Cincinnati, became somewhat elevated by sundry "drinks," but, as good
luck would have it, found a boat at the wharf, and was quickly on his
way. Soon after leaving the wharf, a man came round for his fare.
Horrall handed him out a five-dollar bill, and received four dollars
and ninety-five cents in change. He rammed it into his pocket-book
with great eagerness, supposing the clerk had made a mistake. That
done, he leaned back into his chair and fell asleep. A little while
and he was plucked awake by the same man, who again demanded fare.
"Discovered the mistake," holding out a handful of change. The man,
as before, took only five cents, and Horrall again went into a doze.
Ere he had got fairly into dreaming of home and friends far away,
around came the collector again, and thus it went on for a long time.
At last Horrall thought it very inconvenient, and concluded to vote
the collector a nuisance, and give him a bit of advice besides; so
he said: "Is (hic) this a da-n-ger (hic) ous (hic) bo-boat?" "By no
means," said the man. "Bran new." "Then, by gummy, (hic) why do (hic)
don't you collect all the fa (hic) hair at once--not bo-bother a fel
(hic) heller for it every mile as it comes due?" "Really," said the
man, "where do you think you are going?" "Cincin (hic) hinnati," said
Horrall. "Cincinnati," said the polite conductor, "why you must be
sadly out of your reckoning. This is the ferry-boat, and all this
afternoon you have been riding to and fro between New Albany and
Portland."
WHOSE FAULT WAS IT?--411.
A preacher stopped short in a pulpit; it was in vain that he scratched
his head--nothing would come out. "My friends," said he, as he walked
quietly down the pulpit stairs, "my friends, I pity you, for you have
lost a fine discourse."
A MODEST LINENDRAPER.--412.
A dealer in ready-made linen advertises his shirts and chemisettes
under the mellifluous appellation of "Male and Female Envelopes."
GONE HOME.--413.
One of the Richmond papers thus pleasantly announces the death of a
newspaper man in the Libby prison:--"A Yankee reporter gone home to
write up his reports by the fire."
AN INCIDENT AND AN EPIGRAM.--414.
It chanced one evening, at one of the great hotels, that a gentleman,
seeking in vain for a candle with which to light himself to his room
at a late hour, passed a young lady who had two candles, of which she
politely offered him one. He took it and thanked her, and the next
morning acknowledged the courtesy in the following epigram. Luckily
for the poet (for his epigram would otherwise have been pointless),
the young lady was as handsome as she was polite:--
"You gave me a candle: I give you my thanks,
And add--as a compliment justly your due--
There isn't a girl in these feminine ranks
Who could, if she tried, hold a candle to you!"
JUST GOT MARRIED.--415.
The following amusing incident took place upon one of the Ohio river
steamboats:--While the boat was lying at Cincinnati, just ready to
start for Louisville, a young man came on board, leading a blushing
damsel by the hand, and approaching the polite clerk, in a suppressed
voice; "I say," he exclaimed, "me and my wife have just got married,
and I'm looking for accommodations." "Looking for a berth?" hastily
inquired the clerk--passing tickets out to another passenger. "A
_birth_! thunder and lightning, no!" gasped the astonished man; "_we
ha'nt but just got married_; we want a place to stay all night, you
know, and--and a bed."
KIND AND SYMPATHETIC.--416.
"What is the matter, my dear?" asked a wife of her husband, who had
sat half an hour with his face buried in his hands, and apparently
in great tribulation. "Oh, I don't know," said he; "I have felt like
a fool all day." "Well," returned the wife, consolingly, "I'm afraid
you'll never be any better--you look the picture of what you feel!"
HUMAN NATURE.--417.
Some wise man sagely remarked, "there is a good deal of human nature
in man." It crops out occasionally in boys. One of the urchins in the
school-ship _Massachusetts_, who was quite sick, was visited by a kind
lady. The little fellow was suffering acutely, and his visitor asked
him if she could do anything for him. "Yes," replied the patient,
"read to me." "Will you have a story?" asked the lady. "No," answered
the boy; "read from the Bible; read about Lazarus;" and the lady
complied. The next day the visit was repeated, and again the boy asked
the lady to read. "Shall I read from the Bible?" she inquired. "Oh,
no," was the reply, "I'm better to-day; _read me a love story_."
A YOUNG LADY'S SACRIFICE.--418.
A young lady has been heard to declare that she couldn't go to fight
for the country, but she was willing to allow the young men to go,
and die an _old maid_, which she thought was as great a sacrifice as
_anybody_ could be called upon to make!
POETRY AND PROSE.--419.
