THE
AMERICAN JOE MILLER.
THE
AMERICAN JOE MILLER:
A Collection of Yankee Wit and Humour.
COMPILED BY
ROBERT KEMPT.
"I love a teeming wit as I love my nourishment."--_Ben Jonson._
"Oh, you shall see him laugh till his face be like a wet cloak ill
laid up!"
_Shakespeare._
[Illustration]
LONDON:
ADAMS AND FRANCIS, 59, FLEET STREET.
[ENTERED AT STATIONERS' HALL.]
1865.
LONDON:
CLAYTON AND CO., PRINTERS,
17, BOUVERIE STREET.
PREFACE.
So far as the Compiler is aware, no good collection of American
wit and humour exists on this side of the Atlantic; certainly, no
collection worthy to be considered as the American Joe Miller. In the
well-known "Percy Anecdotes," in the numerous English Joe Millers,
and other jest-books, a few of Brother Jonathan's good things are to
be found, in company with the rich and genial wit of John Bull, the
pawky humour of the Scotch, and the exuberant mirth of Paddy; but it
is believed that the present is the first attempt to present anything
like a complete collection of American witticisms to English readers.
While every justice has been done in this matter to Scotland by Dean
Ramsay's inimitable "Reminiscences of Scottish Life and Character;"
and while a kindred service has been performed for England by Mr.
John Timbs, and still more recently by Mr. Mark Lemon, not to mention
others, no one, seemingly, has bethought him of gathering together the
happy scintillations of Brother Jonathan's intellect. The Compiler
trusts that he may have undertaken this task with at least some
success.
No one at all familiar with the periodical literature of America will
deny that the Americans are a witty people. Whether their native wit
be so intellectual and refined as the English, so quaint and subtle
as the Scotch humour, or so strong and hearty as the Irish, or,
again, whether it be so keen and compact as the French _esprit_, may
be reasonably questioned; but that it is a straw that _can_ tickle,
and therefore, according to Dryden, an instrument of happiness,
all must admit. In considering the nature of American humour, it
is obvious that broad exaggeration is its great characteristic. It
is essentially _outré_. No people seek to raise the laugh by such
extravagant means as the Yankees. Their ordinary speech is hyperbole,
or tall talk. They never go out shooting unless with the long bow.
Again, their humour comes from without, rather than from within,
and is less a matter of thought than of verbal expression. It deals
with the association of ideas rather than with ideas themselves.
Transatlantic wit is not as a rule terse, epigrammatic, pungent,
like the wit of Lamb, Hood, or Jerrold, which often lies in a single
sentence or even word. The humour of Sam Slick or James Russell
Lowell, for instance, lies as much in accessories as in the thing
itself. It is nothing unless surrounded by circumstantial narrative.
But in this it must be confessed the Americans are great masters.
The humour of a people always reflects the character of that people,
and character, as we all know, is influenced in no small measure
by country and climate. Our American brethren are born, or as they
themselves say "raised," in a country whose physical features
have been planned on a scale far surpassing in magnitude--not
unfrequently in beauty also--those of every other country in the
world. The Americans feel this, and are justly proud of the extent
and magnificence of America. It leads them to compare it with other
countries, and the comparison is certain to result in favour of their
own. Theirs is the country of Lake Superior. Columbia is a Triton
among the minnows. Into this Brobdignag of our cousins Munchausen
emigrated early, and the genius of the celebrated German Baron still
continues to control its people. Only in America will you find a
man so tall that he is obliged to go up a ladder in order to shave
himself, or so small that it requires two men and a boy to see him;
only in America do the railway trains travel so fast that the train
often reaches the station considerably in advance of the whistle;
only in America are the fogs so thick that they may be cut with a
"ham knife." It is only an American artist who can paint a snow-storm
so naturally that he catches cold by sitting near it with his coat
off; it is only in America that sportsmen are such dead shots that
the birds when they see the gun "come down," rather than abide the
consequences of remaining "up;" and it is only in America that every
man is "one of the most remarkable men in the country." It must be
said of American humour, that you can always, and at once, "see the
joke." Its meaning is never hidden, and it seldom, if ever, takes the
form of the _double entendre_. To borrow an idea from Elia, there is
no need to grope all over your neighbour's face to be sure that he
appreciates a genuine Yankee joke. The grins it causes are the very
broadest, and the laughter it evokes is the very loudest.
While the Compiler hopes that all his readers may find something to
laugh at in the wise saws of Sam Slick, the broad grins of Artemus
Ward and Joshua Billings, the marvellous (impossible?) feats of the
renowned Major Longbow, and the cute remarks of those notorious
personages, the Down Easter and the Western Editor, which he has
here collected, he also trusts that none of them may find anything
to regret. Care has been exercised to exclude everything of an
objectionable character from the collection.
Since his elevation to the presidential chair, Mr. Lincoln has
acquired the reputation of being a good story-teller, and a number
of the best things attributed to "honest old Abe" have been included
in the collection, which will also be found to contain many of the
humorous stories and incidents to which the present unhappy war has
given rise. "Honest good humour," says Washington Irving, one of
America's greatest sons, "is the oil and wine of a merry meeting." It
is the earnest wish of the Compiler that the following pages may serve
to convince every reader of the truth of the remark.
R. K.
_January 2, 1865._
THE
AMERICAN JOE MILLER.
EARLY RISING IN CONNECTICUT.--1.
The editor of the _Eglantine_ says that the girls in Connecticut, who
are remarkable for their industry, drink about a pint of yeast before
going to bed at night, to make them _rise_ early in the morning.
SMALL LOAVES.--2.
