killed in a duel, one to die with the yellow fever, and one to write
an obituary of the defunct two.
MODEL ADVERTISEMENTS.--330.
Model of First-rate Advertisements for a Modern High-Pressure
Sentimental Novel:--
Startling, terrific, paralyzing.--_Ditchville Chronicle._
We understand that the publishers of this extraordinary work, in
consequence of the immense demand, were obliged to issue three
editions at once, and that the united energies of steam and manual
labour in New York, have in vain been employed to satisfy the
incessant applications for it. On various occasions the police have
been called in to protect the booksellers against the insolence of
disappointed customers, while several suits for libel are pending
against persons who, in a paroxysm of rage, have vented their spleen
on the innocent authoress. The excitement has reached a fearful
pitch, and all business has been brought to a stand by the absorbing
devotion of the public to this great work of genius. In some cases
the engineers on the railroads, in perusing it, have been so lost to
a sense of duty, as to let the fires of their locomotives go out,
and cause the stoppage of trains for hours. Porters may be seen
sitting on their wheelbarrows at every corner enjoying its contents.
Omnibus horses are growing fat from the refusal of drivers to ply the
lash, until they have read it through, line by line, to the fearful
catastrophe of the last page, and even the clamorous voice of the
newsboy is no longer heard, for he sits crouching over its fascinating
pages in his cheerless garret. On the first day of the sale, the
doors of the book-stores were strongly barricaded, extra clerks were
provided, and yet, despite these precautions, fearful riots took place
among the contending crowd, in which, as the historians say, "neither
age, sex, nor condition were respected." The truth is, that if many
more such books are written in the country, there is great danger
that agriculture, commerce, and manufactures will be abandoned, and
we shall become nothing else than a nation of novel readers.--_The
Flambeau of Literature._
NOT PARTICULAR.--331.
A Western editor says:--"Wood, chips, coke, coal, corn-cobs,
feathers, rosin, sawdust, shavings, splinters, dry leaves, old rags,
fence-rails, barn-doors, flints, or anything that will burn or strike
fire, taken on subscription at this office."
TRUE AMERICAN PATRIOTISM.--332.
A Down-Easter thus distinguishes between different sorts of
patriotism:--"Some esteem it sweet to die for one's country; but most
of our patriots hold it sweeter still to live _upon_ one's country."
POETICAL PATCHWORK.--333.
Rock'd in the cradle of the deep,
Old Casper's work was done;
Piping on hollow reeds to his pent sheep,
Charge, Chester, charge! On, Stanley, on!
There was a sound of revelry by night,
On Linden, when the sun was low;
A voice replied, far up the height,
Tall oaks from little acorns grow.
What, if a little rain should say,
I have not loved the world, nor the world me!
Ah! well a-day;
Woodman spare that tree!
My heart leaps up with joy to see
A primrose by the water's brim;
Zaccheus, he did climb that tree;
Few of our youth could cope with him.
The prayer of Ajax was for light,
The light that never was on sea or shore;
Pudding and beef make Britons fight;
Never more!
Under a spreading chestnut tree,
For hours the gither, sat
I and my Annabel Lee;
A man's a man for a' that.
Truth crush'd to earth shall rise again,
And waste its sweetness on the desert air;
In thunder, lightning, or in rain,
None but the brave deserve the fair.
Tell me not in mournful numbers,
The child is father of the man;
Hush, my dear, lie still in slumber.
They can conquer who believe they can.
A change came o'er the spirit of my dream;
Whatever is, is right,
And things are not what they seem;
My native land, good night!
SO HUMANE.--334.
A lady in Brooklyn is known to be so humane that she will not allow
even her carpet to be beaten; and was frightfully shocked on hearing a
boy, who was relating a story about a donkey, tell his comrades to cut
his tail short. She actually fainted away when a relative said he had
been killing time.
THE LYING AT THE TOP.--335.
"Truth lies at the bottom of the well." All very well, as long as it
stays there; but it is the lying at the top and thereabouts that does
all the mischief!
"BRAGGIN' SAVES ADVERTISIN'."--336.
"Well," said the doctor, "I didn't want to put myself forward, for it
ain't pleasant to speak of oneself." "Well, I don't know that," sais
I; "I ain't above it, I assure you. If you have a horse to sell, put
a thunderin' long price on him, and folks will think he must be the
devil and all; and if you want people to vally you right, appraise
yourself at a high figure. Braggin' saves advertisin'. I always do it;
for, as the Nova Scotia magistrate said, who sued his debtor before
himself, 'What's the use of being a justice, if you can't do yourself
justice.'"--_Sam Slick._
CONCLUSIVE.--337.
