“Talk often,” says Lord Chesterfield, “but never long; in that case if
you do not please, at least you are sure not to tire your hearers. Pay
your own reckoning, but do not treat the entire company: this being one
of the very few cases in which people do not care to be treated, every
one being fully convinced that he has the wherewithal to pay.”
All other arts pale before the art of conversation as a source of
popularity, and no other accomplishment tends so much toward social
success. The contact of many minds is a constant stimulus to mental
activity and its outward expression in animated conversation. It lends
new power to brilliancy of talent, and quickens, to a certain extent,
even then the lowest and dullest of intellects.
Everyone has been surprised and delighted at times by some unexpectedly
brilliant remark that has flashed from his lips during the course
of some animated exchange of badinage and repartee, and there is no
one but realizes how the mind acquires breadth and the opinions grow
tolerant as one converses with persons of intelligence and culture.
Since, however, according to Cicero, “Silence is one of the greatest
arts of conversation,” there may be added, with equal wisdom, to the
above counsel, “Listen often and well.” Be not an impatient listener,
nor yet an impassive one, but pay the compliment of attention and
interest to the subject in hand, and your company will be sought as an
acquisition.
Any lady, by profound attention to, and a pleased interest in the
subject under consideration, may promote the conversation most
skillfully and delightfully. Knowledge of the subject is not always
necessary. An English savant, deeply interested in Egyptology, once
escorted a young lady out to dinner. His conversation, as a matter of
course, turned entirely upon excavations, hieroglyphics, and kindred
topics. Upon all these the young lady was profoundly ignorant, but,
if unversed in Egyptian lore, she was most thoroughly versed in
conversational arts, and, by her speaking glances of intelligence
and her pleased smile, so fascinated the man of science that he
enthusiastically declared afterward that “Miss L—— was one of the best
conversationalists and the most intelligent young lady he had ever met,
and that her knowledge of Egyptology was something wonderful.” This,
to one who had sat opposite them at table, and could have vouched that
the lady in question had not spoken a single word through the entire
dinner, was slightly amusing. So strong, however, was the impression
left upon the mind of the savant by her interested attention, that it
would have been difficult to convince him of the fact.
The Good Listener.
This, even if an exception, shows what attentive listening may
accomplish toward social success. Let it be mentioned here, however,
that no one individual should be so carried away by a pet hobby as to
force conversation into a monologue. A very well-bred man, no matter
how great his interest in or eloquence upon any topic may be, always
catches at the slightest hint to close the conversation.
A man will always bear in mind that the greatest compliment he can pay
a woman is a respectful, deferential attention to her words. There
are men whose very manner of listening conveys, in itself, the most
delicate flattery.
A woman, in her turn, should always remember that, however interesting
her conversation may be, there is always danger that a man may possibly
weary of its protracted continuance, and so she should forebear leaving
him no loophole for escape. Louise Chandler Moulton enjoins one thing
on women which they would do well to recollect, and that is, “if they
want a man to stay with them to make it evidently and entirely easy for
him to get away. There is something lawless and rebellious in even the
best of men; they hate doing things because they are obliged.”
Suitable Topics.
To render conversation agreeable, suitable topics for the company
present, if possible, must be chosen. Neither soar above the level of
their conversation, nor sink so far beneath it, as to lead them to
infer that you possess a very slight opinion of their merits.
In conversing, too many educated men fall into the error of talking
commonplaces to all women alike, as if “small talk,” to the exclusion
of all weightier matters, were the only species of conversation suited
to a woman’s ear. On the contrary, she is more often either hurt or
angered at your evident condescension, or, on the other hand, she
credits you with just the amount of knowledge that you have evinced in
your conversation with her.
In the search after suitable topics it is well to remember that all
are pleased by a display of interest in their especial affairs. Thus,
by leading the artist to talk of his pictures, the lady amateur of her
music, the _prima donna_ of her successes, the mother of her children,
the author of his book, you may rest assured that they will always
speak of you as a person of great discrimination and a very interesting
conversationalist. They in their turn, unless extremely devoid of tact
and eminently selfish, will display sufficient regard for your feelings
to give an opportunity for waxing eloquent on your part over your own
pet topics. Be very careful then not to fall into that besetting fault
of good talkers, a monologue, which is fatal to all conversation.
Richard Steele gave a most desirable maxim for conversation when he
said: “I would establish one great rule in conversation, which is this,
that men should not talk to please themselves, but those that hear
them—adapting their words to the place where, the time when, and the
person to whom they are spoken.”
