The style of salutation differs among nations, but there have been none
yet discovered so low in the social scale as to be entirely destitute
of some sign for expressions of respect or fear between man and man.
Fear is, perhaps, the origin of respect, for every form of salutation
among us to-day may be traced back to a source that plainly affirms it
to be the survival of some attitude of deference from the conquered to
the conqueror, or some habit of adoration of an unseen Power.
In our own customs of salutation we bare the head in token of respect,
never thinking that in the olden time it was an act of adoration
practiced before gods and rulers. Our formal bow is simply the
modification of a servile prostration, and the graceful bow of a lady
of society is but the last remaining trace of a genuflection. When we
rise and stand as our friends enter, or leave, our reception-room, it
is an act of respect, it was once an act of homage. The throwing of a
kiss is an imitation of an act of worship that devout Romans practiced
before their gods, and the wave of the hand to a friend across the
street is a modification of the same custom.
The removal of a gentleman’s glove in shaking hands with a lady is
the relic of a habit based on necessity, and dating back to a day
when the knight of old removed his iron gauntlet, lest he crush the
maiden’s hand within its grasp. The removal of the glove was practiced
between men also at a later date, when, too often, beneath the heavily
embroidered gauntlet, lurked the assassin’s dagger, so that to unglove
before a hand-clasp grew to be considered an act of good faith.
The bow, the hand-clasp, and the kiss are the principal methods of
salutation employed by the most highly civilized nations of this era of
the world.
The bow is the most proper salutation among friends and acquaintances
meeting in public. It is also frequently resorted to on private
occasions.
The bow should never degenerate into a nod; this is both ungracious and
ungentlemanly. The hat should be lifted sufficiently to clear the head,
and the bow, in the reception-room, should slightly incline the body
also. Ladies should incline their heads gracefully and smile upon their
friends pleasantly, but not broadly.
Removing the Hat.
A gentleman should remove his hat from his head with the hand farthest
from the person saluted. This turns the hat from instead of towards
them. If you see that the person saluted is going to stop to shake
hands, use the left in order to leave the right free.
A gentleman, in giving assistance to a lady in any difficulty (which
should be offered immediately), should do so courteously, lifting
his hat and requesting the pleasure of assisting her. This rule,
unfortunately, is much more frequently observed on the Continent of
Europe than in England or America.
Gentlemen meeting and passing ladies on hotel stairs, or in the
corridors, should lift their hats, whether acquainted or not. The same
courtesy should be observed on entering an elevator where there are
one or more ladies, or in opening a door for a lady and giving her
precedence in entering.
All these observances, slight as they are, mark the thorough gentleman
who respects all women, whether or not there has been a formal
presentation between them.
In giving up a seat to a lady in a street car, or a crowded room, a
gentleman will do so with a slight bow. Such a kindness should always
be acknowledged by the lady with a bow and a polite “Thank you.”
American women are too prone to take this altogether optional courtesy
on the part of men as a matter of course, deserving no thanks at their
hands, or to look upon its omission as an infringement of their rights.
No true lady will ever fail to acknowledge such courtesies. Any aid
given, or information furnished, should also call forth her thanks.
A gentleman walking with a lady will salute with a bow any person they
may meet to whom she extends the same courtesy, even should the party
be quite unknown to him.
Where two gentlemen are walking together and they chance to meet a lady
with whom one is acquainted and the other not, both should bow, the one
because of his acquaintance and the other out of respect.
The Privilege of Recognition.
A gentleman should usually wait for a lady to recognize him first
on the street. This privilege of recognition is her prerogative.
Especially is this the case if he is simply the acquaintance of a
single evening’s entertainment. Acquaintances of long standing,
however, do not wait for such formalities, usually speaking at about
the same moment.
When a gentleman and lady are walking together and another gentleman,
also a friend of the lady, should meet or overtake the couple, a
bow and smile and a word of greeting are all that can be permitted
the newcomer, when he should at once pass on. By doing otherwise he
affronts the lady’s escort, and should she, by word or look, endeavor
to retain him at her side, she also sins against that conventional code
which argues that by her own consent she has granted her company, for
the time being, to her first escort.
As before said, introductions are not to be given in public places,
but should it happen that a lady walking with a gentleman meet another
lady, and either pause for a few words, or else walk on beside her
for a few steps, the gentleman, at her departure, should lift his hat
politely in farewell.
If a gentleman should stop a lady on the street for conversation, and
she should be desirous of discontinuing it, she should bow slightly,
whereupon the gentleman must instantly take his leave. If she should
walk on without breaking up the conversation, he is bound to accompany
her.
Absolute good form, however, demands that a gentleman, wishing to
converse with a lady on the street, should, instead of stopping her,
turn and walk with her for a short distance in the direction in which
she may be going. When the conversation is finished, he should lift
his hat, bow, wish her “Good morning” or “Good afternoon,” as the case
may be, and retrace his footsteps in the direction in which he was
previously going.
Young ladies show the same deference in awaiting a bow from a woman
much their senior that a gentleman does towards a lady.
A gentleman, in bowing to a lady, if he should be smoking, removes his
cigar from his lips; and if, alas! his hand or hands should be in his
pockets, withdraws them immediately.