A story that General Hooker has been left immensely rich by the
death of a Mexican wife is thus disposed of by the San Francisco
_Atta_:--"1st, General Hooker's wife was not rich when he married her,
nor at any other time. 2nd, General Hooker's wife was not a Mexican.
3rd, General Hooker's wife is not dead. 4th, General Hooker never had
a wife. 5th, General Hooker is not a Croesus, never was, and never
will be."
VERDICT OF A NEGRO JURY.--338.
"We, the undersigned, being a Kurnet's Juray to sit on de body of de
nigger Sambo, now dead and gone before us, hab been sittin' on de said
nigger aforesaid, did on de night of de fusteenth of November, come to
def by falling from de bridge ober the riber in de said riber, whar we
find he was subsequently drowned, and afterwards washed on the riber
side, whar we s'pose he was frose to death."
VERY CIVIL WAR.--339.
On our left, where our lines were close to the rebs, two videttes from
opposite sides were moved out towards the same tree. After remaining
for some time near the tree unknown to each other, our vidette
discovered that he had lost his cap-box, and commenced calling for the
corporal. After calling several times without effect, the reb vidette
called out, "I say, Yank, what's the matter on your side of the tree?"
The "Yank" immediately replied that he wanted to go for some water.
"Well, go ahead," answered "Johnny;" "I'll watch both sides till you
come back."
A REAL HEAVY GALE.--340.
"Was you ever in a real heavy gale of wind?" "Warn't I," said I; "the
fust time I returned from England it blew great guns all the voyage,
one gale after another, and the last always wuss than the one before.
It carried away our sails as fast as we bent them." "That's nothing
unusual," said Cutter; "there are worse things than that at sea."
"Well, I'll tell," sais I, "what it did; and if that ain't an uncommon
thing, then my name ain't Sam Slick. It blew all the hair off my dog,
except a little tuft atween his ears."
AN APPROPRIATE GIFT.--341.
The _New York Atlas_ says:--"Judge Kelly and other citizens of
Philadelphia have presented a medal to President Lincoln. The
medallion has the bust of Washington on one side, and that of Mr.
Lincoln on the other. The peculiar felicity of this design is apparent
to the most obtuse. Washington was a patriot and a hero, and Lincoln
is unquestionably _the reverse_. It seems somewhat superfluous,
however, to strike a medal to perpetuate the knowledge of a fact so
indisputable."
THE CROOKED STICK.--342
Maria, just at twenty, swore
That no man less than six feet four
Should be her chosen one;
At thirty, she was glad to fix
A spouse exactly four feet six,
As better far than none.
A SPARE GIRL.--343.
"I never," says Sam Slick, "see so spare a gal since I was raised.
Pharaoh's lean kine warn't the smallest part of a circumstance to her.
She was so thin, she actilly seemed as if she would have to lean agin
the wall to support herself when she scolded, and I had to look twice
at her before I could see her at all, for I warn't sure _she warn't
her own shadow_."
NEW WAY TO AFFIX A STAMP.--344.
"You remind me," says I, "of a feller in Slickville, when the six-cent
letter-stamps came in fashion. He licked the stamp so hard, he took
all the gum off, and it wouldn't stay on nohow he could fix it, so
what does he do but put a pin through it, and writes on the letter,
'Paid, if the darned thing will only stick.'"--_Sam Slick._
THE ORIGINAL BROTHER JONATHAN.--345.
When General Washington, after being appointed Commander of the Army
of Revolutionary War, came to Massachusetts to organize it, and make
preparations for the defence of the country, he found a great want of
ammunition and other means necessary to meet the powerful foe he had
to contend with, and great difficulty to obtain them. If attacked in
such condition, the cause at once might be hopeless. On one occasion,
at that anxious period, a consultation of the officers and others was
held, when it seemed no way could be devised to make such preparations
as were necessary. His Excellency Jonathan Trumbull, the elder, was
then Governor of the State of Connecticut, on whose judgment and aid
the general placed the greatest reliance, and remarked: "We must
consult 'Brother Jonathan' on the subject." The general did so, and
the governor was successful in supplying many of the wants of the
army. When difficulties arose, and the army was spread over the
country, it became a by-word, "We must consult Brother Jonathan." The
term Yankee is still applied to a portion, but "Brother Jonathan" has
become a designation of the whole country, as John Bull is for England.
THOUGHTFUL MOTHERS.--346.
