in North Carolina, and was marched up to the officer of the day to
give an account of himself, whereupon the following colloquy ensued:
"What's your name?" "My name's Sam." "Sam what?" "No, sah; not Sam
Watt. I'se jist Sam." "What's your other name?" "I hasn't got no
oder name, sah. I'se Sam--dat's all." "What's your master's name?"
"I'se got no massa now. Massa runned away--yah, yah! I'se free nigger
now." "Well, what's your father and mother's name?" "I'se got none,
sah--neber had none. I'se jist Sam--ain't nobody else." "Haven't you
any brothers and sisters?" "No, sah; neber had none. No brudder, no
sister, no fader, no mudder, no massa--nothin' but Sam. When you see
Sam you see all dere is of us."
A LIBELLOUS ASSERTION.--273.
Ask a woman to a tea-party in the Garden of Eden, and she'd be sure to
draw up her eyelids and scream: "I can't go without a new gown."
WESTERN NEIGHBOURS.--274.
"Where is your house?" asked a traveller in the depths of one of the
"old solemn wildernesses" of the great West. "House! I ain't got no
house." "Well, where do you live?" "I live in the woods, sleep on the
great Government purchase, eat raw bear and wild turkey, and drink out
of the Mississippi!" And he added--"It's getting too thick with the
folks out here. You're the second man I've seen within the last month,
and I hear there's a whole family come in about fifty miles down the
river. I'm going to put out into the woods again."
SNUBBING A LAWYER.--275.
Old Mrs. Lawson was called as a witness. She was sharp and wide awake.
At last the cross-examining lawyer, out of all patience, exclaimed,
"Mrs. Lawson, you have brass enough in your face to make a twelve
quart pail." "Yes," she replied, "and you've got sass enough in your
head to fill it."
GETTING DOWN A LADDER.--276.
"Mass Tom! Oh, Mass Tom! howse I goin ter get down dis ladder?" "Come
down the same way you went up, you blockhead!" replied the master,
running out to see what was the matter. "De same way as I come up,
Mass Tom?" "Yes, confound you, and don't bother me any more!" "Well,
if I must, I must!"--and down came the little darkey head foremost.
IRISH NEGRO.--277.
A negro from Montzerat, or Marigalante, where the Hiberno-Celtic is
spoken by all classes, happened to be on the wharf at Philadelphia
when a number of Irish emigrants were landed; and seeing one of them
with a wife and four children, he stepped forward to assist the family
on shore. The Irishman, in his native tongue, expressed his surprise
at the civility of the negro; who, understanding what had been said,
replied in Irish, that he need not be astonished, for that he was
a _bit of an Irishman himself_. The Irishman, surprised to hear a
black man speak in his _Milesian_ dialect, it entered his mind with
the usual rapidity of Irish fancy, that he really was an Irishman,
but that the climate had changed his fair complexion. "_If I may be
so bold, sir_," said he, "_may I ask how long you have been in this
country_?" The negro man, who had only come hither on a voyage, said
he had been in Philadelphia only about four months. Poor Patrick
turned round to his wife and children, and looking as if for the last
time on their rosy cheeks, concluding that in four months they must
also change their complexion, exclaimed, "O merciful powers! Biddy,
did you hear that? He is not more than four months in this country,
and he is already almost as black as jet."
INTERESTING EXPERIMENT.--278.
The muscles of the human jaw produce a power equal to one hundred and
twenty-five pounds. If you ever had your fingers in an angry man's
mouth, you will not dispute the veracity of this assertion.
SAYINGS OF JOSH BILLINGS.--279.
