“He who has a thousand friends
Has not a friend to spare,
But he who has an enemy
Will find him everywhere.”
Our first impressions of a man are impressions of his manners. We
designate him from the first glimpse of his face, first sound of his
voice, as an affable, agreeable and sincere individual; or as crabbed,
cross-grained and suspicious in his temperament, and are attracted by,
or repelled from him, according to the characteristics with which his
manners have clothed him.
The Influence of Good Manners.
So potent is this power exercised over the world by the gentle sway of
manners that their possession is worthy the cultivation and care we put
forth for the attainment of all gracious, pleasant things, and to their
possessor is given the key to which all doors open.
Emerson was one of the most acute observers of manners that culture
has ever produced, and he wrote: “The longer I live the more I am
impressed with the importance of manners. When we reflect upon their
persuasive and cheering force, how they recommend, prepare and draw
people together; when we think what keys they are, and to what secrets;
what high and inspiring character they convey, and what divination is
required of us for the reading of this fine telegraphy, we see what
range the subject has.”
Manners, with some, are the gracious legacy of inheritance, education
and environment; with others they are the growth of the careful
cultivation of years, and carry with them the calm self-poise of the
man who has conquered circumstances and established his own position.
In such as these there inheres a certain power that impresses itself
upon all who come in contact with its influence.
The self-possession and certainty stamped upon the face of a man
who inherited, or won for himself, the sure and perfect armor of
good-breeding, is but the outer stamp of the man himself.
Manners are profitable as well as pleasant. They carry with them a
measureless weight of influence. A gentleman once brought into his
library a costly subscription book. “My dear,” said his wife, “you
already had a copy of that work.” “I knew I did,” he replied, “but the
manners of the lad who sold it were so elegant that it was a pleasure
to purchase it.”
The charm of good manners is not a qualification belonging to any
particular station in life, for, to the poor and unlettered oftimes
may be traced deeds and actions that mark them as nature’s noblemen.
Education, wealth and social station do not always confer them, but the
outer grace may be acquired by all.
In this way it has come to be known that a refinement of laws in any
country indicates that a gradual refinement of manners has led up
towards, and finally crystallized into a refinement of the hearts and
the laws of the people.
The Marks of True Politeness.
True politeness is always known by its lack of assumption. President
Tyler, in advising his daughter-in-law previous to her taking her
position as lady of the White House, used these noteworthy words: “It
is, I trust, scarcely necessary to say that, as upon you will devolve
the duty of presiding at the White House, you should be equal and
untiring in your affabilities to all. You should remember that nothing
shows a little soul so much as the exhibition of airs or assumptions
under any circumstances.”
The minor observances have much to do with the polishing and perfecting
of the manners of men. These little things that mark one as being “to
the manor born” are not the growth of moments but the slow accretions
of years; neither can their use be dropped in the privacy of home to be
assumed at pleasure for the outside world to admire, else they will fit
but illy, as borrowed plumes are wont to do.
The best-intentioned and best-hearted people that the world has ever
known are too often careless in the slight observances that mean so
much to the cultivated. Thoreau says, “I could better eat with one
who did not respect the truth or the laws than with a sloven and
unpresentable person. Moral qualities rule the world, but at short
range the senses are despotic.”
“The code of society is just a little stronger with some individuals
than the code of Sinai, and many a man who would not scruple to put his
fingers in your pocket, would forego peas rather than use his knife as
a shovel.”
The Great Value of Courtesy.
“Be courteous,” is an apostolic command that too many earthly followers
of the Twelve would do well to consider. They are just, they are
truthful, sometimes aggressively so; they are conscientious, they
weary not in well-doing, but—they are not courteous. They are not good
mannered, and by so much as they sin in this regard do they lose their
power to win.
“Good manners,” says one, “are more serviceable than a passport, than a
bank account, than a lineage. They make friends for us; they are more
potent than eloquence or genius without them.” They add to beauty, they
detract from personal ugliness, they cast a glamour over defects, in
short, they work the miracle of mind over matter exemplified in the
case of the extremely plain Madame de Staël, who was reputed to “talk
herself beautiful in five minutes.”
They teach us the beauty of self-sacrifice, they constrain us to
listen, with an appearance of interest to a twice-told tale, they teach
the wife to smile over the somewhat worn jest of the husband, as she
smiled in like fashion in the days of auld lang syne, or, harder still,
they enjoin upon us to follow the Duc de Morny’s definition of a polite
man, as “one who listens with interest to things he knows all about,
when they are told by a person who knows nothing about them.”
They impress upon us to guard the feelings of others, they warn us to
avoid the familiarity that breeds contempt, and, above all, they are
contagious!
There is much to be said as to the true definition of those beautiful
but abused terms, lady and gentleman, each with its strong, sweet
meaning.
“A lady is one who, to inbred modesty and refinement, adds a scrupulous
attention to the rights and feelings of others, and applies the Golden
Rule of doing as she would be done by, to all who are connected with
her, both at home and in society.”
While a gentleman has been described as: “Whoever is true, loyal and
candid; whoever possesses a pleasing, affable, demeanor; whoever is
honorable in himself and in his judgment of others and requires no law
but his word to make him fulfil all engagements.”
Such men and such women are “ladies” and “gentlemen” whether they are
found in the peasant’s hut or the prince’s palace.
Rules of Etiquette.
The following rules, published some time ago as a receipt for that
beauty of expression so much more lasting and attractive than mere
beauty of feature, were written originally for the guidance of woman,
but they are equally applicable to the needs of man.
“1. Learn to govern yourself and to be gentle and patient.
“2. Guard your temper, especially in seasons of ill-health, irritation,
and trouble, and soften it by a sense of your own shortcomings and
errors.
“3. Never speak or act in anger.
“4. Remember that, valuable as is the gift of speech, silence is often
more valuable.
“5. Do not expect too much from others, but forbear and forgive, as you
desire forbearance and forgiveness yourself.
“6. Never retort a sharp or angry word. It is the second word that
makes the quarrel.
“7. Beware of the first disagreement.
“8. Learn to speak in a gentle tone of voice.
“9. Learn to say kind and pleasant things when opportunity offers.
“10. Study the characters of those with whom you come in contact, and
sympathize with them in all their troubles, however small.
“11. Do not neglect little things if they can affect the comfort of
others in the smallest degree.
“12. Avoid moods, and pets, and fits of sulkiness.
“13. Learn to deny yourself and prefer others.
“14. Beware of meddlers and tale-bearers.
“15. Never charge a bad motive, if a good one is conceivable.”
Courtesy, charity and love are one, and, when all good deeds are done
the warning comes: “If ye have not charity” all is naught. Therefore:
“A sweet, attractive kind of grace,
A full assurance given by looks,
Continual comfort in a face,
The lineaments of gospel-books.”
Do ye all things courteously, founding precept and practice upon that
old rule, the Golden Rule, which is the Alpha and the Omega of all good
manners and the very Essence of all Etiquette.