give his tormentor a direct cut, in telling him he wished to be asked
no further questions. The inquisitor fell back a moment to take
breath, and change his tactics. The half-suppressed smile on the
faces of the other passengers soon aroused him to further exertions;
and, summoning up more resolution, he then began again. "Stranger,
perhaps you are not aware how mighty hard it is for a Yankee to
control his curiosity. You'll please excuse me, but I really would
like to know your name and residence, and the business you follow.
I expect you ain't ashamed of either of 'em, so now won't you just
obleedge me?" This appeal brought out the traveller, who, rising up
to the extremest height allowed by the coach, and throwing back his
shoulders, replied: "My name is General Andrew Washington. I reside in
the State of Mississipi. I am a gentleman of leisure, and, I am glad
to be able to say, of extensive means. I have heard much of New York,
and I am on my way to see it; and, if I like it as well as I am led to
expect, _I intend to--buy it_." Then was heard a shout of stentorian
laughter throughout the stage-coach, and this was the last of that
conversation.
THE AMENDE HONOURABLE.--565.
A Pennsylvania paper contains the subjoined _amende honourable_,
which ought to satisfy any reasonable being:--"AMENDE
HONOURABLE:--We yesterday spoke of Mr. Hamilton, of the Chesnut
Street Theatre, as a 'thing.' Mr. H. having complained of our remark,
we willingly retract, and here state that Mr. Hamilton, of the Chesnut
Street Theatre, is _no-thing_."
YANKEE PORTRAIT OF JOHN BULL.--566.
An American writer says: "John Bull is altogether too superfluous and
clumsy; his proportions want regulating; his belly is too protuberant;
his neck too thick; his feet too spreading; his hands too large and
podgy; his lips too spongy and everted; his cheeks too pendulous; his
nose too lobular, blunt, and bottle-like; his expression altogether
too beef-eating. In a word, according to our taste, John Bull won't
do, and must be done over again. The American is an Englishman
without his caution, his reserve, his fixed habits, his cant, and his
stolidity."
A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE.--567.
A St. Louis paper informs its readers that the anthracite coal, found
lately in Missouri, looks like coal, feels like coal, and smells like
coal; all the difference is that coal burns, and that will not.
HALF GUILTY.--568.
A man was on trial for _entering_ a house in Philadelphia in the night
time, with intent to steal. The testimony was clear that he had made
an opening sufficiently large to admit the upper part of his body, and
through which he protruded himself about half way, and, stretching
out his arm, committed the theft. Mr. Obfusticate Brief addressed the
jury. "What an outrage (looking horrified, and with outstretched and
trembling arms)! I repeat, what an outrage upon your common sense it
is for the State's Attorney to ask at your hands the conviction of my
client on such testimony! The law is against _entering_ a house, and
can a man be said to _enter_ a house when only _one-half_ of his body
is _in_, and the other half _out_?" The jury brought in a verdict of
"guilty," as to one-half of his body, from his waist up, and "not
guilty" as to the other half! The judge sentenced the guilty half to
one year's imprisonment, leaving it to the prisoner's option to have
the innocent half cut off, or to take it along with him.
THE OTHER IMPEDIMENT.--569.
A handsome young pedlar made love to a buxom widow in Pennsylvania.
He accompanied his declaration with an allusion to two impediments
to their union. "Name them," said the widow. "The want of means to
set up a retail store." They parted, and the widow sent the pedler a
cheque for ample means. When they met again the pedler had hired and
stocked his store, and the smiling fair one begged to know the other
impediment. "_I have a wife already._"
WONDERFUL, IF TRUE.--570.
A Western hunter and his brother spent a year in and about the Rocky
Mountains. They had two rifles, one bullet, and one keg of powder.
With these, he says, they killed on an average 27 head of buffaloes
a day. The fact that they did all this with one bullet led to the
following cross question:--"How did you kill all these buffaloes with
only one bullet?" "Listen, and I'll explain," said the hunter. "We
shot a buffalo; I stood on one side, and my brother on the other.
Brother fired; the ball passed into the barrel of my rifle. The next
time, I fired, and brother caught my ball in his rifle. We kept up the
hunt for twelve months, killing nearly 200 buffaloes per week, and yet
brought home the same ball we started with."
JONATHAN'S GUESS.--571.
A "notion seller" was offering Yankee clocks highly varnished and
coloured, and with a looking-glass in front, to a certain lady not
remarkable for personal beauty. "Why, it's beautiful," said the
vendor. "Beautiful, indeed! a look at it almost frightens me!" said
the lady. "Then, marm," replied Jonathan, "I guess you'd better buy
one that han't got no looking-glass."