Misuse of Quotations.
Do not use classical quotations before a woman unless you know that,
by virtue of a classical education on her own part, she is capable of
appreciating the point. Remember, too, that there are a great many
men who, not having enjoyed your educational advantages, are annoyed,
rather than edified by your display of learning.
Do not make a point of exhibiting your learning aggressively anywhere.
“Classical quotation is the literary man’s parole the world over,”
says Dr. Samuel Johnson, but he savored somewhat of the pedant, and
his imitators, by too frequent an indulgence in this habit, may run
the risk of aping his pedantry without possessing his genius. Neither
is it well to interlard conversation with too frequent quotations from
English authors, no matter how well they may fit the occasion. This is
a habit that easily becomes tiresome.
“Small Talk.”
The current change of society is the light coin of “small talk” that
breaks with chink and shimmer the heavy bills of large denomination,
that else would overwhelm social conversation with their size.
Wiseacres may meet and learnedly discourse on all manner of sage
subjects, but that is discussion, debate, argument, what you will, not
conversation. Conversation is light, brilliant, and tossed back and
forth from one to another with the grace and ease of the feathered
shuttlecock.
A lady of high literary attainments was seen in a gay gathering sitting
quietly by herself in a corner, and, being questioned by a friend as to
her silence, replied, half bitterly, “I have no ‘small change,’ and my
bank bills are all of too large denomination for the occasion.” This is
a difficulty that one should strive to overcome, for, after all, it is
small change, rather than bank bills, that society in general requires.
Given the foundation of even a moderate education, the aspirant for
social success will gain more ideas from modern fiction than from
any other source whatever. No historian presents the social manners
and customs of his time with half the accuracy displayed by our best
fiction writers. A well-known society woman, familiar with its usages
both at home and abroad, declares that “a course of Anthony Trollope
is as good as a London season,” and we all know that Howells and James
and other authors of that ilk have lifted the _portières_ of our own
drawing rooms and shown us what is transpiring therein. Gail Hamilton
says that to be “well-smattered” is next best to being deeply learned,
and nowhere can a smattering of almost everything be better gained than
from the modern works of fiction.
A Valuable Source of Knowledge.
A friend of the writer, a talented elocutionist, and socially
brilliant, once said with reference to her quiet country home and her
sudden emergence therefrom to mingle in Washington society, that she
found herself perfectly at ease in those circles so widely different
from her previous experience of life, and that “she attributed it
wholly to her knowledge of social customs and the social atmosphere,
as gained from the best society stories.” It was in this manner that
she served her social novitiate and the result bore testimony to its
efficacy.
Where one is not quite sure of rising to the occasion it is well to
be provided, before attending a social gathering, with several topics
that will be suitable to bring forward in conversation. Many are in
the habit of doing this constantly. Some new book, one that created
a little sensation, some course of lectures, some late theatrical or
operatic entertainment, anything, in short, that is generally popular.
Be careful, however, in broaching such subjects not to egotistically
give your own opinion at the outset by saying decidedly, “I think
that book is a perfect failure, quite absurd in fact. What is your
opinion?” This course of action, if your companion is younger or more
timid than yourself, will probably reduce him to the point of having
no opinion whatever, or at least to being afraid to express it, and
the conversation, as such, will fail completely. Whereas, if you had
quietly asked him if he had read the book, how he enjoyed it, etc., you
would have gradually entered upon a conversation wherein you would
have drawn out his ideas and at the same time have been enabled to
display your own.
Cultivate Your Mind.
One of the first requisites of social success is a cultivated mind.
You cannot hope to hold your own in society without at least a
general knowledge of the events of the last few years in historical,
scientific, artistic and social fields. Such knowledge is easily gained
by a little study and a great deal of observation, the pains taken
being more than recompensed by the ease and assurance with which one
enters society.
If a musician or an artist, you should be sure to know something of
your chosen art aside from the mere technicalities. Be well versed
in the various schools of painting, the varied merits of the musical
masters of the past and present. Be filled with the spirit as well
as the technique of your profession and you cannot fail to converse
pleasantly upon these subjects. Always remember, however, not to
advance your opinions to the utter exclusion of every one else, or your
companionship will become tiresome to the best of listeners.
“Drawing Out Others.”
The very essence of the art of conversation is to draw others out and
cause them to shine; to be more anxious, apparently, to discover other
people’s opinions than to advance your own.
