these characteristics in their entirety, with a desire to
understand the divine purpose, that we can measurably comprehend how
these individual differences in each contribute to the blessing and the
well-being of both.
The part contributed by the mother in the reproductive act toward the
life of the future child is called an ovum, which means an egg; for all
forms of life, both vegetable and animal, begin with a seed or egg,
which are two names for the same thing. In the lower forms of life these
eggs are usually produced on the exterior of the plant, while in the
higher forms of life, as, for instance, in the bird, the seed or egg is
produced in the inside of the body, and after being perfected is
expelled, to be hatched in a nest, where the young, when they attain
their proper size, break the shell and emerge into the outer world. In
the highest forms of life the ovum reaches its maturity in a department
of the mother's body which is called the ovary. In woman, at the end of
a period of twenty-eight days, as a succeeding ovum ripens it passes
into a tube which awaits its reception, and is moved onward into the
womb, where it remains for a period, awaiting the reception of the male
element called the spermatozoa. This is the plural, while a single one
is called a spermatozoAśn. The ovum or egg of the mother is so small that
two hundred and forty of them would need to be laid side by side in
order to make a row one inch long. The spermatozoAśn, the principle of
life contributed by the male, is so small that it is not visible to the
eye except by the aid of a microscope, and, when seen, somewhat
resembles a pollywog. These minute centres of life are alive, and move
in a fluid which is secreted by the male organs of reproduction, and
which is generally called semen. Now, if we study the characteristics of
the ovum and of the spermatozoAśn we may be surprised when we discover
some of the same differences which characterize men and women from
infancy to old age.
In passing through the tube which is to carry it into the womb from that
portion of the body of the mother where it has attained its growth and
perfection, the ovum is passive--does not move by its own inherent life,
but is carried forward to its designed place by the movement in the tube
itself, the same as the food which is masticated in the mouth is passed
on to the stomach, not by any action in the food itself, but by the
movement of the esophagus, which passes it onward to its destined place
in the stomach. In other words, the ovum is passive.
When we come to the spermatozoa, or sperm, of the male, we find an
entirely different manifestation. Just the same as you see the pollywog
moving in the water, or tiny fish swimming about in the pool, so the
spermatozoa move with activity and vigor in the semen, and when this has
been transferred to the interior of the body of the mother in the manner
in which God designed, it retains its activity, moving vigorously about
in the upper portion of the vaginal cavity until it finds the entrance
into the womb. Passing through and above the cervix, it continues to
move about with great activity until it finds an ovum, which it seeks
with avidity. When it reaches the womb, if there is no ovum present, it
may remain there for a period of days awaiting its arrival, or may find
its way into one of the Fallopian tubes which lead out to the ovary, and
even go in quest of the object of its search as far as the ovary itself.
These little creatures, one-fortieth of an inch in length, and requiring
that hundreds of them should be laid side by side in order to extend one
single inch, are so numerous that hundreds of them exist in a single
drop of semen, and yet a single one is all that is necessary in order to
fertilize the ovum and render complete the beginning of a new life.
While the ovum is passive, the sperm of the male is characterized by
great activity and remarkable vitality. Dr. Napheys says: "The secretive
fluid has been frozen and kept at a temperature of zero during four
days, yet when it was thawed, these animalcules, as they are supposed to
be, were as active as ever." In her interesting book, entitled "Life and
Love," Margaret Warner Morley says: "Under the microscope these active
forms have been seen eagerly moving around and around the egg until one,
more fortunate than the rest, finds admission and dissolves into the
substance of the egg--not to be finally lost, however, for, as we know,
this inexplicable union results in the growth of a new creature like
neither parent, and yet like both, each cell having given to the new
life certain characteristics of the creature from which it was derived."
This greater activity of the sperm is seen also at the birth of the
child; for physicians tell us that the pulse of a male child at birth
beats two or three times a minute faster than that of a female child.
The tissues of the male are also characterized by the same superior
activity; and not only among men, but among all creatures. The tissues
of the male have a greater tendency to change than those of the female.
In the very fibre of her structure she is quiet, while he is more
active.
Characterized by this more marked vitality, more sturdy form and more
muscular frame, we would naturally expect that the vitality of male
children would be greater than that of female children. But this is not
the case. It is claimed by some good authorities that about five per
cent. more male than female children are born into the world, but at
five years of age more girls are alive than boys.
And what may seem increasingly strange, when we consider the greater
perils to which the life of women is exposed in childbearing, the
"expectation of life," as life-insurance companies designate it, is
greater in woman than in man, and when the census of old persons is
taken, the larger number of them are women.
The civil law recognizes this more passive nature of females and the
more intense activity of males by regarding the man as the criminal in
all actions for fornication or bastardy. While public sentiment
ostracizes and is more severe and unrelenting with the woman, the law
always inflicts its penalty upon the man.
CHAPTER III.
DIFFERENCES OF SEX.
_Continued._
These differences in temperament indicate the infinite wisdom of the
Creator, and to any thoughtful observer the many benefits must be
manifest. Longfellow, in his "Hiawatha," says:
"As unto the bow the cord is,
So unto the man is woman.
Though she bends him, she obeys him;
Though she draws him, yet she follows:
Useless each without the other."
Woman might be said to be, both in the family and in society, the
centripetal force, insuring permanency, attracting and drawing to
herself and within herself, thus preventing, in the family and in
society, the tendency to fly from the centre and to produce chaos. Man
is life's centrifugal force. The impetuosity and velocity of his nature
tend to throw everything from the centre. His influence is to prevent
gravitation from drawing everything to a given point, where all would
become a state of rest. While woman keeps life stable, man keeps it from
stagnation; but it requires the reciprocal influence of each to secure
that harmony which God intended. Woman's stability unmodified by man's
influence would tend to result in complete rest, which would mean
stagnation and death. Man's greater impetuosity would lead to
instability, unrest, and possible chaos. As, in nature, the centrifugal
and centripetal forces equalize and balance themselves, swaying the
spheres in fixed orbits, so the influences of men and women upon each
other, both in the family and in society, help to secure and maintain an
even balance. While opposite in tendency, they are yet of equal
necessity and of equal value. Each is essential to the perfection and
completeness of the other, and perfect unity is only secured by the
union of the two.
The reciprocal influences of men and women are oftentimes noticed in old
couples who have passed thirty or forty years together in peace and
harmony, each living year after year under the moulding power of the
other, and each being moulded by the surroundings and influences which
have wrought upon the other. Year after year they become more alike in
form, feature and expression. Their views and opinions become
increasingly harmonized, until there comes also to be a mental
resemblance. That they have lived in the midst of the same surroundings
and breathed the same air, have eaten the same kind of food, have shared
each other's joys and pleasures, have laughed and wept together, have
been under the formative influences of the same conditions, tend in a
measure to this increasing likeness; but under the reciprocal influences
each has lost a portion of this more pronounced personality and taken
upon himself or herself the physical, intellectual and moral features of
the other. Their union has constantly tended to unity.
In religious matters there is also a noticeable difference between men
and women. Generally, woman responds more readily to religious teachings
and influences, and by nature she manifestly follows the Master's
leadings more closely than her male companion; and there are good
reasons evident why this should be so. With the uninterrupted duties of
the household, which are oftentimes even multiplied on Sundays, it is
necessary that a moral sense correspondingly more acute should prompt
her to overcome the difficulties which beset her in her approach to the
sanctuary, and God has given her that added moral force which is
designed to enable her to overcome the increased resistance which she
meets in the performance of her religious duties. There are times also
when, in the discharge of her special duties as wife and mother, for
weeks, and even for months, she is called upon to minister to others in
sickness, or give herself to the care of infant children; and were it
not for the larger endowment of her devotional nature, these repeated
and prolonged but enforced absences from God's house would result in the
formation of a fixed habit which would eventually wholly keep the
majority of women from attendance upon all religious assemblies.
But in view of the important fact that God has more largely entrusted
the moral and religious training of the children to the mother, we need
to think but for a moment to understand what would be the result if her
own nature was not endowed with sufficient strength to enable her to
overcome every barrier, and to rise to the higher plane of duty and
responsibility in this matter. The exceptional instances of mothers who
are themselves deficient in their moral nature and neglectful of
religious duties, and who, on that account, fail utterly in the moral
and religious training of their children, are quite sufficient to
illustrate what would be the condition in the home, in the Church, the
community, and the State, if God had not endowed woman with a stronger
moral nature and a keener sense of religious obligation than is found in
man. It is by this more active moral sense in woman that the religious
poise and balance of the family is maintained; and its benign results
are often seen, not only in the children, but in the husband as well.
The complemental differences in the intellectual and moral natures of
men and women are as essential to the highest and best development of
the entire nature of each as the complemental physical and sexual
differences of each are indispensable to that union in which the two are
made one in the child which is begotten of the father and born of the
mother.
This reflexive and reciprocal influence of each sex upon the other to
the mutual modification and advantage of both is clearly seen in the
nation, as well as in the life of the family. This thought is
beautifully presented by Margaret Warner Morley in her book entitled
"Life and Love": "In the lower life, and in savages, the community in
its characteristics approaches the masculine type; it is selfish,
egoistic, unstable, variable. The herd of buffalo, for illustration,
roams about in search of food and water, charging relentlessly and
destroying whatever enemy comes in its way. The savage tribe often has
no fixed abode, but roams about from place to place; where it has a home
it is, as a rule, given to frequent war with its neighbors, and is
liable to be uprooted by a stronger foe and absorbed, and thus lost, or
it may be destroyed or compelled to move on. While this is true in the
savage community _as a whole_, that is, considered as a nation, a unit;
in its internal organization, on the other hand, it is essentially
_feminine_ in its characteristics; its habits are simple, stable, not
liable to change. It makes no inventions, elaborates no complex
machinery."
In civilized life, the opposite characteristics predominate. The
community as a whole constantly takes upon itself the best
characteristics of the feminine type. It becomes stable, less given to
change. It does not seek war, but prefers peace, becomes more and more
quiescent and altruistic.
While these external changes are discernible, corresponding changes take
place in the _internal_ national life. The civilized nation tends to
move away from the feminine toward the masculine type. Inventions and
innovations constantly change the order of things. National existence is
established, but the existence of the individual calls for a more
vigorous struggle. Competitions become fierce, and the struggle between
labor and capital becomes more intense, and the exertion of personal
energy merges into an effort to secure prestige and place, wealth and
power; consequently the higher faculties generally obtain their larger
development.
In this approach toward the feminine type the community as a whole parts
with some of its less desirable masculine expressions; it becomes
modified, less angular. The desire for war departs, courage remains, and
energy finds expression in new and nobler directions. But while these
changes are taking place, the community does not discard all its
masculine characteristics. It simply parts with the lower or least
desirable of each, while the best elements of both are united in the new
manifestation.
To quote further from Miss Morley's interesting paragraphs: "Certain
changes which mark the advanced community as a whole, necessarily, and
in no less degree, mark the individuals composing it. The sexes are not
sharply distinguished from each other in the intellectual and emotional
realms. On the whole, men as a class probably show a preponderance of
what may be termed masculine characteristics, as greater egoism,
variability, activity; but these masculine characteristics have been
modified, lessened, _effeminized_, so to speak. In the higher type of
man the best and highest feminine characteristics have been fused with
the best and highest masculine characteristics. The fighting instinct,
for instance, has become moral courage; the tendency to vary expresses
itself in great intellectual development; instability and restlessness
have become intellectual rather than physical qualities, leading to
notable inventions and discoveries.
