curiosity so far as a Yankee friend of ours, who rang the bell of a
fashionable residence the other day, and when the servant girl made
her appearance, politely inquired, "What are you going to have for
dinner to-day?" The girl, thinking the man was one of their tradesmen,
and had made the inquiry in his business capacity, innocently replied,
"Mutton, sir." "Mutton--with sauce?" "Yes, sir." "Ah, well! I was
passing by, and thought I would inquire. Good morning." The servant
was indignant when she came to comprehend the man's motive, but he was
too far up the street to hear her angry denunciations.
THE WAY OF THE WORLD.--70.
Mr. Dickson, a coloured barber in a large New England town, was
shaving one of his customers, a respectable citizen, one morning,
when a conversation occurred between them respecting Mr. Dickson's
former connexion with a coloured church in that place. "I believe
you are connected with the church in Elm Street, are you not, Mr.
Dickson?" said the customer. "No, sah, not at all." "Why did you leave
your connexion, Mr. Dickson, if I maybe permitted to ask?" "Well, I'll
tell you, sah," said Mr. Dickson; "it was just like dis: I jined the
church in good fait; I gave ten dollars towards de stated gospel de
fus' year, and de church people call me _Brudder_ Dickson; the second
year my business was not so good, and I gib only five dollars. Dat
year people call me _Mr._ Dickson. Dis razor hurt you, sah?" "No, the
razor goes tolerably well." "Well, sah, the third I fell berry poor;
had sickness in my family, and didn't gib nothin' for preachin'. Well,
sah, arter dat dey call me 'dat ole nigger Dickson,' and I left 'em."
KNOCKING AT THE CHURCH DOOR.--71.
An Indianapolis editor attending church on a recent Sabbath for the
first time in many years, stopped at the entrance, and after looking
in vain for the bell-pull, deliberately knocked at the door, and
politely waited until somebody opened it and let him in.
SCENE IN AN AMERICAN COURT.--72.
There was a hush in the police court-room as the red-nosed judge took
his seat upon the bench, and in a pompous tone of authority shouted,
"Bring the prisoner into court!" "Here I am, bound to blaze, as the
spirit of turpentine said when he was all a-fire," said the prisoner.
"We'll take a little fire out of you. How do you live?" asked the
judge. "I ain't particular, as the oyster said when they asked him
if he'd be roasted or fried." "We don't want to know what the oyster
said, or the spirits of turpentine either. What do you follow?"
"Anything that comes in my way, as the locomotive said when she ran
over a little nigger." "Don't care anything about the locomotive. What
is your business?" "That's various, as the cat said when she stole
the chicken off the table." "If I hear any more absurd comparisons,
I will give you twelve months." "I'm done, as the beefsteak said to
the cook." "Now, sir, your punishment shall depend on the shortness
and correctness of your answers. I suppose you live by going round
the docks." "No, sir; I can't go around the docks without a coat,
and I ain't got none." "Answer me, sir! How do you get your bread?"
"Sometimes at the baker's, and sometimes I eat taters." "No more of
your stupid nonsense. How do you support yourself?" "Sometimes on my
legs, and sometimes on a chair." "How do you keep yourself alive?" "By
breathing, sir." "I order you to answer this question correctly. How
do you do?" "Pretty well, I thank you, judge. How do you do?" "I shall
have to commit you." "Well, you've committed yourself first, that's
some consolation." The prisoner went out of court with a jerk, and was
hastened to gaol.
SOAP COMING HANDY.--73.
During one of the recent battles, while a regiment of our troops
was rapidly marching over a dusty road, in changing their position
on the field, a soldier noticed a cake of soap at a little distance
from the rank, and sprang forward to get it, saying, "I shall need
it after this fight." The shells of the enemy were falling thickly;
and just as the soldier seized the soap, one dropped close behind him
and exploded, tearing open an immense hole in the earth, and nearly
burying the poor fellow. Every one supposed he was blown to pieces,
but almost immediately he struggled out, begrimed with dirt from head
to foot, yet holding on to the soap, and exclaiming, "There, I told
you I should need it!" Fortunately, he passed through the battle
unhurt, and found his well-earned soap a great convenience.
A CONDENSED NOVEL.--74.
