gentleman of the old fogey school blundered into the wrong shop. "Is
the doctor in?" "Don't live here," said the lawyer, who was in full
scribble over some old documents. "Oh! I thought this was his office?"
"Next door." "Pray, sir, can you tell me if he has many patients?"
"Not living." The old gentleman told the story in the vicinity, and
the doctor threatened the lawyer with a libel suit.
CRIMINAL DIDN'T SEE IT.--192.
A criminal being asked, in the usual form, why judgment of death
should not be passed against him, answered: "Why, I think there has
been quite enough said about it already. If you please, we'll drop the
subject."
A RETURNED SOLDIER'S LETTER TO HIS NURSE.--193.
"Dear Miss T----, I set down to tell you that I've arove hum, an wish
I was sum whar else. I've got 3 bully boys an they are helpin me about
getting the garden sass into the groun but they haint got no mother an
I've a house and a kow and I thort youd be kinder handy to take care
of um if youd stoop so much. Ive thort of you ever sense I com from
the hospittle and how kinder jimmy you used to walk up an down them
wards. You had the best gate I ever see an my 1st wife stepped off jes
so an she paid her way I tell you. I like to work and the boys likes
to work an I kno you do an so Ide like to jine if youv no objections
an now Ive made so bold to rite sich but I was kinder pushed on by my
feelins an so I hope youl excuse it an rite soon. I shant be mad If
you say no but its no harm to ask an as I sa I cant help ritin an the
boys names are Zeberlon Shadrac an peter they want to see you as dos
your respecful friend which oes his present health to you.--JOSEPH
C----."
SUPERFLUOUS TESTIMONIAL.--194.
Prentice, of the _Louisville Journal_, notices the presentation of a
silver cup to a brother editor thus: "He needs no cup. He can drink
from any vessel that contains liquor, whether the neck of a bottle,
the mouth of a pickle-jar, the spill of a keg, or the bung of a
barrel."
HARD UP.--195.
An officer, arrived at Chattanooga, inquired of a negro where he
could find accommodations for his horse. "Don't know, sah, 'bout de
'commodations. De fence rails is all gone, and dar ain't nothin' for
'em to eat any more, only a few barn-doors, an' we want dem for the
general's horses."
PRESIDENTIAL PUNS.--196.
Mr. Lincoln, in his happier moments, is not always reminded of a
"little story," but often indulges in a veritable joke. One of the
latest reported is his remark when he found himself attacked by the
varioloid. He had been recently very much worried by people asking
favours. "Well," said he, when the contagious disease was coming upon
him, "I've got something now that I can give to everybody." About
the time when there was considerable grumbling as to the delay in
forwarding to the troops the money due to them, a western paymaster,
in full major's attire, was one day introduced at a public reception.
"Being here, Mr. Lincoln," said he, "I thought I'd call and pay my
respects." "From the complaints of the soldiers," responded the
President, "I guess that's about all any of you do pay." The President
is rather vain of his height, but one day a young man called on him
who was certainly three inches taller than the former; he was like the
mathematical definition of the straight line--length without breadth.
"Really," said Mr. Lincoln, "I must look up to you; if you ever get in
a deep place you ought to be able to wade out." That reminds us of the
story told of Mr. Lincoln somewhere, when a crowd called him out. He
came out on the balcony with his wife (somewhat below medium height),
and made the following "brief remarks:"--"Here I am, and here is Mrs.
Lincoln. That's the long and short of it."
OPENNESS OF COUNTENANCE.--197.
"Well, how do you like the looks of the varmint?" said a south-wester
to a down-easter, who was gazing with round-eyed wonder, and evidently
for the first time, at a huge alligator, with wide open jaws, on
the muddy banks of the Mississippi. "Wal," replied the Yankee, "he
ain't what yeow call a handsome critter, but he's got a great deal of
openness when he smiles."
HOLDING THE STAKES.--198.
An individual at the races was staggering about the track, with more
liquor than he could carry. "Hallo, what's the matter now?" said a
chap whom the inebriated man had run against. "Why--hic--why, the fact
is--hic--a lot of my friends have been betting liquor on the race
to-day, and they have got me to hold the stakes."
THE JUDGE AND HIS COACHMAN.--199.
One day, when Mr. Bates was remonstrating with Mr. Lincoln against
the appointment of some indifferent lawyer to a place of judicial
importance, the President interposed with, "Come, now, Bates, he's not
half so bad as you think. Besides that, I must tell you, he did me a
good turn long ago. When I took to the law, I was going to court one
morning, with some ten or twelve miles of bad road before me, and I
had no horse. The judge overtook me in his waggon. 'Hello, Lincoln,
are you not going to the court-house? Come in, and I'll give you a
seat.' Well, I got in, and the judge went on reading his papers.
