following sketch. A lawyer in Milwaukee was defending a handsome young
woman accused of stealing from a large unoccupied dwelling in the
night-time, and thus he spake in conclusion:--"Gentlemen of the jury,
I am done. When I gaze with enraptured eyes on the matchless beauty
of this peerless virgin, on whose resplendent charms suspicion never
dared to breathe; when I behold her radiant in this glorious bloom
of lustrous loveliness, which angelic sweetness might envy but could
not eclipse--before which the star on the brow of Night grows pale,
and the diamonds of Brazil are dim--and then reflect upon the utter
madness and folly of supposing that so much beauty would expose itself
to the terrors of an empty building in the cold, damp, dead of night,
when innocence like hers is hiding itself amidst the snowy pillows of
repose; gentlemen of the jury, my feelings are too overpowering for
expression, and I throw her into your arms for protection against this
foul charge, which the outrageous malice of a disappointed scoundrel
has invented, to blast the fair name of this lovely maiden, whose
smile shall be the reward of the verdict which I know you will give."
HEAVY TOP-DRESSING.--158.
"It's all very pretty talk," said a recently married old bachelor, who
had just finished reading an essay on the "Culture of Women," just as
a heavy milliner's bill was presented to him--"it's all very pretty,
this cultivation of women; but such a charge as this for bonnets is
rather a heavy top-dressing--in my judgment."
HAIRS, NOT BRISTLES.--159.
"I am willing to split hairs with my opponent all day if he insists
on it," said a very distinguished American lawyer the other day, in a
speech at the bar. "Split _that_ then," said the opponent, pulling a
coarse specimen from his own head, and extending it. "May it please
the court, I didn't say _bristles_!"
ANTEDILUVIAN DIET.--160.
A friend thinks the antediluvian life must have been a great contrast
to ours, and pictures it thus:--"Only fancy having two dried whales
hanging in your larder, and a cold mammoth 'cut and come again' on the
sideboard. 'Shall I help you to a bit of Icthoyaturns?' 'Thank you, I
should prefer a slice of your Mastadon.' Stewed Plesiosauri! Leviathan
_à la crapoderie_! Imagine a bill, not at twelve months, but at two
hundred years; and a fellow who carried off your plate-box getting
sent to the treadmill for fourscore summers! Consider an elderly
gentleman, with a liver complaint of only one hundred years' standing,
wearing out four sets of false teeth, and finally carried off, after
a brief illness of three hundred and ten years, in a galloping
consumption!"
JIMMY O'NEIL AND PRESIDENT JACKSON.--161.
When Jackson was President, Jimmy O'Neil, the porter, was a
marked character. He had his foibles, which were offensive to the
fastidiousness of Colonel Donelson, and caused his dismissal on an
average of about once a week. But on appeal to the higher court,
the verdict was invariably reversed by the good nature of the old
general. Once, however, Jimmy was guilty of some flagrant offence,
and was summoned before the highest tribunal at once. The general,
after stating the details of the misdeed, observed, "Jimmy, I have
borne with you for years, in spite of all complaints; but in this act
you have gone beyond my powers of endurance." "And do you believe
the story?" asked Jimmy. "Certainly," answered the general: "I have
just heard it from two senators." "Faith," retorted Jimmy, "if I
believe all that twenty senators say about you it's little I'd think
you are fit to be President." "Pshaw! Jimmy," concluded the general;
"clear out and go on duty, but be more careful hereafter." Jimmy
remained with his kind-hearted patron not only to the close of his
presidential term, but, accompanying him to the Hermitage, was with
him to the day of his death.
THE ORIGIN OF "SOME PUNKIN."--162.
An old lady was engaged in making pumpkin pies; she had got the
pumpkin all prepared, when by an untoward accident the table was
overturned, and the pumpkin went on to the floor. The table in
overturning overset the slop-pail, and the slops went on the floor
too. The old lady being of a saving disposition, concluded to save
the pumpkin and clean up also; so she takes up one handful, looks
at it--"That's punkin"--puts it into the pumpkin-dish; takes up
another--"That's slops"--puts it into the slop-pail. So she goes on
picking up alternately pumpkin and slops, till finally she gets a
handful mixed. She looks at it, and says, "That is _some punkin_, but
mostly slops!" and hence the phrase.
ARTEMUS WARD ON THE NEGRO.--163.
Feller Sittersuns,--The African may be our brother. Severil hily
rispectable gentlemen and some talented females tell us so, and for
argyment sake i might be injooced to grant it, tho' I don't beleeve
it myself. But the African isn't our sister, and wife, and unkle. He
isn't severil of our brothers and fust wife's relashuns. He isn't
our grandfather and grate grandfather, and our aunt in the country.