Josh, here am a seafaring novel, dat missis gib me, case she know'd I
was too lazy to read de whole book; and, by golly, it am just de ting
for dese people dat lub to skip ober such stuff! Just read it: Gulf
of Mexico; small ship; young man; very interesting; very romantic;
black glossy curls; aquiline features; florid complexion; commanding
figure; black clouds; "Pipe all hands to quarters;" storm coming
on; very dangerous; "All hands to the pumps;" "There goes the gib!"
masts cut away; storm clearing; all hands pumping; monster ship in
the distance; very suspicious; black flag; skull and cross-bones;
pirate; sailors fearful; young man determined; bound to die or perish
in the attempt; armed to the teeth; addresses the sailors; great
enthusiasm; flag of the free; die for our country; pirate approaches;
hundred guns; pirate captain; big whiskers; crew all fiends; calls
for a surrender; young man scorns; broadside; female shrieks on board
the pirate ship; beauty in distress; young man vows vengeance; young
man's ship sinking; flag shot off; nails it to the mast; crew leave
in boats; board the pirate; terrific combat; seven pirates attack
boatswain; kills two with a chaw of tobacco; throws others overboard;
sharks around vessel; young man kills pirate captain; pirates give in;
shouts tremendous; victory; young man rushes into cabin; finds young
lady nearly dead; brings her to; falls in love; papers discovered;
young man son of a nobleman; young lady rich heiress; tells her story;
was stolen way by gipsies; sold to pirate captain; Heaven sent young
man; preserved; falls on her knees; young man embraces her; sailors
get drunk; marriage at sea; "life on the ocean wave;" ship in port;
young man promoted; land of liberty. "Yankee Doodle!" FINIS.
SECURING HIS TRUNK.--75.
A traveller stopped at a hotel in Wheeling several days. His trunk
looked cheap, but was very heavy, when carried up-stairs. Traveller
disappeared; trunk was heavier than before; it could not be lifted.
Landlord broke it open; found it empty, and nailed to the floor, with
two spikes driven through the bottom.
A DRY JOKE IN A DRY GOODS' STORE.--76.
An amusing incident recently took place in one of our dry goods'
stores down town. A good-looking, honest-faced country girl, came to
town with her lover, to do a trifle of shopping. The magnitude of the
store, the piles on piles of goods, the dazzling array of articles,
the rows of busy clerks, the flitting cash boys, quite overpowered
our good friend, who scarcely knew what to do. Her swain obstinately
refused to go in, but loitered about the door. The clerks being all
busy just at the moment, the young lady was obliged to remain standing
a few moments. At length, a dapper fellow, with gold watch and chain
and flourishing moustache, came bowing and smiling up to the blushing
customer, with--"Anybody waiting on you, madam?" The colour deepened
in her cheeks, as she hesitated and drew a long breath; till, finally,
with a nod of her head towards the door, she faltered out, "Yes, sir;
he is."
YANKEE NOTION OF MACBETH.--77.
After having witnessed the performance, from what I could make out of
the play I don't think Macbeth was a good moral character; and his
lady appeared to me to possess a tarnation dictatorial temper, and to
have exceedingly loose notions of hospitality, which, together with an
unpleasant habit of talking to herself and walking about _en chemise_,
must make her a decidedly unpleasant companion.
THE PUGNACIOUS RAM.--78.
John B. Gough, in one of his eloquent temperance lectures, was
encouraging those who signed the pledge to stick to it. "Stick to
it," said he, "as the old ram did to his butting." The story is that
a farmer had a ram which would run his head against the cows, horses,
pigs, and, indeed, against everything in motion. The farmer himself
was more than once butted over, and he finally determined to break up
this propensity: so he tied a heavy block of wood upon a rope, and
hung it on the limb of a tree. The block was set in motion, and the
ram, seeing it move towards him, hit it a blow. This sent it off;
but it swung back, and the ram hit it again, and so kept on doing.
The farmer watched him until it was dark, and then left him (true to
his nature) butting away. Early in the morning, on going out to see
how the ram had fared, he found that he had butted himself all away,
except a part of his tail, and that was hammering away at the swinging
block. That's the way to stick to your pledge.
A HORRIFIED DANDY.--79.
A dandy, who was seated on the balcony of a Saratoga hotel, among
a large company, was exquisitely dressed, and very highly perfumed
with musk, which is very disagreeable to some persons. A plain farmer
happening to pass near him, commenced snuffing suspiciously, and,
looking around for the cause of the musky effluvia, he soon smelt out
the dandy, and thus addressed him:--"I say, mister, I can tell ye
what'll take that smell out of yer clothes: just bury 'em under ground
for a week. My uncle run agin a skunk once, and--" but before the
sentence was finished the enraged dandy sped from the crowd to escape
the shouts of laughter, while the innocent farmer, who only meant to
do him a kindness, was wondering what caused his sudden departure.
