entreated one of the firemen to play the engine upon a particular
door, and backed his request by the bribe of a shilling. The fireman
consequently complied, upon which the arch rogue exclaimed--“You’ve
done what I never could do, for, egad, you’ve liquidated my score!”
BON MOT.
A young clergyman, having the _misfortune_ to bury five wives, being in
company with a number of ladies, was severely rallied by them upon the
circumstance. At last one of them rather impertinently put the question
to him, “How he managed to have such good luck?” “Why, madam,” said the
other, “I knew they could not _live_ without contradiction, therefore I
let them have their own way.”
BRUISING MATCH.
A provincial paper, giving an account of a bruising match between two
men of the names of Hill and Potter, concluded by saying--“That after
sixteen rounds, _Hill_ beat his antagonist _hollow_.”
SMART RETORT.
Lord B---- wore his whiskers extremely large. Curran meeting him,
“Pray, my lord,” said he, “when do you intend to reduce your whiskers
to the _peace establishment_?” “When you, Mr Curran,” said his
lordship, “put your tongue upon the _civil list_.”
LODGINGS.
A young gentleman seeing a bill on a window announcing lodgings to let,
knocked at the door of the house, and was conducted by a pretty girl
into the apartments that were to be occupied. The gentleman, struck
with the charms of his conductress, said,--“Pray, my dear, are you to
be let with this lodging?” “No, sir,” answered the nymph; “I am to _be
let alone_.”
THE RISING GENERATION.
A methodist parson observed, in one of his discourses, that “such was
the change in the public manners of the nation, that the _rising_
generation rarely _lie down_ till three o’clock in the morning.”
THE MISER’S ADVICE.
The following advice was left by a miser to his nephew: “Buy your
coals in summer; your furniture at auctions, about a fortnight after
quarter-day; and your books at the _fall of the leaf_.”
ADVERTISEMENT.
Some years ago, there appeared in the English papers an advertisement,
which much resembles our notions of an Irish bull, in these words,
which are the title to the advertisement:--“Every _man_ his own
_washer-woman_!”
WELSH TOURIST.
A Welsh tourist, among many other _judicious_ observations, remarked
that the _mad_-house of Lanark was in a very _crazy_ state.
THE WORST OF ALL CRIMES.
An old offender being asked, whether he had committed all the crimes
laid to his charge? answered,--“I have done still worse--I have
suffered myself to be apprehended.”
SELDEN.
When the learned John Selden was a member of the Assembly of Divines
at Westminster, who were appointed to new-model religion, he delighted
to puzzle them by curious quibbles. Once they were gravely engaged
in determining the exact distance between Jerusalem and Jericho; and
one of them, to prove it could not be great, observed, “that _fish_
were carried from one place to the other.” On which Selden observed,
“Perhaps it was _salt_ fish;” which again threw the Assembly into doubt.
TRADE.
A gentleman passing Milford churchyard a few days since, observing the
sexton digging a grave addressed him with--“Well, how goes trade in
your line, friend?” “Very _dead_, sir!” was the reply.
NAUTICAL SERMON.
When Whitfield preached before the seamen at New York he had the
following bold apostrophe in his sermon: “Well, my boys, we have a
clear sky, and are making fine headway over a smooth sea before a
light breeze, and we shall soon lose sight of land. But what means
this sudden louring of the heavens, and that dark cloud arising from
beneath the western horizon? Don’t you hear distant thunder? Don’t you
see those flashes of lightning? There is a storm gathering! Every man
to his duty! How the waves rise and dash against the ship! The air is
dark! the tempest rages! Our masts are gone! The ship is on her beam
ends! What next?” It is said, that the unsuspecting tars, reminded of
former perils on the deep, as if struck by the power of magic, arose,
with united voices and minds, and exclaimed, “Take to the longboat!”
Mr. Whitfield, seizing upon this reply, urged them to take to Jesus
Christ as the long boat, with an ingenuity which produced the happiest
effects.
SENSIBILITY.
A lady, who made pretensions to the most refined feelings, went to
her butcher to remonstrate with him on his cruel practices. “How,”
said she, “can you be so barbarous as to put innocent little lambs to
death?” “Why not, madam?” said the butcher; “you wouldn’t eat them
alive, would you?”
GRATIFYING REFLECTION.
An English baronet, being asked when he should finish his house,
ingenuously answered, “Sir, it is a question whether I shall finish my
house, or my house finish me.”
ALDERMAN WOOD.
A certain alderman, when young, was thought clever at carving figures
from _wood_. He was asked from whence he copied them? “No where,” said
the worthy dignitary; “I made ’em all _out of my own head_.”
“Thus Pallas sprang from brains of Jove.”
MATHEMATICAL WIND.
