Chatham, his Lordship asked him, among other questions, how he defined
wit? “My lord,” said the doctor, “wit is like what a pension would
be, given by your lordship to your humble servant, _a good thing well
applied_.”
ENTERTAINING ANGELS.
A vagrant called at a house on a Sunday and begged for some cider. The
lady refused to give him any, when he reminded her of the oft-quoted
remark, that she “might entertain an angel unawares.” “Yes,” said she,
“but angels don’t go about drinking cider on Sundays.”
A YOUNG LADY’S WAIST.
Dr. Wing, being asked where a young lady’s _waist_ began, replied, “At
the altar. The moment they have you trapped, they come down upon your
pocket-book like a hawk upon a May bug. After they are married they are
all _waste_.” What a libellous fellow!
LORD CHANCELLOR THURLOW.
When Lord Thurlow was at the bar, his clerk was one day reading to
him a legal instrument, and when he came to the part, “_I do devise
all that farm to_,” &c., &c., he was seized with so very violent a
fit of coughing that he could not proceed, on which the testy lawyer
exclaimed, “Read on, _with a curse to you--your_ heirs and _their_
heirs _for ever_.”
Mr. Tierney once observed of this noble and learned lord, who was much
given to swearing and parsimony, that he was a rigid disciplinarian
in his religion, for that in his house it was _passion week in the
parlour, and lent in the kitchen, all the year round_.
HIGH BOOTS.
A gentleman complaining to his bootmaker that a pair of boots recently
sent were too short, and that he wanted a pair to cover the whole calf,
had the following _jeu d’esprit_ sent to him:----
These boots were never made for me,
They are too short by half;
I want them long enough, d’ye see,
To cover all the calf.
Why, sir, said Last, with stifled smile,
To alter them I’ll try;
But if they _cover all the calf_,
They must be _five feet high_.
PLAGIARISM.
A celebrated divine, who had prided himself upon his originality, and
who would reject his best thought if he imagined it was traceable to
any previous author, was startled one day by a friend coolly telling
him that every word of his favourite discourse was stolen from a book
he had at home. The astonished writer, staggered by his friend’s
earnestness, begged for a sight of this volume. He was, however,
released from his misery by the other smilingly announcing the work in
question to be “Johnson’s Dictionary,” where, continued his tormentor,
“I undertake to find every word of your discourse.”
HE PREFERRED RAIN.
After listening to Bushfield Ferrand’s fervid appeal at New Malton, a
shrewd Yorkshire farmer was asked what he thought of the speech? His
reply was, simply, “Why, I don’t know, but I think six hours’ rain
would ha’ done us a deal more good!”
THE RAKE’S PROGRESS.
A captain of a vessel loading coal, went into a merchant’s
counting-house, and requested the loan of a rake. The merchant, looking
towards his clerks, replied--“I have a number of them, but none, I
believe, wish to be hauled over the coals.”
BATTLE OF CAMPERDOWN.
The _Delft_, one of the Dutch ships taken at the battle of Camperdown,
was in so shattered a state that, after the greatest exertions for five
days to keep her from sinking, all hopes of saving her was given up.
The English prize-officer called aside Mr. Hieberg, who had been first
lieutenant of the _Delft_, and who remained on board along with a
number of the sick and wounded prisoners, who were not in a condition
to be removed, and represented that it was impossible to save all;
that he intended at a certain signal to throw himself, with his men,
into the long-boat, and he invited Hieberg to avail himself of the
opportunity to effect his escape. “What!” exclaimed Hieberg, “and leave
these unfortunate men?” (pointing to his wounded countrymen, whom it
had been necessary to bring on deck, as the hold was already full of
water). “No, no; go, and leave us to perish together.” The English
officer, affected by the generosity of Hieberg’s answer, replied, “God
bless you, my brave fellow: here is my hand; I give you my word I will
stay with you.” He then caused his own men to leave the ship, and
remained himself behind to assist the Dutch. The _Russel_ soon sent
her boats to their succour, which brought off as many as could leap
on board them. The boats lost no time in making a second voyage, with
equal success. The Delft was now cleared of all but Hieberg and the
English officer, with three Dutch subaltern officers, and about thirty
seamen, most of them so ill from their wounds as to be unable to move.
While still cherishing the hope that the boats would come a third time
to their assistance, the fatal moment arrived, and on a sudden the
_Delft_ went down. The English officer sprang into the sea and swam to
his own ship; but the unfortunate Hieberg perished, the victim of his
courage and humanity.
