contradicted him, not wishing to provoke his wrath. Unable to endure
this acquiescence, he at last burst out, “Zounds, deny something, that
I may know there are two of us.”
TRANSPOSITION OF SYLLABLES.
One of our most celebrated poets, occasionally a little absent of mind,
was invited by a friend whom he met in the street, to dine with him
next Tuesday at a country lodging he had taken for the summer months.
The address was, “Near the Green Man at Dulwich,” which, not to put his
inviter to the trouble of pencilling down, our bard promised faithfully
to remember. But when Tuesday came, he, fully late enough, made his way
to _Greenwich_, and began inquiring for the sign of the _Dull Man_! No
such sign was to be found; and, after losing an hour, a person guessed
that though there was no _Dull Man_ at _Greenwich_, there was a _Green
Man_ at _Dulwich_, which the gentleman might possibly mean! This remark
connected the broken chain, and our poet took his chop by himself.
QUIN.
Quin used to complain much of the system of giving vails to servants,
which, to a man of his uncertain resources, was a very severe tax.
Having been invited to the house of a gentleman who had the reputation
of giving good dinners, he found himself entertained in a style much
below his expectations; wherefore, on leaving the house, and finding
the servants all as usual ranked up in the hall, he inquired for the
cook and the butler. These officials speedily presented themselves,
when he said to the first, “There’s half-a-crown for my eating,” and
to the other, “There’s five shillings for my drinking; but really,
gentlemen, I never made so bad a dinner at the money in my life before.”
A gentleman at whose house Quin had often experienced the same
annoyance, one day gave him a pressing invitation; but Quin would not
promise to come unless the servants were taught to expect no vails. He
paid dearly for this limitation; for, on going to pay his visit, he had
a dirty plate given him for a clean one, bread for beer, and frequently
neither one nor other, after repeated applications. When dinner was
finished, he addressed himself to the company, pushing round a plate
with a half crown on it; “Gentlemen,” said he, “I think we had better
pay for our dinner now, before we begin upon the wine; for I have a
notion they imagine we intend to bilk them to-day.”
JAMES II.
James II. having appointed a nobleman to be lord-treasurer when the
exchequer was in a very exhausted state, he complained to the king of
the irksomeness of the office, as the treasury was so empty. “Be of
good cheer, my lord,” replied his majesty, “for you will now see the
bottom of your business at once.”
REPROOF.
A certain clergyman, who was more busied in the pleasures of the chase
than in superintending the souls of his flock, one day, meeting with
little sport, proposed to entertain his companions at the expense of an
inoffensive quaker, whom he had very often ridiculed, and who was then
approaching them. He rode up to him briskly, saying, “Obadiah, have you
seen the hare?” “Why, hast thou lost him, neighbour?” said the quaker.
“Lost him! yes, indeed.” “Then,” replied he, “if I were the hare I
would run where I am sure thou could’st never find me.” “Where the
devil is that?” asked the blustering son of Nimrod. “Why, neighbour,”
answered the other, “I would run into thy study!”
AMENDMENT.
An Earl Marshal was found fault with by his sovereign for some
misarrangements at a coronation. “Please your Majesty,” said he, “I
hope to do better next time.”
LORD CHESTERFIELD.
Lord Chesterfield chanced one day to be at the Duke of Newcastle’s
levee, when _Garnet upon Job_, a book dedicated to that nobleman,
happened to lie in the window. Before his Grace made his appearance,
his Lordship had time enough to amuse himself with the book; and when
the Duke entered, he found him reading in it. “Well, my Lord,” said
his Grace, “what is your opinion of that book?” “In any other place I
should not think much of it,” replied his Lordship; “but being in your
Grace’s levee, I think it one of the best books in the world.”
A lady of fashion, very young, very giddy, and just married, walking
with Lord Chesterfield, asked his Lordship if she did not look very
young? “Indeed, my lady,” said he, “you look as if you were just come
from boarding-school, and fit to return again.”
As Lord L---- was one day lamenting to his Lordship the misconduct
of his son, the latter advised a place at court as one method which,
perhaps, might cause an amendment. The father replied he was not steady
enough. “Yes, yes,” said his Lordship, “he is steady enough to be
Master of the Revels.”
EFFECT OF POETRY.
James I. first coined his twenty-two shilling pieces, called Jacobuses,
with his head crowned. He afterwards coined his twenty shilling pieces,
where he wore the laurel instead of the crown. Ben Jonson observed on
this that “Poets always came to poverty; King James no sooner began to
wear bays, than he fell two shillings in the pound.”
