cucumber seeds in it. Well, sir, I was considerable tired when I had
done it, and so I just took a stretch for it under a great pine-tree,
and took a nap. Stranger! as true as I am talking to you this here
blessed minute, when I woke up, I was bound as tight as a sheep going
to market on a butcher's cart, and tied fast to a tree. I thought I
should never get out of that scrape; the cucumber vines had so grown
and twisted round, and wound me and my legs while I was asleep!
Fortunately, one arm was free, so I got out my jack knife, opened it
with my teeth, and cut myself out, and off for Victoria again, hot
foot. When I came into the town, says our captain to me, "Peabody,
what in natur is that ere great yaller thing that's a sticking out of
your pocket?" "Nothin'," sais I, looking as mazed as a puppy nine days
old, when he first opens his eyes, and takes his first stare. Well, I
put in my hand to feel, and I pulled out a great big ripe cucumber, a
foot long, that had ripened and gone to seed there.--_Sam Slick._
JOHN AND THE WIDDAH.--461.
It a'n't the feed--said the young man John--it's the old woman's looks
when a fellah lays it in too strong. The feed's well enough. After
geese have got tough, 'n' turkeys have got strong, 'n' lamb's got old,
'n' veal's pretty nigh beef, 'n' sparragrass's growin' tall 'n' slim,
'n' scattery about the head, 'n' peas are gettin' so big 'n' hard,
they'd be dangerous if you fired them out of a revolver, we get hold
of all them delicacies of the season. But it's too much like feedin'
on live folks, and devourin' widdah's substance, to lay yourself out
in the eatin' way, when a fellah's as hungry as the chap that said
a turkey was too much for one, 'n' not enough for two. I can't help
lookin' at the old woman. Corned-beef days she's tolerable calm;
roastin'-days she worries some, 'n' keeps a sharp eye on the chap
that carves. But when there's anything in the poultry line, it seems
to hurt her feelin's so to see the knife goin' into the breast, and
joints comin' to pieces, that ther's no comfort in eatin'. When I cut
up an old fowl, and help the boarders, I always feel as if I ought to
say, "Won't you have a slice of widdah?" instead of chicken.--_Oliver
Wendell Holmes._
STRIKING RESEMBLANCE.--462.
An American, speaking of his niggers, said: "Cæsar and Pompey are so
much alike that you can't tell the one from the other, _'specially
Pompey_."
UNDOUBTED COURAGE.--463.
"Sambo, you nigger, are you afraid of work?" "Bress you, massa, I no
'fraid of work; I'll lie down and go asleep close by him side."
A SIMILE.--464.
A jeweller in Philadelphia advertises that he has a number of precious
stones to dispose of, adding that they sparkle like the tears of a
young widow.
FIVE OUTS AND ONE IN.--465.
A poor Yankee, upon being asked the nature of his distress, replied
that he had "five outs and one in:" to wit, "_out_ of money and _out_
of clothes; _out_ at the heels and _out_ at the toes; _out_ of credit,
and _in_ debt."
SAM SLICK'S DESCRIPTION OF A TEETOTALLER.--466.
I once travelled through all the States of Maine with one of them air
chaps. He was as thin as a whippin' post. His skin looked like a blown
bladder, after some of the air has leaked out--kinder wrinkled and
rumpled like; and his eye as dim as a lamp that's livin' on a short
allowance of ile. He put me in mind of a pair of kitchen tongs--all
legs, shaft, and head, and no belly; real gander-gutted lookin'
crittur; as holler as a bamboo walking-cane, and twice as yaller. He
actilly looked as if he had been picked off a raft at sea, and dragged
through a gimlet hole.
ECLIPSING HIMSELF.--467.
A Virginian tavern keeper going down to his wine cellar, by mistake
went down his own throat. He did not discover the error he had
committed until the candle he carried was blown out by the first
inspiration he took. He described it as being very difficult to find
his way up again in the dark.
FAMILIAR ACQUAINTANCE.--468.
An aboriginal American was asked if he had known the Bishop of Quebec?
