a syrup of the dormice pye, which went to pieces in the general
wreck: and as for the Italian count, he was overwhelmed by the sow's
stomach, which, bursting in the fall, discharged its contents upon
his leg and thigh, and scalded him so miserably, that he shrieked
with anguish, and grinned with a most ghastly and horrible aspect.
The baron, who sat secure without the vortex of this tumult, was
not at all displeased at seeing his companions involved in such a
calamity as that which he had already shared; but the doctor was
confounded with shame and vexation. After having prescribed an
application of oil to the count's leg, he expressed his sorrow for
the misadventure, which he openly ascribed to want of taste and
prudence in the painter, who did not think proper to return, and
make an apology in person; and protested that there was nothing in
the fowls which could give offence to a sensible nose, the stuffing
being a mixture of pepper, lovage, and assafœtida, and the sauce
consisting of wine and herring-pickle, which he had used instead of
the celebrated _garum_ of the Romans; that famous pickle having been
prepared sometimes of the _scombri_, which were a sort of tunny fish,
and sometimes of the _silurus_, or shad fish; nay, he observed, that
there was a third kind called _garum hæmation_, made of the guts,
gills, and blood of the _thynnus_.
The physician, finding it would be impracticable to re-establish the
order of the banquet, by presenting again the dishes which had been
discomposed, ordered every thing to be removed, a clean cloth to be
laid, and the dessert to be brought in.
Meanwhile, he regretted his incapacity to give them a specimen of the
_alieus_, or fish-meals of the ancients, such as the _jus diabaton_,
the conger-eel, which, in Galen's opinion, is hard of digestion; the
_cornuta_, or gurnard, described by Pliny in his Natural History, who
says, the horns of many were a foot and a half in length; the mullet
and lamprey, that were in the highest estimation of old, of which
last Julius Cæsar borrowed six thousand for one triumphal supper. He
observed, that the manner of dressing them was described by Horace,
in the account he gives of the entertainment to which Mæcenas was
invited by the epicure Nasiedenus,
Affertur squillas inter muræna natantes, &c.
and told them, that they were commonly eaten with the _thus
Syriacum_, a certain anodyne and astringent seed, which qualified the
purgative nature of the fish. Finally, this learned physician gave
them to understand, that, though this was reckoned a luxurious dish
in the zenith of the Roman taste, it was by no means comparable, in
point of expense, to some preparations in vogue about the time of
that absurd voluptuary Heliogabalus, who ordered the brains of six
hundred ostriches to be compounded in one mess.
By this time the dessert appeared, and the company were not
a little rejoiced to see plain olives in salt and water: but
what the master of the feast valued himself upon was a sort of
jelly, which he affirmed to be preferable to the _hypotrimma_ of
Hesychius, being a mixture of vinegar, pickle, and honey, boiled to
a proper consistence, and candied assafœtida, which he asserted,
in contradiction to Aumelbergius and Lister, was no other than the
_laser Syriacum_, so precious as to be sold among the ancients to
the weight of a silver penny. The gentlemen took his word for the
excellency of this gum, but contented themselves with the olives,
which gave such an agreeable relish to the wine, that they seemed
very well disposed to console themselves for the disgraces they
had endured; and Pickle, unwilling to lose the least circumstance
of entertainment that could be enjoyed in their company, went
in quest of the painter, who remained in his penitentials in
another apartment, and could not be persuaded to re-enter the
banqueting-room, until Peregrine undertook to procure his pardon from
those whom he had injured. Having assured him of this indulgence,
our young gentleman led him in like a criminal, bowing on all hands
with an air of humility and contrition; and particularly addressing
himself to the count, to whom he swore in English, as God was his
Saviour, he had no intent to affront man, woman, or child; but
was fain to make the best of his way, that he might not give the
honourable company cause of offence, by obeying the dictates of
nature in their presence.
When Pickle interpreted this apology to the Italian, Pallet was
forgiven in very polite terms, and even received into favour by his
friend the doctor, in consequence of our hero's intercession; so
that all the guests forgot their chagrin, and paid their respects so
piously to the bottle, that, in a short time, the champaign produced
very evident effects in the behaviour of all present.
