ink," which he has been selling as a safeguard against all actions
for breach of promise of marriage, in so much as it entirely fades
from the paper in two months after date, was recently "done brown" by
a brother down-easter, who purchased a hundred boxes of the article,
and gave him his note for 90 days. At the expiration of the time, the
ink inventor called for payment, but, on unfolding the scrip, found
nothing but a blank piece of paper. The note had been written with his
own ink.
A ROUGH BEDFELLOW.--518.
A man in Arkansas had been drinking until a late hour at night, and
then started for home in a state of sweet obliviousness. Upon reaching
his own premises he was too far gone to discover any door to the
domicile he was wont to inhabit, and, therefore, laid himself down in
a shed which was a favourite rendezvous for swine. They happened to
be out when the new comer arrived, but soon returned to their bed. The
weather being rather cold, they, in the utmost kindness, and with the
truest hospitality, gave their biped companion the middle of the bed,
some lying on either side of him, and others acting the part of quilt.
Their warmth prevented him from being injured by exposure. Towards
morning he awoke. Finding himself comfortable, in blissful ignorance
of his whereabouts, he supposed himself enjoying the accommodation of
a tavern, in company with other gentlemen. He reached out his hand,
and catching hold of the stiff bristles of an old hog, exclaimed:
"Hallo, my good friend, you've got a deuce of a beard! When did you
shave last?"
NEW, IF NOT TRUE.--519.
In one of the Northern States of America, according to
veracious authority, the pious young women established
an association which they styled "The Young Women's
Anti-young-men-waiting-at-the-church-doors-with-ulterior-objects
Society." (We suppose this must be founded on the model of "The
Anti-poking-your-nose-into-other-people's-business Society," in
London.)
TRUE, IF NOT NEW.--520.
A burnt child hates the fire, but a man who has been singed by Cupid's
torch always has a sneaking kindness for the old flame.
CURING TWO AFFLICTIONS.--521.
An American secretary of state had two afflictions--an obliging
doorkeeper and a pertinacious office-hunter. Day after day the
latter called, and the former was too polite to shut him out. The
secretary, when he could stand the nuisance no longer, said to the
doorkeeper: "Do you know what that man comes after?" "Yes," replied
the functionary, "an office, I suppose." "True, but do you know what
office?" "No." "Well, then, I'll tell you; he wants your office." The
bore was admitted no more.
PLAIN SPOKEN.--522.
"Facts are stubborn things," said a lawyer to a female witness under
examination. The lady replied: "Yes, _sir-ee_, and so are women;
and if you get anything out of me just let me know it."--"You'll be
committed for contempt."--"Very well; I'll suffer justly, for I feel
the utmost contempt for every lawyer present."
POPPING THE QUESTION.--523.
A bachelor, too poor to get married, yet too susceptible to let
the girls alone, was riding with a lady "all of a summer's day,"
and accidentally--(men's arms, awkward things, are ever in the
way!)--dropped an arm round her waist. No objection was made for a
while, and the arm gradually relieved the side of the carriage of the
pressure upon it. But of a sudden, whether from a late recognition of
the impropriety of the thing, or the sight of another beau coming,
never was known, the lady started with volcanic energy, and with a
flashing eye exclaimed: "Mr. B., I can support myself!"--"Capital,"
was the instant reply, "you are just the girl I have been looking for
these five years--will you marry me?"
A GEM.--524.
At a lecture of Bayard Taylor's a lady wished for a seat, when a
portly, handsome gentleman brought one, and seated her. "Oh, you're a
jewel," said she. "Oh, no," he replied, "I'm a jeweller--I have just
_set_ the jewel!"
THINGS I SHOULD LIKE TO SEE.--525.
A fashionable bootmaker who was not "from Paris."
A gentleman who was not a self-constituted inspector of ladies'
bonnet-linings.
A male pedestrian divorced from his cane who knew what to do with his
hands.
A man who could hold an umbrella properly over a lady's bonnet; or put
on her cloak, or shawl, without crushing her bonnet, or hair; or diet
himself when he was ailing; or take physic that did not "taste good;"
or be good-natured when he was sick, or had cut his chin in shaving,
or had to wait ten minutes for his dinner or breakfast; or who was
ever "refused" by a lady.
A bachelor whose carpet did not wear out _first_ in front of the
looking-glass.
A male author who could successfully counterfeit a feminine letter.
An editor, or author, who did not feel nervous at the idea of
examining trunk-linings and parcel wrappers.