A half-famished fellow in the Southern States tells of a baker (whose
loaves had been growing "small by degrees, and beautifully less,")
who, when going his rounds to serve his customers, stopped at the door
of one and knocked, when the lady within exclaimed, "Who's there?" and
was answered, "The baker." "What do you want?" "To leave your bread."
"Well, you needn't make such a fuss about it; put it through the
keyhole."
ONLY THE ELEVENTH.--3.
At a christening, while a minister was making the certificate, he
forgot the date, and happened to say: "Let me see, this is the 30th."
"The thirtieth!" exclaimed the indignant mother; "indeed, but it's
only the eleventh!"
SHARP SHOOTING.--4.
The following dialogue on "sharp shooting" is reported to have taken
place between a Virginee and a Yankee picket:--"I say, can you
fellows shoot?" "Wall, I reckon we can some. Down in Mississippi we
can knock a bumble-bee off a thistle bow at three hundred yards."
"Oh, that ain't nothing to the way we seewt up in Varmount. I belonged
to a military company ther', with a hundred men in the company, and
we went out for practice every week. The capt'n draws us up in single
file, and sets a cider-barrel rolling down the hill, and each man
takes his shot at the bung-hole as it turns up. It is afterwards
examined, and if there is a shot that didn't go in the bung-hole the
number who missed it is expelled. I belonged to the company ten years,
and there ain't been nobody expelled yet."
FOUR POINTS OF A CASE.--5.
An Eastern editor says that a man in New York got himself into trouble
by marrying two wives. A Western editor replies by assuring his
contemporary that a good many men in that section had done the same
thing by marrying one. A Northern editor retorts that quite a number
of his acquaintances found trouble enough by barely promising to
marry, without going any further. A Southern editor says that a friend
of his was bothered enough when simply found in company with another
man's wife.
ADVANTAGE OF BURNING TWO CANDLES.--6.
A celebrated American judge had a very stingy wife. On one occasion
she received his friends in the drawing-room with a single candle. "Be
pleased, my dear," said his lordship, "to let us have a second candle
that we may see where the other stands."
A 4-TUNATE YOUNG MAN.--7.
There is a young man in the U. S. army, who was born July 4, at 4
o'clock, p.m., at No. 44, in a street in Boston, is the 4th child,
has 4 names, enlisted in the Newton company, which joined the 4th
battalion, 44th regiment, and on the 4th of August was appointed 4th
corporal, and is now gone to defend his country.
ELBOW-ROOM SCARCE.--8.
Elbow-room has been quite scarce in Nashville during the past week.
Such scrouging, gouging, turning in and turning out, has seldom
before been witnessed. Instance the following:--Traveller dismounts
at a tavern. "Hallo, landlord, can I get lodgings here to-night?"
Landlord: "No, sir; every room in the house is engaged." Traveller:
"Can't you give me a blanket and a bunch of shavings for a pillow in
your bar-room?" Landlord: "No, sir; there's not a square foot of space
unoccupied anywhere in the house." Traveller: "Then I'll thank you,
sir, to shove a pole out of your second-floor window, and I'll roost
on that."
A COUPLE OF REASONS TOO MANY.--9.
The _Providence Journal_ is accountable for the following: A drafted
man in this State called upon one of our lawyers, and desired to have
papers prepared claiming exemption from the military service for the
several reasons which he named. 1. That he was the only son of a widow
depending upon him for support. 2. That his father was in such infirm
health as to be unable to get his own living; and 3, that he had two
brothers already in the service. All of which facts Patrick desired
then and there to verify by affidavit. The lawyer, who had travelled
in Illinois and learned the knack of introducing _apropos_ anecdotes,
reminded the drafted man of a little story of the maple-sugar man in
Vermont who was sued for returning a borrowed sap-kettle in a damaged
condition, and pleaded in defence--first, that the kettle was sound
when he returned it; secondly, that it was cracked when he borrowed
it; and thirdly, that he never had the sap-kettle. Patrick grinned a
ghastly smile, such as sometimes illumines the countenance of a man
before the Board of Enrolment when the doctor blandly assures him that
he has not got the liver complaint or the kidney disease, and withdrew
his papers.
EGG "BROF."--10.
"Well, Sambo, how do you like your new place?" "Oh, very well, massa."
"What did you have for breakfast this morning?" "Why, you see, missus
biled three eggs for herself, and gib me de brof."
TO MAKE SAUSAGES.--11.
The editor of the _Southbridge Journal_ was set all aback the other
day, when he asked a farmer's wife how she made sausages, and received
for answer--"Take your in'ards, scrape 'em, scald, and stuff 'em."
"PREACH SMALL."--12.
"Mother," said a little girl, seven years old, "I could not understand
our minister to-day, he said so many hard words; I wish he would
preach so that little girls could understand him. Won't he, mother?"
"Yes, I think so, if we ask him." Soon after her father saw her going
to the minister's. "Where are you going, Emma?" said he. "I am going
over to Mr. ----'s, to ask him to _preach small_."
HARD LYING.--13.
There lives in New Hampshire a man called Joe, a fellow noted for the
tough lies he can tell. A correspondent informs us that Joe called in
at Holton's lately, and found him almost choked with smoke, when he
suggested, "You don't know as much about managing smoky chimneys as
I do, squire, or you'd cure 'em." "Ah!" said Holton, with interest,
"did you ever see a smoky chimney cured?" "Seen it?" said old Joe, "I
think I have. I had the worst one in Seaboard county once, and I cured
it a little too much." "How was that?" asked Holton. "Why, you see,"
said Joe, "I built a little house out yonder, at Wolf Hollow, ten or
twelve years ago. Jim Bush, the fellow that built the chimneys, kept
blind drunk three-quarters of the time, and crazy drunk the other.