A country editor, referring to Tupper's line, "A babe in the house is
a well-spring of pleasure," says, "If it is we prefer to get water
from the pump."
DANIEL WEBSTER AND HIS BILLS.--420.
Our readers are aware that the late Hon. Daniel Webster was not so
careful in his pecuniary matters as some men, and this fault was at
times taken advantage of. At one time a man sawed a pile of wood
for him, and, having presented his bill, it was promptly paid by
Mr. Webster. The labourer was taken ill during the winter, and a
neighbour advised him to call upon Mr. Webster for the payment of his
bill. "But he has paid me," said the man. "No matter," replied his
dishonest adviser, "call again with it. He don't know, and don't mind
what he pays. It is a very common thing for him to pay much larger
bills twice." The man got well, and carried in his account the second
time. Mr. Webster looked at it, looked at the man, remembered him, but
paid the bill without demurring. The fellow got "short" some three
of four months afterwards, and bethought him of the generosity and
loose manner of Mr. Webster in his money matters, and a third time
he called and presented the bill for sawing the wood. Mr. Webster
took the account, which he immediately recognized, and, scanning the
wood-sawyer a moment, said: "How do you keep your books, sir?" "I keep
no books" said the man, abashed. "I think you do, sir," continued Mr.
Webster, with marked emphasis; "and you excel those who are satisfied
with the double-entry system. You keep your books upon a triple-entry
plan, I observe." Tearing up the account, Mr. Webster added: "Go, sir,
and be honest hereafter. I have no objection to paying these little
bills twice, but I cannot pay them three times. You may retire." The
man left the room, feeling as though he was suffocating for want of
air. He had learned a lesson that lasted through life.
KEEPING A SECRET.--421.
Of the descendants of the Pilgrims there once lived an old man,
who, unlike nearly all his brethren, had no particular respect for
the clergy. Going his accustomed rounds one day, he met a reverend
gentleman, who, after a few casual remarks on worldly topics, thus
addressed him:--"Mr. Brown, you have lived long; very few attain your
age. Would it not be the part of wisdom to attend to your soul's
concerns immediately? Really, it would rejoice my soul to see you at
the eleventh hour become a praying Christian." "Well, now, Parson
Hoyt, my Bible tells me to pray in secret." "Ah, well--yes--but _do_
you pray in secret?" "Why, now, Parson Hoyt, you know if I should tell
you, 'twouldn't be any secret, anyhow."
MOST TOO SUDDEN.--422.
An old lady, a resident of Providence, who had never ridden in the
cars, was persuaded, by the combined efforts of the children, James
and Mary, to accompany them on an excursion, she all the time saying
that she knew something would happen. She took her seat with fear and
trembling, taking hold of the arm of the seat next the passage-way.
The train was late, as excursion trains are usually, and in coming
round a curve the Boston express train was on the same track, both
nearing each other faster than was pleasant. The momentum of each
train was nearly lost, and they came together with a chuck, which
pitched the old lady on her face in the passage-way between the seats.
She rose to her hands, and, looking back, asked: "_Jeems, do they
allus stop like that?_"
"ANY RELATIONS?"--423.
The man who collects the names of soldiers for the town records of
Adams was recently the questioner in the following conversation, the
lady of the house replying:--"Have you any friends in the war, madam?"
"No, sir." "Any relations?" "No, sir." "Do you know anybody from this
neighbourhood who is in the army?" "No, sir." As he was leaving, a
bright thought struck her, and she rushed to the door, exclaiming:
"Oh, my husband has gone to the war!"
DIDN'T CARE THEN IF HE DID.--424.
A gentleman from Boston chanced to find himself among a little party
of ladies away down East this summer, in the enjoyment of some
innocent social play. He carelessly placed his arm about the slender
waist of as pretty a damsel as Maine can boast of, when she started,
and exclaimed: "Begone, sir; don't insult me!" The gentleman instantly
apologized for his seeming rudeness, and assured the half-offended
fair one that he did not mean to insult her. "No?" she replied,
archly. "Well, if you didn't, you may do it again."
NO JUSTICE IN THAT COURT.--425.
A villanous specimen of humanity was brought into the Police Court
before Justice Cole, of Albany, charged with having brutally
assaulted his wife. The charge was substantiated in the clearest and
most positive manner, and exhibited the most heartless cruelty on the
husband's part. On his examination before the Justice, he had a good
deal to say about "getting justice." "Justice!" exclaimed Squire Cole,
"you can't get it here. This court has no power to hang you!"
SENSATIONS OF A DOWN-EASTER.--426.