Who does not remember gratefully and admiringly the sympathetic people
who seem to draw out the very best there is in us—in whose company we
appear almost brilliant, and actually surprise ourselves by the fluency
and point of our remarks? Such people are a boon to society. No one
sits dull and silent in their presence, or says unpleasant, sarcastic
things before them, and, while never seeming to advance any views of
their own, and certainly never forcing them upon our attention, we
involuntarily learn of them and love them, scarcely knowing why.
Malebranche showed his knowledge of human nature when he wrote: “He who
has imparted to others his knowledge without any one perceiving it and
without drawing from it any advantage, necessarily gains all hearts by
his virtuous liberality. Those who would be loved, and who have much
wit, should thus impart it to others.”
The Passion for Argument.
Never permit yourself to be drawn into an argument in general society.
Nothing can be more provocative of anger on one side or another, or
more destructive to conversation, than a lengthy and, too often, bitter
argument. Good breeding would suggest that the subject be changed at
once before the controversy becomes heated. Especially should any
debate upon politics or religion be avoided as subjects upon which two
seldom agree, but which are so close to the hearts of the majority as
to cause serious annoyance if their pet beliefs are touched upon or
questioned. Be careful, also, not to take the opposite side of _every_
question that is brought up in conversation.
Wit and Humor.
Sidney Smith once said: “Man could direct his ways by plain reason
and support his life on tasteless food; but God has given us wit
and flavor, and laughter and perfumes, to enliven the days of man’s
pilgrimage, and to charm his pained footsteps over the burning marl.”
And Sidney Smith was so much the life and soul of every social
gathering that, while the English language is spoken, his witty remarks
will be quoted with delight.
Wit, however, is too often but another name for sarcasm and ridicule,
that, like a barbed arrow, rankles long in the soul of its victim.
True humor, it should be remembered, is neither scathing nor insolent;
it is simply that bright repartee that someone aptly calls the “spice
of conversation.” Hence it would be well to smother the temptation to
be witty at the expense of another, and crush back the brilliant but
cutting retort meant only to wound, not to amuse.
Evil Speaking.
Beware of evil speaking. In the eyes of all right-minded persons much
that you have said recoils upon your own head, for no one has quite
the same opinion of an individual after having listened to a series of
scandalous stories from his lips. Hence, for your own sake, as well
as for that of others, eschew the vice of evil speaking as a very
pestilence.
Let young ladies have a care how they speak lightly or contemptuously
of one another at any time, but more especially when conversing with
men. Nothing, as a rule, is more prejudicial to a woman, in the
estimation of a man, than this all-too-prevalent habit. No matter what
the faults of your sister-woman may be, condone them gently, or, if
this be impossible, let a silence that is golden fall about the subject.
Unhesitatingly acknowledge a woman’s beauty or talent, and, instead of
detracting from your own merits, it will enhance them in the eyes of
all. A young man was once heard by the writer counselling his sister
from the depths of his own experience as a social favorite. “Never,”
said he, “say one word against a girl to any young man. It only puts
you down in their estimation. Say something pretty and complimentary
about them if you can; if not, keep still.” And his advice was words
fitly spoken, that are, indeed, “like apples of gold in pictures of
silver.”
“Telling Stories.”
Stories should never be introduced into general conversation unless
they meet several requirements. In the first place, they should be
short and well told. Secondly, they should be new to the company
where they are told. Nothing is more tiresome than listening to a
twice-told tale, though the height of good breeding is to smile over
its tediousness.
One way to avoid inflicting this martyrdom is to ask beforehand if
any one present has heard such and such a story. Then, in the third
place, it must be straight to the point, and directly called for as an
illustration of the case in hand.
[Illustration: A PROMENADE AT THE OPERA]
[Illustration: CONSULTING HER PROGRAMME]
Do not tell more than two or three stories or anecdotes in the same
evening. Never be guilty of relating in company a narrative that is
in the least questionable in its import. This is utterly inexcusable,
and, to so sin, is to render one’s self unfit for social companionship.
Avoid repetition. If some portion of an anecdote has met with applause,
do not repeat it. Its unexpectedness was its only charm.
Absent-Mindedness.
This is a sin against good manners which cannot be too greatly
condemned, being, as it is, in some measure an insult to the company
in which you find yourself. No one cares to be of so little importance
as to find the person addressed totally oblivious of his presence
or remarks, and no one can blame him if, as Chesterfield suggests,
“finding you absent in mind, you should speedily find them absent in
body.”
Profuse Compliments.
