And over this world and through,
Though weary and worn,
Bereft and forlorn,
Still "paddle your own canoe."
Never give up when trials come,
Never grow sad and blue.
Never sit down
With a tear and a frown,
But "paddle your own canoe."
There are daisies springing along the shores,
Blooming and sweet for you;
There are rose-hued dyes
In the autumn skies--
Then "paddle your own canoe."
TO SNORERS.--94.
An inventive Yankee has produced an apparatus which, he says, is a
cure for snoring. He fastens upon the nose a gutta-percha tube leading
to the tympanum of the ear. Whenever the snorer snores, he himself
receives the first impression, finds how disagreeable it is, and, of
course, reforms.
INGENIOUS BOOT-BLACK.--95.
The street boot-blacks are one of the "institutions" of New York, as
well as of some other large cities. These boys are generally so polite
and so industrious that we rather like them, and sometimes take a
"shine up" just to see them work, and to chat with the smart little
fellows. Here is a case illustrating their ingenuity:--A well-dressed
man standing at a hotel-door not long since was hailed by one of them
with the usual question, "Shine up, sir?" "What do you charge for
blacking boots?" asked the man, who was somewhat noted for stinginess.
"Five cents," was the reply. "Too much, too much; I'll give you three
cents," said the man. "All right," said the youngster, and at it he
went with might and main, and very soon had one boot shining like a
mirror; but, instead of commencing on the other he began to pack up
his brushes. "You havn't finished," exclaimed the man. "Never mind,"
replied the boot-black, with a twinkle in his eye; "I won't charge you
anything for what I've done; there comes a customer who pays." The
man glanced at the shining boot, then at the other, which was rusty
and bespattered with mud, thought of the ridiculous figure he would
make with _one_ polished boot, and amid the laughter of the bystanders
agreed to give the sharp boy ten cents to finish the job, which he did
in double quick time, and with great pleasure.
A YANKEE'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY.--96.
Sir, I was born and raised in Connecticut;
Bolted to sea, and was wreck'd in Japan;
Quite a respectable figure I 'spect I cut,
When coming back to keep school I began.
Guess at the saw-mill I proved a top sawyer,
And as a minister made a small splurge;
Reckon I felt more at home as a lawyer,
Ere as a doctor I learn'd how to purge.
But the long words in the medical lexicon
Soon I forgot from a couple of years
Spent in campaigning against the darn'd Mexican,
When I commanded the Bragg Volunteers.
Just for a change, then a paper I edited,
Scorch'd politicians, and pitch'd into books;
That was before I was envoy accredited--
Austrian plenipo--General Snooks.
'Tis a slow life--that of Minister resident--
Posting despatches to kings, and what not;
But, as they propose to run me for President,
Hang'd if I care to repine at my lot.
COLD PICTURE.--97.
An eminent artist, American, of course, lately painted a snow-storm so
naturally that he caught a bad cold by sitting near it with his coat
off.
LINCOLN ON NIGGER MATHEMATICS.--98.
Our humorous Chief Magistrate was lately visited by one of the "On
to Richmond," sword of Gideon gentry, who confidently expressed the
hope so common among the abolition noodles, that Lee's army would be
"bagged." The President grinned to the utmost of his classic mouth,
and remarked that he was afraid there would be too much "nigger
mathematics" in it. The visitor smiled at the allusion, as he felt
bound in politeness to do, supposing there must be something in it,
though he could not see the point. "But I suppose you don't know what
'nigger mathematics' is?" continued Mr. Lincoln. "Lay down your hat
a minute and I'll tell you." He himself resumed the sitting posture,
leaned back in his chair, elevated his heels on the table, and went
on with his story. "There was a darky in my neighbourhood called
Pompey, who, from a certain quickness in figuring up the prices of
chickens and vegetables, got the reputation of being a mathematical
genius. Mr. Johnson, a darkey preacher, heard of Pompey and called
to see him. 'Here ye're a great mat'm'tishum, Pompey.' 'Yes sar, you
jas try.' 'Well, Pompey, Ize compound a problem in mat'matics.' 'All
right, sar.' 'Now Pompey, spose dere am tree pigeons sittin' on a
rail-fence, and you fire a gun at 'em and shoot one, how many's left?'
'Two, ob coors,' replies Pompey, after a little wool scratching.
