POINTS
OF
HUMOUR.
ILLUSTRATED BY
=A Series of Plates,=
FROM DESIGNS BY GEORGE CRUIKSHANK.
TEN ENGRAVINGS ON COPPER. TWELVE WOOD CUTS.
"_Let me play the fool:
With mirth and laughter let old wrinkles come;
And let my liver rather heat with wine,
Than my heart cool with mortifying groans.
Why should a man, whose blood is warm within,
Sit like his grandsire, cut in alabaster?
Sleep when he wakes? and creep into the jaundice
By being peevish?_"
SHAKSPEARE.
PART II.
PRICE 8_s._
LONDON:
PUBLISHED BY J. ROBINS AND CO. IVY LANE,
PATERNOSTER ROW.
POINTS
OF
HUMOUR;
=Illustrated=
BY THE
DESIGNS OF GEORGE CRUIKSHANK.
PART II.
LONDON:
PUBLISHED BY C. BALDWYN, NEWGATE STREET.
1824.
LONDON:
Printed by D. S. Maurice, Fenchurch-street.
PREFACE.
The best preface to _this_ set of the POINTS OF HUMOUR is the
_former_ set, which, we are credibly informed, has favorably disposed
the muscles of our readers for repeating a certain cackling sound,
which is heart-food to our friend George Cruikshank.
One individual, for certain, has laughed over these POINTS, and he is
a very worthy gentleman, who may be discerned wedging his way through
sundry piles of books in a remarkable part of Newgate-street, being
opposite to the huge prison of that name. No one ever asked him after
the sale of this little work, without observing an instantaneous
distension of that feature of the face which is used for more
purposes than merely grinning. It is to be devoutly hoped that this
second set will not spoil his merriment, and that, as rather a coarse
saying goes, "he will not be made to sing to another tune."
The author, collector, compiler, editor, writer, or whatever name
the daily or weekly critics may give him, for they have given him
all these, will, undoubtedly, be heartily sorry should this change
take place, for he avows that since the publication of the POINTS,
the face of the worthy gentleman alluded to has been illuminated by
one unclouded sunshine, so much so, indeed, that to enter his shop
has been a constant resource against melancholy during this gloomy
weather. A face lighted up with good humour in a dark shop, is like a
blaze of light in the middle of one of Rembrandt's murky pictures.
It will be seen that the compiler has taken a hint, or rather
_followed_ a hint of one of the critics upon this little book. He has
resorted for part of his materials, to the author, who is the richest
of all in the humour of _situation_. Fielding has been suggested;
but though some things, excellent in their kind, might be found in
him, yet it will be observed, on a more accurate consideration, that
this admirable author is infinitely less adapted to the pencil of
Cruikshank, than his successor in the walk of humour. Fielding is a
master in the power of laying open all the springs which regulate the
motion of that curious piece of mechanism, the human heart. He wrote
with the inspiration of genius, and is true to nature in her minutest
circumstances. He involuntarily and unconsciously catches the look, the
word, the gesture, which would undoubtedly have manifested itself, and
which is in itself a strong gleam of light upon the whole character.
His _dramatis personæ_ are not, generally, very extraordinary
people.--He dealt in that which is _common_ to all. While, on the
contrary, Smollett is rich in that which is uncommon and eccentric.
His field is among oddities, hobby-horses, foibles, and singularities
of all kinds, which he groups in the most extraordinary manner, and
colours for the most striking effect. We read Fielding with a satisfied
smile, but it is over the page of Smollett that the loud laugh is heard
to break forth.--How much at home our artist is in the conception of
Smollett may be seen in the following plates.
It has been said that it is a pity Mr. Cruikshank should waste his
talents upon ephemeral anecdotes, and not hand down his name by
illustrating the works of our great Novelists. As well might it have
been said to these great Novelists, "confine yourselves to commenting
upon, or translating Cervantes or Le Sage." Genius consecrates and
immortalizes all it touches.--If the tales or anecdotes be ephemeral,
the plates will stamp them for a good old age. Hogarth did not paint
his _Rake's Progress_ in illustration of any immortal work, nor does it
require a set of octavo volumes to remind posterity of his existence.
A similar excuse may apply to Cruikshank, who, generally, would chuse
rather to exalt the humble, than endow the rich.
We have an observation to make respecting one of the plates, the last
in the order. It will be seen that the costume of the characters
there pourtrayed, is essentially different from that adopted by every
illustrator of Shakspeare. This has not been done unadvisedly. The
proper authorities have been in this, as in other cases, diligently
consulted, and it has appeared that these artists, in their endeavour
to discover the dress of our ancestors, have stopped short at the
reign of Charles II., instead of penetrating to that of Henry V.
_March_, 1824.
NOTICE.
As there are Works continually advertised "_with Plates by
Cruikshank_," the Public are particularly requested to observe, that
_George_ Cruikshank has no connexion with any Publications to which
his Christian Name is not affixed; and that all Works, for which he
has made Designs, are advertised with his name in full. He has made
Designs for the following Works:--
ITALIAN TALES.
