congregation met, and raised his wages from three to four hundred
dollars a-year. Well, it nearly set him crazy; it bothered him so he
could hardly sleep. So, after church was over the next Sunday, he
said, "My dear brethren, I hear you have raised my salary to four
hundred dollars. I am greatly obliged to you for your kindness, but I
can't think of taking it on no account. First, you can't afford it,
no how you can fix it, and I know it. Secondly, I ain't worth it, and
you know it; and, thirdly, I am nearly tired to death collecting my
present income. If I have to dun the same way for that it will kill
me. I can't stand it; I shall die. No, no, pay me what you allow me
more punctually, and it is all I ask, or will ever receive."--_Sam
Slick._
ARTEMUS WARD TO THE PRINCE OF WALES.--372.
"Friend Wales,--You remember me. I saw you in Canada a few years
ago. I remember you, too. I seldim forgit a person. I hearn of
your marriage to the Princess Alexandry, & ment ter writ you a
congreetoolatory letter at the time, but I've bin bilding a barn this
summer, & hain't had no time to write letters to folks. Excoos me. We
hain't got any daily paper in our town, but we've got a female sewin
circle, which answers the same purpuss. Numeris changes has tooken
place since we met in the body politic. The body politic, in fack, is
sick. I sumtimes think it has got biles, friend Wales. In my country
we've got a war, while your country manetanes a nootral position! Yes,
sir, we've got a war, and the troo Patrit has to make sacrifisses.
I have alreddy given two cousins to the war, and I stand reddy to
sacrifiss my wife's brother rather'n not see the rebelyin krusht.
And if wuss cums to wuss I'll shed ev'ry drop of blud my able-bodied
relatiens has got to prosekoot the war. I think somebody oughter be
prosekooted, & it may as well be the war as anybody else. My object
in now addressin' you is to give you sum adwice, friend Wales, about
managin' your wife, a bizness I've had over thirty years' experience
in. You had a good weddin. The papers hav a good deal to say about
'vikins' in connection tharewith. Not knowing what that air, and so
I frankly tells you, my noble lord dook, I can't 'zactly say whether
we had 'em or not. We was both very much flustrated. But I never
enjoyed myself better in my life. Dowtless, your supper was ahead of
our'n. As regards eatin' uses Baldinsville was allers shaky. But you
can git a good meal in New York, and cheap, too. You can git half a
mackrill at Delmonico's or Mr. Mason Dory's, for six dollars, and a
biled pertaters throwd in. I manidge my wife without any particler
trouble. When I fust commenst trainin' her I institooted a series of
experiments, and them as didn't work I abanding'd. You had better do
similer. There's varis ways of managin' a wife, friend Wales, but the
best and only safe way is to let her do jist about as she wants to.
I 'dopted that there plan sum time ago, and it works like a charm.
Remember me kindly to Mrs. Wales. As yehrs roll by, and accidents
begin to happen to you--and your responsibilities increase--you will
agree with me that family joys air the only ones a man can bet on
with any certinty of winnin'. It may interest you to know that I'm
prosperin' in a pecoonery pint of view. I make 'bout as much in the
course of a year as a Cab'net offisser does, and I understan' my
bizness a good deal better than sum of 'em do. Respects to St. Gorge
and the Dragon.--'Ever be happy.'"
"ARTEMUS WARD."
PROVIDING FOR BILLS.--373.
Two city merchants conversing upon business at the door of the New
York Coffee-house, one of them made some remarks on the badness of the
times; and perceiving at the moment a flight of pigeons passing over
their heads, he exclaimed, "How happy are those pigeons! they have
no acceptances to provide for." To which the other replied, "You are
rather in error, my friend, for _they_ have their _bills to provide
for_ as well as we!"
GENERAL LEE AND A SON OF ERIN.--374.
When General Lee was a prisoner at Albany he dined with an Irishman.
Before entering upon the wine, the general remarked to his host, that
after drinking he was apt to abuse Irishmen, for which he hoped the
host would excuse him in advance. "By my soul, general, I will do
that," said his host, "if you will excuse a trifling fault which I
have myself. It is this: whenever I hear a man abusing old Ireland, I
have a sad fault of cracking his head with my shillaly!" The general
was civil during the rest of the evening.
THE NIAGARA FALLS FROM FOUR POINTS OF VIEW.--375.