Scarcely: And yet numeris persons would have us think. It's troo he
runs Congress and severil others grossery's, but he ain't everybody.
But we've got the African, or ruther he's got us, and how are we
going to do about it? He's a orful noosance. P'raps he isn't to blame
for it. P'raps he was created for some wise purpis, like the measles
and New England rum, but it's mity hard to see it. At any rate here,
and as I stated to Mr. What-is-it, it's a pity he coodent go off
somewheres quietly by hisself, where he cood wear red weskits and
speckled necties, and gratefy his ambition in varis interestin wayse,
without havin a eternal fuss up about him. P'raps I'm bearing down too
hard on Cuffy.
A QUAKER'S EXCUSE FOR FIRING.--164.
A good story is told of a Quaker volunteer, who was in a Virginia
skirmish. Coming in pretty close quarters with a Secessionist, he
remarked: "Friend, 'tis very unfortunate, but thee standest just where
I am going to shoot;" and, blazing away, down came his man.
BROTHER OF FOUR MILLION CHILDREN.--165.
A Kansas woman, named Million, was lately married, and by her marriage
the bride becomes sister to her father and mother and aunt to her
brothers and sisters. The groom becomes son of a younger brother, his
sister-in-law becomes his mother, and he becomes the brother of four
"Million" children. What relation were said parties previous to their
marriage?
SUSPECTING THE SHELL.--166.
When the mine dug under Fort Hill, at Vicksburg, by General Logan,
exploded, June 26th, a large number of rebels were killed and wounded.
Among others who were blown high above the works was an American
citizen of African descent, who fell on his head on the outside of the
rebel fort, and to the astonishment of our soldiers was not killed.
As some of the men ran towards the darkey, of course carrying their
arms, he rose to his feet, and shouted, "For de Lord's sake, sogers,
don't shoot dis nigger. I wasn't doin' no fighting; I was only totin'
up grub." When asked how high he had been, he replied, "Two or dree
mile, I reckon;" and on being asked how he came within our lines said,
"Dunno, massa; shell, I spec."
A SMART RAILWAY EMPLOYÉ.--167.
A railroad _employé_, whose home is in Avon, came on Saturday night
to ask for a pass down to visit his family. "You are in employ of
the railroad?" asked the gentleman applied to. "Yes." "You receive
your pay regularly?" "Yes." "Well, now suppose you were working for a
farmer instead of a railroad, would you expect your employer to hitch
up his team every Saturday night, and carry you home?" This seemed a
poser, but it wasn't. "No," said the man, promptly, "I wouldn't expect
that; but if the farmer had his team hitched up, and was going my way,
I should call him a darned mean cuss if he would not let me ride."
Mr. _Employé_ came out three minutes afterwards with a pass good for
twelve months.
THE LATE FLOYD.--168.
A gifted poet has perpetrated the following epitaph on the late
Floyd:--
"Floyd has died and few have sobb'd,
Since, had he lived, all had been robb'd;
He's paid Dame Nature's debt, 'tis said--
The only one he ever paid.
Some doubt that he resign'd his breath;
But vow that he has cheated even death.
If he is buried, oh! then, ye dead beware;
Look to your swaddlings, of your shrouds take care.
Lest Floyd should to your coffins make his way,
And steal the linen from your mould'ring clay."
A VEGETABLE HEAD.--169.
The late Judge Peters has left behind him a host of well-remembered
puns worth relating. When on the District Court Bench, he observed to
Judge Washington that one of the witnesses had a _vegetable_ head.
"How so?" was the inquiry. "He has _carroty_ hair, _reddish_ cheeks, a
_turn-up_ nose, and a _sage_ look."
OBJECTING TO MISSIONS.--170.
A wag was lately asked to contribute to foreign missions. "Not on any
account," said he. "Why not?" asked the collector, "the object is
laudable." "No, it isn't," was the reply; "not half so many people go
to the devil now as ought to."
HIS FIRST STEP.--171.
We extract the following from a popular story. It narrates the early
experience of a bashful boy:--"Well, my sister Lib gave a party one
night, and I stayed away from home because I was too bashful to face
the music. I hung around the house, whistling 'Old Dan Tucker,'
dancing to keep my feet warm, watching heads bobbing up and down
behind the window-curtains, and wishing the thundering party would
break up so I could get to my room. I smoked up a bunch of cigars, and
as it was getting late and mighty uncomfortable, I concluded to climb
up the door-post. No sooner said than done, and I found myself snug
in bed. 'Now,' says I, 'let her rip! Dance till your wind is out!'
