pondering over a memorandum book of items used before--book of
scrawling head notes, rather; items taking days to gather them in hot
and sultry weather, using up much time and leather, pondered we those
times o'er. While we conned them, slowly rocking (through our mind
queer ideas flocking) came a quick and nervous knocking--knocking at
our sanctum door. "Sure, that must be Jinks," we muttered--"Jinks
that's knocking at our door; Jinks, the everlasting bore." Ah, well
do we remind us, in the walls which then confined us, the "exchanges,"
lay behind us, and before us, and around us, all scattered o'er the
floor. Thought we, "Jinks wants to borrow some papers till to-morrow,
and 'twill be relief from sorrow to get rid of Jinks the bore, by
opening wide the door." Still the visitor kept knocking--knocking
louder than before. And the scattered piles of papers, cut some rather
curious capers, being lifted by the breezes coming through another
door; and we wished (the wish was evil, for one deemed always civil)
that Jinks was to the d----l, to stay there evermore; there to find
his level--Jinks the nerve-unstringing bore. Bracing up our patience
firmer, then, without another murmur, "Mr. Jinks," said we, "your
pardon, your forgiveness we implore. But the fact is, we were reading
of some curious proceeding, and thus it was, unheeding your loud
knocking there before." Here we opened wide the door. But phancy now
our pheelins--for it wasn't Jinks the bore--Jinks, nameless, evermore!
But the form that stood before us, caused a trembling to come o'er
us, and memory quickly bore us back again to days of yore--days when
items were in plenty, and where'er this writer went he picked up
interesting items by the score. 'Twas the form of our "devil," in an
attitude uncivil; and he thrust his head within the open door, with
"The foreman's _out o' copy_, sir--he says he wants some more!" Yes,
like Alexander, wanted "more." Now this "local" had already walked
about till nearly dead--he had sauntered through the city till his
feet were very sore--and walked through the street called Market, and
the byways running off into the portions of the city, both public
and obscure; had examined store and cellar, and had questioned every
"feller" whom he met from door to door, if anything was stirring--any
accident occurring--not published heretofore--and he had met with
no success; he would rather guess he felt a little wicked at that
ugly little bore, with the message from the foreman that he wanted
"something more." "Now, it's time you were departing, you scamp!"
cried we, upstarting. "Get you back into your office--office where you
were before--or the words that you have spoken will get your bones all
broken;" (and we seized a cudgel, oaken--that was lying on the floor);
"take your hands out of your pockets, and leave the sanctum door; tell
the foreman there's no copy, you ugly little bore." Quoth the devil,
"send him more." And our devil, never sitting, still is flitting,
still is flitting, back and forth upon the landing, just outside the
sanctum door. Tears adown his cheeks are streaming--strange light from
his eye is beaming--and his voice is heard, still crying, "Sir, the
foreman wants some more." And our soul pierced with the screaming, is
awakened from its dreaming, and has lost the peaceful feeling; for
the fancy will come o'er us, that each reader's face before us, hears
the horrid words--"We want a little more!"--Words on their foreheads
glaring, "Your 'funny' column needs a little more!"
POPPING CORN.--616.
And there they sat a-popping corn,
John Stiles and Susan Cutter;
John Stiles as stout as any ox,
And Susan fat as butter.
And there they sat and shelled the corn,
And raked and stirred the fire,
And talked of different kinds of ears,
And hitched their chairs up nigher.
Then Susan she the popper shook,
Then John he shook the popper,
Till both their faces grew as red
As saucepans made of copper.
And then they shelled and popped and ate,
And kinks of fun a-poking,
And he haw-hawed at her remarks,
And she laughed at his joking.
And still they popped, and still they ate
(John's mouth was like a hopper),
And stirred the fire and sparkled salt,
And shook and shook the popper.
The clock struck nine, the clock struck ten,
And still the corn kept popping:
It struck eleven, and then struck twelve,
And still no signs of stopping.