"Brave and gentle, strong and tender, inventive and patient, the finest
type of man owes his superiority to the transforming and illuminating
power of his inheritance of womanly qualities.
"In the higher type of woman the best and highest masculine
characteristics have been fused with the best and highest development of
the feminine characteristics. Altruism, for instance, has been
rationalized and guarded by the exercise of greater reasoning power;
stability, or inertia, has been lessened and prevented from forming an
insurmountable barrier to progress. The tendency to vary has been
strengthened; the more negative nature has progressed to a more positive
condition. Courage, inventiveness and greater strength of intellectual
perception have been fostered in civilized woman. Her submission to man
gradually lessens before the upward progress of her mind. She places
herself as his equal--as the other half, without which his half-life
cannot be complete.
"Nor does this borrowing of the characteristics of each by the other
mean the merging of the two sexes into one,--the obliteration of sex
difference, and hence of sex attraction. It means the elevation of man
by developing his masculine qualities in the direction of their highest
possibilities, and by adding to manhood a new charm, a subtle grace, an
irresistible beauty. It means the elevation of woman by the development
of her womanly qualities in the direction of their highest
possibilities, and by adding to womanhood a new power, a deeper, more
far-reaching sympathy, an ineffable glow and a nobler beauty.
"The mind is a mighty solvent; through it the two sexes have been united
in an intellectual union, from which has been born a new man with the
dominant masculine characteristics developed in the noblest direction,
and enriched by union with feminine characteristics, and a new woman
with the feminine characteristics grandly developed and enhanced by what
was once in the province of masculine knowledge and activity."
In harmony with what we have been considering in this chapter, it is
eminently proper to discuss briefly the reciprocal sexual tempers and
tendencies of married men and women. While the discussion of the various
modifications of these differences does not belong to this chapter, yet
the recognition of the fact itself and a noting of the beneficial,
reactionary and reciprocal effects are pre-eminently in place just at
this point.
The active nature of the sperm of the male and the passivity which
distinguishes the ovum of the female characterize the two sexes from
the beginning to the end of their existence. The greater activity of the
sperm, the quickened pulse of the male child at birth, the more restless
nature of the boy-baby, his running, climbing, active life throughout
childhood and adolescence--these traits characterize not only his
boyhood, his days of developing manhood, but his marital relations as
well.
With rare exceptions, both of person and of instances, in married life
all the sexual aggressiveness is with the male. Wives seldom seek the
closer embraces of their husbands. They are generally indifferent; often
absolutely averse. With the husband, while in perfect health, the
conditions are quite the opposite; and the wisdom of the Creator is
manifest in the fact that were the wife equally quickened by the same
amative tendencies, the male nature would be called into such frequent
and continuous exercise that the power of reproduction would be either
totally destroyed or so impaired that the race would degenerate into
moral, intellectual and physical pigmies. God has made the passivity of
the wife the protection of her husband and a source of manifold blessing
to their children.
Upon the other hand, her uninterrupted and entire neglect of the sexual
relation is wisely overcome, to the advantage of the wife, by her
husband's greater sexual activity, while at the same time her
restraining passiveness is made his safeguard and security. Each brings
into the married relation inclinations and propensities which are to
modify the other, to the mutual benefit of both.
If husbands and wives only knew and adequately realized these facts, and
harmonized their thought and conduct toward each other accordingly, much
of the discord, estrangement and consequent unhappiness in married life
would be eliminated and disappear. When both alike recognize these
differences and the Wisdom which has made them to differ, and when each
is willing to accept the modifying influence of the other in the manner
in which God has intended, the discord and misery which blight thousands
of lives and destroy such multitudes of homes will give place to a
benediction and blessing which will restore to earth a larger measure of
the happiness of Eden.
But before closing this chapter upon the complemental differences
between the two sexes, it will be interesting to observe some remarkable
similarities in the reproductive organs themselves, and to note how, in
that infinite wisdom which is marvelous in our eyes, God has so modified
their form and office that the external organs of reproduction in man
become the internal and seemingly different organs of reproduction in
woman.
To understand the full significance of what we have briefly to say upon
this subject it will be well to recall the fact that in man and animals
even those physical characteristics which may be regarded as strictly
feminine are present in a rudimentary form in the male, and _vice
versa_. Let a single instance suffice. The paps and breasts of the male
are but the diminutive and dormant breasts and nipples of the female;
and this is true not only with man, but with the lower animals.
The male not only simulates but really possesses in rudimentary form all
the parts and powers which characterize the fuller development in the
opposite sex.
That this is true is demonstrated by the cases of abnormal sexual
development which at long intervals are born in different lands, and by
the occasional instances in heathen countries where old men, after
prolonged stimulation of the breasts, are made effectively to serve as
nurses for infants.
As the pelvic bone in man and woman is modified by the various changes
of form which adapt it to the different necessities of each sex, so in a
large measure are the reproductive organs, primarily, the same in men
and women.
If you enlarge the curve of the pelvic frontal, then press the scrotum
or sack of the male upward into the body, it will correspond to the
vagina and the womb of the female. Move the testicles to the right and
the left and you have their counterparts, the ovaries, while the
spermatic cords form the Fallopian tubes for the passage of the
completely formed ovum from the ovaries to the womb. Without materially
disturbing its position, diminish the sexual member of the male and you
have the clitoris of the female.
It is readily seen that with these changes of position, together with
slight modifications of form and function, those parts which to the
unobservant and the unthoughtful seem wholly different in the two sexes
are, after all, discovered to be only diversified forms of the same
thing.
But this very fact, however, invests the study of this subject with
increased interest, and displays in an unexpected manner the wonderful
wisdom which characterizes everything that God has created; for as these
organs take upon themselves the modifications of either sex, every other
organ and faculty that together constitute the individual must be so
modified as to adjust the physical, intellectual, social and moral
natures into harmonious unity of personality.
CHAPTER IV.
ESSENTIALS IN HUSBAND AND HOME.
Before writing of what a young husband ought to know with regard to his
wife and his children, subjects which are to engage our thought in Part
Second and Part Third, it is important that we should carefully consider
some matters which he ought to know concerning himself; for his future
happiness, and usefulness as well, will be quite as much dependent upon
the mental, physical and moral equipment which he personally brings to
the union as the endowments and qualifications which are possessed by
his partner and companion.
If your wife is to have a fair chance for a pleasant home and a happy
and useful life, she will need a husband who can sacrifice his personal
luxuries and self-indulgences in order that he may share with her and
the family the comforts and blessings of their home--a man who will
scorn the saloon, avoid the club, remain away from the lodge, give up
his cigar, and spend his time and his money for the comfort and
happiness of his family.
There are hundreds of homes which are rendered unhappy, and in many
senses miserable, because of the neglect and want which are due wholly
to the selfishness and lack of consideration upon the part of the
husband. If you wish to preserve and perpetuate that which is noblest
and best in your wife and your children, you can only do so by making
your home the centre of your thought, and by making your loved ones the
sharers of your purse and your pleasures. If you wish them to live for
your comfort and happiness, they have an equal right to expect you to
live and sacrifice for their comfort and happiness. Almost any promising
bride may soon be made an ill-tempered wife, a discontented homekeeper
and an indifferent mother by an improvident, extravagant, selfish and
neglectful husband. In most instances, ruined homes come principally
from drink, idleness, bad temper, shiftlessness and thriftless habits,
brutal husbands, slatternly wives and Christless living. Do your duty
faithfully to your wife and your children, and then, if home and
happiness are wrecked, the responsibility will not rest upon you.
In woman, the love of home is usually more dominant than in man. By
cultivating this in yourself you will produce a harmony of thought and
purpose which will contribute greatly to the comfort and well-being of
both. Adorn your home with your own hands. Beautify the lawn, the
shrubbery, and all external surroundings. It matters not how great your
wealth, or how small your purse, every consideration, effort and
sacrifice you make in these directions will add to your own health and
happiness and endear you to your wife. In the development of this common
interest, you may secure in your own experience and the experience of
your wife that happiness which is so manifest in springtime in the
united industry of the two robins as they mold and fashion the nest
together, moved by a common impulse and the premonition of the birdlings
that are soon to be.
Be devoted. Keep up your courtship. Remember and repeat the little
attentions which gave you pleasure months and years ago simply because
you knew that they were a source of pleasure to the one whom you coveted
as your bride and companion for life. How can your wife love and respect
you if you neglect and forsake her? During your courtship, the club, the
lodge and the society of others had to accept second place. You
preferred her company to that of all others. If you are to her and she
to you what each should be, this preference of the one for the society
and companionship of the other will continue throughout life. Your home
will be your clubhouse, and no society, or gilded hall, or corner
grocery with its lounging company, will be able to attract you from her
and from your home.
Most men who frequent these places are attracted there; but some go
there because repelled from their homes. There are women whose
inconsiderate treatment of their husbands repels them from their
families and their homes, and the husbands simply resort to the club or
other place of assemblage in their natural search for a place of refuge
and fellowship. But such instances are the exception. In the majority
of cases the fault is largely, if not wholly, with the husband.
Oftentimes his conduct is due to his thoughtlessness, but more
frequently to pure selfishness.
Recently the writer called at the home of a mechanic to secure his
services in a job of work. It was between eight and nine o'clock in the
evening, and quite dark. For some time no one answered our knock.
Finally a young wife, looking pale, weary and lonely, bearing a large
lamp in one hand and a small child on the other arm, opened the door of
the desolate home. We had a right to expect to find the husband and
father at home, but no; to our inquiry we were told that we would likely
find him at the toll-gate, the harness-maker's, or the grocery. Unless
indications were deceptive, here was a case of cold indifference and
selfish neglect. Would that this were a rare instance; but there are
thousands of such in all circles of society in our cities and towns, and
in the country as well.
We clip the following suggestive incident, and submit it as pertinent at
this place:
"'My home shall be my clubhouse' said a young, unmarried, traveling-man,
when returning from a visit to a former friend who had married and lived
in a pleasant home. Almost the first words the latter spoke, as his
visitor seated himself in the parlor, was: 'I want you to go over with
me and see our nice, new clubrooms.'"
"But I did not come to see them," was the reply; "I came to see you and
your family."
"That you can do anyhow," was the response, "so please get ready and we
will go over and spend the evening there with a nice lot of friends."
"Further protest seemed ungracious, so the visitor yielded. Hour after
hour passed by, and it was midnight before the visitor could induce his
host, who was beginning to feel the effects of a night's drinking and
revelry, to accompany him to his home.
"In the morning the host, who evidently felt that nothing had transpired
at the clubrooms that could be objected to, asked his friend, 'Well,
what is your opinion of our clubroom accommodations?'"
"The rooms are very nicely furnished," was the rather evasive reply.
"But what I want to know is, how did you enjoy yourself in them?"