SURE OF IT.--572.
A coloured individual in New York, who was hit on the side of his head
by a rotten tomato which a mischievous boy threw at him, placed his
hand on the spot, and finding some red liquid upon it that he supposed
was blood, dropped upon the pathway, and exclaimed in the anguish of
his heart, "I'se a dead nigger dis time, sure!"
PICTURE-DEALING.--573.
A Boston paper contains this advertisement:--"A great bargain. To
all who may enclose one dollar I will send, post paid, a finely-cut
engraved portrait of George Washington, the Father of his Country,
together with an elegant portrait of Benjamin Franklin. Either
separately at four shillings. Address, H. C. C., ---- Street,
Boston." The fellow actually sent back a three-cent and a one-cent
postage-stamp, ornamented with the finely-engraved heads!
STRETCH OF IMAGINATION.--574.
Ike Johnstone was down to de ingia-rubber store last week, and he
asked me to talk wid de man behind de counter, while he could steal
a pair ob suspenders. So he took hold ob a pair by de end and stowed
dem away down in his pocket, and went out widout unhooken em from de
nail dey was hangin' on; and when he got home he was showin' em to de
old woman, and as he was passin' em ober to her, dey slipp'd fro his
fingers, and flew back to de store wid such force dat dey busted in de
sash, killed de clerk, and knocked all de money out ob de draw.
ADVICE TO DOCTORS.--575.
Have you heard of the Bowery boy who, being cut short in a hard
life by a sore disease which quickly brought him to death's door,
was informed by his physician that medicine could do nothing for
him. "What's my chances, doctor?"--"Not worth speaking of." "One in
twenty?"--"Oh, no." "In thirty?"--"No." "Fifty?"--"I think not." "A
hundred?"--"Well, perhaps there may be one in a hundred." "I say,
then, doctor," pulling him close down, and whispering with feeble
earnestness in his ear, "jest go in like all thunder on that one
chance." The doctor "went in," and the patient recovered.
SETTING THE TIME.--576.
A close-fisted old farmer had a likely daughter, whose opening charms
attracted the attention of a certain young man. After some little
manoeuvring, he ventured to open a courtship. On the first night of
his appearance in the parlour, the old man, after dozing in his chair
until nine o'clock, arose, and putting a log of wood on the fire, said
as he left the room, "There, Nancy, when that log of wood burns out it
is time for James to go home."
REMARKABLY SOCIABLE.--577.
Governor Powell, of Kentucky, was once a great favourite. He never
was an orator, but his conversational, story-telling, and social
qualities were remarkable. His great forte lay in establishing a
personal intimacy with every one he met, and in this he was powerful
in electioneering. He chewed immense quantities of tobacco, but never
carried the weed himself, and was always begging it from every one
he met. His residence was in Henderson, and in coming up the Ohio,
past that place, I overheard the following characteristic anecdote
of Lazarus:--A citizen of Henderson coming on board, fell into
conversation with a passenger, who made some inquiries about Powell.
"Lives in your place, I believe, don't he?"--"Yes; one of our oldest
citizens." "Very sociable man, ain't he?"--"Remarkably so." "Well, I
thought so. I think he is one of the most sociable men I ever met in
all my life. Wonderfully sociable! I was introduced to him over at
Grayson Springs, last summer, and he hadn't been with me ten minutes
when he begged all the tobacco I had, got his feet up in my lap, and
spit all over me! Re-mark-a-bly sociable!"
THE HOUSE THAT JEFF. BUILT.--578.
The _Hartford Post_ says:--
The following history of the celebrated edifice erected by J. Davis,
Esq., is authentic. It was written for the purpose of giving infant
politicians a clear, concise, and truthful description of the
habitation, and the fortunes, and misfortunes, and doings of the
inmates:--
I. THE SOUTHERN CONFEDERACY.--That is the house that Jeff.
built.
II. THE ETHIOPIAN.--This is the malt that lay in the house
that Jeff. built.
III. THE UNDERGROUND RAILROAD.--This is the rat that eat the
malt that lay in the house that Jeff. built.
IV. THE FUGITIVE SLAVE LAW.--This is the cat that killed the
rat that eat the malt that lay in the house that Jeff. built.
V. THE PERSONAL LIBERTY BILL.--This is the dog that worried
the cat that killed the rat that eat the malt that lay in the house
that Jeff. built.
VI. CHIEF JUSTICE TANEY.--This is the cow with crumpled horn
that tossed the dog that worried the cat that killed the rat that eat
the malt that lay in the house that Jeff. built.
