and Thomas Jones. Both were fond of dropping into Mr. Smith's parlour
and spending an hour or two with his only daughter, Mary. One evening,
when Brown and Mary had discussed almost every topic, Brown suddenly,
in his sweetest tones, struck out as follows:--"Do you think, Mary,
you could leave father and mother, this pleasant home, with all its
ease and comforts, and go to the far West with a young lawyer, who had
but little besides his profession to depend upon, and with him search
out a new home, which it should be your joint duty to beautify, and
make delightful and happy like this?" Dropping her head softly on his
shoulders, she whispered, "I think I could, Archy." "Well," said he,
"there's Tom Jones, who's going West, and wants to get a wife; I'll
mention it to him."
ABSENCE OF MIND.--231.
The _Lowell Journal_ gives an account of a rich scene that occurred
in one of the Lowell hotels recently. A lodger, who had been on a
spree the previous evening, arose in the morning and rang the bell
violently. Boots appeared. "Where are my pants? I locked my door
last night, and somebody has stolen them?" Boots was green, and a
little terrified. He left, however, struck with a sudden thought, and
returned with the identical pants. The landlord was called to receive
complaints against Boots; but he made it evident that the man had put
out his pantaloons to be blacked instead of his boots. The lodger left
in the first train.
KEEN AND SIGNIFICANT.--232.
When the editor of the _Bulletin_ said, "We are under conviction
that," &c., the editor of the _Sunday Mercury_ retorted: "This is
not the first time that the editor of the _Bulletin_ has been _under
conviction_!"
A LEGAL TOAST.--233.
At a recent railroad dinner, in compliment to the legal fraternity,
the toast was given:--"An honest lawyer, the noblest work of God;" but
an old farmer in the back part of the hall rather spoiled the effect
by adding, in a loud voice, "And about the scarcest."
RATHER 'CUTE.--234.
A Western editor was recently requested to send his paper to a distant
patron, provided he would take his pay in "trade." At the end of the
year he found that his new subscriber was a coffin maker.
NOVEL HINT FROM THE PULPIT.--235.
The _Seneca Advertiser_ tells the following:--The pastor of a certain
church not a thousand miles from this place a few Sabbaths ago,
when about to baptize a child, reproved the flock in the following
fashion:--"My dear people, I fear that you are neglecting parental
duties, as this is only the second child presented for baptism during
my pastoral connection with this church." (Sensation among the
crinoline.)
TIRED OF HIS BOARDING-HOUSE.--236.
A prisoner of war advertises from Johnson's Island, in a New York
journal, for a substitute to take his place in the military prison
there:--"Wanted.--A substitute to stay here in my place. He must be
30 years old; have a good moral character; A 1 digestive powers, and
not addicted to writing poetry. To such a one all the advantages of
a strict retirement, army rations, and unmitigated watchfulness to
prevent them from getting lost, are offered for an indefinite period.
Address me at Block 1, Room 12, Johnson's Island Military Prison, at
any time for the next three years, enclosing half a dozen postage
stamps.--ASA HARTZ."
THE AMERICAN PLATFORMS.--237.
The _Croydon Democrat_ publishes the following platform arranged to
suit all parties. The first column is the Secession platform, the
second is the Abolition platform; and the whole read together is
the Democratic platform. The platform is like the Union--as a whole
it is Democratic, but divided, one half is Secession, and the other
Abolition:--
Hurrah for The old Union
Secession Is a curse
We fight for The constitution
The Confederacy Is a league with hell
We love Free speech
The rebellion Is treason
We glory in A free press
Separation Will not be tolerated
We fight not for The negroes' freedom
Reconstruction Must be obtained
We must succeed At every hazard
The Union We love
We love not The negro
We never said Let the Union slide
We want The Union as it was
Foreign intervention Is played out
We cherish The old flag
The stars and bars Is a flaunting lie
We venerate The _habeas corpus_
Southern chivalry Is hateful
Death to Jeff. Davis
Abe Lincoln Isn't the Government
Down with Mob law
Law and order Shall triumph.
ALL HUMAN.--238.
A Vermont farmer sent to an orphan asylum for a boy that was smart,
active, tractable, prompt, and industrious, clean, pious, intelligent,
good looking, reserved, and modest. The superintendent replied that
their boys were all human, though they were orphans, and referred him
to the New Jerusalem if he wanted to get the order filled.