Just published, price 10s. in one volume beautifully printed, with
sixteen Original Designs by George Cruikshank,
=Italian Tales=
OF HUMOUR, GALLANTRY, AND ROMANCE.
Selected and translated from a variety of Authors.
"This volume of light entertainment possesses considerable merit,
and its embellishments are of the best kind. The ability of Mr.
George Cruikshank is so well known, that to say he does not in the
present volume fall short of his former excellence, is sufficient
praise. Many of his designs are exceedingly graceful and are
executed with singular delicacy."--_New Monthly Magazine._
"Cruikshank has illustrated these Italian Tales with a grace
which (without imitation) approaches the beauty of Stothard's
compositions."--_Westminster Review, No. I._
Second Edition, in 12mo. (250 pages) price 7s. with 12 plates, designed
and engraved by George Cruikshank,
GERMAN POPULAR STORIES,
_Translated from the Kinder und Haus-Märchen of_
M. M. GRIMM.
With a PREFACE and NOTES by the Translators.
"This book ought to be in possession of the man as a curiosity,
and of the child as an amusement."--_New Monthly Magazine._
"The little book published last winter, '_German Nursery
Tales_, with etchings by Cruikshank,' was executed in a style
very superior to the '_Tales of the Northern Nations_.' The
Translator, whoever he be, displayed a great deal of tact in
transferring these Stories with so much of their native naïveté."
_Blackwood's Magazine, October_ 1.
Vol. II. is preparing for Publication.
POINTS OF HUMOUR.--No. I.
⁂ An _imitation_ of the last Work having appeared, _George_ Cruikshank
takes leave to say, that he did not make a single Drawing for it.
POINT I.
THE THREE HUNCHBACKS.
At a short distance from Douai, there stood a castle on the bank of
a river near a bridge. The master of this castle was hunchbacked.
Nature had exhausted her ingenuity in the formation of his whimsical
figure. In place of understanding, she had given him an immense head,
which nevertheless was lost between his two shoulders: he had thick
hair, a short neck, and a horrible visage.
Spite of his deformity, this bugbear bethought himself of falling
in love with a beautiful young woman, the daughter of a poor but
respectable burgess of Douai. He sought her in marriage, and as he
was the richest person in the district, the poor girl was delivered
up to him. After the nuptials he was as much an object of pity as
she, for, being devoured by jealousy, he had no tranquillity night
nor day, but went prying and rambling every where, and suffered no
stranger to enter the castle.
One day during the Christmas festival, while standing sentinel at his
gate, he was accosted by three humpbacked minstrels. They saluted him
as a brother, as such asked him for refreshments, and at the same
time, to establish the fraternity, they ostentatiously shouldered
their humps at him. Contrary to expectation, he conducted them to his
kitchen, gave them a capon with peas, and to each a piece of money
over and above. Before their departure, however, he warned them never
to return on pain of being thrown into the river. At this threat of
the Chatelain the minstrels laughed heartily and took the road to
the town, singing in full chorus, and dancing in a grotesque manner,
in derision of their brother-hump of the castle. He, on his part,
without paying farther attention, went to walk in the fields.
[Illustration]
The lady, who saw her husband cross the bridge, and had heard the
minstrels, called them back to amuse her. They had not been long
returned to the castle, when her husband knocked at the gate, by which
she and the minstrels were equally alarmed. Fortunately, the lady
perceived in a neighbouring room three empty coffers. Into each of
these she stuffed a minstrel, shut the covers, and then opened the gate
to her husband. He had only come back to espy the conduct of his wife
as usual, and, after a short stay, went out anew, at which you may
believe his wife was not dissatisfied. She instantly ran to the coffers
to release her prisoners, for night was approaching and her husband
would not probably be long absent. But what was her dismay, when she
found them all three suffocated! Lamentation, however, was useless. The
main object now was to get rid of the dead bodies, and she had not a
moment to lose. She ran then to the gate, and seeing a peasant go
by, she offered him a reward of thirty livres, and leading him into
the castle, she took him to one of the coffers, and shewing him its
contents, told him he must throw the dead body into the river: he asked
for a sack, put the carcase into it, pitched it over the bridge, and
then returned quite out of breath to claim the promised reward.
[Illustration]
"I certainly intended to satisfy you," said the lady, "but you ought
first to fulfil the condition of the bargain--you have agreed to rid
me of the dead body, have you not? There, however, it is still."
Saying this, she showed him the other coffer in which the second
humpbacked minstrel had expired. At this sight the clown was perfectly
confounded--"how the devil! come back! a sorcerer!"--he then stuffed
the body into the sack and threw it, like the other, over the bridge,
taking care to put the head down and to observe that it sank.
Meanwhile the lady had again changed the position of the coffers,
so that the third was now in the place which had been successively
occupied by the two others. When the peasant returned, she shewed him
the remaining dead body--"you are right, friend," said she, "he must
be a magician, for there he is again." The rustic gnashed his teeth
with rage. "What the devil! am I to do nothing but carry about this
humpback?" He then lifted him up, with dreadful imprecations, and
having tied a stone round the neck, threw him into the middle of the
current, threatening, if he came out a third time, to despatch him
with a cudgel.