A CANDID THIEF.
During the late session at N----, a man was brought up by a farmer, and
accused of stealing some ducks. The farmer said he should know them
anywhere, and went on to describe their peculiarity. “Why,” said the
counsel for the prisoner, “they can’t be such a very rare breed--I have
some like them in my yard.” “That’s very likely, sir,” said the farmer:
“these are not the only ducks of the sort I have had stolen lately.”
ONE-EYED WIT.
A man with one eye laid a wager with another man, that he (the one-eyed
person) saw more than the other. The wager was accepted. “You have
lost,” says the first; “I can see the two eyes in your face, and you
can see only one in mine.”
WORTH TEN OF IT.
An old clergyman was in the habit, as soon as he got into the pulpit,
of placing his sermon in a crevice under the cushion, where he left
it during the singing of the accustomed psalm. One Sunday he pushed
the sermon-book too for into the crevice, and lost it. When the psalm
was concluded, he called the clerk to bring him a Bible. The clerk,
somewhat astonished at this unusual request, brought him a Bible
as he was desired. The clergyman opened it, and thus addressed his
congregation--“My brethren, I have LOST MY SERMON; but I will read you
a chapter in Job WORTH TEN OF IT.”
PAINTING IN BUTTER.
In a club the other day, sat two gentlemen, one of whom has attained
fame upon canvas, the other upon paper. He of the pencil was remarkably
complimentary to him of the pen--so much so indeed, that the latter at
length, with a good-natured laugh exclaimed, “Why, my good fellow, you
really show the versatility of your genius in the most striking light:
you prove that you can paint not only in oil, but--in butter!”
A WITTY AUCTIONEER.
An auctioneer replied to a person who was importuning him for the
remaining change of a pound note, “You must wait with patience till
your change come.”
The auctioneer now mentioned, who is remarkable for the boldness of his
wit, said to a young jackanapes who was pestering him during the sale,
“that he had read of one ass only that spoke, but he now heard another.”
THUNDER.
An itinerant lecturer on Natural Philosophy, and who for some time
delivered his prelections in this city, when describing the nature
of thunder and the striking phenomena which attend it, gave vent to
his alarmed feelings in the following words, “And the repercussant
intumescences augment the awful roar.”
MR. SERJEANT BETTESWORTH.
The following lines on Serjeant Bettesworth, which Swift inserted in
one of his poems, gave rise to a violent resentment on the part of the
barrister:----
“So at the bar the booby Bettesworth,
Though half-a-crown o’erpays his sweat’s worth,
Who knows in law nor text nor margent,
Calls Singleton _his brother serjeant_.”
The poem was sent to Bettesworth at a time when he was surrounded
with his friends in a convivial party. He read it aloud till he had
finished the lines relative to himself. He then flung it down with
great violence--trembled and turned pale--and, after some pause, his
rage for a while depriving him of utterance, he took out his penknife,
and opening it, vehemently swore, “With this very penknife will I cut
off his ears.” He then went to the dean’s house, and not finding him
at home, followed him to the house of a friend, where being shewn into
a back room, he desired the doctor might be sent for; and on Swift
entering the room and asking what were his commands, “Sir,” said he, “I
am Serjeant Bettesworth.”--“Of what regiment, pray, sir?” said Swift.
“O, Mr. Dean, we know your powers of raillery--you know me well enough;
I am one of his majesty’s serjeants at-law, and I am come to demand
if you are author of this poem (producing it), and these villanous
lines on me?”--“Sir,” said Swift, “when I was a young man, I had the
honour of being intimate with some great legal characters, particularly
Lord Somers, who, knowing my propensity to satire, advised me when I
lampooned a _knave_ or a _fool_ never to own it. Conformably to that
advice, I tell you that I am not the author.”
A GOLD FINCH.
The following paragraph appeared in the newspapers lately:--“A young
lady, who has £60,000, has lately paired off from Bath with a Mr.
Finch, a young Hibernian, for Gretna Green, where she will make him a
_Gold Finch_.”
A SMART ANSWER.
A late professor taking a country walk, met one of those beings usually
called fools. “Pray,” says the professor, accosting him, “how long
can a person live without brains?” “I dunno,” replied the fellow,
scratching his head; “pray, how long have you lived yourself, sir?”
POT-LUCK.