And John he ate, and Sue she thought--
The corn did pop and patter,
Till John cried out: "The corn's a fire!
Why, Susan, what's the matter?"
Said she, "John Stiles, it's one o'clock;
You'll die of indigestion;
I'm sick of all this popping corn,
Why don't you Pop the Question?"
POWERFUL SERMON.--617.
Judge ---- had noticed for some time that on Monday morning his
Jamaica was considerably lighter than he had left it on Saturday
night. Another fact had established itself in his mind. His son Sam
was missing from the parental pew on Sundays. On Sunday afternoon, Sam
came in and went up stairs very heavy, when the judge put the question
to him: "Sam, where have you been?" "To church, sir," was the prompt
reply.--"What church, Sam?" "Second Methodist, sir."--"Had a good
sermon, Sam?" "Very powerful, sir; it quite staggered me."--"Ah! I
see," said the Judge, "quite powerful!" The next Sunday the son came
home rather earlier than usual, and apparently not so much under the
weather. His father hailed him with, "Well, Sam, been to the Second
Methodist again to-day?" "Yes, sir."--"Good sermon, my boy?" "Fact
was, father, that I couldn't get in; the church was shut up, and a
ticket on the door."--"Sorry, Sam; keep going, you may get good by it
yet." Sam says that on going to the office for his usual refreshment,
he found the "John" empty, and bearing the following label:--"There
will be no service here to-day; the church is temporarily closed."
HUGGING.--618.
An editor in Iowa has been fined two hundred dollars for hugging a
girl in church.--_Early Argus._ Cheap enough! We once hugged a girl
in church some ten years ago, and it has cost a thousand a year ever
since.--_Chicago Young American._
TART.--619.
Mr. Mewins was courting a young lady of some attractions, and
something of a fortune into the bargain. After a liberal arrangement
had been made for the young lady by her father, Mr. Mewins, having
taken a particular fancy to a little brown mare, demanded that it
should be thrown into the bargain; and, upon a positive refusal, the
match was broken off. After a couple of years the parties accidentally
met at a country ball. Mr. Mewins was quite willing to renew the
engagement. The lady appeared not to have the slightest recollection
of him. "Surely you have not forgotten me," said he.--"What name,
sir?" she inquired. "Mewins," he replied; "I had the honour of paying
my addresses to you, about two years ago." "I remember a person of
that name," she rejoined, "who paid his attentions to my father's
brown mare."
WHO FIDDLED.--620.
In the Pennsylvania Legislature, two years ago, there was a member
named Charlie Wilson, from one of the Northern frontier counties,
who considered himself among the great orators of the day, and, when
pretty well filled with "Harrisburg water," would get off for the
edification of his colleagues some very rich illustrations. Being
somewhat interested in a bill before the House, he made what he
considered one of his master-speeches, during the delivery of which he
used the illustration of "Nero fiddling while Rome was burning." He
had scarcely taken his seat when a member tapped him on the shoulder,
and said: "Say, Charlie, it wasn't Nero that 'fiddled,' it was Cæsar.
You should correct that before it goes on the record." In an instant
he was upon his feet, and exclaimed. "Mr. Speaker--Mr. Speaker--I
made a mistake. It wasn't Nero that 'fiddled' while Rome was burning;
it was _Julius Cæsar_." Happily for him, the Speaker was so busily
engaged that he did not hear him; but some members near heard and
enjoyed the joke. Afterwards some one told him that he was right in
the first place, which resulted in his reading all the ancient history
in the State Library during the remainder of the winter, to assure
himself as to who it was that "fiddled."
BONNETS.--621.
An old bachelor, who has evidently been taken in by a love of a
bonnet, thus discourseth:--
"No matter where you may chance to be,
No matter how many women you see--
A promiscuous crowd, or a certain she--
You may fully depend upon it,
That a gem of the very rarest kind,
A thing most difficult to find,
A pet for which we long have pined,
Is a 'perfect love of a bonnet.'"
SAVED THE LEATHER.--622.