'Ya! ya! ya!' laughs Mr. Johnson; 'I knowed you was a fool, Pompey;
dere's none left; one's dead, and dudder two's flown away.' That's
what makes me say," continued Mr. Lincoln, "that I am afraid there was
too much 'nigger mathematics' in the Pennsylvania campaign." And the
result showed that in this instance, at least, the anecdote suited the
fact. Lee's army was the three pigeons. One of them was taken down at
Gettysburg, but the other two flew over the Potomac.
THE WRONG TRAIN.--99.
Some young men, going from Columbus to Cincinnati Ohio, in the cars,
were getting rather noisy and profane, when a gentleman in a white
cravat tapped one of them on the shoulder, with the remark, "Young
man, do you know that you are on the road to perdition?" "That's just
my luck; I got a ticket for Cincinnati, and I've got into the wrong
train."
SCIENTIFIC AGREEMENT.--100.
A California paper tells the story of a showman who delighted an
"appreciating public" with a view of the Mammoth Cave. It was his
custom, as each scene was exhibited, to explain it. When the great
cave came to view, he stepped forward and said: "Ladies and gentlemen,
this is a great phenomena--indeed, the greatest of the world. The
learned of all nations have visited it; but while none could agree
as to the cause which had produced it, they all came to this grand
conclusion, that it was one of the most tremendous holes in the ground
they had ever seen."
THE SADDEST SIGHT.--101.
The attention of bachelors is invited to the following "wail" from
the _Springfield Republican_:--"There are some sad sights in this
world: a city sacked and burned--a London in the midst of a plague--a
ship burning at sea--a family pining in starvation--a jug of molasses
wrecked on the pavement; but the saddest sight to us of all is an old
bachelor, stolidly walking towards his end, his great duties undone,
his shirt buttons off, his stockings out at the toes, and nobody to
leave his money to. Were we such a man, the mild, reproving eye of
a widow or maiden lady would drive us mad. But there is still hope.
Uglier and older men than any of our friends have married beautiful
wives, who trained them admirably, and spent their money elegantly."
NO DOUBT.--102.
A western editor, in noticing a new and splendid hearse, says, "He has
no doubt it will afford much satisfaction to those who use it."
JOB'S PATIENCE--AS VIEWED BY A LADY.--103.
If there _is_ a proverb that needs revamping, it is "_the patience
of Job_." Now, in the first place, Job _wasn't_ patient. Like all the
rest of his sex, from that day to the present, he could be heroic only
for a time. He _began_ bravely, but ended, as most of them do under
annoyance, by cursing and swearing. Patient as Job! Did Job ever try,
when he was hungry, to eat shad with a frisky baby in his lap? Did Job
ever try, after nursing one all night, and upon taking his seat at the
breakfast-table the morning after, to pour out coffee for six people,
and second cups at that, before he had a chance to take a mouthful
himself? Pshaw! I've no patience with "Job's patience." It is of no
use to multiply instances; but there's not a faithful house-mother in
the land who does not out-distance him in the sight of men and angels
every hour in the twenty-four.
HUNTING UP A SOFT PLACE.--104.
"I was down to see the widow yesterday," said Tim's uncle, "and
she gave me a dinner. I went down rather early in the morning. We
talked, and laughed, and chatted, and run on, she going out and in
occasionally, till dinner was ready, when she helped me graciously to
a piece of pie. Now I thought that, Tim, rather favourable. I took it
as a symptom of personal approbation, because everybody knows I love
pigeon pie, and I flattered myself she had cooked it on purpose for
me. So I grew particularly cheerful, and thought I could see it in
her too. So, after dinner, while sitting close beside the widow, I
fancied we both felt kind of comfortable like: I know I did. I fell
over head and ears in love with her, and I imagined, from the way she
looked, she had fallen in love with me. She appeared for all the world
as if she thought it was coming. Presently--I couldn't help it--I
laid my hand softly on her beautiful shoulder, and I remarked, when I
placed it there, in my blandest tones, Tim--for I tried to throw my
whole soul into the expression--I remarked, then, with my eyes pouring
love, truth, and fidelity right into hers: 'Widow, this is the nicest,
softest place I ever had my hand in all my life!' Looking benevolently
at me, and at the same time flushing up a little, she said, in melting
and winning tones: 'Doctor, give me your hand, and I'll put it on a
much softer place.' In a moment, in rapture, I consented, and, taking
my hand, she very gently, Tim, and quietly laid it on my head. Now,
Tim, I havn't told this to a livin' soul but you, and, by jinks! you
musn't. But I couldn't hold in any longer, so I tell you; but, mind,
it musn't go any further."
ENGLISH GRAMMAR.--105.