An old and rich gentleman married a young lady of good connections
and of fashionable manners. His wife’s levee was always attended by a
number of young sparks. The old gentleman, however, steered so clear
of all jealousy, and kept himself so easy about family affairs, that
he used to go to bed and there wait for his wife, who often protracted
her amusements until morning, and came home always escorted by young
men. One evening, inspired by Bacchus no doubt, they became very unruly
in the old gentleman’s house, so that in order to silence them, he
was obliged to empty _it_ upon their heads. This expedient had the
most desirable effect, for they almost immediately retreated. Fearing,
however, that he had proceeded too far, he told a barrister the whole
case the next day, and regretted he was not gifted with greater command
of temper. “Why are you sorry?” said the other: “you used the company
very genteelly; for they came uninvited, and you gave them _pot-luck_.”
A POLITE CHAIRMAN.
One slippery day a gentleman, as he walked along the streets, suddenly
lost the use of his legs and fell. A chairman who stood near him, with
the greatest politeness bade the gentleman “come to him and he would
lift him up.”
I DON’T DRINK MILK
A gentleman, a professed wit, was invited to tea; an opportunity of
displaying his powers before the ladies soon occurred. The lady of
the house that evening had milk for tea instead of cream. When the wit
was asked if he drank cream, “Yes, ma’am,” says he, “but I don’t drink
milk.” The old gentleman was so offended at this unreasonable reply,
that he ordered the fellow to walk down stairs, and receive the cream
of his jest.
LOST MONEY.
“What is that you have found?” said Dr.---- to a little boy going along
the streets. “A sixpence, sir,” answered the boy. “Let me see it?” said
the doctor: “Now my dear, be sure to tell the person who has lost it
(putting it in his pocket) that he will get it again, if he calls at my
house, St. ---- Square.”
A FREE TRANSLATION.
A professor had a great partiality for certain young noblemen who
attended his class, and gave them certificates for proficiency
which they did not deserve. Among his pupils was a poor lad, whose
abilities the professor despised merely on account of his homely garb
and simplicity of manners. One day the professor wished to give his
favourites a laugh at the poor fellow’s expense. “Here sir,” said he,
“I will give you three Latin words, our city’s motto, which if you
translate into English immediately, I will perhaps conceive a better
opinion of you than I have done of late: the words run thus, _Nisi
dominus frustra_.” The lad without much thinking, stood up and began,
“_Nisi dominus frustra._ Unless we are lord’s sons, it is vain to come
here.”
A “SINGLE” PIG.
A butcher of this city bored the ears of his guinea pig, and inserted
into them a pair of large ear-rings. As the guinea pig lay before his
door one summer day its ludicrous appearance attracted the attention of
a gentleman and his daughter who were passing by; the gentleman called
the butcher by name, and enquired of him how he came to dress his pig
so fancifully? “Why,” said the honest butcher, “to tell you the truth,
it is because she’s single, and I wish to get her off.”
WHISTON’S DEFENCE OF TRUTH.
Whiston was much taken notice of after his expulsion from Cambridge,
and had the friendship of all the eminent Whigs then in London: among
these, Secretary Craggs, Addison, Steele, Mr. Walpole, Sir Joseph
Jekyl, Sir Peter King, and Lord Chief Justice Parker, were his most
intimate. Dining one day with Mr. Craggs, when Addison, Walpole,
and Steele were present, the conversation happened to turn on this
point, “Whether a secretary of state could be an honest man, as to his
veracity in dealing with foreign courts, consistent with the good of
his country?” Craggs said it was impossible; Addison and Steele were
of the contrary opinion. Having long debated this matter with some
warmth, during all which time Mr. Whiston continued silent, Mr. Walpole
insisted on his giving his opinion: he begged to be excused, as not
having made politics at all his study, though the moral duties between
man and man he thought very plain. Being pressed strongly to speak his
sentiments, he said he was very clear that the duty of speaking truth
was so strong, that no apprehension of any inconvenience arising from
it could be a sufficient reason against it: that it was not always our
duty to speak, but when we did speak it should be the truth, without
any prevarication: and that he did firmly believe, if ministers of
state did in general practise it, they would even find their account in
it. To which Mr. Craggs replied warmly, “It might do for a fortnight
perhaps, Mr. Whiston, but it would not hold.” Whiston immediately
asked, “Pray, Mr. Craggs, did you ever try it for a fortnight?” To this
no answer was returned. Walpole cried out, “Mr. Whiston, truth has
prevailed; Craggs is convicted.”
WEWITZER’S SPENCER.