An old man, rather elevated, bought a pair of new shoes, and, in
order to save their soles, walked home barefoot. He had not walked
far before his toe was brought too near to a large stone (considering
the latter was the harder of the two). He received a severe blow, and
began limping across the street, shoe in hand, groaning out: "Oh! how
glad I am I hadn't my new shoes on!"
LEGISLATION.--623.
A Virginia lawyer once objected to an expression of the Act of
Assembly of the State of Pennsylvania, that "the State House yard
should be surrounded by a brick wall, and remain an open enclosure
for ever." "But," replied a Pennsylvanian who was present, "I put it
down by that Act of the Legislature of Virginia which is entitled 'A
Supplement to an Act to amend an Act making it penal to alter the mark
of an unmarked hog.'"
WHEN WILL THEY MEET?--624.
There is a curious duel now pending in Boston which began ten years
ago. Mr. A., a bachelor, challenged Mr. B., a married man, with one
child, who replied that the conditions were not equal--that he must
necessarily put more at risk with his life than the other, and he
declined. A year afterwards he received a challenge from Mr. A.,
who stated that he too had now a wife and child, and he supposed,
therefore, the objection of Mr. B. was no longer valid. Mr. B.
replied that he now had two children, consequently the inequality
still subsisted. The next year Mr. A. renewed the challenge, having
now two children also; but his adversary had three. The matter when
last heard from was still going on, the numbers being six to seven,
and the challenge yearly renewed.
THE MILLENNIUM AT HAND.--625.
An editor of a Boston paper thinks that the millennium is at hand, and
gives his reasons. He says that an inspector of long and dry measures
in Baltimore, while going his rounds, cut a full quarter of an inch
from a yard-stick in a dry-goods' store in that city, it being that
much _too long_.
SAYINGS WISE AND WITTY.--626.
It iz highly important that when a man makes up hiz mind tew bekum
a raskal, that he should examine hizself clusly, and see if he aint
better konstrukted for a phool.
I argy in this way; if a man iz right, he kant be too radikal; if he
iz rong, he kant be too consarvatiff.
"Tell the truth, and shame the Devil;" i kno lots ov people who kan
shame the devil eazy enuff, but the tother thing bothers them.
It iz a verry delikate job tew forgive a man, without lowering him in
hiz own estimashun, and yures too.
Az a gineral thing, when a woman wares the britches she haz a good
rite tew them.
It iz admitted now bi evryboddy that the man who kan git fat on
berlony sassage has got a good deal of dorg in him.
Wooman's inflooenze iz powerful, espeshila when she wants ennything.
Sticking up yure noze don't prove ennything, for a sope biler, when he
iz away from his hum, smells evrything.
No man luvs tew git beat, but it iz better tew git beat than tew be
rong.
Don't mistake arroganse for wisdom; menny people hav thought they wuz
wize, when tha waz onla windy.
Men aint apt tew git kicked out ov good society for being ritch.
The rode tew Ruin iz alwus kept in good repair, and the travelers pa
the expense ov it.
If a man begins life bi being a fust Lutenant in hiz familee, he need
never tew look for promoshun.
The only proffit thare is in keeping more than one dorg iz what you
kan make on the board.
Young man, study Defference; it iz the best card in the pack.
Honesta iz the poor man's pork, and the rich man's pudding.
Thare iz a luxury in sumtimes feeling lonesum.
Thare is onla one advantage, that i kan see, in going tew the Devil,
and that iz the rode iz easy, and yu are sure to git there.
Lastly, i am violently oppozed tew ardent speerits as a bevridge; but
for manufakturing purposes i think a leetle ov it tastes good.
JOSH BILLINGS.
HER MARRIAGE GIFT.--627.
A country girl, desirous of matrimony, received from her mistress a
twenty dollar bill for her marriage gift. Her mistress desired to see
the object of Susan's favour, and a diminutive fellow, swarthy as a
Moor, and ill-favoured generally, made his appearance. "Oh, Susan!"
said her mistress, "how small; what a strange choice you have made."