I suppose the reason whi wimmin are so fast talkers, iz bekauze tha
don't hav tew stop tew spit on their hands. After Joseph's brotheren
had beat him out ov hiz cut ov many cullars, what did tha dew nex? Tha
pittied him! Thare iz nothing in this life that will open the pores
ov a man so mutch, as tew fall in luv; it makes him as fluent az a
tin whissell, az limber az a boy's watch chain, and az perlite as a
dansing-master; hiz harte iz az full ov sunshine az a hay-field, and
there aint any more guile in him than there iz in a stik ov merlasses
candy. Thare iz a grate number ov ways for folks tew make phools of
themselfs, but thare iz one way so simple, i wonder nobody haz ever
tried it, and that iz tew run after real-estate advertizements. Thare
don't seem tew be enny end tew the ambishun ov men, but thare iz one
thing that sum ov them will find out if tha ever dew git tew Heaven,
and that iz tha can't git enny further. He who can hold awl he gits,
kan most generally get more, I serpoze if a commisshun should cum
from Heaven tew gather up awl the intrinsick literature among men, a
common-sized angel kould fly off with the whole ov it under one wing
and not lug him mutch. Yu kant alwus tell a gentleman by hiz clothes,
but yu kan bi hiz finger nails. Adam invented "_luv at first sight_,"
one of the greatest laber-saving machines the world ever saw. It iz
a grave question, whether, in curtailing superfluitys in these hard
times, we have a moral right tew cut oph a dorg's tale tew save the
expense ov boarding it. I hav herd a grate deal ced about "_broken
hartes_," and thare may be a few of them, but mi experiense iz that
nex tew the gizzard, the harte iz the tuffest peace ov meat in the
whole critter.
TWO THINGS MADE TO BE LOST.--280.
A country editor comes to the conclusion that there are two things
that were made to be lost--sinners and umbrellas.
REASONS ENOUGH.--281.
An editor complained that he could not sleep one night, summing up the
causes:--A wailing baby, sixteen months old; a howling dog under the
window; a cat-fight in the alley; a nigger serenade in a shanty over
the way; a toothache; and a pig trying to get in at the back-door.
LOW-NECKED FROCKS.--282.
The Rev. Mr. Sniffkins has recorded in his diary that three
conspicuous low-necked frocks in a congregation will neutralize the
effect of the best discourse that ever was preached.
EMERSON AND THEODORE PARKER.--283.
There is an allegorical story current that once, immediately after
Theodore Parker had parted from Ralph Waldo Emerson on the road to
Boston, a crazy Millerite encountered Parker, and cried: "Sir, do
you not know that the world is coming to an end?" Upon which Parker
replied: "My good man, that doesn't concern me; I live in Boston."
The same fanatic, overtaking Emerson, announced in the same terms the
approach of the end of the world, upon which Emerson replied: "I am
glad of it, sir; man will get along much better without it!"
HOW TO GO MAD.--284.
Be an editor; let the devil be waiting for copy; sit down to write an
article, and get a few sentences done; then let an acquaintance drop
in and begin to tell you stories and gossips of the town; let him
sit, and sit, and sit. This is the quickest way we can think of to go
raving, distracted mad.
A WISE JUDGE.--285.
A Massachusetts judge has decided that a husband may open his wife's
letters, on the ground (so often and so tersely stated by Mr.
Theophilus Parsons, of Cambridge) that "the husband and the wife are
one, and the husband is that one!"
SPARING HIS FEELINGS.--286.
The editor of the _Louisville Journal_, in speaking of an assailant
who had vehemently denied a charge of having been drunk on a certain
occasion, says "that he cannot positively state that the gentleman
in question was drunk, but that he does know that he was seen in the
street at midnight, with his hat off, explaining the principles and
theory of true politeness to the toes of his boots!"
OF COURSE NOT.--287.
The _Grand Rapids Eagle_ man says he wouldn't mind the price of wood
so much, if all his neighbours hadn't taken to the disgusting habit of
locking their wood-house doors at night.
A FEMALE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON.--288.
