Jean Paul Richter, in his great work on education (_Levana_), intimates
that we scarcely realize the momentous possibilities that lie all about
us folded up in the heart of childhood, as the blushing petals of the
beauteous blossom yet to be lie folded close within the sheltering
calyx.
“Do you know,” he queries, “whether the little boy who plucks flowers
at your side may not one day, from his island of Corsica, descend as a
war-god into a stormy universe to play with hurricanes for destruction,
or to purify and plant the world with harvests?” And just because we do
not know the extent of these possibilities, children must be carefully
trained to fill whatever post or province may be theirs in the time to
come.
Now, they are in our hands to mold as we will; then, they will be the
masters, and much of the character of their sway will depend upon the
guidance of the present. Viewed in this light, the manners and the
morals of children, closely associated as they are, become of the
greatest importance to the world.
Power of Example.
Teach the embryo man or woman, in the nursery, the traits, the habits,
the customs of the best etiquette, and you have stamped upon them, at
an age when the character is impressible as wax, not only the outer
semblance, but, in a great degree, the inner reality, of a true man or
woman.
Let the children grow up in a home where rude gestures, or ill-tempered
words are unknown, where truthfulness, kindliness, forgetfulness
of self and careful consideration of others, permeates the very
atmosphere, and they will go forth into the world armed with the
integrity in which all men may trust, the polish that will win them
admiration, and the true refinement that will render their friendship
elevating.
See, also, that there is perfect unanimity between the parents as
to the government and instruction of the children in the household,
and, if any difference should arise, it should be settled in private.
Children, being strongly imitative, are best taught by example. Never
reprove unless absolutely necessary, and never let the voice rise
excitedly to ensure obedience. By keeping your own voice low and calm,
you do much toward lowering the key of their high-pitched, childish
treble, and soothing the troubled waters of their souls.
Keeping Promises.
Never permit yourself to threaten where you do not perform; children
are quick to learn the value of your promises, and place very accurate
estimates, in their own minds, as to what their parents will, or will
not do under given circumstances. Absolute truthfulness can never be
taught a child by precept, when by constant example he is taught that
the word of his parents has little or no value in his own case, so far
as threats and punishments, or even rewards, extend. If a punishment is
the penalty for a broken law, see that it is inflicted; if a reward is
promised, be sure that it is given.
Enjoin upon children strict justice in their dealings one with another,
even in their games, never allowing the stronger to impose upon the
weak, but teaching forbearance and tenderness in all their actions.
Talebearing.
Discourage, as far as possible, all talebearing in the home, and, as
a rule, do not listen to complaints, and long recitals of injuries
received from little playfellows. Care in this respect will nip in the
bud the tendency toward exaggeration and talebearing that so early
develops in a child, and so soon matures into the “gossip” of riper
years. This demand for exactitude in childish statements will pave the
way for strictly truthful declarations in the more important affairs
of later life, redounding thus to the lasting benefit of the individual
and the community.
Truthfulness.
The least approach toward prevarication, or concealment of their
childish misdemeanors, should be treated as a grave fault. To prevent,
as far as possible, all attempts at disguising the truth, penalties
for faults should rarely be of so severe a nature that the little
transgressor resorts to evasion through fear of the consequences.
Respectfulness.
Children should be taught to be respectful toward their parents and
others older than themselves, to be polite towards those of their own
age, and very thoughtful for the comfort of the sick and weak. Respect
must also be shown toward servants and dependants, and no unnecessary
demands made upon their time or services.
Obedience.
Prompt obedience should always be demanded of a child, and the spirit
of murmuring and questioning firmly repressed. None can command except
they have first learned to obey.
Do not allow children to tease, nor, having once refused on good and
sufficient ground, suffer your consent to be gained by siege. Make your
refusal final, but do not refuse thoughtlessly, or for mere caprice.
The wishes of a child are as real to him as those of grown people are
to them.
Manner of Address.