Mr. Wewitzer, late of Drury Lane Theatre, a gentleman no less
distinguished for his merit as an actor and his good character as a
man, than for the amenity of his manners and the neatness of his wit,
having given orders to his tailor for a spencer, asked him how much it
would cost. “I cannot,” said Stitch, “exactly say, but you may depend
on’t, sir, that it will come very _low_.” “Then,” said the wit, “it
will not be a spencer.”
DISAPPROBATION.
An actor played a season at Richmond Theatre for the privilege only of
having a benefit. When his night came he had to sustain a principal
part in the piece. The whole of his audience, however (being thirty in
number), gave him every mark of disapprobation, and a great hissing, on
which he came forward and said, “Ladies and gentlemen, I return you my
sincere thanks for your kindness, but when you mean to hiss me again on
my benefit night, I hope it will be by at least six times as many as I
have here to night.”
WOODWARD.
When Woodward first played _Sir John Brute_, Garrick was induced, from
curiosity or perhaps jealousy, to be present. A few days after, when
they met, Woodward asked Garrick how he liked him in the part, adding,
“I think I struck out _some_ beauties in it.” “I think,” said Garrick,
“that you struck out _all_ the beauties in it.”
TOM WESTON.
Tom Weston, of facetious memory, being in a strolling company in
Sussex, when the success was even less than moderate, ran up a bill
of three shillings with his landlord, who, waiting on the comedian,
insisted on his money immediately. “Make yourself easy, my honest
fellow,” said Weston, “for by the gods, I will pay you this night in
some shape or another.” “See you do, Master Weston,” retorted the
landlord, surlily, “and, d’ye hear, let it be as much in the _shape_ of
three shillings as possible.”
DELPHINI.
When Delphini first came to England, his company was much sought after
by the great; he was invited to the most fashionable parties in town;
this greatly impaired his health; he therefore resolved to lead a more
retired life; but invitation upon invitation pouring in upon him, and
he not speaking English very well, asked a friend, “_Vat he say, ven
de people ax him come tea and sup?_” “Say? why say you have _got other
fish to fry_.” In a day or two after this he was met in the street by
Lord C----, who told him he was going to have a party that evening, and
would be glad if he would favour him with his company. “No,” replied
Delphini, “I no come.” “No! why not?” said his lordship. “_Cause I go
fry my oder fish._”
The same, when he was discharged from Covent Garden, was met one day
by his present majesty, then Prince of Wales, who inquired after his
health. “My health very bad, Mr. Prince, I get no _vine now_.” “No
wine! that’s bad indeed,” said the Prince; “well, go to my cellarman,
and tell him to send you some.” “Yes, I go; God bless you, Mr. Prince.”
He accordingly went to the cellarman, and having informed him of the
Prince’s orders, he was asked how much he would have, and what sort. He
replied, “_Only twelve dozen, and all sort_.”
A CHEMIST’S DIFFICULTY.
A lady, when asked in marriage by a certain chemist, said, “that she
had no dislike for him, only she thought that his head was composed of
too volatile particles.”
A MAN OF LETTERS.
In a certain literary society where the question was, whether the
merchant or the man of letters was of the greatest use to society, one
of the members asked if by the man of letters was meant a postman?
GOOD LORD, DELIVER US.
“They say you’re now become a laird,” said Dr. A. to Dr. B., an eminent
accoucheur, as he met him on the street and shook him by the hand.
“What would they say,” replied the other, “were I to become a lord?”
“They would undoubtedly say, _Good lord, deliver us_,” answered the
other.
LEARNING LATIN.
A boy when asked if he understood Latin, replied that he did not know,
as he had never tried.
EVIDENCE.
“Stand up, and hold up your right hand,” said a judge to a sailor, who
had been summoned as a witness in a case of murder, and who had been
instructed by some person to repeat what his lordship said to him, and
precisely in the same tone in which it was delivered. “Stand up, and
hold up your right hand,” replied the other. “What does the fellow
mean?” said his lordship amazed. “What does the fellow mean?” answered
the other. “This will never do,” said his lordship in a peremptory
tone, “you must say the following words after me.” “This will never do;
you must say the following words after me, and be d----d!” repeated the
sailor.
CASTING REFLECTIONS ON A PROFESSOR.
In the late professor H----’s class, a gentleman’s gilded buttons
happened to reflect the sun’s rays upon the professor’s face. The
professor, as it may be supposed, ordered the gentleman to desist; the
other, ignorant of the matter, with the utmost simplicity, affirmed,
“that he would be the last in the class who would cast reflections on
the professor.”
