NEW LORDS, NEW LAWS—GYRATION, ROTATION, AND ANOTHER NATION; ALSO AN
INVITATION.
I felt that my situation had now become exceedingly peculiar. It is
true that my modesty had been unexpectedly spared, by the very
ingenious turn Dr. Reasono had given to the history of our connection
with each other; but I could not see that I had gained any other
advantage by the expedient. All my own species had, in a sense, cut me;
and I was obliged to turn despondingly, and not without humiliation,
towards the inn, where the banquet ordered by Mr. Poke waited our
appearance.
I had reached the great square, when a tap on the knee drew my
attention to one at my side. The applicant for notice was a monikin,
who had all the physical peculiarities of a subject of Leaphigh, and
yet, who was to be distinguished from most of the inhabitants of that
country, by a longer and less cultivated nap to his natural garment,
greater shrewdness about the expression of the eyes and the mouth, a
general air of business, and, for a novelty, a bob-cauda. He was
accompanied by positively the least well-favored being of the species I
had yet seen. I was addressed by the former.
“Good morning, Sir John Goldencalf,” he commenced, with a sort of jerk,
that I afterwards learned was meant for a diplomatic salutation; “you
have not met with the very best treatment to-day, and I have been
waiting for a good opportunity to make my condolences, and to offer my
services.”
“Sir, you are only too good. I do feel a little wronged, and, I must
say, sympathy is most grateful to my feelings. You will, however, allow
me to express my surprise at your being acquainted with my real name,
as well as with my misfortunes?”
“Why, sir, to own the truth, I belong to an examining people. The
population is very much scattered in my country, and we have fallen
into a practice of inquiry that is very natural to such a state of
things. I think you must have observed that in passing along a common
highway, you rarely meet another without a nod; while thousands are met
in a crowded street without even a glance of the eye. We develop this
principle, sir; and never let any fact escape us for the want of a
laudable curiosity.”
“You are not a subject of Leaphigh, then?”
“God forbid! No, sir, I am a citizen of Leaplow, a great and a glorious
republic that lies three days’ sail from this island; a new nation,
which is in the enjoyment of all the advantages of youth and vigor, and
which is a perfect miracle for the boldness of its conceptions, the
purity of its institutions, and its sacred respect for the rights of
monikins. I have the honor to be, moreover, the envoy-extraordinary and
minister-plenipotentiary of the republic to the king of Leaphigh, a
nation from which we originally sprung, but which we have left far
behind us in the race of glory and usefulness. I ought to acquaint you
with my name, sir, in return for the advantage I possess on this head,
in relation to yourself.”
Hereupon my new acquaintance put into my hand one of his
visiting-cards, which contained as follows:—
General-Commodore-Judge-Colonel PEOPLE’S FRIEND:
Envoy-Extraordinary and Minister-Plenipotentiary from the Republic of
Leaplow, near his Majesty the King of Leaphigh.
“Sir,” said I, pulling off my hat with a profound reverence, “I was not
aware to whom I had the honor of speaking. You appear to fill a variety
of employments, and I make no doubt, with equal skill.”
“Yes, sir, I believe I am about as good at one of my professions as at
another.”
“You will permit me to observe, however, General—a—a Judge—a—a—I
scarcely know, dear sir, which of these titles is the most to your
taste?”
“Use which you please, sir—I began with General, but had got as low as
Colonel before I left home. People’s Friend is the only appellation of
which I am at all tenacious. Call me People’s Friend, sir, and you may
call me anything else you find most convenient.”
“Sir, you are only too obliging. May I venture to ask if you have
really, propria persona, filled all these different stations in life?”
“Certainly, sir—I hope you do not mistake me for an impostor!”
“As far from it as possible.—But a judge and a commodore, for instance,
are characters whose duties are so utterly at variance in human
affairs, that I will allow I find the conjunction, even in a monikin, a
little extraordinary.”
“Not at all, sir. I was duly elected to each, served my time out in
them all, and have honorable discharges to show in every instance.”
“You must have found some perplexity in the performance of duties so
very different?”