Rudeness and abruptness must never be tolerated in the manners of a
child. “Yes,” and “no,” in reply, and “what?” in interrogatory, are
uncouth and disagreeable in sound. “Yes, sir,” “Yes, ma’am,” and
“What, ma’am,” are much better substituted, but even these are open to
criticism. English etiquette relegates “Sir” and “Ma’am” to the use of
servants, save in case of addressing the higher nobility when “Sir” is
sometimes used.
[Illustration: THE NURSERY.]
The better and more graceful etiquette of the day would teach a child
to say, “Yes, mamma,” “No, papa;” or a student at school to address the
teachers as, “Yes, Prof. Stanley,” “No, Miss Livingstone.” If they fail
to understand a remark, a quick, “Beg pardon,” or, “I beg your pardon,”
or even, “I did not understand,” can soon be taught to even childish
lips and never be forgotten as they advance to maturity. The use of
“Please,” and “Thank you,” or, “I thank you,” (never the thankless
“Thanks,”) should be early impressed upon their minds.
Teach them never to speak of grown people without prefixing “Mr.”,
“Mrs.”, or “Miss,” to their name. It is very objectionable for a child
to fall into the habit of saying “Brown did so and so,” instead of,
“Mr. Brown, etc.” Insist, too, that at school they shall never say
“Teacher,” but address their preceptor by his proper name.
Impress upon children that they must answer politely when spoken to,
but strictly repress any tendency on their part toward questioning
visitors at the house. Here let it be added, for the benefit of their
elders, that nothing can be a surer evidence of ill-breeding than for a
grown person to question a child in regard to his family affairs.
Interrupting Conversation.
Never permit children to interrupt the conversation of their elders,
and see, as a preparation for this, that among the little ones
themselves, one who has a story to tell is permitted to finish without
an impatient brother or sister breaking in with his, or her, version
of the same tale. See that each has his turn and many of the noisy
disagreements of the playroom will thus be done away with.
Insist, too, upon the lowering of each eager little voice, and a long
step will have been taken toward doing away with the high-keyed voices
and the all-talking-together habits that afflict so many of their
elders.
See, too, that the children, while not allowed to interrupt the
conversation of grown persons, receive in some degree the same
consideration from them. In other words, let the children talk
sometimes, and listen to them sincerely and respectfully. There is
no better way to train a child in courtesy than to observe toward it
the most scrupulous politeness, and a child whose own conversation is
respected can be easily taught to respect the conversation of others,
and to know when to talk and when to be silent.
This habit of listening, inculcated in childhood, will do much toward
forming agreeable members of society in after years. If a guest should
converse with a child for a moment, watch that it does not make itself
tiresome by engaging his or her entire attention.
“Showing Off.”
Never “show off” children to visitors. It fosters in them a feeling
of vanity, and is often very tedious to the persons upon whom it is
inflicted, it being barely possible that your own estimate of their
brilliancy is not shared by outsiders.
Neither should strangers be allowed, under any circumstances, at home
or abroad, to tease a child “just for fun.” Its angry answers may be
amusing, but the practice is one that works irreparable injury to the
child. As soon as this tendency is discovered in a visitor, send the
child quietly, but firmly, from the room, remarking casually, when it
is gone, “that children are apt to be troublesome when they talk too
much.”
Reproof Before Others.
Never, unless it is absolutely unavoidable, reprove a child in
the presence of strangers. To do this injures their feeling of
self-respect. It is an annoyance to the visitor also. While it
frequently happens that a word of timely admonition is necessary, all
extended reproof should be left until alone with the child.
Cleanliness and Order.
Insist upon cleanliness in dress, and teach the children early that
their hair should be combed, their teeth and finger-nails clean, and
their clothing fresh and neat upon all occasions.
Teach the boys that their shoes should be polished and free from dust,
and their clothes thoroughly brushed. Slippers should be furnished boys
for house wear, and the importance of using a doormat before entering
should be early impressed upon both girls and boys. Teach them also
order and care as to their personal belongings, and the lessons of
neatness thus early inculcated will be of untold value in their after
life.
Home Hints.
Cultivate in children the habit of assuming pleasing attitudes. Do not
let them constantly lounge about over chairs, couches and tables, and
their company manners will not then be a terror in the house. Teach
them the proper use of a handkerchief, and insist that they observe it.