[Illustration]
POINT VII.
THE DUEL.
_A Scene from "Peregrine Pickle."_
The painter betook himself to the house of the Flemish Raphael, and
the rest of the company went back to their lodgings; where Peregrine,
taking the advantage of being alone with the physician, recapitulated
all the affronts he had sustained from the painter's petulance,
aggravating every circumstance of the disgrace, and advising him, in
the capacity of a friend, to take care of his honour, which could not
fail to suffer in the opinion of the world, if he allowed himself to
be insulted with impunity by one so much his inferior in every degree
of consideration.
The physician assured him, that Pallet had hitherto escaped
chastisement, by being deemed an object unworthy his resentment, and
in consideration of the wretch's family, for which his compassion
was interested; but that repeated injuries would inflame the most
benevolent disposition; and although he could find no precedent of
duelling among the Greeks and Romans, whom he considered as the
patterns of demeanour, Pallet should no longer avail himself of
his veneration for the ancients, but be punished for the very next
offence he should commit.
Having thus spirited up the doctor to a resolution from which he
could not decently swerve, our adventurer acted the incendiary with
the other party also; giving him to understand, that the physician
treated his character with such contempt, and behaved to him with
such insolence, as no gentleman ought to bear: that, for his own
part, he was every day put out of countenance by their mutual
animosity, which appeared in nothing but vulgar expressions, more
becoming shoe-boys and oyster-women than men of honour and education;
and therefore he should be obliged, contrary to his inclination, to
break off all correspondence with them both, if they would not fall
upon some method to retrieve the dignity of their characters.
These representations would have had little effect upon the timidity
of the painter, who was likewise too much of a Grecian to approve
of single combat, in any other way than that of boxing, an exercise
in which he was well skilled, had they not been accompanied with an
insinuation, that his antagonist was no Hector, and that he might
humble him into any concession, without running the least personal
risk. Animated by this assurance, our second Rubens set the trumpet
of defiance to his mouth, swore he valued not his life a rush, when
his honour was concerned, and entreated Mr. Pickle to be the bearer
of a challenge, which he would instantly commit to writing.
The mischievous fomenter highly applauded this manifestation of
courage, by which he was at liberty to cultivate his friendship
and society, but declined the office of carrying the billet, that
his tenderness of Pallet's reputation might not be misinterpreted
into an officious desire of promoting quarrels. At the same time he
recommended Tom Pipes, not only as a very proper messenger on this
occasion, but also as a trusty second in the field. The magnanimous
painter took his advice, and, retiring to his chamber, penned a
challenge in these terms.--
'SIR,--When I am heartily provoked, I fear not the devil himself;
much less----I will not call you a pedantic coxcomb, nor an
unmannerly fellow, because these are the hippythets of the wulgar:
but, remember, such as you are, I nyther love you nor fear you;
but, on the contrary, expect satisfaction for your audacious
behaviour to me on divers occasions; and will, this evening, in
the twilight, meet you on the ramparts with sword and pistol,
where the Lord have mercy on the soul of one of us, for your body
shall find no favour with your incensed defier, till death.
'LAYMAN PALLET.'
This resolute defiance, after having been submitted to the perusal,
and honoured with the approbation of our youth, was committed to the
charge of Pipes, who, according to his orders, delivered it in the
afternoon; and brought for answer, that the physician would attend
him at the appointed time and place. The challenger was evidently
discomposed at the unexpected news of this acceptance, and ran
about the house in great disorder, in quest of Peregrine, to beg
his further advice and assistance: but understanding that the youth
was engaged in private with his adversary, he began to suspect some
collusion, and cursed himself for his folly and precipitation. He
even entertained some thoughts of retracting his invitation, and
submitting to the triumph of his antagonist: but before he would
stoop to this opprobrious condescension, he resolved to try another
expedient, which might be the means of saving both his character and
person. In this hope he visited Mr. Jolter, and very gravely desired
he would be so good as to undertake the office of his second in a
duel which he was to fight that evening with the physician.
