"You may rest assured, Signor Magnus, that I will not permit myself to
utter a single word in regard to Signorina Maria. You know that I am
not a hero. But I should think it permissible to ask of you: how am I
to reconcile your present remarks with your former _contempt_ for man?
I recollect that you spoke seriously of gallows and prisons."
Magnus laughed loudly:
"And do you remember what you said about your _love_ for man? Ah,
my dear Wondergood: I would be a bad warrior and politician if my
education did not embrace the art of lying a little. We were both
playing, that's all!"
"You played better," I admitted quite gloomily.
"And you played very badly, my friend,--do not be offended. But what
am I to do when there suddenly appears before me a gentleman all
loaded with gold like...."
"Like an ass. Continue."
"And begins to reveal to me his love for humanity, while his
confidence in his success is equal only to the quantity of the dollars
in his pocket? The main fault of your play, Mr. Wondergood, is that
you are too eager for success and seek immediate results. This makes
the spectator cold and less credulous. To be sure, I really did not
think you were merely acting--the worst play is better than sincere
assininity--and I must again crave your pardon: you seemed to me just
one of those foolish Yankees who really take their own bombastic and
contemptible tirades seriously and...you understand?"
"Quite fully. I beg you to continue."
"Only one phrase of yours,--something about war and revolution
purchasable with your billions--seemed to me to possess a modicum
of interest, but the rest of the drivel proved that that, too,
was a mere slip of the tongue, an accidental excerpt of some one
else's text. Your newspaper triumphs, your flippancy in serious
matters--remember Cardinal X!--your cheap philanthropy are of a quite
different tone.... No, Mr. Wondergood, you are not fit for serious
drama! And your prattling to-day, despite its cynicism, made a better
impression than your flamboyant circus pathos. I say frankly: were it
not for _Maria_ I would gladly have had a good laugh at your expense,
and, without the slightest compunction would have raised the farewell
cup!"
"Just one correction, Magnus: I earnestly desired that you should take
part...."
"In what? In your play? Yes, your play lacked the _creative factor_
and you earnestly desired to saddle me with your poverty of spirit.
Just as you hire your artists to paint and decorate your palaces so
you wanted to hire my will and my imagination, my power and my love!"
"But your hatred for man...."
Up to this point Magnus had maintained his tone of irony and subtle
ridicule: my remark, however, seemed to change him entirely. He grew
pale, his white hands moved convulsively over his body as if they
were searching for a weapon, and his face became threatening and even
horrible. As if fearing the power of his own voice, he lowered it
almost to a whisper; as if fearing that his words would break their
leash and run off at a wild pace, he tried desperately to hold them in
check and in order.
"Hatred? Be silent, sir. Or have you no conscience at all or any
common sense? My contempt! My hatred! They were my reply, not to
your theatrical _love_, but to your sincere and dead indifference.
You were insulting _me_ as a human being by your indifference: You
were insulting life by your indifference. It was in your voice, it
gleamed savagely out of your eyes, and more than once was I seized by
terror...terror, sir!--when I pierced deeper the mysterious emptiness
of your pupils. If your past has no dark pages, which, as you say, you
merely added for the sake of style, then there is something worse than
that in it: there are _white_ pages in it. And I cannot read them!..."
"Oh, oh!"
"When I look at your eternal cigar, and see your self-satisfied but
handsome and energetic face; when I view your unassuming manner, in
which the simplicity of the grog shop is elevated to the heights of
Puritanism, I fully understand your naïve game. But I need only meet
the pupil of your eye...or its _white_ rim and I am immediately
hurled into a void, I am seized with alarm and I no longer see either
your cigar or your gold teeth and I am ready to exclaim: who are you
that you dare to bear yourself with such indifference?"
The situation was becoming interesting. _Madonna_ loves Me and this
creature is about ready to utter my Name at any moment! Is he the son
of my Father? How could he unravel the great mystery of my boundless
indifference: I tried so carefully to conceal it, even from you!
"Here! here!" shouted Magnus, in great excitement, "again there are
two little tears in your eyes, as I have noticed before. They are a
_lie_, Wondergood! There is no source of tears behind them. They have
fallen from somewhere above, from the clouds, like dew. Rather laugh:
behind your laughter I see merely a bad man, but behind your tears
there are _white_ pages, white pages!... or has Maria read them?"