"Yes, yes." "And how did you like him?" "Oh, vastly!" "But how did you
happen to know him?" "Happen to know him! _Why, I ate a piece of him._"
PRESIDENT LINCOLN'S FIRST POLITICAL SPEECH.--469.
Abraham Lincoln made his first political speech in 1832, when he was a
candidate for the Illinois Legislature. His opponent had wearied the
audience by a long speech, leaving Mr. L. but a short time in which to
present his views. He condensed all he had to say into a few words,
as follows--"Gentlemen, Fellow-citizens: I presume you all know who I
am. I am humble Abraham Lincoln. I have been solicited by many friends
to become a candidate for the Legislature. My politics are short and
sweet, like an old woman's dance. I am in favour of a national bank. I
am in favour of the internal improvement system, and a high protective
tariff. These are my sentiments and political principles. If elected,
I shall be thankful; if not, it will be all the same."
TAKE CARE OF YOUR BAGGAGE.--470.
Travellers should be careful to entrust their baggage to proper
persons only, as a gentleman, not long ago, on alighting from the
train at Washington, entrusted his wife to a stranger, and she has not
been heard of since.
AMERICAN COMPETITION.--471.
It is in the nature of an American, says one, to be always in fear
lest his neighbour should arrive before him. If one hundred Americans
were about to be shot, they would fight for precedence, such are their
habits of competition.
AMERICAN DEFINITIONS.--472.
_Progress of Time._--A pedler going through the land with wooden
clocks.--_Honesty_ (obsolete): A term formerly used in the case of a
man who had paid for his newspapers, and the coat on his back.--_Rigid
Justice_: A juror in a murder case fast asleep.
TWO THINGS UNEXPECTED.--473.
Josh Billings says: "There air 2 things in this wurld for which we air
never fully prepared, and those air twins."
PERPETUAL MOTION.--474.
A New York Paper advertises that the owner of the perpetual motion
lately exhibiting at Boston has absconded without paying the man who
turned the crank in the cellar.
ARTEMUS WARD ON REORGANIZATION.--475.
Artemus Ward, in one of his letters, thus gives his idea of
reorganization:--"I never attempted to reorganize my wife but once.
I shall never attempt it again. I'd bin to a public dinner, and
had allowed myself to be betrayed into drinkin' several people's
health, and wishin' to make 'em as robust as possible, I continued
drinkin' their healths until my own became affected. Consekens was, I
presented myself at Betsy's bedside late at nite, with considerable
licker concealed about my person. I had somehow got perseschum of a
hosswhip on my way home, and rememberin' some cranky observashuns of
Mrs. Ward's in the morin', I snapt the whip putty lively, and in a
very loud voice I said, Betsy--I continued crackin' the whip over the
bed--I have come to reorganize you! I dreamed that nite that sumbody
laid a hosswhip over me sev'ril conseckootive times; and when I woke
up I found _she_ had. I haint drunk much of anythin' since, and if I
ever have another reorganizin' job on hand I shall let it out."
A RECEIPT IN FULL.--476.
A German in New York being required to give a receipt in full, after
much mental effort produced the following:--"I ish full. I wants no
more money. John Swackhammer." Perhaps the sententious Tueton was full
of lager beer.
A SUDDEN DECLARATION.--477.
A young gentleman happening to sit at church in a pew adjoining one
in which sat a young lady, for whom he conceived a sudden and violent
passion, was desirous of entering into a courtship on the spot, but
the place not suiting a formal declaration, the exigency of the case
suggested the following plan:--He politely handed his fair neighbour
a Bible open, with a pin stuck in the following text:--Second Epistle
of John, verse fifth--"And now I beseech thee lady, not as though I
wrote a new commandment unto thee, but that which we had from the
beginning, that we love one another." She returned it pointing to
the second chapter of Ruth, verse tenth--"Then she fell on her face
and bowed herself to the ground, and said unto him 'Why have I found
grace in thine eyes, seeing that I am a stranger?'" He returned the
book, pointing to the thirteenth verse of the Third Epistle of St.
