most extraordinary thing. A reverend D.D. was appointed to be judge of
their respective pretensions. One produced his tailor’s bill, with a
receipt attached to it; a cry went through the room, that this would
not be outdone; when a second proved that he had arrested his tailor
for money lent to him. The palm is his, was the universal outcry; when
a third observed, “Gentlemen, I cannot boast of the feats of either of
my predecessors; but I have returned to the owners two umbrellas that
they had left at my house.” “I’ll hear no more,” cried the arbiter;
“this is the very _ne plus ultra_ of honest and unheard of deeds; it is
an act of virtue of which I never before knew any person capable: the
prize is yours.”
LORD PETERBOROUGH.
The eccentric Lord Peterborough, though one of the most brilliant
of modern military characters, was overshadowed by the Duke of
Marlborough. On a temporary return from Spain, where he was commanding,
he found all his projects, proposals, and recommendations taken by
the ministry _ad referendum_ which disgusted him so much, that he
threw himself into a sedan chair to return home, and drawing the
curtains all round, sat indulging in his own morose thoughts. As he
was passing through the streets, the populace took up an idea that he
was the rival general, and gathered round, crying, “God bless the Duke
of Marlborough! God bless the Duke of Marlborough!” “Gentlemen,” said
his lordship, pushing down one of the windows, “I am not the Duke of
Marlborough.” “O yes,” said a spokesman of the multitude, “you are the
Duke of Marlborough: we know you well enough.” “Gentlemen,” said Lord
Peterborough, “I am not the Duke of Marlborough. Let me down,” he cried
to the chairman. Got out of the chair, and now standing,--“I am not the
Duke of Marlborough, I tell you, and I will now give you two convincing
proofs that I am not; one is, that I have but a single guinea,” and he
turned his pockets inside out: “the other is, that I give it you;” and
he threw it among them.
LEGAL ADVICE.
“Sir,” said a barber to an attorney who was passing his door, “will you
tell me if this is a good seven-shilling piece?” The lawyer pronouncing
the piece good, deposited it in his pocket, adding, with great gravity,
“if you’ll send your lad to my office, I’ll return the fourpence.”
BON MOT OF GEORGE II.
A heavy-heeled cavalry officer, at one of the Brighton balls, astounded
the room by the peculiar _impressiveness_ of his dancing. A circle of
affrighted ladies fluttered over to the prince, and inquired by what
possibility they could escape being trampled out of the world by this
formidable performer. “Nothing can be done,” said the prince, “since
the war is over; then he might have been sent back to America, as a
republication of the _stamp_ act.”
PULTENEY, EARL OF BATH.
Lord Bath passed for one of the wisest men in England. “When one is in
opposition,” was one of his sayings, “it is very easy to know what to
say; but when one is minister, it is difficult to know what not to say.”
ANOTHER OF THE SAME.
Lord Chancellor Loughborough told the Duke of Bridgewater he never knew
Lord Bath. “How?” said Bridgewater; “were you not a minister at the
same time that he was a minister?” “Yes,” was the reply, “personally;
but I used to go to bed before twelve, and Lord Bath never was himself
(that is, in the full plenitude of his faculties and gaiety) till
after.”
ADVANTAGES OF LOW PRICES.
A gentleman in one of the steam-packets asked the steward, when he came
round to collect the passage money (of 6_d._ each for the best cabin),
if there was not some danger of being blown up? The latter promptly
replied, “No, sir, not the least; we cannot afford to blow people up at
these low prices.”
JACOBITISM.
Lord Peterborough, about the time of the revolution of 1688, was
anxious to obtain a fine singing canary from a coffeehouse keeper
in London, his mistress having taken a fancy for it. Finding the
people obstinately bent against selling it, he at last contrived to
steal it, leaving a female one in its place. Some two years after, he
ventured to say to the good woman of the house, that he supposed she
would now take the money he formerly offered for the bird. “Indeed,
sir,” answered she, “I would not; nor would I take any sum for him;
for,--would you believe it?--from the time that our good king was
forced to go abroad and leave us, _the dear creature has not sung a
note_!”
A TERRIBLE THING OUT-TERRIBLED.
A dull play-wright, about to read one of his compositions in the
green-room at Drury Lane, observed, that he knew nothing so terrible as
reading a piece before such a critical audience. “I know one thing more
terrible,” said Mrs. Powell. “What can that be?” asked the author. “To
be obliged to sit and hear it.”
WRECKERS.