It is said that some mothers in America are grown so affectionate that
they give their children chloroform previous to whipping them.
GRACE ONCE FOR ALL.--347.
Benjamin Franklin, when a child, found the long graces used by his
father before and after meals very tedious. One day after the winter's
provisions had been salted, "I think father," said Benjamin, "if you
were to say _grace_ over the whole cask once for all, it would be a
great saving of time."
PAINTING TO THE LIFE.--348.
Slick says: "I think, without bragging, I may say I can take things
off to the life. Once I drawed a mutton chop so nateral, my dog broke
his teeth in tearing the panel to pieces to get at it; and at another
time I painted a shingle so like stone, when I threw it into the
water, it sunk right kerlash to the bottom."
COLUMBUS AND THE EGG.--349.
Columbus, speaking with great humility of his discovery of America,
some of the company spoke in very depreciating terms of the
expedition. "There is no more difficulty," replied Columbus, "than
in putting this egg on its end." They tried the experiment, and all
failed. Columbus, breaking a little off the end, set it upright. The
company sneered at the contrivance. "Thus," observed Columbus, "a
thing appears very easy after it is done."
THE HEAVENLY "BODIES."--350.
"Mamma, mamma," cried a little one, whose early hour of retirement
had not permitted much study of the starry heavens, "here is the moon
come, and brought a sight of little babies with her!"
THE HAPPIEST OF VOWELS.--351.
One of the neatest and latest conundrums is as follows:--"Why is i the
happiest of vowels? Because it is in the midst of bliss; e is in hell,
and all the others in purgatory."
A TOUGH YANKEE.--352.
A friend writes of a Yankee boasting an inveterate hatred of
everything British, living in a neighbouring city with a colonist
family. He takes every opportunity to have a slap at Brother Bull, and
the colonist does what he can to defend the venerable gentleman. "You
are arguing," said the colonist, "against your ancestors." "No, I'm
not." "Who was your father?" "A Yankee." "Who were your forefathers?"
"Yankees." "Who were Adam and Eve?" "Yankees, by thunder!"
USED TO IT.--353.
Major N----, upon being asked if he was seriously hurt at the bursting
of a boiler on a steamboat, replied that he was not, as he had been
blowed up so many times by his wife that a mere steamboat explosion
had no effect upon him whatever.
QUOTING HIS FATHER.--354.
A broker, whose mind was always full of quotations, was asked a few
days since how old his father was. "Well," said he, abstractedly, "he
is quoted at eighty, but there is every prospect he will reach par,
and possibly be at a premium."
WHY THE WAR GOES ON.--355.
The soldiers at Helena, in Arkansas, used to amuse the inhabitants of
that place, on their first arrival, by telling them yarns, of which
the following is a sample:--"Some time ago Jeff Davis got tired of the
war, and invited President Lincoln to meet him on neutral ground to
discuss the terms of peace. They met accordingly, and, after a talk,
concluded to settle the war by dividing the territory and stopping the
fighting. The North took the Northern States, and the South the Gulf
and sea-board Southern States. Lincoln took Texas and Missouri, and
Davis Kentucky and Tennessee; so that all were parcelled off excepting
Arkansas. Lincoln didn't want it--Jeff wouldn't have it. Neither would
consent to take it, and on that they split; and the war has been going
on ever since."
WHAT U. S. STANDS FOR.--356.
The _New York Herald_ puts forward General Grant as Democratic
candidate for the Presidency, on the ground that U. S. stands
for--Ulysses S. Grant, Union Sustaining Grant, Unconditional Surrender
Grant, Uncle Sam Grant, United States Grant, Unparalleled Success
Grant, Unabridged Seizure Grant, Union Saver Grant, Undeniable
Superior Grant, Unflinching Surmounter Grant, Undaunted Soldier Grant,
Understanding Secession Grant, Use Sambo Grant, Unshackle Slave
Grant, Ultimate Subjugation Grant, Uncommon Smart Grant, Unequalled
Smasher Grant, Utterly Solid Grant, Utmost Safety Grant, Unrivalled
System Grant, Unexceptionably Scientific Grant, Undertake Sure Grant,
Unbounded Spunk Grant, Universal Sanitive Grant, Unadulterated
Saltpetre Grant, Uniform Succeeder Grant, Undisputed Sagacity Grant,
Unabated Siege Grant, Unbending Super-excellence Grant, Unexampled
Skill Grant, Undoubtedly Spunky Grant, Unprecedented Sardine
Grant; and, what is best of all, he belongs to US, and will be the
Unanimously Selected Grant for the next Presidency.