John--"Having many things to write unto you, I would not write with
paper and ink, but I trust to come unto you, and speak face to face,
that our joy may be full." From the above interview a marriage took
place the ensuing week.
A VOCATION.--478.
"You're a loafer--a man without a calling," said a judge to a person
arrested as a vagrant. "I beg your pardon, your honour, I have a
vocation." "What is it?" "I smoke glass for eclipses, but just now it
is our dull season."
MAJOR DOWNING IN LONDON.--479.
The Queen regretted that she could not invite me to stay to dinner,
cause 'twas washin' day in the palace, and they only had a pick-up
dinner.
ANY BETTER THAN NONE.--480.
It may be said generally of husbands, as the old woman said of hers,
who had abused her to an old maid, who reproached her for being such a
fool as to marry him:--"To be sure, he's not so good a husband as he
should be, but he's a _powerful sight_ better than none."
A PRINTER'S TOAST.--481.
At a printer's festival the following sentiment was offered:--"Woman,
second only to the press in the dissemination of news."
WASHINGTON IRVING.--482.
Washington Irving's characteristic was quiet humour; mild enough,
but quaint; as when he said to a gentleman who, in a thunder-storm,
declined to take shelter under a tree, having promised to his father,
who had been once hit, never to do so: "Oh, that makes all the
difference in the world. If it is hereditary, and lightning runs in
the family, you are wise."
QUIZZING A WITNESS.--483.
Chapman, a witty lawyer of Hartford, was busy with a case at which
a lady was present, with whom he had already something to do as a
witness. Her husband was present--a diminutive, meek, forbearing sort
of a man--who, in the language of Mr. Chapman, "looked like a rooster
just fished out of a swill barrel," while the lady was a large portly
woman, evidently the better horse. As on the former occasion, she
baulked on the cross-examination. The lawyer was pressing a question
urgently, when she said, with vindictive fire flashing from her eyes,
"Mr. Chapman, you needn't think to catch me; you tried that once
before!" Putting on his most quizzical expression, he replied, "Madam,
I haven't the slightest desire to catch you, and your husband looks as
if he was sorry he did." The husband faintly smiled assent.
A WITTY AIDE-DE-CAMP.--484.
During the battle of Fredericksburg, the Confederate General Lee
observed one of his aides-de-camp, a very young man, shrink every now
and then, and by the motion of his body, seek to evade, if possible,
the shot. "Sir," said Lee, "what do you mean? Do you think you can
dodge the balls? Do you know that Napoleon lost about a hundred
aides-de-camp in one campaign?" "So I've read," replied the young
officer, "but I did not think you could spare so many."
NATURE AND ART.--485.
A worthy English agriculturist visited the great dinner-table of the
Astor House Hotel, in New York, and took up the bill of fare. His
eye caught up the names of its, to him, unknown dishes:--"Soupe à la
Flamande"--"Soupe à la Creci"--"Langue de Boeuf piquée"--"Pieds de
Cochon à la Ste. Ménéhould"--"Patés de sanglier"--"Patés à la gelée
de volailles"--"Les cannelons de crème glacée." It was too much for
his simple heart, and laying down the scarlet-bound volume in disgust,
he cried to the waiter, "Here, my good man, I shall go back to _first
principles_! Give us some beans and bacon!"
THE PRESIDENT AND THE MARSHAL.--486.
A devoted admirer of honest old Abe makes a very severe conundrum upon
Marshal Kane. "What two characters in scripture remind us of a certain
President in Washington and a certain Marshal in Baltimore?" Give it
up, reader? Certainly! "Wicked Kane and righteous Abe L. (Abel)."
This, of course, is a delicate allusion to the sons of Adam, who must
have been Ameri-cains, since they went to fighting so soon about
nothing.
INSINUATING REJOINDER.--487.
"Why don't you get married?" said a young lady to a bachelor
acquaintance who was on a visit. "I have been trying for the last ten
years to find some one who would be silly enough to take me, and have
not yet succeeded," was the reply. "Then you haven't been down our
way," was the insinuating rejoinder.