Mrs. Ripley, of Concord, Mass., is well known to the naturalists on
account of her valuable collection of lichens, and to the Cambridge
professors on account of her success in training young men for the
university. It is said that a learned gentleman once called to see
this lady, and found her hearing at once the lesson of one student in
Sophocles, and that of another in Differential Calculus, at the same
time rocking her grandchild's cradle with one foot, and shelling peas
for dinner.
A FLOATING POPULATION.--289.
"You have considerable floating population in this village, havn't
you?" asked a stranger of one of the citizens of a village on the
Mississippi. "Well, yes, rather," was the reply; "about half the year
the water is up to the second storey windows."
DEMOCRATS _versus_ REPUBLICANS.--290.
A prominent speaker at a Republican gathering in Ohio, said that "he
expected to spend an eternity in company with Republicans," to which a
Democrat replied that he "rather thought he would, _unless he repented
of his sins_."
A POOR COUPLE.--291.
A couple announce in the _New York Post_ their marriage, and add to
the notice--"No cards, nor any money to get them with."
AN INDUCEMENT TO YOUNG PEOPLE.--292.
A minister out West, advertised, in the hope of making young people
come forward, that he would marry them for a glass of whisky, a dozen
eggs, the first kiss of the bride, and a quarter of a pig.
AN EDITORIAL HORSE.--293.
An editor in the far West has bought a racehorse for which he
paid 2000 dollars. On being asked what an editor had to do with a
racehorse, he replied that "he was to be used in catching runaway
subscribers."
HIGHLY PROBABLE.--294.
An American editor acknowledges the receipt of a bottle of brandy 48
years old, and says "this brandy is so old that we very much fear it
cannot live much longer."
NOVEL EFFECT OF A SECOND MARRIAGE.--295.
One of the substitute soldiers who was presented for examination
at Captain Hamlin's office recently was a man who gave his name as
(we will say) Michael Flynn. When he was stripped, upon his arm was
clearly tattooed the name of John Sullivan. "But, I thought, you said
your name was Michael Flynn?" said the doctor. "Yes," stammered the
Hibernian sub, "but I have been married twice." Michael passed.
STRIKING DEFINITION OF A COQUETTE.--296.
A Western genius defines a coquette as a box of snuff, from which
every lover takes a pinch. Her husband, fortunate or unfortunate
wretch, as he may think himself, gets the box--on the ear.
QUALIFICATIONS FOR A PARSON.--297.
It is related of a certain church in New York, whose deacons and
principal men are of the conservative order, that when recently in
want of a pastor, they made application to a divine noted for his
talents and brilliancy of oratory to become their settled minister.
While negotiating the "call" they signified to the divine that they
did not want a man to preach politics or temperance. "What kind of a
preacher do you want?" inquired the minister. To which they replied
that they desired a pastor who was "_rather religiously inclined_."
This reminds us of a popular preacher we used to know down East, one
of whose prominent parishioners considered him the perfection of a
preacher, because "he never meddles with either politics or religion!"
EXTRAORDINARY ABSENCE OF MIND.--298.
The most recent case of absence of mind is that of an editor, who
lately copied from a hostile paper one of his own articles, and headed
it, "Wretched attempt at wit."
A JOKE BY JENKINS.--299.
"A beautiful day, Mr. Jenkins?" "Yes, very pleasant, indeed." "Good
day for the race." "Race, what race?" "The human race." "Oh, go along
with your stupid jokes; get up a good one, like the one with which I
sold Day." "Day, what Day?" "The day we celebrate," said Jenkins, who
went on his way rejoicing.
"AND THAT'S A FACT."--300.
A paper notorious for its veracity says "that a man in New Hampshire
went out gunning one day this spring; he saw a flock of pigeons
sitting on a branch of an old pine, so he dropped a ball into his gun
and fired. The ball split the branch, which closed up, and caught
the toes of all the birds in it. He saw that he had got them all,
and so he fastened two balls together and fired, cut the branch off,
which fell into the river. He then waded in and brought it on shore.
