own countryman--your fellow subject--your neighbour, as I may say.
Why, gentlemen, eminent as I am now become, I was born but at
Coventry, where my mother now lives--Mary Stubbs by name.
"One thing, indeed, I must boast of, without which I would not
presume to practise the sublime art and mystery of physic. I am the
seventh son of a seventh son. Seven days was I before I sucked the
breast. Seven months before I was seen to laugh or cry. Seven years
before I was heard to utter seven words; and twice seven years have
I studied, night and day, for the benefit of you, my friends and
countrymen: and now here I am, ready to assist the afflicted, and to
cure all manner of diseases, past, present, and to come; and that
out of pure love to my country and fellow creatures, without fee or
reward--except a trifling gratuity, the prime cost of my medicines;
or what you may choose voluntarily to contribute hereafter, out of
gratitude for the great benefit, which, I am convinced, you will
receive from the use of them.
"But come, gentlemen, here is my famous,[1]Anti-febri-fuge Tincture;
that cures all internal disorders whatsoever; the whole bottle for
one poor shilling.
"Here's my Cataplasma Diabolicum, or my Diabolical Cataplasm;
that will cure all external disorders, cuts, bruises, contusions,
excoriations, and dislocations; and all for sixpence.
"But here, gentlemen, here's my famous Balsamum Stubbianum, or Dr.
Stubbs's Sovereign Balsam; renowned over the whole Christian world,
as an universal remedy, which no family ought to be without: it will
keep seven years, and--be as good as it is now. Here's this large
bottle, gentlemen, for the trifling sum of eighteen-pence.
"I am aware that your physical gentlemen here have called me quack,
and ignorant pretender, and the like. But here I am.--Let Dr. Pestle
or Dr. Clyster come forth. I challenge the whole faculty of the town
of Ashbourn, to appear before this good company, and dispute with me
in seven languages, ancient or modern; in Latin, Greek, or Hebrew--in
High-Dutch, French, Italian, or Portuguese. Let them ask me any
question in Hebrew or Arabic, and then it will appear who are men of
solid learning, and who are quacks and ignorant pretenders.
"You see, gentlemen, I challenge them to a fair trial of skill, but
not one of them dares show his face; they confess their ignorance by
their silence.
"But come, gentlemen, who buys my elixir Cephalicum, Asthmaticum,
Arthriticum, Diureticum, Emeticum, Diaphoriticum, Nephriticum,
Catharticum.--Come, gentlemen, seize the golden opportunity, whilst
health is so cheaply to be purchased."
After having disposed of a few packets, the doctor told the company,
that as this was the last time of his appearing at Ashbourn (other
parts of the kingdom claiming a part in his patriotic labours),
he was determined to make a present to all those who had been his
patients, of a shilling a-piece. He therefore called upon all those
who could produce any one of Dr. Stubbs's bottles, pill-boxes,
plaisters, or even his hand-bills, to make their appearance, and
partake of his generosity.
This produced no small degree of expectation amongst those that had
been the doctor's customers, who gathered round him, with their hands
stretched out, and with wishful looks. "Here, gentlemen," says the
doctor, "stand forth! hold up your hands. I promised to give you a
shilling a-piece. I will immediately perform my promise. Here's my
Balsamum Stubbianum; which I have hitherto sold at eighteen-pence the
bottle, you shall now have it for sixpence."
"Come! gemmen," says the merry-andrew, "where are you? Be quick!
Don't stand in your own light. You'll never have such another
opportunity--as long as you live."
The people looked upon each other with an air of disappointment.
Some shook their heads, some grinned at the conceit, and others
uttered their execrations--some few, however, who had been unwilling
to throw away eighteen-pence upon the experiment, ventured to give
a single sixpence; and the doctor picked up eight or nine shillings
more by this stratagem, which was more than the intrinsic value of
his horse-load of medicines.
