Women are our only leisure class. This has been so often repeated that
it scarcely matters to whom the credit of the saying must be given.
In this country the burden of social work rests upon women, while in
all European countries, men, young and old, statesmen, officials,
princes, ambassadors, make it one of the duties of life to visit, leave
cards and take up all the numerous burdens of the social world.
Here it is the lady of the house that does all this. Husbands, fathers,
sons, are all too much engrossed in the pursuit of business or pleasure
to spend time in these multifarious cares. Mrs. John Sherwood says:
“They cannot even spend time to make their dinner calls. ‘Mamma, please
leave my cards,’ is the legend written on their banners.”
Influence of Women.
The wonderful influence of women of culture and fashion, with their
“happy ways of doing things” in the political, as well as the social
world, is as great now in Washington as it ever was in Paris, in the
palmiest days of the Imperial _Salon_.
The graces and the courtesies of life are in their hands. It is women
who create society. It is women from whom etiquette is learned, not
from association with men. The height of a stage of civilization can
always be measured by the amount of deference paid to woman. The
culture of a particular man can be gauged by his manner when in the
company of ladies.
Primitive man made women do all the hard work of life, bear all the
burdens, eat of the leavings, and be the servants of the tribe.
Civilized man, on the other hand, gives precedence to woman in every
particular. He serves her first, he gives her places of comfort and
safety, he rises to assist her at every opportunity, and we measure his
culture by sins of omission, or commission, along this line.
Thus, all these small observances not only conduce to the comfort of
woman, but they refine and do away with the rough and selfish side of
man’s nature, for without this refining contact with gentle womanhood,
a man will never lose the innate roughness with which nature has
endowed him.
It is women, as before said, who create etiquette, and Burke tells us
that “manners are of more importance than laws.” A fine manner is the
“open sesame” that admits us to the audience chamber of the world. It
is the magic wand at whose touch all barriers dissolve.
Effect of Cultured Manners.
“Give a boy address and accomplishments and you give him the mastery
of palaces and fortunes wherever he goes. He has not the trouble of
earning or owning them; they solicit him to enter and possess.”
Whatever enjoyment we obtain from our daily intercourse with others is
through our obedience to the laws of etiquette, which govern the whole
machinery of society, and it is largely to women with their leisure,
and their tact, that we must look to create and sustain the social
fabric.
“To know her is a liberal education,” was the stately compliment once
paid a woman, and there are women left to whom it still applies.
As Emerson says in his essay upon “Manners:” “Are there not women who
inspire us with courtesy; who unloose our tongues, and we speak; who
anoint our eyes, and we see? We say things we never thought to have
said. For once, our walls of habitual reserve vanished and left us
at large; we were children playing with children in a wide field of
flowers. Steep us, we cried, in these influences for days, for weeks,
and we shall be sunny poets and write out in many-colored words the
romance that you are.”
The successful society woman has a genius for leadership. She molds and
makes what she will of her surroundings. She undervalues the talents of
no one; she rather draws out and makes the most of every one with whom
she comes in contact.
She is quiet, she is reposeful, she has the tact that puts every one
with whom she meets at ease, and, above all, she is sympathetic. A
judiciously expressed sympathy with our fellow-beings is one of the
highest attributes of our nature.
“Unite sympathy to observation and the dead spring to life.” It is tact
to so express that sympathy as not to seem aware of the weakness that
we would support and conceal from others. Madame Récamier had this gift
of hidden sympathy, this power of drawing out the best that was in
those who approached her. To this gift it was that she owed that power
over all men which survived her wonderful beauty.
A Sympathetic Nature.
It was not her wit, for with this she was not so greatly endowed;
it was not alone her beauty, for the eminent men and women of the
day followed her when, blind and poor, she sought the solitude of
the abbey; but it was the delicate tendrils of her sympathy and the
steadfastness of her friendship that drew towards her all hearts, and
molded and welded her company of followers into one of the most perfect
and powerful social circles that has ever surrounded any society leader.
Many an awkward situation has been saved by feminine tact. There was
the cabinet-member’s wife who drank out of her finger-bowl because
her guest, a senator, had done so. And the general’s wife who, when
a clumsy tea drinker smashed a priceless cup, picked up another of
the fragile affairs and crushed it between her fingers with a “They
do break easily, don’t they?” And the woman who, when M. Blanc was
mistaken at an English garden party for a page, replied, “Well, M.
Blanc is a page—of history.”
This tact is in great measure a natural gift, but it can be
cultivated, and is well worth the trouble. Nothing can be so utterly
painful in society as the tactless person who is perpetually “doing
those things which he ought not to have done, and leaving undone those
things which he ought to have done.”
The art of conversation, too, is worth cultivating. A woman, noted
among her friends for her delightful letters and as delightful gifts of
conversation, was asked how she managed it.