"As further evasion was useless, the guest said: 'You are asking me a
plain question, and I will answer it frankly. I am a single man, and
expect soon to get married. If I continue to prosper, I intend to settle
down in a comfortable home, and spend my evenings with my wife and my
children. As for your clubrooms, if I wanted to neglect my family and my
business, and perhaps go to ruin, I think I could soon bring about that
result by spending my evenings in your clubrooms; and I am more resolved
than ever that when I am once married my home shall be my clubhouse.'"
Now, we would not seem to indicate that the only proper place for the
husband is in the house--that he should not go out in the evening for
diversion, social fellowship, or recreation. Not at all. These things
are often necessary for his health, his happiness and his well-being.
But are they not as essential to the health, the happiness and
well-being of the wife as of the husband? If he seeks diversion in the
evenings, let it be where his wife may accompany him, and share whatever
benefits he enjoys. If family duties or the care of children render it
impossible for both to leave home at the same time, then manifestly it
is the duty of the husband to divide the advantages and disadvantages
with the wife; and if the husband has the true father-spirit, the
privilege of frequently remaining at home to spend the evening with his
children will afford more pleasure and more profit than could be secured
elsewhere.
The husband should plan and arrange to give his wife a proper amount of
relaxation and diversion. The limitations of her restricted life make
recreation and relaxation essential to the maintenance of good health
and a cheerful disposition. But, in all your planning and arrangements,
remember that relaxation and diversion may be secured within the home as
well as without, and can be there enjoyed by the children also, and by
others who may chance to share the home with you. If you and your wife
have true father-love and mother-love, you will prefer home and the
companionship of your children to any other place, and to the company
of any other person or persons. Faithful husbands and wives and
well-poised parents will need no specific directions in these matters.
They will know how to care for their children, and at the same time not
sacrifice health and cheeriness.
These are important subjects for the thoughtful consideration of young
husbands, and older ones also; and while upon this matter, it may be
well for those of us who are too apt to delegate to the wife the whole
duty of making the home cheery and happy, to read and think upon the
following from the pen of Dr. Isaac Farrar:
"How do you go home to your wife after business hours? Do you not
frequently find a tired woman, who has been so hard at work all day with
the care of three or four babies, and an incompetent hired girl, that
she has found no time to make an afternoon toilet, to meet you as you
would like to have her on your return? Try and be a sympathizing husband
now; embrace your faithful wife and say to her: 'Never mind, my dear,
I'm home early to-night. Come now, go and rest yourself, while I put
little Clarence and Addie to bed, and if Frank comes in for his supper I
will tell Bridget what to get for him.'
"Are you mindful of draughts and slamming doors while she takes her rest
for an hour or so, and can you not induce her to take that rest every
day? Remember her days are long, just as busy, and more full of petty
cares than yours. A woman is required to be everything, from a
reception committee to receive calls in the parlor, to a nurse in the
nursery and a chief executive in the kitchen; while a business man
devotes himself to a single trade or profession.
"When you undertake to entertain your wife the evenings you are at home,
do not have too much to say about the 'scarcity of money;' for perhaps,
in her particular case, she knows as much about that as you do; and if
the wood and coal bills are larger every year, remember that your family
is larger as well; and do not tell her the general dislike you have for
children unless they are angels, for they cannot quite be angels during
their stay here on earth.
"When the children are in bed and the house quiet, do not seat yourself
in the easy chair and read the newspaper to yourself, from editorials to
market reports, as if it contained nothing that would interest an
intelligent woman. Newspapers read in selfish solitude by thoughtless
husbands have made the 'rift within the lute' in more than one happy
home.
"How many anecdotes and stories do you tell your wife to provoke a smile
or a laugh? How many roses or pinks do you pin on your coat, and how
many do you bring home to her? Are you careful of your own appearance in
the long evenings when there is no other woman but her to be captivated
by your manly charms? I am inclined to believe there is more excuse for
her, if her dress has not been changed, her hair made tidy, than there
is for you, most noble husband! Perhaps you never gave it a thought;
but do not excuse your indifference and neglect of fond attentions, for
they are just as dear to that careworn wife of yours at forty-five, or
even fifty, years as at twenty-two, when you promised her that you would
be true and faithful to her through life's journey. Have you honorably
kept your word?
"Your answer may be: 'My wife knows I love her, and that's enough.' She
may know it, but it is a pleasant thing to be assured of now and then,
and if there were more everyday assurances there would be fewer
careless, heart-starved wives."
It is the nature of all women to love to be wooed and won, and after
marriage the same nature craves attention, tenderness, and the
expression of appreciation, affection and love. No man, even if he were
so sordid and selfish as to be moved by no less base or no more worthy
motive than the satisfaction of his own sensual nature and consideration
for his own personal comfort, could afford to withhold the expression of
at least some measure of thoughtful consideration and attention. But any
home in which such feelings have to be feigned, because they cannot
truly be felt, is one in which commiseration and pity need to have a
large place.
Should you ever note upon the part of your own wife the slightest
manifestation of indifference and estrangement, put away from your lips,
and even from your heart, all words of reproof and reproach, and try
again the methods that enabled you to win the affections of your wife
months and years ago. We grant you that there are some women who are
regular Xantippes, whom no philosopher can manage, of whom we have given
illustrious examples in the lives of some eminent men in the preceding
volume, but let us hope that they are not numerous.
There are men, and not a few of them, we fear, who are doomed to
disappointment in marriage. It does not take them long to discover the
discrepancy between what they thought marriage to be and what it really
is. They soon regard this union a mistake, and in a few years, and some
even in a few months, denounce marriage as a failure. The truth is that
the sole and only failure is found in the mistaken and unworthy views
held, concerning marriage, by one or both parties to the contract.
Marriage is no failure, but these men are themselves the failures. They
belong to a class who hold most degraded views concerning woman and her
relation to her husband in marriage. They regard woman as having been
created solely to gratify the unbridled lust of man. They married with
the idea that in such a union the grossest lust would have the sanction
of law, and that in the marriage ceremony the wife relinquished all
right to her own body, and for the satisfaction of wearing the white
veil and carrying a bouquet of flowers consented to surrender to him not
only her rights, but her sense of decency as well. These men who stare
decency out of countenance upon the street, who lay traps for the ruin
of innocent and unsuspecting girls, who invade the sanctity of home, and
whose course through life is like the slimy trail of a venomous serpent,
are unfit for marriage--they are unfit to be regarded even as men. No
man, it matters not how full his bank account or how fine his clothes,
if he holds these low views of woman and of the wife's place in the
marriage relation, is worthy of a wife, for he dishonors his own mother
and sisters, dishonors every right-thinking man, and his Maker as well.
Any man who has in him the seeds of such unworthy sentiments may be sure
that even though they may be hidden during the earlier years, they will
soon grow, and hasten to a harvest of terrible fruitage.
The happiness of many homes is wrecked in the early struggle to
determine whether the will of the wife or the will of the husband shall
have pre-eminence. We have even heard brides boasting that in trivial
matters they contended with their husbands in order to teach them from
the very beginning that they did not propose to recognize any superior
right in the husband to direct, or, as they said, "to boss it over
them." Brides often object to the word "obey" in the marriage service,
and instead of using the words "Love, honor and obey," the substitution
is often made of "Love, honor and cherish," or "reverence." If the word
"obey" is understood by the husband to mean imperious domination, then
it had better be universally expunged. Yet, nevertheless, there is a
great deal of truth in the declaration of Napoleon that he would rather
have his army in command of one poor general than of two good ones. The
careful execution of an ordinary plan is much better than that which
comes as the result of divergent views and conflicting opinions.
In an address delivered before the First National Congress of Mothers
held in Washington, Hamilton Cushing, the chief of the Ethnological
Department of the Government, gave a very interesting account of the
custom among the Zuni Indians, who recognize the pre-eminence of the
female in everything. The men are not even allowed to hold or to have
any right in property, other than through their wives, mothers or
sisters. In many marriage unions the wife is easily the intellectual
superior of her husband, but the universal custom among civilized
nations is to recognize the husband as the head of the house. This is
the Christian idea, and the plain teaching of Scripture; not, however,
in that mistaken sense which is so often intended when the words are
quoted: "The husband is the head of the wife." The Scriptures nowhere
justify a husband in assuming imperious domination over his wife. He is
"the head of the wife," but in that loving, considerate sense "even as
Christ is the head of the Church." The Scriptural teaching is so
important and so beautiful that we insert here, in their entirety, two
of the principal selections upon this subject. That which relates to the
wife we have printed in italics, and that which relates to the husband
we have printed in small capitals. But to understand the relation of
these two co-ordinate truths, it is necessary that the reader should
note carefully the entire context. Paul, in the fifth chapter of his
letter to the Ephesians, from the twenty-second to the thirty-third
verse, writes as follows:
"_Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For
the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the
church: and he is the Saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is
subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in
everything._ HUSBANDS, LOVE YOUR WIVES, EVEN AS CHRIST ALSO LOVED THE
CHURCH, AND GAVE HIMSELF FOR IT; that he might sanctify and cleanse it
with the washing of water by the word, that he might present it to
himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such
thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. SO OUGHT MEN TO
LOVE THEIR WIVES AS THEIR OWN BODIES. He that loveth his own wife loveth
himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and
cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: for we are members of his
body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave
his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two
shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning
Christ and the church. Nevertheless, let every one of you in particular
SO LOVE HIS WIFE EVEN AS HIMSELF; and the wife see that she reverence
her husband."
Here is clearly and beautifully set forth the correct relative
pre-eminence in the home. It is the wife recognizing the headship of her
husband, as the Church recognizes the headship, leadership and authority
of Christ. Upon the part of the husband, his headship is to be exercised
in the spirit of that abounding love which led the Son of God to the
sacrifice of Himself, both during His life and in His atoning death, for
the salvation and blessing of that body of believers who constitute the
Christian Church.
The teachings of Peter in his first general letter, or epistle, in the
third chapter, from the first to the seventh verse, is as follows:
"Likewise, ye _wives, be in subjection to your own husbands_; that, if
any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the
conversation of the wives; while they behold your chaste conversation
coupled with fear. Whose adorning, let it not be that outward adorning
of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of
apparel; but let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not
corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in
the sight of God of great price. For after this manner in the old time
the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in
subjection unto their own husbands: even as Sarah obeyed Abraham,
calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are
not afraid with any amazement.
"LIKEWISE, YE HUSBANDS, DWELL WITH THEM ACCORDING TO KNOWLEDGE, GIVING
HONOR UNTO THE WIFE, as unto the weaker vessel, and AS BEING HEIRS
TOGETHER OF THE GRACE OF LIFE; that your prayers be not hindered."
Here the teaching is also very beautiful and impressive. The wife is to
be in subjection to a considerate and loving Christian husband because
it is her privilege and honor; but even though her husband be no
Christian, one who "obeys not the Word," still she is to recognize and
conform to this teaching, to the end that by her consistent Christian
deportment, and that adorning of "the hidden man of the heart" which is
to be exhibited in "a meek and quiet spirit" she may win him to a life
with Christ.