[Illustration]
The first object that presented itself to the clown, on his way back
for his reward, was the hunchbacked master of the castle returning
from his evening walk, and making towards the gate. At this sight the
peasant could no longer restrain his fury. "Dog of a humpback, are you
there again?" So saying, he sprung on the Chatelain, threw him over his
shoulders, and hurled him headlong into the river after the minstrels.
[Illustration]
"I'll venture a wager you have not seen him this last time," said the
peasant, entering the room where the lady was seated. She answered,
she had not. "You were not far from it," replied he: "the sorcerer
was already at the gate, but I have taken care of him--be at your
ease--he will not come back now."
The lady instantly comprehended what had occurred, and recompensed
the peasant with much satisfaction.
[Illustration]
POINT II.
A RELISH BEFORE DINNER.
[Illustration]
When Charles Gustavus, King of Sweden, was besieging Prague, a boor,
of a most extraordinary visage, desired admittance to his tent; and
being allowed to enter, he offered, by way of amusement, to devour
a large hog in his presence. The old general Konigsmark, who stood
by the king's side, notwithstanding his bravery, had not got rid of
the prejudices of his childhood, and hinted to his royal master,
that the peasant ought to be burnt as a sorcerer. "Sir," said the
fellow, irritated at the remark, "if your majesty will but make that
old gentleman take off his sword and spurs, I will eat him before I
begin the pig." General Konigsmark, who had, at the head of a body
of Swedes, performed wonders against the Austrians, could not stand
this proposal, especially as it was accompanied by a most hideous
expansion of the jaws and mouth. Without uttering a word, the veteran
turned pale and suddenly ran out of the tent, and did not think
himself safe till he arrived at his quarters, where he remained above
twenty-four hours, locked securely, before he got rid of the panic
which had so strongly seized him.
[Illustration]
POINT III.
THE HAUNTED PHYSICIANS.
A lover, whose mistress was dangerously ill, sought every where for
a skilful physician in whom he could place confidence, and to whose
care he might confide a life so dear to him. In the course of his
search he met with a talisman, by the aid of which spirits might be
rendered visible. The young man exchanged, for this talisman, half
his possessions, and having secured his treasure, ran with it to
the house of a famous physician. Flocking round the door he beheld
a crowd of shades, the ghosts of those persons whom this physician
had killed. Some old, some young; some the skeletons of fat old men;
some gigantic frames of gaunt fellows; some little puling infants and
squalling women; all joined in menaces and threats against the house
of the physician--the den of their destroyer--who however peacefully
marched through them with his cane to his chin, and a grave and
solemn air. The same vision presented itself, more or less, at the
house of every physician of eminence. One at length was pointed
out to him in a distant quarter of the city, at whose door he only
perceived two little ghosts. "Behold," exclaimed he, with a joyful
cry, "the good physician of whom I have been so long in search!" The
doctor, astonished, asked him how he had been able to discover this?
"Pardon me," said the afflicted lover complacently, "your ability
and your reputation are well known to me." "My reputation!" said the
physician, "why I have been in Paris but eight days, and in that time
I have had but TWO patients." "Good God!" involuntarily exclaimed the
young man, "and there they are!"
[Illustration]
POINT IV.
THE FOUR BLIND BEGGARS.
There was a man, whose name was Backbac; he was blind, and his evil
destiny reduced him to beg from door to door. He had been so long
accustomed to walk through the streets alone, that he wanted none
to lead him: he had a custom to knock at people's doors, and not
answer till they opened to him. One day he knocked thus, and the
master of the house, who was alone, cried, "who is there?" Backbac
made no answer, and knocked a second time: the master of the house
asked again and again, "who is there?" but to no purpose, no one
answered; upon which he came down, opened the door, and asked the
man what he wanted? "Give me something, for Heaven's sake," said
Backbac; "you seem to be blind," replied the master of the house;
"yes, to my sorrow," answered Backbac. "Give me your hand," resumed
the master of the house; he did so, thinking he was going to give him
alms; but he only took him by the hand to lead him up to his chamber.
Backbac thought he had been carrying him to dine with him, as many
people had done. When they reached the chamber, the man let go his
hand, and sitting down, asked him again what he wanted? "I have
already told you," said Backbac, "that I want something for God's
sake." "Good blind man," replied the master of the house, "all that
I can do for you is to wish that God may restore your sight." "You
might have told me that at the door," replied Backbac, "and not have
given me the trouble to come up stairs." "And why, fool," said the
man of the house, "do not you answer at first, when people ask you
who is there? why do you give any body the trouble to come and open
the door when they speak to you?"--"What will you do with me then?"
asked Backbac; "I tell you again," said the man of the house, "I have
nothing to give you." "Help me down the stairs then, as you brought
me up."--"The stairs are before you," said the man of the house, "and
you may go down by yourself if you will." The blind man attempted to
descend, but missing a step, about the middle of the stairs, fell
to the bottom and hurt his head and his back: he got up again with
much difficulty, and went out, cursing the master of the house, who
laughed at his fall.