And, cuddled under the quilts, Morpheus grabbed me. I was dreaming
of soft-shelled crabs and stewed tripe, and having a good time, when
somebody knocked at my room-door and woke me up. 'Rap,' again. I laid
low. 'Rap, rap, rap!' Then I heard a whispering, and I knew there was
a whole raft of girls outside. 'Rap, rap!' Then Lib sings out, 'Jack,
are you in there?' 'Yes,' says I; and then came a roar of laughter.
'Let us in,' says she. 'I won't,' says I. Then came another laugh. By
thunder, I began to get riled! 'Get out, you petticoated scarecrows!'
I cried; 'can't you get a beau without hauling a fellow out of bed? I
won't go home with you--I won't--so you may clear out!' And sending a
boot at the door, I felt better. But presently--O mortal buttons!--I
heard a still small voice, very like sister Lib's, and it said, 'Jack,
you'll have to get up, for all the girls' things are in there!' Oh
dear, what a pickle! Think of me in bed, all covered with shawls,
muffs, bonnets, and cloaks, and twenty girls outside waiting to get
in. As it was, I rolled out among the ribbons in a hurry. Smash went
the millinery in every direction. I had to dress in the dark, and the
way I fumbled about was death on straw hats. The critical moment at
last came. I opened the door, and found myself right among the women!
'Oh, my Leghorn!' cries one. 'My dear winter velvet!' cries another.
And they pinched in--they piled me this way and that--boxed my ears;
and one little bright-eyed piece--Sal ----, her name was--put her
arms right round my neck and kissed me right on my lips! Human nature
couldn't stand that, and I gave her as good as she sent. It was the
first time I had ever got a taste, and it was powerful good. I believe
I could have kissed that gal from Julius Cæsar to the Fourth of July.
'Jack,' said she, 'we are sorry to disturb you, but won't you see me
home?' 'Yes,' says I, 'I will.' I did do it, and had another smack at
the gate, too. After that we took a kinder turtle-doving after each
other, both of us sighing like a barrel of new cider when we were away
from each other."
HIS WIFE'S COUSIN.--172.
A country gentleman lately arrived at Boston, and immediately repaired
to the house of a relative, a lady who had married a merchant. The
parties were glad to see him, and invited him to make their house his
home, as he declared his intention of remaining in the city only a
day or two. The husband of the lady, anxious to show his attention
to a relative and friend of his wife, took the gentleman's horse
to a livery stable in Hanover Street. Finally his visit became a
visitation, and the merchant found, after the lapse of eleven days,
besides lodging and boarding the gentleman, a pretty considerable
bill had run up at the livery stable. Accordingly he went to the man
who kept the livery stable, and told him when the gentleman took his
horse he would pay the bill. "Very well," said the stable-keeper, "I
understand you." Accordingly, in a short time the country gentleman
went to the stable and ordered his horse to be got ready. The bill, of
course, was presented to him. "Oh," said the gentleman, "Mr. ----, my
relative, will pay this." "Very good," said the stable-keeper, "please
get an order from Mr. ----; it will be the same as money." The horse
was put up again, and down went the country gentleman to Long Wharf,
which the merchant kept. "Well," said he, "I am going now." "Are you?"
said the gentleman. "Well, good-bye, sir." "Well, about my horse; the
man said the bill must be paid for his keeping." "Well, I suppose that
is all right, sir." "Yes--well, but you know I'm your wife's cousin."
"Yes," said the merchant, "I know you are, but your horse is not."
YANKEE TOASTS.--173.
The following toasts were given at a recent dinner of New Jersey
Democrats:--"Blessed are the peacemakers." "The last man and the last
dollar--May the one be an Abolitionist, and the other a shin-plaster,
and may they both perish in the last ditch together." "State
rights--May they not be forgotten in delirious and bloody triumph
of State wrongs." "Things we remember--Habeas corpus and trial by
jury." "To the first Governor who shall have the virtue and courage
to keep his oath of office, and defend the constitution, laws, and
sovereignty of his State, and the rights of its citizens." "The light
of other days, when Liberty wore a white face, and America was not a
negro." "The Democratic party, as it was, before cowardice, treachery,
shoddy, and greenbacks had demoralized its councils." "The abolition
war for disunion--Let those who think it is right go to it, and those
who think it is wrong stay at home." "May those who say we shall
never have the Union as it was follow the example of their brother
traitor, Judas Iscariot, who died and went to his own place." "The
war Democrat--A white man's face on the body of a negro." "The only
possible remedy for secession and the only hope of the Union--Peace,
mutual concession, and compromise."