Without taking his eyes off me, as if fearing that I might run away,
Magnus paced the room, finally seating himself opposite Me. His face
grew dim and his voice seemed tired, when he said:
"But it seems to me that I am exciting myself in vain...."
"Do not forget, Magnus, that to-day I myself spoke to you of
indifference."
He waved his hand wearily and carelessly.
"Yes, you did speak. But there is something else involved here,
Wondergood. There is nothing insulting in the indifference, but in
the other...I sensed it immediately upon your appearance with your
billions. I do not know whether you will understand what I mean, but
I immediately felt like shouting of hatred and to demand gallows and
blood. The gallows is a gloomy thing but the curious jostling about
the gallows, Mr. Wondergood, are quite unbearable! I do not know
what they think of our game here in the 'place' you come from, but
we pay for it with our lives, and when there suddenly appears before
us some curious gentleman in a top hat, cigar in mouth, one feels,
you understand, like seizing him by the back of his neck and...he
never stays to the end of the performance, anyway. Have you, too, Mr.
Wondergood, dropped in on us for a brief visit?"
With what a long sigh I uttered the name of _Maria_!... And I no
longer played, I no longer lied, when I replied to this gloomy man:
"Yes, I have dropped in on you for a brief visit, Signor Magnus.
You have guessed right. For certain very valid reasons I can reveal
nothing to you of the _white_ pages of my life, the existence of
which behind my leather binding you have likewise guessed. But on one
of them was written: _death-departure_. That was not a top hat in
the hands of the curious visitor, but a revolver...you understand: I
look on as long as it is interesting and after that I make my bow and
depart. Let me put it clearer and simpler, out of deference to your
realism: in a few days, perhaps to-morrow, I depart for the other
world.... No, that is not clear enough: in a few days or to-morrow I
shall shoot myself, kill myself with a revolver. I at first planned
to aim at my heart but have decided that the brain would be more
reliable. I have planned all this long ago, at the very beginning...of
my appearance before you, and was it not in this _readiness_ of mine
to depart that you have detected 'inhuman' indifference? Isn't it true
that when one eye is directed upon the _other_ world, it is hardly
possible to maintain any particularly bright flame in the eye directed
upon _this_ world?... I refer to the kind of flame I see in your eyes.
O! you have wonderful eyes, Signor Magnus."
Magnus remained silent for a few moments and then said:
"And Maria?"
"Permit me to reply. I prize Signorina Maria too highly not to regard
her _love_ for me as a fatal mistake."
"But you wanted that love?"
"It is very difficult for me to answer that question. At first,
perhaps--when I indulged in dreams for a while--but the more I
perceived this fatal resemblance...."
"That is mere resemblance," Magnus hastened to assure me: "But you
mustn't be a child, Wondergood! Maria's soul is lofty and beautiful,
but she is human, made of flesh and bone. She probably has her own
little sins, too...."
"And how about my top hat, Magnus? How about my _free_ departure?
I need only buy a seat to gaze upon Maria and her fatal
resemblance--admitting that it is only resemblance!--but how must I
pay for _love_?"
Magnus said sternly:
"Only with your life."
"You see: only with my life! How, then, did you expect me to desire
such love?"
"But you have miscalculated: she already loves you."
"Oh, if the Signorina Maria really loves me then my _death_ can be no
obstacle: however, I do not make myself clear. I wanted to say that my
departure...no, I had better say nothing. In short, Signor Magnus:
would you agree to have me place my billions at your disposal _now_?"
He looked at me quickly:
"Now?"
"Yes, now, when we are no longer playing: I at love and you at hatred.
Now, when I am about to disappear entirely, taking with me the
'sediment' of a gentlemen? Let me make it quite clear: would you like
to be my heir?"
Magnus frowned and looked at me in anger: apparently he took my words
for ridicule. But I was calm and serious. It seemed to me that his
large, white hands were trembling slightly. He turned away for a
moment and then, whirling about quickly, he shouted loudly:
"No! Again you want.... No!"