“Ah—I see you have been long enough in Leaphigh to imbibe some of its
prejudices! It is a sad country for prejudice. I got my foot mired in
some of them myself, as soon as it touched the land. Why sir, my card
is an illustration of what we call, in Leaplow, rotation in office.”
“Rotation in office!”
“Yes, sir, rotation in office; a system that we invented for our
personal convenience, and which is likely to be firm, as it depends on
principles that are eternal.”
“Will you suffer me to inquire, colonel, if it has any affinity to the
social-stake system?”
“Not in the least. That, as I understand it, is a stationary, while
this is a rotatory system. Nothing is simpler. We have in Leaplow two
enormous boxes made in the form of wheels. Into one we put the names of
the citizens, and into the other the names of the offices. We then draw
forth, in the manner of a lottery, and the thing is settled for a
twelvemonth.”
“I find this rotatory plan exceedingly simple—pray, sir, does it work
as well as it promises?”
“To perfection.—We grease the wheels, of course, periodically.”
“And are not frauds sometimes committed by those who are selected to
draw the tickets?”
“Oh! they are chosen precisely in the same way.”
“But those who draw THEIR tickets?”
“All rotatory—they are drawn exactly on the same principle.”
“But there must be a beginning. Those, again, who draw THEIR
tickets—they may betray their trusts?”
“Impossible—THEY are always the most patriotic patriots of the land!
No, no, sir—we are not such dunces as to leave anything to corruption.
Chance does it all. Chance makes me a commodore to-day—a judge
to-morrow. Chance makes the lottery boys, and chance makes the
patriots. It is necessary to see in order to understand how much purer
and useful is your chance patriot, for instance, than one that is bred
to the calling.”
“Why, this savors, after all, of the doctrine of descents, which is
little more than matter of chance.”
“It would be so, sir, I confess, were it not that our chances centre in
a system of patriots. Our approved patriots are our guarantees against
abuses—”
“Hem!”—interrupted the companion of Commodore People’s Friend, with an
awkward distinctness, as if to recall himself to our recollection.
“Sir John, I crave pardon for great remissness—allow me to present my
fellow-citizen, Brigadier Downright, a gentleman who is on his travels,
like yourself; and as excellent a fellow as is to be found in the whole
monikin region.”
“Brigadier Downright, I crave the honor of your acquaintance.—But,
gentlemen, I too have been sadly negligent of politeness. A banquet
that has cost a hundred promises is waiting my appearance; and, as some
of the expected guests are unavoidably absent, if you would favor me
with your excellent society, we might spend an agreeable hour, in the
further discussion of these important interests.”
As neither of the strangers made the smallest objection to the
proposal, we were all soon comfortably situated at the dinner-table.
The commodore, who, it would seem, was habitually well fed, merely paid
a little complimentary attention to the banquet; but Mr. Downright
attacked it tooth and nail, and I had no great reason to regret the
absence of Mr. Poke. In the meantime, the conversation did not flag.
“I think I understand the outline of your system, Judge People’s
Friend,” I resumed, “with the exception of the part that relates to the
patriots. Would it be asking too much to request a little explanation
on that particular point?”
“Not in the least, sir. Our social arrangement is founded on a hint
from nature; a base, as you will concede, that is broad enough to
sustain a universe. As a people, we are a hive that formerly swarmed
from Leaphigh; and finding ourselves free and independent, we set about
forthwith building the social system on not only a sure foundation, but
on sure principles. Observing that nature dealt in duplicates, we
pursued the hint, as the leading idea—”
“In duplicates, commodore!”
“Certainly, Sir John—a monikin has two eyes two ears, two nostrils, two
lungs, two arms, two hands, two legs, two feet, and so on to the end of
the chapter. On this hint, we ordered that there should be drawn,
morally, in every district of Leaplow, two distinct and separate lines,
that should run at right angles to each other. These were termed the
‘political landmarks’ of the country; and it was expected that every
citizen should range himself along one or the other. All this you will
understand, however, was a moral contrivance, not a physical one.”
“Is the obligation of this moral contrivance imperative?”