As Backbac went out of the house, three blind men, his companions, were
going by, knew him by his voice, and asked him what was the matter? He
told them what had happened; and afterwards said, "I have eaten nothing
to day; I conjure you to go along with me to my house, that I may take
some of this money that we four have in common, to buy me something for
supper." The blind men agreed, and they went home with him.
You must know that the master of the house where Backbac was so ill
used, was a robber, and of a cunning and malicious disposition; he
overheard from his window what Backbac had said to his companions,
and came down and followed them to Backbac's house. The blind men
being seated, Backbac said to them, "brothers, we must shut the
door, and take care there be no stranger with us." At this the robber
was much perplexed; but perceiving a rope hanging down from a beam,
he caught hold of it, and hung by it while the blind men shut the
door, and felt about the room with their sticks. When they had done,
and had sat down again in their places, the robber left his rope,
and seated himself softly by Backbac: who, thinking himself alone
with his blind comrades, said to them, "brothers, since you have
trusted me with the money, which we have been a long time gathering,
I will shew you that I am not unworthy of the confidence you repose
in me. The last time we reckoned, you know that we had ten thousand
dirhems, and that we put them into ten bags: I will shew you that I
have not touched one of them;" having so said, he put his hand among
some old clothes, and taking out the bags one after another, gave
them to his comrades, saying, "there they are: you may judge by their
weight that they are whole, or you may tell them if you please." His
comrades answered, "there was no need, they did not mistrust him;" so
he opened one of the bags, and took out ten dirhems, and each of the
other blind men did the like.
Backbac put the bags into their place again; after which, one of the
blind men said to him, "there is no need to lay out any thing for
supper, for I have collected as much victuals from good people as
will serve us all:" at the same time he took out of his bag bread and
cheese, and some fruit, and putting all upon the table, they began
to eat. The robber, who sat at Backbac's right hand, picked out the
best, and eat with them; but, whatever care he took to make no noise,
Backbac heard his chaps going, and cried out immediately, "We are
undone, there is a stranger among us!" Having so said, he stretched
out his hand, and caught hold of the robber by the arm, cried out
"_thieves!_" fell upon him, and struck him. The other blind men fell
upon him in like manner; the robber defended himself as well as he
could, and being young and vigorous, besides having the advantage
of his eyes, he swung by the hanging rope, and gave furious kicks,
sometimes to one, sometimes to another, and cried out "_thieves!_"
louder than they did. The neighbours came running at the noise,
broke open the door, and had much ado to separate the combatants;
but having at last succeeded, they asked the cause of their quarrel.
Backbac, who still had hold of the robber, cried out, "gentlemen,
this man I have hold of is a thief, and stole in with us on purpose
to rob us of the little money we have." The thief, who shut his eyes
as soon as the neighbours came, feigned himself blind, and exclaimed,
"gentlemen, he is a liar. I swear to you by heavens, and by the life
of the caliph, that I am their companion, and they refuse to give
me my just share. They have all four fallen upon me, and I demand
justice." The neighbours would not interfere in their quarrel,
but carried them all before the judge. When they came before the
magistrate, the robber, without staying to be examined, cried out,
still feigning to be blind, "sir, since you are deputed to administer
justice by the caliph, whom God prosper, I declare to you that we are
equally criminal, my four comrades and I; but we have all engaged,
upon oath, to confess nothing except we be bastinadoed; so that if
you would know our crime, you need only order us to be bastinadoed,
and begin with me." Backbac would have spoken, but was not allowed to
do so, and the robber was put under the bastinado.
[Illustration]
The robber, being under the bastinado, had the courage to bear twenty
or thirty blows: when, pretending to be overcome with pain, he first
opened one eye, and then the other, and crying out for mercy, begged
the judge would put a stop to the blows. The judge, perceiving that
he looked upon him with his eyes open, was much surprised, and said
to him, "rogue, what is the meaning of this miracle?" "Sir," replied
the robber, "I will discover to you an important secret, if you will
pardon me, and give me, as a pledge that you will keep your word, the
seal-ring which you have on your finger." The judge consented, gave
him his ring, and promised him pardon. "Under this promise," continued
the robber, "I must confess to you, sir, that I and my four comrades
do all see very well. We feigned ourselves to be blind, that we might
freely enter people's houses, and women's apartments, where we abuse
their weakness. I must farther confess to you, that by this trick we
have gained together ten thousand dirhems: this day I demanded of my
partners two thousand that belonged to my share, but they refused,
because I told them I would leave them, and they were afraid I should
accuse them. Upon my pressing still to have my share, they fell upon
me; for which I appeal to those people who brought us before you. I
expect from your justice, sir, that you will make them deliver me the
two thousand dirhems which are my due; and if you have a mind that my
comrades should confess the truth, you must order them three times as
many blows as I have had, and you will find they will open their eyes
as well as I have done." Backbac, and the other three blind men, would
have cleared themselves of this horrid charge, but the judge would not
hear them; "villains," said he, "do you feign yourselves blind then,
and, under that pretext of moving their compassion, cheat people, and
commit such crimes?" "He is an impostor," cried Backbac, "and we take
God to witness that none of us can see." All that Backbac could say was
in vain, his comrades and he received each of them two hundred blows.