CONDITIONAL FORGIVENESS.--239.
A negro about dying, was told by his minister that he must forgive
a certain darkey against whom he seemed to entertain very bitter
feelings. "Yes sah," he replied, "if I dies I forgive dat nigga; but
if I gets well, dat nigga must take care."
ILLEGIBLE MANUSCRIPTS.--240.
What guessers printers must be! A New York editor, in descanting upon
the guess-at-half-of-it style of writing in which many articles are
sent to be printed, gives the following amusing specimen. A piece of
poetry before him, written in what, at a reasonable glance, seemed to
be intelligible, when examined a little closer appeared to present the
following:--
Alone toss'd rolls a tear by Moses,
A many things we mourn by day;
Tom and the shouting Indian chorus,
And seethe their lambs at play.
Knowing, however, that his correspondent was not a fool, he more
carefully examined it, and he guesses that the following version is
nearer the author's intentions:--
I love to stroll at early morn
Among the new-mown hay,
To mark the sprouting Indian corn,
And see the lambs at play.
A CLOSE WITNESS.--241.
During a recent trial at Auburn, the following occurred to vary the
monotony of the proceedings:--Among the witnesses was one as verdant
a specimen of humanity as one would wish to meet with. After a
severe cross-examination the counsel for the Government paused, and
then putting on a look of severity and ominous shake of the head,
exclaimed, "Mr. Witness, has not an effort been made to induce you to
tell a different story?" "A different story from what I have told,
sir?" "That is what I mean." "Yes, sir; several persons have tried
to get me to tell a different story from what I have told, but they
couldn't." "Now, sir, upon your oath, I wish to know who these persons
are." "Wall, I guess you've tried 'bout as hard as any of them." The
witness was dismissed, while judge, jury, and spectators indulged in a
hearty laugh.
A SATISFACTORY REASON.--242.
A few days ago an Englishman came into a grocery to make a few
purchases, but was not suited with prices, so he broke out with, "What
a bloody country! I could get more for twopence at home than I can
'ere for 'arf a crown." "Why the devil didn't you stay at 'ome?" said
the angry groceryman. "I'll tell you," replied John Bull; "I couldn't
get the twopence."
THE OLD KING'S ARM.--243.
The old king's arm had a barrel as long as a rail, requiring some
little time for a musket-ball to get out of it. A sportsman, in
speaking of its peculiarities, said: "I once aimed at a robin, snapped
the lock four times, then looked into the muzzle, saw the charge
coming out, raised the gun again, took aim, and killed the bird."
REASONS FOR NOT JOINING THE CHURCH.--244.
Two lawyers in Lowell were returning from court, when the one said
to the other: "I've a notion to join Rev. Mr. ----'s church; been
debating the matter for some time. What do you think of it?" "Wouldn't
do it," said the other. "Well, why?" "Because it could do you no
possible good, while it would be a great injury to the church."
IRISH EXHORTATION.--245.
An Irishman in Pittsburgh, who was exhorting the people against
profane swearing, said he was grieved to see what he had seen in that
town. "My friends," said he, "such is the profligacy of the people
around here that even little children, who can neither walk nor talk,
may be seen runing about the streets cursing and swearing!"
IN LOVE WITH THE DEVIL.--246.
A Country exchange says:--As our "Devil" was going home with his
sweetheart, a few evening since, she said to him, "Dick, I fear I
shall never get to Heaven." "Why?" asked the knight of the ink-keg.
"Because," said she, with a melting look, "I love the _Devil_ so well!"
HOW MR. LINCOLN SHAKES HANDS.--247.
The correspondent of the _New York World_, in an account of Mr.
Lincoln's late visit to Philadelphia, writes:--"Mr. Lincoln passed
some time in shaking hands. This salutation is with him a peculiarity.
It is not the pump-handle 'shake,' nor a twist, nor a spasmodic motion
from side to side, nor yet a reach towards the knee and a squeeze
at arm's length. When Mr. Lincoln performs this rite, it becomes a
solemnity. A ghastly smile overspreads his peculiar countenance; then,
after an instant's pause, he suddenly thrusts his 'flapper' at you,
as a sword is thrust in tierce; you feel your hand enveloped as in a
fleshy vice, a cold clamminess overspreads your unfortunate digits, a
corkscrew burrows its way from your finger nails to your shoulder, the
smile disappears, and you know that you are unshackled. You carefully
count your fingers to see that none of them are missing, or that they
have not become assimilated in a common mass."