[Illustration]
This egregious quack conceiving that he had now squeezed the last
farthing out of his audience, commenced his retreat from the crowd
with his usual solemnity of deportment, and mock-heroic dignity;
when a sly countryman, who had stood near him for some time, and had
listened with a less than ordinary portion of credulity, nay, who
had, indeed, more than once lifted up his eyes in token of disbelief,
and curved his mouth into an arch of humourous contempt--raised a
pitchfork which he had been leaning upon, and urged it into the
posterior of the poor beast, who was condemned to crawl underneath
the Doctor and his baggage.--This Rozinante no sooner felt the
insidious prick, than, bent on revenge, she raised her heels with
deadly intent; but in order to raise her heels, the old creature
found it necessary to lower her head, when the Doctor took that
opportunity, which to say the truth, he could not avoid, of toppling
over her shoulders. While the medical gentleman was performing his
somerset in the air, amidst a shower of his own bottles, to the
manifest delight of the multitude, who shouted and screamed with
joy, and pelted him with stones, and mud, and filth--purely out of
the extacy of their gratification, another well disposed patient
taking advantage of the moment, presented a besom to the Merry
Andrew, and fairly swept him from the horse-block, on which he was
capering, among his master's bottles, gallipots, and nostrums, which
now bestrewed the pavement.--After a few minutes floundering, the
faithful pair regained their legs, and gathering up the remnants of
their trade, retreated to their inn with all convenient speed, amidst
the huzzas and laughter of the mob.
[Illustration]
FOOTNOTE:
[1] A celebrated quack made this blunder; that is, in plain English,
a tincture that will bring on a fever.
POINT IX.
A NEW WAY TO PAY OLD DEBTS.
_A Scene from "Les Barons de Felsheim."_
One evening that those heroes, the Baron of Felsheim and Brandt,
were reclined on their beds, beginning to drink freely, relating
their high feats, and, with becoming modesty, comparing themselves to
nothing less than an Eugene or a Marlborough, Brandt was on a sudden
struck with a sort of inspiration.--"We are very comfortable here,"
said he to the Baron.--"Very well indeed," replied Ferdinand XV. with
a slight symptom of ebriety.--"No more guard at night."--"No longer
compelled to drink water."--"No more black bread, Colonel."--"No
more Frenchmen, Brandt, though we beat them sometimes, eh?"--"Aye,
but with the loss of an eye."--"And my poor arm, you have not forgot
that?"--"No more than I have your leg."--"My leg, my leg, ah! that
was a sad affair."--"Your health, Colonel." "Your's, Brandt."--"I
foresee but one little accident, my Lord, that can disturb our
present felicity."--"What's that?"--"O nothing, a mere trifle.--I
was thinking that the good Jews of Franckfort may, if they please,
turn the Baron of Felsheim out of his own castle."--"Faith! I had
forgot those scoundrels;" answered the Baron, drinking a bumper;
"however, you shall go to Franckfort to-morrow morning, collect the
rabble together, and bring them here. I will receive them in that
famous tower, where Witikind, with only thirty Saxons, stopped, for
three days, an army of one hundred thousand men, led by Charlemagne
in person. The place will inspire them with that veneration for my
person which its shattered state no longer enforces." "I will go,
Colonel."--"If they are reasonable--we will pay them."--"If they are
not--we must sabre them."--"That is well said, Brandt,--bravo!"--"Let
us drink, Colonel."--"With all my heart."--
The next morning, at break of day, Brandt saddled his horse,
gallopped towards Franckfort, assembled the Israelites, imparted to
them the good intentions of his master, appointed a day the Colonel
would be ready to receive them, and then returned to the castle.
The punctuality of a good soldier to be at his post in the hour of
battle, of a lover in keeping the first appointment of his mistress, or
of a courtier at the levee, is not to be compared with the precision
of a Jew, who has money to receive. Those of Franckfort arrived on the
appointed day, at the appointed hour, and long before the Baron had
slept himself sober. Brandt went to inform him of the arrival of his
creditors, assisted him in putting on a dressing-gown of blue velvet
lined with green stuff, which descended from Ferdinand XIII. and which
Ferdinand XIV. had never worn but to give his public audiences; tied
his sabre over the said gown, placed his double-barrelled pistols
in his belt, combed his whiskers, and put a white cap over that of
dirty brown, which he commonly wore. The Baron, thus accoutred, came
forth from his bed-chamber, leaning on his Squire's shoulder; walked
majestically through two rows, formed by his creditors, and was
followed by them to the tower of Witikind.