A handsome child who did not grow up to be homely.
A woman who was not _at heart_ inimical to her own sex.
A married man who could give the right hand of fellowship to a wife's
old lover; or take a hint from the toe of her slipper, under the
table, before company.
A milliner who could be bribed to make a bonnet to cover the head.
A dressmaker who did not consider a "perfect fit" to consist in an
armour of whalebone and a breathless squeeze.
A husband's relatives who could speak well of his wife.
A doctor who had not more patients than he could attend to.
A washerwoman who ever lost an article of clothing.
A public speaker who did not search for the lost thread of his
discourse in the convenient tumbler of water at his elbow.
A woman who would not feign to be "so fond of cigar-smoke," rather
than exile the smoker.
An old maid who was not so from choice.
FANNY FERN.
QUESTION FOR QUESTION.--526.
Franklin was once asked, "What is the use of your discovery of
atmospheric electricity?" The philosopher answered the question by
another, "What is the _use_ of a new-born infant?"
THE YANKEE.--527.
"No matter where his home may be--
What flag may be unfurl'd!
He'll manage by some _cute_ device,
To _whittle_ through the world."
--_Miss Allin's "Home Ballads."_
TRUE POLITENESS.--528.
Sir W. G., when Governor of Williamsburgh, returned the salute of
a negro who was passing. "Sir," said a gentleman, present, "do you
descend to salute a slave?" "Why, yes," replied the Governor, "I
cannot suffer a man of his condition to _exceed_ me in _good manners_."
A "DISTANT" FRIEND.--529.
Meeting a negro on the road, a traveller said: "You have lost some
of your friends, I see?" "Yes, massa." "Was it a _near_ or distant
relative?" "Well, purty distant--_'bout twenty-four mile_," was the
reply.
JONATHAN OF ALL TRADES.--530.
The editor of the _Boston Daily Star_, in relinquishing his charge,
gave the following notice:--"Any one wishing corn hoed, gardens
weeded, wood sawed, coal pitched in, paragraphs written, or small
jobs done with despatch, and on reasonable terms, will please make
immediate application to the retiring editor."
MUCH VIRTUE IN AN "IF."--531.
"If you can only get kit rid of them little failings" (blindness and
deafness), said one Yankee to another, "you'll find him all sorts of a
horse."
THE SCHOOLMASTER ABROAD.--532.
A Californian gold-digger, having become rich, desired a friend to
procure for him a library of books. The friend obeyed, and received
a letter of thanks thus worded:--"I am obliged to you for the pains
of your selection. I particularly admire a grand religious poem about
Paradise, by a Mr. Milton, and a set of plays (quite delightful) by a
Mr. Shakespeare. _If these gentlemen should write and publish anything
more, be sure and send me their new works._"
ANSWERING AN ADVERTISEMENT.--533.
A merchant advertising for a clerk, "who could bear confinement,"
received an answer from one who had been ten years in the State prison!
THE LOVERS' LEAP.--534.
Mr. Dickens tells an American story of a young lady who, being
intensely loved by five young men, was advised to "jump overboard, and
marry the man who jumped in after her." Accordingly, next morning, the
five lovers being on deck, and looking very devotedly at the young
lady, she plunged into the sea head foremost. Four of the lovers
immediately jumped in after her. When the young lady and four lovers
were out again, she says to the captain, "What am I to do with them
now, they are so wet?" "Take the _dry one_." And the young lady did,
and married him.
COMPLIMENTARY.--535.
She was all sorts of a gal--there warn't a sprinklin' too much of her;
she had an eye that would make a fellow's heart try to get out of his
bosom; her step was as light as a panther's, and her breath sweet as a
prairie flower.
CUTTING.--536.
General Lee one day found Dr. Cutting, the army surgeon, who was a
handsome and dressy man, arranging his cravat complacently before
a glass. "Cutting," said Lee, "you must be the happiest man in
creation." "Why, General?" "Because," replied Lee, "you are in love
with _yourself_, and you have not a _rival_ upon earth."
THE DARKIE'S WISH.--537.
I wish de legislatur would set dis darkie free,
Oh! what a happy place den de darkie land would be
We'd have a darkie parliament,
An' darkie codes of law,
An' darkie judges on de bench,
Darkie barristers and aw.
POOR PREACHING AND POOR PAY.--538.
"John, what do you do for a living?"--"Oh, me preach."--"Preach, and
do you get paid for it?"--"Sometimes me get a shilling, sometimes two
shillings."--"And isn't that mighty poor pay?"--"Oh, yes, but it's
mighty poor preaching."