“Not legally, it is true; but then, he who does not respect it is like
one who is out of fashion, and he is so generally esteemed a poor
devil, that the usage has a good deal more than the force of a law. At
first, it was intended to make it a part of the constitution; but one
of our most experienced statesmen so clearly demonstrated that, by so
doing, we should not only weaken the nature of the obligation, but most
probably raise a party against it, that the idea was abandoned. Indeed,
if anything, both the letter and the spirit of the fundamental law have
been made to lean a little against the practice; but having been
cleverly introduced, in the way of construction, it is now bone of our
bone, and flesh of our flesh. Well, sir, these two great political
landmarks being fairly drawn, the first effort of one who aspires to be
thought a patriot is to acquire the practice of ‘toeing the mark’
promptly and with facility. But should I illustrate my positions by a
few experiments, you might comprehend the subject all the better.—For
though, in fact, the true evolutions are purely moral, as I have just
had the honor to explain, yet we have instituted a physical parallel
that is very congenial to our habits, with which the neophyte always
commences.”
Here the commodore took a bit of chalk and drew two very distinct
lines, crossing each other at right angles, through the centre of the
room. When this was done, he placed his feet together, and then he
invited me to examine if it were possible to see any part of the planks
between the extremities of his toes and the lines. After a rigid look,
I was compelled to confess it was not.
“This is what we call ‘toeing the mark’; it is social position, No. 1.
Almost every citizen gets to be expert in practising it, on one or the
other of the two great political lines. After this, he who would push
his fortunes further, commences his career on the great rotatory
principle.”
“Your pardon, commodore, we call the word rotary, in English.”
“Sir, it is not expressive enough for our meaning; and therefore we
term it ‘rotatory.’ I shall now give you an example of position No. 2.”
Here the commodore made a spring, throwing his body, as a soldier would
express it, to the “right about,” bringing, at the same time, his feet
entirely on the other side of the line; always rigidly toeing the mark.
“Sir,” said I, “this was extremely well done; but is this evolution as
useful as certainly it is dexterous?”
“It has the advantage of changing front, Sir John; a manoeuvre quite as
useful in politics as in war. Most all in the line get to practise
this, too, as my friend Downright, there, could show you, were he so
disposed.”
“I don’t like to expose my flanks, or my rear, more than another,”
growled the brigadier.
“If agreeable, I will now show you gyration 2d, or position No. 3.”
On my expressing a strong desire to see it, the commodore put himself
again in position No. 1; and then he threw what Captain Poke was in the
habit of calling a “flap-jack,” or a summerset; coming down in a way
tenaciously to toe the mark.
I was much gratified with the dexterity of the commodore, and frankly
expressed as much; inquiring, at the same time, if many attained to the
same skill. Both the commodore and the brigadier laughed at the
simplicity of the question; the former answering that the people of
Leaplow were exceedingly active and adventurous, and both lines had got
to be so expert, that, at the word of command, they would throw their
summersets in as exact time, and quite as promptly, as a regiment of
guards would go through the evolution of slapping their
cartridge-boxes.
“What, sir,” I exclaimed, in admiration, “the entire population!”
“Virtually, sir. There is, now and then, a stumbler; but he is
instantly kicked out of sight, and uniformly counts for nothing.”
“But as yet, commodore, your evolutions are altogether too general to
admit of the chance selection of patriots, since patriotism is usually
a monopoly.”
“Very true, Sir John; I shall therefore come to the main point without
delay. Thus far, it is pretty much an affair of the whole population,
as you say; few refusing to toe the mark, or to throw the necessary
flap-jacks, as you have ingeniously termed them. The lines, as you may
perceive, cross each other at right angles; and there is consequently
some crowding, and occasionally, a good deal of jostling, at and near
the point of junction. We begin to term a monikin a patriot when he can
perform this evolution.”
Here the commodore threw his heels into the air with such rapidity that
I could not very well tell what he was about, though it was
sufficiently apparent that he was acting entirely on the rotatory
principle. I observed that he alighted, with singular accuracy, on the
very spot where he had stood before, toeing the mark with beautiful
precision.
“That is what we call gyration 3d, or position No. 4. He who can
execute it is considered an adept in our politics; and he invariably
takes his position near the enemy, or at the junction of the hostile
lines.”