The governor, instead of answering his expectation, in expressing
fear and concern, and breaking forth into exclamations of, 'Good God!
gentlemen! what d'ye mean? You shall not murder one another while it is
in my power to prevent your purpose. I will go directly to the governor
of the place, who shall interpose his authority.' I say, instead of
these and other friendly menaces of prevention, Jolter heard the
proposal with the most phlegmatic tranquillity, and excused himself
from accepting the honour intended for him, on account of his character
and situation, which would not permit him to be concerned in any such
rencounters. Indeed this mortifying reception was owing to a previous
hint from Peregrine, who, dreading some sort of interruption from his
governor, had made him acquainted with his design, and assured him,
that the affair should not be brought to any dangerous issue.
Thus disappointed, the dejected challenger was overwhelmed with
perplexity and dismay; and, in the terrors of death or mutilation,
resolved to deprecate the wrath of his enemy, and conform to any
submission he should propose, when he was accidentally encountered by
our adventurer, who, with demonstrations of infinite satisfaction,
told him, in confidence, that his billet had thrown the doctor into
an agony of consternation; that his acceptance of his challenge was
a mere effort of despair, calculated to confound the ferocity of
the sender, and dispose him to listen to terms of accommodation;
that he had imparted the letter to him, with fear and trembling, on
pretence of engaging him as a second, but, in reality, with a view
of obtaining his good offices in promoting a reconciliation; 'but
perceiving the situation of his mind,' added our hero, 'I thought
it would be more for your honour to baffle his expectation, and
therefore I readily undertook the task of attending him to the
field, in full assurance that he will there humble himself before
you, even to prostration. In this security you may go and prepare
your arms, and bespeak the assistance of Pipes, who will 'squire
you to the field, while I keep myself up, that our correspondence
may not be suspected by the physician.' Pallet's spirits, that were
sunk to dejection, rose at this encouragement to all the insolence
of triumph; he again declared his contempt of danger; and his
pistols being loaded and accommodated with new flints, by his trusty
armour-bearer, he waited, without flinching, for the hour of battle.
On the first approach of twilight, somebody knocked at his door,
and Pipes having opened it at his desire, he heard the voice of his
antagonist pronounce,--'Tell Mr. Pallet, that I am going to the place
of appointment.' The painter was not a little surprised at this
anticipation, which so ill agreed with the information he had received
from Pickle; and his concern beginning to recur, he fortified himself
with a large bumper of brandy, which, however, did not overcome the
anxiety of his thoughts. Nevertheless, he set out on the expedition
with his second, betwixt whom and himself the following dialogue
passed, in their way to the ramparts.--'Mr. Pipes,' said the painter,
with disordered accent, 'methinks the doctor was in a pestilent hurry
with that message of his.'--'Ey, ey,' answered Tom, 'I do suppose he
longs to be foul of you.' 'What!' replied the other,'d'ye think he
thirsts after my blood?' 'To be sure a does,' (said Pipes, thrusting
a large quid of tobacco into his cheek with great deliberation).
'If that be the case,' cried Pallet, beginning to shake, 'he is no
better than a cannibal, and no Christian ought to fight him on
equal footing.' Tom observing his emotion, eyed him with a frown of
indignation, saying, 'You an't afraid, are you?' 'God forbid!' replied
the challenger, stammering with fear, 'what should I be afraid of? the
worst he can do is to take my life, and then he'll be answerable both
to God and man for the murder: don't you think he will?'--'I think no
such matter,' answered the second: 'if so be as how he puts a brace of
bullets through your bows, and kills you fairly, it is no more murder
than if I was to bring down a noddy from the main-top-sail-yard.' By
this time Pallet's teeth shattered with such violence, that he could
scarce pronounce this reply.--'Mr. Thomas, you seem to make very light
of a man's life; but I trust in the Almighty I shall not be so easily
brought down. Sure many a man has fought a duel without losing his
life. Do you imagine that I run such a hazard of falling by the hand of
my adversary?' 'You may or you may not,' said the unconcerned Pipes,
'just as it happens. What then! death is a debt that every man owes,
according to the song; and if you set foot to foot, I think one of
you must go to pot.' 'Foot to foot!' exclaimed the terrified painter,
'that's downright butchery; and I'll be damned before I fight any man
on earth in such a barbarous way. What! d'ye take me to be a savage
beast?' This declaration he made while they ascended the ramparts. His
attendant, perceiving the physician and his second at the distance of
an hundred paces before them, gave him notice of their appearance,
and advised him to make ready, and behave like a man. Pallet in vain
endeavoured to conceal his panic, which discovered itself in an
universal trepidation of body, and the lamentable tone in which he
answered this exhortation of Pipes, saying,--'I do behave like a man;
but you would have me act the part of a brute.--Are they coming this
way?' When Tom told him that they had faced about, and admonished him
to advance, the nerves of his arm refused their office, he could not
hold out his pistol, and instead of going forward, retreated with an
insensibility of motion; till Pipes, placing himself in the rear, set
his own back to that of his principal, and swore he should not budge an
inch farther in that direction.