The husband is to dwell with his wife "according to knowledge," not in
ignorance of the peculiar organs and functions of her reproductive
nature; for Peter here manifestly refers specially to this, for with
wonderful beauty he lifts the marital relation into a holy and sacred
light by calling attention to the fact that the husband and the wife are
"_heirs together of the grace of life_." In other words, God has taken
his power as the Creator of life--think of it! as Creator--and made the
husband and the wife joint heirs together of this grace or gift of
creative power, which power they call into exercise in the act of
reproduction. Surely, intelligence and reverence are essential, both in
the husband and in the wife, in order that they may dwell together
"according to knowledge."
It would scarcely seem necessary to enjoin industry as an essential to
happiness in married life; and yet the happiness of many homes is
wrecked on the rocks of ease and idleness. An idle person is like the
ship that simply floats upon the seas without a cargo, and without a
destination. There are ten thousand directions to shipwreck, but only
one course that will bring the mariner to any desired port in safety.
In making labor essential, God conferred a great blessing upon man. The
idle man is an unhappy man, and the idle woman is an unhappy woman.
Industry is essential to the maintenance of good health, to the proper
poise and manly mastery of the sexual nature, to a contented mind, a
cheerful disposition, to happiness in the home and spirituality in the
life.
Whatever of incentive the past may have lacked, no young husband, unless
he is without true manhood, can look into the face of his devoted wife
and dependent children without being inspired by the obligation which
rests upon him to make adequate provision for every present need and
future emergency. His energy, his effort, his wisdom are largely to
determine not only the present and future, but also the temporal and
eternal destiny of those who gather in dependence about him. Let these
be your inspiration. Not all men can amass wealth; nor is this
essential. Remember there are many things secured by industry and effort
which are more precious than gold. While a competence is desirable,
large wealth is seldom a great blessing. There is a world of sound
philosophy in the declaration of a very rich man who said: "I worked
like a slave until I was forty to make my fortune, and I have been
watching it like a detective ever since--for which I have received only
my lodging, food and clothes." A noble purpose, seconded by manly
endeavor, will secure for your heart and your home what wealth cannot
purchase.
We would be alike untrue to your best interests and unfaithful to Him
who has called us to the delicate and difficult task we have undertaken
in the preparation of these pages did we not say something concerning
that which is highest and best in you, and which the Creator designed
should dominate over every other department of your nature--namely, the
religious or moral nature.
If you want your wife to be happy, do not ask her to struggle onward and
upward alone in the Christian life. She will be lonely if the dearest of
earthly friends is unwilling to travel heavenward with her. You will
double her difficulties if in your life and example you deny the
correctness of her precepts and her life. Even if you propose to
yourself a life of moral rectitude, yet, to your children, you will
become only a stationary guide-board, pointing to their feet the way in
which God intended that you should be a living guide. You have not done
your duty when you have simply permitted the Saviour to come into your
home as the guest of your wife and the Saviour of your children. He
comes to be a guest in your heart, as well as in your home. He comes not
only to save your wife and your children, but to save you--to save the
father, with the wife and the children.
It is not enough, my dear brother, that you give something now and then
toward the support of the church, that you send your children to
Sunday-school, that you attend divine service now and then. Your wife
and children cannot go to heaven for you. Their lonely struggle is
saddened by your absence, and the thought that after having dwelt
together with you upon the earth you may be forever separated from them
in eternity.
Let me appeal to you as an honest man. What is your duty in this matter?
Your duty to your wife, to your children, to yourself, and to your God?
If we were to look upon this subject simply in the light of temporal
good, all the arguments would be in favor of living a Christian life.
Even if you were to consider this subject on its very lowest plane, you
should desire for your wife and your family those larger material
blessings which are secured by a religious life. Christians have not
only the promise of the life that is to come, but they have the promise
also of the life that _now_ is. Paul says: "Godliness is profitable unto
all things, having the promise of the life that now is, and of that
which is to come." We grant you that not every Christian is encumbered
with large wealth; neither is every irreligious man plunged into
poverty. While there are here and there instances where ungodly men are
possessors of large wealth, these instances are exceptional, and the
Scriptural reason not difficult to find. Their riches may be due to the
fulfillment of the promise that God will visit blessings upon the
children of the righteous from generation to generation. These people
may have had praying and God-fearing parents, and on that account the
children, in harmony with Scriptural promise, are now being crowned with
the consequent blessings. Or, it may be, as the Scripture declares, that
the wealth of the wicked is being laid up for the just, and the present
wicked possessor may simply be holding this wealth in trust for the
righteous descendants who are to come after him. Or, it may be, that God
is seeking the salvation of this ungodly individual, for He tells us
that "the goodness of the Lord is designed to lead us to repentance."
The actual conditions are not to be determined by taking an exceptional
example among the irreligious, but by dividing society as a whole into
two classes, and then the result is seen at a glance. In the one class
you have the profane, the vicious, the intemperate, the dishonest, the
law-breakers, and the defiers of God and man. To this class belongs
every man who staggers, reels and falls into the gutter, every tramp who
walks the road, and nine-tenths of all the persons who fill our
almshouses. It includes, with scarcely an exception, every man and woman
who fill our prisons and reformatory institutions; those who crowd the
great tenements and live in filth and squalor in the slums of our
cities; those whose bodies reek with physical and moral
rottenness--these, and many others, constitute the class of the ungodly,
and no attentive person can fail to observe that this is the character
of that portion which the ungodly have in this world.
Now, turn to the other class. Walk up and down the streets where you
find the most comfortable homes, the largest dwellings, the abodes of
the most affluent and respectable in any city, and then answer the
question, whether or no the wealth of the nation is not to-day largely
in the hands of Christian men and Christian women? These are the people
who have the best credit, who can draw checks for the largest amounts.
Among this class you will find the most influential in business, the
owners of our largest mercantile establishments. Men who direct and
control the commerce of the world. Men who are at the head of our
largest banking institutions, railroad and other corporations. But not
only so. These are the people who dwell in the best homes, who eat the
best food, who have the largest amount of material comforts. They are
the people who enjoy the best health, who have the brightest minds, who
produce the best books, the most helpful literature. They have the
brightest eyes and the strongest bodies, and when cholera and plague
come and sweep away men and women by thousands, it scarcely ever crosses
the line which separates these from the intemperate and the vicious, who
go down before these scourges like grass before the sickle. Truly, my
dear friend, if you are to look at it only from this lowest plane of
present good and material comfort, godly living will bring to you the
promise of the life that _now_ is, and in addition you will also have
the promise of the life which is _to come_, a part in the first
resurrection, a place at Christ's right hand, and the promise of sitting
upon a throne judging the nations--you shall be among those who in
triumph enter the eternal city, and receive crowns and robes and palms
of victory and eternal rest at God's right hand.
You cannot afford to neglect the spiritual, which is the highest and
best of your threefold nature. You should call your entire being into
fullest exercise. A Christian is the highest type of manhood, and you
owe it to your wife and to your children, as well as to yourself and to
your Master, to be satisfied with nothing short of this. If troubled
with doubt you will find the difficulty in your own heart. If infidels
have filled your mind with misgiving, or suggested unbelief, read
"Christianity's Challenge,"[A] "A Square Talk to Young Men,"[B] and
various other volumes of the Anti-Infidel Library.[C]
[A] "Christianity's Challenge," by Rev. Dr. Herrick Johnson, American
Tract Society, 269 pages, price $1.00.
[B] "A Square Talk to Young Men," 94 pages, price 50 cents, by H. L.
Hastings, Scriptural Tract Repository, Boston, Mass., 49 Cornhill
street.
[C] The Anti-Infidel Library in tract form, 5 cents each, by H. L.
Hastings, Scriptural Tract Repository, 49 Cornhill street, Boston,
Mass.
CHAPTER V.
THE PHYSICAL COST OF PROCREATION.
Before a ship sails from port with its valuable cargo of goods and its
priceless freightage of life, they do what is called "boxing the
compass." Naturally the compass would point to the true north, but
because of the character of the cargo the needle may be diverted from
the true north. To discover whether such local influences exist, they
test and correct the compass. The deviation from the true north might be
very slight, and in a very short voyage the error might not result in
serious consequences, but the interests involved are too momentous to
permit of any risk. Before entering upon the new voyage of married life
it is essential, for the purity and safety of the two who enter upon it,
and also for the well-being of the other lives which may subsequently be
added to the family, that the principles by which husband and wife are
to be guided should be carefully examined, that errors may be discovered
and corrected, for the wrecking of a ship is of less moment than the
wrecking of human lives, for these involve not only temporal, but
eternal destinies.
The false impressions which young people oftentimes get is due to the
general absence of truthfulness upon the part of older and more
experienced persons in their conversations upon the subject of the
sexual relation. Notwithstanding the fact that the questions which
gather about the subjects of sex are of vast moment, yet these subjects
have been so little written or spoken about in a pure and reverent way
that, for the most part, pure-minded and honest people have banished the
subject from the round of ordinary conversation. This abandonment of a
sacred subject by the pure and truthful has resulted in the general
ignorance and prevailing errors. Among the vile and impure the subject
is much talked of, and because of the lack of correct knowledge,
statements of the most exaggerated, unreasonable and oftentimes
impossible are generally accepted as veritable truth. In dealing both
with themselves and others, men are more deceitful and untruthful upon
this subject than perhaps upon any other. It is because of these facts
that the young and inexperienced so often form the most exaggerated and
unreliable opinions upon subjects relating to the relation of the sexes.
That we may the better understand the whole question of the sexual
relation it may be well to study the reproductive life of plants and the
lower forms of animal life. The knowledge of the lessons they have to
teach may prove a profitable subject for thoughtful consideration and
lead to valuable conclusions for guidance in the relation between
husband and wife.
If with our desire to start with one of the lowest forms of life we go
to the pond and run our finger under the green scum which floats upon
its surface, we will find one of the simplest forms of vegetable growth,
known as spirogyra. The innumerable threads of green are quite like
hairs that lie side by side, in close proximity but not in contact.
Under the microscope each of these green threads is composed of long
tube-like cells, placed end to end and forming a continuous growth.
Under the microscope they very much resemble what in country districts
is called bullrushes, or the different sections of a bamboo
walking-stick or fishing-rod.
In the spring days, when this growth of green approaches its maturity,
it arrives at that mysterious time when the future urgently appeals to
it, when each cell feels a strange and irresistible attraction to its
neighbor cell. Each reaches out toward the other until a contact is
formed, a perfect union is effected, a new germ is created, and the old
cells are left lifeless and perish. The union which results in the
production of the fertilized seed, in which abides the spirogyra of
another springtime, while its beginning costs the life of the parent
plant, the verdure that lived in the green scum has passed away, the new
germs fall to the bottom of the pond, where, through the drought of
summer or the ice and cold of winter, they abide in the sure
resurrection of that new life which is to come with the returning
springtime.
In the higher forms of life similar illustrations of the great parental
sacrifice involved in the act of reproduction are frequently found.
This is specially seen among the fishes. During the reproductive weeks
life speeds along with great intensity. Under the flow of that larger
vitality which greatly quickens and augments certain parts of the
organism, the fish increase in size, every part seems to attain its
perfection and beauty, and the parent fishes yield themselves, to a
reproductive impulse that proves fatal to millions of them. After a cod
has expelled its million or more of eggs there is not much left of its
own body. There is diminished vitality in every part. The male loses his
appetite. Great physical changes result. The skin which covers his
shrunken body changes in color, his nature becomes irritable and
resentful, and he indulges in fierce combats with his fellows.
