My wife, in sympathy, recommended her to one of her dearest friends.
That sympathy was beautiful to see.
A little later Bridget came back and announced that the friend had
engaged her.
"So the lady engaged you, at once, when you told her you had been with
me," says she.
"Oh, yes!" says Bridget. "She said any one who could stay with you
three months, must be an angel."
Say, I picked up a newspaper this morning, and I was astonished at the
great events that are taking place.
I see that George Washington, colored, was appointed postmaster of the
town of Gooseberry, N. C., at 9:15 yesterday morning, took up his
situation at 9:30, and was lynched at 9:45.
I see that Mark Hanna has donated two millions to be spent in buying
ice-cream and ginger snaps for the w-o-r-k-i-n-g-m-a-n.
[Illustration]
I had a terrible dream about Mark, last night. It was so terrible that I
got right up and dedicated a song to it.
It's entitled:
"What Did I Have For Supper; or, If I Knew What It Was I'd Eat It
Again."
A low key, professor. Not a latchkey.
[Illustration]
I dreamt I dwelt in marble halls,
And lived in regal state;
That aldermanic feasts were mine,
Served up in Rogers' plate.
I dreamt I once met dear old Ted,
And shook him by the hand;
He said he'd make the niggers
The first men in the land.
I dreamt I saw Mark Hanna
In the Presidential chair;
He had J. P. Morgan seated
Right beside him there.
I dreamt I saw coal king Baer
Stand out upon the street,
Giving tons of coal to all
Within a hundred feet.
I dreamt I saw good Russell Sage
Give millions by the score,
To every poor man in the land,
And some came back for more.
I dreamt that all the Vanderbilts
Had reduced the railroad fare,
And were giving round-trip tickets
To almost everywhere.
I dreamt I had a fortune left
By dear old Harold Payne;
A hundred thousand down, or so,
The lawyers did explain.
I dreamt the Senate quickly passed
The anti-combine laws;
And sent the trusts all limping off
With dislocated jaws.
I dreamt that William Jennings Bryan
Was eventually elected;
They couldn't tell by just what means,
But Dave Hill was suspected.
I dreamt I saw shrewd Tommy Platt
Give doughnuts to the poor,
And when they wouldn't take them
He threw them down the sewer.
I dreamt our friends at Congress
Were running ten-round bouts;
That McLaurin went on with Tillman,
And scored some clean knockouts.
I dreamt there was no grafting,
That politics were clean;
But then, you bet, I just woke up,
I knew that was a dream.
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Verily, verily, Republics and friends are ungrateful.
Do you know, all the gentlemen I mentioned in that song I just sang are
my friends?
Talking of friends, puts me in mind of an ungrateful cuss I once called
by this over-worked figure of speech.
He met me on the street, slapped me on the back, and said:
"Hello, old man!"
"Hello!" says I, "what do you want?"
"What do I want?" says he. "I want ten dollars."
"That's an awful large sum of money, and I'm afraid I haven't got it to
lend," says I.
"You've got it in the bank?" says he.
"Yes," says I.
"Now, look here," says he. "The Good Book teaches us that we are all
brothers."
"Granted," says I.
"Well," says he, "if I am your brother, by moral right what's yours is
mine, and what's mine is yours. If I had the money I'd give it to you so
quick it would take your breath away. Now, what you ought to do is to
draw that money from the bank."
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