GEORGE III.
Mr. West, the painter, told his Majesty one day that he had been
employed by one of his principal ministers for what is called in the
language of the profession a _head_. He had waited on him that morning,
and had found him so dejected and with so long a face, on account of
some bad news, that he could not begin. “Sir,” says his Majesty, “if
that noble lord’s head cannot keep up countenance, it is time to employ
another hand than yours to take it off.”
A SEASONABLE HINT.
Dean Cowper, of Durham, who was very economical of his wine, descanting
one day on the extraordinary performance of a man who was blind, he
remarked that the poor fellow could see no more than “that bottle.” “I
do not wonder at it at all, sir,” replied Mr. Drake, a minor canon,
“for _we_ have seen no more than ‘that bottle’ all the afternoon.”
WHO WOULD GROAN AND SWEAT?
When Foote was in Paris, in the course of an evening’s conversation
with some English gentlemen, the subject turned on Mr. Garrick’s
acting, when some of the company expressed their fears of that great
performer’s relinquishing the stage. “Make yourselves easy on that
head,” replied the wit, “for he’d play Richard before a kitchen fire in
the dog-days, provided he was sure of getting a sop in the pan.”
POSTHUMOUS TRAVELS.
Professor Porson being once at a dinner party where the conversation
turned upon Captain Cook and his celebrated voyages round the world;
an ignorant person, in order to contribute his mite towards the social
intercourse, asked him, “Pray, was Cook killed on his first voyage?” “I
believe he was,” answered Porson, “though he did not mind it much, but
immediately entered on the second.”
HOSPITALITY.
There is a delightful smack of old England in the following anecdote.
The famous Tom Thynne, who was remarkable for his good house-keeping
and hospitality, standing one day at his gate in the country, a beggar
coming up to him, begged his worship would give him a mug of his small
beer. “Why, how now,” said he, “what times are these, when beggars must
be choosers! I say, bring this fellow a mug of strong beer.”
NEW OPPOSITION.
At the time when the lower house were in conversation about the
propositions which Lord North intended to lay before them with respect
to Ireland, and were calling upon him to give them some hint of what
they were; the celebrated Mr. Fox observed that the house might be
assured they would be exactly contrary to his former measures; “for the
noble lord was convinced in all cases, that the only chance he had of
being right was by acting in opposition to himself.”
VERSES ON A SCOLD.
Mr. Thomas Fuller, a man admired for his wit, but whose great fault was
that he would rather lose his friend than his jest, having made some
verses upon a scolding wife, Dr. Cousin, his patron and benefactor,
hearing them repeated, desired Mr. Fuller to oblige him with a copy
of them; to whom he very imprudently, though wittily replied, “’Tis
needless to give you a copy, doctor, for you have the original.”
NO ALTERNATIVE.
A porter passing near Temple Bar with a load on his shoulders, having
unintentionally jostled a man who was going that way, the fellow gave
the porter a violent box on the ear, upon which a gentleman passing
exclaimed, “Why, my friend, will you take that?” “Take it,” replied the
porter, rubbing his cheek, “don’t you see he has given it me.”
POINT DE TOUT LACE.
A lady raised from an obscure rank by a noble marriage, happened to
be at court when the Spanish ambassador made his appearance with
very great splendour. Among other things which drew attention, the
richness of the laces were particularly noticed. On the return of this
new-made lady of quality to her lord’s house, she met the celebrated
Lord Chesterfield, to whom she related the splendour of the foreign
minister, and dwelt particularly on the richness of the laces. “Pray,
my lady,” said his lordship, “what kind of lace was it?” “Really, my
lord, I forget the name, but I should know it if you mentioned it.”
“Was it then _point d’Espagnes_?” “No, it was not that.” “Was it _point
de Brusselles_?” “No, no; not that.” “Oh,” said the witty Earl, “I know
now what it was, it was _point de tout_.” “You are very right,” replied
the lady, “that was the name of the lace.”
MILTON.
When Milton was blind, he married a shrew. The Duke of Buckingham
called her a rose. “I am no judge of colours,” replied Milton, “and it
may be so, for I feel the thorns daily.”
ANOTHER VERSION.
Milton’s third wife was the daughter of Mr. Minshull of Namptwich, in
Cheshire. She had an unhappy temper, but so fine a complexion that a
French gentleman who once paid him a visit said, “Monsieur Milton, your
lady is like the rose.” “It may be so,” replied the poet with a sigh,
“but I am so unhappy as to be blind, and, alas! I have never found
anything but the thorns.”