The "Comic Grammar" says:--
But remember, though box
In the plural makes boxes,
The plural of ox
Should be _oxen_, not oxes.
To which an exchange paper adds:--
And remember, though fleece
In the plural is fleeces,
That the plural of goose
Aren't _gooses_ nor _geeses_.
We may also be permitted to add:--
And remember, though house
In the plural is houses,
The plural of mouse
Should be _mice_, and not _mouses_.
--_Philadelphia Gazette._
All of which goes to prove
That grammar a farce is;
For where is the plural
Of rum and molasses?
--_New York Gazette._
The plural--_Gazette_--
Of rum don't us trouble;
Take one glass too much
And you're sure to see double.
--_Brooklyn Daily Advertiser._
A pair of blue eyes--
Just to vary the strain--
Says the plural of kiss
Is--"Do it again!"
--_Howard County Sentinel._
Our English vernacular
Is rife in abuse:
"Unloose" is the same thing
As if you said _loose_!
--_Montreal Pilot._
To these observations
We also might add
Much to prove that all grammar's
Deplorably bad;
But for Lennie and Murray
We have too much respect,
To say e'en a word
Having evil effect.
--_Anon._
ALL WELL.--106.
A young lady of extraordinary capacity, addressed the following letter
to her cousin:--"We is all well, and mother's got the his Terrix;
brother Tom is got the Hupin Kaugh, and sister Ann has got a babee,
and hope these few lines will find you the same. Rite sune. Your
apfhectionate kuzzen."
WHAT HE ALWAYS DID AT HOME.--107.
There is a story told of an Irishman who, landing in our harbour, was
met and welcomed by a countryman who had been longer here. "Welcome,
Pat," said the latter, "I'm glad to see ye; ye've come just in
time, for to-morrow's election day." Pat and his friend took some
refreshment together, and presently the newly arrived began to make
some inquiries about voting. "Ye'll vote for who ye plaize," said his
friend, "sure it's a free counthry." "Well, thin, begorra," rejoined
Pat, "I go agin the Government, that's what I always did at home."
HAVING THE COFFIN HANDY.--108.
A man near Cleveland, Ohio, applied for exemption from the draft
because an old mother needed his cherishing care. To show how much
feeling this affectionate son has for his old mother, the neighbours
say he has had her coffin in the house for over two years. He came
to town with a load of wood one day, and being unable to sell it, he
contrived to trade it off with an undertaker for a coffin. His mother
being old, might die suddenly, and then, as Mrs. Toddles says, "how
handy it would be to have in the house." Being of a frugal as well as
an ingenious turn of mind, he put the coffin in the cellar to keep
turnips, against such time as the old lady might drop off.
PATERNAL ADVICE.--109.
"Ven you arrive at the dignity of sawin' wood, Lafayette, if you is
elvevated to that perfesshun, mind and always saw de biggest fust;
cause vy? you'll only have te leetle vuns to saw ven you gets tired
out. Ven you eats pie, as I spose you may if you lives to be a man,
eat de crust fust--tain't a good thing to top off with, if it's tough
and thick as sole leather. Ven you piles up wood, alvays put de pig
vuns on to te bottom--always, Lafayette, cause it's mighty hard vork
to lift dem to de top ob te pile. Dese are te results ob observation,
Lafayette, and may be depended on, and it's for your good I say it."
"Vy, father," said young hopeful, "vot a 'normous 'xperience you must
a had!"
THE FIRST MARRIAGE.--110.
We like short courtships, and in this Adam acted like a sensible man.
He fell asleep a bachelor, and awoke to find himself a married man. He
appeared to have popped the question almost immediately after meeting
Mademoiselle Eve, and she without any flirtation or shyness, gave him
a kiss and herself. Of this first event in the world, we have however,
our thoughts, and sometimes in a poetical mood have wished that we
were the man that did it. But the deed is done. The chance was Adam's
and he improved it. We like the notion of getting married in a garden;
it is a good taste. We like a private wedding--Adam's was private. No
envious beaux were there; no croaking old maids; no chattering aunts
and grumbling grandmothers. The birds of heaven were the minstrels,
and the glad sky flung its light upon the scene. One thing about
the wedding brings queer thoughts to us spite of scriptural truth.
Adam and his wife were rather young to be married--some two or three
days old, according to the sagest speculations of theologians; mere
babies--larger, but no older; without experience, without a house,
without a pot or kettle--nothing but love and Eden.
NOVEL COMMENTARY BY A PARSON.--111.