The fatigue attendant upon the long journeys undertaken by the salmon
during the spawning season and the exhausting effects of the fertilizing
effort are so great that few survive the trying ordeal. The same results
are practically true with regard to the shad. Somewhat analogous changes
and results occur with the female, but they are less marked and less
destructive. The male is characterized by a more intense activity, while
her more quiet nature is her greater safeguard.
The exhaustive and often fatal effects of the reproductive act are very
manifest in insect life. Among the insects the reproductive act of the
male seems to round out the purpose and complete the period of his life.
The exhaustive act is oftentimes speedily followed by death. This same
fatal termination is also experienced by the female after she has
completed the work of developing and depositing the germ in some place
suited for its protection and adapted to its eventual development and
growth. In many instances the fertilizing principle is transferred from
the body of the male to that of the female during flight, and, strange
as it may seem, the intromittent organ of the male and the ovipositor of
the female develop and continue only for that brief period which is
necessary for the transference of the quickening principle and for the
depositing of the egg in a place of safety.
The hive with its hundreds of bees affords an interesting illustration
of the subject in hand. The male bee is a drone. His only purpose in
life seems to be to await the period when the queen bee in her
instinctive desire to perpetuate the life of the swarm is ready to
receive the sperm-cells from the male. The drone is stingless and
helpless. The germ of the queen bee was developed in a special cell, was
fed on royal food and tenderly reared. Her office is not only to preside
over the destinies of the swarm, but to her alone is assigned the entire
work of reproduction. She never leaves the hive but once, and then upon
her nuptial flight, accompanied by a male bee. When the wedding journey
is over, and the queen bee has received the sperm from the male, his
work is done and his destiny is sealed. Death then ensues either by
natural laws, or he is stung to death by the workers, who now regard
him as an unnecessary burden upon the gathered stores of the hive.
The queen bee receives the sperm but once, and then, in a mysterious
receptacle which Providence has provided, the sperm is stored, and for
months, and even for years, for the supply has been known to last for
five years, and during this time the millions of eggs which the queen
bee lays are each fertilized at will, and, strange to say, her wonderful
prolificness does not result in her exhaustion and death, and to prevent
this sad result, her hive-mates make it their care that she shall be
bountifully nourished with the most sumptuous food.
With the birds, death, as the result of the reproductive act,
disappears. The loss which they sustain in reproductive material is
comparatively small, yet something of what this costs is manifest by the
noticeable changes which take place immediately after they enter upon
the mating season. The plumage loses its lustre, the song becomes less
frequent and less ecstatic, and the incoming tides of life, which
reached their fullness at the period of mating, ebb and recede.
Among the higher forms of animal existence the duration of life is
greatly prolonged. The number of the offspring is greatly reduced. The
ovum of the female and the sperm of the male become microscopic. The
germ of life remains within the body of the mother until it has reached
that stage of development which fits it for its independent life in the
outer world. The period from conception to birth is greatly prolonged,
and the periods of deliverance from the necessity of the reproductive
act are alike extended. The higher in the scale the more dependent the
offspring, until in the instance of man the offspring is the most
helpless and dependent of all. The prolonged dependence of the child
upon the care of its parents is calculated to abate the fervor and force
of reproductive inclination.
While in man the reproductive act is not the precursor of death, yet it
is the premonition of that event and the instinctive effort which nature
makes to prevent the extermination of the race.
The inclination to beget descendants is a premonition of the physical
dissolution which awaits the individual, and the act itself is always
more or less exhaustive to the male, and its results, if too oft
repeated, or at periods of brief duration, are disastrous to the female.
Notwithstanding these tendencies and results, yet reproduction is the
expression of the fullness of physical life and vital force. Its
inclination and desire is both normal and necessary, yet it should
always be remembered that the increased activity of the reproductive
system is secured at the cost of diminished force throughout the
remainder of the entire body. No man during the period of the exercise
of his reproductive nature is as strong intellectually, physically, or
in any other department of his entire being, as during the periods when
he is sexually self-contained, or is resting in the calm of sexual
repose.
In the lower forms of life the reproductive flame bursts out into one
all-consuming conflagration, exhausting to the male and eventually
terminating with fatal results to the female. In man this fire burns
with a more steady glow, bursting forth occasionally into more intense
activity, and then subsiding, but always vitalizing and giving energy to
all his powers, and no man can fan this flame into a continuous
conflagration without suffering the most ruinous results and disastrous
consequences.
Among the lower forms of life the reproductive inclination of the male
recurs at those periods when his mate is in the condition necessary to
the procreation of the species. After the act of procreation, the sexual
passion in both subsides, and the reproductive function is not again
called into exercise until after the intervening weeks or months of
repose have passed and nature again responds to the necessity of
procreation for the purpose of perpetuating the species. Where the
periods of ovulation and fecundity recur at brief intervals in the
female, the reproductive nature of the male is in a more continuous
state of activity, so that a fruitful union may be secured when the
reproductive nature of the female is in readiness; but this by no means
indicates any physical necessity or reasonable justification for the
constant or even frequent exercise of the reproductive function.
Strict continence is not injurious, either to the unmarried or to the
married. Thousands of married men and women are suffering from the
effects of excessive sexual indulgence. They drain their physical
powers, weaken the intellect, and fail to attain the happiness and grand
results which would otherwise be possible to them. All who are familiar
with the care of plants know that the best way to preserve their bloom
and beauty is to restrain the consummation of the reproductive act.
Prevent them from going to seed and the flowers continue to bloom.
Remove the anther from the lily and the flower will not fade so soon by
several hours. The same is true with the insects. Where they can be
prevented from losing their vitalizing sperm they live on beyond the
limits of others of their kind who are left free to exercise the
privilege of reproduction. An instance is given of a butterfly which
continued to live for over two years in a hot-house, while the ordinary
period of life to those which exercise the reproductive power complete
and end their career in a few short days.
There are times when married people should observe the strictest
continence. A state of partial or total intoxication is a just cause for
either a husband or wife to deny to the other all marital privileges.
Conception at such a time is more than likely to result in the
production of idiots or epileptics. The cases on record are too numerous
and too well authenticated to admit of doubt in regard to the terrible
consequences of conception under such circumstances.
During sickness or convalescence procreation is not only highly
injurious to the individual, but at any period before the physical
powers have fully regained their most perfect state of health the
transmission of life is more than likely to result in the begetting of
children who are to be afflicted with mental debility and physical
infirmities which shall be so inwrought into the very fibre of their
being as to continue through their entire life, utterly beyond the reach
of all remedial agents.
We can conceive of no greater wrong that a parent could ignorantly or
wilfully inflict upon his unborn offspring than to call them into being
at a period when they cannot escape the inheritance of lifelong physical
or mental infirmity.
Abstinence from the marital relation in some instances becomes almost
absolutely imperative. In the intimate relations of married life the
exercise of such self-restraint is not always easy, but it is
nevertheless possible. There are well-authenticated instances in the
lives of missionaries who have married and immediately gone to climates
where conception during the period of acclimation would have resulted
fatally who have maintained absolute continence for a period of months
and years. We know of an instance where, because of a diseased condition
known as vaginismus, the marital relation was attended with such
discomfort and pain that for a few years it was only indulged at long
intervals, and then totally abandoned, and strict continence maintained
for a period of twenty years and more.
Nor is strict continence in married life without illustrations of those
who have voluntarily chosen it. There are some married people in this
country, more numerous than some suppose, who have adopted the idea of
uniform continence, and who call the reproductive nature into exercise
for the purpose of procreation only, and who assert that the maintenance
of continence secures not only greater strength and better health, but
greater happiness also.
CHAPTER VI.
MARITAL MODERATION.
The foundation of marriage and of home can only be built permanently
upon the abiding nature of love. Like our own being, love has a twofold
nature. Its spiritual part is immortal and unchangeable; its physical
part is temporary in purpose and continuance, and is liable to
perversion and debasement. The physical may even be permitted to
overshadow, debase and quite obliterate the spiritual. In its natural
unfolding and manifestation love is very much like the plant that is
rooted in the earth while it flowers in the sunlight. The earth and the
roots in their relation to each other are essential and even
indispensable to the production of the flower, and the flower is alike
indispensable to the perpetuity of the plant.
So love has its physical and its spiritual nature. Love is rooted in
that unconscious law of our nature which God has enacted for the
preservation and perpetuity of human life. "Nothing but a spurious
delicacy or an ignorance of facts can prevent our full recognition that
love looks to marriage, and marriage to offspring, as a natural
sequence." While this is its objective purpose, it yet serves other high
ends.
In its twofold nature love ennobles its possessor. It makes him
responsive to the love of God upon the one hand and to the love of
mankind upon the other. It gives purpose and zest to life, brightens the
intellect, quickens the imagination, inspires purpose and imparts
physical power. It beautifies and glorifies the individual, and makes
him worthy of redemption. "When it is pure and true it unites two souls
in bonds of happiness which never chafe, and which become stronger as
time passes and the passions become chaste and subdued."
But there is a monstrosity that is known by the same name. The proper
name of this monster is lust. It imparts neither beauty nor life. It is
like the parasite plant which is not naturally rooted in the earth, but
entwines itself about the growing beauty of other plant-life, only to
suck out the life-currents from the stem which has lifted it out of the
dirt into the sunlight, in return for which its only charity is that it
spreads its stolen verdure over the death which it has itself created.
The question of the proper relation of husband and wife in marriage is a
difficult one. It is worthy of a volume. The various phases of the
subject which crowd upon our mind exceed the limits of a brief chapter.
We only regret that we are restricted by limitations beyond which we
cannot pass at this present time. Suffice it to say that there are three
principal theories with regard to the marital relation. Briefly stated
they are as follows:
The first theory assumes that unlimited sexual gratification is
essential to the comfort and well-being of the male, and that, whether
married or unmarried, he is to seek its gratification, whether lawfully
or unlawfully, wherever and whenever he can find an opportunity. It is
scarcely necessary to say that this theory is not worthy of the
consideration of fair-minded and decent people. It is contrary to the
laws of nature, to the laws of God, and to the laws of all civilized
nations. The theory is conceived and born of lust. It has been fathered
and fostered by the delusions of ignorant people. It is the child of
lust and the parent of sensuality. It is disproven by experience and is
condemned by the best medical authority in this country and throughout
the world. For a discussion of this subject and medical testimony we
must refer the reader to "What a Young Man Ought to Know," from page 56
to 67.
The second theory is that in married life the reproductive function is
not to be exercised except for the purpose of procreation. While this
theory is the opposite extreme of the first, yet it differs from the
first in that it has some very strong arguments in its favor. While the
results of our investigations do not enable us to assert that it is the
true theory, we are yet prepared to say that it is worthy of thoughtful
consideration. If it is possible for married people to maintain absolute
continence for a period of six months or a year, it must be conceded
that it would be possible to extend that time to a longer period. The
maintenance of this theory would require such a degree of self-denial
and self-control as is far beyond the possession of the great mass of
humanity. We fear, also, that there are but few, even if they entered
upon a life union with such thought and intention, who would be able to
maintain their principles for any considerable period.
