A COURT, A COURT-DRESS, AND A COURTIER—JUSTICE IN VARIOUS ASPECTS, AS
WELL AS HONOR.
My guests were no sooner gone, than I sent for the landlady, to inquire
if any court-dresses were to be had in the neighborhood. She told me
plenty might certainly be had, that were suited to the monikin
dimensions, but she much doubted whether there was a tail in all
Leaphigh, natural or artificial, that was at all fit for a person of my
stature. This was vexatious; and I was in a brown study, calling up all
my resources for the occasion, when Mr. Poke entered the inn, carrying
in his hand two as formidable ox-tails as I remember ever to have seen.
Throwing one towards me, he said the lord high admiral of Leaphigh had
acquainted him that there was an invitation out for the prince and
himself, as well as for the governor of the former, to be present at
court within an hour. He had hurried off from what he called a very
good dinner, considering there was nothing solid (the captain was
particularly fond of pickled pork), to let me know the honor that was
intended us; and on the way home, he had fallen in with Dr. Reasono,
who, on being acquainted with his errand, had not failed to point out
the necessity of the whole party coming en habit de cour. Here was a
dilemma, with a vengeance; for the first idea that struck the captain
was, “the utter impossibility of finding anything in this way, in all
Leaphigh, befitting a lord high admiral of his length of keel; for, as
to going in an ordinary monikin queue, why, he should look like a
three-decked ship, with a brig’s spar stepped for a lower mast!” Dr.
Reasono, however, had kindly removed the embarrassment, by conducting
him to the cabinet of natural history, where three suitable appendages
had been found, viz., two fine relics of oxen, [Footnote: Cauda
Bovum.—BUF.] and another, a capital specimen, that had formerly been
the mental lever, or, as the captain expressed it, “the steering oar”
of a kangaroo. The latter had been sent off, express, with a kind
consideration for the honor of Great Britain, to Prince Bob, who was at
a villa of one of the royal family, in the neighborhood of Aggregation.
I was greatly indebted to Noah, for his dexterity in helping me to a
good fit with my court-dress. There was not time for much
particularity, for we were in momentary expectation of Judge People’s
Friend’s return. All we could do, therefore, was to make a belt of
canvas (the captain being always provided with needles, palm, etc., in
his bag), and to introduce the smaller end of the tail through a hole
in the belt, drawing its base tight up to the cloth, which, in its
turn, was stitched round our bodies. This was but an indifferent
substitute for the natural appendage, it is true; and the hide had got
to be so dry and unyielding, that it was impossible for the least
observant person to imagine there was a particle of brains in it. The
arrangement had also another disadvantage. The cauda stuck out nearly
at right angles with the position of the body, and besides occupying
much more space than would probably be permitted in the royal presence,
“it gave any jackanapes,” as Noah observed, “the great advantage over
us, of making us yaw at pleasure, since he might use the outriggers as
levers.” But a seaman is inexhaustible in expedients. Two “back-stays,”
or “bob-stays” (for the captain facetiously gave them both
appellations) were soon “turned in,” and the tails were “stayed in, in
a way to bring them as upright as trysail masts”; to which spars,
indeed, according to Noah’s account of the matter, they bore no small
resemblance.
The envoy-extraordinary of Leaplow, accompanied by his friend,
Brigadier Downright, arrived just as we were dressed; and a most
extraordinary figure the former cut, if truth must be said. Although
obliged to be docked, according to the Leaplow law, to six inches, and
brought down to a real bob, by both the public opinions of his country,
for this was one of the few points on which these antagonist sentiments
were perfectly agreed, he now appeared in just the largest brush I
remember to have seen appended to a monikin! I felt a strong
inclination to joke the rotatory republican on this coquetry; but then
I remembered how sweet any stolen indulgence becomes; and, for the life
of me, I could not give utterance to a bon-mot. The elegance of the
minister was rendered the more conspicuous by the simplicity of the
brigadier, who had contrived to moustache his dock, a very short one at
the best, in such a manner as to render it nearly invisible. On my
expressing a doubt to Mr. Downright about his being admitted in such a
costume, he snapped his fingers, and gave me to understand he knew
better. He appeared as a brigadier of Leaplow (I found afterwards that
he was in truth no soldier, but that it was a fashion among his
countrymen to travel under the title of brigadier), and this was his
uniform; and he should like to see the chamberlain who would presume to
call in question the state of his wardrobe! As it was no affair of
mine, I prudently dropped the subject, and we were soon in the court of
the palace.