Mr. G. A. Sala, describing the Niagara Falls, says:--"A Swiss
watchmaker observed that he was very glad 'de beautiful ting was
going.' He looked upon it as some kind of clockwork arrangement, which
would run down and be wound up again. Everybody knows the story of the
'cute Yankee who called it 'an almighty water privilege.' It is one,
and would turn all the mill-wheels in the world. 'Here creation's done
its d--dest,' remarked another; and, quoth a fourth, 'I guess this
hyar suckles the ocean sea considerable.'"
LOGIC OF CONGRESS.--376.
The House of Representatives at Washington has passed, by a majority
of seven to one, a resolution which, after stating the existence of
rebellion, runs thus:--"Resolved, that it is the political, civil,
moral, and sacred duty of the poople to meet it, fight it, and for
ever destroy it, thereby establishing perfect and unalterable liberty."
COLT'S ARMS _versus_ COLT'S LEGS.--377.
Colt's arms are useful when you want to fight, but if you want to run
away, colt's legs are better.
INFANTILE IDEAS OF DISTANCE.--378.
A happy comment on the annihilation of time and space by locomotive
agency was made by a little child who rode fifty miles in a railway
train, and then took a coach to her uncle's house, some five miles
further, and was asked on her arrival if she came by the cars. "We
came a little way in the cars, and all the rest of the way in a
carriage."
"DAT'S DE MYSTERY."--379.
Two darkies had bought a mess of pork in partnership, but Sam having
no place to put his portion in, consented to trust the whole to
Julius' keeping. The next morning they met, when Sam says--"Good
mornin', Julius, anything happen strange or mysterious down in your
vicinity lately?" "Yaas, Sam, most a strange thing happen at my house
yesterlast night--all mystery, all mystery to me." "Ah, Julius, what
was dat?" "Well, Sam, I tole you now. Dis morning I went down into the
cellar for to get a piece of hog for dis darky's breakfast, and I put
my hand down in de brine and felt all round, but no pork dere--all
gone. Codn't tell what bewent with it, so I turned up de bar'l, and
Sam, true as preachin', de rats had eat a hole clar froo de bottom
of de bar'l, and dragged de pork all out!" Sam was petrified with
astonishment, but presently said--"Why didn't de brine run out of the
same hole?" "Ah, Sam, dat's de mystery."
OUR BOB.--380.
Judge S---- had a very wild son, named Bob, who was constantly
on a spree, and upon being brought up once before the court for
drunkenness, the judge cried out--"Is that _our_ Bob?" _Clerk_: "Yes,
sir." _Judge_: "Fine the rascal two dollars and costs; I'd make it ten
dollars, if I didn't know it would come out of my own pocket."
SAMBO'S SUSPICION.--381.
A gentleman who holds a responsible position under Government
concluded to change his lodgings. He sent one of the waiters of the
hotel where he had selected apartments after his baggage. Meeting the
waiter an hour or two afterwards, he said--"Well, Sambo, did you bring
my baggage down?" "No, sah!" blandly responded the sable gentleman.
"Why, what was the reason?" "Case, sah, the gentleman in de office
said you had not paid your bill." "Not paid my bill! why, that's
singular--he knew me very well when he kept the Girard House, in
Philadelphia." "Well, mebbe," rejoined Sambo, thoughtfully scratching
his head, "_dat was de reason he wouldn't gib me de baggage_."
WHERE THE DUCKS WENT.--382.
A man was brought into one of the New York courts on the charge
of having stolen some ducks from a farmer. "How do you know they
are your ducks?" asked the defendant's counsel. "Oh! I should know
them _anywhere_," said the farmer, who proceeded to describe their
peculiarities. "Why," said the prisoner's counsel, "those ducks can't
be such a rare breed--I have some very much like them in my yard."
"That's not unlikely, sir," said the farmer, "they are not the only
ducks I've had stolen lately." Call the next witness.
NO PLACE LIKE HOME.--383.
A young man, rather verdant, and very sentimental, while making
himself interesting to a young lady the other evening by quoting from
the poets, to the other choice and rare extracts he added, "There is
no place like home." "Do you really think so?" said the young lady.
"Oh, yes!" was the reply. "Then," said calico, "why don't you stay
there?"
DAMAGING THE ENGINE.--384.
A man was sitting on the track of the New London road, when the train
came along and pitched him head over heels into the bushes. The train
stopped and backed to pick up the body, when the man coolly informed
the conductor, as he brushed the dirt from his coat sleeves, that if
he "had damaged the engine any he was ready to settle for it," and
walked off home.
A QUAKER WOMAN'S SERMON.--385.