To be endurable, compliments should be made use of in a very cautious
and artful manner. If permitted to degenerate into gross flattery they
are far from complimentary to the understanding of the individual
addressed. The day, happily, is long since past when conversation
between men and women was confined to unmixed flattery on the one side
and blushing acceptance on the other. That “the best flattery is that
which comes at second hand,” no one can deny, yet, judicious praise
is not only acceptable but useful many times in giving the needed
incentive, without which the flagging footsteps might have faltered on
their way.
Contradictions and Interjections.
Never be guilty of abrupt contradictions. If you differ decidedly
from some given opinion, soften the expression of your difference by
such modifications as, “I hardly think so,” or, “My idea is rather
different,” or, “I beg to differ.” This is much more polite and less
likely to arouse antagonistic feelings.
In conversation never allow yourself to fall into the habit of using
constantly such phrases as “You don’t say!” “Do tell!” “Did you ever?”
“Is that so?” and many others that will come to mind as you recall your
own faults in this respect, and the faults of your friends. An equal
avoidance should be cultivated of such interjections as “Say,” “Well,”
etc., with which we often begin our sentences. These habits are all to
be condemned and should be corrected as speedily as possible.
Voice and Manner.
Let your voice be low and pleasantly modulated and your enunciation
clear, distinct and musical. All these things are marks of good
breeding, and, if not yours by birthright, may be acquired by patience
and perseverance. Avoid high tones and nasal tones. Do not talk
rapidly, or in a hesitating, stumbling fashion. A partial course in
elocution and voice training will work wonders in this direction, and
any one determined to succeed will never regret the time or money so
spent.
Cultivate also, if shy and timid by nature, self esteem sufficient to
imagine that you are quite the equal of those with whom you are about
to meet. This resolution will enable you to say what you wish without
fear of mistake, and without showing too much respect of persons.
The above-mentioned elocutionary lessons will also be an aid toward
acquiring self-possession.
Repose of manner should be assiduously cultivated. Do not fidget or
loll about in your chair, or twist your fingers constantly, or play
with something while you talk, or restlessly beat a tattoo with fingers
or feet. All such faults render your companionship a burden to those
about you.
Indulge in no facial contortions, as they rapidly become habits
difficult to break and usually leave their traces on the face in lines
impossible to efface. Lifting the eyebrows, rolling the eyes, opening
them very widely, twisting the mouth and opening it so as to show the
tongue in talking, are all disagreeable habits, that, once acquired,
can only be broken by ceaseless vigilance. Practice talking without
moving the facial muscles but slightly. Do this before your mirror
daily, if necessary, and before the same faithful mentor learn to open
the eyes less widely, parting the lids only just so far as to show the
colored iris without a glimpse of the white portion, or cornea, of the
eye above or below it. The time thus spent will result in a change most
gratifying to yourself and friends.
Conversational Sins.
Never interrupt a person who is talking. Never take the words out of
anyone’s mouth and finish the sentence for them. To do this is ill-bred
and does not bespeak your superior discernment, but your ignorance of
polite society.
Puns, unless exceptionally witty, are to be carefully avoided. Young
ladies, especially, should beware of establishing any reputation for
punning. At all events, puns should never be far-fetched.
Do not whisper in company; nothing can be more vulgar. Neither
should two in a gathering converse together in a foreign language,
not understood by the others present, or talk blindly in a manner
unintelligible only to themselves. Should, however, a distinguished
foreigner to whom the language is almost unknown be among the guests,
it is a mark of courtesy for as many as possible to converse in his
native tongue.
Do not immediately break off the conversation upon persons entering the
room. It is too apt to leave the impression upon their minds that the
discourse was of them. In carrying on a conversation after newcomers
enter the room, briefly recapitulate what has gone before, that the
thread of the story may be complete for them. Look at those with whom
you are talking, but never stare.
Profanity is the last and most inexcusable sin committed against good
manners and propriety. The man who will deliberately use profane
language in the drawing-room, or before women and children, or aged
men, should be considered without the pale of good society.
Language coarse in its tendency is open to the same criticism, and
remarks and stories that carry a double meaning cannot be too severely
condemned. If it is at any time possible for a woman to receive such a
story in its innocent sense, let her do it, showing by some remark the
light in which it is taken; otherwise, she should be apparently blind
and ignorant as to its meaning.
Avoid affectations. In conversation make use of long words as little as
possible, and wherever a short and easily understood one is suitable to
express your meaning, choose it in preference to one of polysyllabic
proportions.
Use of the Lips and Facial Expressions.