VII. JAMES BUCHANAN.--This is the maiden all forlorn that
milked the cow with crumpled horn that tossed the dog that worried the
cat that killed the rat that eat the malt that lay in the house that
Jeff. built.
VIII. C. CESH.--This is the man all tattered and torn that
married the maiden all forlorn that milked the cow with crumpled horn
that tossed the dog that worried the cat that killed the rat that eat
the malt that lay in the house that Jeff. built.
IX. PLUNDER.--This is the priest all shaven and shorn that
married the man all tattered and torn to the maiden all forlorn that
milked the cow with crumpled horn that tossed the dog that worried the
cat that killed the rat that eat the malt that lay in the house that
Jeff. built.
PUZZLED.--579.
At the Sutter House, Sacramento, a New Yorker, newly arrived, was
lamenting his condition, and his folly in leaving an abundance at
home, and especially two beautiful daughters, who were just budding
into womanhood, when he asked the other if he had a family. "Yes,
Sir, I have a wife and six children in New York, and I never saw one
of them." After this reply, the couple sat a few minutes in silence,
and then the interrogator again commenced. "Were you ever blind,
Sir?"--"No, Sir." "Did you marry a widow, Sir?"--"No, Sir." Another
lapse of silence. "Did I understand you to say, Sir, that you had a
wife and six children living in New York, and had never seen one of
them?"--"Yes, Sir, I so stated it." Another and a longer pause of
silence. The interrogator again enquired--"How can it be, Sir, that
you never saw one of them?" "Why," was the response, "_one_ of them
was born after I left." "Oh, ah!" and a general laugh followed. After
that, the first New Yorker was especially distinguished as the man who
has six children and never saw one of them.
THE PAPER COLLARS.--580.
It is said the Southerns captured at Mansfield two waggons loaded
with paper collars, and that General Dick Taylor returned the collars
through a flag of truce, with a letter to General Banks, in which the
facetious rebel said:--"I have boiled, baked, and stewed these things,
and can do nothing with them. We cannot eat them. They are a luxury
for which we have no use, and I would like, therefore, to exchange
them for a like quantity of hard tack." The joke is a good one, and
has convulsed the Western boys, who have no great admiration for the
"Liberator of Louisiana." When the Western troops passed General
Banks's head-quarters, coming into Alexandria, they groaned, jeered,
and called aloud, "How about those paper collars?"
CAUSE AND EFFECT.--581.
Many of the United States papers give with every death they announce
the name of the physician who attended the defunct. The following
specimen, from a New Orleans journal, will show the business-like
manner in which the matter is gone about:--"Died, at his house in
Cotton Street, Jonathan Smith, storekeeper. He was a well-doing
citizen, and deservedly respected. His wife carries on the store.
Gregson physician." The name of the doctor renders the affair complete.
PROFIT AND LOSS.--582.
The keeper of a groggery in New York happened one day to break one
of his tumblers. He stood for a moment looking at the fragments,
reflecting on his loss; and then turning to his assistant, he cried
out, "Tom, put a quart of water into that old Cognac."
THE "NAYGERS."--583.
When the question of the enlistment of the negroes in the Northern
army was first mooted, the following song made its appearance, and
became very popular. It is supposed to be written by one Miles
O'Reilly, a private soldier in the Army of the Potomac. Miles is
altogether an imaginary personage, and is represented by his clever
inventors as the typical Hibernian soldier of the war. The song is
sung to the Irish air of the "Low-backed Car":--
"Some tell us 'tis a burning shame
To make the naygers fight,
And that the thrade of being kilt
Belongs but to the white;
But as for me, upon my sowl--
So liberal are we here--
I'll let Sambo be murther'd instead of myself
On every day in the year.
On every day in the year, boys,
And in every hour of the day,
The right to be killt I'll divide wid him,
And divil a word I'll say.
"In battle's wild commotion
I shouldn't at all object
If Sambo's body should stop a ball
That was coming for me direct.
And the prod of a Southern bagnet--
So generous are we here--
I'll resign, and let Sambo take it
On every day in the year.
So hear me, all boys, darlins,
Don't think I'm tippin' you chaff,
The right to be killt we'll divide wid him,
And give him the largest half."
PICKLED ELEPHANT.--584.
Old Rowe kept a hotel in the northern part of York State, which
he boasted was the best in those parts; where, as he used to say,
you could get anything that was ever made to eat. One day in came
a Yankee. He sent his horse round to the stable, and stepping up
to the bar, asked old Rowe what he could give him for dinner.