“How, sir, are these lines, then, manned as they are with citizens of
the same country, deemed hostile?”
“Are cats and dogs hostile, sir?—Certainly. Although standing, as it
might be, face to face, acting on precisely the same principle, or the
rotatory impulse, and professing to have exactly the same object in
view, viz., the common good, they are social, political, and I might
almost say, the moral antipodes of each other. They rarely intermarry,
never extol, and frequently refuse to speak to one another. In short,
as the brigadier could tell you, if he were so disposed, they are
antagonist, body and soul. To be plain, sir, they are enemies.”
“This is very extraordinary for fellow-citizens!”
“’Tis the monikin nature,” observed Mr. Downright; “no doubt, sir, men
are much wiser?”
As I did not wish to divert the discourse from the present topic, I
merely bowed to this remark, and begged the judge to proceed.
“Well, sir,” continued the latter, “you can easily imagine that they
who are placed near the point where the two lines meet, have no
sinecures. To speak the truth, they blackguard each other with all
their abilities, he who manifests the most inventive genius in this
high accomplishment, being commonly thought the cleverest fellow. Now,
sir, none but a patriot could, in the nature of things, endure this
without some other motive than his country’s good, and so we esteem
them.”
“But the most patriotic patriots, commodore?”
The minister of Leaphigh now toed the mark again, placing himself
within a few feet of the point of junction between the two lines, and
then he begged me to pay particular attention to his evolution. When
all was ready, the commodore threw himself, as it were, invisibly into
the air, again head over heels, so far as I could discover, and
alighted on the antagonist line, toeing the mark with a most
astonishing particularity. It was a clever gyration, beyond a doubt;
and the performer looked towards me, as if inviting commendation.
“Admirably executed, judge, and in a way to induce one to believe that
you must have paid great attention to the practice.”
“I have performed this manoeuvre, Sir John, five times in real life;
and my claim to be a patriotic patriot is founded on its invariable
success. A single false step might have ruined me; but as you say,
practice makes perfect, and perfection is the parent of success.”
“And yet I do not rightly understand how so sudden a desertion of one’s
own side, to go over in this active manner head over heels, I may say,
to another side, constitutes a fair claim to be deemed so pure a
character as that of a patriot.”
“What, sir, is not he who throws himself defencelessly into the very
middle of the ranks of the enemy, the hero of the combat? Now, as this
is a political struggle, and not a warlike struggle, but one in which
the good of the country is alone uppermost, the monikin who thus
manifests the greatest devotion to the cause, must be the purest
patriot. I give you my honor, sir, all my own claims are founded
entirely on this particular merit.”
“He is right, Sir John; you may believe every word he says,” observed
the brigadier, nodding.
“I begin to understand your system, which is certainly well adapted to
the monikin habits, and must give rise to a noble emulation in the
practice of the rotatory principle. But I understood you to say,
colonel, that the people of Leaplow are from the hive of Leaphigh?”
“Just so, sir.”
“How happens it, then, that you dock yourselves of the nobler member,
while the inhabitants of this country cherish it as the apple of the
eye—nay, as the seat of reason itself?”
“You allude to our tails?—Why, sir, nature has dealt out these
ornaments with a very unequal hand, as you may perceive on looking out
of the window. We agree that the tail is the seat of reason, and that
the extremities are the most intellectual parts; but, as governments
are framed to equalize these natural inequalities, we denounce them as
anti-republican. The law requires, therefore, that every citizen, on
attaining his majority, shall be docked agreeably to a standard measure
that is kept in each district. Without some such expedient, there might
be an aristocracy of intellect among us, and there would be an end of
our liberties. This is the qualification of a voter, too, and of course
we all seek to obtain it.”
Here the brigadier leaned across the table and whispered that a great
patriot, on a most trying occasion, had succeeded in throwing a
summerset out of his own into the antagonist line, and that, as he
carried with him all the sacred principles for which his party had been
furiously contending for many years, he had been unceremoniously
dragged back by his tail, which unfortunately came within reach of
those quondam friends on whom he had turned his back; and that the law
had, in truth, been passed in the interests of the patriots. He added,
that the lawful measure allowed a longer stump than was commonly used;
but that it was considered underbred for any one to wear a dock that
reached more than two inches and three quarters of an inch into
society, and that most of their political aspirants, in particular,
chose to limit themselves to one inch and one quarter of an inch, as a
proof of excessive humility.