The people at a certain part of the coast of Cornwall, where wrecks
frequently happen, used to be so demoralized by the unrestrained
plunder of the unfortunate vessels, that they lost almost every humane
feeling. It is said that even the clergy sunk under the dominion of
this species of selfishness, and were almost as bad as the people.
One Sunday, the news of a wreck was promulgated to a congregation
engaged in public worship; and in an instant all were eagerly hurrying
out at the door, to set off towards the spot. The clergyman hereupon
called, in a most emphatic voice, that he only desired to say five more
words to them. They turned with impatient attention to hear him. He
approached, as if to address them; when, having got to the front of the
throng, “Now,” says he, “let us start fair!” and off he ran, all the
rest following him, towards the place where the wreck had happened,
which, it is believed, he was the first to reach.
SIR ISAAC NEWTON.
All the world has heard of Sir Isaac Newton roasting himself before a
great fire, till informed of the possibility of escaping the fate he
apprehended by pushing back his chair. The story of his employing the
finger of a lady, whom he was courting, as a tobacco-stopper is equally
well-known. Not so that which follows:--Dr. Stukely, one day visiting
Sir Isaac by appointment, was told by a servant that the philosopher
was in his study. No one was permitted to disturb him there; but as
it was near dinner time the visitor sat down to wait for him. After a
time, dinner was brought in--a boiled chicken under a cover. An hour
passed, and Sir Isaac did not appear. The doctor ate the fowl, and,
covering up the empty dish, bade the servant dress another for her
master. Before that was ready the great man came down; he apologised
for his delay, and added, “Give me but leave to take my short dinner,
and I shall be at your service; I am fatigued and faint.” Saying this,
he lifted the cover, and, without any emotion, turned about to Stukely
with a smile: “See,” says he, “what we studious people are; I forgot I
had dined.”
INDIRECT ANSWER.
A person employed by a sick gentleman to read to him, very soon evinced
a great aptitude to stumble whenever he came to any word not belonging
to his mother tongue. Tired with this at length, the sick man asked
him if he really pretended to know any other language than his own.
“Why, really sir,” answered the unfortunate reader, “I cannot exactly
say I do; but I have a brother who is perfectly acquainted with French.”
JOHN BUNYAN.
What are now denominated _mince pies_ were formerly called _Christmas
pies_. When John Bunyan, author of the Pilgrim’s Progress, was in
Shrewsbury gaol for preaching and praying, a gentleman who knew his
abhorrence of anything Popish, and wished to play upon his peculiarity,
one 25th of December sent his servant to the poor puritan, and desired
his acceptance of a large Christmas pie. John took little time to
consider; but, seizing the pastry, desired the messenger to thank his
master, and “Tell him,” added he, “I have lived long enough, and am now
hungry enough, to know the difference between _Christmas_ and _pie_.”
PREVENTIVE OF JEALOUSY.
A beautiful young lady having called out an ugly gentleman to dance
with her, he was astonished at the condescension, and believing that
she was in love with him, in a very pressing manner desired to know
why she had selected him from the rest of the company, “Because, sir,”
replied the lady, “my husband commanded me to select such a partner as
should not give him cause for jealousy.”
HAPPINESS.
A captain in the navy meeting a friend as he landed at Portsmouth
point, boasted that he had left his whole ship’s company the happiest
fellows in the world. “How so?” asked his friend. “Why, I have just
flogged _seventeen_, and they are happy it is over; and all the rest
are happy that they have escaped.”
AN EXPEDIENT.
The following anecdote is related of Sir Robert Walpole: Being afraid
on one occasion that the bishops would vote against him in a question
before the House of Lords, he induced the Archbishop of Canterbury to
stay at home for two or three days, and circulated a report that his
Grace was dangerously ill. On the day of meeting the house was crowded
with lawn-sleeves, not one of which voted against the court!
GRAND-DAUGHTER OF CROMWELL.
In the suite of the Princess Amelia, aunt of George III., there was a
lady of the name of Russell, grand-daughter of Oliver Cromwell, and who
it would seem inherited, without any alloy, much of his undaunted and
ready spirit. On 30th of January, she was occupied in adjusting some
part of the princess’ dress, when the Prince of Wales (Frederick) came
into the room and said, “For shame, Miss Russell, why have you not been
at church humbling yourself for the sins of this day committed by your
grandfather?” “Sir,” replied Miss Russell, “for a grand-daughter of
Oliver Cromwell, it is humiliation sufficient to be employed as I am,
in pinning up your sister’s train.”
PURCEL.