The judge expected them to open their eyes, and ascribed to their
obstinacy what really they could not do; all the while the robber said
to the blind men, "_Poor fools that you are, open your eyes, and do
not suffer yourselves to be beaten to death._" Then addressing himself
to the judge, said, "I perceive, sir, that they will be maliciously
obstinate to the last, and will never open their eyes. They wish
certainly to avoid the shame of reading their own condemnation in the
face of every one that looks upon them; it were better, if you think
fit, to pardon them, and to send some person along with me for the ten
thousand dirhems they have hidden."
The judge consented to give the robber two thousand dirhems, and kept
the rest himself; and as for Backbac and his three companions, he
thought he shewed them pity by sentencing them only to be banished.
[Illustration]
POINT V.
THE CONSULTATION.
_A Scene from "Peregrine Pickle."_
Among those who frequented the pump-room at Bath, was an old officer,
whose temper, naturally impatient, was, by repeated attacks of
the gout, which had almost deprived him of the use of his limbs,
sublimated into a remarkable degree of virulence and perverseness:
he imputed the inveteracy of his distemper to the mal-practice of
a surgeon who had administered to him, while he laboured under the
consequences of an unfortunate amour; and this supposition had
inspired him with an insurmountable antipathy to all the professors
of the medical art, which was more and more confirmed by the
information of a friend at London, who had told him, that it was
a common practice among the physicians at Bath to dissuade their
patients from drinking the water, that the cure, and in consequence
their attendance, might be longer protracted.
Thus prepossessed, he had come to Bath, and, conformable to a few
general instructions he had received, used the waters without
any farther direction, taking all occasions of manifesting his
hatred and contempt of the sons of Æsculapius, both by speech and
gesticulations, and even by pursuing a regimen quite contrary to
that which he knew they prescribed to others who seemed to be exactly
in his condition. But he did not find his account in this method, how
successful soever it may have been in other cases. His complaints,
instead of vanishing, were every day more and more enraged; and at
length he was confined to his bed, where he lay blaspheming from morn
to night, and from night to morn, though still more determined than
ever to adhere to his former maxims.
In the midst of his torture, which was become the common joke of the
town, being circulated through the industry of the physicians, who
triumphed in his disaster, Peregrine, by means of Mr. Pipes, employed
a country fellow, who had come to market, to run with great haste,
early one morning, to the lodgings of all the doctors in town, and
desire them to attend the colonel with all imaginable despatch.
In consequence of this summons, the whole faculty put themselves
in motion; and three of the foremost arriving at the same instant
of time, far from complimenting one another with the door, each
separately essayed to enter, and the whole triumvirate stuck in the
passage; while they remained thus wedged together, they descried two
of their brethren posting towards the same goal, with all the speed
that God had enabled them to exert; upon which they came to a parley,
and agreed to stand by one another. This covenant being made, they
disentangled themselves, and, inquiring about the patient, were told
by the servant that he had just fallen asleep.
Having received this intelligence, they took possession of his
antichamber, and shut the door, while the rest of the tribe posted
themselves on the outside as they arrived; so that the whole passage
was filled, from the top of the stair-case to the street-door; and
the people of the house, together with the colonel's servant, struck
dumb with astonishment. The three leaders of this learned gang had no
sooner made their lodgement good, than they began to consult about
the patient's malady, which every one of them pretended to have
considered with great care and assiduity. The first who gave his
opinion said, the distemper was an obstinate arthritis; the second
affirmed, that it was no other than a confirmed lues; and the third
swore it was an inveterate scurvy. This diversity of opinions was
supported by a variety of quotations from medical authors, ancient
as well as modern; but these were not of sufficient authority, or
at least not explicit enough, to decide the dispute; for there are
many schisms in medicine, as well as in religion, and each set can
quote the fathers in support of the tenets they profess. In short,
the contention rose to such a pitch of clamour, as not only alarmed
the brethren on the stair, but also awaked the patient from the
first nap he had enjoyed in the space of ten whole days. Had it been
simply waking, he would have been obliged to them for the noise
that disturbed him; for, in that case, he would have been relieved
from the tortures of hell fire, to which, in his dream, he fancied
himself exposed: but this dreadful vision had been the result of that
impression which was made upon his brain by the intolerable anguish
of his joints; so that when he waked, the pain, instead of being
allayed, was rather aggravated, by a great acuteness of sensation;
and the confused vociferation in the next room invading his ears at
the same time, he began to think his dream was realized, and, in
the pangs of despair, applied himself to a bell that stood by his
bedside, which he rung with great violence and perseverance.