He stamped his foot and cried once more: "No!" His hands were
trembling. His breathing was heavy and irregular. There followed a
long silence, the wailing of the tempest, the whistling and murmur
of the wind. And again, great calm, great, dead, all embracing peace
descended upon me. Everything was turned _within_ Me. I still could
hear the earthly demons of the storm, but _their_ voices sounded far
away and dull. I saw before me a _man_ and he was strange and cold to
me, like a stone statue. One after another there floated by me all
the days of my human existence. There was the gleam of faces, the
weak sound of voices and curious laughter. And then, again all was
silent. I turned my gaze to the other side--and there I was met by
dumbness. It was as if I were immured between two dumb, stone walls:
behind one was _their_ human life, which I had abandoned, and behind
the other, in silence and in darkness, stretched forth the world of
eternal and real being. Its silence was resounding, its darkness was
gleaming, eternal, joyous life beat constantly like breakers, upon the
hard rocks of the impenetrable wall. But deaf was my consciousness and
silent my thought. From beneath the weak legs of Thought there came
_Memory_--and it hung suspended in the void, immovable, paralyzed for
the moment. _What_ did I leave behind the wall of my Unconsciousness?
Thought made no reply. It was motionless, empty and silent. Two
silences surrounded Me, two darknesses enveloped me. Two walls were
burying me, and behind one, in the pale movement of shadows, passed
their human life, while behind the other,--in silence and in darkness
stretched forth the world of my real, eternal being. Whence shall I
hear The Call? Whither can I take a step?
And at that moment I suddenly heard the voice of a man, strange and
distant. It grew closer and closer, there was a gentle ring in it. It
was Magnus speaking. With great effort and concentration, I tried to
catch the words and this was what I heard:
"And wouldn't you rather continue living, Wondergood?"
March 18.
Rome, Palazzo Orsini.
It is three days now that Magnus and Maria are living in my palazzo in
Rome. It is empty and silent and really seems huge. Last night, worn
by insomnia, I wandered about its halls and stairways, over rooms I
had never seen before and their number astonished me. Maria's _soul_
has expelled from it all that was frivolous and impure and only the
saintly Toppi moves through its emptiness, like the pendulum of a
church clock. Ah, how saintly he looks. If not for his broad back, the
broad folds of his coat, and the odor of fur in his head, I myself
would take him for one of the saints who have honored me with their
acquaintance.
I rarely see my guests. I am turning my entire estate into cash and
Magnus and Toppi and all the secretaries are busy with this work from
morning to night; our telegraph is constantly buzzing. Magnus has
little to say to me. He only talks business. Maria...it seems as
if I were avoiding her. I can see her through my window walking in
the garden, and this is quite enough for me, for her _soul_ is here
and every atom of the air is filled with her breath. And, as I have
already remarked, I suffer with insomnia.
As you see, my friend, I have remained among the _living_, a dead hand
could not possibly write even the dead words I am not setting down.
Let us forget the past, as sweethearts would who have just settled
their differences. Let us be friends, you and I. Give me your hand, my
friend! I vow by eternal salvation that never again will I chase you
hence or laugh at you: if I have lost the wisdom of the snake I have
acquired the gentleness of the dove. I am rather sorry that I have
driven away my painters and my interviewers: I have no one to inquire
whom I _resemble_ with my radiant countenance? I personally feel that
I remind one of a powdered darkey, who is afraid to rub the powder off
with his sleeve and thus reveal his black skin...ah, I still have a
black skin!
Yes, I have remained _alive_ but I know not yet how far I shall
succeed in keeping up this state: have you any idea how hard are
the transitions from a nomad to a settled life? I was a redskin, a
carefree nomad, who folds up and casts off all that is human, as he
would a tent. Now I am laying a granite foundation for an earthly
home and I, having little faith, am cold and trembling. Will it be
warm when the white snow covers my new home? What do you think, my
friend, is the best heating system?
I promised Thomas Magnus that night that I would not kill myself.
We sealed this agreement with a warm handshake. We did not open our
veins nor seal the pact with our blood. We simply said "yes" and that
was quite sufficient: as you know only human beings break agreements.
Devils always keep them.... You need only recall your horny, hairy
heroes and their Spartan honesty. Fortunately (let us call it
'fortunate') we had set no...date. I swear by eternal salvation,
I would be a poor king and ruler if, when building a palace, I did
not leave for myself a secret exit, a little door, a modest loophole
through which wise kings disappear when their foolish subjects rise
and break into Versailles.
I will not kill myself to-morrow. Perhaps I shall wait quite a while.
