Indiscriminate introductions are always in bad taste, yet, since the
sweetest of our friendships are wont to reach us through the medium
of a formal presentation, it is well that we understand how, when and
where these introductions should properly take place.
As a rule, introductions, to be agreeable, should be desired before
being given; and since we are, or should be, in a measure, the
endorsers of those whom we present to our friends, a due degree of
care should be exercised in so doing, lest inadvertently we force upon
another what may prove an undesirable acquaintance.
Introductions are given in cases of necessity, such as business
transactions, or emergencies that may arise in traveling, as when we
wish to consign some friend to the care of another. They are given at
balls, that partners may be found for all the dancers. Here, however,
care must be taken beforehand to ascertain if the parties will dance,
for such is the selfishness and, shall it be said, ill-breeding of our
society young men that not unfrequently they will walk away without
even offering the lady the courtesy of the next dance. In this way
her hostess unwittingly exposes her to a marked slight, since the
ball-room introduction is supposed to mean an intention on the part of
the gentleman to show some attention to the lady, with whom he should
either dance, promenade, or talk through one set.
Neither are young ladies quite guiltless in this respect, since it
often happens that they refuse partners from simple caprice, and no
gentleman likes to be refused, even for a quadrille. It may be added
that these introductions necessitate no after acknowledgments on either
side unless mutually agreeable.
Introductions are given at card parties when necessary to fill out
tables for a game, and they occur also where one person especially
wishes another to become acquainted with a friend.
An English Custom.
Strangers are always introduced to visitors, and at dinners, if
previously unacquainted, the gentleman is introduced, a few minutes
beforehand, to the lady he is to take out to the table. In England,
however, where they exercise great care in giving introductions, even
this formality is not always complied with. Richard Grant White speaks
of being informed at the last moment, in some house whose owner boasted
many titles, that he was to take down “the lady in pink over there in
the bay window,” to whom, therefore, he duly went, and, bending an
inviting elbow, said in his most persuasive tones: “May I have the
pleasure?” The proffered honor was accepted, and he and the lady, each
equally ignorant as to the other’s identity, went out to spend a long
two hours in entertaining one another.
The one redeeming feature of this English custom is that everyone, at
private entertainments, talks to everyone else without an introduction,
considering that the fact of their being guests under the same roof is
a species of endorsement for all, and, better still, this sociability
carries with it no after obligations, because, since they are not
introduced, they are not acquainted. In this country, owing probably to
the unfortunate frequency of introductions among us, a certain chill
pervades the atmosphere when a portion of the guests are unacquainted
with one another, for, as a rule, no one here attempts to converse
without having been properly presented.
In metropolitan circles, however, this is not so much the case, and
as our country grows older it is to be hoped that “a change will come
o’er the spirit of our dream” in this respect, thus lessening the
present responsibility of our hostesses, who, torn between two opposing
factions, feel that “If I introduce Mrs. So-and-so to Mrs. Blank she
will never forgive me, and if I do not introduce Mrs. Blank to Mrs.
So-and-so I shall have made a mortal enemy.”
At a party given in behalf of a _débutante_ she is to be introduced
to every lady present, and every gentleman is to be presented to
her. In case there should be a distinguished guest present at any
entertainment, all other guests must be made acquainted with the
favored one.
You May Introduce Yourself.
There are also times when it is eminently proper to introduce one’s
self, such as when you find upon entering a drawing room that the
hostess has forgotten your name; or if it should have been wrongly
announced; or if you are an entire stranger to the hostess, it is not
only proper, but imperative, to introduce yourself at once. Then,
too, it occasionally happens that a gentleman, wishing to render some
assistance to a lady who is traveling alone, prefers to introduce
himself beforehand. This, of course, leaves the lady perfectly free to
recognize him or not at any future time. Occasions such as these are
constantly arising, and tact and judgment must be used to decide the
question for one’s self.
Watering-place introductions are frequently given for the convenience
and pleasure of the time being. They are usually made by the eldest
lady of either party and further recognition in the future is optional.
Do not introduce people in public places. Do not, even if a friend
should overtake you and walk by your side for some distance, or should
meet and talk with you, introduce him to another friend with whom you
are also walking. You may do it, however, in exceptional cases. Do
not, as a rule, introduce two people who are inhabitants of the same
town; it is to be supposed that they could have known one another had
they cared so to do. Still, it is well to exercise judgment in this
one particular, since what could be done unquestioned in a city parlor
cannot always be accomplished without exciting comment and ill-feeling
in a country town.
Do not introduce gentlemen to ladies without first being sure that
the acquaintance will be agreeable to the lady, since it is much more
difficult for a lady to shake off an undesirable acquaintance than it
is for a gentleman. In the case of foreigners it is always well to be
careful before introducing them to young ladies at their own request,
since it often happens that foreign titles, found upon this side of
the water, are extremely dubious. Hence one is clearly justified in
referring them to her parents or guardians for the required favor.
A Custom Out of Date.
Introductions at evening parties are, fortunately, very much out
of date, except it is for partners in dancing, or unless there
should be so many strangers present as to threaten overwhelming the
entire party in speechless gloom. Occasionally in the country some
old-fashioned hosts persist in handing each newcomer around the room
like refreshments for an introduction to each one present. This custom
puts the later arrivals in the position, as some one says, “of making a
semi-circular bow like a concert singer before an audience,” and this,
to non-professionals, is not a little embarrassing.
Timid people, and people unaccustomed to the rules of social etiquette,
always feel a certain dread in going through the slight formality of an
introduction. Nothing, however, if one remembers a few timely hints,
can be simpler than this little ceremony so necessary for each of us to
perform many times in our intercourse with others. Recollect always to
introduce the gentleman to the lady, never the lady to the gentleman,
except in the case of very exalted rank, extreme age or the possession
of great eminence in intellectual or artistic life; otherwise, the
rule is inflexible save in introducing a youthful “rosebud” formally
to an elderly gentleman, in which case you would present her to him.