HARD SCRABBLE.--248.
A farmer who lives on a certain hill, called "Hard Scrabble," in
Central New York, says that last summer, owing to the drought and poor
land together, the grass was so short they had to lather it before
they could mow it!
I WOULD IF I COULD.--249.
A young lady was told by a married lady that she had better
precipitate herself off the Niagara Falls into the basin beneath than
marry. The young lady replied, "I would, if I thought I could find a
husband at the bottom."
A SOLEMN HOUR.--250.
An old "revolutioner" says of all the solemn hours he ever saw, that
occupied in going home one dark night from the Widow Bean's, after
being told by her daughter Sally that he "needn't come again," was the
most solemn.
PROVERBS.--PRESERVED BY JOSHUA BILLINGS, ESQ.--251.
Don't swop with your relashuns unless you kin afford to give them
the big end of the trade. Marry young, and, if circumstances require
it, often. If you can't git good cloathes and edication too, git the
cloathes. Say how are you to everybody. Kultivate modesty, but mind
and keep a good stock of impudence on hand. Bee charitable--three
cent. pieces were made on purpose. It costs more to borry than it does
to buy. Ef a man flatters yu, yu can kalkerlate he is a roge, or you
are a fule. Keep both ize open, but don't see morn harlf you notis.
If you ich for fame, go into a grave-yard and scratch yourself agin a
tume stone. Young man, be more anxus about the pedigre yur going to
leave than you are about the wun somebody's going to leave you. Sin is
like weeds--self-sone and sure to cum. Two lovers, like two armies,
generally git along quietly until they are engaged.
BRIGHAM YOUNG'S WIVES.--252.
Artemus Ward writes that he is tired of answering the questions as to
how many wives Brigham Young has. He says that all he knows about it
is that he one day used up the multiplication table in counting the
long stockings on a clothes-line in Brigham's back yard, and went off
feeling dizzy.
THE OTHER SIDE.--253.
One story is good until another is told, and the advice to "have
both sides" is old, but always good. The annoyance caused by ladies
in street-cars has been so frequently dwelt on that it has come to
be accepted as a matter of course that the wearers of crinoline
are sinners above all among the occupants of street-cars. But read
the following indictment drawn up against the male persuasion of
street-car society, and see if the account is not about balanced.
What "female nuisance" can surpass, for instance, the man who crosses
his legs, or puts his foot upon his knee, allowing a dirty boot to
wipe itself on good clothes passing him; the man who gets in chewing
the stump of a cigar, and declines to throw it away because he is
not smoking, and consequently stenches the whole conveyance; the man
who sits sideways when the seat is crowded; the man who fidgets in
a crowded seat; the man who, in getting out, lifts his feet so high
as to wipe the knees of every passer-by; the man who enters with a
paint pot; the ever-talkative man, who insists on drawing you into
conversation, and boring you with his ideas political; the man who is
deep in his cups; the ill-natured, ugly-looking man, who frightens all
children in arms; the over-dressed man, who is afraid of being mussed;
the rowdy man, who is spoiling for a fight; the fat man, who occupies
too much room; the lean man, who cuts you with his sharp hones; the
pretty man, who smirks so disgustingly; the man who wants to pick your
pocket; the friendly man, who requests a loan; the man with a writ;
the man that smells of garlic; the man that perfumes with musk; the
vanity man, who displays all the money he has while searching for a
five-cent. postal; the lazy man, who never hurries to get on or off;
the unaccommodating man, who refuses to have his basket placed on the
front platform; the man who treads on your newly-blacked boots; the
man who asks for a chew of tobacco; the profane man; the subscription
man; the insane man, on his way to the insane asylum; the man who asks
you the time of day when you are _minus_ a watch; and the man who
wants to be over-polite to your wife.
EDITORS EXCHANGING COMPLIMENTS.--254.
The _Louisville Journal_--an impudent, one-horse Kentucky concern,
conducted by a walking whisky-bottle--says that one of our
correspondents deprived it of its maps and despatches from Sherman's
army. The _Journal_ is unable to pay even wages to its correspondents,
and relies upon us for the news. Our correspondent purchased the maps
and intelligence referred to from one of the starving reporters of the
_Journal_, in order to save him from putting an end to his miserable
existence, since he could live no longer on the bottle of Bourbon a
week with which the _Journal_ supplied him. The Western editors are
all whisky-bottles, their reporters are all whisky, and their papers
have all the fumes of that beverage without any of its strength.