This alarm put an immediate stop to the disputation of the three
doctors, who, upon this notice of his being awake, rushed into his
chamber without ceremony; and two of them seizing his arms, the third
made the like application to one of his temples. Before the patient
could recollect himself from the amazement which had laid hold on
him at this unexpected irruption, the room was filled by the rest of
the faculty, who followed the servant that entered in obedience to
his master's call; and the bed was in a moment surrounded by these
gaunt ministers of death. The colonel seeing himself beset with such
an assemblage of solemn visages and figures, which he had always
considered with the utmost detestation and abhorrence, was incensed
to a most inexpressible degree of indignation; and so inspirited
by his rage, that, though his tongue denied its office, his other
limbs performed their functions: he disengaged himself from the
triumvirate, who had taken possession of his body, sprung out of bed
with incredible agility, and, seizing one of his crutches, applied it
so effectually to one of the three, just as he stooped to examine the
patient's water, that his tye-periwig dropped into the pot, while he
himself fell motionless on the floor.
This significant explanation disconcerted the whole fraternity; every
man turned his face, as if it were by instinct, towards the door;
and the retreat of the community being obstructed by the efforts
of individuals, confusion and tumultuous uproar ensued: for the
colonel, far from limiting his prowess to the first exploit, handled
his weapon with astonishing vigour and dexterity, without respect
of persons; so that few or none of them had escaped without marks
of his displeasure, when his spirits failed, and he sunk down again
quite exhausted on his bed. Favoured by this respite, the discomfited
faculty collected their hats and wigs, which had fallen off in the
fray; and perceiving the assailant too much enfeebled to renew the
attack, set up their throats altogether, and loudly threatened to
prosecute him severely for such an outrageous assault.
[Illustration]
By this time the landlord had interposed; and inquiring into the
cause of the disturbance, was informed of what had happened by the
complainants, who, at the same time, giving him to understand that
they had been severally summoned to attend the colonel that morning,
he assured them, that they had been imposed upon by some wag, for his
lodger had never dreamed of consulting any one of their profession.
Thunderstruck at this declaration, the general clamour
instantaneously ceased; and each, in particular, at once
comprehending the nature of the joke, they sneaked silently off with
the loss they had sustained, in unutterable shame and mortification,
while Peregrine and his friend, who took care to be passing that
way by accident, made a full stop at sight of such an extraordinary
efflux, and enjoyed the countenance and condition of every one as
he appeared; nay, even made up to some of those who seemed most
affected with their situation, and mischievously tormented them with
questions touching this unusual congregation; then, in consequence
of the information they received from the landlord and the colonel's
valet, subjected the sufferers to the ridicule of all the company
in town. As it would have been impossible for the authors of the
farce to keep themselves concealed from the indefatigable inquiries
of the physicians, they made no secret of their having directed the
whole; though they took care to own it in such an ambiguous manner as
afforded no handle of prosecution.
[Illustration]
POINT VI.
THE DINNER.
_A Scene from "Peregrine Pickle."_
Peregrine, by his insinuating behaviour, acquired the full confidence
of the doctor, who invited him to an entertainment, which he intended
to prepare in the manner of the ancients. Pickle, struck with this
idea, eagerly embraced the proposal, which he honoured with many
encomiums, as a plan in all respects worthy of his genius and
apprehension; and the day was appointed at some distance of time,
that the treater might have leisure to compose certain pickles
and confections, which were not to be found among the culinary
preparations of these degenerate days.
With a view of rendering the physician's taste more conspicuous,
and extracting from it more diversion, Peregrine proposed that some
foreigners should partake of the banquet; and the task being left to
his care and discretion, he actually bespoke the company of a French
marquis, an Italian count, and a German baron, whom he knew to be
most egregious coxcombs, and therefore more likely to enhance the joy
of the entertainment.
Accordingly, the hour being arrived, he conducted them to the hotel
where the physician lodged, after having regaled their expectations
with an elegant meal in the genuine old Roman taste; and they were
received by Mr. Pallet, who did the honours of the house, while his
friend superintended the cook below. By this communicative painter, the
guests understood that the doctor had met with numerous difficulties
in the execution of his design; that no fewer than five cooks had been
dismissed, because they could not prevail upon their own consciences
to obey his directions in things that were contrary to the present
practice of their art; and that although he had at last engaged a
person, by an extraordinary premium, to comply with his orders, the
fellow was so astonished, mortified, and incensed, at the commands he
had received, that his hair stood on end, and he begged on his knees
to be released from the agreement he had made; but finding that his
employer insisted upon the performance of his contract, and threatened
to introduce him to the commissaire, if he should flinch from the
bargain, he had, in the discharge of his office, wept, sung, cursed,
and capered, for two hours without intermission.