I shall pass over the parade of guards, the state bands, the
sergeant-trumpeters, the crowd of footmen and pages, and conduct the
reader at once to the ante-chamber. Here we found the usual throng
composed of those who live in the smiles of princes. There was a great
deal of politeness, much bowing and curtseying, and the customary
amount of genteel empressement to be the first to bask in the sunshine
of royalty. Judge People’s Friend, in his character of a foreign
minister, was privileged; and we had enjoyed the private entree, and
were now, of right, placed nearest to the great doors of the royal
apartments. Most of the diplomatic corps were already in attendance,
and, quite as a matter of course, there were a great many cordial
manifestations, of the ardent attachment that bound them and their
masters together, in the inviolable bonds of a most sacred amity. Judge
People’s Friend, according to his own account of the matter,
represented a great nation—a very great nation—and yet I did not
perceive that he met with a warm—a very warm—reception. However, as he
seemed satisfied with himself, and all around him, it would have been
unkind, not to say rude, in a stranger to disturb his self-esteem; and
I took especial care, therefore, not to betray, by the slightest hint,
my opinion that a good many near his person seemed to think him and his
artificial queue somewhat in the way. The courtiers of Leaphigh, in
particular, who are an exceedingly exclusive and fastidious corps,
appeared to regard the privileges of the judge with an evil eye; and
one or two of them actually held their noses as he flourished his brush
a little too near their sacred faces, as if they found its odor out of
fashion. While making these silent observations, a page cried out from
the lower part of the saloon, “Room for His Royal Highness the Crown
Prince of Great Britain!” The crowd opened, and that young blackguard
Bob walked up the avenue, in state. He wore the turnspit garment as the
base of his toilet; but the superstructure was altogether more in
keeping with the rascal’s assumed character. The union-jack was thrown
over his shoulder in the fashion of a mantle, and it was supported by
the cook and steward of the Walrus (two blacks), both clothed as
alligators. The kangaroo’s tail was rigged in a way to excite audible
evidences of envy in the heart of Mr. Poke. The stepping of it, the
captain whispered, “did the young dog great credit, for it looked as
natural as the best wig he had ever seen; and then, in addition to the
bob-stay, it had two guys, which acted like the yoke-lines of a boat,
or in such a way, that by holding one in each hand, the brush could be
worked ‘starboard and larboard’ like a rudder.” I have taken this
description mainly from the mouth of the captain, and most sincerely do
I hope it may be intelligible to the reader.
Bob appeared to be conscious of his advantages; for, on reaching the
upper end of the room, he began whisking his tail, and flourishing it
to the right and left, so as to excite a very perceptible and lively
admiration in the mind of Judge People’s Friend—an effect that so much
the more proved the wearer’s address, for that high functionary was
bound ex officio to entertain a sovereign contempt for all courtly
vanities. I saw the eye of the captain kindle, however, and when the
insolent young coxcomb actually had the temerity to turn his back on
his master, and to work his brush under his very nose, human nature
could endure no more. The right leg of my lord high admiral slowly
retired, with somewhat of the caution of the cat about to spring, and
then it was projected forward, with a rapidity that absolutely lifted
the crown prince from the floor.
The royal self-possession of Bob could not prevent an exclamation of
pain, as well as of surprise, and some of the courtiers ran forward
involuntarily to aid him—for courtiers always ran involuntarily to the
succor of princes. At least a dozen of the ladies offered their
smelling-bottles, with the most amiable assiduity and concern. To
prevent any disagreeable consequences, however, I hastened to acquaint
the crowd that in Great Britain, it is the usage to cuff and kick the
whole royal family; and that, in short, it is no more than the
customary tribute of the subject to the prince. In proof of what I
said, I took good care to give the saucy young scoundrel a touch of my
own homage. The monikins, who know that different customs prevail in
different nations, hastened to compliment the young scion of royalty in
the same manner; and both the cook and steward relieved their ennui by
falling into the track of imitation. Bob could not stand the last
applications; and he was about to beat a retreat, when the master of
ceremonies appeared, to conduct him to the royal presence.