STRIKING EFFECT OF A STRIKE.--80.
A Boston contemporary says he finds among his exchanges the following
paragraph:--"The p_r_interS aRe on A [upside down S]_tr_iKe
[side down f]or hi[upside down g]her [upside down wa]GeS,
[upside down W]e H[sideways a]ve [sideways C]on_c_Lude_d_
tO sEt o[sideways u]r o[sideways w]n tYp[upside down e]s
[upside down i]n f_u_tUr[upside down e]! It [sideways si]
EAsy [upside down e]Nou[_upside down g_]h,"
[TN: "The printers are on a strike for higher wages, we have
concluded to set our own types in future! It is easy enough,".]
HABITS OF A GREAT MAN.--81.
Several paragraphs (says a New York paper) have been going the rounds
in relation to the habits of great men, which paragraphs, as usual,
are all wrong; inasmuch as we have had the pleasure of dining and
hobnobbing with all the great men of this and every other country
on the face of the globe. An illustration will prove this to the
satisfaction of everybody. Mr. Seward generally rises from his bed
in the morning about the time he gets up. He rarely, if ever, eats
his breakfast before he gets it. He is not particular what kind of
food he has, if he is provided with what he calls for. In his dress
he is plain; never appearing in public without his pantaloons. He
never wears his vest outside of his coat. He speaks his native dialect
without a foreign accent. As an evidence of the methodical precision
with which he attends to business, it is only necessary to allude to
the fact that he invariably draws his salary the moment it is due; his
memory in this respect is prodigious. He generally writes on paper,
and uses a pen, which at intervals he dips into a stand of ink, that
he keeps upon his table.
BILLY BRAY.--82.
The enrolling officer of Salisbury district, Maryland, was very
active and thorough in the performance of his duty. One day he went
to the house of a countryman, and finding none of the male members of
the family at home, made inquiry of an old woman about the number and
age of the "males" of the family. After naming several, the old lady
stopped. "Is there no one else?" asked the officer. "No," replied the
woman; "none except Billy Bray." "Billy Bray! where is he?" "He was at
the barn a moment ago," said the old lady. Out went the officer, but
could not find the man. Coming back, the worthy officer questioned the
old lady as to the age of Billy, and went away, after enrolling his
name among those to be drafted. The time of the drafting came; among
those on whom the lot fell was Billy Bray. No one knew him. Where did
he live? The officer who enrolled him was called on to produce him;
and, lo and behold! Billy Bray was a _Jackass_! and stands now on the
list of drafted men as forming one of the quota of Maryland.
TRANSATLANTIC MATRIMONIAL ADVERTISEMENTS.--83.
We clip the subjoined advertisements relating to matrimony from the
_New York Herald_. As they are unique in their way, our readers will,
no doubt, be amused by perusing them. It is to be hoped that the
ardent gentleman in quest of "some congenial soul" is by this time in
a fair way of resigning his bachelorhood:--
"'De Factum.'--The undersigned, a young gentleman versed
in the ways of the world, and of a cheerful temperament,
seeks for some congenial soul with whom he can exchange
vows of unchanging love. He is considered good-looking,
is twenty-five years of age, and possesses a comfortable
fortune. Wealth no object, as a true-hearted lady is all he
desires. Any young lady or widow may, if they are prompted
by sincere motives, address," &c.
"Two young gentlemen, possessed of large fortunes, but
rather green, wish to open correspondence with young ladies
of the same circumstances, with a view to matrimony.
Brunettes preferred; but no objection to blondes, provided
they are perfect--past all parallel. Address," &c.
"I am desirous to form the acquaintance of an Italian or
Spanish gentleman with an ultimate view to marriage. As
I cannot see myself as others see me, of myself I say
nothing. Address," &c.
"Should this meet the eye of any sensible man not over
thirty-five, who would like a wife that understands
housekeeping in all its branches, educated and refined,
whose forte is not all in a piano, he can address, &c.
Cartes de visite desired."
A CITIZEN OF ALL THE STATES.--84.