"Anything, Sir," said old Rowe; "anything from a pickled elephant
to a canary-bird's tongue." "Wal," says the Yankee, eyeing Rowe, "I
guess I'll take a piece of pickled elephant." Out bustles Howe into
the dining-room, leaving our Yankee friend nonplussed at his gravity.
Presently he comes back again. "Well, we've got 'em; got 'em all
ready, right here in the house; but you'll have to take a whole 'un,
'cause we never cut 'em." The Yankee thought he would take some cod
fish and potatoes.
SAME DRUNK.--585.
A gentleman, finding his servant intoxicated, said, "What, drunk
again, Sam? I scolded you for being drunk last night, and here you
are drunk again." "No, massa; same drunk, massa, same drunk," replied
Sambo.
CATCHING.--586.
"Jem, you've been drinking." "No, I haven't; I've been looking at
another man drinking, and it was too much for me."
TO MAKE LEECHES BITE.--587.
If the leech will not bite, bind him apprentice to a broker for a
week, and his teeth will become so sharp that he will bite through the
bottom of a brass kettle.
LACONIC.--588.
"Hillo, master," said a Yankee to a teamster, who appeared in
something of a hurry, "What time is it?--Where are you going?--How
deep is the creek?--And what is the price of the butter?" "Past one,
almost two--home--waist deep--and elevenpence," was the reply.
AIDS TO MEMORY.--589.
A paper publishes a story in which it is stated that a man who came
very near drowning had a wonderful recollection of every event which
had occurred during his life. There are a _few_ of our subscribers
whom we would recommend to practice bathing in deep water.
SIMMONS ON LIFE.--590.
"What is the use of living?" asked Jack Simmons the other day. "We
are flogged for crying when we are babies, flogged because the master
is cross when we are boys, obliged to toil, sick or well, or starve,
when we are men, to toil still harder when we are husbands, and after
exhausting life and strength in the service of other people, die, and
leave our children to quarrel about the possession of father's watch,
and our wives to catch somebody else."
CUTE EXPEDIENT.--591.
There was a law in Boston against smoking in the street. A down-easter
strutted about the city one day, puffing at a cigar. Up walked the
constable. "Guess your smokin'," he said. "You'll pay two dollars,
stranger." "I ain't smokin'," was the quick response, "try the weed
yourself; it ain't alight." The constable took a pull at the cigar,
and out came a long puff of white smoke. "Guess you'll pay _me_ two
dollars," said the down-easter, quietly. "Wal," replied the constable,
"I calc'late you're considerable sharp. S'pose we liquor."
A MILD ASSERTION.--592.
This is to certify that I have always been bald, and have used up a
barrel of common hair-dye. I accidentally heard of your Invigorator,
and purchased a bottle, and carried it home in my overcoat pocket.
The pocket was full of hair when I got home! I took the bottle and
held it in the sun, when the shadow fell on my head. A thick head of
chestnut-coloured hair grew out in thirty minutes by the watch, all
curled and perfumed. Send me twenty bottles by return mail.
FRIENDLY NOTICE.--593.
The editor of the _Florence Inquirer_ gives the following notice to
one of his friends--"The gentleman who took out of our library the
number of _Graham's Magazine_, is respectfully invited to call again
in about two weeks and get the number for August."
TIPPING THEM LATIN.--594.
Andrew Jackson was once making a stump speech out West in a small
village. Just as he was concluding amen, Kendall, who sat behind
him, whispered, "Tip 'em a little Latin, General; they won't be
content without it." The man of iron instantly thought upon a few
phrases he knew, and in a voice of thunder he wound up his speech by
exclaiming--"_E pluribus unum--sine qua non--ne plus ultra--multum in
parvo_." The effect was tremendous, and the Hoosier's shouts could be
heard for miles.
A SOLID REASON.--595.
A distinguished Southern gentleman, dining at a New York hotel, was
annoyed at a negro servant continually waiting upon him, and desired
him one day at dinner to retire. "Excuse me, Sir," said Cuffy, drawing
himself up, "but I'se 'sponsible for de silver."
SQUASHED.--596.
A romantic youth, promenading in a fashionable street in New York,
picked up a thimble. He stood awhile, meditating upon the probable
beauty of the owner, when he pressed it to his lips, saying, "Oh,
that it were the fair cheek of the wearer!" Just as he had finished,
a stout, elderly negress looked out of an upper window, and said,
"Massa, jist please to bring dat fimble of mine in de entry--I jist
drapt it."
BRIGHT AND BLUE.--597.