The reader is not to be misled by the honors that were paid to the
imaginary crown prince, and to suppose that the court of Leaphigh
entertained any peculiar respect for that of Great Britain. It was
merely done on the principle that governed the conduct of our own
learned sovereign, King James I., when he refused to see the amiable
Pocahontas of Virginia, because she had degraded royalty by
intermarrying with a subject. The respect was paid to the caste, and
not to the individual, to his species, or to his nation.
Let his privileges come from what cause they would, Bob was glad enough
to get out of the presence of Captain Poke—who had already pretty
plainly threatened, in the Stunin’tun dialect, to unship his cauda—into
that of the majesty of Leaphigh. A few minutes afterwards, the doors
were thrown open, and the whole company advanced into the royal
apartments.
The etiquette of the court of Leaphigh differs in many essential
particulars from the etiquette of any other court in the monikin
region. Neither the king, nor his royal consort, is ever visible to any
one in the country, so far as is vulgarly known. On the present
occasion, two thrones were placed at opposite extremities of the salon,
and a magnificent crimson damask curtain was so closely drawn before
each, that it was quite impossible to see who occupied it. On the
lowest step there stood a chamberlain or a lady of the bed-chamber,
who, severally, made all the speeches, and otherwise enacted the parts
of the illustrious couple. The reader will understand, therefore, that
all which is here attributed to either of these great personages, was
in fact performed by one or the other of the substitutes named, and
that I never had the honor of actually standing face to face with their
majesties. Everything that is now about to be related, in short, was
actually done by deputy, on the part of the monarch and his wife.
The king himself merely represents a sentiment, all the power belonging
to his eldest first cousin of the masculine gender, and any intercourse
with him is entirely of a disinterested or of a sentimental character.
He is the head of the church—after a very secular fashion, however;—all
the bishops and clergy therefore got down on their knees and said their
prayers; though the captain suggested that it might be their
catechisms; I never knew which. I observed, also, that all his law
officers did the same thing; but as THEY never pray, and do not know
their catechisms, I presume the genuflections were to beg something
better than the places they actually filled. After this, came a long
train of military and naval officers, who, soldier-like, kissed his
paw. The civilians next had a chance, and then it was our turn to be
presented.
“I have the honor to present the lord high admiral of Great Britain to
your majesty,” said Judge People’s Friend, who had waived his official
privilege of going first, in order to do us this favor in person; it
having been decided, on a review of all the principles that touched the
case, that nothing human could take precedence of a monikin at court,
always making the exception in favor of royalty, as in the case of
Prince Bob.
“I am happy to see you at my court, Admiral Poke,” the king politely
rejoined, manifesting the tact of high rank in recognizing Noah by his
family name, to the great surprise of the old sealer.
“King!”
“You were about to remark?—” most graciously inquired his majesty, a
little at a loss to understand what his visitor would be at.
“Why, I could not contain my astonishment at your memory, Mr. King,
which has enabled you to recall a name that you probably never before
heard!”
There was now a great, and to me, a very unaccountable confusion in the
circle. It would seem, that the captain had unwittingly trespassed on
two of the most important of the rules of etiquette, in very mortal
points. He had confessed to the admission of an emotion as vulgar as
that of astonishment in the royal presence, and he had intimated that
his majesty had a memory; a property of the mind which, as it might
prove dangerous to the liberties of Leaphigh, were it left in the
keeping of any but a responsible minister, it had long been decided it
was felony to impute to the king. By the fundamental law of the land,
the king’s eldest first-cousin of the masculine gender, may have as
many memories as he please, and he may use them, or abuse them, as he
shall see fit, either in private or in the public service; but it is
held to be utterly unconstitutional and unparliamentary, and, by
consequence, extremely underbred, to insinuate, even in the most remote
manner, that the king himself has either a memory, a will, a
determination, a resolution, a desire, a conceit, an intention, or, in
short, any other intellectual property, that of a “royal pleasure”
alone excepted. It is both constitutional and parliamentary to say the
king has a “royal pleasure” provided the context goes to prove that
this “royal pleasure” is entirely at the disposition of his eldest
first-cousin of the masculine gender.