A son of the Emerald Isle, but not himself green, was taken up (for
he was at the time down) near a rebel encampment not far from the
Manassas Junction. In a word, Pat was taking a quiet nap in the
shade, and was roused from his slumbers by a scouting party. He wore
no special uniform of either army, but looked more like a spy than
an alligator, and on this he was arrested. "Who are you?" "What is
your name?" and "Where are you from?" were the first questions put to
him by the armed party. Pat rubbed his eyes, scratched his head, and
answered: "By my faith, gintlemen, them is ugly questions to answer
any how; and before I answer any of them, I'd be after axin you, by
yer lave, the same thing." "Well," said the leader, "We are of Scott's
army, and belong to Washington." "All right," said Pat; "I know'd
ye was gintlemen, for I am the same. Long life to Gineral Scott!"
"Aha!" replied the scout, "now, you rascal, you are our prisoner," and
seized him by the shoulder. "How is that?" inquired Pat; "are we not
friends?" "No," was the answer; "we belong to General Beauregard's
army." "Then you told me a lie, me boys; and thinking it might be so,
I told you another. Now, tell me the truth, and I'll tell the truth
too." "Well, we belong to the State of South Carolina." "So do I,"
promptly responded Pat, "and to all the other States of the country
too; and there I'm thinking I bate the whole of ye. Do you think I
would come all the way from Ireland to belong to one State, when I had
a right to belong to the whole of 'em?"
MIXING THE BABIES.--85.
Patrick Lyon, an Irishman, and Hans Heidelbrooke, a German, and their
families, both occupy one house in Cincinnati. Some nights since the
families of both were increased, Pat's wife presenting him with
twins, and Hans' wife presenting him with one, all girls. The nurse
being desirous of contemplating the relative beauties of the little
cherubs, with the hopes of finding out if there is any difference
between a youthful Teuton and a cherub of Erin, got them so hopelessly
mixed that it was impossible to distinguish "tother from which." Here
was a terrible state of affairs. But the mother wit of the Irishwoman
solved the difficulty. She was entitled to two of the children any
how, and two she would take, and if either of them when grown up
should talk Dutch she would repudiate its paternity and lay claim to
the third. The Dutch woman coincided with the idea, and clasped to her
bosom the remaining child, resolved to watch for the first indication
of the brogue that might change her parental love to unmitigated
disgust.
DANIEL WEBSTER AND WILLIAM WIRT.--86.
Daniel Webster was once engaged in a case in one of the Virginia
courts, and the opposing counsel was William Wirt, author of the "Life
of Patrick Henry," which has been criticised as a brilliant romance.
In the progress of the case Mr. Webster produced a highly respectable
witness, whose testimony (unless disproved or impeached) settled the
case, and annihilated Mr. Wirt's client. After getting through the
testimony he informed Mr. Wirt, with a significant expression, that
he was through with the witness, and he was at his service. Mr. Wirt
rose to commence the cross-examination, but seemed for a moment quite
perplexed how to proceed, but quickly assumed a manner expressive
of his incredulity as to the facts elicited, and coolly eyeing the
witness a moment he said: "Mr. K----, allow me to ask you whether you
have ever read a work called Baron Munchausen?" Before the witness had
time to reply, Mr. Webster quickly rose and said: "I beg your pardon,
Mr. Wirt, for the interruption, but there was one question I forgot to
ask the witness, and if you will allow me that favour I promise not
to interrupt you again." Mr. Wirt, in the blandest manner, replied,
"Yes, most certainly;" when Mr. Webster, in the most deliberate and
solemn manner, said: "Sir, have you ever read Wirt's 'Life of Patrick
Henry?'" The effect was so irresistible, that even the judge could not
control his rigid features. Mr. Wirt himself joined in the momentary
laugh, and turning to Mr. Webster said, "Suppose we submit this case
to the jury without summing up;" which was assented to, and Mr.
Webster's client won the case.
NOT TO BE DONE.--87.
You have heard, perhaps, reader, of the encounter between an
Englishman and the market-woman at a fruit-stand in New York. The
Englishman had learned of the Yankee habit of bragging, and he thought
he would cut the comb of that propensity. He saw some huge watermelons
on the market-woman's stand, and walking up to her, and pointing at
them with a look of disappointment, said: "What! don't you raise
bigger apples than these in America?" The woman looked at him for a
moment, and then retorted: "Apples! any body might know you was an
Englishman. Them's huckleberries."
CAUGHT UNAWARES.--88.
A wager was laid on the Yankee peculiarity of answering one question
by asking another. To decide the bet a Down-Easter was interrogated.
"I want you," said the better, "to give me a straightforward answer
to a plain question." "I kin du it, mister," said the Yankee. "Then
why is it New Englanders always answer a question by asking one in
return?" "_Du they?_" was Jonathan's reply.