I told him I thought he'd have something wrong; but he stuck to it
and finished the house. Well, we moved in, and built a fire the next
morning to boil the tea-kettle. All the smoke came through the room
and went out of the windows; not a bit went up the flues. We tried it
for two or three days, and it got worse and worse. By and by it came
on to rain, and the rain began to come down the chimney. It put the
fire out in a minute, and directly it came down by the pailful. We
had to get the baby off the floor as soon as we could, or it would
have been drowned. In fifteen minutes the water stood knee-deep
on the floor. I pretty soon saw what was the matter. The drunken
cuss had put the chimney wrong end up, and it drawed downwards. It
gathered all the rain within a hundred yards, and poured it down by
bucketfuls." "Well, that was unfortunate," remarked Holton, "but what
in the world did you do with the house? Surely you never cured that
chimney?" "Didn't I, though?" answered old Joe; "yes, I did." "How?"
asked Holton. "Turned it the other end up," said the incorrigible,
"and then you ought to have seen it draw. That was the way I cured it
too much." "Drew too much?" asked Holton. "Well, squire, you may judge
for yourself," said old Joe. "Pretty soon after we got the chimney
down the other end up, I missed one of the chairs out of the room,
and directly I see'd another of 'em shooting towards the fireplace.
Next the table went, and I see the back log going up. Then I grabbed
the old woman under one arm and the baby under t'other and started;
but just as I got to the door I see'd the cat going across the floor
backwards, holding on with her claws to the carpet, yelling awfully.
It wasn't no use. I just see her going over the top of the chimney,
and that was the last of her." "Well, what did you do then?" asked
Holton; "of course you could not live in such a house?" "Couldn't I,
though?" said Joe; "but I did; I put a poultice on the jamb of the
fireplace, and that drawed t'other way, so we had no more trouble."
This is what we call hard lying.
BUSINESS AND AFFLICTION.--14.
Curious combinations are oftentimes found in the advertising columns
of newspapers. The following is the announcement made by a lately
bereaved wife:--"Died, on the 11th inst., at his shop, No. 20,
Greenwich Street, Mr. Edward Jones, much respected by all who knew
and dealt with him. As a man he was amiable; as a hatter, upright and
moderate. His virtues were beyond all price, and his beaver hats were
only three dollars each. He has left a widow to deplore his loss,
and a large stock to be sold cheap for the benefit of his family. He
was snatched to the other world in the prime of life, just as he had
concluded an extensive purchase of felt, which he got so cheap that
his widow can supply hats at more reasonable rates than any house
in the city. His disconsolate family will carry on business with
punctuality."
THE JUDGMENT OF SOLOMON.--15.
In the Justice's Court in New Orleans the judge was in a quandary
the other day. A coat was in dispute; the parties were Irish, and
the evidence was direct and positive for both claimants. After much
wrangling, Patrick Power, one of the parties, proposed that he and
his opponent, Timothy Maguire, should see whose name was on the
coat. Timothy searched in vain, and the coat was handed to Pat, who
immediately took his knife, opened a corner of the coat, and out
dropped two small peas. "There, d'ye see that, now!" "Yes; but what of
that?" said Timothy. "A dale it has to do wid it; it is my name to be
sure--pea for Patrick, and pea for Power, be jabers!" He got the coat,
he did.
YOUNG JEFF.'S APPETITE.--16.
When young Jeff. first came up to town, his father told him that it
would be polite, when being helped at dinner, to say to the host,
"Half that, if you please." It so happened that at the first dinner to
which he was invited a sucking-pig was one of the dishes. The host,
pointing with his knife to the young porker, asked, "Well, Mr. Jeff.,
will you have this, our favourite dish, or haunch of mutton?" Upon
which, recollecting his first lesson, he replied, "Half that, if you
please," to the consternation of all present.
MY PEW, SIR!--17.
While the Convention which nominated General Taylor was in session
at Philadelphia, a somewhat noted local politician from Pickaway
county, Ohio, was in the city mingling in the muss. As the Convention
adjourned over Sunday, he concluded to go to church. "I mounted my
best regalia," he says, "and looked fine; stopped at the door, and
asked the sexton for a seat; was shown a very good one, entirely
unoccupied, in the back part of which I seated myself. In a very short
time a decent-looking man, plainly dressed, entered and took the front
of the pew. I held my head reverently, and looked pious. He glanced
at me several times, then took out a white handkerchief; looked at me
again, then took out a card, drew his pencil, wrote 'This is my pew,
sir,' and tossed the card to me. I picked it up, and immediately wrote
on it, 'It is a very good one; what rent do you pay?' and tossed it
back."
MAKING A MAN'S COFFIN BEFORE HIS DEATH.--18.
An amusing thing occurred in the 24th Ohio. A few days since, a
soldier, passing to the lower part of the encampment, saw two others
from his company making a rude coffin. He inquired who it was for.
"John Bunce," said the others. "Why," replied he, "John is not dead
yet. It is too bad to make a man's coffin when you don't know if
he's going to die or not." "Don't you trouble yourself," replied the
others; "Dr. Coe told us to make his coffin, _and I guess he knows
what he give him_."
DRAWING THE LONG BOW.--19.
A fellow was kicked out of an editorial room the other day for
impudently stating "that he had seen in Germany a fiddle so large that
it required two horses to draw the bow across the strings, which would
continue to sound six weeks!"
A QUEER CUP OF COFFEE.--20.