“Frankly,” was the reply, “I strive for it. When I see in a book or
hear anywhere a happy phrase, or a telling sentence, I make a mental
note of it, and watch for an opportunity to incorporate it in my
own speech or written word. I don’t mean I appropriate other folks’
ideas in wholesale fashion, but I do steal or utilize their knack of
expression. Another point I make is never to permit myself to speak
carelessly, that is, slovenly, any more than I let my hair be untidy
or my gowns mud-stained. It does not seem to me frivolous or bestowing
too much care on trifles to take this small pains for my betterment. I
pin a flower on my dress for a bit of color, or adjust a bow where I
know it is becoming; why should I not apply the decorative idea to my
speech?”
Power through Repose.
Cultivate repose of manner. Be calm and restful. Do not fidget. Command
of the tongue is a valuable accomplishment to cultivate. Many a young
girl is actually fidgety, because she thinks to be a success she must
be “full of life” and always “on the go.” She wants to be bright and
vivacious. If such is her temperament and her vivaciousness comes
spontaneously it is perhaps attractive, though it is very likely to get
tiresome.
Nine out of ten women would be twice as attractive if they would learn
to keep still and thus gain the full social value of this ability.
Especially is this true of young girls. When a young man is introduced,
why plunge at him with a volley of phrases? An effect is made twice as
quickly if his look is met with steady, quiet eyes, a few words spoken
in a gentle, sincere voice, and a chance given him. Presumably, he
requested the introduction, and so, probably, he has something to say.
Anyway, he is likely to have, if you are serene and quiet.
A habit of repose will save from many a blunder. When a man, one does
not remember, plunges into a conversation, the habit of repose enables
one to keep an unmoved and quiet demeanor until something is said that
will “place” him. To be in a hurry to speak is to betray oneself, and
embarrassment ensues on both sides.
This command of quiet is also a protection against tiresome, talkative,
people. It enables one to preserve an air of kindly attention, while
one’s thoughts, free and untrammeled, roam at their own sweet will,
drifting back just in time to utter an appreciative affirmative, or
negative.
A Good Listener.
This repose of manner is a boon to the shy and awkward man, who, under
its influence, actually acquires some confidence in himself, which
is simply impossible when he is bombarded with a volley of vivacious
conversation.
Learn to be a good listener, a sympathetic and interested listener, and
the majority of people will pronounce you “interesting.” If the partner
assigned you at a dinner party seems to have no topic in common with
your thought, strive to find out what does interest him; a few skillful
questions, and he is launched on a tide of talk, at his ease, even
brilliant, and all that is needed on your part is to appear interested.
Whether you understand the subject, or care for it, is another
question; you have established your place in that man’s estimation,
and he will ever thereafter have a word of praise when your name is
mentioned.
There are women who are themselves not fluent, and who enjoy being
talked to, to be spared the trouble of “making conversation.” With
these women it is the ready talker who finds favor. But there is
another class of women quite as large who love to talk, and to them the
good listener is welcome; therefore, let the man who wishes to talk
choose his audience with discretion.
Madame Récamier liked to be talked to, and was so sympathetic a
listener that the careful student of her times is forced to conclude
that was one of the chiefest of her charms, but he would have been
a bold man who would have interrupted the flow of Madame de Staël’s
eloquence.
Men are less inclined to certain forms of etiquette than women. Not
that they would be less polite, but, as a rule, they do not attach so
much importance to the little niceties of life, and they are too prone
to lack in certain courtesies which a society man should practice.
How Men are Spoiled.
This process of spoiling begins with the mothers, and ends with the
young women. Women pride themselves upon being independent, and
the result is that the men naturally fall back and let them wait
upon themselves. Women take the lead, women plan entertainments and
excursions, women tolerate neglect, and all of this spoils the men. Be
a woman first and last, and exact all these little courtesies for the
sake of your sex.
Says a well-known lady: “I remember a thing that impressed me very
much, and made me ashamed of my own sons whom I have always waited
upon, I am sorry to say. We had as guests a gentleman, wife and son,
the latter about thirteen. In the morning there was a parade; the
gentleman and his wife went, while I stayed at home with another
relative. The boys came in to luncheon, and then as I was going
up-town, Harry, our visitor, put up his wheel, brushed his clothes, and
announced that he was ready to escort me. I assured him that we did
not need him, to run along with the other boys, but he would not hear
of it. He opened the gates, carried my umbrella, and stayed with me
until he saw me safe at home. I complimented him to his mother, but she
assured me that he would never have thought of doing anything else, for
when the father could not accompany her, Harry had been taught to do
so. I had always assured my boys that I could take care of myself, but
I wish now I had made them take care of me.”