Thanking Mr. Downright for his clear and sensible explanation, the
conversation was resumed.
“I had thought, as your institutions are founded on reason and nature,
judge,” I continued, “that you would be more disposed ta cultivate this
member than to mutilate it; and this the more especially, as I
understand all monikins believe it to be the very quintessence of
reason.”
“No doubt, sir; we do cultivate our tails, but it is on the vegetable
principle, or as the skilful gardener lops the branch that it may throw
out more vigorous shoots. It is true, we do not expect to see the tail
itself sprouting out anew; but then we look to the increase of its
reason, and to its more general diffusion in society. The extremities
of our cauda, as fast as they are lopped, are sent to a great
intellectual mill, where the mind is extracted from the matter, and the
former is sold, on public account, to the editors of the daily
journals. This is the reason our Leaplow journalists are so
distinguished for their ingenuity and capacity, and the reason, too,
why they so faithfully represent the average of the Leaplow knowledge.”
“And honesty, you ought to add,” growled the brigadier.
“I see the beauty of the system, judge, and very beautiful it is! This
essence of lopped tails represents the average of Leaplow brains, being
a compound of all the tails in the country; and, as a daily journal is
addressed to the average intellect of the community, there is a
singular fitness between the readers and the readees. To complete my
stock of information on this head, however, will you just allow me to
inquire what is the effect of this system on the totality of Leaplow
intelligence?”
“Wonderful! As we are a commonwealth, it is necessary to have a unity
of sentiment on all leading matters, and by thus compounding all the
extremes of our reasons we get what is called ‘public opinion’; which
public opinion is uttered through the public journals—”
“And a most patriotic patriot is always chosen to be the inspector of
the mill,” interrupted the brigadier.
“Better and better! you send all the finer parts of your several
intellects to be ground up and kneaded together; the compound is sold
to the journalists, who utter it anew, as the results of the united
wisdom of the country—”
“Or, as public opinion. We make great account of reason in all our
affairs, invariably calling ourselves the most enlightened nation on
earth; but then we are especially averse to anything like an insulated
effort of the mind, which is offensive, anti-republican, aristocratic
and dangerous. We put all our trust in this representation of brains,
which is singularly in accordance with the fundamental base of our
society, as you must perceive.”
“We are a commercial people, too,” put in the brigadier; “and being
much accustomed to the laws of insurance, we like to deal in averages.”
“Very true, brother Downright, very true; we are particularly averse to
anything like inequality. Ods zooks! it is almost as great an offence
for a monikin to know more than his neighbors, as it is for him to act
on his own impulses. No—no—we are truly a free and an independent
commonwealth, and we hold every citizen as amenable to public opinion,
in all he does, says, thinks, or wishes.”
“Pray, sir, do both of the two great political lines send their tails
to the same mills, and respect the same general sentiments?”
“No, sir; we have two public opinions in Leaplow.”
“TWO public opinions!”
“Certainly, sir; the horizontal and the perpendicular.”
“This infers a most extraordinary fertility of thought, and one that I
hold to be almost impossible!”
Here the commodore and the brigadier incontinently both laughed as hard
as they could; and that, too, directly in my face.
“Dear me, Sir John—why, my dear Sir John! you are really the drollest
creature!”—gasped the judge, holding his sides—“the very funniest
question I have ev—ev—ever encountered!” He now stopped to wipe his
eyes; after which he was better able to express himself. “The same
public opinion, forsooth!—Dear me—dear me, that I should not have made
myself understood!—I commenced, my good Sir John, by telling you that
we deal in duplicates, on a hint from nature; and that we act on the
rotatory principle. In obedience to the first, we have always two
public opinions; and, although the great political landmarks are drawn
in what may be called a stationary sense, they, too, are in truth
rotatory. One, which is thought to lie parallel to the fundamental law,
or the constitutional meridian of the country, is termed the
horizontal, and the other the perpendicular line. Now, as nothing is
really stationary in Leaplow, these two great landmarks are always
acting, likewise, on the rotatory principle, changing places
periodically; the perpendicular becoming the horizontal, and vice
versa; they who toe their respective marks, necessarily taking new
views of things as they vary the line of sight. These great revolutions
are, however, very slow, and are quite as imperceptible to those who
accompany them, as are the revolutions of our planet to its
inhabitants.”