When Mr. Poke was made acquainted with his mistake, he discovered a
proper contrition; and the final decision of the affair was postponed,
in order to have the opinion of the judges on the propriety of taking
bail, which I promptly offered to put in, in behalf of my old shipmate.
This disagreeable little interruption temporarily disposed of, the
business of the drawing-room went on.
Noah was next conducted to the queen, who was much inclined (always by
deputy) to overlook the little mistake into which he had fallen with
her royal consort, and to receive him graciously.
“May it please your majesty, I have the honor to present to your
majesty’s royal notice the Lord Noah Poke, the lord high admiral of a
distant and but little known country, called Great Britain,” said the
gold stick of the evening—Judge People’s Friend being afraid of
committing Leaplow, and declining to introduce the captain to any one
else.
“Lord Poke is a countryman of our royal cousin, the Prince Bob!”
observed the queen, in an exceedingly gracious manner.
“No, marm,” put in the sealer, promptly, “your cousin Bob is no cousin
of mine; and if it were lawful for your majesty to have a memory, or an
inclination, or anything else in that way, I should beg the favor of
you to order the young blackguard to be soundly threshed.”
The majesty of Leaphigh stood aghast, by proxy! It would seem Noah had
now actually fallen into a more serious error than the mistake he had
made with the king. By the law of Leaphigh, the queen is not a feme
couverte. She can sue and be sued in her own name, holds her separate
estate, without the intervention of trustees, and IS supposed to have a
memory, a will, an inclination, or anything else in that way, except a
“royal pleasure,” to which she cannot, of right, lay claim. As to her,
the king’s first-cousin is a dead letter; he having no more control
over her conscience than he has over the conscience of an apple-woman.
In short, her majesty is quite as much the mistress of her own
convictions and conscience as it probably ever falls to the lot of
women in such high stations to be the mistress of interests that are of
so much importance to those around them. Noah, innocently enough, I do
firmly believe, had seriously wounded all those nice sensibilities
which are naturally dependent on such an improved condition of society.
Forbearance could go no further, and I saw, by the dark looks around
me, that the captain had committed a serious crime. He was immediately
arrested, and conducted from the presence to an adjoining room, into
which I obtained admission, after a good deal of solicitation and some
very strong appeals to the sacred character of the rights of
hospitality.
It now appeared that, in Leaphigh, the merits of a law are decided on a
principle very similar to the one we employ in England in judging of
the quality of our wines, viz., its age. The older a law, the more it
is to be respected, no doubt because, having proved its fitness by
outlasting all the changes of society, it has become more mellow, if
not more palatable. Now, by a law of Leaphigh that is coeval with the
monarchy, he who offends the queen’s majesty at a levee is to lose his
head; and he who, under the same circumstances, offends the king’s
majesty, necessarily the more heinous offence, is to lose his tail. In
consequence of the former punishment, the criminal is invariably
buried, and he is consigned to the usual course of monikin regeneration
and resuscitation; but in consequence of the latter, it is thought that
he is completely thrown without the pale of reason, and is thereby
consigned to the class of the retrogressive animals. His mind
diminishes, and his body increases; the brain, for want of the means of
development, takes the ascending movement of sap again; his forehead
dilates; bumps reappear; and, finally, after passing gradually
downwards in the scale of intellect, he becomes a mass of insensible
matter. Such, at least, is the theory of his punishment.
By another law, that is even older than the monarchy, any one who
offends in the king’s palace may be tried by a very summary process,
the king’s pages acting as his judges; in which case the sentence is to
be executed without delay.