Presently, the waggon struck a stump on one side of the road; then
it hopped off to the other. I looked out, and I saw the driver was
jerking from side to side in his seat; so, says I, 'Judge, I think
your coachman has been taking a little drop too much this morning.'
'Well, I declare, Lincoln,' said he, 'I should not much wonder if
you are right, for he has nearly upset me half a dozen times since
starting.' So, putting his head out of the window, he shouted, 'Why,
you infernal scoundrel, you are drunk!' Upon which, pulling up his
horses, and turning round with great gravity, the coachman said: 'By
gorra! that's the first rightful decision you have given for the last
twelvemonth.'"
A STAGE-STRUCK HOOSIER.--200.
An awkward-looking, stage-struck Hoosier went to see one of the
New Orleans theatrical managers, some time since, and solicited an
engagement. "What _rôle_ would you prefer, my friend?" asked the
manager. "Wal, squire," said the would-be Western Roscius, "I ain't
partial to rolls, nohow--corn-dodgers is my favourite."
TAKING HIS PATIENT FOR A RIDE.--201.
Dr. A----, thinking a little exercise and fresh air preferable to
physic, had taken one of his patients to ride, and was seen by Dr.
L----, who addressed Dr. A---- as follows: "Well, doctor, I saw you
taking one of your patients to ride." "Exactly," said Dr. A----.
"Well," said Dr. L----, "a thing I never do is to take my patients
out to ride." "I know it," said Dr. A----; "the undertaker does it for
you."
A SOLDIER'S FAREWELL.--202.
The following, written in pencil, was found on the body of a Union
soldier. It commenced: "I, John Wilheimer, Second New York Cavalry.
I am shot and dying. Whoever finds me, send this to Sarah Wilheimer,
Brooklyn Post-office, New York. She is my sister, and only relative
in the country. Oh! my poor sister, do not break your heart; but I
am shot through the breast and dying, and they have gone and left me
here." * * * What followed in this paragraph is obliterated by blood.
The next sentence reads: "Write to Conrad Vitmare, of our company;
he owes me fifty dollars, which he will pay you. Oh! my dear sister,
farewell!"
YANKEE BRASS.--203.
The editor of the _Brooklyn Eagle_, when arrested for hoaxing the
New York papers by a pretended proclamation of President Lincoln,
addressed the following letter to the _Eagle_ from the walls of
Lafayette:--"Dear _Eagle_,--In the language of the 'magnificent'
Vestiali, 'I am here.' I think I shall stay here, at least till I get
out. Perhaps you are surprised at my sudden departure; so was I. But
I received a pressing invitation from General Dix to come down here,
which I did not feel at liberty to decline, so I didn't. Bob Murray
brought the invitation. Bob Murray is United States marshal, and he
marshalled me the way I should go; so I thought it best to go it.
Bob is a nice man; he has a very taking way with him; but I wouldn't
recommend you to cultivate his acquaintance."
NOT TO BE WONDERED AT.--204.
Not long since, an elderly woman entered a railroad car at one of
the Ohio stations, and disturbed the passengers a good deal with
complaints about a "most dredful rheumatiz" that she was troubled
with. A gentleman present, who had himself been a severe sufferer with
the same complaint, said to her: "Did you ever try electricity, madam?
I tried it, and in the course of a short time it completely cured
me." "Electricity," exclaimed the old lady; "y-e-s, I've tried it to
my satisfaction. _I was struck with lightning_ about a year ago, but
it didn't do me a mossel o' good!"
PETE'S EXPECTATIONS.--205.
Pete, a comical son of the Emerald Isle, who carried wood and water,
built fires, &c., for the "boys" at Hamilton College, is as good a
specimen of the genuine Hibernian as ever toddled into a brogan.
One of the students having occasion to reprove him one morning for
delinquency, asked him where he expected to go when he died. "Expect
to go to the hot place," said Pete, without wincing. "And what do
you expect will be your portion there?" asked the Soph, solemnly.
"Oh!" growled the old fellow, as he brushed his ear lazily with his
coat-tail, "bring wood and water for the boys."
LOOKING FOR A SITUATION UNDER GOVERNMENT.--206.
Petroleum V. Naseby writes that he had an interview with the President
lately, which terminated thus:--"'Is there any little thing I kin
do for you?' sez he. 'Nothin' particklar. I woold accept a small
post-orfis, if sitooatid within ezy range uv a distilry. My politikle
dase is well nigh over. Let me but see the old party wunst moar in the
ascendency; let these old ize wunst moar behold the constitooshun ez
it iz, the Uneyun ez it wuz, and the nigger ware he ought 2 be, and I
will rap the mantel of private life around me, and go in 2 dilirium
tremens happy. I hev no ambishen. I am in the sear and yaller leef.