A BIG PUFF.--174.
A model certificate is the following:--"Dear doctor,--I will be one
hundred and seventy-five years old next October. For over eighty-four
years I have been an invalid, unable to step except when moved by a
lever. But a year ago I heard of the Granicular Syrup. I bought a
bottle, smelt the cork, and found myself a man. I can now run twelve
miles and a half an hour, and throw nineteen summersaults without
stopping."
VERY ODD THAT.--175.
A conversation took place during dinner at head-quarters at ----. A
number of officers being present, the conversation turned upon the
condition and efficiency of their different regiments. Colonel ----, of
the New York ----, stated that nine different nations were represented
in his regiment; and, after going over Irish, German, French, English,
&c., several times, could enumerate but eight. He said he was certain
there were nine, but what the ninth was he could not remember.
Lieutenant ----, who was present, suggested "Americans." "By Jove!"
says the colonel, "that's it--Americans."
HOW ALE STRENGTHENED HIM.--176.
A student of an American State College had a barrel of ale deposited
in his room--contrary, of course, to the rule and usage. He received a
summons to appear before the president, who said: "Sir, I am informed
that you have a barrel of ale in your room." "Yes, sir." "Well,
what explanation can you make?" "Why, the fact is, sir, my physician
advises me to try a little each day as a tonic; and, not wishing to
stop at the various places where the beverage is retailed, I concluded
to have a barrel taken to my room." "Indeed! and have you derived any
benefit from the use of it?" "Ah! yes, sir. When the barrel was first
taken to my room I could scarcely lift it; now I can carry it with the
greatest ease."
LUMINOUS EVIDENCE.--177.
"Johnson, you say Snow was de man dat robbed you?" "Yes." "Was it
moonlight when it took place?" "No, siree." "Was it starlight?" "I,
golly! no; it was so dark you couldn't see your hand afore your face."
"Well, was there any light shining from any house near by?" "Why,
no; there wasn't a house within a mile of us." "Well, then, if there
was no moon, no starlight, no light from any house, and so dark you
couldn't even see your hand before your face, how are you so positive
that Mr. Snow was the man, and how did you see him?" "Why, Cuff, you
see, when the nigger struck me, de fire flew out ob my eyes so bright,
that you might see to pick up a pin."
SCIPIO'S WIFE.--178.
Who was Scipio's wife? Missis-sippi-o, of course.
THE DYING SOLDIER AND HIS MOTHER.--179.
In one of the fierce engagements with the rebels near Mechanicsville,
in May last, a young lieutenant of a Rhode Island battery had his
right foot so shattered by a fragment of a shell that on reaching
Washington he was obliged to undergo amputation of the leg. He
telegraphed home, hundreds of miles away, that all was going well, and
with a soldier's fortitude composed himself to bear his sufferings
alone. Unknown to him, however, his mother, one of those dear reserves
of the army, hastened up to join the main force. She reached the city
at midnight, and the nurses would have kept her from him until the
morning. One sat by his side fanning him as he slept, her hand on the
feeble fluctuating pulsations which foreboded sad results. But what
woman's heart could resist the pleadings of a mother then? In the
darkness she was finally allowed to glide in and take the place at his
side. She touched his pulse as the nurse had done, not a word had been
spoken, but the sleeping boy opened his eyes and said, "That feels
like my mother's hand; who is this beside me? It is my mother; turn up
the gas and let me see mother!" The two dear faces met in one long,
joyful, sobbing embrace, and the fondness pent up in each heart sobbed
and panted and wept forth its expression.
CANINE RESEMBLANCE.--180.
A Boston paper says their townsman, Abel Sniggs, has a dog so closely
resembling one belonging to Tom Clegg, that it often happens that
Clegg's dog takes himself into Sniggs's house, and does not discover
his mistake until informed by the _cat_.
MARRIAGE AND SINGLE BLESSEDNESS.--181.
We subjoin a curious specimen of verse, which is both ingenious
and witty, and admits of being read in two ways. To suit the taste
and inclinations of the married, or those who propose marriage, we
transcribe it as follows; but to convey a directly opposite sentiment,
for the benefit of the singly blessed, it will be necessary to
alternate the lines, reading the first and third, then the second and
fourth:--
"That man must lead a happy life
Who is directed by a wife;
Who's freed from matrimonial claims
Is sure to suffer for his pains.
"Adam could find no solid peace
Till he beheld a woman's face;
When Eve was given him for a mate,
Adam was in a happy state.
"In all the female race appear
Truth, darling of a heart sincere,
Hypocrisy, deceit, and pride,
In woman never did reside.