Such was the dilemma to which Noah, by an indiscretion at court, was
suddenly reduced; and, but for my prompt interference, he would
probably have been simultaneously decapitated at both extremities, in
obedience to an etiquette which prescribes that, under the
circumstances of a court trial, neither the king’s nor the queen’s
rights shall be entitled to precedence. In defence of my client I urged
his ignorance of the usages of the country, and, indeed, of all other
civilized countries, Stunnin’tun alone excepted. I stated that the
criminal was an object altogether unworthy of their notice; that he was
not a lord high admiral at all, but a mere pitiful sealer; I laid some
stress on the importance of maintaining friendly relations with the
sealers, who cruise so near the monikin region; I tried to convince the
judges that Noah meant no harm in imputing moral properties to the
king, and that so long as he did not impute immoral properties to his
royal consort, she might very well afford to pardon him. I then quoted
Shakspeare’s celebrated lines on mercy, which seemed to be well enough
received, and committed the whole affair to their better judgment.
I should have got along very creditably, and most probably obtained the
immediate discharge of my friend, had not the attorney-general of
Leaphigh been drawn by curiosity into the room. Although he had nothing
to say to the merits of my arguments, he objected to every one of them,
on the ground of formality. This was too long, and that was too short;
one was too high, and another too low; a fifth was too broad, and a
sixth too narrow; in short, there was no figure of speech of this
nature to which he did not resort, in order to prove their
worthlessness, with the exception that I do not remember he charged any
of my reasons with being too deep.
Matters were now beginning to look serious for poor Noah, when a page
came skipping in to say that the wedding was about to take place, and
that if his comrades wished to witness it, they must sentence the
prisoner without delay. Many a man, it is said, has been hanged, in
order that the judge might dine; but, in the present instance, I do
believe Captain Poke was spared, in order that his judges might not
miss a fine spectacle. I entered into recognizance, in fifty thousand
promises, for the due appearance of the criminal on the following
morning; and we all returned, in a body, to the presence-chamber,
treading on each other’s tails, in the eagerness to be foremost.
Any one who has ever been at a human court, must very well know that,
while it is the easiest thing in the world to throw it into commotion
by a violation of etiquette, matters of mere life and death are not at
all of a nature to disturb its tranquillity. There, everything is a
matter of routine and propriety; and, to judge from experience, nothing
is so unseemly as to appear to possess human sympathies. The fact is
not very different at Leaphigh, for the monikin sympathies, apparently,
are quite as obtuse as those of men; although justice compels me to
allow, that in the case of Captain Poke, the appeal was made in behalf
of a creature of a different species. It is also a settled principle of
Leaphigh jurisprudence, that it would be monstrous for the king to
interfere in behalf of justice-justice, however, being always
administered in his name; although it certainly is not held to be quite
so improper for him to interfere in behalf of those who have offended
justice.
As a consequence of these nice distinctions, which it requires a very
advanced stage of civilization fully to comprehend, both the king and
queen received our whole party, when we came back into the presence,
exactly as if nothing particular had occurred. Noah wore both head and
tail erect, like another; and the lord high admiral of Leaphigh dropped
into a familiar conversation with him, on the subject of ballasting
ships, in just as friendly a manner as if he were on the best possible
terms with the whole royal family. This moral sang froid is not to be
ascribed to phlegm, but is, in fact, the result of high mental
discipline, which causes the courtier to be utterly destitute of all
feeling, except in cases that affect himself.
It was high time now that I should be presented. Judge People’s Friend,
who had witnessed the dilemma of Noah with diplomatic unconcern, very
politely renewed the offer of his services in my favor, and I went
forward and stood before the throne.
“Sire, allow me to present a very eminent literary character among men,
a cunning clerk, by name Goldencalf,” said the envoy, bowing to his
majesty.
“He is welcome to my court,” returned the king by proxy.
“Pray, Mr. People’s Friend, is not this one of the human beings who
have lately arrived in my dominions, and who have shown so much
cleverness in getting Chatterino and his governor through the ice?”
“The very same, please your majesty; and a very arduous service it was,
and right cleverly performed.”
“This reminds me of a duty.—Let my cousin be summoned.”