The third theory, and that which many men and women who are eminent for
their learning and religious life hold to be the correct theory, is,
that while no one has a right to enter upon the marriage relation with
the fixed purpose of evading the duty of parenthood, yet that
procreation is not the only high and holy purpose which God has had in
view in establishing the marriage relation, but that the act of sexual
congress may be indulged in between husband and wife for the purpose of
expressing their mutual affection, augmenting their personal
endearments, and for quickening those affections and tender feelings
which are calculated to render home the place of blessing and good which
God intended.
It is held by those who advocate this theory that while it would be
possible to restrict the exercise of the reproductive functions to the
single purpose of procreation, yet in the great majority of instances
the effort to live by that theory would generally result in marital
unhappiness.
It cannot be successfully denied that the perpetuity of the race is the
great purpose which God has had in view in instituting marriage.
Procreation and the raising up of a family of children cannot under
ordinary circumstances be ignored or evaded without serious physical,
intellectual, moral and social results. But neither are mutual love,
affection, comfort, consolation and support to be ignored without
disastrous results. Due regard is not only to be paid to the perpetuity
of the race, but to the well-being and perpetuity of the individual. In
his book on the Ethics of Marriage Dr. H. F. Pomeroy says:
"Physiologically considered, there can be but one end in marriage--the
breeding and rearing of a family; but there are various means which
conduce to this end by preserving the mental and physical tone and
balance of husband and wife, and cultivating in them a union of regard
and affection, without which any mere outward union can be but a
travesty of marriage. How far it may be proper to exercise the secondary
object of marriage it is impossible to state in any general rule,
because individual cases vary so greatly; but it is safe to say that the
phase of marriage which is so closely allied to its primary object has
an important bearing on the health, happiness and harmony of husband and
wife, and so may properly be exercised by those who have a proper regard
for the primary end of marriage, even when its relation to this end be
but indirect, provided such exercise of it be kept within bounds of
mental and physical health."
Personally we are strongly inclined to the acceptance of this third
theory. But it must be granted that the acceptance of this theory is
attended with many considerations which have their serious perplexities.
Perhaps the most constant and most serious difficulty is the question
involved in the danger of too frequent conception. To regulate this
matter many persons resort to criminal methods, which are nothing short
of murder: many resort to expedients which are often unsatisfactory in
their result and also ruinous to the health or well-being of either the
husband or wife, or both, while others adopt less disastrous but equally
unsatisfactory and unreliable measures. Some of these methods are
criminal, others are injurious, still others uncertain, and all alike
unsatisfactory.
Desirable as it might be to enter upon a full discussion of the various
questions involved in the consideration of this phase of the subject,
yet because of the general prevalence of vicious living and impure
thinking we deem it best not to enter upon a discussion which might
effect more evil in some pure-minded persons, by suggestion, than it
could accomplish in the reforming of the evil practices of the vicious,
and we therefore pass this phase of the subject in silence.
The greatest happiness in married life can never be obtained except by
the observance of marital moderation. Just what is moderation in the
exercise of the reproductive function in married life it would be very
difficult to determine and define. What might be moderation for one man,
or for one woman, might be the most extravagant excess for another. The
husband may feel inclined to grant himself such indulgence as would
entitle him to be regarded as considerate and as within the bounds of
moderation when considered in relation to himself personally, and yet
the privileges which he grants himself might be most immoderate and most
ruinous for his wife; or in some instances the reverse might be the
case--indulgence which might be moderate for his wife might be most
excessive for him. No husband or wife can determine what is moderation
in their own personal instance until they have duly considered the
obligation which they are under to the other, and the effect of the
relation, not simply upon himself or herself, but upon the other as
well. The principle which must govern every husband or wife who desires
to be moderate in the marital relation, is, not to seek to grant
themselves the utmost indulgence which will enable them to abide within
the limits of individual safety only, but so persistently to exercise
the spirit of self-control and self-mastery, that they may attain to
those best results which are only possible to those who do not call the
reproductive function into exercise at too frequent intervals. No man or
woman who exercises the reproductive function upon the return of every
slight inclination can realize that greatest pleasure and satisfaction
which are always possible, but so seldom experienced. The wise husband
and the wise wife will not seek that utmost indulgence which brings them
to the limit of endurance, but will constantly desire to be governed by
such restraint and moderation as will secure for them the most blessed
results. To say nothing of morality, intelligence and culture have their
province in the exercise of the privileges which are possible to married
people. The reproductive sense, like the sense of hunger, or any other
sense, is to be brought under the dominion of intelligence and
refinement. In the government of our other senses there are laws which
no intelligent man will be willing to violate. He will not eat the first
food upon which he chances to come, simply because he is hungry. He
requires that it shall be of the proper kind, and properly prepared. The
worm will seize upon its food regardless of its character, and without
any reference to other considerations than that of satisfying its own
inclination. Wild beasts will contend over a bone, but man is lifted by
intelligence to a higher realm. His food must be of a proper kind, it
must be properly prepared, and is to be eaten at appointed intervals. He
will not eat that which belongs to another. He desires his food served
with proper regard to cleanliness and esthetic taste. He beautifies his
table, makes his eating the occasion of social fellowship, takes into
consideration the wants and needs of others. If we thus regulate the
appetite, why should we not, as intelligent beings, regulate the
exercise of the reproductive sense? Why should we yield, like animals,
to the first inclination? Why should we despoil ourselves or our
companion of the God-given sense of modesty? Why should we be willing
to indulge ourselves to such an extent as to injure the one individual
whom we love and prize above all others upon earth? Let reason,
refinement and the moral sense have their proper sway in the exercise of
the reproductive function and the sexual instinct, the same as in the
exercise of our other senses.
In a chapter entitled "Rules for Married Persons; or, Matrimonial
Chastity," Jeremy Taylor gives the following advice: "In their
permissions and license the husband and wife must be sure to observe the
order of nature and the ends of God. He is an ill husband that uses his
wife as a man treats a harlot, having no other end but pleasure.
Concerning which our best rule is that although in this, as in eating
and drinking, there is an appetite to be satisfied, which cannot be done
without pleasing that desire; yet, since that desire and satisfaction
were intended by nature for other ends, they should never be separated
from those ends, but always be joined with all or one of these ends:
with the desire for children; to avoid fornication; or to lighten and
ease the cares and sadness of household affairs; or to endear each
other; but never with a purpose, either in act or desire, to separate
the sensuality from these ends which hallow it."
It is well also to know what the women have to say upon this subject.
Mrs. E. B. Duffey, in her excellent little book, entitled "What Women
Should Know," says: "One is often led to wonder if a large class of men
are not simply brutes, in all that concerns the physical relations of
marriage. Women do not readily make confidential complaints to other
women against their husbands. So that when a word--an incomplete
sentence smothered before it is fully uttered--is spoken, it must be
wrung from the lips by extreme marital brutality. That many women so
suffer at the hands of husbands, brutal in this respect, though kind in
all others, does not admit of doubt. Disinclination, weariness, ill
health, none of these things will excuse a woman from participation in
the marital act when her husband's inclinations lead him to require it
of her. Strange that, while the law recognizes rape as a crime
punishable by severe penalties, there is no recognition whatever of a
married woman's right to a control over her own person. I do not know
that the most brutal conduct in this respect, if there was no other
reason for complaint, would be considered by the courts as a sufficient
cause for divorce. Yet any one can readily imagine that it is possible
for a man of strong sensual nature, who places no curb upon his
appetite, to render the life of the delicate, pure-minded woman,
intolerable to the last degree. As mutual affection is the heavenly bond
of marriage, so mutual pleasure should also sanction its earthly bond.
Love should be prepared to give as well as to receive--to be
self-denying when self-denial is required of it. I cannot believe that a
wife who sees her husband thus considerate will be unreasonable in her
refusal."
But the anxious and honest inquirer still asks, How often may I indulge
myself? No general answer can be given to this question. Due reference
must always be had to the individual who asks it, and wise counsel would
not be possible unless every consideration of the physical condition and
health of the wife were allowed their proper place in the solution of
the question. What might be moderation for one might be the most
destructive excess for another. Some men are strong, have great powers
of endurance, and do not know that they have a nerve in their body.
Others are very delicate, nervous and dyspeptic. Some physicians are
inclined to limit the relation to once a month; upon the other hand, all
who have given attention to this subject have learned of instances of
excess which do not fall at all short of conjugal debauchery. It might
be said that no man of average health, physical power and intellectual
acumen can exceed the bounds of once a week without at least being in
danger of having entered upon a life of excess both for himself and for
his wife.
Each young husband must determine for himself and his wife when they
have reached the limit of moderation, and their greatest happiness,
physically, intellectually and maritally, will be secured when they have
erred upon the side of moderation rather than upon the side of excess.
Do not wait until you have the pronounced effects of backache,
lassitude, giddiness, dimness of sight, noises in the ears, numbness of
fingers and paralysis. Note your own condition the next day very
carefully. If you observe a lack of normal, physical power, a loss of
intellectual quickness or mental grip, if you are sensitive and
irritable, if you are less kind and considerate of your wife, if you are
morose and less companionable, or in any way fall below your best
standard of excellence, it would be well for you to think seriously and
proceed cautiously.
Nor should your observation and study only have reference to yourself.
Note carefully the physical, mental and social condition of your wife
the day following. You are not only to be the conservator of your own
strength, but her protector as well. When you pass the limit of the
greatest safety, either for yourself or your wife, you are likely to
sacrifice both safety and happiness. Another says: "Even taking the low
and sordid ground of selfishly getting the most out of this life, it is
wise to abide by temperance and duty in the marital relation, for thus,
and only thus, may we derive the most possible satisfaction from it. We
may drink the nectar as we will; nature lets us hold the cup, but she
mixes it herself; if we drink too deeply she adds water, then gall, and
finally, it may be, deadly poison."
Sexual excess is one of the most destructive forms of intemperance,
degrading alike the body, mind and morals. We have heard of men who have
called the reproductive organs into very frequent exercise, but they
have always been men who were noted for nothing except their passion.
Everything they eat and drink seems devoted to the maintenance of their
sexual nature. They may have enjoyed intellectual advantages, and some
of them may even be enrolled as professional men, but every other
faculty is dwarfed and weakened that they may foster and fatten their
passions. They are eminent in nothing, save as samples of beastliness.
Why allow a single passion, the controlling organ of which lies at the
very bottom and lowest part of the brain, to usurp and control the
entire man, dominate over every other faculty, and render the physical,
intellectual and moral faculties and religious sentiments only
attendants and slaves!
No thoughtful or considerate husband can afford to disrespect the wishes
of his wife. He should reverently consider her inclination as well as
his own desire. Throughout the entire range of animal life the condition
and inclination of the female fixes and determines the approaches of her
mate. Woman is the only female whose condition is disregarded, whose
wishes are ignored, whose rights are trampled under foot, and sometimes
even denied any right over her own body. Where a woman is in health, and
is the loving, devoted wife which she should be, there is not much
danger that she will be too strict with the idol of her heart. And, save
in exceptional cases, there is but little danger that the wife will be
too lenient with her husband. If the wrongs which wives suffer because
of the unbridled passions of inconsiderate husbands were publicly known,
every virtuous and pure-minded man and woman would be inclined to take
up arms for the mitigation of woman's wrongs, and the liberation of this
great army of slaves who suffer in silence the servitude from which they
have no hope of deliverance except by death.