My dear friends, there are three things I very much wonder at. The
first is, that children should be so foolish as to throw up stones,
clubs, and brickbats into fruit-trees, to knock down fruit; if they
would let it alone it would fall itself. The second is, that men
should be so foolish, and even so wicked, as to go to war and kill
each other; if let alone they would die themselves. And the third, and
last, thing that I wonder at is, that young men should be so unwise
as to go after the young women; if they would stay at home the young
women would come after them.
A DELICATE CUT.--386.
A couple of Albany ecclesiastics were at Saratoga at the time of the
annual races, which were under the management of Morrissey, the
famous prize-fighter, gamester, &c. Parson M----, a Baptist clergyman,
and Father C----, a Catholic priest, are both jolly fellows in an
innocent way, and, despite their difference of creed, remarkably good
friends. Meeting each other, M---- said jocosely, as he approached the
other, "Ah! I understand it, you have come to attend the races!" and
added, "Do you know Morrissey?" "No," said Father C----, "and I beg
you won't introduce me."
NOVEL TELEGRAPHIC MESSAGE.--387.
The following telegraphic message was sent from an Albany office:--"To
---- Third Epistle of John, 13th and 14th verses. Signed ----."
The text referred to is as follows, and makes quite a lengthy and
understandable letter:--"I had many things to write, but I will not
with ink and pen write to thee. But I trust I shall shortly see thee,
and we shall speak face to face. Peace be to thee. Our friends salute
thee. Greet the friends by name."
BREAKFAST IN BED.--388.
A new way of keeping warm has been put in practice with good effect.
It is to have a buckwheat cake made large enough to cover the
bed-quilt, and spread over it "piping hot" at the time of retiring.
When made of sufficient thickness it retains the heat until morning,
and if a person is too lazy to get up, he can make a very good
breakfast off the edges as he lies.
SHEDDING THEIR LAST DROP OF BLOOD.--389.
"General," said Major Jack Downing, "I always observed that those
persons who have a great deal to say about being ready to shed their
last drop of blood, are amazin' pertic'lar about the first drop." We
have too many of that style of patriots now-a-days.
POINTED RETORT.--390.
A politician was boasting in a public speech that he could bring an
argument to a p'int as quick as any other man. "You can bring a quart
to a pint a good deal quicker," replied an acquaintance.
THE LETTER R.--391.
The letter R is the embodiment of every American patriot's hope,
because it is the end of war and the commencement of reunion.
NOT WILLING TO DIE.--392.
A Jersey man was very sick, and was not expected to recover. His
friends got around his bed, and one of them says: "John do you
feel willing to die?" John made an effort to give his views on the
subject, and answered with his feeble voice: "I--think--I'd rather
stay--where--I'm better acquainted."
HER POOR JERRY.--393.
An old woman received a letter from the post-office, at New York. Not
knowing how to read, and being anxious to know the contents, supposing
it to be from one of her absent sons, she called on a person near to
read the letter to her. He accordingly began and read--"Charleston,
June 23: Dear mother," then making a stop to find out what followed
(as the writing was rather bad), the old lady exclaimed: "_Oh, 'tis my
poor Jerry, he always stuttered!_"
TALL TALK.--394.
A Kentuckian was once asked what he considered the boundaries of the
United States. "The boundaries of our country, sir?" he replied. "Why,
sir, on the north we are bounded by the Aurora Borealis, on the east
we are bounded by the rising sun, on the south we are bounded by the
procession of the Equinoxes, and on the west by the Day of Judgment."
AN EYE TO BUSINESS.--395.
The Southerners are, of course, not nearly so commercial a race as
the Yankees, but still they are much given to "trading" amongst each
other. At an hospital in Gettysburg, an artilleryman, whose leg was to
be taken off, no sooner knew that the amputation was decided upon by
the doctors, than he turned to another wounded man in the next bed,
and, before the operation was performed, had "traded" the boot, which
was henceforth to be of no use to him.
WHAT A FINE WOMAN IS LIKE.--396.
A fine woman is like a locomotive, because she draws a train after
her, scatters the sparks, and transports the males. If there is any
one of our hundred thousand readers has anything that can beat the
above we will be pleased to hear from him.
TRUTH WANTED.--397.
Two years ago, at the Spring Term of the District Court at Topeka,
Kansas, Judge Rush Elmore presiding, a witness was called upon the
stand. After being sworn, the counsel for the defence said to the
witness--a tall, green specimen, and somewhat embarrassed--"Now, sir,
stand up and tell your story like a preacher." "No, _sir_!" roared
the judge, "none of that; I want you to tell the _truth_!" Just
imagine the sheriff, deputies, and bailiffs trying to keep "order" and
"silence."