"La, ma'am," answered Sue, "in such hard times as these, when all tall
and handsome fellows are off to the war, what more of a man than this
would you expect for twenty dollars?"
A FINE STREAM.--628.
A Philadelphia judge, well known for his love of jokes, advertised a
farm for sale, with a fine stream of water running through it. A few
days afterwards a gentleman called on him to speak about it. "Well,
judge," said he, "I have been over that farm you advertised for sale
the other day, and find all right, except the find stream of water you
mentioned."--"It runs through the piece of wood in the lower part of
the meadow," said the judge.--"What, that little brook? Why, it does
not hold much more than a spoonful. I am sure if you empty a bowl of
water into it it would overflow. You don't call that a fine stream,
do you?"--"Why, if it was a little finer you couldn't see it at all,"
said the judge, blandly.
KNOWING, AND NOT KNOWING.--629.
"Never go to bed," said a father to his son, "without knowing
something you did not know in the morning." "Yes, sir," replied the
youth, "I went to bed tipsy last night; didn't dream of such a thing
in the morning."
WAR PHRASES.--630.
The Confederates at Atlanta were in the habit of throwing immense
64-pound shells. When these were seen coming, the Federal soldiers
would warn each other by such expressions as "Look out for the
cart-wheel!" "There comes an anchor!" "Look out for that blacksmith's
shop!"
FOND OF SOCIETY.--631.
A lady, who was in the habit of spending a large portion of her
time in the society of her neighbours, happened one day to be taken
suddenly ill, and sent her husband in great haste for a physician. The
husband ran a few rods, but soon returned, exclaiming: "My dear, where
shall I find you when I get back?"
ARTEMUS WARD'S COURTSHIP.--632.
There was many affectin' ties which made one hanker arter Betsy
Jane. Her father's farm joined our'n; their cows and our'n squencht
their thurst at the same spring; our old mares both had stars in
their forreds; the measles broke out in both famerlies at nearly the
same period; our parients (Betsy's and mine) slept regularly every
Sunday in the same meeting-house; and the nabers used to observe:
"How thick the Wards and Peasleys air!" It was a surblime site, in
the spring of the year, to see our sevral mothers (Betsy's and mine)
with their gowns pin'd up so they couldn't sile 'em, affecshuntly
Bilin sope together & aboozin the nabers. Altho' I hanker'd intensly
arter the objeck of my affecshuns, I darsent tell her of the fires
which was rajin in my manly Buzzum. I'd try to do it, but my tung
would kerwollop up agin the roof of my mouth & stick thar, like deth
to a deseast Afrikan, or a country postmaster to his offiss, while
my hart whanged agin my ribs like a old-fashioned wheat Flale agin a
barn floor. 'Twas a carm still nite in Joon. All nater was husht,
and nary zeffer disturbed the sereen silens. I sot with Betsy Jane on
the fense of her father's pastur. We'd bin rompin threw the woods,
kullin flowrs, & drivin the woodchuck from his Native Lair (so to
speak) with long sticks. Wall, we sot thar on the fense, a swingin
our feet two and fro, blushin as red as the Baldinsville skool-house
when it was fust painted, and looking very simple, I make no doubt.
My left arm was ockepied in ballunsin myself on the fense, while my
rite was wounded lovingly round her waste. I cleared my throat, and
tremblinly sed: "Betsy, your'e a Gazelle." I thought that air was
putty fine. I waited to see what effect it would have upon her. It
evidently didn't fetch her, for she up and sed: "Your'e a sheep!" Sez
I: "Betsy, I think very muckly of you." "I don't believe a word you
say, so there now, cum!" with which obsarvashun she hitched away from
me. "I wish thar was winders to my Sole," sed I, "so that you could
see sum of my feelins. Thare's fire enough within," sed I, striking
my buzzum with my fist, "to bile all the corn beef and turnips in
the naberhood. Veersoovius and Critter ain't a circumstance!" She
bow'd her hed down, and commenced chewin the strings to her bonnet.