If you wish to attain your greatest usefulness in life, avoid the undue
use of foods which are calculated to stimulate the reproductive nature.
Use eggs and oysters, pepper and condiments with reasonable moderation.
Do not simulate impure thinking by theatre-going, the reading of
salacious books, participation in the round dance, the presence of nude
statuary and suggestive pictures; avoid such bodily exposure and
postures as mar the modesty of both man and woman; keep reasonable and
regular hours, and remember that all these things tend only to enervate
and exhaust your wife and to rob and wrong you of the best there is in
store for you.
Marital moderation is most easily secured and maintained where married
persons occupy separate beds; and, indeed, in many instances such
conditions exist as render separate rooms not only desirable, but
essential. Mrs. E. B. Duffey, a good and reliable authority on this and
related subjects, says: "If the husband cannot properly control his
amorous propensities they had better by all means occupy separate beds
and different apartments, with a lock on the communicating door, the
key in the wife's possession."
Dr. Dio Lewis, in his book entitled "Chastity," when writing of the
excesses which lead to estrangement in married life, says: "A very large
part of this wretchedness and perilous excess is the natural result of
our system of sleeping in the same bed. It is the most ingenious of all
possible devices to stimulate and inflame the carnal passion. No bed is
large enough for two persons. If brides only knew the great risk they
run of losing the most precious of all earthly possessions--the love of
their husbands--they would struggle as resolutely to secure extreme
temperance after marriage as they do to maintain complete abstinence
before the ceremony. The best means to this end is the separate bed."
Many persons recognize the injurious effects which result from two
persons sleeping in the same bed, but generally they fear that if they
were to occupy adjoining apartments, or even separate beds in the same
room, it might lead to local gossip or the suspicion of a lack of
harmony or affection. But without informing the patient of the purpose,
physicians oftentimes advise a period of absence, either for the husband
or for the wife, in order to secure the beneficial result which could be
had in their own homes if they would only consent to sleep apart.
Where either the husband or the wife suffers from excessive amative
propensities upon the part of the other, great benefit would be derived
from avoiding the sexual excitement which comes daily by the
twice-repeated exposure of undressing and dressing in each other's
presence, and being in close bodily contact for a period of one-third of
the hours of each day, for four months in a year, and for twenty years
to those who have lived together for a period of sixty years.
There are also the questions of adequate ventilation, the absorption of
the exhalations of each other's bodies, the weaker being injured by the
fact that the stronger is likely to absorb vital and nervous force, and
also the equalization of magnetic elements, which, when diverse in
quantity and quality, augment physical attraction and personal
affection. Where there is a disparity of physical condition, or a
considerable difference of age, or either person is suffering from the
effects of any disease which contaminates the atmosphere, separate beds,
and oftentimes separate apartments, are essential.
Physical culture is an important matter for consideration in connection
with the subject of moderation within the marriage relation. All forms
of outdoor recreation which are calculated to produce the best physical
condition--dumb-bells, Indian-clubs, exercises of various kinds,
frequent bathing, followed by vigorous rubbing of the external surface
of the body--are matters of great importance in this connection. If the
thought is permitted to centre upon the sexual relation the blood will
be diverted from the brain and the muscles, and the entire man will
suffer because of the depletion and drain which comes as an inevitable
result. Let the thought be turned to other considerations, and by
exercise send the blood into all parts of the body, and let the vigorous
rubbing after the bath produce a healthy glow, and contribute to good
health and to the attainment and maintenance of a well-rounded manhood.
Not only is physical culture essential for the husband, but it is
equally important for the wife, who is even more likely to underestimate
its value and neglect it altogether, unless she is encouraged to
physical effort and bodily exercise by the husband.
Remember that you and your wife owe it not only to yourselves in
securing present happiness, but owe it also to your children and to your
own future good that you shall possess the best physical results which
are possible to you; for what you are, that your children will become
after you. If they inherit either physical or mental weakness, the
parents who are to care for them will be compelled to pay for their own
sad mistakes in vigils and self-denials from which they could have
delivered themselves by timely forethought and sufficient care.
The proper mastery of your sexual nature will be worth all it costs. A
strong sexual nature is not a curse, but a blessing. God made no mistake
in making man what he is; but he never intended that the lower nature
should rule over the higher and better nature of man. The struggle is
worth all it costs, and the man who gains the mastery grows more manly,
more noble, while the man who is overcome becomes less manly, and if
lust be given the sway he becomes increasingly beastly.
If you gain and keep the mastery, the struggle will not be endless. With
that modified manhood which comes with the hush of the reproductive
nature at about middle life, there will come a growing peacefulness and
manly poise which will be marked by an increasing strength of
intellectual and moral power which will make possible to you in the
closing years of your life acquisitions and achievements which were
quite impossible in the earlier years.
CHAPTER VII.
DEFECTS AND DEFICIENCIES.
The approach to new relations and untried conditions often awakens in
the minds of the unmarried apprehensions which are entitled at least to
a brief consideration at this place.
Many young men who are looking forward to marriage spend months of
anxious forethought lest there should exist in them some physical
incapacity which might unfit them for the new relation into which they
are about to enter. Such fears, in the vast majority of cases, are
wholly groundless, and in the exceptional instances the insufficiency is
generally more seeming than real. Where the previous life has been
correct and virtuous there is not more than one case in a thousand where
any serious embarrassment may reasonably be expected to arise.
Because of a lack of nourishing food, the neglect of exercise and
physical culture, excessive overwork, dissipation and late hours, many
young men suffer from sexual weakness and become apprehensive of
impotence, and when they contemplate marriage resort to stimulants, or
the most foolish expedients, for regaining or testing their sexual
power. No more foolish or destructive course could be pursued. The
right thing to do is to inquire into the influences which have produced
the debility, remove the cause, resort to such indoor and out-of-door
exercises as will tend to the best development of the physical man,
restore health, increase the ordinary powers of endurance, and then the
apprehensions will all disappear.
Physical weakness and general debility, when emphasized by the nervous
strain of the ordinary marriage occasion and followed by the excitement
inseparable from the earliest marital relation, often result in
premature sexual loss and temporary departure of erectile power, and
beget apprehension, and even awaken fear.
But even where such instances do occur, they are usually only temporary.
Actual impotence during a period of manhood is very rare. Where there is
ground for just apprehension the young man should always consult an
intelligent and conscientious physician. If he suggests either
stimulants or association with dissolute women in order to test your
powers, in order to strengthen the reproductive system, accept this as a
sufficient evidence of his incompetency, and immorality as well, and
betake yourself to another physician. The world has passed on to that
period when a practitioner who is so ignorant as to give such dangerous
and destructive advice is unworthy of the confidence of the people upon
whose credulity and purses he preys, and also of the respect of decent
people, or a place among intelligent physicians.
Any young man who has several months remaining before marriage can
easily remove all groundless apprehensions by such a full observance of
the laws of health, due exercise in the open air, the use of dumb-bells,
Indian-clubs and home Exercisers as will develop his physical powers and
enable him to come to a just apprehension of his real condition.
Nor need a young man who has selected a bride in good health and in
appropriate physical proportions to himself feel any anxieties
concerning the deficiencies or deformities in her. Medical authorities
affirm that the obstacles to the consummation of marriage are far less
frequent in females than in males. The greatest barriers to a proper
entrance upon marriage upon the part of men are found in excessive
solitary and social vice, and especially in the results which attend and
follow venereal diseases, all of which exert a debilitating effect upon
the masculine function.
Where a young husband will carefully observe the suggestions made in a
later chapter concerning the treatment of his bride, especially from the
first day they are married, he will successfully pass any dangers, none
of which are likely to appear in the subsequent weeks or years. But
where these suggestions are ignored he may be guilty of doing such
violence to the sense of propriety of the bride, or so injure her
physically, as to make himself the heir of greatest unhappiness for the
remainder of his married life. His thought should not only be
concerning himself, but especially concerning the deliverance of his
bride from a life of invalidism and wretchedness. It seems to us that no
wrong which one might do in his ignorance could bring greater remorse
and regret than the knowledge of the fact that, without knowing it, he
had destroyed both the health and the happiness of one who otherwise
would have been a joy and blessing throughout his entire life.
In medical books designed for the profession much space is properly
given to the consideration of defects, deformities and monstrosities;
but in a book like this, designed to meet the needs of the ordinary
individual, such rare and exceptional instances need not be included.
Marked abnormal conditions are not often seen in the practice of an
ordinary physician, and it is therefore wrong to yield to the tendency
to arouse unnecessary apprehensions which can serve no useful purpose,
but which often do result in injury to the reader.
Where there exists sufficient evidence of any serious difficulty, or
physical incapacity, the young man should not fail to consult an
experienced physician of known honor and Christian integrity. Such a man
will not betray your confidence, and will be able to afford any
necessary relief, and to give judicious counsel and timely assistance.
Never, under any circumstances, apply to the quack, the shark or the
charlatan, whose only purpose will be to frighten and alarm in order
that they may the more successfully extort money from the uninformed,
in return for which they can expect nothing better than impoverishment
and humiliation, instead of wise counsel and skillful treatment.
But we must at this point speak of the kindred subject of the
apprehensions which expectant young husbands often feel with reference
to the qualification of the intended bride. As we have already said,
deformities and actual incapacity are less frequent among women than
among men. Women who know themselves to be suffering from falling of the
womb, or other serious womb trouble, should not contemplate marriage. By
becoming a wife a woman with serious womb trouble only aggravates her
condition, renders herself and her husband miserable--does the very
thing which will retard her recovery, and is even in danger of rendering
herself wholly incurable. Women who know themselves to be suffering from
such ills and ailments should always seek competent medical assistance,
cut their corset-strings, devote themselves faithfully to physical
culture, and defer their marriage until they have restored these parts
to a state of health.
Where either married or unmarried women suffer from female weakness they
are generally loath to seek competent medical relief. We have known of
married women who have suffered for many years the results of injuries
received during confinement who could easily have been not only
relieved, but permanently cured, had they applied to a competent
physician, disclosed their real condition, and submitted to intelligent
treatment.
The same is true of young, married people. Where any slight incapacity
or obstacle is found in their new relation they should promptly seek
some competent medical advisers, and not permit weeks to elapse, until,
on account of their neglect, that which could easily have been remedied
in the beginning has become the source of embarrassment, estrangement,
or, possibly, some permanent nervous affection. Where it is the wife who
needs medical attention, her modest nature may cause her to shrink from
examination or counsel, but when she remembers that medical specialists
are constantly consulted upon kindred subjects there should be no
hesitation in seeking their counsel and assistance. The utmost frankness
on the part of the patient should always enable the physician
intelligently to understand her condition, while that native female
modesty which is the attestation of her virtue will be both her
adornment and her defense.
With the increasing number of well-equipped doctors, intending brides in
increasing numbers are wisely seeking such counsel as will assure them
that there exists no impediment to the formation of a happy marriage.