One morning, after a tempestuous night, during which several trees
were rooted up, Dr. Vince, at Cambridge, met a friend, who said, “Good
morning, doctor; a terrible wind this!” “Yes, sir,” replied the doctor,
smiling; “quite a _mathematical wind_, for I see it has _extracted
several roots_!”
BON MOT OF GEORGE IV.
The king, when Prince of Wales, attending Lewes races one day, when a
drenching rain kept away the greater part of the expected attendants,
on its being observed how few of the nobility had been upon the course,
“I beg pardon,” said the prince; “I think I saw a very handsome
_sprinkling_ of the nobility.”
WELSH GENTILITY.
When James I. was on the road near Chester, he was met by such numbers
of the Welsh, who came out of curiosity to see him, that the weather
being dry and the roads dusty, he was nearly suffocated. He was
completely at a loss in what manner to rid himself of them civilly; at
last one of his attendants, putting his head out of the coach, said,
“It is his majesty’s pleasure that those who are the best gentlemen
shall ride forwards.” Away scampered the Welsh, and but one solitary
man was left behind. “And so, sir,” says the king to him, “you are not
a gentleman, then?” “O yes, and please your majesty, hur is as good a
shentleman as the rest; but hur ceffyl (horse), God help hur, is not so
good.”
YOUR BIRTH.
We often laugh at our neighbours’ mistakes; they might have smiled at
our own, had they overheard a passenger in one of our steam packets,
who wished to inform a French lady on board that her “berth was ready,”
make the communication as follows:--“Madame _votre_ NAISSANCE _est
arrangée_.”
SIR CHARLES WETHERELL.
This distinguished member of the House of Commons has too much of the
free-born Englishman about him to submit to the thraldom of braces. A
certain high officer in the House is said to have remarked, that during
the whole course of his speech he observed but one lucid interval. “And
which was that?” inquired Mr. P----. “The space,” replied the former,
“between his waistcoat and the waistband of his trousers.” “You jest,”
replied Mr. P----, “and should rather say, if you noted the hue of his
under garment that it was _darkness visible_.”
TAXES.
Some _profound_ financiers tell us, that it is of no consequence to us
how much we are taxed, because the taxes raised are not thrown away,
but spent among us. We might as well tell the housewife, that when her
fagot is burned it is not _wasted_; it is merely decomposed and sent
into the atmosphere, and that it will return in some _shape or other_:
both stories are very philosophical; but the old lady would tell you
that she could not replace her fagot without putting her hand into her
pocket.
UNEXPECTED INTERPRETATION.
An _independent_ elector of one of the midland counties, when
called upon by a young slip of aristocracy, who was canvassing the
freeholders, replied, that if the right honourable candidate would
engage to bestow on his (the elector’s) second son a situation in his
lordship’s gift, in the event of its becoming vacant, the suffrage
should certainly be given as solicited. “My dear sir,” was the reply,
“I shall be too proud to serve your son.” The scion of the noble house
of ---- was returned, and the vacancy anticipated by the elector
shortly occurred; but his lordship wisely disposed of it to one from
whom he had still something to expect. The disappointed voter was
exclaiming loudly to one of his acquaintances against this breach of
faith on the part of his lordship. “I do not perceive,” answered his
friend, “that he has been guilty of any. He told you that he should be
too proud to serve your son, and the event has shown that he spoke the
truth.”
ONE EXCEPTION.
A disappointed author, indulging in a vein of abuse against a
successful rival, exclaimed, “He is, without exception, the most
superficial, self-sufficient, ignorant shallow creature that ever made
any pretensions to literature.” “Gently, my dear sir,” interrupted a
gentleman; “_you quite forget yourself_.”
GO TO BRIGHTON.
A _poor_ valetudinarian was recommended to take a change of air for the
benefit of his health. “Go to Brighton,” said the medical man; “the air
of Brighton is very _good_ for _pectoral_ complaints.” “But very _bad_
for _pocket_ complaints, is it not doctor?” replied the invalid.
GIVING THE DEVIL HIS DUE.
Swift, in preaching an assize sermon, was severe upon the lawyers for
pleading against their consciences. After dinner, a young counsel said
some severe things upon the clergy, and added, that he did not doubt,
were the devil to die, a parson might be found to preach his funeral
sermon. “Yes,” says Swift, “I would, and would give the devil his due,
as I did his children this morning.”
OUT OF PLACE.
When the beau-monde held their coteries, and pitched tents upon the
leads of the houses, it was referred to a person, who, not approving of
it, said that it was making too great an encroachment upon the cats.
CURTAILED.
A strapping fellow told a diminutive man that he was “curtailed of
man’s fair proportion.” “If you will just step out on the green,” said
the little one, “you shall find that I am not _cur-hearted_, although I
am _cur-tailed_.”
A GOOD MOVE.