I soon had an opportunity to judge for myself, having accepted an
officer's invitation to take coffee in his tent. Captain H. was
very proud of his table. His cook was said to be the best in the
camp, his only fault being a disposition to a careless mixture of
ingredients. "There, sir," said the captain, handing me a brimming
cup, "I'll warrant you'll find that equal to anything you ever drank
in Paris." I tasted. The captain saw something was wrong. He tasted.
His countenance assumed a stern and mortified expression. John was
called and ordered to investigate the cause of the villanous taste
of the coffee. The next moment he reappeared, holding the coffee-pot
in his hand. "Och, be jabers, captain," said he, "it's meself that's
mortified to death. I cooked the bowl of me ould pipe in your
coffee this morning, and that's the innocent cause of the bad taste
intirely!"
THE TREASURE TROVE. BY B. O. B.--21.
As Jonathan Dodge reel'd home one night,
Tight as a brick in a prison wall,
Beneath a gas-lamp's brilliant light
His eye on a something bright did fall.
He steadied himself to know the cause,
And eyed it long with inquiring gaze,
Wondering much what the deuce it was
That glitter'd and sparkled with such a blaze.
Then stooping down, with a forward dip
Which came near sending him heels o'erhead,
At the glittering wonder he made a grip--
But clutch'd a handful of mud instead.
Again he tries; but another lurch,
To strive against which was all in vain,
Sent him sprawling out in the mud and slush,
And the prize eluded his grasp again.
"The third time's lucky; I'll make it sure,"
Said Jonathan, rising, and turning round.
"'Tis a diamond as large as the Koh-i-noor,
And far (_hic_) more costly, I'll be bound."
Again he tries; hurrah! success
Has crown'd his untiring efforts at last!
Thus Victory always will Industry bless,
And the prize is more precious for dangers pass'd.
But the flowers of Hope which we fondest nurse
First wither, and bleaker leave the soul;
He dashes it down with a bitter curse--
'Twas only a piece of a broken bowl!
REMARKABLE TENACITY OF LIFE.--22.
A few evenings since, in the "private crib" of one of our exchanges,
there was a learned dissertation, subject, "Bed-bugs, and their
Remarkable Tenacity of Life." One asserted of his own knowledge that
they could be boiled, and then come to life. Some had soaked them for
hours in turpentine without any fatal consequences. Old Hanks, who
had been listening as an outsider, here gave in his experience in
corroboration of the facts. Says he, "Some years ago I took a bed-bug
to an iron-foundry, and dropping it into a ladle where the melted iron
was, had it run into a skillet. Well, my old woman used that skillet
pretty constant for the last six years, and here the other day it
broke all to smash; and what do you think, gentlemen, that 'ere insect
just walked out of his hole, where he'd been layin' like a frog in a
rock, and made tracks for his old roost upstairs! But," added he, by
way of parenthesis, "he looked mighty pale."
SAM'S SOUL.--23.
"Sam," said an interesting young mother to her youngest hopeful, "do
you know what the difference is between the body and soul? The soul,
my child, is what you love with; the body carries you about. This is
your body," touching the little fellow's shoulders and arms, "but
there is something deeper in--you can feel it now; what is that?" "Oh,
I know," said Sam, with a flash of intelligence in his eyes, "that's
my flannel shirt!"
AMERICAN ESTIMATE OF THEIR CLERGY.--24.
The _Louisville Journal_ assures an inquiring spinster that gospel
ministers are not more addicted to dissipation than men of other
professions. A few of the Kalloch type take gin-toddies and liberties
with females, but the majority of them are as good as lawyers. If you
want a true Christian, marry an editor.
"WHERE WARREN FELL."--25.
A Yankee gentleman, escorting a British friend around to view the
different objects of attraction in the vicinity of Boston, brought him
to Bunker's Hill. They stood looking at the splendid shaft, when the
Yankee said, "This is the place where Warren fell." "Ah!" replied the
Englishman evidently not posted up in local historical matters, "did
it hurt him much?" The native looked at him, with the expression of
fourteen Fourths of Julys in his countenance--"Hurt him!" said he, "he
was killed, sir." "Ah! he was, eh?" said the stranger, still eyeing
the monument, and computing its height in his own mind, layer by
layer; "well, I should think he would have been, to fall so far."
OUT-YANKEED.--26.
After the battle of Fredericksburg a little Yankee officer was talking
with one of our Alabama majors, who stood in that part of the field
where we had suffered most severely--dead men and horses, broken
cannon, and blown-up caissons being all around him. "You hurt us
powerful bad yesterday," said the Yankee. "Yes," replied the major,
drily. "Guess we hurt you some, too," rejoined the Yankee, looking at
the wrecks of humanity strewn about. "Didn't kill a man or a horse,"
said the major. The little Yankee looked up at the tall Confederate
for a moment, then at the dead men and horses on every side, and then
wheeled suddenly round and walked rapidly away, utterly astounded at
the cool manner in which the Alabamian had out-Yankeed the Yankees in
deliberate lying.
THE PRESIDENT'S VOICE.--27.
We got one darkie on the way out. He had never seen a cannon, and of
course did not know what it was. He stood beside one when they fired
it off, and I assure you Parry the clown never dropped as quick as he
did. His eyes rolled wildly, and he alarmingly called out: "Oh Lord!
hab mercy on dis poor chile. He am for de Union ebery time, sah." The
artillerymen might have been tied with straws. When they had got over
their laugh, they told him it was one of old Abe's guns. The nigger
said, "He hab a bery loud voice."