Instruct them what to do with their hands and feet, never twisting the
former, or swinging the latter. Never permit them to scratch the head
or person, to clean ears or finger nails, or to use a toothpick in
public. Teach them to suppress a yawn or to conceal the mouth with the
hand.
Do not let them pass in front of people in a room, or, if from the
arrangement of the furniture it is impossible to avoid so doing, let
them ask to be excused.
If they should accidently tread upon the toes, or otherwise disturb a
guest, teach them at once to apologize with an “Excuse me,” or, “I beg
your pardon.” Do not permit them to slam doors, or to shout up and down
stairs. Never allow requests or messages to be called from one end of
the house to the other; insist upon a child coming into the room with
whatever he or she may have to say.
Impress upon boys and girls not to stare at others, nor to take any
apparent notice of personal peculiarities, deformities, or oddities
of dress or demeanor. Teach the children always to play a fair game
upon the playground, and not to lose their tempers over any little
difference of opinion that may arise during its course.
Do not allow them to be cruel in their treatment of animals; to do so,
is to deliberately teach them habits of cruelty for a lifetime and
render them brutal in disposition.
“Visiting.”
Children should not be allowed to “visit” other children solely upon
the request of the children. The invitation should come from the
parents. Otherwise great annoyance may result from such unconsidered
calls.
Do not take children while making formal visits. They are often an
annoyance, and always a check upon conversation. If they must be taken,
do not allow them to meddle with anything in the room, nor to interrupt
the conversation. Neither should they be permitted to handle the
belongings, or finger the attire, of callers at the house. Do not take
them to art galleries, artist’s or sculptor’s studios, and never allow
them to meddle with goods in stores.
Slang, Profanity, Intemperance.
Slang should be eliminated, as much as possible, from the household
vocabulary. Boys should be taught that profanity, or vulgarity in
expression, far from being manly, only lowers them in the estimation of
all sensible people.
It should also be early impressed upon them that there is danger in the
use of liquor in any form, as well as folly in falling into the tobacco
habit.
At Table.
Punctuality at the table should be taught first of all. The little
table observances so necessary to refinement of manner should be early
inculcated. Table manners (see proper department) should be taught at
the earliest age that the child is capable of appearing at the table.
The proper use of knife, fork, spoon and napkin should be impressed
upon their minds from the first, and much after annoyance will be saved.
Teach them to eat quietly without any noise of mastication, swallowing
or drinking being audible. Insist upon their sitting still while
waiting to be served and not to play with knife, napkin ring or other
small articles on the table.
Insist upon their breaking bread, instead of cutting it, and never to
pick up one piece of bread or cake from the plate and then exchange it
for another.
Teach them to eat fruit properly, to use finger bowls, if such are
provided, and to keep their lips closed as much as possible while
eating. Teach them to pass a pitcher with the handle toward the one
served, and not to eat with one hand and pass some article with the
other.
See that they do not eat too fast—both health and appearances being
considered in this item—and that they do not talk with their mouths
full. Teach them to turn away their heads and cover their mouth with
their hand, if obliged to cough, sneeze or yawn at table, and, as soon
as possible, require them to suppress these exhibitions. Never let them
pick their teeth at the table, or lounge upon it with their elbows
while eating.
Leaving the Table.
If children must leave the table before the meal is over, they should
ask to be excused, and should never rise with their mouth full. When
they have once left the table, do not, as a rule, permit them to
return, for a child soon falls into the habit, if permitted, of leaving
the table to play, and returning to complete his meal.
Teach children not to complain of the food set before them; but, at
the same time, if a child has known likes or dislikes, they should be,
to a certain extent, gratified, since, to some delicately constituted
temperaments, a compelled partaking of some obnoxious dish is a real
torture. Teach them also to acquire a liking for as large a variety of
food as possible. In after life, on many occasions, this may be a great
convenience.
In conclusion, let it be added that the Department on Home Etiquette
should be read in connection with this, especially the section devoted
to children. See to it carefully that children are not taught one code
of manners for company use, and permitted to exercise no manners for
home use.