I will not kill myself: of the two walls I have chosen the lower one
and I am quite human now, even as you my friend. My earthly experiment
is not very thrilling as yet, but who knows?--this human life may
unexpectedly grow quite attractive! Has not Toppi lived to grow gray
and to a peaceful end? Why should not I, traversing all the ages of
man, like the seasons of the year, grow to be a gray old sage, a wise
guide and teacher, the bearer of the covenant and arterio sclerosis?
Ah, this ridiculous sclerosis, these ills of old age--it is only now
that they begin to seem terrible to Me, but, can I not get used to
them and even grow to love them? Every one says it is easy to get used
to life. Well, I, too, will try to get used to it. Everything here is
so well ordered that after rain comes sunshine and dries him who is
wet, if he has not been in too great a hurry to die. Everything here
is so well ordered that there is not a single disease for which there
is no cure. This is so good! One may be ill all the time, provided
there is a drug store nearby!
At any rate, I have my little door, my secret exit, my narrow, wet,
dark corridor, beyond which are the stars and all the breadth of my
illimitable space! My friend, I want to be frank with you: there is
a certain characteristic of insubordination in me, and it is that I
fear. What is a cough or a catarrh of the stomach? But it is possible
that I may suddenly refuse to cough, for no reason at all, or for some
trivial cause, and run off! I like you at this moment. I am quite
ready to conclude a long and fast alliance with you, but _something_
may suddenly gleam across your dear face which...no, it is quite
impossible to do without a little secret door for him who is so
capricious and insubordinate! Unfortunately, I am proud, too,--an old
and well known vice of Satan! Like a fish struck in the head, I am
dazed by my human existence. A fatal unconsciousness is driving me
into your life, but of one thing I am quite certain: I am of the race
of the _free_. I am of the tribe of the _rulers_. I come from those
who transform their will into laws. Conquered kings are taken into
captivity but conquered kings never become slaves. And when I shall
perceive, above my head, the whip of a dirty guard and my fettered
hands are helpless to avert the blow...well: shall I remain living
with welts upon my back? Shall I bargain with my judges about another
blow of the whip? Shall I kiss the hand of the executioner? Or shall I
send to the druggist for an eye lotion?
No, let not Magnus misjudge me for a little slip in our agreement: I
will live only as long as I want to live. All the blessings of the
human existence, which he offered me on that night, when Satan was
tempted by man, will not strike the weapon from my hand: in it alone
is the assurance of my liberty! Oh, man, what are all your kingdoms
and dukedoms, your knowledge and your nobility, your gold and your
freedom beside this little, free movement of the finger which, in a
moment carries you up to the Throne of Thrones!...
_Maria!_
Yes, I am afraid of her. The look in her eye is so clear and
commanding, the light of her love is so mighty, enchanting and
beautiful that I am all atremble and everything in me is quivering
and urging me to immediate flight. With hitherto unknown happiness,
with veiled promises, with singing dreams she tempts Me! Shall I cry:
Away!--or shall I bend mine to her will and follow her?
Where? I do not know. Or are there other worlds beside those I know or
have forgotten? Whence comes this motionless light behind my back? It
is growing ever broader and brighter. Its warm touch heats my soul, so
that its Polar ice crumbles and melts. But I am afraid to look back.
I may see Sodom on fire and if I look I may turn into stone. Or is it
a new Sun, which I have not yet seen upon this earth that is rising
behind my back, and I, like a fool, am fleeing from it and baring my
back instead of my breast to it, the low, dumb neck of a frightened
animal, instead of my lofty brow?
Maria! Will you give me my revolver? I paid ten dollars for it,
together with the holster. To you I will not give it for a kingdom!
Only do not look at Me, oh, Queen...otherwise, otherwise I will give
you everything: the revolver and the holster and Satan himself!
March 26.
Rome, Palazzo Orsini.
It is the fifth night that I do not sleep. When the last light is
turned out in my silent palazzo, I quietly descend the stairs, quietly
order a machine--somehow or other even the noise of my own steps and
voice disturb me, and I go for the night into the Campagna. There,
leaving the automobile on the road, I wander about until day-break
or sit immovable upon some dark ruins. I cannot be seen at all and
the rare passersby, perhaps some peasants from Albano, converse quite
loudly and without restraint. I like to remain unseen. It reminds me
of something I have forgotten.