A WISE FOOL.--357.
A man brought before a justice of the peace in Vermont, charged with
some petty offence, pleaded in extenuation a natural infirmity. "I
should have made a considerable figure in the world, judge," he said,
"if I hadn't been a fool; it's a dreadful pull back to a man."
"OLD BRAINS."--358.
One of the daily papers of New York made an amusing typographical
error in its publication of General Halleck's report of war
operations. The general, who enjoys the _sobriquet_ of "Old Brains,"
wrote in depreciation of the immense cost of army transportation,
and made out a case for himself by saying that "our trains have been
materially reduced during the year." Imagine his disgust when he found
the boast printed "our _brains_ have been materially reduced!" Artemus
Ward might add: "N.B.--This is sarkasm."
THE GOVERNOR AND THE JUSTICE.--359.
William Penn and Thomas Story once sheltered themselves from a shower
of rain in a tobacco house, the owner of which said to them: "You
enter here without leave; do you know who I am? I am a justice of the
peace." To which Story replied: "My friend here makes such things as
thee; he is Governor of Pennsylvania."
AN ENTHUSIASTIC NEWSVENDOR.--360.
An amusing incident occurred one day in front of General Turner's
lines. A sergeant stepped out from our rifle-pits, and moved towards
the enemy, waving a late paper, regardless of the probability that
he would at any moment be shot. A rebel officer shouted to him to go
back, but the sergeant was unmindful of the warning, and asked, "Won't
you exchange newspapers?" "No," said the rebel, "I have no paper, I
want you to go back." With singular persistence the sergeant continued
to advance, saying, "Well, if you haint a paper, I reckon some of
your men have, and I want to exchange, I tell you." "My men have not
got anything of the kind, and you must go back," said the officer in
a louder tone, and with great emphasis. Nothing daunted, the Yankee
sergeant still advanced, until he stood plumply before the indignant
officer, and said, "I tell ye now you needn't get your dander up. I
don't mean no harm no way. P'raps if ye aint got no newspapers ye
might give me suthin else. Maybe your men would like some coffee
for some tobacco. I'm dreadful anxious for a trade." The astonished
officer could only repeat his command, "Go back, you rascal, or
I'll take you prisoner. I tell you we have nothing to exchange, and
we don't want anything to do with you Yankees." The sergeant said
ruefully, "Well, then, if you haint got nothin', why, here's the paper
any way, and if you get one from Richmond this afternoon you can send
it over. You'll find my name thar on that." The man's impudence or
the officer's eagerness for news made him accept. He took the paper,
and asked the sergeant what was the news from Petersburg. "Oh, our
folks say we can go in there just when we want to, but we are willing
to gobble all you fellows first," was the reply. "Well, I don't know
but what you can do it!" said the lieutenant, turning on his heel and
re-entering his rifle-pits; "meanwhile, my man, you had better go
back." This time the sergeant obeyed the oft-repeated order, and, on
telling his adventure, was the hero of the morning among his comrades.
PROFITLESS PREACHING.--361.
The hat was passed round in a certain congregation in New York for
the purpose of taking up a collection. After it had made the circuit
of the church it was handed to the minister, who, by the way had
"exchanged pulpits" with the regular preacher, and he found not a cent
in it. He inverted his hat over the pulpit cushion, and shook it, that
its emptiness might be known; then looking towards the ceiling, he
exclaimed, with great fervour, "I thank Heaven that I got back my hat
from this congregation."
NOT FOR WANT.--362.
An Irishman being asked why he left his country for America, replied,
"It wasn't for want; I had plenty of that at home."
SAM SLICK ON HAPPINESS.--363.
It takes a great deal to make happiness, for everything must be in
time, like a piano; but it takes very little to spoil it. Fancy
a bride, now, having a toothache, or a swelled face during the
honeymoon. In courtship she won't show, but in marriage she can't help
it.
A LAGGING COMPLIMENT.--364.
An American editor once, in attempting to compliment General Pillow
as a "battle-scarred veteran," was made by the typos to call him a
"battle-scared veteran." In the next issue the mistake was so far
corrected as to style him a "bottle-scarred veteran."
WEDLOCK FIRST INSTITUTED.--365.
Wedlock was first instituted in Paradise. Well, there must have been a
charming climate there. It could not have been too hot, for Eve never
used a parasol, or even a "kiss-me-quick;" and Adam never complained,
though he wore no clothes, that the sun blistered his skin. It could
not have been wet, or they would have coughed all the time, like
consumptive sheep; and it would have spoiled their garden, let alone
giving them the chilblains and the snuffles. They didn't require
umbrellas, uglies, fans, or india-rubber shoes. There was no such a
thing as a stroke of the sun, or a snow-drift there. The temperature
must have been perfect, and connubial bliss I allot was rael jam up.