While the valet thus tutored the painter, his master enjoyed the
terrors of the physician, which were more ridiculous than those
of Pallet, because he was more intent upon disguising them. His
declaration to Pickle in the morning would not suffer him to start
any objections when he received the challenge; and finding that the
young gentleman made no offer of mediating the affair, but rather
congratulated him on the occasion, when he communicated the painter's
billet, all his efforts consisted in oblique hints, and general
reflexions, upon the absurdity of duelling, which was first introduced
among civilized nations by the barbarous Huns and Longobards. He
likewise pretended to ridicule the use of fire-arms, which confounded
all the distinctions of skill and address, and deprived a combatant of
the opportunity of signalizing his personal prowess.
Pickle assented to the justness of his observations; but, at the
same time, represented the necessity of complying with the customs
of this world (ridiculous as they were), on which a man's honour and
reputation depend. So that, seeing no hopes of profiting by that
artifice, the republican's agitation became more and more remarkable;
and he proposed, in plain terms, that they should contend in armour,
like the combatants of ancient days; for it was but reasonable, that
they should practise the manner of fighting, since they adopted the
disposition of those iron times.
Nothing could have afforded more diversion to our hero than the
sight of two such duellists cased in iron; and he wished that he
had promoted the quarrel in Brussels, where he could have hired the
armour of Charles the Fifth, and the valiant Duke of Parma, for their
accommodation; but as there was no possibility of furnishing them
cap-à-pee at Antwerp, he persuaded him to conform to the modern use
of the sword, and meet the painter on his own terms; and suspecting
that his fear would supply him with other excuses for declining
the combat, he comforted him with some distant insinuations, to
the prejudice of his adversary's courage, which would, in all
probability, evaporate before any mischief could happen.
Notwithstanding this encouragement, he could not suppress the
reluctance with which he went to the field, and cast many a wishful
look over his left shoulder, to see whether or not his adversary was
at his heels. When, by the advice of his second, he took possession of
the ground, and turned about with his face to the enemy, it was not so
dark, but that Peregrine could perceive the unusual paleness of his
countenance, and the sweat standing in large drops upon his forehead;
nay, there was a manifest disorder in his speech, when he regretted
his want of the _pila_ and _parma_, with which he would have made a
rattling noise, to astonish his foe, in springing forward, and singing
the hymn to battle, in the manner of the ancients.
In the mean time, observing the hesitation of his antagonist, who, far
from advancing, seemed to recoil, and even struggle with his second,
he guessed the situation of the painter's thoughts, and collecting
all the manhood that he possessed, seized the opportunity of profiting
by his enemy's consternation. Striking his sword and pistol together,
he advanced in a sort of a trot, raising a loud howl, in which he
repeated, in lieu of the Spartan song, part of the strophe from one of
Pindar's Pythia, beginning with _ek theon gar mekanai pasai Broteais
aretais_, &c. This imitation of the Greeks had all the desired effect
upon the painter, who seeing the physician running towards him like a
fury, with a pistol in his right hand, which was extended, and hearing
the dreadful yell he uttered, and the outlandish words he produced, was
seized with an universal palsy of his limbs. He would have dropped down
upon the ground, had not Pipes supported and encouraged him to stand
upon his defence. The doctor, contrary to his expectation, finding
that he had not flinched from the spot, though he had now performed
one half of his career, put in practice the last effort, by firing his
pistol, the noise of which no sooner reached the ears of the affrighted
painter, than he recommended his soul to God, and roared for mercy with
great vociferation.