A LAWYER’S LAST STAGE.
A Cornish clergyman having a dispute concerning several shares in
different mines, found it necessary to send for a London limb of
the law to have some conversation with the witnesses, examine the
title-deeds, view the premises, &c. The divine very soon found that
his legal assistant was as great a scoundrel as ever was struck off
the rolls. However, as he thought his knowledge might be useful, he
shewed him his papers, took him to compare his surveyor’s drawings,
with the situation of the pits, &c. When, in one of these excursions,
the professional gentleman was descending a deep shaft by means of a
rope which he held tight in his hand, he called out to the parson who
stood at the top, “Doctor, as you have not confined your studies to
geography, but know all things from the surface to the centre, pray how
far is it from this pit to that in the infernal regions?” “I cannot
exactly ascertain the distance,” replied the divine, “but let go your
hold and you’ll be there in a minute.”
NEWSPAPER OBITUARIES.
It was once stated in a newspaper that a person was _killed_ by
accident, and that his wife was so much affected by the incident as
to leave it doubtful whether she would _survive_ him. A gentleman, to
whom this blunder was shewn, observed that all the absurdly penned
notices of deaths in the newspapers arose from _people writing their
own obituaries_.
A STRIKING LIKENESS.
Lord Chesterfield having been long very earnestly solicited for his
interest in favour of a clergyman who wanted preferment, at length
presented his suitor with an engraved portrait of his head. The parson
thanked him, and after some time had elapsed, told him that though he
did not as formerly attend his levee every day, he regularly paid his
court to his portrait. “And pray,” said the sarcastic peer, “have you
got any thing of it?” “No, my Lord,” replied he, “it has too strong a
resemblance to the original for that.”
A PUSH AT A PRIME MINISTER.
The Duke of Newcastle, when prime minister, once told the author of
Tristram Shandy, that men of wit were not fit to be employed, being
incapable of business. “They are not incapable of business, my Lord,
but above it,” replied Sterne; “a sprightly generous horse is able to
carry a pack-saddle as well as an ass, but he is too good to be put to
the drudgery.”
FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS.
“I really can’t sing, believe me, sir,” was the reply of a young lady
to the repeated requests of an empty fop. “I am rather inclined to
believe, madam,” rejoined he, with a smirk, “that you are fishing
for compliments.” “No, sir,” exclaimed the lady, “I never fish in so
shallow a stream.”
GENEROSITY.
An old farmer, on paying his rent, told his landlord he wanted some
timber to build a house, and would be much obliged to him if he would
give him permission to cut down what would answer the purpose. The
landlord answered peremptorily, “No.” “Why, then, sir, will you give me
enough to build a barn?” “No.” “To make a gate then?” “Yes.” “That is
all I wanted,” said the farmer, “and more than I expected.”
SCEPTICISM.
A person speaking of the tenacity of life in turtles, asserted that
he had seen one which had its head cut off, open its jaws six weeks
afterwards. The company seeming rather sceptical, he said, “I saw it,
and I trust none of you will doubt my word.” Then turning to one
gentleman he asked what he thought. The other asked him--“Sir, if you
had not seen the circumstance yourself, could you have believed it?”
“Indeed,” said he, “I could not.” “Then I hope you will excuse me if I
do not believe it.”
KEEPING THE COMMANDMENTS.
A gentleman shewing his friend a collection of curious pictures in his
gallery, on the other praising them all very much, he gave him a choice
of any one of them as a present. The stranger fixed on a tablet in
which the ten commandments were written in letters of gold. “You must
excuse me there,” replied the gentleman, “those I am bound to keep.”
HALF A KINDNESS.
A Catholic priest, a pious and yet a facetious man, was requested by
a lady for permission to wear rouge. The lady’s character was half
coquettish and half devotee. “I can give you permission, madam,”
replied the bishop, “only for one cheek.”
PAINTING AND WHITEWASHING.
A wretched artist, who thought himself an excellent painter, was
talking pompously about decorating the ceiling of his saloon--“I am
whitewashing it, and in a short time I shall begin painting.” “I think
you had better,” replied one of his audience, “paint it first, and then
whitewash it.”
SIGHT.
A man of wit being asked what pleasure he could have in the company of
a pretty woman who was a loquacious simpleton, replied, “I love to see
her talk.”
DUSTING.