STYLING THE FIRM.--488.
"John, my son," said a doting father, who was about taking him
into business, "what shall be the style of the new firm?"--"Well,
governor," said the youth, "I don't know--but suppose we have it
John H. Samplin and Father?" The old gentleman was struck with the
originality of the idea, but didn't adopt it.
A REMARKABLE CHAMBER-MAID.--489.
A notice in an American newspaper of a steamboat explosion ended as
follows:--"The captain swam ashore; so did the chamber-maid. She was
insured for 15,000 dollars, and loaded with iron."
SAVING THE TRUTH.--490.
"Do you mean to insinuate that I lie, sir?" exclaimed a
fierce-looking, mustachioed gentleman to a raw Yankee, who hinted some
slight scepticism as to one of his toughest statements. "No, mister,
not at all--only it kind o' strikes me that you are 'tarnal savin' of
truth."
NIGGER EXPLANATION.--491.
"Where is the hoe, Sambo?"--"Wid de rake, massa."--"Well, where is the
rake?"--"Wid de hoe."--"But where are they both?"--"Why, bof togeder.
By golly, old massa, you 'pears to be berry 'ticular dis mornin'."
A JEW D'ESPRIT.--492.
Mr. Noah, a Jew, was a candidate for the office of sheriff of the city
of New York, and it was objected to his election that a Jew would thus
come to have the hanging of Christians. "Pretty Christians, indeed,"
remarked Noah, "to need hanging!"
CUFF'S CABIN.--493.
A gentleman riding through Virginia was overtaken by a violent
thunder-storm. He took shelter in a negro's cabin, and found the water
streaming through many crevices in the roof. "Why don't you mend your
roof, Cuff?" he asked. "Oh, um rain so, maussa, 'can't," said the
negro. "But why don't you mend it when it doesn't rain?" asked the
gentleman. "Yah, maussa," said the negro, with a grin, "den um dohn
want mendin'."
SMALL WAISTS AND TIGHT LACING.--494.
"MY dear girls," said the preacher, "I like to see a small
waist as well as anybody, and females with hour-glass shapes suit my
fancy better than your Dutch-churn, soap-barrel, slab-sided sort of
figures; but I don't want to give the credit to corsets."--_Dow's
Sermons._
THACKERAY AND THE PIRATE'S DAUGHTER.--495.
Shortly after his first landing in America, Thackeray was invited to
dinner by one of the Messrs. Harper, the well-known publishing firm,
whose magazine, _Harper's Monthly_, is a deliberate compilation from
all the best English periodicals. On his introduction to Mr. Harper,
Thackeray had joked with him on the American contempt for copyright;
and when he went into the drawing-room he took a little girl, whom
he found playing there, on his knee, and gazing at her with feigned
wonder, said in solemn tones, "And this is a pirate's daughter!"
GENERAL MEADE TO GENERAL LEE.--496.
The following lines were found in a Confederate soldier's note-book,
on the camping-ground near Breckenridge's head-quarters, before
Washington, July 17, 1864:--
Quoth Meade to Lee--
Can you tell me,
In the shortest style of writing,
When people will
Get their fill
Of this big job of fighting?
Quoth Lee to Meade--
Why, yes, indeed,
I'll tell you in a minute:
When legislators
And speculators
Are made to enter in it.
ADOPTING THE OTHER COURSE.--497.
The following advertisement appears in a California paper:--"Wanted,
by a blackguard, employment of any kind, temporary or otherwise. The
advertiser having hitherto conducted himself as a gentleman, and
signally failed, of which his hopeless state of impecuniosity is the
best proof, is induced to adopt the other course, in the hope that
he may meet with better success. No objection to up country. Terms
moderate."
A WHALE AT PEAS.--498.
The dinner was a capital one, and Judge Tips played an excellent knife
and fork. A dish of peas came round, the last of the marrowfats; the
latest peas of summer. I am very fond of peas, and was rejoiced to
see my favourites once again; and I anxiously awaited their arrival.