[Illustration]
The republican, overjoyed at this exclamation, commanded him to yield,
and surrender his arms, on pain of immediate death; upon which he threw
away his pistols and sword, in spite of all the admonitions and even
threats of his second, who left him to his fate, and went up to his
master, stopping his nose with signs of loathing and abhorrence.
The victor, having won the _spolia opima_, granted him his life,
on condition that he would on his knees supplicate his pardon,
acknowledging him inferior to his conqueror in every virtue and
qualification, and promise for the future to merit his favour by
submission and respect. These insolent terms were readily embraced
by the unfortunate challenger, who fairly owned, that he was not
at all calculated for the purposes of war, and that henceforth he
would contend with no weapon but his pencil. He begged, with great
humility, that Mr. Pickle would not think the worse of his morals for
this defect of courage, which was a natural infirmity inherited from
his father, and suspend his opinion of his talents, until he should
have an opportunity of contemplating the charms of his Cleopatra,
which would be finished in less than three months.
Our hero observed, with an affected air of displeasure, that no
man could be justly condemned for being subject to the impressions
of fear; and therefore his cowardice might easily be forgiven: but
there was something so presumptuous, dishonest, and disingenuous,
in arrogating a quality to which he knew he had not the smallest
pretension, that he could not forget his misbehaviour all at once,
though he would condescend to communicate with him as formerly,
in hopes of seeing a reformation in his conduct. Pallet protested
that there was no dissimulation in the case: for he was ignorant
of his own weakness, until his resolution was put to the trial: he
faithfully promised to demean himself, during the remaining part of
the tour, with that conscious modesty and penitence which became
a person in his condition: and, for the present, implored the
assistance of Mr. Pipes, in disembarrassing him from the disagreeable
consequence of his fear.
[Illustration]
POINT VIII.
THE QUACK DOCTOR.
The town of Ashbourn, being a great thoroughfare to Buxton Wells, to
the High-peak, and many parts of the North; and being inhabited by
many substantial people concerned in the mines, and having also three
or four of the greatest horse-fairs in that part of England, every
year; is a very populous town.
There appeared at Ashbourn, for some market-days, a very
extraordinary person, in a character, and with an equipage, somewhat
singular and paradoxical: this was one Dr. Stubbs, a physician
of the itinerant kind. The doctor came to town on horseback, yet
dressed in a plaid night gown and red velvet cap. He had a small
reading-desk fixed upon the pummel of his saddle, that supported a
large folio, in which, by the help of a monstrous pair of spectacles,
the doctor seemed to read, as the horse moved slowly on, with a
profound attention. A portmanteau behind him contained his cargo of
sovereign medicines, which, as brick-dust was probably the principal
ingredient, must have been no small burden to his lean steed.
The 'squire, or assistant, led the doctor's horse slowly along, in a
dress less solemn, but not less remarkable, than that of his master.
The doctor, from his Rozinante, attended by his merry-andrew (mounted
on a horse-block before the principal inn), had just begun to
harangue the multitude, and the speech with which he introduced
himself each market-day was to this effect--
"My friends and countrymen! you have frequently been imposed upon, no
doubt, by quacks and ignorant pretenders to the noble art of physic;
who, in order to gain your attention, have boasted of their many
years' travels into foreign parts, and even the most remote regions
of the habitable globe. One has been physician to the Sophi of
Persia, to the Great Mogul, or the Empress of Russia; and displayed
his skill at Moscow, Constantinople, Delhi, or Ispahan. Another,
perhaps, has been tooth-drawer to the king of Morocco, or corn-cutter
to the sultan of Egypt, or to the grand Turk; or has administered a
clyster to the queen of Trebisond, or to Prester John, or the Lord
knows who--as if the wandering about from place to place (supposing
it to be true) could make a man a jot the wiser. No, gentlemen, don't
be imposed upon by pompous words and magnificent pretensions. He that
goes abroad a fool will come home a coxcomb.