[Illustration]
After depositing, on a worm-eaten table, his naked sword and his
pistols, the Baron seated himself in an immense arm-chair, stroked
his whiskers, and spoke in the following terms:--
"Rogues that you are; I have summoned you here to free myself from
your importunities."--The Jews made a profound reverence. "I have
served the descendant of Cæsar, who is no better than the descendant of
Witikind:--but, no matter, I have served him. I have been in want of
money, and have subscribed to your own terms; now I hold the purse, and
dictate in my turn. I will give you half what I owe you, provided you
sign a receipt for the whole." The Jews were shocked at this proposal,
and were about to expostulate, but Brandt, giving them a fierce look,
imposed silence, and the Baron repeated his offer. The creditors shook
their heads, in token of discontent. Ferdinand XV. swore, by his
ancestors, that he would cause all the bailiffs, who should dare to
approach his castle, to be thrown into the ditch, and Brandt swore,
by Prince Eugene, that he would immediately treat the Saxon Jews, as
the Arabian Jews had treated the Amalekites, if they did not agree to
a compromise; on saying which, he brandished his sabre over the heads
of the Israelites, who continued, however, unintimidated. A Jew has no
fear for his head, when he trembles for his money.
The Baron began to be uneasy, swore between his teeth, and was a
little embarrassed, when Brandt, who loved gentle means as well as
any body, when he found nothing else would succeed, advised the
Colonel to leave the room, took up the pistols, went out himself by
a postern door, threatened to blow out the brains of the first who
should dare to move, and shut up the Israelites in the tower.
Although they passed a great part of the day without food, they still
continued obstinate. At length their physical thirst equalled their
thirst for gold, and they endeavoured to move the iron bars, which
Ferdinand XI. had fixed to the windows. The relentless Brandt, who
was armed with a double-barrelled gun, and who kept a sharp look-out,
opposed himself so warmly to their attempt that they were obliged
to abandon it. They then asked for quarter, but Brandt's only reply
was, "Will you take the half of your money?" The Jews signified their
dissent by withdrawing from the window.
When night approached, Brandt, fearing to be surprised, lighted a
fire at the foot of the tower, and he and the Jews spent the hours in
watching each other's motions. The next morning, the prisoners began
to feel the cravings of nature, and one of them demanded a parley.
"Will you have half?" was again the demand of the inflexible Brandt.
"We will take two thirds," said a voice. Brandt pretended not to hear
it, and continued to walk to and fro, with his musket on his shoulder.
At twelve o'clock, the Jews, no longer able to resist the hunger
which tormented them, requested another conference; and, with seeming
reluctance, agreed to take the half of their debt. "You shall have
but one third," replied Brandt; "and, if you do not capitulate
instantly, you shall have nothing." About four, a Jew, almost
fainting, said, "Give us the half."--"You shall have but a quarter,"
said Brandt. "Well, let us conclude for a quarter," replied the
Israelite: "there are Christians possessed of less mercy than Jews."
Brandt ran immediately to fetch some paper and a small ink-stand,
tied the whole at the end of a long pole, which he presented to the
prisoners, and ordered them to give a receipt for three parts of the
debt, which was executed instantly, and he received it back by the
same conveyance. He carried this valuable acquisition to the Baron,
from whom he received a small bag of imperial florins, came back to
the tower, paid the remaining quarter, and was particularly careful
in obtaining the title-deeds. He then conducted the Jews to the door,
with great civility, and they departed, wishing him most heartily at
the devil.
By way of rejoicing, for the very economical manner in which the
Baron had discharged his debts, Brandt placed upon the table a large
piece of smoked bacon, and an old cock roasted; and it was agreed,
for once, that they should begin to drink at five o'clock, even at
the risk of not finding their way to bed until the next morning.