A TRUMP CARD.--539.
There was a very large family of Cards wunst at Slickville. They
were mostly in the stage-coach and livery-stable line, and careless,
reckless sort of people. So one day Squire Zenas Card had a
christenin' at his house. Says the minister, "What shall I call the
child?"--"Pontius Pilate," said he.--"I can't," said the minister,
"and I won't. No soul ever heard of such a name for a Christian since
baptism came in fashion."--"I am sorry for that," said the squire,
"for it's a mighty pretty name. I heard it once in church, and I
thought if ever I had a son I'd call him after him; but if I can't
have that--and it's a dreadful pity--call him Trump;" and he was
christened "Trump Card."--_Sam Slick._
TIMELY WARNING.--540.
A Yankee editor thus confesses to have had dealings with Satan, for
the good of his readers, of course:--I was sitting in my study, when
I heard a knock at the door. "Come in," said I; when the door opened,
and who should walk in but--Satan! "How d'ye do?" said he.--"Pretty
well," said I.--"What are you about? preparing your leader?"--"Yes,"
said I.--"Ah! I dare say you think you are doing a great deal of
good?"--"Well," said I, "not so much as I could wish; but a little
good, I hope."--"You have a large lot of readers," said he.--"Well,
pretty well for that," said I.--"And I dare say you are very proud of
them," said Satan.--"No," said I, "that I am not, for not one-third of
them pay for their papers!"--"You don't say so!" said he.--"Yes, that
I do," said I; "not one-third of them pay for their papers!"--"Well,"
said he, "then they are an immoral lot; but let me have the list, I
think I can do a trifle myself with such people."
HABITUAL THIRST.--541.
A soldier on trial for habitual drunkenness was addressed by the
president--"Prisoner, you have heard the prosecution for habitual
drunkenness, what have you to say in defence?" "Nothing, please your
honour, but habitual thirst."
STONING STEPHEN.--542.
The _Buffalo Democracy_ narrates this story of one of the miniature
men, vulgarly called children:--"A teacher in a Sunday-school
in R---- was examining a class of little boys from a Scripture
catechism. The first question was, 'Who stoned Stephen?'--_Answer_:
'The Jews.'--Second question: 'Where did they stone him?'--'Beyond
the limits of the city.'--The third question: 'Why did they take
him beyond the limits of the city?' was not in the book, and proved
a poser to the whole class; it passed from head to foot without
an answer being attempted. At length a little fellow who had been
scratching his head all the while looked up, and said, 'Well, I don't
know, unless it was to get _a fair fling at him_!'"
VIRGINIAN ELOQUENCE.--543.
Mr. Wise, of Virginia, in a late speech, is reported to have said
respecting that State, "She has an iron chain of mountains running
through her centre, which God has placed there to milk the clouds,
and be the source of her silver rivers." The _Rochester American_
remarks--"The figure is borrowed from the New York milkmen, who milk
the clouds as much as they do their cows, and draw from the former the
most palatable and healthful portion of the compound fluid."
YANKEE FACTORY GIRLS.--544.
In one of the factories in Maine the proprietor recently reduced the
wages, whereupon there was a general determination to "strike;" and
as the girls were obliged to give a month's notice before quitting
work, they have meanwhile issued a circular to the world at large, in
which is the following interesting paragraph:--"We are now working
out our notice, and shall soon be without employment; can turn our
hands to 'most anything; don't like to be idle--but determined not
to work for nothing when folks can afford to pay. Who wants help? We
can make bonnets, dresses, puddings, pies, and cakes, patch, darn,
and knit, roast, stew, and fry; make butter and cheese, milk cows and
feed chickens, and hoe corn; sweep out the kitchen, put the parlour to
rights, make beds, split wood, kindle fires, wash and iron, besides
being remarkably fond of babies; in fact, can do anything the most
accomplished housewife is capable of--not forgetting the scoldings
on Mondays and Saturdays. For specimens of spirit we refer you to
our overseer. Speak quick. Black eyes, fair foreheads, clustering
locks, beautiful as a Hebe, can sing like a seraph, and smile most
bewitchingly. An elderly gentleman in want of a housekeeper, or a nice
young man in want of a wife--willing to sustain any character; in
fact, we are in the market. Who bids? Going--going--gone! Who's the
lucky man?"
FALLING IN LOVE.--545.