While the company listened to this odd information, by which they
were prepossessed with strange notions of the dinner, their ears
were invaded by a piteous voice, that exclaimed in French, "For the
love of God! dear sir! for the passion of Jesus Christ! spare me the
mortification of the honey and oil!" Their ears still vibrated with
the sound, when the doctor entering, was by Peregrine made acquainted
with the strangers, to whom he, in the transports of his wrath, could
not help complaining of the want of complaisance he had found in the
Parisian vulgar, by which his plan had been almost entirely ruined and
set aside. The French marquis, who thought the honour of his nation
was concerned at this declaration, professed his sorrow for what had
happened, so contrary to the established character of the people, and
undertook to see the delinquents severely punished, provided he could
be informed of their names or places of abode. The mutual compliments
that passed on this occasion were scarce finished, when a servant
coming into the room, announced dinner; and the entertainer led the
way into another apartment, where they found a long table, or rather
two boards joined together, and furnished with a variety of dishes,
the steams of which had such evident effect upon the nerves of the
company, that the marquis made frightful grimaces, under pretence of
taking snuff; the Italian's eyes watered, the German's visage underwent
several distortions of feature; our hero found means to exclude the
odour from his sense of smelling, by breathing only through his mouth;
and the poor painter, running into another room, plugged his nostrils
with tobacco. The doctor himself, who was the only person then present
whose organs were not discomposed, pointing to a couple of couches
placed on each side of the table, told his guests that he was sorry
he could not procure the exact triclinia of the ancients, which were
somewhat different from these conveniences, and desired they would
have the goodness to repose themselves without ceremony, each in his
respective couchette, while he and his friend Mr. Pallet would place
themselves upright at the ends, that they might have the pleasure of
serving those that lay along. This disposition, of which the strangers
had no previous idea, disconcerted and perplexed them in a most
ridiculous manner; the marquis and baron stood bowing to each other, on
pretence of disputing the lower seat, but, in reality, with a view of
profiting by the example of each other: for neither of them understood
the manner in which they were to loll; and Peregrine, who enjoyed their
confusion, handed the count to the other side, where, with the most
mischievous politeness, he insisted upon his taking possession of the
upper place.
In this disagreeable and ludicrous suspense, they continued acting
a pantomime of gesticulations, until the doctor earnestly entreated
them to wave all compliment and form, lest the dinner should be
spoiled before the ceremonial could be adjusted. Thus conjured,
Peregrine took the lower couch on the left-hand side, laying himself
gently down, with his face towards the table. The marquis, in
imitation of this pattern, (though he would have much rather fasted
three days than run the risk of discomposing his dress by such an
attitude,) stretched himself upon the opposite place, reclining upon
his elbow in a most painful and awkward situation, with his head
raised above the end of the couch, that the economy of his hair might
not suffer by the projection of his body. The Italian, being a thin
limber creature, planted himself next to Pickle, without sustaining
any misfortune, but that of his stocking being torn by a ragged
nail of the seat, as he raised his legs on a level with the rest
of his limbs. But the baron, who was neither so wieldy nor supple
in his joints as his companions, flounced himself down with such
precipitation, that his feet, suddenly tilting up, came in furious
contact with the head of the marquis, and demolished every curl in a
twinkling, while his own skull, at the same instant, descended upon
the side of his couch with such violence, that his periwig was struck
off, and the whole room filled with pulvilio.
The drollery of distress that attended this disaster entirely
vanquished the affected gravity of our young gentleman, who was obliged
to suppress his laughter by cramming his handkerchief into his mouth;
for the bareheaded German asked pardon with such ridiculous confusion,
and the marquis admitted his apology with such rueful complaisance, as
were sufficient to awaken the mirth of a quietist.
This misfortune being repaired, as well as the circumstances of
the occasion would permit, and every one settled according to the
arrangement already described, the doctor graciously undertook to
give some account of the dishes as they occurred, that the company
might be directed in their choice; and, with an air of infinite
satisfaction, thus began:--"This here, gentlemen, is a boiled goose,
served up in a sauce composed of pepper, lovage, coriander, mint,
rue, anchovies, and oil. I wish for your sakes, gentlemen, it was one
of the geese of Ferrara, so much celebrated among the ancients for
the magnitude of their livers, one of which is said to have weighed
upwards of two pounds; with this food, exquisite as it was, did the
tyrant Heliogabalus regale his hounds. But I beg pardon, I had almost
forgot the soup, which I hear is so necessary an article at all
tables in France. At each end there are dishes of the salacacabia of
the Romans; one is made of parsley, pennyroyal, cheese, pine-tops,
honey, vinegar, brine, eggs, cucumbers, onions, and hen livers; the
other is much the same as the soup-maigre of this country. Then
there is a loin of boiled veal with fennel and carraway seed, on a
pottage composed of pickle, oil, honey, and flour, and a curious
hashis of the lights, liver, and blood of a hare, together with a
dish of roasted pigeons. Monsieur le Baron, shall I help you to a
plate of this soup?" The German, who did not at all disapprove of
the ingredients, assented to the proposal, and seemed to relish the
composition; while the marquis, being asked by the painter which
of the sillykickabys he chose, was, in consequence of his desire,
accommodated with a portion of the soup-maigre; and the count,
in lieu of spoon meat, of which he said he was no great admirer,
supplied himself with a pigeon, therein conforming to the choice of
our young gentleman, whose example he determined to follow through
the whole course of the entertainment.
The Frenchman, having swallowed the first spoonful, made a full
pause, his throat swelled as if an egg had stuck in his gullet,
his eyes rolled, and his mouth underwent a series of involuntary
contractions and dilations. Pallet, who looked steadfastly at this
connoisseur, with a view of consulting his taste, before he himself
would venture upon the soup, began to be disturbed at these emotions,
and observed, with some concern, that the poor gentleman seemed to
be going into a fit; when Peregrine assured him, that these were
symptoms of ecstacy, and, for further confirmation, asked the marquis
how he found the soup. It was with infinite difficulty that his
complaisance could so far master his disgust, as to enable him to
answer, "altogether excellent, upon my honour!" and the painter,
being certified of his approbation, lifted the spoon to his mouth
without scruple; but far from justifying the eulogium of his taster,
when this precious composition diffused itself upon his palate, he
seemed to be deprived of all sense and motion, and sat like the
leaden statue of some river god, with the liquor flowing out at both
sides of his mouth.