AN IRISH BULL AT BULL'S RUN.--398.
An Irishman, who was at the celebrated battle of Bull's Run, was
somewhat startled when the head of his companion on the left was taken
off by a cannon-ball. In a few minutes, however, a spent ball broke
off the finger of his comrade on the other side. The latter threw
down his gun and howled with pain, when the Irishman rushed upon him,
exclaiming, "You owld woman, sthop cryin'! You are making more noise
about it than the man who just lost his head!"
STRONG INDUCEMENT TO CLOSE UP.--399.
A Cincinnati paper, in speaking of the overthrow of the rebels at
Phillippi, says that just before the Federal troops entered the town,
a certain Indiana company, almost worn out with the march, were
straggling along with very little regard to order. Hurrying up to his
men, the captain shouted, "Close up, close up. _If the enemy were to
fire when you're straggling along that way, they couldn't hit a cussed
one of you!_ Close up!" And the boys closed up immediately.
STEAM DEFINED.--400.
At a railway station, an old lady said to a very pompous-looking
gentleman, who was talking about steam communication: "Pray, sir,
what is steam?" "Steam, ma'am, is ah!--steam, is ah! ah! steam
is--steam!" "I knew that chap couldn't tell ye," said a rough-looking
fellow standing by; "but steam is a bucket of water in a tremendous
perspiration."
A "BUS" IN THE CARS.--401.
Friends are in the habit of warmly greeting their acquaintances upon
the arrival of passenger cars at some of the railway stations. It
was only the other day that a young gentleman rushed through a crowd
towards a lady, seized her hand, and gave her a hearty kiss, the smack
of which sounded above--we were going to say the ding of dongs; but it
is enough to state that the report startled a country lass hard by,
who exclaimed to her "feller," "Massy, Josh! what on airth's gev way
on the keers?"
HOUSEHOLD WORDS.--402.
Pshaw! Stop your noise! Shut up this minute! I'll box your ears! You
hold your tongue! Let me be! Go away! Get out! Behave yourself! I
won't! You shall! Never mind! You'll catch it! Don't bother! Come here
directly! Put away those things! You'll kill yourself! I don't care!
They're mine! Mind your own business! I'll tell ma! You mean thing!
There, I told you so! You didn't! You did! I will have it! Oh, see
what you have done! 'Twas you! Won't you catch it, though? It's my
house! Who's afraid of you? Mah-h-h! Boo, hoo, boo, hoo, oo! What's
the matter? Clear out of this room, directly! Do you hear me? Dear me!
I never did see in all my born days! It's enough to set one crazy!
Would you put a tuck in it? Well, says I! Says he! Says she! Says
they! Bless me! No! Hem it all this way round! Three flounces! Gored!
Worked crosswise! Trimmed with velvet! Ten yards? Cut bias! Real
sweet! Tut! Wal, now!
HIS REASONS FOR LEAVING.--403.
On our trip up the river once we had on board a tall, gaunt-looking
volunteer. His appearance not only indicated that he was lately from
the hospital, but that it would perhaps have been better for him to
have remained there still, for he certainly did not seem to be in a
fit condition to travel. He was from Eastern Ohio, and by some strange
whim of his comrades (soldiers have odd notions as to name), he had
won the cognomen of "Beauregard." He was full of dry humour, and it
had a peculiar zest, coming from such a dilapidated specimen of the
human kind. I asked him: "How long were you in the hospital at ----?"
"I stayed just five days; I couldn't stand it any longer." "Why so?
Were you not well treated?" "Well, you see, when I went in there were
six patients. The first day they buried one." "Well, what of that?"
"Nothing--only the very next day they buried another." "They must have
been severe cases, and made it very unpleasant for you." "Unpleasant!
I knew my turn would come in time. I went in on Monday, and if I
stayed I would be carried out on Saturday. So I made my calculation,
and on Friday I packed my knapsack and went away. If I had not, I'd
surely been buried on Saturday. Six days--one man each day--could't
stand that."
YOUR FARE, MISS.--404.
The most veracious chroniclers of Chicago relate the experience of a
young lady from the rural districts of Hoosierdom, who visited the
Queen City of the West, accompanied by her particular swain, and took
an appreciative view of the "elephant." Getting into one of the city
cars for a ride, the maiden took a seat, while the lover planted
himself on the platform. The graceful vehicle had sped but a few
short blocks, when the beneficent young conductor insinuated himself
into the popular chariot, for the purpose of collecting expenses.