These whitin' locks, them sunkin' cheeks, warn me that age and whiskey
hev dun their puffek work, and that I shall soon go hents. Linkin,
scorn not my words. I hev sed. Adoo.'"
IN BLACK AND WHITE.--207.
A white man not long since sued a black man in one of the courts of
a Free State, and while the trial was before the judge the litigants
came to an amicable settlement, and so the counsel stated to the
court. "A verbal settlement will not answer," replied the judge; "it
must be in writing." "Here is the agreement in black and white,"
responded the counsel, pointing to the parties; "pray what does your
honour want more than this?"
A GUARDED ANSWER.--208.
In one of our courts lately a man who was called upon to appear as
a witness could not be found. On the judge asking where he was, an
elderly gentleman rose up, and with much emphasis said, "Your honour,
he's gone." "Gone! gone!" said the judge, "where is he gone?" "That I
cannot inform you," replied the communicative gentleman, "but he is
dead." This is considered the best guarded answer on record.
QUEER QUERIES.--209.
Is Death's door opened with a skeleton key? Would you say a lady
dressed loud who was covered all over with bugles? Is there any
truth in the report that the Arabs who live in the desert have sandy
hair? In selling a Newfoundland dog do you know whether it is valued
according to what it will fetch or what it will bring?
DO YOU SMOKE?--210.
A sharper, seeing a country gentlemen sitting alone at an inn, and
thinking something might be made out of him, entered, and called for a
paper of tobacco. "Dou you smoke, sir?" asked the sharper. "Yes," said
the gentleman, very gravely; "any one that has a design upon me."
A RAT STORY.--211.
The _Greenfield Gazette_ is responsible for the following rat
story:--"A family in South Deer field, Massachusetts, left some
Indian meal on the bottom of an iron pan in which they had baked a
johnny-cake the night previous, in the buttery, one of the recent cold
nights, which the rats attempted to eat; but the frost on the iron
froze their tongues to the pan so that they could not release them,
and they were caught the next morning."
SUBSTITUTING ONE TREAT FOR ANOTHER.--212.
"Papa," said Mr. Brown's youngest son, the other day, "can't I go to
the circus?" "No, my pet," affectionately replied Mr. B.; "if you
are a good boy, I will take you to see your grandmother's grave this
afternoon."
HOTEL RULES AT THE "DIGGINS."--213.
The proprietor of a Reese River Hotel (according to Hoyle,
who has just returned) has posted up the following "Rules and
Regulations":--Board must be paid in advance; with beans, 15 dols.;
without beans, 12 dols. Salt free. Boarders not permitted to speak
to the cook. No extras allowed. Potatoes for dinner. "Pocketing" at
meals strictly forbidden. Gentlemen are expected to wash out of doors,
and find their own water. No charges for ice. Towel bags at the end
of the house. Extra charges for seats round the stove. Lodgers must
furnish their own straw. Beds on bar-room floor reserved for regular
customers. Persons sleeping in the bar are requested not to take off
their boots. Lodgers inside arise at five a.m.; in the barn at six
o'clock. Each man sweeps up his own bed. No quartz taken at the bar.
No fighting allowed at the table. Any one violating the above rules
will be shot.
ODD NAMES.--214.
What odd names some mortals are blessed with! We heard of a family
in Michigan whose sons were named One Stickney, Two Stickney, Three
Stickney; and whose daughters were named First Stickney, Second
Stickney, and so on. Three elder children of a family in Vermont were
named Joseph, And, Another; and it is supposed that, should they have
any more, they might have named them Also, Moreover, Nevertheless,
and Notwithstanding. Another family actually named their child Finis,
supposing that it was their last; but they afterwards happened to
have a daughter and two sons, whom they called Addenda, Appendix, and
Supplement. A man in Pennsylvania called his second son James Also,
and the third William Likewise.
LEGAL ADVICE UNDER SINGULAR CIRCUMSTANCES.--215.
A client, while bathing in the sea, saw his lawyer rise up, after
a long dive, at his side. "Ho, there Mr. ----, have you taken out a
warrant against Burt?" "He is in quod," replied the agent, and dived
again, showing his heels as a parting view to his client; nor did the
latter hear more of the interview with the shark until he got his
account, containing the entry, "To consultation at sea, anent the
incarceration of Burt, six shillings and eightpence."
SHARP CHILD.--216.