On counting them there were 300 pigeons, and in his boots were two
barrels of shad."
A QUESTION FOR ASTRONOMERS.--301.
A teacher in a western county in Canada, while making his first
visit to his "constituents," came into conversation with an ancient
"Varmount" lady, who had taken up her residence in the "backwoods."
Of course, the school and former teachers came in for criticism; and
the old lady, in speaking of his predecessor, asked: "Wa'll, master,
what do yer think he larnt the schollards?" "Couldn't say, ma'am.
Pray, what did he teach?" "Wa'al, he told 'em that this 'ere airth
was _reound_, and went areound; and all that sort 'o thing. Now,
master, what do _you_ think about sich stuff? Don't you think he was
an ignorant feller?" Unwilling to come under the category of the
ignorami, the teacher evasively remarked: "It really did seem strange;
but still there are many learned men who teach these things." "Wa'al,"
says she, "if the airth is reound, and goes reound, what holds it
_up_?" "Oh, these learned men say that it goes around the sun, and
that the sun holds it up by virtue of the law of attraction." The old
lady lowered her "specs," and, by way of climax, responded: "Wa'al,
if these high larn't men sez the sun holds up the airth, _I should
like tu know what holds the airth up when the sun goes down_!"
GRIEVING FOR A WIFE.--302.
A man in New Hampshire had the misfortune recently to lose his wife.
Over the grave he caused a stone to be placed, on which, in the depth
of his grief, he had ordered to be inscribed--"Tears cannot restore
her, therefore I weep."
WHAT IRISHMEN DO!--303.
George Penn Johnson, one of our most eloquent stump speakers, who
loves a good thing too well to let it slip upon any occasion,
addressing a meeting where it was a great point to obtain the Irish
vote, after alluding to the native American party in no flattering
terms, inquired, "Who dig our canals? Irishmen. Who build our
railroads? Irishmen. (Great applause.) Who build all our gaols?
Irishmen. (Still greater applause.) Who fill all our gaols? Irishmen!"
This capping climax, if it did not bring down the house, did the Irish
in a rush for the stand. Johnson did not wait to receive them.
SAD SCARCITY OF PAPER.--304.
Paper is so scarce in the South that the editor of the _Morning
Traitor_ writes his editorials with stolen chalk on the sole of his
boot, and goes barefooted while his boy sets up the manuscript!
THE DATE WANTED.--305.
At a concert recently, at the conclusion of the song, "There's a Good
Time Coming," a country farmer got up and exclaimed, "Say, mister, you
couldn't fix the date, could you?"
THE HEIGHT OF MEANNESS.--306.
The meanest fellow in Onondaga county is a fellow who once had the
plate of his grandmother's coffin made over into a tobacco-box.
COLUMBUS'S DISCOVERY.--307.
A country editor thinks that Columbus is not entitled to much credit
for discovering America, as the country is so large he could not well
have missed it.
THE LONG AND THE SHORT OF IT.--308.
One of the American papers observes of Mr. Wentworth, a member of
Congress for a district of Illinois, that "he is so tall, that when
he addresses the people, instead of mounting a stump, as is usual in
the West, they have to dig a hole for him to stand in!" Another paper,
which goes the whole ticket against Mr. Wentworth, politely observes
that they "dig a hole for him not because he is tall, but because he
never feels at home except when he is up to his chin in dirt."
COOLNESS.--309.
He would eat oysters while his neighbour's house was in flames--always
provided that his own was insured. Coolness! he's a piece of marble
carved into a broad grin.
NAMING CHILDREN IN AMERICA.--310.
On Long Island, a Mr. Crabb named a child
"Through-much-tribulation-we-enter-into-the-kingdom-of-Heaven
Crabb." The child went by the name of Tribby. Scores of such names
could be cited. In Saybrook, Connecticut, is a family by the name
of Beman, whose children are successively named as follows:--1.