The doctor, alarmed at this indecent phenomenon, earnestly inquired
into the cause of it; and when Pallet recovered his recollection,
and swore that he would rather swallow porridge made of burning
brimstone than such an infernal mess as that which he had tasted,
the physician, in his own vindication, assured the company, that,
except the usual ingredients, he had mixed nothing in the soup but
some sal ammoniac, instead of the ancient nitrum, which could not now
be procured; and appealed to the marquis, whether such a succedaneum
was not an improvement on the whole. The unfortunate petit maître,
driven to the extremity of his condescension, acknowledged it to
be a masterly refinement; and deeming himself obliged, in point of
honour, to evince his sentiments by his practice, forced a few more
mouthfuls of this disagreeable potion down his throat, till his
stomach was so much offended, that he was compelled to start up of
a sudden; and, in the hurry of his elevation, overturned his plate
into the bosom of the baron. The emergency of his occasions would not
permit him to stay and make apologies for this abrupt behaviour; so
that he flew into another apartment, where Pickle found him puking,
and crossing himself with great devotion; and a chair, at his desire,
being brought to the door, he slipped into it more dead than alive,
conjuring his friend Pickle to make his peace with the company, and
in particular excuse him to the baron, on account of the violent
fit of illness with which he had been seized. It was not without
reason that he employed a mediator; for when our hero returned to
the dining-room, the German had got up, and was under the hands
of his own lacquey, who wiped the grease from a rich embroidered
waistcoat, while he, almost frantic with his misfortune, stamped
upon the ground, and in High Dutch cursed the unlucky banquet,
and the impertinent entertainer, who all this time, with great
deliberation, consoled him for the disaster, by assuring him, that
the damage might be repaired with some oil of turpentine and a hot
iron. Peregrine, who could scarce refrain from laughing in his face,
appeased his indignation, by telling him how much the whole company,
and especially the marquis, was mortified at the accident; and the
unhappy salacacabia being removed, the places were filled with two
pyes, one of dormice, liquored with syrup of white poppies, which the
doctor had substituted in the room of roasted poppy-seed, formerly
eaten with honey, as a dessert; and the other composed of a hock of
pork baked in honey.
Pallet, hearing the first of these dishes described, lifted up
his hands and eyes, and, with signs of loathing and amazement,
pronounced, "A pye made of dormice and syrup of poppies! Lord
in heaven! what beastly fellows those Romans were!" His friend
checked him for his irreverent exclamation with a severe look, and
recommended the veal, of which he himself cheerfully ate, with
such encomiums to the company, that the baron resolved to imitate
his example, after having called for a bumper of Burgundy, which
the physician, for his sake, wished to have been the true wine of
Falernum. The painter, seeing nothing else upon the table which he
would venture to touch, made a merit of necessity, and had recourse
to the veal also; although he could not help saying, that he would
not give one slice of the roast beef of Old England for all the
dainties of a Roman emperor's table. But all the doctor's invitations
and assurances could not prevail upon his guests to honour the
hashis and the goose; and that course was succeeded by another, in
which he told them there were divers of those dishes, which,
among the ancients, had obtained the appellation of _politeles_, or
magnificent. "That which smokes in the middle", said he, "is a sow's
stomach, filled with a composition of minced pork, hog's brains,
eggs, pepper, cloves, garlic, aniseed, rue, ginger, oil, wine, and
pickle. On the right-hand side are the teats and belly of a sow, just
farrowed, fried with sweet wine, oil, flour, lovage, and pepper.
On the left is a fricassee of snails, fed, or rather purged, with
milk. At that end next Mr. Pallet, are fritters of pompions, lovage,
origanum, and oil; and here are a couple of pullets, roasted and
stuffed in the manner of Apicius."
[Illustration]
The painter, who had by wry faces testified his abhorrence of the
sow's stomach, which he compared to a bagpipe, and the snails which
had undergone purgation, no sooner heard him mention the roasted
pullets, than he eagerly solicited a wing of the fowl; upon which
the doctor desired he would take the trouble of cutting them up, and
accordingly sent them round, while Mr. Pallet tucked the table-cloth
under his chin, and brandished his knife and fork with singular
address; but scarce were they set down before him, when the tears ran
down his cheeks, and he called aloud, in manifest disorder,--"Zounds!
this is the essence of a whole bed of garlic!" That he might not,
however, disappoint or disgrace the entertainer, he applied his
instruments to one of the birds; and, when he opened up the cavity,
was assaulted by such an irruption of intolerable smells, that,
without staying to disengage himself from the cloth, he sprung away,
with an exclamation of "Lord Jesus!" and involved the whole table in
havoc, ruin, and confusion.