It has been truly said that "we reckon the progress of our lives by
sensations, not years," and an anecdote related by a friend very
happily illustrates the truth of the maxim. A young man "down East"
was asked his age; to which he answered--"Wal, I don't know exactly,
but I have had the seven year itch three times."
CHANGES.--427.
A young lady, in a class studying physiology, made answer to a
question put, that in six years a human body became entirely changed,
so that not a particle which was in it at the commencement of the
period would remain at the close of it. "Then, Miss L.," said the
young tutor, "in six years you will cease to be Miss L.?" "Why, yes,
sir, I suppose so," said she, very modestly looking at the floor.
LONGFELLOW AND LONGWORTH.--428.
One of the happiest witticisms on record is related by the Boston
correspondent of the _Cincinnati Gazette_:--"I heard the other day of
a _bon mot_ made by Longfellow, the poet. Young Mr. Longworth, from
your city, being introduced to him, some one present remarked upon the
similarity of the first syllable of the two names. 'Yes,' said the
poet, 'but in this case I fear Pope's line will apply:--
"_Worth_ makes the man, the want of it the _fellow_."'"
NOVEL PROPOSITION.--429.
It is proposed to light the streets of a Western city with red-headed
girls. In noticing the fact, a contemporary says, he'd like to play
tipsy every night, and hang hold of the lamp-posts.
INTERESTING ANNOUNCEMENT.--430.
It is with feelings too deep for utterance, and a sense of obligation
overwhelming, and of worldly consequence never before experienced,
and with a heartfelt ecstacy heretofore not even dreamed of, that the
junior editor of this paper announces to his friends, and the rest of
mankind, that a son was born unto him on the morning of Friday last. A
general reprieve is granted to all political offenders, and an earnest
appeal made to those in pecuniary arrears to liquidate at the earliest
convenience, as the young gentleman must be fed and clothed.
EXCUSE FOR DRINKING.--431.
A lady made her husband a present of a silver drinking cup, with an
angel at the bottom; and when she filled it for him he used to drink
it to the bottom, and she asked him why he drank every drop. "Because,
duckey," he said, "I long to see the dear little angel." Upon which
she had the angel taken out, and had a devil engraved at the bottom;
and he drank it off just the same, and she again asked him the reason.
"Why," replied he, "because I won't leave the old devil a drop."
TIGHT-FISTED.--432.
The account comes to us of a young man who attends church regularly,
and clasps his hands so tight during praying time that he can't get
them open when the contribution box comes round.
EDITORS' WIVES WIELDING THE BROOM.--433.
An editor says his attention was first drawn to matrimony by the
skilful manner in which a pretty girl handled a broom. A brother
editor says the manner in which his wife handles a broom is not so
very pleasing.
THE WRONG WOMAN.--434.
A Jersey man was lately arrested for flogging a woman, and excused the
act by saying he was near-sighted, and thought it was his wife.
A JOKE BY THE PRESIDENT.--435.
"How do you do, Mr. Lincoln?" "Well, that reminds me of a story. As
the labourer said to the bricklayer, after falling through the roof
and rafters of an unfinished house, I have gone through a great deal
since you saw me last."
WISE LAWS--BY SAM SLICK.--436.
If a woman was to put a Bramah lock on her heart, a skilful man would
find his way into it, if he wanted to, I know. That contrivance is set
to a particular word; find the letters that compose it, and it opens
at once.
If a man's sensibility is all in his palate, he can't, of course, have
much in his heart.
I tell you what, President, says I, seein' is believin', but it aint
them that stare the most who see the best always.
Thunderin' long words aint wisdom, and stopping a critter's mouth is
more apt to improve his wind than his onderstandin'.
Swapping facts is better than swapping horses any time.
Providence requires three things of us before it will help us--a stout
heart, a strong arm, and a stiff upper lip.
Hope is a pleasant acquaintance, but an unsafe friend. It'll do on
a pinch for a travellin' companion, but he is not the man for your
banker.
"Don't care" won't bear friendship for fruit, and "don't know, I'm
sure," won't ripen it.
What a pity it is marryin' spoils courtin'.
There's no pinnin' up a woman in a corner, unless she wants to be
caught, that's a fact.
Consait grows as nateral as the hair on one's head, but it's longer in
comin' out.
People have no right to make fools of themselves, unless they have no
relations to blush for them.
It 'aint every change that's a reform, that's a fact, and reforms
'aint always improvements.
Blushin' for others is the next thing to taking a kicking from them.
A DOUBLE DIFFICULTY.--437.