Returning Salutations.
A lady’s bow should always be returned by a gentleman; if he should be
determined not to recognize her he should take the pains of crossing
the street or in some other manner avoiding the meeting. Bows from
persons not recognized at the moment should be returned, as it may be
some one, not recalled at the moment, yet who has a claim upon your
politeness.
If the same friend is met several times in the course of a walk or
drive, the first bow is all that is required, a smile, or a glance
answering all purposes of recognition at after meetings.
A gentleman lifts his hat on passing a funeral procession or a group of
mourners; he removes it entirely on entering a church, and he should
remove it on entering a private office; he should remain uncovered
while talking to a lady at a door, unless, after the kindly custom of
French ladies, she should request him to replace his hat, on account of
wind or weather; in short, he should be with uncovered head much more
than American men are apt to be.
Gentlemen, who are acquainted, should lift their hats slightly upon
meeting one another, but should never fail to do so should either one
be walking with a lady. Under such circumstances a simple nod would be
a slight towards her.
A recognition, by bow or smile, is not required from opposite sides of
the street, or across hotel dining rooms. Gentlemen riding or driving,
and having both hands occupied, are not compelled to lift the hat on
bowing.
If saluted by an inferior, do not fail to return the courtesy in kind,
remembering Henry Clay, who, when asked why he lifted his hat to an
old colored man who had paid him the same deference, replied, “I never
allow a negro to outdo me in politeness, sir.”
Shaking Hands.
Gentlemen, as a rule, shake hands upon being introduced to one another.
The lady of a house usually shakes hands with all guests whom she
receives in her house for the first time. Gentlemen do not, however,
offer to shake hands with the hostess, leaving it to her to put the
stamp of cordiality upon the ceremony of introduction, or to simply
pass it with courtesy.
If a lady extends her hand to a gentleman, he does not, as of old,
remove his glove, nor does he make use of the out-of-date formula,
“Excuse my glove.” At his departure the lady bows her adieu, but does
not again extend her hand.
The hand-clasp is a cordial expression of good will, but there are
degrees of cordiality to be observed in the performance of this
ceremony. Every one knows, and shudders at, the woman who gives two, or
at most, three fingers of a cold and lifeless hand for a moment into
your keeping, and every one recognizes and fears the man who swallows
up and crushes the entire hand within his powerful grasp. Each extreme
is to be avoided.
A lady should give her whole hand, not her fingers; a gentleman should
receive it cordially, holding it neither too tightly nor too loosely,
shaking it very slightly and not presuming to retain it. Should a
gentleman sin against any of these particulars, a lady is justified in
refusing to offer her hand next time.
A young lady simply gives her hand to a gentleman, neither pressing nor
shaking his, unless it be in the case of especial friends. Two ladies
shake hands quietly. Both ladies and gentlemen always rise to shake
hands. Elderly people, or invalids, are permitted to excuse themselves
and keep their seats.
Ball-room introductions for dancing do not necessitate hand-shaking,
a bow being all that is required. A very particular introduction,
wherever given, such as one prefaced by some remark like, “I want
you to know my friend So-and-So,” merits a hand-shake on your part,
together with some cordial remark.
Inferiors in social position should always wait until their superiors
offer the hand, never taking the initiative in this respect. This
precaution will sometimes save them the pain of a marked slight.
Words of Salutation.
Verbal greetings ought always to be quiet and respectful; they should
never be shouted across streets, nor called when the parties are at any
distance from each other. Nicknames should not be used publicly and
promiscuously, in short, all possible respect should be paid to the
feelings of other persons on public occasions.
The phrases, “Good morning,” “Good evening,” “Good afternoon,” “How do
you do?” “How are you?” are the usual forms employed. Sometimes the
name of the person addressed is added, thus: “Good morning, Mrs. Smith.”
Replies to these salutations are sometimes simply a bow from a lady
to a gentleman, or perhaps a bow and a repetition of his greeting,
as: “Good morning, Mr. Jones.” “How do you do,” should be replied to
by the same phrase, never, as is often the case with the novice in
social arts, by: “I am very well, thank you.” A special inquiry after
one’s health, however, as: “How do you do, Mrs. Jones?” followed,
after her acknowledgment, by: “How are you?” or, “How is your health?”
should receive the response, “I am very well, thank you.” After an
acquaintance has been ill, the first inquiry by a friend should be one
concerning health. This is a rule that should never be neglected: to do
so would be an oversight.
Kissing is a custom which the code of English and American etiquette
relegates as much as possible to the privacy of home. A kiss, the
outward expression of our closest affection and our warmest love,
should never be made a public show whereat the outside world may smile.
Hence, the effusive kissing between girls and women at their meeting
and their parting, is to be regretted as a specimen, to say the least,
of very bad taste on their part. Indiscriminate kissing of children and
infants is also objectionable on the score of health. Happily, kisses
and embraces among men are never seen in this country, though, in some
parts of Europe they are constantly to be observed, both in public and
private.
[Illustration: Decoration]
[Illustration: CHICAGO’S WELCOME TO PRESIDENT MCKINLEY—ETIQUETTE OF THE
BANQUETING ROOM]
[Illustration: AN AFTERNOON TEA]