A minister at a camp meeting was delivering a discourse on pride, and,
in cautioning the ladies against it, he said: "And you, dear sisters,
may perhaps feel proud that our Lord paid you the distinguished
honour of appearing first to one of you after the resurrection; but
you have no reason for it, as it was undoubtedly done that the glad
tidings might spread sooner."
LOBSTER SALAD.--112.
In a lecture at Portland, Maine, the lecturer, wishing to explain to
a little girl the manner in which a lobster casts his shell when he
has outgrown it, said: "What do you do when you have outgrown your
clothes? You cast them aside, do you not?" "Oh, no!" replied the
little one, "we let out the tucks!" The lecturer confessed she had the
advantage of him there.
COULDN'T HELP IT, IN FACT.--113.
A grand jury down South ignored a bill against a negro for stealing
chickens, and before discharging him from custody, the judge bade him
stand reprimanded, and he concluded thus:--"You may go now, John,
but let me warn you never to appear here again." John, with delight
beaming in his eyes, and a broad grin, displaying a beautiful row
of ivory, replied: "I wouldn't been here dis time, Judge, only de
constable fotch me."
AFTER JOINING CHURCH.--114.
Uncle Sam had a neighbour who was in the habit of working on Sunday,
but after a while he joined the church. One day he met the minister
to whose church he belonged. "Well, Uncle Sam," said he, "do you see
any difference in Mr. P. since he joined the church?" "Oh, yes," said
Uncle Sam, "a great difference. Before, when he went out to mend his
fences on Sunday, he carried his axe on his shoulder, but now he
carries it under his over-coat."
REMARKABLE DREAM.--115.
A bashful youth was paying his addresses to a gay lass of the country,
who had long despaired of bringing things to a crisis. Youth called
one day when she was alone at home. After settling the merits of the
weather, Miss said, looking slyly into his face, "I dreamed of you
last night," "Did you? Why, now." "Yes, I dreamed you kissed me!"
"Why, now, what did you dream your mother said?" "Oh, I dreamed she
wasn't at home." A light dawned on Youth's intellect, and directly
something was heard to crack.
THE NEST EGG.--116.
Some friends of ours in Ohio have a little boy about six years old,
and a little girl about four. They had been cautioned in their morning
strife after hens' eggs not to take away the nest egg; but one morning
the little girl reached the nest first, seized an egg, and started for
the house. Her disappointed brother followed, crying, "Mother, mother!
Suzy, she's been and got the egg the old hen measures by!"
WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW? BY J. G. SAXE.--117.
I know a girl with teeth of pearl
And shoulders white as snow;
She lives--ah! well,
I must not tell--
Wouldn't you like to know?
Her sunny hair is wondrous fair,
And wavy in its flow.
Who made it less
One little tress--
Wouldn't you like to know?
Her eyes are blue (celestial hue)
And dazzling in their glow.
On whom they beam
With melting gleam--
Wouldn't you like to know?
Her lips are red and finely wed,
Like roses ere they blow.
What lover sips
Those dewy lips--
Wouldn't you like to know?
Her fingers are like lilies fair,
When lilies fairest grow.
Whose hand they press
With fond caress--
Wouldn't you like to know?
Her foot is small, and has a fall
Like snow-flakes on the snow.
And where it goes
Beneath the rose--
Wouldn't you like to know?
She has a name, the sweetest name
That language can bestow.
'Twould break the spell
If I should tell--
Wouldn't you like to know?
WOMAN-OLOGY.--118.
We (_Home Journal_) wish to be learned in the subtle science of
the softer sex. We aspire to know, at least, what it is that makes
woman so adorable as magnetism pronounces her to be, and we have
seen nothing so tributary to this science as an article in "Once a
Month," entitled "The Good that hath been said of Woman." From the
pleasant little periodical we speak of (edited by a younger brother of
our own), we quote thus largely:--"One day the Fairy Blue descended
upon earth with the courteous intention of distributing to all her
daughters, inhabitants of different lands, the treasures and favours
she brought with her. Her dwarf, Amaranth, sounded his horn, and
immediately a young girl of each nation presented herself at the foot
of the throne of Fairy Blue. This happened a long time before the
revolution of July, 1830. The good Fairy Blue said to all her friends:
'I desire that none of you shall have to complain of the gift I am
about to make you. It is not in my power to give each of you the
same thing; but such want of uniformity in my largesses, should that
deprive them of all merit?' As time is precious to the fairies, they
say but little. Fairy Blue here finished her speech, and commenced the
distribution of her gifts. She gave to the young girl who represented
the Castiles, hair so black and so long that she could make a mantilla
of it. To the Italian girl she gave eyes, sparkling and brilliant as
an eruption of Vesuvius at midnight. To the Turkish, an _embonpoint_
round as the moon, and soft as eider-down. To the English, an
aurora-borealis, to tint her cheeks, her lips, her shoulders. To the
German, such teeth as she had herself, and what is not worth less
than pretty teeth, but which has its price, a feeling heart, and
one profoundly disposed to love. To the Russian girl she gave the
distinction of a queen. Then, passing to detail, she placed gaiety
upon the lips of a Neapolitan girl, wit in the head of an Irish, good
sense in the heart of a Flemish; and when she had no more to give,
she prepared to take her flight. 'And I?' said the Parisian girl,
retaining her by her blue tunic. 'I had forgotten you.' 'Entirely
forgotten, Madam?' 'You were too near me, and I did not perceive you.