Miss Tips, Miss Julia Tips, and Tips _mère_, as the French would say,
had each taken a decorous spoonful from the flying dish, and now
the black waiter was offering the delicacy to Tips himself, enough
being left for five persons, at least. What was my horror to behold
the judge deliberately monopolize the whole--sweep, as I live, every
pea into his own plate--and then turning to me, with a greasy smile,
remark: "I guess, stranger, I'm a whale at peas."
A TEARFUL RESPONSE.--499.
"Does the razor take hold well?" inquired a barber, who was shaving a
gentleman from the country. "Yes," replied the customer, with tears in
his eyes, "it takes hold first-rate, but it don't let go very easily."
A PRETENDED PELHAM.--500.
A gentleman crossing one of the New York ferries was accosted by
one of those peripatetic vendors of cheap literature and weekly
newspapers, who are to be found in shoals about such public places,
with "Buy Bulwer's last work, sir? Only two shillin'." The gentleman,
willing to have a laugh with the urchin, said: "Why, I am Bulwer,
myself!" Off went the lad, and whispering to another at a distance,
excited his wonderment at the information he had to impart. Eyeing the
pretended author of "Pelham" with a kind of awe, he approached him
timidly, and, holding out a pamphlet, said, modestly: "Buy the 'Women
of England,' sir? You're not Mrs. Ellis, are you?" Of course, the
proposed sale was effected.
DINNER, BUT NO BREAKFAST.--501.
A gentleman was stopping at the plantation of a friend in Georgia,
and for his benefit a social fishing party was got up to go to some
river, a few hours' drive in the country. The party made a very early
start in the morning, and it so happened that a venerable old "uncle"
of extreme African descent, who was selected to drive them out, missed
his breakfast in the hurry and bustle of departure. This disagreeable
circumstance rendered the old darky very crusty and melancholy during
the entire morning; but at early noon the party adjourned to a country
tavern on the river bank, and had a good dinner, and the old "general"
was not slow to seek some alimentary compensation for the loss of
his matin meal. It was taken for granted that the old gent's good
humour would be restored by the dinner, but it was soon noticed that
he continued to remain "blue" and sorrowful, and, being surprised
thereat, his master asked him why he was still so cross, since he had
had so good a dinner. The old darky replied: "Yes, massa, me know I'se
had me dinnah, but me habn't had no brekfuss yet, nohow."
THE LOAFER'S HAT.--502.
"I say, John, where did you get that loafer's hat?" "Please your
honour," said John, "it's an old one of yours, that missus gave me
yesterday, when you were in town."
THE DEBT OF NATURE.--503.
An impertinent editor in Alabama, says a paper, wants to know when we
"intend to pay 'the debt of Nature?'" We are inclined to think that
when Nature gets her dues from him it will be by an _execution_.
A BLACK BULL.--504.
At a coloured ball the following notice was posted on the
door-post:--"Tickets, fifty cents. No gemmen admitted unless he comes
himself."
A NEW DISH.--505.
Pete Johnson was a tall, green, raw-boned country negro, and knew
nothing of city life or polished society. Recently he became tired
of tilling the soil by the month, journeyed to the metropolis, and
let himself as a waiter on board a steamer which plies up and down
the Sound on the New York, Norwich, and Boston line. As is customary
with new waiters, in order to train them to ease, and give them the
necessary polish and experience, he was required at first to attend
the officers' tables exclusively. But one evening, after a few weeks'
service, there came a great rush of passengers, and, of course, the
supper-room was thronged. Pete was sent to the public tables for the
first time. He got along very well until a guest called for an omelet.
This was a new dish to the green waiter, but he thought he understood
the order correctly, and with his usual gravity, stepped up to the
kitchen door and cried out, "An almanac!"
THE LAST COMPLIMENT.--506.
A story is told of a very polite sheriff and a very polite criminal.
