It was a very pleasant day and I thought I'd take a short walk.
I came to a large building in the course of construction. Just outside
was a crowd of workingmen who had some argument.
I crossed over to see what was the matter and found two men pummeling
each other unmercifully.
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Finally the one who was getting the worst of it cried out:
"Say, I thought this was to be a fair, stand-up fight?"
"That's right," said a number of his companions.
"Well, how the devil can it be a fair, stand-up fight if he keeps
knocking me down all the time?"
All at once a cop put in an appearance and arrested the principals, and
some of the bystanders as witnesses.
I thought I would see the thing out, so I went to court where one of the
men entered the charge of assault against the other.
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The whole crowd wanted to explain, but they only succeeded in getting
the judge sadly mixed up.
He told them to be quiet and addressed himself to one of the witnesses.
"Now, look here," he says. "As the court understands it, the defendant
here began the quarrel, because the plaintiff hurled a vile epithet at
him. Was that the way of it?"
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"No, your honor," says the man. "Nobody chucked an epithet. Mike called
John a bad name and John heaved a brick at him. Nobody hurled nothing
else."
After leaving court one of my teeth pained me dreadfully, so I went to
the dentist to have it attended to.
He advised me to take gas.
"All right," says I. "What is the effect of gas?"
"Why," says he, "it simply makes you totally insensible. You don't know
anything that's taking place."
"Go ahead," says I, and I put my hand in my pocket and pulled out all
the money I had.
The dentist, thinking that I was about to pay him, says:
"Oh, don't bother about that now. You have plenty of time."
"That's all right," says I. "I just wanted to see how much money I had
before the gas took effect."
I took a walk up Broadway the other night and ran into my old friend
Jenkins.
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After numerous liquid greetings, I asked him how Mrs. Jenkins was.
"Well," says he, "she isn't well at all. You see, she had an awful
experience last night.
"I was out and she was all alone in the house. Suddenly she heard
muffled footsteps on the porch. They came nearer and finally sounded in
the dining-room.
"Bravely she faced the midnight marauder, who pointed a pistol at her
head.
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"'Tell me where the money is hid,' he hissed, 'or I'll fire.'
"'Never,' she answered determinedly. 'Villain, do your worst.'
"'I will,' snarled the scoundrel, baffled but not beaten. 'Tell me
instantly where that money is hid, or I'll drop this big woolly
caterpillar down your neck.'
"Two minutes later that darned burglar crept out of the house with my
hard-earned money. I tell you, Jones, he was a genius."