I met her in the sunset bright, her gingham gown was blue; her eyes,
that danced with pure delight, were of the same dear hue. And always
when the sun goes down, I think of the girl in the gingham gown.
OYSTERS.--598.
A man seeing an oyster vendor pass by, called out, "Give me a pound
of oysters!" "We sell oysters by measure, not by weight," replied the
other. "Well," said he, "give me a yard of them."
ABSTRACTION.--599.
An editor at a dinner-table being asked if he would take some pudding,
replied in a fit of abstraction, "Owing to a crowd of other matter we
are unable to find room for it."
MODERN DEFINITIONS NOT FOUND IN ANY OF THE ANCIENT DICTIONARIES.--600.
_Hard Times._--Sitting on a cold grindstone and reading the
President's message.
_Love._--A little world within itself intimately connected with shovel
and tongs.
_Genteel Society._--A place where the rake is honoured and the
moralist condemned.
_Poetry._--A bottle of ink thrown over a sheet of foolscap.
_Politician._--A fellow that culls all his knowledge from borrowed
newspapers.
_Patriot._--A man who has neither property nor reputation to lose.
_Independence._--Owing fifty thousand dollars which you never intend
to pay.
_Lovely Woman._--An article manufactured by milliners.
"One wants but little here below,
And wants that little for a _show_."
FIRM FOUNDATION.--601.
The editor of the _Albany Express_ says, the only reason why his
dwelling was not blown away in a late storm was because there was a
heavy mortgage on it.
GALLANT CORRECTION.--602.
An American agricultural society offers premiums to farmers'
daughters--"girls under twenty-one years of age," who shall exhibit
the best lots of butter, not less than 10 lbs. "That's all right,"
says a New York paper, "save the insinuation that some girls are over
twenty-one years of age."
HARD HEARING.--603.
We know a man down East whose hearing is so hard that he broke it up
and sold it for gun-flints.
YANKEE MODESTY.--604.
I cannot bear egotism. I never like to praise myself; but, humanly
speaking, I can double up any two men in these diggings, take the bark
off a tree by looking at it, and bore a hole through a board fence
with my eye. But I don't praise myself. I leave others to give my
character.
A REBUKE.--605.
A Yankee, whose face had been mauled in a pot-house brawl, assured
General Jackson that he had received his scars in battle. "Then," said
Old Hickory, "be careful the next time you run away, and don't look
back."
MONSTER PUNCH-BOWL.--606.
A Kentuckian, on hearing praised the Rutland Punch-bowl, which on the
christening of the young Marquis was built so large that a small boat
was actually set sailing upon it, in which a boy sat, who laddled out
the liquor, exclaimed, "I guess I've seen a bowl that 'ud beat that to
smash; for, at my brother's christening, the bowl was so deep, that
when we young'uns said it warn't sweet enough, father sent a man down
in a diving-bell to stir up the sugar at the bottom."
LONG LIVERS.--607.
The people live uncommon long at Vermont. There are two men there so
old that they have forgotten who they are, and there is nobody alive
who can remember it for them.
REMARKABLE SKIPPER.--608.
It is said that there is a skipper in New York who has crossed the
Atlantic so often that he knows every wave by sight.
YOUTH INDIGNANT.--609.
A lad was subpoenaed as a witness in one of the American courts.
The judge said, "Put the boy upon evidence," upon hearing which young
America exclaimed, "Who are you calling a boy? W'e chewed baccy these
two years."
DANIEL WEBSTER.--610.
The _Salem Register_ tells this good story. Daniel Webster was once
standing in company with several other gentlemen in the Capitol at
Washington, as a drove of mules were going past. "Webster," said one
of the Southern gentlemen, "there go some of your constituents."
"Yes," instantly replied Mr. Webster, "they are going South to teach
school."
THANKS TO HIS HENS.--611.
A man in Missouri planted some beans late one afternoon, and next
morning they were _up_--thanks to his hens.
CONFIDENCE NECESSARY.--612.
The _Boston Post_ says--"All that is necessary for the enjoyment of
sausages is _confidence_."
PAINFUL NECESSITY.--613.
During the long drought of last summer, an American paper says, water
became so scarce in a certain parish that the farmers' wives were
obliged to send their milk to town genuine.
ANSWERED AT ONCE.--614.
An American clergyman, preaching a drowsy sermon, asked, "What is the
price of earthly pleasure?" The deacon, a fat grocer, woke up hastily
from a sound sleep, and cried out lustily, "Seven and sixpence a
dozen."
MORE COPY.--615.