"Sir," said the culprit, as the sheriff was carefully adjusting
the rope, "really your attention deserves my thanks; in fact, I do
not know anybody I should rather have hang me." "Really," said the
sheriff, "you are pleased to be complimentary. I do not know of
another individual it would give me so much pleasure to hang."
PRECEPT AND PRACTICE.--507.
Dr. Channing had a brother a physician, and at one time they both
dwelt in Boston. A countryman was in search of the doctor. The
following dialogue ensued:--"Does Dr. Channing live here?"--"Yes,
sir." "Can I see him?"--"I am he." "Who, you?"--"Yes, sir." "You
must have altered considerably since I heard you preach."--"Heard me
preach?" "Certainly! you are the Dr. Channing that preaches, ain't
you?"--"Oh! I see you are mistaken now; 'tis my brother who preaches;
I'm the doctor who practises."
A FAIR RETORT.--508.
Mr. Cobden, in one of his speeches, said that he once asked an
enthusiastic American lady why her country could not rest satisfied
with the immense unoccupied territories it already possesses, but
must ever be lusting after the lands of its neighbours. Her somewhat
remarkable reply was, "Oh! the propensity is a very bad one, I admit;
but we came honestly by it, for we inherited it from you."
DR. FRANKLIN.--509.
The town of Franklin, in Massachusetts, was named in honour of
Benjamin Franklin, the printer philosopher. While in France, a
gentleman in Boston wrote to him of the fact, and added, that as the
town was building a meeting-house, perhaps he would give them a bell.
Franklin wrote the characteristic reply, that he presumed that the
good people of F. would prefer sense to sound, and therefore he would
give them a library. This he did, and the library is now in good
condition, and has been of great service to the intelligent people of
that pleasant town.
REASONABLE INSTINCT.--510.
A dog, which had lost the whole of her interesting family, was seen
trying to poke a piece of crape through the handle of the door of one
of the sausage shops in this city.
DANIEL WEBSTER'S COURTSHIP.--511.
The manner of Daniel Webster's engagement to Miss Fletcher is thus
pleasantly described by a letter writer:--"He was then a young lawyer.
At one of his visits to Miss Grace Fletcher he had, probably with a
view of utility and enjoyment, been holding skeins of silk thread
for her, when suddenly he stopped, saying, 'Grace, we have thus been
engaged in untying knots, let us see if we can tie a knot; one which
will not untie for a lifetime.' He then took a piece of tape, and
after beginning a knot of a peculiar kind gave it her to complete.
This was the ceremony and ratification of their engagement. And now
in the little box marked by him with the words 'precious documents,'
containing the letters of his early courtship, this unique memorial is
still to be found--the knot never untied."
PRESENTED AT COURT.--512.
An American who had returned from Europe, told his friend that he had
been presented at the court there. "Did you see the Queen?" asked one.
"Well, no, I didn't see her zacly, but I seed one of her friends--a
judge. Yer see," he continued, "the court I was presented at happened
to be the Central Criminal Court."
CRITICAL.--513.
A Western critic, in speaking of a new play, says:--"The unities are
admirably observed; the dulness, which commences with the first act,
never flags for a moment until the curtain falls."
HARD FEATHERS.--514.
An American sitting on a very hard seat in a railway carriage, said,
"Wal, they tell me these here cushions air stuffed with feathers.
They may have put the feathers in 'em, but darn me if _I don't think
they've left the fowls in too_!"
SNORING IN CHURCH.--515.
The _Boston Bee_ contains the following polite hint:--"Deacon ---- is
requested not to commence snoring in church to-morrow morning until
after the commencement of the sermon, as several of the congregation
are anxious to hear the text."
PROFESSOR EVERETT AND JUDGE STORY.--516.
Professor Everett, once the American ambassador to this country, was
entertained at a public dinner before leaving Boston. Judge Story gave
as a sentiment--"Genius is sure to be welcome where Ever-ett goes."
Everett responded--"Law, Equity, and Jurisprudence: no efforts can
raise them above one Story."
LOVE-LETTER INK.--517.