"Ar, could you know the sleepless nites I worry threw with on your
account; how vittles has seized to be attractive to me, & how my
lims has shrunk up, you wouldn't dowt me. Gaze on this wastin form,
and these 'ere sunken cheeks." I should have continured on in this
strane probly for sum time, but unfortnitly I lost one ballanse and
fell over into the pasture. Ker smash tearin my close, and seveerly
damagin myself ginerally. Betsy Jane sprang to my assistance in dubble
quick time, and dragged me 4th. Then, drawin herself up to her full
hite, sed: "I won't listen to your noncents no longer. Jes say rite
strate out what your'e drivin at. If you mean gettin hitched, I'M
IN!" I considered that air enuff for all practical purposes,
and we proceeded immejitly to the parson's, and was made 1 that very
nite. I've parst through many tryin ordeels sins then, but Betsy Jane
has bin troo as steel. By attending strickly to bizness I've amarsed
a handsome Pittance. No man on this footstool can rise and git up &
say I ever knowingly injered no man or wimmin folks, while all agree
that my Show is ekalled by few and excelled by none, embracin, as it
does, a wonderful colleckshun of livin wild Beests of Pray, snaix in
great profushun, a endless variety of life-size wax figgers, & the
only traned Kangaroo in Ameriky--the mos amoozin little cuss ever
introjuced to a discriminatin public, at the small charge of 15 sents.
COLONEL CROCKETT AND THE 'COON.--633.
I discovered a long time ago that a 'coon couldn't stand my grin. I
could bring one tumbling down from the highest tree. I never wasted
powder and lead when I wanted one of the creatures. Well, as I was
walking out one night, a few hundred yards from my house, looking
carelessly about me, I saw a 'coon planted upon one of the highest
limbs of an old tree. The night was very moony and clear, and old
Ratler was with me; but Ratler won't bark at a 'coon--he's a queer
dog in that way. So I thought I'd bring the lark down in the usual
way, _by a grin_. I set myself--and, after grinning at the 'coon a
reasonable time, found that he didn't come down. I wondered what was
the reason, and I took another steady grin at him. Still he was there.
It made me a little mad. So I felt round, and got an old limb about
five feet long, and planting one end upon the ground, I placed my chin
upon the other, and took a rest. I then grinned my best for about five
minutes, but the cursed 'coon hung on. So, finding I could not bring
him down by grinning, I determined to have him, for I thought he must
be a droll chap. I went over to the house, got my axe, returned to the
tree, saw the 'coon still there, and began to cut away. Down it come,
and I run forward; but d----n the 'coon was there to be seen. I found
that what I had taken for one was a large knot upon a branch of the
tree, and, upon looking at it closely, I saw that _I had grinned all
the bark off, and left the knot perfectly smooth_.
MODESTY.--634.
"Modesty," says a Yankee editor, "is a quality that highly adorns a
woman, but ruins a man."
SELF-EVIDENT KNOWLEDGE.--635.
A Yankee soldier who read his name in the list of deaths at an
hospital, wrote home that he didn't believe it. In fact, he knew the
statement was a falsehood as soon as he read it.
OBSTINACY CURED.--636.
A juror held out against his eleven companions in Santa Cruz,
California. The others, after trying all other means, finally agreed
to send in a verdict of "Guilty," with the addition, that the
obstinate member was a great rascal, and confederate of the prisoner.
He thereupon gave in.
NERVE OF FEELING.--637.
A Southern paper says that "a Yankee's chief nerve of feeling is in
his pocket."--"A rebel is more apt to feel in his neighbour's pocket,"
replies a Northern journal.
TWO MUCH ICE.--638.
A correspondent tells of a chap who was drinking at a bar, and withal
being tolerably tight, after several ineffectual attempts to raise
the glass to his lips, succeeded in getting it high enough to pour
the contents inside his shirt-collar, and set the glass down with the
exclamation, "That's good, but a little too much ice, landlord!"