A gentleman having called his servant to assist him in dressing, the
man, who had been employed in some dirty work, came up all over dust.
The master, in a rage, took up a cane and was preparing to lay it over
the fellow’s back, when he cried out, “Sir, sir, if you wish to dust my
coat, I beg I may take it off first.”
DENNIS THE DRAMATIST.
The extravagant and enthusiastic opinion Dennis had of the merit and
importance of his tragedy, called _Liberty Asserted_, cannot be more
properly evinced than by the following anecdote. He imagined there were
some strokes in it so severe upon the French nation, that they would
never be forgiven, and, consequently, that Louis XVI. would not consent
to a peace with England unless he was delivered up as a sacrifice to
national resentment. Nay, so far did he carry this apprehension, that
when the congress for peace at Utrecht was in agitation, he waited upon
the Duke of Marlborough, who had formerly been his patron, to entreat
his interest with the plenipotentiaries that they should not consent
to his being given up. The Duke, however, told him with great gravity,
that he was sorry it was not in his power to serve him, as he really
had no interest with any of the ministers at that time; but added,
that he fancied his case not to be quite so desperate as he seemed to
imagine, for that he himself had taken no care to get himself excepted
in the articles of peace, and yet he could not help thinking that he
had done the French almost as much damage as Mr. Dennis himself.
BON MOT OF QUEEN HENRIETTA.
When Charles I. of England shewed his queen Henrietta the picture of
Calvin in his cabinet, which pourtrayed the theologist with a pen in
his hand, and his eyes turned up and out of sight of his book, the
queen said smiling, “I do not wonder now that Calvin wrote so much
nonsense, as he seems not to have attended to what he was doing.”
FOR THE LADIES.
In some parish churches it was the custom to separate the men from the
women. A clergyman, being interrupted by loud talking, stopped short,
when a woman eager for the honour of her sex arose and said, “Your
reverence, the noise is not among us.” “So much the better,” answered
the priest, “it will be the sooner over.”
THE WORLD AN OLD LADY.
Some philosophers were disputing very learnedly and dully on the
antiquity of the world. A man of wit, tired of their long discussion,
said, “Gentlemen, I believe the world acts like some old ladies, and
does not choose to have her age discovered.”
GOOD CAUSES AND BAD.
A counsellor was one day asked by the judge, why he, as a man of
talents and integrity, was always employed in knavish causes--“Why, I
have been so much in the habit of losing good causes, that I think I
had better undertake bad ones.”
A NATURAL MISTAKE.
A black servant being examined in the Church Catechism by the minister
of the parish, was asked, “What are you made of?” Cato answered, “Of
mud, massa.” On being told that he should say, “Of dust,” he replied,
“No, massa, it no do--no stick togedder.”
ADVICE.
Some years ago, the son of an eminent Jew was on the point of being
married to a Christian lady, on which the father, who had no objection
to the religion of the lady, but to the smallness of her fortune,
expostulated with his son, and told him he might have a lady with more
money, and that if he married without his consent, he would cut him off
with a shilling. The son replied, that whether he consented or not,
he would have the object of his wishes; adding, that if he refused
he would turn Christian, and then he should claim the benefit of an
English law, and obtain half of what he possessed. At this answer, old
Mordecai was greatly confounded, and resolved to apply to counsel, to
know whether there was any such law. The counsellor replied, “that
there certainly was, and that his son, upon turning Christian, would
obtain half his fortune; but if you will make me a present of ten
guineas,” added he, “I will put you in a way to disappoint him, and the
graceless dog shall not be able to obtain a farthing.” At this news
the Jew’s hopes revived; and pulling ten guineas out of his pocket
he instantly clapped them into the lawyer’s hand, expressing his
impatience to know how to proceed. “Why,” said the counsellor, “Mr.
Mordecai, you have nothing to do but to turn Christian yourself.”
POWER OF NUMBERS.
A country lad went to be confirmed by the bishop, who, inquiring if he
had learned his catechism, asked him how many commandments there were.
“Forty,” replied Hodge. “Go home, child, and learn better,” said the
bishop. On his return home, Hodge met a companion who was also going to
be confirmed. “Stop,” said he, “do you know how many commandments there
be?” “Yes, to be sure,” replied the other, “ten.” “Pshaw! you fool!”
said the other; “I told the bishop forty, and that would not do. Go
home, and learn better.”
SYMBOLS OF MARTYRDOM.