Daniel Purcel, who was a non-juror, told a friend that he had a full
view of George the First as he landed at Greenwich. “Then,” said his
friend, “you know him by sight.” “Yes,” said Purcel, “I think I know
him; but I can’t swear to him.”
PENN AND CHARLES II.
When the celebrated Penn visited Charles II., the king, observing him
keep on his hat, took off his own, and stood uncovered before his
precise subject, who said, “Prithee, friend Charles, put on thy hat.”
“No,” said the king; “it is customary for only one man to stand covered
here.”
NO JOKE.
A gentleman whose grounds had the misfortune to lie near a public
road, and were therefore much intruded upon, set up a board to scare
offenders by the notification that steel-traps and spring-guns were
set in these enclosures. This, however, being no more than the common
warning, was totally disregarded: the grounds were just as much
molested, and the fruit of the orchard as constantly stolen as ever. At
length he caused to be painted in very large prominent letters below
the other inscription--“No joke, by God!” which, it is stated, had the
desired effect.
MAJOR LONGBOW.
A gentleman who had made a fortune abroad, returned in advanced life,
like many other such persons, to tell long stories at home. Sensible
of a natural weakness he possessed of exaggerating every thing he
spoke of, he kept a sober Scotch servant, who was instructed to touch
his shoulder whenever his fault began to be observable. One day he
told a story of a fox which he had seen at Grenada with a tail ten
feet long. The man touched his shoulder. “Well,” said he, “I am sure I
speak within the mark, when I say the tail was _eight_ feet.” Still
David touched his shoulder. “Well, at least _six_ feet.” Still a touch.
“Well, _three_.” Still another touch, until, provoked at last by the
servant’s incredulity--“What the devil!” says he, turning about, “would
you have the fox to have had no tail at all!”
THE BROOM-SELLER.
Bacon was wont to commend much the saying of an old man at Buxton, who
sold brooms. A young spendthrift came to him for a broom upon trust, to
whom the old man said--“Friend, hast thou no money? borrow of thy back
and of thy belly; they’ll never ask thee for it: I shall be dunning
thee every day.
A SAILOR’S EXPLANATION.
A stranger, passing St. Paul’s cathedral, asked a sailor whom he met,
what figures those were at the west front, to which it was answered,
“The twelve apostles.” “How can that be,” inquired the stranger, “when
there are but six of them?” “Damn your eyes!” said the tar, “would you
have them all on deck at once!”
MAKING SURE.
During the Protestant riots of 1780, most persons in London, in order
to save their houses from being burnt or pulled down, wrote on their
doors, “No Popery!” Old Grimaldi, the mimic, to avoid all mistakes,
wrote on his, “No Religion.”
OLD, BUT NOT TO BE TIRED ON.
A traveller, coming into the kitchen of an inn on a very cold night,
stood so close to the fire that he burned his boots. A little boy,
who sat in the chimney corner, cried out to him, “Take care, sir,
or you will burn your spurs.” “My boots you mean, I suppose,” said
the traveller. “O no, sir,” replied the arch rogue, “_they be burnt
already_.”
ANOTHER.
One poor beau told another that his new coat was too short for him.
“True,” answered he of the short skirts: “I assure you, however, it
will be _long enough_ before I get another.”
LOCALITY OF FEELING.
A melting sermon being preached in a country church, all wept except
one man, who was asked why he did not weep with the rest. “Oh!” said
he, “I belong to another parish.”
CONSOLATION.
A gentleman, lying on his death-bed, called his coachman, who had
been an old servant, and said--“Ah, Tom! I am going a long and rugged
journey, worse than ever you drove me.” “Oh, dear sir,” replied Tom,
“don’t let that discourage you; it is all down hill.”
HOLE _versus_ DARN.
Ned Shuter thus explained his reason for preferring to wear stockings
with holes to having them darned:--“A hole,” said he, “may be the
accident of a day, and will pass upon the best gentleman; but a darn is
_premeditated poverty_.”
NAUTICAL INDIFFERENCE.
A sailor at the battle of Trafalgar had his leg shot off below the
knee. “That’s but a shilling touch,” said he, alluding to the scale
of pensions for wounds; “an inch higher and I should have had my
eighteenpence for it.” As they were taking him away to get his leg
dressed he called to a brother tar,--“Bob, take a look for my leg, and
give me the silver buckle out of my shoe; I’ll do as much for you,
please God, another time.”
ALE.
A traveller, calling at a little inn, the landlord of which was very
tenacious of the character of his home-brewed ale, after sipping the
beverage, begged to have it warmed. “What! warm my ale!” exclaimed
Boniface; “damn that stomach that won’t warm the ale, say I!” “And,”
cried the potator, “_damn that ale that won’t warm the stomach_, say I.”