ALL-HEALING.--639.
A Mormon, named Nichols, made a nerve and bone all-healing salve,
and thought he would experiment a little with it. He first cut off
his dog's tail, and applied some to the stump. A new tail grew out
immediately. He then applied some to the piece of the tail which he
cut off, and a new dog grew out. He did not know which dog was which.
PUTTING A GOOD FACE ON IT.--640.
A writer in the _Chicago Post_ describes how he got out of a bad
scrape in a police-court:--"The next morning the judge of the
police-court sent for me. I went down, and he received me cordially.
Said he heard of the wonderful things I had accomplished by knocking
down five persons, and assaulting six others, and was proud of me.
I was a promising young man, and all that. Then he offered a toast,
'Guilty or Not Guilty?' I responded in a brief but elegant speech,
setting forth the importance of the occasion that had brought us
together. After the usual ceremonies, I was requested to lend the city
ten dollars."
OBEYING ORDERS.--641.
An officer down in Georgia tells the following story:--"One night
General ---- was out on the line, and observed a light by the side of
the mountain opposite. Thinking it was a signal light of the enemy,
he remarked to his artillery officer that a hole could easily be put
through it. Whereupon the officer, turning to the corporal in charge
of the gun, said, 'Corporal, do you see that light?' 'Yes, sir.' 'Put
a hole through it,' ordered the captain. The corporal sighted the gun,
and when all was ready he looked up and said, 'Captain, that's the
moon!' 'Don't care for that,' was the captain's ready response, 'put a
hole through it any how.'"
NOT EXACTLY.--642.
An Indiana man was travelling down the Ohio in a steamer, with a mare
and a two-year-old colt, when by a sudden career of the boat, all
three were tilted into the river. The Indiana man, as he rose puffing
and blowing above water, caught hold of the tail of the colt, not
having a doubt that the natural instinct of the animal would take
him ashore. The old mare took a direct line for the shore; but the
frightened colt swam lustily down the current with the owner. "Let
go the colt and hang on the old mare," shouted some of his friends.
"Pooh, pooh!" exclaimed the Indiana man, spouting the water from his
mouth, and shaking his head like a Newfoundland dog; "it's mighty
fine, you telling me to leave go the colt; but to a man that can't
swim, this ain't exactly the time for changing horses!"
THE ANGLER CAUGHT.--643.
"In the summer of 1823," says an American writer, "when a mere lad, I
was at Swift's, in Sandwich. My then schoolmaster was there also, and
from him I had the tale. John Brown was the well-known _sobriquet_
of the fisherman who attended amateur anglers on their excursions.
John was not remarkable for his veracity, but quite otherwise, when
his success with the hook and line was the 'subject of his story.'
One day he was out with Daniel Webster. Both were standing in the
brook, patient waiters for a bite, when Mr. Webster told John how he
caught a large, a very large, trout on a former time. 'Your honour,'
said John, 'that was very well for a gentleman. But once, when I was
standing down by yonder bush, I took a fish, weighing'--I forget how
much, but of course many ounces more than the great lawyer's big fish.
'Ah! John, John,' exclaimed Mr. Webster, 'you are an am_phib_ious
animal--_you lie in the water, and you lie out of it_!'"
SPLENDID FIRING.--644.
They have pretty good marksmen in Vermont. Brown was telling Smith,
of New Hampshire, the skill of a Green Mountain hunter. "Why," said
he, "I have seen him take two partridges and let them both go--one in
front and the other behind him; and he would fire and kill the one
in front, and then whirl round and kill the other." "Did he have a
double-barrelled gun?" enquired Smith. "Of course he did." "Well,"
replied Smith, "I saw a man do the same thing with a _single-barrel_."
Brown didn't believe the thing possible, and said so.
CHARGED AND DISCHARGED.--645.
A fellow charged with stealing a hoe was discharged upon trial, it
being proved that the article taken was an axe. The affair turned out
a regular _ho-ax_.
COLONEL CROCKETT.--646.