I now began to see a ray of hope, and to feel the truth of the saying
which teaches us that justice, though sometimes slow, never fails to
arrive at last. I had also, now, and for the first time, a good view of
the king’s eldest first-cousin of the masculine gender, who drew near
at the summons; and, while he had the appearance of listening with the
most profound attention to the instructions of the king of Leaphigh,
was very evidently telling that potentate what he ought to do. The
conference ended, his majesty’s proxy spoke in a way to be heard by all
who had the good fortune to be near the royal person.
“Reasono did a good thing,” he said; “really, a very good thing, in
bringing us these specimens of the human family. But for his
cleverness, I might have died without ever dreaming that men were
gifted with tails.” [Kings never get hold of the truth at the right
end.] “I wonder if the queen knew it. Pray, did you know, my Augusta,
that men had tails?”
“Our exemption from state affairs gives us females better opportunities
than your majesty enjoys, to study these matters,” returned his royal
consort, by the mouth of her lady of the bed-chamber.
“I dare say I’m very silly—but our cousin, here, thinks it might be
well to do something for these good people, for it may encourage their
king himself to visit us some day.”
An exclamation of pleasure escaped the ladies; who declared, one and
all, it would be delightful to see a real human king—it would be so
funny!
“Well, well,” added the good-natured monarch, “Heaven knows what may
happen, for I have seen stranger things. Really, we ought to do
something for these good people; for, although we owe the pleasure of
their visit, in a great degree, to the cleverness of Reasono—who, by
the way, I’m glad to hear is declared an H. O. A. X.—yet he very
handsomely admits, that but for their exertions—none of our seamikins
being within reach—it would have been quite impossible to get through
the ice. I wish I knew, now, which was the cleverest and the most
useful of their party.”
Here the queen, always thinking and speaking by proxy, suggested the
propriety of leaving the point to Prince Bob.
“It would be no more than is due to his rank; for though they are men,
I dare say they have feelings like ourselves.”
The question was now submitted to Bob, who sat in judgment on us all,
with as much gravity as if accustomed to such duties from infancy. It
is said that men soon get to be familiar with elevation, and that,
while he who has fallen never fails to look backwards, he who has risen
invariably limits his vision to the present horizon. Such proved to be
the case with the princely Bob.
“This person,” observed the jackanapes, pointing to me, “is a very good
sort of person, it is true, but he is hardly the sort of person your
majesty wants just now. There is the lord high admiral, too—but—”
(Bob’s but was envenomed by a thousand kicks!)—“but—you wish, sire, to
know which of my father’s subjects was the most useful in getting the
ship to Leaphigh?”
“That is precisely the fact I desire to know.”
Bob hereupon pointed to the cook; who, it will be remembered, was
present as one of his train-bearers. “I believe I must say, sire, that
this is the man. He fed us all; and without food, and that in
considerable quantities, too, nothing could have been done.”
The little blackguard was rewarded for his impudence, by exclamations
of pleasure from all around him.—“It was so clever a distinction,”—“it
showed so much reflection,”—“it was so very profound,”—“it proved how
much he regarded the base of society;”—in short, “it was evident
England would be a happy country, when he should be called to the
throne!” In the meantime the cook was required to come forth, and kneel
before his majesty.
“What is your name?” whispered the lord of the bed-chamber, who now
spoke for himself.
“Jack Coppers, your honor.”
The lord of the bed-chamber made a communication to his majesty, when
the sovereign turned round by proxy, with his back towards Jack, and,
giving him the accolade with his tail, he bade him rise, as “Sir Jack
Coppers.”
I was a silent, an admiring, an astounded witness of this act of gross
and flagrant injustice. Some one pulled me aside, and then I recognized
the voice of Brigadier Downright.
“You think that honors have alighted where they are least due. You
think that the saying of your crown prince has more smartness than
truth, more malice than honesty. You think that the court has judged on
false principles, and acted on an impulse rather than on reason; that
the king has consulted his own ease in affecting to do justice; that
the courtiers have paid a homage to their master, in affecting to pay a
homage to merit; and that nothing in this life is pure or free from the
taint of falsehood, selfishness, or vanity. Alas! this is too much the
case with us monikins, I must allow; though, doubtless, among men you
manage a vast deal more cleverly.”