Once, as I sat down on a stone, I disturbed a lizzard. It may have
been that it lightly moved the grass beneath my feet and disappeared.
Perhaps it was a snake? I do not know. But I wanted desperately to
become a lizzard or a snake, concealed beneath a stone: I am troubled
by my large stature, by the size of my feet and arms: They make it
very difficult to become invisible. I likewise refrain from looking
at my face in the mirror: it is painful to think I have a face, which
all can see. Why did I fear darkness so much at the beginning? It is
so easy to conceal oneself in it. Apparently all animals experience
such subtle shame, fear and worriment and seek seclusion when they are
changing their skin or hide.
So, I am changing my skin? Ah, it is the same, worthless prattle! The
whole trouble is that I have failed to escape _Maria's_ gaze and am,
apparently preparing to close the last door, the door I guarded so
well. But I am ashamed! I swear by eternal salvation, I feel ashamed,
like a girl before the altar. I am almost blushing. Blushing Satan...no,
quiet, quiet: _he_ is not here! Quiet!...
Magnus told her everything. She did not reiterate that she loves Me
but looked at me and said:
"Promise _me_, you will not kill yourself."
The _rest_ was in her gaze. You remember how bright it is? But do not
think that I hastily agreed. Like a salamander in the fire, I quickly
changed colors. I shall not repeat to you all the flaming phrases I
uttered: I have forgotten them. But you remember how bright and serene
Maria's gaze is? I kissed her hand and said humbly:
"Madam! I do not ask you for forty days and a desert for contemplation:
the desert I will find myself and a week is quite enough for me to
think the matter over. But do give me a week and...please, don't look
at me any more...otherwise...."
No, that wasn't what I said. I said it in other words, but it's all
the same. I am now changing my skin. It hurts me. I am frightened and
ashamed because any crow might see me and come to pick my flesh. What
use is there in the fact that there is a revolver in my pocket? It is
only when you learn to hit yourself that you can hit a crow: crows
know that and consequently do not fear tragically bulging pockets.
Having become human and descended from above I have become but half a
man. I entered upon this human existence as if into a strange element,
but I have not lost myself in it entirely: I still cling with one hand
to my Heaven and my eyes are still above the surface. But she commands
me to accept man in his entirety: only he is a _man_ who has said:
never shall I kill myself, never shall I leave life of my own free
will. And what about the whip? These cursed cuts upon my back? Pride?
Oh, Maria, Maria, how terribly you tempt Me!
I look into the past of this earth and serious myriads of tragic
shadows floating slowly over climes and ages! Their hands stretch
hopelessly into space, their bony ribs tear through the lean, thin
skin, their eyes are filled with tears, and their sighs have dried
up their throats. I see blood and madness, violence and falsehood, I
hear their oaths, which they constantly betray, their prayers to God,
in which, with every word of mercy and forgiveness, they curse their
own earth. Wherever I look, I see the earth smoking in convulsion; no
matter in which direction I strain my ear, I hear everywhere unceasing
moans: or is the womb of the earth itself filled with moaning? I see a
myriad cups about me, but no matter which of them my lips may touch, I
find it filled with rust and vinegar: or has man no other drink? And
this is _man_?
I knew _them_ before. I have seen _them_ before. But I looked upon
them as Augustus did from his box upon the galaxy of his victims: Ave,
Cæsar! These who are about to die salute you. And I looked upon them
with the eyes of an eagle and my wise, belaureled head did not disdain
to take notice of their groaning cries even with so much as a nod:
they came and disappeared, they marched on in endless procession--and
endless was the indifference of my Cæsar-like gaze. And now...is it
really I who walks on so hastily, playing with the sand of the arena?
And am I this dirty, emaciated, hungry slave who lifts his convict
face into the air, yelling hoarsely into the indifferent eyes of Fate:
"Ave, Cæsar! Ave, Cæsar!"
I feel a sharp whip upon my back and with a cry of pain I fall to
the ground. Is it some _Master_ who is beating me? No, it is another
_slave_, who has been ordered to whip a _slave_: very soon his knout
will be in my hand and his back will be covered with blood and he will
be chewing the sand, the sand which now grates between my teeth.
Oh, Maria, Maria, how terribly you tempt Me!