FEMALE CONTRIVANCE.
Mary Queen of Scots was a long time under the charge of George, Earl
of Shrewsbury, who found the duty exceedingly troublesome, and,
furthermore, attended with great danger. His wife at length contrived
to get him quit of it, by representing to Elizabeth that she suspected
a growing attachment between her husband and Mary. Nothing more was
required with the maiden queen; Mary was soon ordered another keeper.
THE GAMESTER.
There is much philosophy in the following anecdote. At the time when
the seconds in a duel used to engage as heartily as the principals, a
gentleman, who had had a run of good luck at cards, was asked to act
in that capacity to a friend. “I am not,” said he, “the man for your
purpose; but go and apply to him from whom I won a thousand guineas
last night, and I warrant you he will fight like any devil.”
GIBBON’S PUNCTUALITY.
Gibbon the historian was very punctual in his habits, dividing his time
after the manner of King Alfred, and never prolonging a particular
employment a moment beyond the stated hour of its termination. He once
discharged a hairdresser for coming five minutes too late. The next he
sent for, to make sure, came five minutes too soon. That was as bad;
he was discharged too. A third, by pitching his arrival exactly as the
clock struck, was retained.
NE SUTOR.
A sculptor hearing a cobbler find fault with the sandal on the foot of
one of his statues, thought the man’s objections so reasonable that
he altered it, and returned him his thanks. The cobbler, arrogating
consequence to himself, began to disapprove of the formation of the
knee. “Hold, my friend,” cried the artist, “a cobbler’s criticisms
should never go above the _sole_.”
GEORGE III. AND THE WHIGS.
When the Whigs came into power in 1806, they turned out everybody, even
Lord Sandwich, the master of the stag-hounds. The king met his lordship
soon after. “How do you do?” cried his majesty. “So they have turned
you off? it was not my fault, upon my honour, for it was as much as I
could do to keep my own place.”
DEFINITIONS.
Horne Tooke, in his “Diversions of Purley,” introduces the derivation
of King Pipin from the Greek noun _osper_, as thus,--osper, eper, oper;
diaper; napkin, nipkin pipkin, pepin king--King Pipin! And, in another
work, we find the etymology of pickled cucumber from King Jeremiah!
_exempli gratia_--King Jeremiah, Jeremiah King; Jerry, king; jerkin,
gerkin, pickled cucumber! Also, the name of Mr. Fox, as derived from
a rainy day; as thus--Rainy day, rain a little, rain much, rain hard,
reynard, fox!
SIGNS AND TOKENS.
If you see a man and woman, with little or no occasion, often finding
fault and correcting each other in company, you may be sure they are
husband and wife. If you see a lady and gentleman in the same coach
in profound silence, the one looking out at the window and the other
at the opposite side, be assured they mean no harm to each other, but
are husband and wife. If you see a lady accidentally let fall a glove
or a handkerchief, and a gentleman that is next to her tell her of it,
that she may pick it up, set them down for husband and wife. If you
see a man and woman walk in the fields at twenty yards distance in a
direct line, and a man striding over a style and still going on _sans
cérémonie_, you may swear they are husband and wife. If you see a lady
whose beauty attracts the notice of every person present except one
man, and he speaks to her in a rough manner, and does not appear at all
affected by her charms, depend upon it they are husband and wife.
THE MIRACLE.
An old mass priest in the reign of Henry VIII., after the Bible was
translated, was reading the miracle of the five loaves and two fishes.
When he came to the verse that reckons the number of the guests, he
paused a little, and at last said they were about five hundred; the
clerk whispered in his ear that it was five thousand. “Hold your
tongue, sirrah,” said the priest, “we shall never persuade the people
it was five thousand.”
SWEARING AND DRIVING.
A bishop being at his seat in the country where the roads were
uncommonly bad, went to pay a visit to a person of quality in the
neighbourhood, when his coach was overturned in a slough, and the
servants were unable to extricate the carriage. As it was far from any
house, and the weather bad, the coachman freely told his master he
believed they must stay there all night; “For,” said he, “while your
Grace is present I cannot make the horses move.” Astonished at this
strange reason, his lordship desired him to explain himself. “It is,”
said he, “because I dare not swear in your presence; and if I don’t, we
shall never get clear.” The bishop, finding nothing could be done if
the servant was not humoured, replied, “Well then, swear a little, but
not much.” The coachman made use of his permission, and the horses used
to such a kind of dialect, soon set the coach at liberty.