Jonathan Hubbard Lubbard Hunk Dan Dunk Peter Jacobus Lackny Christian
Beman. 2. Prince Fredrick Henry Jacob Zaccheus Christian Beman. 3.
Queen Caroline Sarah Rogers Ruhamah Christian Beman. 4. Charity
Freelove Ruth Grace Mercy Truth Faith and Hope and Peace Pursue
I'll-have-no-more-to-do-for-that-will-go-clear-through-Christian Beman.
A POLITE MAN.--311.
"My deceased uncle," says an American writer, "was the most polite
man in the world. He was making a voyage on the Mississippi and the
boat sank. My uncle was just on the point of drowning. He got his
head above water for once, took off his hat, and said, 'Ladies and
gentlemen, will you please excuse me?' and down he went."
FINE WRITING.--312.
We like fine writing when it is properly applied, so we appreciate
the following burst of eloquence:--"As the ostrich uses both legs and
wings when the American courser bounds in her rear--as the winged
lightnings leap from the heavens when the thunderbolts are loosed--so
does a little boy run when a big dog is after him."
"MAILS" AND FEMALES.--313.
A New England postmaster complains that too much courting goes on in
his office. The females give him more trouble than the "mails."
AN UNKIND REMINDER.--314.
A negro boy was driving a mule, when the animal suddenly stopped short
and refused to move. "Won't go, eh?" said the boy; "feel grand, do
you? I s'pose you forget your fader was a jackass."
"CLIMACTERIC SUBLIMITY."--315.
The following peroration to an eloquent harangue, addressed to
a jury by a lawyer in Ohio, is a rare specimen of climacteric
sublimity:--"And now the shades of night had shrouded the earth
in darkness. All nature lay wrapped in solemn thought, when these
defendant ruffians came rushing like a mighty torrent from the hills,
down upon the abodes of peace, broke open the plaintiff's door,
separated the weeping mother from her crying infant, and took away--my
client's rifle, gentlemen of the jury, for which we claim fifteen
dollars."
MORE LAUGHABLE THAN LOGICAL.--316.
A temperance lecturer, in addressing an audience in Boston, said,
"Parents, you have children, or, if you have not, your daughters may
have."
THE LAW OF COMPENSATION.--317.
Joe being rather remiss in his Sunday-school lesson, the teacher
remarked that he hadn't a very good memory. "No, ma'am," said he,
hesitating, "but I have got a first-rate forgettery!"
COULDN'T MAKE AN IMPRESSION.--318.
A little boy, of four years, who had been lectured by his aunt on the
evil of disobedience to parents, was shown the example of a boy who
disobeyed his mother, and went to the river and got drowned. "Did he
die?" said Bobby, who had given the story due attention. "Yes," was
the serious reply. "What did they do with him?" asked Bobby, after a
moment's reflection. "Carried him home," replied his aunt, with due
solemnity. After turning the matter over in his mind, as it was hoped
profitably, he looked up and closed the conversation by asking, "Why
didn't they chuck him in again."
THE MINISTER'S RECEPTION.--319.
A certain lady one day had been much annoyed by the ringing of her
door-bell by the mischievous boys in the vicinity, and determined to
be made no more a fool of by going to the door. In the course of the
forenoon, however, her minister called to see her, dressed in his
nicest manner. He ascended the steps, and gently drew the bell-handle,
when the lady shouted from the entry--"I see you, my boy! if I catch
you I'll wring your neck!" The affrighted gentleman rushed down the
steps through a crowd of young scamps, and was not seen at the lady's
house again.
PRINTERS' MISTAKES.--320.