“And the gyrations of the patriots, of which the judge has just now
spoken,” added the brigadier, “are much the same as the eccentric
movements of the comets that embellish the solar system, without
deranging it by their uncertain courses.”
“No, sir, we should be poorly off, indeed, if we had but ONE public
opinion,” resumed the judge. “Ecod, I do not know what would become of
the most patriotic patriots in such a dilemma!”
“Pray, sir, let me ask, as you draw for places, if you have as many
places as there are citizens?”
“Certainly, sir. Our places are divided, firstly, into the two great
subdivisions of the ‘inner’ and the ‘outer.’ Those who toe the mark on
the most popular line occupy the former, and those who toe the mark on
the least popular line take all the rest, as a matter of course. The
first, however, it is necessary to explain, are the only places worth
having. As great care is had to keep the community pretty nearly
equally divided—”
“Excuse the interruption—but in what manner is this effected?”
“Why, as only a certain number can toe the mark, we count all those who
are not successful in getting up to the line, as outcasts; and, after
fruitlessly hanging about our skirts for a time, they invariably go
over to the other line; since it is better to be first in a village
than second in Rome. We thus keep up something like an equilibrium in
the state, which, as you must know, is necessary to liberty. The
minority take the outer places, and all the inner are left to the
majority. Then comes another subdivision of the places; that is to say,
one division is formed of the honorary, and another of the profitable
places. The honorary, or about nine-tenths of all the inner places, are
divided, with great impartiality, among the mass of those who have toed
the mark on the strongest side, and who usually are satisfied with the
glory of the victory. The names of the remainder are put into the
wheels to be drawn for against the prizes, on the rotatory principle.”
“And the patriots, sir;—are they included in this chance medley?”
“Far from it. As a reward for their dangers, they have a little wheel
to themselves, although they, also, are compelled to submit to the
rotatory principle. Their cases differ from those of the others, merely
in the fact that they always get something.”
I would gladly have pursued the conversation, which was opening a flood
of light upon my political understanding; but just then, a fellow with
the air of a footman entered, carrying a packet tied to the end of his
cauda. Turning round, he presented his burden, with profound respect,
and withdrew. I found that the packet contained three notes with the
following addresses:
“To His Royal Highness Bob, Prince of Wales, etc., etc., etc.”
“To My Lord High Admiral Poke, etc., etc., etc.”
“To Master Goldencalf, Clerk, etc., etc., etc.”
Apologizing to my guests, the seal of my own note was eagerly opened.
It read as follows:
“The Right Honorable the Earl of Chatterino, lord of the bed-chamber in
waiting on his majesty, informs Master John Goldencalf, clerk, that he
is commanded to attend the drawing-room, this evening, when the nuptial
ceremony will take place between the Earl of Chatterino and the Lady
Chatterissa, the first maid of honor to Her Majesty the Queen.
“N. B. The gentlemen will appear full dress.”
On explaining the contents of my note to the judge, he informed me that
he was aware of the approaching ceremony, as he had also an invitation
to be present, in his official character. I begged, as a particular
favor, England having no representative at Leaphigh, that he would do
me the honor to present me, in his capacity of a foreign minister. The
envoy made no sort of objection, and I inquired as to the costume
necessary to be observed; as, so far as I had seen, it was
good-breeding at Leaphigh to go naked. The envoy had the goodness to
explain, that, although, in point of mere attire, clothing was
extremely offensive to the people of both Leaphigh and Leaplow, yet, in
the former country, no one could present himself at court, foreign
ministers excepted, without a cauda. As soon as we understood each
other on these points, we separated, with an understanding that I was
to be in readiness (together with my companions, of whose interest I
had not been forgetful) to attend the envoy and the brigadier, when
they should call for me, at an hour that was named.