Recently the wife of one of the City fathers of New Bedford presented
her husband with three children at a birth. The delighted father took
his little daughter, four years of age, to see her new relations. She
looked at the diminutive little beings a few moments, when, turning to
her father, she inquired: "Pa, which one are you going to keep?"
TAKING THE STARCH OUT.--217.
"A capital example," writes a reader, "of what is often termed 'taking
the starch out,' happened recently in a country bank in New England. A
pompous, well-dressed individual entered the bank, and, addressing the
teller, who is something of a wag, inquired: 'Is the cashier in?' 'No,
sir,' was the reply. 'Well, I am dealing in pens--supplying the New
England banks pretty largely--and I suppose it will be proper for me
to deal with the cashier.' 'I suppose it will,' said the teller. 'Very
well; I will wait.' The pen-pedlar took a chair, and sat composedly
for a full hour, waiting for the cashier. By that time, he began to
grow uneasy, but sat twisting in his chair for about twenty minutes,
and, seeing no prospect of a change in his circumstances, asked the
teller how soon the cashier would be in. 'Well, I don't know exactly,'
said the waggish teller, 'but I expect him in about eight weeks. He
has just gone to Lake Superior, and told me he thought he should come
back in that time.' Pedlar thought he would not wait. 'Oh, stay if you
wish,' said the teller, very blandly; 'we have no objection to your
sitting here in the day time, and you can probably find some place
in town where they will be glad to keep you of nights.' The pompous
pedlar disappeared without another word."
THE EFFECT OF ELOQUENCE.--218.
One of the late Governors of South Carolina was a splendid lawyer, and
could talk a jury out of their seven senses. He was especially noted
for success in criminal cases, almost always clearing his client. He
was once counsel for a man accused of horse-stealing. He made a long,
eloquent, and touching speech. The jury retired, but returned in a
few moments, and proclaimed the man not guilty. An old acquaintance
stepped up to the prisoner, and said: "Jem, the danger is passed;
and now, honour bright, didn't you steal that horse?" To which Jem
replied: "Well, Tom, I've all along thought I took the horse; but
since I've heard the Governor's speech, I don't believe I did."
HOTEL ACCOMMODATION IN THE SOUTH.--219.
There was a traveller once, down South--say in the State of
Georgia--who, halting for the night at an inn, where he was told
that, as there were many guests, he must put up with a shakedown,
was conducted after supper to an outhouse full of cows and pigs.
"Where am I to sleep?" cried the despairing wayfarer. "Spect 'yiccan
please yisself, mas'r," answered with a grin the negro who acted as
chamberlain; "but," he continued, pointing to a corner of the lair,
where there were only two cows and no pigs, "dat's de mose fashionable
part."
A PLUMP QUESTION.--220.
The late gallant General Sumner, about twenty years ago, was captain
of a company of cavalry, and commanded Fort Atkinson, in Iowa. One of
his men, Billy G----, had received an excellent education, was of a
good family, but an unfortunate habit of mixing too much water with
his whisky had so reduced him in circumstances that out of desperation
he enlisted. Captain Sumner soon discovered his qualifications, and
as he was a good accountant and excellent penman, he made him his
confidential clerk. At times the old habit would overcome Billy's good
resolutions, and a spree would be the result. Captain Sumner, though a
rigid disciplinarian, disliked to punish him severely, and privately
gave him much good advice (after a good sobering in the guard-house),
receiving in return many thanks and promises of amendment; but his
sprees became more and more frequent. One day, after Billy had been on
a bender, the captain determined on giving him a severe reprimand, and
ordered Billy into his presence before he was fully sober. Billy came
with his eyes all blood-shot and head hanging down, when the captain
accosted him with: "So, sir, you have been drunk again, and I have
to say that this conduct must cease. You are a man of good family,
good education, ordinarily a good soldier, neat, cleanly, and genteel
in appearance, of good address, and a valuable man; yet you will get
drunk. Now I shall tell you, once for all that----" Here Billy's eyes
sparkled, and he interrupted his superior with: "Beg pardon, captain,
did you say that--hic--I was a man of good birth and education?" "Yes,
I did." "And that I was a good soldier?" "Certainly." "That usually
I--I--am neat and genteel?" "Yes, Billy." "And that I am a valuable
man?" "Yes; but you will get drunk." Billy drew himself up with great
dignity, and throwing himself on his reserved rights, indignantly
exclaimed: "Well now, Captain Sumner, do you really think Uncle Sam
expects--to--to--to get all the _cardinal virtues for twelve dollars a
month_?"
THE CORDS OF HYMEN.--221.
A poetical feminine, who found the cords of Hymen not so silky as she
expected, gives vent to feelings in the following regretful stanzas.