Do not cover the lips with the hand, or a fan, while speaking. To do
so shows nervousness and a lack of social training. Besides this, much
of the expression of the face lies in the mouth. This is shown by all
actors, readers and public speakers, who, as a rule, appear before
their audiences with closely-shaven faces, that no portion of the
varying changes of the lips may be lost.
Never, if you are a man, speak lightly of women. Nothing so surely
lowers your own standard in the eyes of all sensible people. Never hurt
the feelings of others. Never allude publicly to times when you have
known them in less affluent circumstances than the present.
Be very careful to guard against over much laughing. Nothing gives
a sillier appearance than spasms of laughter upon the slightest
provocation. It soon grows into a very disagreeable habit. Smile
frequently, if need be, but be moderate in laughter. A very little
reasoning will serve to do this; and the reflection that few grown
people laugh well will aid still farther in curbing the propensity.
Let your greeting of acquaintances be free from boisterousness and
familiarity. Do not bring your hand down heavily upon their shoulder,
nor emphasize your sentences with pushes and punches of an active
elbow, nor fling your arms about their necks or shoulders. To some
fastidious persons these boorish acts are a positive insult. An
affectation of boisterous familiarity more often betrays a feeling of
social inferiority than absolute shyness or timidity does.
Never permit yourself to correct other people in matter or manner,
unless it should be absolutely necessary to protect some one else.
Under all ordinary circumstances do not betray a confidential
communication made you by a friend. Set the seal of the confessional
upon it. If it should be sorrowful in its nature, do not mention it
even to the friend who has confided it to your keeping unless he or she
should first refer to it. It may have been confessed in a moment of
confidence and regretted almost as soon as spoken, hence, do not revive
the memory yourself.
Control Your Temper.
Keep your temper under all circumstance while in company. Even if some
remark has been made with plain intent to injure your feelings, an
absolute ignoring of the intended sting will prevent others, and, most
of all, the guilty party, from perceiving the depth of the wound. A
true gentleman, or lady, is never quick to take offense.
Never ask impertinent or personal questions, unless these latter are
called for by the nature of the conversation. Be careful not to give
advice unless it is sought, and remember then that it is a commodity of
which a very little goes a long way.
And last, but not least, utterly eschew all slang. There are some
young ladies who apparently think that a little slang, to spice their
remarks, is piquant and saucy, but, in the majority of cases they so
soon overstep the mark and fall into the deplorable habit of constantly
and copiously interlarding their speech with all manner of slang
phrases, that one is forced to advocate total abstinence as the only
safeguard.
The too common habit of exaggeration, on the part of so many
schoolgirls and young ladies is also to be deplored, a quiet
unobtrusiveness of speech always marking the true lady.
Do not, in speaking, too frequently mention your hearer by name.
To do so implies either great familiarity on your part, or social
inferiority on theirs. In this latter case it savors strongly of
patronage.
In speaking to people always give them their proper titles, as:
“Colonel,” “Doctor Jones,” “Professor Gray.” Never make a practice of
saying: “That is so, Colonel,” but, “That is so, Colonel Sharp.”
In mentioning a married daughter, unless to a very intimate friend,
give her married title, as: “Mrs. Miller,” or, “My daughter, Mrs.
Miller.” In speaking of unmarried daughters, or of sons (unless to
servants), give them their Christian name, as Hattie or George, or else
mention them, and this is better before strangers, as: “My daughter,”
or, “My son.”
Misuse of Initials.
Never address persons by their initials, as: “Mrs. W.,” “Miss C.,”
“Mr. D.;” give them instead their full name. Neither should you call
young ladies, “Miss Mollie,” or “Miss Jennie;” “Miss Smith,” or, “Miss
Brown,” being in much better taste. Their Christian names should only
be used to distinguish them from other sisters. Never address people by
their Christian names unless very familiarly acquainted. This practice
savors of ill-breeding and is often very annoying to the person so
addressed.
In speaking of persons who are absent, mention them by their last name,
as: “Mrs. Roe,” “Mr. Doe,” unless the intimacy is very great; even then
care should be taken not to use their Christian names too freely among
persons to whom they may be strangers.
A wife in speaking of her husband should rather say “Mr. Smith,” than
“My husband;” but, above all, let her refrain from referring to her
liege lord as “he,” as if the whole wide world possessed no other
mortal to whom that pronoun was applicable. Husbands should follow the
same rules in referring to their wives.
Be careful not to interlard conversation with “sir,” or “ma’am.” In
Europe these terms are relegated to the use of the lower classes.