HOW A "COPPERHEAD" WAS SHAVED.--28.
One day, lately, a well-known gentleman in Philadelphia stepped
into a barber's shop, sat in a shaving-chair, drew a newspaper from
his pocket, and instructed the knight of the razor to take off his
beard. The barber was an African. He simply replied, "Yes, boss," and
produced his implements. The customer sat down. He was duly shaved.
His face was wiped; he arose, and donned his coat and hat. "How much?"
he asked, in a dolorous voice, as he adjusted his shirt-collar.
"Fifteen cents, boss." "Why, I thought you shaved for ten cents at
this shop." "Dat ar's de average, sah," was the reply. "Ten cents is
de price of a shave in dis yer shop. You come in here, sah, and read
the news of Sheridan's victory, and your face got about six inches
longer dan when yer come in. If your face was like it was afore you
read dat yar news ten cents was the price. When you commenced to read
about de defeat of Early, den your face stretched down about four
inches. Dat's what makes it wurf fifteen cents for der shave." The
customer couldn't restrain a grin, though he was a Copperhead, and the
hit at him was made by a "nigger." He paid the fee, and walked out. He
was one of those gentlemen who go their length upon M'Clellan, and who
of course shudder at every victory to the Union arms.
WHAT HE DID THE FIRST YEAR.--29.
In one of the courts at Hartford, Connecticut, recently, a woman
was testifying on behalf of her son, and swore that he had worked
on a farm ever since he was born. The lawyer who cross-examined her
said, "You assert that your son has worked on a farm ever since he
was born?" "I do." "What did he do the first year?" "He milked,"
she replied. The whole court laughed heartily, and the witness was
questioned no further.
THE LEARNED MEMBERS OF THE AMERICAN LEGISLATURE.--30.
A good story is told of the landlord of a hotel at Holly Springs,
Miss. It was a large fashionable hotel, and the landlord was a pompous
man, with a large corporosity and a ruffled shirt-bosom. Printed bills
of fare were provided, yet the landlord stood at the head of the table
at dinner and, in a loud voice, read off the list of articles in a
rhyming way--"Here's boiled ham, and raspberry jam; baked potatoes and
cooked tomatoes; turnips smashed and squashes _squashed_;" and so on.
Mr. M. asked him afterward why he read it aloud when printed copies
were on the table. "Force of habit," replied the landlord; "got so
used to it I can't help it. You see, I commenced business down here in
Jackson (the capital of Mississippi), and most of all the Legislature
boarded with me. There wasn't a man of 'em could read, so I had to
read the bill of fare to 'em."
A CANDID PARSON.--31.
A Yankee divine, of an advanced age, married for his second wife a
damsel young and handsome. When the elders of the church went to
inquire if the lady was a suitable person to make a useful figure as
a parson's wife, he answered frankly that he didn't think she was.
"But," added the irrepressible doctor, "although I don't pretend she
is a saint, she is a very pretty little sinner, and I love her." The
twain became one flesh.
A STUMP ORATOR.--32.
An Ohio stumper, while making a speech, paused in the midst of it and
exclaimed, "Now, gentlemen, what do you think?" Instantly a man rose
in the assembly, and, with one eye partially closed, modestly replied,
"I think, sir--I do indeed, sir--I think if you and I were to stump
the country together we would tell more lies than any other two men in
the country, sir; and I'd not say a word during the whole time, sir."
THE COLONEL ANSWERED.--33.
A certain colonel, a staff officer of one of the northern generals,
noted for his talent for repartee and the favourable opinion which he
entertained of his own good looks, stopped at the house of a farmer,
and discovered there a fine milch cow, and, still better, a pretty
girl, attired in a neat calico dress cut low in the neck and short in
the sleeves. After several unsuccessful attempts to engage the young
lady in conversation, he proposed to her to have the cow milked for
his own special benefit. This she indignantly refused. The colonel
not wishing to compromise his reputation for gallantry, remarked that
if all the young ladies in Virginia were as beautiful as the one
he had the pleasure of addressing, he had no desire to conquer the
Confederacy. With a toss of her pretty head, and a slight elevation of
her nose, she answered thus: "Well, sir, if all the gentlemen in your
army are as ugly as you are we ladies have no desire to conquer them."
How are you, colonel?
PITHY LETTER.--34.
General Rosecrans a few days ago received the following pertinent
letter from an indignant private:--"General,--I have been in the
service eighteen months, and have never received a cent. I desire
a furlough for fifteen days, in order to return home and remove my
family to the poor-house." The general granted the furlough.
THE GRAHAM SYSTEM.--35.
A little prattler, who had been brought up on the Graham system, asked
what she should have to eat when she went to Heaven. "The bread of
life, my dear," was the reply. "Will there be any butter on it, ma?"
was the quick retort.
WARD BEECHER'S PREACHING.--36.
Henry Ward Beecher asked Park Benjamin, the poet and humorist, why
he never came over to Brooklyn to hear him preach. Benjamin replied,
"Why, Beecher, the fact is, I have conscientious scruples against
going to places of public amusement on Sunday."
KISSING IN WISCONSIN.--37.
A Milwaukee paper says that when a Wisconsin girl is kissed, she
looks surprised, and says, "How could you do it?" To which the swain
replies, "It will give me much pleasure to show you," and proceeds to
give her a duplicate.
TOO SLOW FOR PARADISE.--38.
Pickering is a very nervous little man, who fusses and fidgets about
in a remarkably quick manner, and who holds in detestation anything
that can possibly come under the head of a slow coach, and indulges in
rather queer expressions when anything moves too slow for his views.