WHOLESALE PRACTICE.
A physician in a metropolitan hospital, a few years ago, being in haste
to leave his public for his private duties, was asked by the house
surgeon what he should do with the right and left wards? “O,” exclaimed
the other, “what did you do with them yesterday?” “By your directions,”
said the surgeon, “I bled all the right ward, and purged all the left.”
“Good,” replied the other; “then to-day, purge all the right, and
bleed all the left;” and then leapt into his carriage.
DECENCY AND DANGER.
A fire happening next door to a gentleman’s house, he was a full half
hour before he could prevail on his wife to quit her room, into which
she had locked herself. At length she came forth, greatly alarmed, in
her shift, her under petticoat, and one long ruffle on her arm. “Bless
my soul?” cried her husband, “what a while you have been, and knew the
next house to be on fire.” “I can’t help it my dear,” cried she, “if
our own house was in flames; I only stopped to make myself _decent_.”
LADY HARDWICK AND HER BAILIFF.
A bailiff, having been ordered by Lady Hardwick to procure a sow of the
breed and size she particularly described to him, came one day into the
dining-room, when full of great company, proclaiming with a burst of
joy he could not suppress, “I have been at Royston fair, my lady, and
got a sow exactly of your ladyship’s size.”
PERFECTION.
A celebrated preacher having remarked in a sermon that every thing made
by God was perfect, “What think you of me?” said a deformed man in a
pew beneath, who arose from his seat, and pointed at his own back.
“Think of you,” reiterated the preacher; “why, that you are the most
_perfect hunchback_ my eyes ever beheld.”
RECOVERY OF A SPENDTHRIFT.
A nobleman, whose son was a hard drinker, and had been cutting down
all the trees upon his estate, inquired of Charles Townshend, who
had just returned from a visit to him, “Well, Charles, how does my
graceless dog of a son go on?” “Why, I should think, my lord,” said
Charles, “he is on the _recovery_, as I left him _drinking the woods_.”
CLERICAL PREFERMENT.
Among the daily inquiries after the health of an aged Bishop of Durham,
during his indisposition, no one was more sedulously punctual than the
Bishop of ----, and the invalid seemed to think that other motives
than those of anxious kindness might contribute to this solicitude.
One morning he ordered the messenger to be shewn into his room, and
thus addressed him:--“Be so good as present my compliments to my Lord
Bishop, and tell him that I am better--much better; but that the Bishop
of Winchester has got a sore throat, arising from a bad cold, _if that
will do_.”
STATE AFFAIRS.
A coach containing four members of parliament was overturned in the
Strand. A countryman passing inquired who were the unfortunate persons;
and being told, “Oh, let them lie,” cried he, “my father advised me not
to meddle with state affairs.”
CHARLES II.
The following anecdote, if it have not much of the wit, has at least
a good deal of the character, of “the Merry Monarch.” He had a saying
that five made the best company. It happened that a recruiting captain
was so remarkably unsuccessful as to raise only five persons. When it
was proposed that he should be broken for negligence, the king inquired
how many he had raised, and being told, “Oddsfish!” cried his majesty,
“he shan’t, for five’s the best company in the world.”
FERGUSON THE PLOTTER.
When this famous person was taken up for his concern in some of the
plots of the reign of Charles II., and brought before Lord Nottingham
to be examined, his lordship said, “I intend to be very brief with
you, Mr. Ferguson, and only ask one or two questions;” to which the
prisoner replied, with his usual acrimony of tone, “And I intend to be
as short as your lordship, and not answer one of them.” Whereupon he
was committed to Newgate.
DELICACY.
A courtier of the time of Charles II.--the greatest of his age--used
to pay the following pretty compliment to the scruples which are
entertained by ladies on the subject of age; he used to say to his lady
every New Year’s Day, “Well, madam, how old will your ladyship please
to be this year?”
EXAMPLE.
Examples make a greater impression upon us than precepts. An old
counsellor in Holborn used to turn out his clerks every execution-day
with this compliment, “Go, ye young rogues--to school and improve.”
SIR FRANCIS BACON.
When Queen Elizabeth made her famous procession to St. Paul’s to return
public thanksgivings for the destruction of the Spanish armada, the
citizens were ranged along one side of Fleet Street, and the lawyers on
the other. As the Queen passed Temple Bar, Bacon, then a student, said
to a lawyer that stood next him, “Do you observe the courtiers; if
they bow first to the citizens, they are in debt; if to us, they are in
law.”
ACQUIESCENCE.