If you want a son not to fall in love with any splenderiferous gal,
praise her up to the skies, call her an angel, say she is a whole team
and horse to spare, and all that. The moment the crittur sees her he
is a little grain disappointed, and says, "Well, she is handsome,
that's a fact; but she is not so very, very everlastin' after all."
Nothin' damages a gal, a preacher, or a lake, like overpraise. A hoss
is one of the onliest things in natur' that is helpet by it.--_Sam
Slick._
DULL MEMBERS.--546.
"I rise for information," said one of the dullest of the members
of the American Legislature.--"I am very glad to hear it," said
one, who was leaning over the bar; "for no man wants it more than
yourself." Another member rose to speak on the bill to abolish capital
punishments, and commenced by saying, "Mr. Speaker, the generality
of mankind in general are disposed to exercise oppression on the
generality of mankind in general." "You had better stop," said one,
who was sitting near enough to pull him by the coat-tail; "you had
better stop, you are coming out of the same hole you went in at."
HEADY.--547.
A New York paper says that a man the morning after he has been drunk
with wine feels as though he had the rheumatism in every hair of his
head.
SAM SLICK'S GEOLOGY.--548.
The clockmaker says: "I never heard of secondary formations without
pleasure, that's a fact. The ladies, you know, are the secondary
formations, for they were formed after man."
POLITICS.--549.
Politics is nothing more nor less than a race for a prize, a game for
the stakes, a battle for the spoils.--_Dow's Sermons._
GOOD EYESIGHT.--550.
A man down East, describing the prevalence of duelling, summed up
with: "They even fight with daggers in a room _pitch dark_." "Is it
possible?" was the reply. "_Possible_, sir!" returned the Yankee,
"_why I've seen them_."
A KNOWING CONTRABAND.--551.
"Bob," now called Belmont Bob, is the body servant of General
Clernard, and at the battle of Belmont it is said of him that when
the retreat commenced he started for the boats. Reaching the banks,
he dismounted, and slid rapidly down, when an officer, seeing the
action, called out: "Stop, you rascal, and bring along the horse."
Merely looking up as he waded to the plank through the mud, the darky
replied: "Can't 'bey, colonel; major told me to save the most valuable
property, and dis nigger's worf mor'n a horse."
GENERAL GRANT.--552.
When the North American General Grant was about twelve years old, his
father sent him a few miles into the country to buy a horse from a man
named Ralston. The old man told his son to offer Ralston 50 dollars
at first; if he wouldn't take that, to offer 55 dollars, and to go as
high as 60 dollars, if no less would make the purchase. The embryotic
major-general started off with these instructions fully impressed
upon his mind. He called upon Mr. Ralston, and told him he wished to
buy the horse. "How much did your father tell you to give for him?"
was the very natural inquiry from the owner of the steed. "Why," said
young Grant, "he told me to offer you 50 dollars, and if that wouldn't
do to give you 55 dollars, and if you wouldn't take less than 60
dollars to give you that." Of course, 60 dollars was the lowest figure
at which the horse could be parted with.
SNIP.--553.
A tailor from Nantucket exclaimed, on first beholding the Falls of
Niagara, "What an almighty fine place to sponge a coat in!"
BACKWOODS CONVERSATION.--554.
What is the land? Bogs.--The atmosphere? Fogs.--What did you live on?
Hogs.--What were your draught animals? Dogs.--Any fish in the ponds?
Frogs.--What did you find the women? Clogs.--What map did you travel
by? Mogg's.
NO VICES.--555.
Some one was smoking in the presence of the President, and
complimented him on having no vices, neither drinking nor smoking.
"That is a doubtful compliment," answered the President; "I recollect
once being outside a stage in Illinois, and a man sitting by me
offered me a cigar. I told him I had no vices. He said nothing; smoked
for some time; and then grunted out, 'It's my experience that folks
who have no vices have plaguey few virtues.'"
"FIRE AT THE CRISIS."--556.
During one of the battles on the Mississippi, between General Grant's
forces and General Pillow's soldiers, the latter officer called out to
a Capt. Duncan, in his usual pompous, solemn manner: "Captain Duncan,
fire! the crisis has come." Duncan, without saying a word, turned to
his men, who were standing by their guns already shotted and primed,
and simply called out, "Fire!" The men were slightly surprised at
the order, there being no particular object within range, when an old
grey-headed Irish sergeant stepped up with "Plaze, yer honour, what
shall we fire at?" "Fire at the crisis," said Duncan. "Didn't you hear
the general say it had come?"