An anti-slavery man says what the Southern Confederacy wants is the
capitol, and what they can't get to take it with is the capital.
WITH A QUILL.--438.
A Mr. Hen has started a new paper in Iowa. He says he hopes by hard
scratching to make a living for himself and his little chickens.
DOUBTFUL.--439.
After asking your name in the State of Arkansas, the natives are in
the habit of saying, in a confidential tone, "Well, now, what war yer
name before yer moved to these parts?"
THE LETTER S.--440.
A writer says the Americans will always have more cause to remember
the S than any other letter in the alphabet, because it is the
beginning of secession, and the end of Jeff. Davis.
NONSENSE ABOUT LOVE.--441.
What nonsense people talk about love, don't they? Sleepness nights,
broken dreams, beatin' hearts, pale faces, a pinin' away to shaders,
fits of absence, loss of appetite, narvous flutterin's, and all that.
I haven't got the symptoms, but I'll swear to the disease. Folks take
this talk, I guess, from poets; and they are miserable, mooney sort of
critters; half mad and whole lazy, who would rather take a day's dream
than a day's work any time, and catch rhymes as niggers catch flies,
to pass time; hearts and darts; cupid and stupid; purlin' streams and
pulin' dreams, and so on. It's all bunkum!--_Sam Slick._
WONDERFUL.--442.
An exchange, recording the fall of a person into the river, says:--"It
is a wonder he escaped with his life." Prentice says: "Wouldn't it
have been a still greater wonder if he had escaped without it?"
HARD UP.--443.
Jersey man (entering a dentist's store): "Air yeou a doctor,
sir?"--Dentist: "Yes. Can I do anything for you?"--Jersey man: "Wall,
no; I guess not in the way of physic. I've jest called to see if yeou
don't want to buy some real, genuine, sound teeth?"--Dentist: "Well,
I might want them; have you many?"--Jersey man: "I calkilate I can't
say I have more'n a few, myself; but our Sal sez she has got some
she'll sell, if I can strike a good bargain."--Dentist, having thought
for some time, names a price, and the countryman consents.--Jersey
man (taking a seat, and coolly spreading himself out): "Wall, I
guess yeou may draw a dozen for the present, and I'll bring Sal
to-morrow."--Dentist (looking aghast): "Why, you don't mean to sell
your own teeth? They're of no use to me."--Jersey man: "Why, look
here, they're no airthly use to Sal and me; for what's the use of
teeth when one's nothing to eat?"
MILITARY TACTICS.--444.
The stratagems resorted to by the soldiers at Cairo, to smuggle liquor
into their quarters, were often amusing. One day a man started out
with his coffee-pot for milk. On his return, an officer suspecting him
to have whisky in his can, wished to examine it, and the man satisfied
him by pouring out milk. At night there was a general drunk in that
soldier's quarters, ending in a fight. It was at last discovered that
the man had put a little milk into the spout of his can, sealing the
inside with bread, and filling the can with whisky.
SETTLING THE WINE BILL.--445.
An officer staying at a hotel in Washington, on asking for his bill
one morning, found that a quart of wine was charged when he had but a
pint. He took exceptions to the item. Landlord was incorrigible: said
there never was any mistake about the wine bills. Officer paid it, and
went to his room to pack his carpet-bag. Having made purchases, his
bag was too full to let in an extra pair of boots. Landlord was sent
for--came. Says the officer, "I can't get these boots into this d----d
bag."--Landlord: "If you can't, I am sure I can't."--Officer: "Yes you
can; for a man who can put a quart of wine into a pint bottle can put
these boots into that bag." Landlord laughed heartily, cancelled the
whole bill, and returned the amount.
SMILES.--446.
What a sight there is in that word--smile; for it changes colour
like a chameleon. There's a vacant smile, a cold smile, a smile of
approbation, a friendly smile; but, above all, a smile of love. A
woman has two smiles that an angel might envy--the smile that accepts
the lover before words are uttered, and the smile that lights on the
first-born baby, and assures him of a mother's love.--_Sam Slick._
FORLORN HOPE.--447.
An old maid, who had her eye a little sideways on matrimony,
says:--"The curse of this war is, that it will make so many widows,
who will be fierce to get married, and who know how to do it. Modest
girls will stand no chance at all."
ARTISTIC EXECUTION.--448.
A man out West, who had a brother hanged, informed his friends in the
East that his "brother on a recent occasion addressed a large public
meeting, and just as he finished, the platform on which he stood gave
way, and he fell and broke his neck."
TALKING MATCH.--449.