Approaching the rustic maiden, he said, affably, "Your fare, miss."
The Hoosier rosebud allowed a delicate pink to manifest itself on
her cheeks, and looked down in soft confusion. The justly popular
conductor was rather astonished at this, and ventured to remark once
more--"Your fare, miss." This time the pink deepened to carnation,
and the maiden fingered her parasol with pretty coquettishness. The
conductor really didn't know what to make of this sort of thing, and
began to look a little foolish; but as a small boy at the other end
of the car began to show signs of a disposition to leave without
paying for his ride, the official managed to say once more--"Hem!
miss, your fare." In a moment those lovely violet eyes were looking
up into his face, through an aurora of blushes, and the rosy lips
exclaimed--"Well, they dew say I am good-looking at hum, but I
don't see why you want to say it out loud!" It was not a peal of
thunder that shook the car just then. Oh, no. It was something that
commenced in a general passengerical titter, and culminating in such
a shattering guffaw as Western lungs alone are capable of. In the
midst of the cachinnatory tempest the "lovyer" came to the rescue of
his Doxiana; and when the "pint of the hull thing" was explained to
him, his mouth expanded to proportions that might have made Barnum's
hippopotamus die of jealousy on the spot. The pair descended from
the car amid a salvo of Mirth's artillery, and when last seen were
purchasing artificial sweetness at a candy-shop.
AGREEING WITH ALL THE GIRLS.--405.
In a lesson in parsing the sentence, "man, courting capacity of bliss,
etc.," the word courting comes to a pert young miss of fourteen to
parse. She commenced hesitatingly, but got along well enough until
she was to tell what it agreed with. Here she stopped short. But
as the teacher said, "Very well, what does courting agree with?"
Ellen blushed, and hung down her head. "Ellen, don't you know what
that agrees with?" "Ye--ye--yes, sir!" "Well, Ellen, why don't you
parse that word? What does it agree with?" Blushing still more, and
stammering, Ellen says, "It a-agrees with _all the girls_, sir!"
WHEN THE BOAT STARTED.--406.
A certain green customer, who was a stranger to mirrors, and who
stepped into the cabin of one of our ocean steamers, stopping in front
of a large pier glass, which he took for a door, said--"I say, mister,
when does this here boat start?" Getting no reply from the dumb
reflection before him, he again repeated--"I say, mister, when does
this here boat start?" Incensed at the still silent figure, he broke
out--"You sassafras-coloured, shock-headed bull calf, you don't look
as if you knew much anyhow."
THE BLIND PHRENOLOGIST OF ST. LOUIS.--407.
There is a blind phrenologist in St. Louis who is great on examining
bumps. A wag or two got one of the distinguished judges, who thinks a
great deal of himself, and has a very bald head, which he generally
covers with a wig, to go to his rooms one day, and have his head
examined. Wags and judge arrive. "Mr. B.," said one, "we have now
brought you for examination a head as is a head; we wish to test your
science." "Very well," said the phrenologist, "place the head under
my hand." "He wears a wig," said one. "Can't examine with that on,"
replied the professor. Wig was accordingly taken off, and the bald
head of the highly-expectant judge was placed under manipulation of
the examiner. "What's this? what this?" said the phrenologist; and
pressing his hand on the top of the head, he said, somewhat ruffled,
"Gentlemen, Heaven has visited me with affliction--I have lost my
eyesight--but I am no fool; _you can't pass this off on me for a
head_!"
CHASING A LOCOMOTIVE.--408.
A friend who lately indulged in a chase after a locomotive declares it
"the silliest thing a sane man can do." This is his account:--"Rushing
out from the refreshment-room on the platform, I saw my train moving
off 'gradually,' with about seventy-five yards the start. I have
been counted a good runner in my time, and for the first hundred
yards I gained on it. Then for about a quarter of a mile it was
'nip and tuck,' at the end of which I concluded that steam was more
than a match for muscle, and 'caved.' The last I saw of my train it
was 'going it' around a curve at the rate of twenty-five miles an
hour, the passengers waving their handkerchiefs at me, and cheering
vociferously. As I walked sheepishly back to the dépôt, a thought came
into my head that it _might_ run off the track in going round the
curve at that rate of speed, and I am afraid that I rather encouraged
the idea."
THE LATEST WAY.--409.
The latest way to pop the question is to ask a fair lady if you can
have the pleasure of seeing her to the minister's.
A GREAT TRAVELLER.--410.