A satiric poet underwent a severe drubbing, and was observed to walk
ever afterwards with a stick. “Mr. P. reminds me,” said a wag, “of some
saints, who are always painted with the symbols of their martyrdom.”
AUCTION.
At Mr. Beckford’s sale at Fonthill, a gentleman purchased a bed at
a very high price, and found, when it was knocked down to him, that
he had bid against his most intimate acquaintance. This gentleman
immediately came up, and, shaking him by the hand, made urgent enquiry
after his health, which the purchaser of the bed assured him was never
so well. “I am rejoiced to hear it,” said the other, “because, in
that case, I am sure you will let me have the bargain.” “Nay, my dear
friend,” said the purchaser, “what has that to do with it?” “Because,”
said he, “if you are quite well, you cannot want to keep your bed.”
HALF THE CURE.
A gentleman, who drank very hard, being seized with a fever, had
a consultation of physicians, and while they, in his bedroom,
disputed about the best method of abating the thirst and curing the
fever,--“Gentlemen,” said the patient, “permit me to put in a word,
and I will engage to take half the trouble off your hands; do you cure
the fever, and I will abate the thirst myself.”
JEREMY TAYLOR.
When Jeremy Taylor was introduced to the Archbishop of Canterbury, he
was told by the prelate that his extreme youth was a bar to his present
employment. “If your grace,” replied Taylor, “will excuse me this
fault, I promise, if I live, to mend it.”
BORROWED FACE.
An officer of a disbanded regiment applying to his agent for his
arrears, told him that he was in the most extreme want, and on the
point of dying with hunger. The agent seeing him of a jovial and ruddy
aspect, replied, that his countenance belied his complaint. “Good sir,”
replied the officer, “for heaven’s sake! do not mistake; the visage you
see is not mine, but my landlady’s; for she has fed me on trust for
these two years.”
SINGULARITY AN ADVANTAGE.
A woman of excellent sense, and somewhat of a satiric turn of mind, was
asked by her friends if she really intended to marry Mr. ----, adding,
that Mr. ---- was a good kind of man, but _so very_ singular. “Well,”
replied the lady, “so much the better; if he is very much unlike other
men, he is more likely to make a good husband.”
LOOKING GLASSES.
Lady C----, an old coquette, and very fond of her reminiscences, and a
censor of all present fashions and arts, looking into her glass, beheld
sundry wrinkles, freckles, &c. “Now, here is my new glass,” said her
ladyship, “not worth a farthing. They cannot make mirrors so well as
they used to do.”
ABSENTERS.
A gentleman, on a tour through the west of England, happened to be at a
very populous town on a Sunday, and being acquainted with the minister,
he accompanied him to church, which, to his great surprise, was very
thinly attended. As they were returning home, he asked his friend “if
there were any dissenters in this town.” “No,” said the other, “but
there are numerous _ab_senters.”
A SHREWD GUESS.
A lad delivering milk, was asked what made it so warm. “I don’t know,”
replied he with much simplicity, “unless they put in warm water instead
of cold.”
AGRICULTURAL PUN.
A farmer, in the neighbourhood of Doncaster, was met by his landlord,
who accosted him thus, “John, I intend to raise your rent;” to which
John replied, “Sir, I am very much obliged to you, for I cannot raise
it myself.”
MRS. SIDDONS.
At the time when Mrs. Siddons had just reached her high theatrical
fame, and had acted some of her principal characters to the admiration
of all who beheld her, a formal assembly of learned ladies, consisting
of Mrs. Montagu, Mrs. Carter, Miss Hannah More, and sundry other
members of the _bas bleu_ met, and prevailed upon Mrs. Siddons to be
of the party. Their object was to examine her, and to get from her the
secret how she could act with such wonderful effect. Mrs. Montagu
was deputed to be the prolocutress of this female convocation. “Pray,
madam,” said she to Mrs. Siddons, addressing her in the most formal
manner, “give me leave to interrogate you, and to request you will
tell us, without duplicity or mental reservation, upon what principle
you conduct your dramatic demeanor. Is your mode of acting, by which
you obtain so much celebrity, the result of certain studied principles
of art? Have you investigated, with profound research, the rules of
elocution and gesture, as laid down by the ancients and moderns, and
reduced them to practice? or do you suffer nature to predominate, and
only speak the untutored language of the passions?” “Ladies,” said the
modern Thalia, with great diffidence, but without hesitation, “I do not
know how to answer so learned a speech. All I know of the matter, and
all I can tell you is that I always act _as well as I can_.”
A GOOD THING WELL APPLIED.