The only thing that seemed wanting there was for some one to drop in
to tea now and then, for Eve to have a good chat with, while Adam was
a studyin' astronomy, or tryin' to invent a kettle that would stand
fire; for women do like talking, that's a fact, and there are many
little things they have to say to each other that no man has any right
to hear, and if he did he couldn't understand.--_Sam Slick._
A STRIKING LESSON.--366.
A canal boat was once passing through a narrow lock on the Erie line,
and the captain hailed the passengers and said, "Look out!" Well,
a Frenchman thinking something strange was to be seen, popped his
head out, and it was cut off in a minute. "Oh, _mon Dieu_!" said his
comrade, "dat is a very _striking_ lesson in English. On land look out
means open the window, and see what you will see. On board canal boat
it means have your head in, and don't look at nothin."--_Sam Slick._
A DISINTERESTED LIEUTENANT.--367.
"Feller sogers," said a newly-elected lieutenant of the militia, "I
am all-fired obliged to you for this shove-up in the ranks you have
given me. Feller sogers, I'm not going to forget your kindness soon,
not by a darned sight; and I'll tell you what it is, I'll stick to my
post like pitch to a pine-board, so long as ther's peace; but as I go
in for rotation in office, and if we should come to blows with the
British, darned if I don't resign right off, and give every feller a
fair shake for fame and glory."
CLAIMING AND TAKING EXEMPTION.--368.
THE _Steuben Courier_ says that a man walked forty miles to claim
exemption from the war-draft, on the ground of inability to stand
long marches and the hardships of camp life.--A man named Jefferson
Davis was drafted in New Bedford on Tuesday last. We hope that he
may be able to go, and be in at the death of his illustrious rebel
namesake.--Seven of the waiters in one of the popular hotels of Boston
were the victims of the draft, but the next morning after their names
had been drawn from the wheel of the Provost-Marshal, they had all
skedaddled to parts unknown, and have not been heard of since.--There
were two Mike Sullivans, the _Boston Herald_ says, living at Fort
Hill, and neither had any other distinction. One of them was drafted,
but which of them neither could tell, nor any one else. One of them
was called upon by a friend, who inquired if he was the Michael
Sullivan who had been drafted. "Yes," said Mike, "I suppose I am."
"Are you sure of that, now?" exclaimed Mike's friend. "How the
divil do you know but you axe the other Mike Sullivan?"--A laughable
circumstance took place in the Fourteenth Ward, Philadelphia, during
the drafting. Everything was going on quietly, and good humour
appeared to be depicted upon every countenance. Among the many
hundreds that were there was a pale-faced son of the Emerald Isle,
gazing on the wheel, and at every revolution gasping for breath. Of a
sudden, losing all control of himself, he burst out: "Wherl it round!
wherl it round!--rouse it, will ye!" "What's the matter with you?"
said the Provost-Marshal. "Oh, be jabers, turn it round a dozen times,
for that man you drawed last is my next door neighbour."
GREAT SCARCITY.--369.
Speaking of the great scarcity of provisions down South, a Northern
paper says--"Tea is so scarce in the South that they haven't even
drawings of it, and there are no grounds for supposing that they have
any coffee."
THE CAPTAIN'S PUDDING.--370.
The following story is told of a Yankee captain and his
mate:--Whenever there was a plum-pudding made, by the captain's
orders, all the plums were put into one end of it, and that end placed
next to the captain, who, after helping himself, passed it to the
mate, who never found any plums in his part of it. After this game
had been played for some time, the mate prevailed on the steward
to place the end which had no plums in it next to the captain. The
captain no sooner perceived that the pudding had the wrong end turned
towards him, than picking up the dish, and turning it round, as if
to examine the china, he said: "This dish cost me two shillings in
Liverpool;" and put it down, as if without design, with the plum
end next to himself. "Is it possible?" said the mate, taking up the
dish. "I shouldn't suppose it was worth more than a shilling." And,
as if in perfect innocence, he put down the dish with the plums next
to himself. The captain looked at the mate; the mate looked at the
captain. The captain laughed; the mate laughed. "I tell you what,
young one," said the captain, "you've found me out, so we will just
cut the pudding lengthwise this time, and have the plums fairly
distributed hereafter."
SALARY NOT SO MUCH AN OBJECT, ETC.--371.