He is blessed with a "maid-of-all-work," who has caused him to utter
more profane words during the past three months than three years in
purgatory can atone for. One evening last week he despatched the girl
upon an errand to the neighbouring store, and according to his ideas
she remained an unaccountably long time. He pulled out his watch and
looked half-a-dozen times within ten minutes, whistled, drummed upon
the table with his fingers, beat time with his feet upon the floor,
and finally started up again and began pacing the room, as if his
nervous agitation could in any degree accelerate the movements of the
absent abigail. But the girl came at length, and her impatient master
broke forth with--"For goodness' sake, Maggie, where have you been?"
"In the store, sir," was Maggie's reply. "Well," said her master, "it
is about one hundred yards to the store, and you have been fifteen
minutes in going and returning." "Yes, sir," broke in the girl. "Now,
Maggie," continued he, "take my advice, and when you die, remain
quietly in your grave, and never make an attempt to get to Heaven."
"And why not, sir?" queried the bewildered girl. "Because," said
Pickering, "the sun is ninety-six millions of miles from the earth,
and Heaven is beyond that; and if you ever make an attempt to get
there, at the rate you move, eternity will come to an end before you
reach your destination."
THAT'S A GOOD 'UN!--39.
Some one was telling Sam about the longevity of the mud turtle. "Yes,"
said Sam, "I know all about that, for once I found a venerable old
fellow in a meadow, who was so old that he could scarcely wiggle his
tail, and on his back was carved (tolerably plain, considering all
things) these words: 'Paradise, Year 1, Adam.'"
INTERESTING TO THE PARTIES CONCERNED.--40.
In connexion with the late riot in that city the _Boston Journal_
publishes the following:--The individual who dropped half of his thumb
at the corner of Cooper and North Mangin Streets on Tuesday night,
may have some interest in knowing that it has been picked up and
carefully preserved by a worthy citizen of Ward 5; and the individual
in his shirt sleeves who limped off with a bullet in his hip from a
spot near the same neighbourhood, on the same night, may receive the
brick he gave in exchange for it by returning the bullet to the 3rd
police-station.
A KNOWING JURYMAN.--41.
A New Jersey paper tells a story of a well-known character who
frequently figured on juries in New York. While on a jury, as soon
as they had retired to their room to deliberate, he would button up
his coat and "turn in" on a bench, exclaiming: "Gentlemen, I'm for
bringing in a verdict for plaintiff (or defendant, as he had settled
his mind), and all creation can't move me. Therefore, as soon as you
have all agreed with me, wake me up, and we'll go in."
PAY YOUR POSTAGE.--42.
An American paper commends the following terrible lines to some of its
correspondents who have forgotten to prepay their letters, and saddled
the editor with sundry twopences to save their penny. The wild beauty
of the lines bespeaks the editor to have been in a mesmeric _coma_:--
"The man who now-a-days will write,
And not prepay his letter,
Is worser than the heathen are,
What don't know any better.
"And if you take a fine tooth-comb,
And rake down all creation,
You couldn't find a meaner man
In this 'ere mighty nation."
SOUND ADVICE.--43.
The private secretary of a cabinet minister is a wag. The other day
a young man, decidedly inebriated, walked into the executive chamber
and asked for the governor. "What do you want with him?" inquired the
secretary. "Oh, I want an office with a good salary--a sinecure."
"Well," replied the secretary, "I can tell you something better for
you than a sinecure--you had better try a water cure." A new idea
seemed to strike the young inebriate, and he vanished.
SIMPLICITY.--44.
An exchange tells the following simple story of a little child
kneeling by his bed to pray, as he retired for the night. He said:
"Dear Heavenly Father, please don't let the large cow hook me, nor
the horse kick me; and don't let me run away outside of the gate when
mother tells me not to."
CORKING UP DAYLIGHT.--45.
It is reported that a Yankee down East has invented a machine for
corking up daylight, which will eventually supersede gas. He covers
the interior of a flour barrel with shoemaker's wax, holds it open to
the sun, then suddenly heads up the barrel. The light sticks to the
wax, and at night can be cut into lots to suit purchasers.
A BABY STORY.--46.
A very curious baby story comes to us from New Jersey. A mother and a
daughter were confined on the same day, each having a little son. In
the bustle of the moment, both babies were placed in the same cradle,
and, to the confusion of the mothers, when the youngsters were taken
from the cradle, they were unable to tell which was the mother's and
which was the daughter's son--a matter which, of course, must ever
remain a mystery. The family is in the greatest distress over the
affair.
MARRIAGE NOTICES.--47.
A Western paper gives the following notice:--All notices of marriage,
where no bride-cake is sent, will be set up in small type, and poked
into some outlandish corner of the papers. Where a handsome piece of
cake is sent, it will be put conspicuously in large letters; when
gloves, or other bride favours are added, a piece of illustrative
poetry will be given in addition. When, however, the editor attends
the ceremony in _propriâ personâ_, and kisses the bride, it will have
especial notice--very large type, and the most appropriate poetry that
can be begged, borrowed, stolen, or coined from the brain editorial.
A HOMELY FLAG OF TRUCE.--48.
A rebel at Gettysburg, wishing to surrender, and having nothing
else for a flag of truce, dived his hands into his pantaloons, and
elevated his shirt above his head, amid roars of laughter from the
Federals, who immediately accepted his unconditional surrender. Rather
a good thing for that rebel that he was the possessor of such a luxury
as a reasonably clean shirt.
HE HAD HIM THAT TIME.--49.