[Illustration]
POINT X.
_A Scene from Shakspeare._
_Enter Fluellen and Gower._
_Gow._ Nay, that's right: but why wear you your leek to day? St.
David's day is past.
_Flu._ There is occasions and causes why and wherefore in all things;
I will tell you as a friend, Captain Gower; the rascally, scauld,
beggarly, lowsie, pragging knave Pistol, which you and yourself and
all the world know to be no petter than a fellow (look you now) of no
merits; he is come to me and prings me pread and salt yesterday, look
you, and bid me eat my leek. It was in a place where I could breed no
contentions with him; but I will be so pold as to wear it in my cap,
till I see him once again; and then I will tell him a little piece of
my desires.
_Enter Pistol._
_Gow._ Why, here he comes, swelling like a Turky-cock.
_Flu._ 'Tis no matter for his swelling, nor his Turky-cocks. God
plesse you, aunchient Pistol: you scurvy, lowsie knave, God plesse
you.
_Pist._ Ha! art thou bedlam? dost thou thirst, base Trojan,
To have me fold up Parca's fatal web?
Hence, I am qualmish at the smell of leek.
[Illustration]
_Flu._ I peseech you heartily, scurvy, lowsie knave, at my desires,
and my requests, and my petitions, to eat, look you, this leek:
because, look you, you do not love it; and your affections, and your
appetites, and your digestions, does not agree with it; I would
desire you to eat it.
_Pist._ Not for Cadwallader and all his goats.
_Flu._ There is one goat for you, [_Strikes him._
Will you be so good, scald knave, as eat it?
_Pist._ Base Trojan, thou shalt die.
_Flu._ You say very true, scald knave, when God's will is: I will
desire you to live in the mean time and eat your victuals; come,
there is sawce for it---- [_Strikes him_] You call'd me yesterday,
Mountain-Squire, but I will make you to day a Squire of low degree. I
pray you, fall to; if you can mock a leek, you can eat a leek.
_Gow._ Enough, captain; you have astonish'd him.
_Flu._ I say, I will make him eat some part of my leek, or I will
peat his pate four days and four nights. Pite, I pray you; it is good
for your green wound and your ploody coxcomb.
_Pist._ Must I bite?
_Flu._ Yes, out of doubt, and out of questions too, and ambiguities.
_Pist._ By this leek, I will most horribly revenge; I eat and
swear----
_Flu._ Eat, I pray you; will you have some more sawce to your leek?
there is not enough leek to swear by.
_Pist._ Quiet thy cudgel; thou dost see, I eat.
_Flu._ Much good do you, scald knave, heartily. Nay, pray you, throw
none away, the skin is good for your proken coxcomb: when you take
occasions to see leeks hereafter, I pray you, mock at 'em, that's all.
_Pist._ Good.
_Flu._ Ay, leeks is good; hold you, there is a groat to heal your
pate.
_Pist._ Me a groat!
_Flu._ Yes, verily, and in truth, you shall take it; or I have
another leek in my pocket, which you shall eat.
_Pist._ I take thy groat in earnest of revenge.
_Flu._ If I owe you any thing, I will pay you in cudgels; you shall
be a woodmonger, and buy nothing of me but cudgels; God pe wi' you,
and keep you, and heal your pate.
[_Exit._
_Pist._ All hell shall stir for this.
_Gow._ Go, go, you are a counterfeit cowardly knave: will you mock at
an antient tradition, began upon an honourable respect, and worn as a
memorable trophy of predeceased valour, and dare not avouch in your
deeds any of your words? I have seen you gleeking and galling at this
gentleman twice or thrice. You thought, because he could not speak
English in the native garb, he could not therefore handle an English
cudgel; you find it otherwise; and henceforth let a Welsh correction
teach you a good English condition: fare you well.
[_Exit._
[Illustration]
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Transcriber's Notes:
Obvious punctuation and spelling errors have been fixed throughout.
End of Project Gutenberg's Points of Humour, Part II (of II), by Anonymous