So much for the slanders of the _Louisville Journal_.--(_New York
Herald._) From the _Louisville Journal_:--This paragraph is the one to
which, without having seen it, we referred yesterday in our notice of
W. F. G. Shanks, a war correspondent of the _New York Herald_. That
paper says that its correspondent purchased from ours the map and the
intelligence referred to; this is the map and the rebel newspapers
mentioned by us yesterday. This is all a base and unmitigated
falsehood. The map was given to the _Herald's_ correspondent upon a
condition which he scandalously violated, and he feloniously broke
the seals of the papers and stole their contents for the use of his
thieving employers. The employers and the _employé_, instead of
throwing a stone at us, ought to be pecking the article in the State
prison. It is not supposable that any paper on earth could have aught
to gain from a dispute with the _New York Herald_. The editor of
that concern is so low down that fifty millstones around his neck,
waist, arms, and legs, couldn't sink him lower. Notoriously, he has
been oftener kicked and horsewhipped than any other man in the United
States. Whoever has had the slightest fancy for horsewhipping or
kicking him has done it. The licence to operate on him in either way,
or both, couldn't have been more perfect if he had worn the word "to
let" in chalk-marks upon his shoulders and coat-tail. When he has
waked up each morning, his reflection has been, "Now, is it to be
a horsewhipping or a kicking to-day?" and occasionally it has been
both, eked out with a smart nose-pulling. In fact, his nose has been
so frequently twisted that it is an entirely one-sided affair, and we
think that in common fairness "the twister" should be sentenced by a
court of justice to "untwist the twist." The editor of the _Herald_
is said to have a great deal of money, but his kicks far exceed
his coppers. The only time he was ever known to thank God was when
sharp-toed boots and shoes were changed to square-toed. It is said
that by long experience he could always tell, when kicked, whether the
application was made by boots, shoes, brogans, or slippers; at what
particular store the article was bought, what was its cost, what its
quality, and whether it was made of the hide of Durhams, short-horned
Alderneys, Herefords, or Devons. When cattle were killed, it was a
frequent understanding that while the fat was to be tried on the fire
the leather was to be tried on the editor of the _Herald_. He is
regarded as being undoubtedly the best judge of leather in New York;
not that he is a leather-dealer, but that leather-dealers have had so
much to do with him. He has come so often in contact with leather that
the part of him chiefly concerned has itself become leather; so he not
only walks upon leather when he walks, but sits upon leather when he
sits. The editor of the _Herald_ has lived a good deal longer than he
ought to have done, but it is to be hoped that he can't live always.
And if he ever dies, his hide should be tanned to leather--that is,
the small portion of it that hasn't already been--his hair used as
shoemaker's bristles, and his bones made into shoeing-horns.
A SLASHING ARTICLE.--255.
Editors, like other shrewd men, must live with their eyes and ears
open. The following story is told of one who started a paper in a
western town. The town was infested by gamblers, whose presence was a
source of annoyance to the citizens, who told the editor that if he
did not come out against them they would not patronize his paper. He
replied that he would give them a "smasher" next day. Sure enough,
his next issue contained the promised "smasher;" and on the following
morning the redoubtable editor, with scissors in hand, was seated in
his sanctum, when in walked a large man, with a horse-whip in his
hand, who demanded to know if the editor was in. "No, sir," was the
reply, "he has stepped out. Take a seat, and read the papers--he will
return in a minute." Down sat the indignant man of cards, crossed
his legs with his whip between them, and commenced reading a paper.
In the meantime the editor quietly vamoosed downstairs, and at the
landing he met another excited man with a cudgel in his hand, who
asked if the editor was in? "Yes, sir," was the quick response, "you
will find him seated upstairs, reading a newspaper." The latter, on
entering the room, with a furious oath, commenced a violent assault
upon the former, which was resisted with equal ferocity. The fight was
continued till they had both rolled to the foot of the stairs, and had
pounded each other to their heart's content.
A NOVEL VERDICT.--256.
A coroner's jury in Boston returned as a verdict, in the case of a
woman who died suddenly, that "she died from congestion of the brain,
caused by _overtipulation_."
AMERICAN NOTION OF VILLANY.--257.
The man that will take a newspaper for a length of time and then send
it back "refused" and unpaid for, would swallow a blind dog's dinner,
and then stone the dog for being blind.