"What tongue is able to unfold
The worth in woman we behold?
The failings that in woman dwell
Are almost imperceptible.
"Confusion take the men, I say,
Who no regard to women pay.
Who make the women their delight
Keep always reason in their sight."
A "FOREST-BORN" ORATOR.--182.
Rev. G. D. ----, of Fayetteville, Ark., one of the genuine
"forest-born" orators, preaching not long since on "the glory of the
saints," delivered the following burst of native eloquence, which is
too good to be lost:--"Who, my bretherin, can describe the glory of
the saints? Why, nothing on earth can liken it. Ef you drill a hole in
the sun and put it on your head for a crown, and split the moon, and
put it on your shoulders for epaulettes--if you tear down the starry
curtain of the skies and wrap it round your body for a robe, and ride
to Heaven on the lightning wings of the tempest--this will be as
nothing compared to the glory of the saints."
HEN PERSUADERS.--183.
The _Springfield Republican_ speaks of a new invention for a hen's
nest, whereby the eggs drop through a trap-door, and so deceives the
hen that she keeps on laying until she has laid herself all away.
POPPING THE QUESTION.--184.
One evening as I was a-sittin' by my Hetty, and had worked myself
up to the stickin' pint, sez I, "Hetty, if a fellar was to ask you
to marry him, what wud you say?" Then she laughed, and sez she,
"That would depend on who asked me." Then sez I, "Suppose it was Ned
Willis?" Sez she, "I'd tell Ned Willis, but not you." That kinder
staggered me; but I was too cute to lose the opportunity, and so sez
I again, "Suppose it was me?" And then you orter see her pout up her
lip, and says she, "I don't take no supposes." Wall, now, you see
there was nothin' for me to do but touch the gun off. So bang it went.
Sez I, "Wall, Hetty, it's me; won't you say yes?" And then there was
such a hulloballoo in my head, I don't know exactly what tuk place,
but I thought I heerd a 'yes' whisperin' somewhere out of the skirmish.
NEGRO SERMON.--185.
"There are," said a sable orator, addressing his brethren, "two
roads tro dis world--the one am broad and narrow road, that leads
to perdition; and the oder a narrow and a broad road, that leads to
destruction." "What i' dat?" said one hearer. "Say it again." "I say,
my brethren, there are two roads tro dis world--the one am a broad
and narrow road, that leads to perdition; the oder a narrow and broad
road, that leads to destruction." "If dat am the case," said his sable
questioner, "dis elluded individual takes to de woods."
GRANDPA'S SPECTACLES.--186.
"There now," cried a little girl, while rummaging a drawer in a
bureau; "there now, grandpa has gone to Heaven without his spectacles.
What will he do?" And shortly afterward, when another aged relative
was supposed to be sick unto death in the house, she came running to
his bedside, with the glasses in her hand, and an errand on her lips:
"You goin' to die?" "They tell me so." "Goin' to Heaven?" "I hope so."
"Well, here are grandpa's spectacles--won't you take them to him?"
TREMENDOUS GALE.--187.
We like to hear people tell good stories while they are about it.
Read the following from a Western paper:--"In the late gale, birds
were seen hopping about with all their feathers blown off." We have
heard of gales at sea where it required four men to hold the captain's
whiskers on!
A WITTY SENTINEL.--188.
A lieutenant of the 10th United States Infantry recently met with a
sad rebuff at Fort Kearney. The lieutenant was promenading in full
uniform one day, and approached a volunteer on sentry, who challenged
him with "Halt! who comes there?" The lieutenant, with contempt in
every lineament of his face, expressed his feeling with an indignant
"Ass!" The sentry's reply, apt and quick, came: "Advance, Ass, and
give the countersign."
A CAUTIOUS WITNESS.--189.
A witness in a certain court, not a thousand miles from Rappahannock,
on being interrogated as to whether the defendant in a certain case
was drunk, replied: "Well, I can't say that I have seen him drunk
exactly, but I once saw him sitting in the middle of the floor, making
grabs in the air, and saying that he'd be dogoned if he don't catch
the bed the next time it ran around him!" This story reminds us of a
cautious witness in an assault case in Baltimore, who testified that
he did not see the prisoner strike the man, but he saw him take away
his hand very quick, and the man fell!
A POETICAL EDITOR.--190.
The editor of an American paper has taken to writing poetry, as the
following will show:--"Brethren,--Is there a man with soul so dead,
who never to himself hath said: I will my country paper take, both for
mine own and family's sake? If such there be, let him repent, and have
the paper to him sent; and, if he'd pass a happy winter, he in advance
should pay the printer."
NO PATIENTS LIVING.--191.