The penultimate line is peculiarly comprehensive and expansive:--
"When I was young I used to earn
My living without trouble;
Had clothes and pocket-money too,
And hours of pleasure double.
"I never dream'd of such a fate,
When I A-LASS was courted--
Wife, mother, nurse, seamstress, cook, housekeeper,
chambermaid, laundress, dairy-woman, and scrub generally,
doing the work of six,
For the sake of being supported."
CURE FOR FAINTING.--222.
A New York man, who had not been out of the city for years, fainted
away in the pure air of the country. He was only resuscitated by
putting a dead fish to his nose, when he slowly revived, exclaiming,
"That's good--it smells like home!"
A CHEAP TREAT.--223.
A hard-shell preacher, in discoursing about Daniel in the lion's
den, said: "And there he sat all night long, looking at the show for
nothing, and it didn't cost him a cent."
JOSH BILLINGS INSURES HIS LIFE.--224.
I kum to the conclusion lately that life was so onsartin, that the
only way for me to stand a fair chance with other folks was to get my
life insured, and so I called on the agent of the Garden Angel Life
Insurance Company, and answered the following questions, which were
put to me over the top of a pair of specks by a slick little fat old
feller, with a round gray head on him as any man ever owned:--1. Are
you mail or femail? if so, state how long you have been so. 2. Had
you a father or mother? if so, which? 3. Are you subject to fits? and
if so, du yu have more than one at a time? 4. What iz your precise
fiting wate? 5. Did you ever have any ancestors? and if so, how much?
6. What is your legal opinion of the constitushunality of the ten
commandments? 7. Du yu have any night-mare? 8. Are yu married or
single, or are yu a bachelor? 9. Du yu believe in a future stait? if
yu du, stait it. 10. What are your private sentiments about a rush of
rats to the hed? can it be did successfully? 11. Hav yu ever committed
suicide? and if so, how did it affect yu? After answering the above
questions, like a man in a confirmatiff, the slick little fat old
feller with gold specks on sed I was insured for life, and probably
would remain so for some years. I thanked him, and smiled one ov my
most pensive smiles.
SHORT AND EXPRESSIVE.--225.
Some years since there was a great gathering of people at Augusta,
Maine, to take into consideration the subject of building a dam across
the Kennebec River at that point. The meeting was followed by a dinner
at the Mansion House, and the Liquor Law being a thing not yet thought
of, the bottle circulated freely, and many of the guests were getting
"jolly mellow," when Frank ----, a wag of an editor, was called on
for a toast. Frank immediately staggered to his feet, and grasping
the back of his chair with one hand, and holding aloft with the
other a tumbler of "Old Jamaica," responded somewhat emphatically:
"Gentlemen, d--n the Kennebec!--and improve its navigation," and sat
down amid a roar of applause. The dam was built.
DOW, JUNIOR.--226.
It was Dow, jun.--sacred to his memory--who said that "Life is a
country dance: down outside and back; tread on the corns of your
neighbour; poke your nose everywhere; all hands around; right and
left. Bob your cocoanut--the figure is ended. Time hangs up the
fiddle, and death puts out the lights."
A PROMPT REPLY.--227.
A little boy, some six years old, was using his slate and pencil on
the Sabbath, when his father, who was a clergyman, entered, and said:
"My son, I prefer that you should not use your slate on the Lord's
Day." "I'm making meeting-houses, father," was the prompt reply.
INTERRUPTING THE SERMON.--228.
An amusing incident says the _Selinsgrove_ (Pa.) _Post_, occurred in
one of our churches on Sunday, which caused considerable tittering
throughout the congregation. While the minister was in the midst of
his sermon, a little boy about ten years of age quietly left his
seat, took his hat, walked up to the pulpit and asked permission of
the minister to leave the church, saying that he forgot to feed the
pig. The request was granted and the boy left; but returned in a few
minutes, no doubt greatly relieved. It embarrassed the minister for
some minutes afterwards.
HOW SAM WAS CAUGHT.--229.
An old lady who was making some jam was called upon by a neighbour.
"Sam, you rascal," she said, "you'll be eating my jam when I'm away."
Sam protested he'd die first; but the whites of his eyes rolled
hungrily towards the bubbling crimson. "See here, Sam," said the
old lady, taking up a piece of chalk, "I'll chak your lips, and on
my return I'll know if you've eaten any." So saying, she passed her
forefinger over the thick lip of the darkey, holding the chalk in the
palm of her hand, and not letting it touch him. When she came back,
she did not need to ask any question, for Sam's lips were chalked a
quarter of an inch thick.
FANCY HER FEELINGS.--230.