A SHREWD NIGGER.--557.
"Why don't you enlist, Ginger?" asked a white patriot of a negro.
"Wal, mas'r," replied the contraband, "did yever see two dogs fightin'
for a bone?" "Certainly, Ginger." "Wal, did yever see de bone fight?"
"Not I." "Wal, mas'r, you'se both a fightin', and Ginger's de bone,
an' he's not gwine to fight in this hyar difficulmty."
AN AMERICAN "HELP."--558.
The following amusing description of an American servant we extract
from a letter from New York:--An American "help" is no menial. She is
spoken of, not satirically, but in simple good faith, as "the young
lady" who "picks up" the house and "fixes" the dinner-table. Before
she agrees to enter a family she cross-examines her mistress as to
whether the house is provided with Hecker's flour, and Berbe's range;
brass pails; oil-cloth on the stairs; and hot and cold water laid on.
Then she states the domestic "platform" on which she is prepared to
act. "Monday I bakes; and nobody speaks to me. Tuesday I washes; I'se
to be let alone. Wednesday I irons; you'd best let me be that day.
Thursday I picks up the house; I'm awful ugly that day in temper, but
affectionate. Friday I bakes again. Saturday my beau comes. And Sunday
I has to myself." The "help," I repeat, is a young lady. She attends
lectures, and may some day become a member of a Woman's Rights'
Convention; and it is because she is a young lady, and the persons
who require her assistance do not choose to run the risk of being
driven raving mad by her perversity and her impertinence, that so many
married couples in the United States never venture on housekeeping for
themselves, but live from year's end to year's end in uproarious and
comfortless hotels.
GERMAN WINES.--559.
The _Philadelphia Gazette_ assures its readers that some of the German
wines are as sour as vinegar, and as rough as a file. It is remarked
of the wines of Stuttgard, says this authority, that one is like a cat
scampering down your throat headforemost, and another is like drawing
the same cat back again by its tail.
THE GENERAL NO PATTERN.--560.
A private one day lumbered into the presence of General Thomas and
asked for furlough, adding: "General, I wish to go home to see my
wife." "How long is it since you have seen your wife?" inquired the
General. "Why," answered the soldier, "I have not seen my wife for
over three months." "Three months!" remarked General Thomas, "why,
I haven't seen my wife for over three years!" "Well, that may be,"
rejoined the other, "but you see, General, me and my wife ain't of
that sort." The private got his furlough after that rub.
IT FOLLOWS.--561.
A Yankee pedlar with his cart, overtaking another of his class on
the road, was thus addressed: "Hallo, what do you carry?" "Drugs and
medicines," was the reply. "Good," returned the other, "you may go
ahead; I carry grave-stones."
JOSHUA BILLINGS ON HORSES.--562.
Pedigree iz not important for a fast-trotten' hoss; if he kan trot
fast, never mind the pedigree. Thare iz a grate menny fast men even
who ain't got no pedigree. Thare ain't much art in drivin' a trotten'
hoss; just hold him back hard, and holler him ahead hard, that's awl.
A hoss will trot the fastest down hill, espeshili if the birchin
brakes. Kuller is no kriterior. I have seen awful mean hosses of all
kullers, except green. I never seed a mean one of this kuller. Hosses
live tew an honorabil old age. I often seen them that appeared fully
prepared for deth. Heathens are awlus kind to hosses; it is among
Christian people that a hoss haz to trot three mile heats in a hot
day, for 25,900 dollars counterfeit munny.
AMERICAN CURIOSITY.--563.
"You're from down East, I guess?" said a sharp, nasal voice behind
me. This was a supposition first made in the Portland cars, when I
was at a loss to know what distinguishing and palpable peculiarity
marked me as a "down-easter." Better informed now, I replied, "I
am."--"Going West?" "Yes."--"Travelling alone?" "No."--"Was you raised
down East?" "No, in the Old Country."--"In the little old island?
Well, you're kinder glad to leave it, I guess? Are you a widow?"
"No."--"Are you travelling on business?" "No."--"What business do you
follow?" "None."--"Well, now, what are you travelling for?" "Health
and pleasure."--"Well, now, I guess you're pretty considerable rich.
Coming to settle out West, I suppose?" "No, I'm going back at the end
of the fall."--"Well, now, if that's not a pretty tough hickory-nut! I
guess you Britishers are the queerest critturs as ever was raised!"
YANKEE INQUISITIVENESS.--564.