Were this course universally followed it would remove much mental
anxiety, possible perplexity, and even marital infelicity. It would
disclose to those who have serious womb trouble their unfitness to
become wives and mothers, and thus enable the unfortunate ones to
escape the unhappiness and misery which marriage is sure to bring both
to them and to their husbands. It is always infinitely better to know
the facts before it is too late to escape the wretchedness which the
marital relation is sure to entail; and then, where no infirmities or
barriers exist, the knowledge of that fact will bring an assurance which
will be worth many times the embarrassment and expense involved. This is
the legitimate, reliable and proper way for every intending bride to
secure such information, and the only way to which a virtuous and
pure-minded woman could yield her consent.
CHAPTER VIII.
PURITY AND FIDELITY.
The happiness of the individual and of the family often depends upon the
influence and effects of very plain and everyday considerations, and in
closing Part First there are a few things which we desire to impress
upon the mind of the young husband which to some may seem unimportant,
but which, in fact, are very important, and your failure duly to observe
any one of which may result in your home, as it has in thousands of
others, in the blighting of happiness, in personal injury, in injustice
and wrong to wife and children, and even in the wrecking of the home
itself.
See to it that you have a pure breath. You have no right to defile your
body, or render your breath impure or offensive in any way, and
especially by the use of tobacco and liquor. You have no more right to
defile the air which your wife is to breathe than you have to defile the
water which she is to drink, or to sprinkle some disagreeable or
loathsome substance upon the food which she is to eat; and the magnitude
of this wrong would be increased in proportion to the extent to which it
adds to her discomfort or injures her health. To say the least, the use
of tobacco is a selfish habit, and if you desire to be just and equal,
you should be willing to apportion to your wife for some personal
gratification of her own an amount equal to the money which you daily or
annually expend upon yourself for the use of tobacco. The tobacco habit
is an expensive one. It not only costs an expenditure of a large amount
of money annually, but results almost universally in nervousness and
irritability. If you use tobacco in any form and will observe yourself
closely, noting the difference between the periods when you omit its use
and when, upon the other hand, you do not use it, you will be convinced
that it tends very perceptibly to render you sensitive, irritable and
uncompanionable. But this is not all. It so permeates your entire being
as seriously to affect the children which you beget and bring into the
world.
No man, we care not how indifferent he may be to the effect upon himself
or to the comfort of his wife, can be so insensible to the effect of his
own life in determining the character, happiness and destiny of his
children, as to be indifferent to the consideration of the results of
the use of tobacco upon his descendants. You may often have noticed that
men and women of good physique, and apparently enjoying the best of
health, become the parents of weak, nervous and sickly children. It
would be both unjust and untrue to assert that in every such instance
the result could be accurately traced to the use of tobacco, but the
evidence that tobacco is the real cause can be established in at least
_some_ instances. Many a child of inferior physical and intellectual
capacity has been defrauded of its larger endowment because the father
who begot it was addicted to the use of tobacco. If the teachings of the
most reliable medical authority upon this subject are to be accepted, it
would be possible to select from any community the finest physical and
intellectual specimens of men and women and let them both become
addicted to the use of tobacco, and then marry among themselves, and in
a single generation or two their descendants would fall far below the
physical and intellectual average of the children of other parents who
do not use the weed in any form.
The subject of intemperance we have fully treated in the preceding
volumes of this series, and we must refer the reader to them in that
place, especially the book addressed to young men. Liquor is not only a
curse to the individual who uses it, but it wrecks the health and
happiness of the wife and curses their yet unborn children. It not only
affects their morals, health and intelligence, but where the children
are not born imbeciles or idiots they often inherit the appetite for
drink and become depraved and drunken to the third and fourth
generation. The great minds which have shone in the intellectual
firmament of the past, or brighten and bless the present generation,
were not begotten of parents who were given to excess and dissipation.
Many a man whose descendants might have been lustrous and happy, owe
their enfeebled minds and blighted happiness to the indiscretion and
excess of the parents who brought them into the world. When God designed
to raise up a Samson he said to the mother: "Thou shalt conceive and
bear a son. Now, therefore, beware, I pray thee, and drink not wine, nor
strong drink, and eat not any unclean thing, for the child shall be a
Nazarite unto God from the womb, and he shall begin to deliver Israel
out of the hands of the Philistines." The same laws of heredity exist
to-day, and they cannot be ignored without imperiling the health and the
happiness of those who are to come after us.
If you love your wife or value your own happiness, let us urge upon you
the duty of fidelity. This is a duty that you owe to your wife in the
same proportion that she owes fidelity to you. God has made but one
standard of integrity and virtue, and this is enjoined alike upon men
and women. God says, "Thou shalt not commit adultery." He does not say
women shall not, or that men shall not. There is no discrimination
between men and women.
The word "thou" means the person who reads or hears--the person
addressed, whether male or female, young or old, king or peasant, high
or low, learned or unlearned, rich or poor, white or black, bond or
free. It is alike binding upon all, without abatement or modification,
regardless of sex, race, class or condition, and without reference to
time, place or circumstance.
What is true of this commandment is also true of them all. God has not
made one set of laws for men and another for women. Neither does He
excuse or condone in men what He condemns in women. He holds both alike
answerable to the same unerring standards of social and moral purity.
Whatever may be the attitude of those who entertain lax moral views,
society has no right to condone in man what it condemns in woman. What
is wrong for her is wrong for him, and infidelity or unfaithfulness is a
crime in either.
In addition to the moral wrong there is also the great physical risk.
The unmarried man who leads a life of vice, to some extent, at least,
only imperils himself; but the married man imperils his wife and his
children in addition. The most reputable physicians can bear ample
testimony to the frequency that women apply to them for relief from
aches and ills suffered by themselves and their children, the nature and
source of which these wives do not suspect, and the terrible and
ineradicable nature of which they are totally ignorant. Such is the
terrible punishment inflicted by guilty husbands and fathers upon their
innocent and unsuspecting wives and children. Hundreds of cases might be
named; but let us give a single illustration, narrated to us by one of
the most eminent physicians of this country, whose name and residence
are not essential, as somewhat similar instances come frequently to the
attention of physicians.
A young man of a wealthy family, who had been a couple of times treated
for gonorrhA"a, married a beautiful bride in a prominent and wealthy
family. A couple of weeks after his marriage he came to the physician
with one of those small sores called a chancre, which is the
unmistakable evidence of the presence of syphilis. Careful investigation
disclosed the fact that at the time of his marriage he had a concealed
chancre, and which, although unknown to himself, had nevertheless been
communicated to his bride. The treatment was prompt and of the most
skillful character, but serious results were speedily manifest. The
primary sore was followed by its secondary results. Sores appeared upon
the different parts of her body, the mucous membrane was affected, and
every hair upon the entire person of the wife fell out. She did not have
left so much as eyebrows, eyelashes, or even hairs in her nose, and, as
in some instances after a serious attack of typhoid fever, months were
necessary before the hair started again to grow. When it did grow it
returned coarse and wiry, and when about an inch or inch-and-a-half long
it very much resembled goat's hair. It could not be combed--nothing
could be done with it. She looked like a fright--was an astonishment to
her friends and an embarrassment to herself.
With no knowledge of the terrible nature of her disease, it was
difficult to induce her to persist through months for a period of at
least two years in taking her medicines. At intervals during the years
that followed she gave premature birth to children, which, whether born
dead, or living for a day or two, were masses of disease and
corruption. After four or five of such miscarriages she finally gave
birth to a child that at the time of its coming into the world seemed
healthy. Not long after the birth of this child the family removed from
the community, and the physician was unable to note the effects of the
inheritance which no child under such circumstances could possibly
escape.
While this case was impressive, it was by no means exceptional. We have
learned of instances where persons of unbounded wealth have communicated
the syphilis to their wives, and all the skill which wealth could
command has not been able to eradicate the disease or deliver the
unhappy sufferers from the consequences of the criminal unfaithfulness
of the guilty husband.
But there are consequences less manifest to the eye, but no less deadly
and destructive in effect, which come to the innocent and unoffending
wife as the result of the vice and unfaithfulness of her husband. One of
the most eminent physicians of Philadelphia, in conversation with the
author, assured us that the effects of gonorrhA"a, or clap, which are
suffered by the wives is something alarming. Even where the husband has
not communicated the disease while it was active in himself, but where
the intending husband may have supposed that he was entirely cured of
gonorrhA"a for a period of two years or more, he may yet communicate the
lurking remnants of that disease to the vagina, the effects soon
extending up into the womb, out through the Fallopian tubes,
oftentimes reaching the ovaries and necessitating their removal, making
it necessary to unsex the woman in order to save her from the
wretchedness and misery which are inseparable from the death which they
so often preface.
An eminent practitioner in New York, when addressing the last annual
convention of the State Medical Society, called special attention to the
prevalent effects which wives suffer as the result of gonorrhA"a
contracted by their husbands, and said that a few years ago it was his
custom, when women with certain symptoms came to him for consultation,
to request a private interview with the husbands in order that he might
discover whether past unfaithfulness since marriage or a life of vice
prior to marriage was not the cause of the trouble. He said that
latterly, however, the best medical authorities were agreed that it was
not necessary to subject the husband to this trying inquisition, for the
symptoms and conditions which established the correctness of the
diagnosis were a sufficient proof of the source of all the wife's
troubles. Thousands of husbands who bemoan the fact that their wives are
complete physical wrecks are themselves the authors of the ruin which
has been wrought.
Nor is this all; fathers have often carried the disease home, and by the
use of towels have communicated the virus of the disease to the eyes of
their children or some member of the family, from which total blindness
has come as the inevitable result. We learned of one instance in which
the father communicated the disease to his entire family, including
several small children, who took their bath in the same tub, but in
different water, after the father had bathed.
For a fuller unfolding of the awful consequences of the diseases which
accompany vice we must refer the reader to the book "What a Young Man
Ought to Know," from page 93 to 153. All that has there been said in
favor of a chaste and pure life can be enjoined with even greater
emphasis on those who are married.
But what if a guilty husband and father could escape the dangers of
disease, the detection by his wife, and could even escape the lashings
of his own guilty conscience, which will smite with sevenfold force as
the years advance, yet how terrible for him to remember that
transmission is the law of heredity, and that a licentious father is the
legitimate predecessor of a vicious child. Is it comforting for a father
to anticipate with certainty that all the vices which have corrupted his
life, blighted his home and debased his moral nature are to be
transmitted to his offspring? How shall he, in the after years, when his
own children go wrong, be comforted with the thought that what they are
he was, and that what he desires them to be is what he himself should
have been. Julia, the daughter of Augustus, was as bad as her father,
and gave birth to a child of equally strong propensities. These are the
influences which have not only destroyed the happiness of homes, but
have wrecked the destinies of nations. By the love you bear your wife,
by the love which you have for your children which are and which are to
be, by the respect which you have for yourself and the fear that you
should have for your God, by all that is sacred in marriage and in home,
by all that is desired in this world and in the world to come, we plead
with you, for your present, future and eternal good, that you maintain
your marriage vow inviolate.
PART II
CONCERNING HIS WIFE