THE YOUNG PATRIOT.--89.
"No, William Baker, you cannot have my daughter's hand in marriage
until you are equal in wealth and social position." The speaker
was a haughty old man of some sixty years, and the person whom he
addressed was a fine-looking young fellow of twenty-five. With a sad
aspect, the young man withdrew from the stately mansion. Six months
later he stood again in the presence of the haughty father, who thus
angrily addressed him: "What! you here again?" "Ah, old man," proudly
exclaimed William Baker, "I am here--your daughter's equal and yours!"
The old man's lip curled with scorn, a derisive smile lit up his cold
features; when casting violently upon the marble centre table an
enormous roll of greenbacks, William Baker cried--"See! Look on this
wealth; and I've tenfold more! Listen, old man! You spurned me from
your door, but I did not despair. I secured a contract for furnishing
the army of the ---- with beef----" "Yes, yes!" eagerly exclaimed the
old man. "And I bought up all the disabled cavalry horses I could
find----" "I see, I see!" cried the old man; "and good beef they make,
too." "They do, they do! and the profits are immense." "I should say
so." "And now, sir, I claim your daughter's fair hand." "Boy, she is
yours. But hold! Look me in the eye. Throughout all this have you
been loyal?" "To the core!" cried William Baker. "And," continued
the old man, in a voice husky with emotion, "are you in favour of a
vigorous prosecution of the war?" "I am, I am!" "Then, boy, take her!
Maria, child, come hither. Your William claims thee. Be happy, my
children! And, whatever our lot in life may be, let us all support the
Government."
DEMOSTHENES NOT DEAD.--90.
They have orators out in Illinois, if we trust the description of
a certain military one, furnished us by a correspondent in that
State:--It was in dog-days, and a great hue and cry had been raised
about mad dogs. Although no person could be found who had seen one,
the excitement still grew by the rumours it was fed on. A meeting
of the citizens was called for the purpose of devising plans for
the extermination not only of mad dogs, but, to make safety doubly
sure, of dogs in general. The "brigadier" was appointed chairman.
After stating the objects of the meeting in a not very parliamentary
manner, instead of taking his seat and allowing others to make some
suggestions, he launched forth into a speech of some half-hour's
length, of which the following burst of forensic splendour is a
sample:--"FELLER CITIZENS,--The time has come when the
overcharged feelings of aggrawated human natur are no longer to be
stood. Mad dogs are midst of us; their shriekin' yelp and fomy track
can be heered and seen on our peraries. Death follers in their wake;
shall we sit here like cowards while our lives and our neighbours'
lives are in danger from their dreadful vorashus hidrofobie caninety?
No, it mustn't be. E'en now my house is torn with conflictin' feelin's
of wrath and wengeance; a funeral pyre of wild cats is burstin'
within me. I have horses and cattle, I have sheep and pigs, I have
a wife and children, and," rising higher as the importance of the
subject deepened in his estimation, "I have money out at interest;
_all in danger of bein' bit by these infernal dogs_!"
A PUZZLED JUDGE.--91.
A man, named Josh, was brought before a country squire for stealing
a hog, and three witnesses being examined swore they saw him steal
it. A wag, having volunteered as counsel for Josh, knowing the scope
of the squire's brain, arose and addressed him as follows:--"May it
please your honour, I can establish this man's honesty beyond the
shadow of a doubt, for I have twelve witnesses ready to swear that
they DID NOT see him steal it." The squire rested his head
for a few moments upon his hand, as if in deep thought, and with great
dignity arose, and, brushing back his hair, said: "If there are twelve
who did not see him steal it, and only three who did, I discharge the
prisoner."
TO NEWSPAPER BORROWERS.--92.
An up-country editor thus pays his respects to "Newspaper
borrowers--May theirs be a life of single blessedness; may their paths
be carpeted with cross-eyed snakes, and their nights be haunted with
knock-kneed tom-cats."
PADDLE YOUR OWN CANOE.--93.
Up this world, and down this world,
And over this world and through,
Though drifted about,
And tossed without,
Why, "paddle your own canoe."
What though the sky is heavy with clouds,
Or shining a field of blue;
If the bleak wind blows,
Or the sunshine glows,
Still "paddle your own canoe."
What if breakers rise up ahead,
With dark waves rushing through,
Move steadily by
With a steadfast eye,
And "paddle your own canoe."
If a hurricane rise in the midnight skies,
And the stars are lost to view,
Glide safely along,
With a smile and a song,
And "paddle your own canoe."