A candidate for office, wishing to describe his opponent as a
"soulless man," said: "Some persons hold the opinion that just at
the precise moment after one human being dies, another is born,
and the soul enters and animates the new-born babe. Now, I have
made particular inquiries concerning my opponent, and I find that
for some hours before he drew breath nothing but a donkey died.
Fellow-citizens, I will now leave you to draw the inference."
"DE DISSOLUTION OF COPARSNIPS."--50.
A coloured firm in Newark, New Jersey, having suffered some pecuniary
embarrassments, recently closed business, and the senior member gave
to the public the following "notis:"--"De dissolution of coparsnips
heretofo resisting twixt me and Mose Jones in the barber perfession,
am heretofo resolved. Pussons who ose must pay to de scriber. Dem what
de firm ose must call on Jones, as de firm is insolved."
UNACCEPTABLE GRATITUDE.--51.
Lieutenant J----n, late of the 16th regiment, was, a few days ago,
walking down Main Street, Utica, when he was accosted by a fellow,
half soldier, half beggar, with a most reverential military salute.
"God bless your honour," said the man, whose accent betrayed him to
be Irish, "and long life to you." "How do you know me?" said the
lieutenant. "Is it how do I know your honour?" responded Pat. "Good
right, sure, I have to know the man who saved my life in battle." The
lieutenant, highly gratified at this tribute to his valour, slid a
fifty cent bill into his hand, and asked him when. "God bless your
honour, and long life to you," said the grateful veteran. "Sure it was
at Antietam, when, seeing your honour run away as fast as your legs
could carry you from the rebels I followed your lead, and ran after
you out of the way whereby, under God, I saved my life. Oh! good luck
to your honour; I never will forget it to you."
FEELING HER WAY.--52.
General Schenck, discussing the Democratic platform, in a speech
at Hamilton, Ohio, brought down the House by the following
illustration:--"I know nothing at all that is like it, unless it may
be the character of the fruit that is sold by an old lady who sits at
the door of the court-house in Cincinnati. She is a shrewd old woman.
A young sprig of a lawyer stepped up one day and said to her, 'You
seem to have some fine apples; are they sweet or sour?' The old lady
tried to take the measure of her customer, and find out whether his
taste was for sweet or sour apples. 'Why, sir,' said she, 'they are
rather acid; a sort of low tart, inclined to be very sweet.'"
FORENSIC ELOQUENCE.--53.
The following is as an extract from the recent address of a barrister
"out West" to a jury:--"The law expressly declares, gentlemen, in the
beautiful language of Shakspeare, that where no doubt exists of the
prisoner, it is your duty to fetch him in innocent. If you keep this
fact in view, in the case of my client, gentlemen, you will have the
honour of making a friend of him and all his relations, and you can
allers look upon this occasion and reflect with pleasure that you have
done as you would be done by. But if, on the other hand, you disregard
the principle of law, and set at naught my eloquent remarks and fetch
him in guilty, the silent twitches of conscience will follow you all
over every fair cornfield, I reckon, and my injured and down-trodden
client will be apt to light on you one of these dark nights, _as my
cat lights on a sasserful of new milk_."
STORY WITH A MORAL.--54.
A young Yankee had formed an attachment for the daughter of a rich
old farmer, and after agreeing with the "bonnie lassie" went to the
old farmer to ask his consent; and during the ceremony, which was an
awkward one with Jonathan, he whittled away at a stick. The old man
watched the movements of the knife, at the same time continuing to
talk on the prospects of his future son-in-law, as he supposed, until
the stick was dwindled down to naught. He then spoke as follows:--"You
have fine property, you have steady habits; good enough looking; but
you can't have my daughter. Had you made something, no matter what,
of the stick you whittled away, you could have had her; as it is you
cannot. Your property will go as the stick did, little by little,
until all is gone, and your family reduced to want. I have read your
character; you have my answer."
ODD EXCUSE FOR NOT BEING HUNG.--55.
Two bushwhackers were captured, both of whom were very properly dealt
with summarily by being hanged. One of them had received a shot in
the shoulder, inflicting a painful wound, disabling him from making
his escape. While the officer was arranging the hempen necklace about
the wounded tory's neck, it produced considerable pain in the wounded
shoulder, which induced him to exclaim--"Oh! do please don't! I don't
believe I can bear to be hung--my shoulder is so sore!"
AN AGREEABLE CUSTOMER.--56.
"Stranger, I want to leave my dog in this 'ere office till the boat
starts; I'm afraid somebody will steal him." "You can't do it," said
the clerk; "take him out." "Well, stranger, that is cruel; but you're
both dispositioned alike, and he's kinder company for you." "Take him
out!" roared the clerk. "Well, stranger, I don't think you're honest,
and you want watching. Here, Dragon," he said to the dog, "sit down
here, and watch that fellow sharp!" and turning on his heel said: "Put
him out, stranger, if he's troublesome." The dog lay there till the
boat started, watching and howling at every movement of the clerk, who
gave him the better half of the office.
FAILED FOR A GOOD REASON.--57.
Many a glorious speculation has failed for the same good reason that
the old Taxan ranger gave when he was asked why he didn't buy land
when it was dog cheap. "Wall, I did come nigh onto taking eight
thousand acres once't," said old Joe, mournfully. "You see, two of
the boys came in one day from an Indian hunt without any shoes, and
offered me their titles to two leagues just below for a pair of
boots." "For a pair of boots!" we exclaimed. "But why on earth did you
not take it? They'd be worth a hundred thousand dollars to-day. Why
did'nt you give them the boots?" "Just because I did'nt have the boots
to give," said old Joe, as he took another chew of tobacco, quite as
contented as if he owned two hundred leagues of land.