The chivalry of etiquette assumes that a man is always honored by
presentation to a lady.
In introducing ladies, present the younger to the elder, unless in case
of some marked exception such as those given above.
The simplest form in presenting one person to another is always the
best. A wife presents her husband as “Mr. North,” “Colonel North,” or
“Doctor North,” always giving him his rightful titles. The wife of the
President should introduce him as “The President,” while we should
address him as “Mr. President.”
In introducing a gentleman to a lady one should say, “Mrs. A. allow (or
permit) me to introduce (or present) Mr. B.; Mr. B., Mrs. A.,” being
sure that the names are distinctly pronounced. If this should not be
the case, let the parties themselves ask it at once, a simple “I beg
pardon, I did not understand the name,” saving much future annoyance.
Forms of Introduction.
In introducing two ladies the same formula may be used, as: “Mrs.
Y. allow me to introduce Mrs. Z.; Mrs. Z., Mrs. Y.” Or one may say:
“Mrs. Y., this is my friend Mrs. Z.; Mrs. Z., Mrs. Y.” A still further
variation is to say: “Mrs. Y., I believe you have never met Mrs. Z.;
Mrs. Z., Mrs. Y.” In introducing two gentlemen any of the above forms
may be used. If the introduction is given simply for business purposes
it should be short and concise, as: Mr. A., Mr. B.; Mr. B., Mr. A.
In introducing a stranger it will always be well to make some little
explanatory remark that may be used as a stepping-stone toward
beginning a conversation, thus: “Miss S., allow me to present Mr. T.,
who is just back from Africa,” or, “Miss E., this is my friend Mr. F.,
the composer of that little song you sang just now.” Any remark like
this always serves to make the opening of the conversation easier.
An introduction received, or solicited, simply for your own
convenience, as a business recommendation, or otherwise, entitles you
to no after benefits, or social recognition.
Where there are several waiting for an introduction to the same
individual, name the latter first, then in succession name the others,
bowing slightly, as each name is pronounced, in the direction of the
one named. Thus: “Colonel Parker, allow me to present to you Mrs. Roe,
Miss Doe, and Doctor Brown,” being sure always to give every one their
full honorary title in making the introduction.
In introducing relatives be very sure to give their full name. A
sister, for instance, should be introduced as, “My sister, Miss Roe;”
or, “Miss Mary Roe,” or, “My sister, Mrs. Doe,” as the case may be,
making sure always never to say “My sister Mary,” or, “My brother Joe,”
thereby leaving the stranger ignorant as to name or estate.
A mother is always at liberty to introduce her son or daughter; a
husband is supposed always to introduce his wife, and a wife her
husband.
What Should Follow the Introduction.
Nowadays, the usual recognition of an introduction is by a formal bow.
Handshaking rarely occurs and a gentleman introduced to a lady never
offers his hand unless she should first extend her own. The inclination
on the part of the lady is slight, that of the gentleman deeper. The
custom of a courtesy by the lady has scarcely taken root in this
country.
A hostess receiving in her own parlors is at liberty, if she should
wish, to extend her hand to all comers.
A gentleman upon being introduced to a lady usually suggests that
he is “Happy to make her acquaintance,” or, “Delighted to make the
acquaintance of Miss B——,” though, if he choose, he may simply bow,
repeating her name. A lady, upon introduction to a gentleman, simply
bows, possibly repeating his name, but never is “happy” or “delighted”
to make his acquaintance. The pleasure is supposed to be upon his
part, the condescension upon her side. She should, however, upon his
expression of pleasure, bow, with a slight smile, or a murmured “Thank
you,” in return, though, a married lady, especially if she be a little
the elder, may cordially say she is “glad to meet him.”
It is the place of a gentleman, after an introduction to a lady, to
make some remark calculated to set the conversational ball rolling, and
she should endeavor to supplement his efforts sufficiently to keep up
the conversation. If, however, the gentleman be younger than the lady
and somewhat embarrassed, she should show sufficient tact to open the
conversation herself. If the introduction is between two ladies, the
one who is introduced should make the first remark.
Letters of Introduction are fully commented upon and explained in this
volume in the Department on Correspondence, where the proper forms for
such letters are given.
All introductions, however annoying, should be received pleasantly and
acknowledged fully while under the roof where they are given, though,
an hour after, the two might pass one another in speechless silence.
This is for the hostess’ sake, and so great is this solicitude on the
part of the well-bred that mortal enemies have met and smiled across
the mahogany of a mutual friend, thus preventing the utter chagrin of
a hostess who discovers, by frowning faces and averted gaze, that her
carefully arranged dinner is a partial failure.
A Lady’s Wishes Should be Respected.
Gentlemen rarely ask for introductions to one another, but, should
a lady, for any cause, express a desire to present two men of her
acquaintance to one another, they must, even if not anxious for the
honor, acquiesce instantly in her request.
An introduction given between two visitors calling at the same house
need not carry with it any weight unless both parties so desire.
At the time, a bow is the most that is demanded; afterward, it is
the individual having the most social prestige, or, if there is no
difference in standing, the one having most confidence, to whom this
privilege is given of acknowledging or ignoring the introduction. A
bowing acquaintance with a person thus introduced cannot in the least
injure the social position of an individual.
An introduction given on the street needs no after recognition. At the
time, a gentleman simply lifts his hat, a lady bows, and that is all.
After any introduction (except the one just mentioned) never give the
cut direct save for very good cause. It is too often an uncalled-for
insult.