During the Mexican war, one newspaper hurriedly announced an important
item of news from Mexico, that General Pillow and thirty-seven of his
men had been lost in a _bottle_. Some other paper informed the public
not long ago "that a man in a brown surtout was yesterday brought
before the police court, on a charge of having stolen a small _ox_
from a lady's workbag. The stolen property was found in his waistcoat
pocket." "A _rat_" says another paper, "descending the river, came
in contact with a steamboat, and so serious was the injury done to
the boat that great exertions were necessary to save it." An English
paper once stated that the Russian General Raekinoffkowsky "was found
dead with a long _word_ in his mouth." It was, perhaps, the same paper
that, in giving a description of a battle between the Poles and the
Russians, said that "the conflict was dreadful, and the enemy was
repulsed with great _laughter_." Again: "A gentleman was yesterday
brought up to answer the charge of having _eaten_ a stage driver for
demanding more than his fare. At the late Fourth of July dinner, in
the town of Charlestown, none of the poultry were eatable except the
_owls_."
PLAIN ENOUGH.--321.
A Western editor, in reply to a contemporary, says to him, "The fact
is as evident as the nose on your face, or the whisky blossoms on the
countenance of your Mayor."
ONE OF THE PRESS.--322.
A very fat man having taken his seat in an omnibus already crowded, to
the great annoyance of the passengers, several, with partial breathing
and muttering lips, inquired who such a lump of flesh as the new comer
could be. "I don't know," said a wag, "but, judging from the effect he
produces, I should suppose him a member of the Press."
ANOTHER BURST OF ELOQUENCE.--323.
In a stump speech somewhere out West--the usual locality--a windy
orator recently got up before an assemblage of his intelligent
countrymen, and said: "Sir, after much reflection, consideration, and
examination, I have calmly, deliberately, and carefully come to the
determined conclusion, that in cities where the population is very
large there are a greater number of men, women, and children, than in
cities where the population is less. And I firmly believe there is not
a man, woman, or child in all this vast assembly that has reached the
age of fifty or upwards but has felt this mighty truth rolling through
his breast for centuries."
THE REASON WHY.--324.
An American wag says that the reason why more marriages take place in
winter than in summer is because the gentlemen require comforters and
the ladies muffs.
THE CLERGYMAN AND THE LAWYER.--325.
The following incident is of recent date, and the witness was a
clergyman. Scene, a crowded court: trial, an action on the warranty of
a horse, commonly called a horse cause. Witness, a clergyman, who was
sworn in his examination-in-chief that in his opinion the horse was
sound.--Counsel: Well, you don't know anything about horses. You're a
parson, you know.--Witness: I have a good deal of knowledge respecting
horses.--Counsel: You think you have, I dare say, but we may think
otherwise. I wonder, now, whether you know the difference between a
horse and a cow.--Witness: Yes, I dare say I do.--Counsel: Now, then,
tell the jury the difference between a horse and a cow.--Witness:
Gentlemen, one great difference between these two animals is, that
the one has horns and the other has not; much the same difference,
gentlemen, that exists between a _bull_ and a _bully_ (turning to
counsel). (Roars of laughter, Judge joining.)--Counsel (very angrily):
I dare say you thought that very funny, sir?--Witness: Well, I don't
think it was bad, and several of the audience seem to be of the same
opinion.
EDITORIAL FIX.--326.
A Western editor must be in a bad fix. Having dunned a subscriber for
his subscription, he not only refused to pay, but threatened to flog
the editor if he stopped the paper.
A MEAT BABY.--327.
A wee little girl in Boston besought her mother, when she was
going out shopping the other day, to bring her home a baby. The
indulgent parent selected a pretty doll, and on her return made the
presentation, expecting to see her daughter greatly pleased with it.
But the precious child could hardly keep the tears from her eyes, as
she disappointedly exclaimed, "I don't want that--I want a _meat_
baby!"
THE LAPSE OF AGES.--328.
An exchange asks, very innocently, if it is any harm for young ladies
to sit in the lapse of ages? Another replies, that it all depends on
the kind of ages selected. Those from eighteen to twenty-five it puts
down as extra hazardous.
PERILS OF THE "FOURTH ESTATE."--329.