A talking match lately came off for five dollars a side. It continued
for thirteen hours, the rivals being a Frenchman and a Kentuckian. The
bystanders and judges were talked to sleep, and when they awoke in the
morning they found the Frenchman dead, and the Kentuckian whispering
in his ear.
KISSING BY PROXY.--450.
One of the deacons of a certain church in Virginia asked the Bishop
if he usually kissed the bride at weddings? "Always," was the reply.
"And how do you manage when the happy pair are negroes?" was the
next question. "In all such cases," replied the Bishop, "the duty of
kissing the lady is appointed to the deacons."
EFFECTIVE REMONSTRANCE.--451.
One of the boys at Camp Noble, Indiana, was put on guard one night,
and reported to his captain in the morning that "He was abused by
a fellow because he would not allow him to pass." "Well," said the
captain, "what did you do?" "Do? why I remonstrated with him." "And to
what effect?" "Well, I don't know to what effect, but the barrel of my
gun is bent."
LATEST DOG STORY.--452.
Two dogs fell to fighting in a saw-mill. In the course of the tustle
one dog went plump against a saw in rapid motion, which cut him in two
instanter. The hind legs ran away, but the fore legs continued the
fight, and whipped the other dog.
A NOTE BY THE EDITOR.--453.
The editor of a Western paper owes a bank about 1000 dollars, for
which they hold his note. The defaulting wag announces it thus
in his paper:--"There is a large collection of the autographs of
distinguished individuals deposited for safe keeping in the cabinet of
the Farmers and Merchants' Bank, each accompanied with a 'note' in the
handwriting of the autographist. We learn that they have cost the bank
a great deal of money. They paid over a thousand dollars of ours. We
hope great care is taken to preserve those capital and _interest_-ing
relics, as, should they be lost, we doubt whether they could be easily
collected again. Should the bank, however, be so unfortunate as to
lose ours, we'll let them have another at half price, in consequence
of the very hard times."
DISCONSOLATE.--454.
A disconsolate widower, seeing the remains of his late wife lowered
into the grave, exclaimed, with tears in his eyes, "Well, I've lost
hogs, and I've lost cows, but I never had anything that cut me up like
this."
INDUCEMENT UNNECESSARY.--455.
They say that woman caused man to commit his first sin. But if she
hadn't induced him to sin in eating, no doubt he would very soon have
sinned of his own accord in drinking.
PRETENCE.--456.
Pretend you know, and half the time, if it aint as good as knowin',
it will sarve the same purpose. Many a feller looks fat who is only
swelled, as the Germans say.--_Sam Slick._
"OPEN THY CUPBOARD TO ME."--457.
All lonely and drear is the street, love;
The "watch" is asleep on his "beat," love,
And I'm dying for something to eat, love;
So open thy cupboard to me.
Get up from that warm feather bed, love,
And bake us a cone of "corn bread," love,
For I wish very much to be fed, love;
So open thy cupboard to me.
Oh, hasten thy lover to cram, love,
With a slice of cold turkey or ham, love,
For deucedly hungry I am, love;
So open thy cupboard to me.
The stars are beginning to "wink," love;
'Tis the hour for "snacks" and for "drink," love.
You've a jug of old whisky, I think, love;
So open thy cupboard to me.
The moon will be down before long, love,
And the "night-bird" is singing his song, love;
How plainly he says "mix it strong," love,
And open thy cupboard to me.
My feet are all wet with the dew, love,
And there's nothing so nice as "hot stew," love:
Then get up and make it, pray do, love,
And open thy cupboard to me.
The chickens are crowing for day, love,
And I must soon hurry away, love;
Then list to thy lover's last lay, love,
And open thy cupboard to me.
NATUR'S BALANCES.--458.
Them that have more than their share of one thing, commonly have less
of another. Where there is great strength, there 'aint apt to be much
gumption. A handsome man, in a gineral way, 'aint much of a man. A
beautiful bird seldom sings. Them that have genius have seldom common
sense. A feller with one idea grows rich, while he who calls him a
fool dies poor. The world is like a baked meat pie; the upper crust is
rich, dry, and puffy; the lower crust is heavy, doughy, and underdone;
the middle is not bad generally, but the smallest part of all is that
which flavours the whole.--_Sam Slick._
AN EPIGRAM ON PRESIDENT LINCOLN.--459.
_By the Manes of the Murdered Murray._
Abe L. is an able President,
His mind has a mighty reach;
Search all our cities and marts,
You won't find a man with better parts,
Excepting his parts of speech!
AMERICAN SOIL--ITS NATURAL RICHNESS.--460.