WRITING TO THE OLD WOMAN.--58.
"Massa," said the black steward to his captain, as they fell in with
a homeward-bound vessel, "I wish you would write a few lines for me
to the old woman, 'cause I can't write." The good-natured skipper
complied, and wrote all that Pompey dictated. As the captain was about
to seal up the letter, Pompey reminded him that he had omitted to say,
"Please 'scuse de bad writin' and spellin'."
"I'M THE BAGGAGE."--59.
As the mid-day Worcester train was about leaving the _dépôt_, a man of
the Johnsonian type of manners entered one of the cars, and gruffly
requested that two young ladies occupying separate seats should sit
together, that he and his friend might enjoy a _tête-à-tête_ on the
other seat. "But," said one of the damsels, blushing, "this seat
is engaged." "Engaged, is it?" brusquely responded the man; "who
engaged it!" "A young man," said the conscious maiden. "A young man,
eh! where's his baggage?" persisted Ursa Major. "I'm his baggage,
Old Hateful," replied the demure damsel, putting her rosy lips into
the prettiest pout. "Old Hateful" subsided; the young man came
in, extended his arm protectingly, almost caressingly, around his
"baggage," and Mr. Conductor Capron started the train.
CROSS PURPOSES.--60.
A colporteur recently entered a log-house of a dweller in Ohio, and
asked the mistress of the household if they had the gospel there.
She said: "No; but they have it dreadful bad about four miles below."
This may have been the same colporteur who entered another log-house,
and inquired if there were any Presbyterians in that vicinity. He was
answered: "I guess not; my old man has not killed any since we have
lived here." In one instance the colporteur was taken for a doctor; in
the other for a hunter.
THE CHICKENS IN TENNESSEE.--61.
One day a wealthy old lady, whose plantation was in the vicinity of
the camp, came in and inquired for General Payne. When the commander
made his appearance, the old lady, in warm language, at once
acquainted him with the fact that his men had stolen her last coop
full of chickens, and demanded their restitution or their value in
currency. "I am sorry for you, madam," replied the general, "but I
can't help it. The fact is, madam, we are determined to squelch out
the rebellion, if it takes every chicken in Tennessee."
A SONNET INSTEAD OF A BONNET.--62.
An officer in Banks's department recently received a letter from his
little daughter at home, asking him to send her money with which to
buy a new bonnet, to which he replied as follows:--
"I would send you a kiss, dear daughter,
As pure from a fond father's lips,
And as chaste as the drop of water
That fresh from an icicle drips;
But kisses thus sent in a letter
Would lose all their sweetness for thee,
And I know it would please thee far better
To receive a few greenbacks from me.
But as I am 'hard up,' and you not in need,
You will have to put up with the will for the deed;
I therefore send you this nice little sonnet,
Instead of the greenbacks to buy you a bonnet."
THE OLD HEN AND CHICKENS.--63.
Aunt E. was trying to persuade little Eddy to retire at sundown. "You
see, my dear, how the little chickens go to roost at that time." "Yes,
aunty," replied Eddy, "but the old hen always goes with them." Aunty
tried no more arguments with him.
STRANGE PECULIARITIES.--64.
A Western editor sums up the peculiarities of a contemporary as
follows:--He is too lazy to earn a meal, and too mean to enjoy one. He
was never generous but once, and that was when he gave the itch to an
apprentice boy--so much for his goodness of heart! Of his industry, he
says, the public may judge when he states that the only time he ever
worked was when he mistook castor oil for honey.
GRIM WELCOME.--65.
On the evening before the last unsuccessful attempt to storm the
defences of Port Hudson, some of our skirmishers were endeavouring,
under cover of darkness, to draw closer to the rebel works. A rebel
sentinel discovered them, and hallooed out: "How are you, Yank?" One
of our men replied: "Yes, we're bound to come." "All right," returned
the rebel, "we have got room enough to bury you."
BACHELORISM A LUXURY.--66.
"You bachelors ought to be taxed," said Mrs. Dackford to a resolute
evader of the matrimonial noose. "I agree with you perfectly, madam,"
was the reply, "for bachelorism is a luxury."
A COOL CUSTOMER.--67.
The _Winsted_ (Ct.) _Herald_ thinks the fellow who wrote the
following note, not considering it any disappointment to postpone
his wedding, is a philosopher. The note was addressed to a Winsted
clothing dealer:--"Dear Sir,--I do not care for the velvet collar,
so you may do as you please about putting it on. It was no serious
disappointment, only I should have been married if I had received the
goods."
SCRIPTURE NAMES.--68.
Some young ladies who had been attending an evening party, desired
to return home, but had no male attendant. The master of the house
requested his son to accompany them, and made use of a scripture name.
What was it? Jeroboam--Jerry beau 'em.
Jerry proving reluctant, the gentleman desired another son to act as
escort. What scripture name did he utter? Lemuel--Lem you will.
Still there was a difficulty, and a like request was made in a similar
manner to another son. What was it? Samuel--Sam you will.
Sam having consented, the parties took their seats in a sleigh, for
the purpose of going home. It was found there was plenty of room for
one more. What scripture name did the old gentleman use to induce
another son to accompany the guests? Benjamin--Ben jam in.
The driver was requested to start in another scripture name. What was
it? Joshua--Josh away.
When the sleigh was fairly off, it was discovered that one of the
young ladies had been left behind. There was no possibility of
recalling her companions, so the old gentleman asked still another of
his sons to console the young lady for her disappointment. What was
the last scripture name thus used? Ebenezer--Eben ease her.
AN INQUIRING MIND.--69.