CONFESSION OF A CLERGYMAN.--258.
A clergyman was lately depicting before a deeply-interested audience
the alarming increase of intemperance, when he astonished his hearers
by exclaiming: "A young woman in my neighbourhood died very suddenly
last Sabbath, while I was preaching the gospel in a state of beastly
intoxication!"
PERSONAL.--259.
A contemporary having published a long leader on "hogs," a rival paper
in the same village upbraids him for obtruding his family matters upon
the public.
AWKWARD COINCIDENCE.--260.
An American divine preached one Sunday morning from the text--"Ye
are the children of the devil," and in the afternoon, by a funny
coincidence, from the words, "Children, obey your parents."
HOW TO GET A SEAT BY THE FIRE.--261.
A traveller came into a country hotel in Wisconsin upon a very cold
day, and could get no room near the fire, whereupon he called to the
ostler to fetch a peck of oysters, and give them to his horse. "Will
your horse eat oysters?" replied the ostler. "Try him," said the
gentleman. The loafing guests running immediately to see this wonder,
the fireside was cleared, and the gentleman had his choice of seats.
The ostler brought back the oysters, and said the horse would not
touch them. "Won't he?" said the stranger. "Why, then, bring them
here; I shall be forced to eat them myself."
RIVALLING NATURE.--262.
Cotton being scarce, a Yankee "patriot" has invented, and is
selling like hot dumplings, india-rubber breastworks for ladies,
as his advertisement says:--"Rivalling nature in grace, shape, and
elasticity!"
THE SUBLIME AND RIDICULOUS.--263.
"Woman is most beautiful when in tears, like a rose wet with
the crystal dew."--_Mobile Examiner._ "We suppose the editor
of the _Examiner_ whips his wife every Sunday to make her look
beautiful."--_Baltimore Sun._
A SENSIBLE WOMAN.--264.
A lady that would please herself in marrying was warned that her
intended, although a good sort of a man, was very singular. "Well,"
replied the lady, "if he is very much unlike other men, he is much
more likely to be a good husband."
ANOTHER DISCOVERY.--265.
The other day a crowd was assembled around a drunken man lying at full
length in the street. They resorted to every known means to arouse
him; they rubbed his ears, then his hands, and shook him violently,
but all to no avail, for John Whisky had got too strong a hold on him.
Presently, a boy came along who was selling brewers' yeast, which he
carried in a pail. "What's the matter?" queried the hopeful; "can't
you get him up? Well, I can. If this yeast won't raise him, he's a
goner, for it'll raise anything that ever grew." Accordingly, he
poured about half a pint down the man's neck, and, sure enough, to
the surprise of all, it raised him instantly, and he went on his way,
growing taller every minute.
UNNECESSARY APPREHENSION.--266.
A fellow, who was being led to execution, told the officers not to
take him through a certain street, lest a merchant who resided there
should arrest him for an old debt.
EITHER WAY WILL DO.--267.
"Will you have me, Sarah?" said a young man to a modest girl. "No,
John," said she, "but you may have me, if you will."
A MOOTED QUESTION.--268.
It is a mooted question whether St. Paul was ever married. Eusebius
says he was a widower, which would usually imply that he had been. We
opine that he was, from the hearty manner in which he discouraged the
institution.
PARTING FRIENDS.--269.
A clergyman travelling in California encountered a panther, of which
he subsequently wrote as follows: "I looked at him long enough to
note his brown and glossy coat, his big, glaring eyes, his broad and
well-developed muzzle, and his capacious jaws, when both of us left
the spot, and, I am pleased to add, in opposite directions."
HOW TO DO BUSINESS.--270.
It is told of a well-known American map-agent out here, that on a
recent trip in the interior of the island, he was attacked by highway
robbers, who demanded his money. Being more prudent than to carry
money into the country, they failed in making a haul. "But," said our
Yankee, "I have some splendid maps of the island along with me, which
I should like to show you;" and in a twinkling he was off his horse,
and a map stuck up on a pole, and explained it so effectually that he
sold each of the banditti a map, pocketed the money, and resumed his
journey, better off for the encounter.
EXEMPT, DECIDEDLY.--271.
"Ugh! How do you make out that you are exempt, eh?" "I am over age, I
am a negro, a minister, a cripple, a British subject, and a habitual
drunkard."
A LONE NIGGER.--272.