But what can I do now? The bag of gifts is exhausted.'"
OLE HARRY AND OLE NICK.--119.
When Nicholas Biddle, familiarly called Nick Biddle, was connected
with the United States Bank, there was an old negro named Harry, who
used to be loafing about the premises. One day, in a social mood,
Biddle said to the darkey, "Well, what is your name, my old friend?"
"Harry, sir--ole Harry," said the other, touching his seedy hat. "Old
Harry," said Biddle; "why, that is the name they give to the devil, is
it not?" "Yes, sir," said the coloured gentleman; "sometimes ole Harry
and sometimes ole Nick."
WESTERN OBITUARY NOTICE.--120.
Mister Edatur,--Jem bangs, we are sorry to stait, has desized. He
departed this Life last mundy. Jem was generally considered a gud
feller. He died at the age of 23 years old. He went 4th without any
struggle; and sich is Life. Tu Day we are as pepper grass, mighty
smart, to-Murrer we are cut down like a cowcumber of the ground. Jem
kept a nice stoar, which his wife now waits on. His virchews was
numerous to behold. Many is the things we bot at his grocerry, and
we are happy to stait to the admirin world that he never cheeted,
especially in the wate of markrel, which was nice and sweet, and his
surviving wife is the same wa. We never knew him to put sand in his
sugar, tho he had a big sand bar in front of his hous; nor water in
his Lickuris, tho the Ohio River runs past his dore. Pece to his
remaines. He leves a wife, 8 children, a cow, 4 horses, a grocerry
stoar, and quadrupets, to mourn his loss; but, in the spalendid
language of the poit, his loss is there eternal gane.
PUTTING FORWARD HIS CREED.--121.
The gentleman who edits the _Kentucky Rifle_, having been taken to
task by a lady correspondent as to what constituted his particular
faith, thus puts forward his creed:--"We believe that Mrs. Zebedee
was a nice woman and that Mr. Zebedee was the father of his own
children. We believe that guano and lime mixed together will make
splendid hartshorn. It is our opinion that a donkey's kick and editing
a newspaper are two of the hardest things in creation. We believe
that getting 'tight' loosens the morals, but we shall always contend
that it is cheaper in the long run to try the experiment with good
whisky than with a mean article. We believe that a man who can be kept
awake six nights in the week with jumping toothache, and be 'roused'
by a squalling baby just as he has fallen into a doze on the seventh
night, without getting mad or wondering why babies and toothache were
invented, is a greater philosopher than Newton, and a greater hero
than Leonidas and all his Spartans put together. We believe that a man
is not likely to be sick so often if he pays his physician by the year
as if he pays him by the visit. We believe that every well-regulated
family ought always to have one baby in it, just for the fun of the
thing. We believe that the man who invented tallow candles must have
been too poor to afford pine-knots. It is our opinion that if a number
of gentlemen are sitting together talking sensibly upon some subject,
and a lady enters, they will immediately commence talking foolishly
and keep it up until she makes her exit. We believe they do so by way
of complimentary condescension to female weakness."
NOT SO.--122.
Many proverbs admit of contradiction, as witness the following:--"The
more the merrier." Not so--one hand is enough in a purse. "Nothing but
what has an end." Not so--a ring has none, for it is round. "Money
is a great comfort." Not when it brings a thief to the gallows. "The
world is a long journey." Not so--the sun goes over it in a day. "It
is a great way to the bottom of the sea." Not so--it is but a stone's
cast. "A friend is best found in adversity." Not so--for then there
is none to be found. "The pride of the rich makes the labour of the
poor." Not so--the labour of the poor makes the pride of the rich.
THE OHIO DEMOCRACY.--123.