A SMART ANSWER.
An aged grey-haired beggar came to the door of a country ale-house
in England, where the three greatest wits of the parish were sitting
over a jug of the best. When he preferred his usual petition, one of
the jocular companions ridiculed his appearance, calling him _Father
Abraham_; the second called him _Father Isaac_; the third _Father
Jacob_; asserting that he must be one of those reverend personages. But
finding he answered to neither of those appellations, they exclaimed,
“then who the devil are you?” The old man cast on them a look of
contempt as he replied, “I am neither Abraham, Isaac, nor Jacob: but I
am Saul the son of Kish; I was sent to seek my father’s three asses;
here I have found them, and here I shall leave them.”
MR. MOORE.
Mr. Moore, the author of many ingenious pieces, being a long time under
an expensive prosecution in Doctors’ Commons for marrying two sisters,
was called upon one morning by his proctor, as he was writing his
excellent tragedy of the _Gamester_: the proctor having a leisure hour,
Mr. Moore read him four acts of his piece, which were all at that time
finished. The proctor was so affected by it, that he exclaimed, “Good
God! how can you possibly add to this couple’s distress in the last
act?” “Oh, very easily,” says the poet; “there I intend to put them
both into the _spiritual court_.”
THE ITALIANS AND THE WAITER.
An Italian singer, at the Opera House, who had but lately arrived in
this country, and not speaking English, was so anxious to acquire it,
that he always had in his pocket an Italian and English dictionary;
and being in general accompanied by a friend who spoke a little better
than himself, he determined to practise nothing else. On his first
visit to an Orange coffee-house, he placed himself before the fire
and called “Vater, vater,” but to no purpose. His friend whispered to
him--“He’s no vater at all--he’s vaiter.” “Oh den, vaiter, vaiter.”
“What do you want, gentlemen?” “Medin, medin.” “I do not understand,”
said the waiter. His friend again whispered--“He’s no medin, he’s
dinne me.” “An! dinne me,” repeats the other. “Oh, _dinner_,” says
the waiter; “what would you like to have?” “One large porkshop.” “The
devil you will,” said the waiter: “what, a whole porkshop?” His friend
whispers--“He no porkshop--he’s one pork chops.” “Oh, pork chops,
very well.” The dinner was brought, and after he had dined, he called
“Vaiter, vaiter!” “Well sir?” “_Mettez moi_ six or seven turnpikes.”
“Seven turnpikes? that’s impossible, sir.” His friend whispers
again--“He’s no turnpikes--he’s tiddlepicks.” “Ah! tiddlepicks.” “I do
not understand yet, sir.” “No! Got d----n! it is to take it away the
meat out ma _tooth_.”
A RIDICULOUS MISTAKE.
A woman once asked another, “Pray, had your mother any children?”
Seeing the other laugh, and quickly recollecting herself, “Lord
bless me,” says she, “what a ridiculous mistake I made! it was your
grandmother I meant.”
CUT DOWN AND CUT UP.
A man just hung, and an author just about publishing a book, are nearly
in the same predicament--both are in suspense. But we may observe this
striking difference between them, namely--the former will certainly be
cut down, while the latter will most probably be cut up.
A COURTIER.
One of our scarlet courtiers, lighting from his great prancing horse at
the court gate, called to one that stood by, and bid him hold his horse
whilst he walked into the court. The man seemed afraid of the beast,
and asked him if he was not unruly, and whether one man might hold
him or no; he answered yes very easily. “Nay, then,” said he, “_If it
be but one man’s work I would wish you to do it yourself_, for I have
other business than to walk horses.”
PICTURES HANGED.
A fantastic gentleman having bespoke divers pictures to furnish a
gallery: when the limner brought them home, he would presently dispose
them in their several places. “Here,” said he, “hang this, here that,
and there that; but at this end, _in full view of the door, will I be
hanged myself_.”
A GENTLEMAN AND HIS MISTRESS.
A gentleman, playing on the lute under his mistress’s window; she
disdaining his presence and despising his service, caused her servants
to pelt him thence with stones; of which disgrace complaining
afterwards to a friend of his, his friend told him that he had much
mistaken the gentle woman; for what greater grace could she do to your
music than _to make the very stones dance about you, as they did to
Orpheus_.
ONE FOWLE A GENTLEMAN.