Sheridan being on a Parliamentary committee, one day entered the
room as all the members were seated, and ready to commence business:
perceiving no empty seat, he bowed, and, looking round the table with a
droll expression of countenance, said, “Will any gentleman _move_ that
I may _take the chair_.”
LORD ERSKINE.
At a trial about an engraving, where several distinguished artists were
summoned to give evidence, Lord (then Mr.) Erskine, after flourishing
away, made an attempt to puzzle Mr. Stothard, by drawing two angles on
a piece of paper, an acute and an obtuse one, and asking, “Do you mean
to say these two are alike?” “Yes, I do,” was the answer. “I see,” said
Erskine, turning round, “there is nothing to be got by _angling_ here.”
SMART REPARTEE.
A officer in the army being entertained at a gentleman’s table while
he was in Scotland, happened to commend very highly a dish of fish.
A rigid parson of the kirk, looking upon him as a reprobate for being
pleased with his dinner, said, “While you pamper the flesh, sir, I hope
you do not starve the inward man; the soul is not fed at the mouth, and
you ought not to lust after the food that perisheth.” The officer was
somewhat surprised at this sermon in miniature; but perceiving that
his monitor was, like Sir John Falstaff, hugely waisted, he replied,
with a smile, fixing his eyes full upon the preacher’s protuberant
paunch, “I will be admonished by your example, for I see plainly by
your tabernacle, that your food does not perish.” He then proceeded
to exercise his knife and fork with additional vigour, as the plump
kirkman encouraged him by his _actions_ not to pay any regard to his
words.
FASHIONABLE DINNER HOUR.
Some one remarking that the dinner hour was always getting later and
later, “Aye,” quoth Sam Rogers, “It will soon end in our not dining
till to-morrow.”
THE INFERNAL MACHINE.
The infernal machine exploded in the streets of Paris after Bonaparte’s
carriage had passed, but before Josephine’s came up; which being the
subject of conversation in a miscellaneous company in England, some one
asked what they were talking of. “Nothing material,” answered a wit;
“only a _blow up_ between the First Consul and his wife.”
LORD THURLOW.
Lord Thurlow, Lord Chancellor of England, was one of the sternest, and,
at the same time, most tempestuous men that ever lived. A mace-bearer,
who had attended him for years in awful silence, one day thought he
perceived something like a bright streak of good humour enter the lurid
horizon of his lordship’s face, and ventured to simper out, “My lord,
there is a fine day.” “Damn you and the day too!” thundered out the
black-browed chancellor.
CONJECTURAL KNOWLEDGE.
The following brief, but pithy dialogue, occurred on the Epsom road,
between a Cockney and a countryman:--
_Cockney._ I say, Bill, my good fellow, vich is the way to Epsom.
_Countryman._ How did you know that my name was Bill?
_Cockney._ Vy, I guessed it.
_Countryman._ But how do you know that I was a good fellow?
_Cockney._ Vy, I guessed it.
_Countryman._ Then, guess the way to Epsom.
JAMES THE SECOND’S SINGLE GOOD THING.
There is but one instance on record of James II. uttering an expression
of wit or humour, and, strange to say, that would appear to have been
expressed from him by the weight of his sorrows at the Revolution.
During the advance of the Prince of Orange towards London, as, morning
after morning, some leading man or other was found to have left the
king’s camp during the night, and gone over to the Liberator, the
Prince of Denmark used to exclaim, as each successive instance was
related to his majesty, “Est il possible?” (Is it possible?) as if he
could not believe there was so much treachery in human nature. At
length, the good Prince of Denmark found it necessary, with his wife
Anne, to follow the example of those well-principled persons: James
remarked, when told of it in the morning, “What! is Est-il-possible
gone too!”
PROOF.
A woman, suspected of having given poison to her husband, was
apprehended by the constable. The man certainly looked very ill; yet,
as there was no direct proof, and as, above all things, he had not
died, there was some probability in her favour. Mr. Constable was sadly
puzzled between the pro and con; and was at last fairly driven from the
field by the following appeal from the weeping lady:--“I never gave him
any thing to hurt him: only _open_ him, and you will see how false it
is!”
DR. FRIEND.
Dr. Friend, coming home after having got himself highly praised at
a dinner party, was called out to see a lady taken dangerously ill.
With some difficulty he went, or rather was led, to the bedside of
the patient; where, holding fast by a bed-post with one hand, he
seized with the other the lady’s wrist; but all attempts to note the
pulsations were vain, and he could only mumble out, “Drunk, by Jove!
Drunk!” “Oh, madam,” cried the waiting-maid, as soon as the physician
was gone, “what a wonderful man! How soon he discovered what was the
matter with you!”
SIR RICHARD JEBB.
This eminent physician was a man of impatient, irritable temper, and,
when bored with the querulous complaints of some of his patients,
could hardly ever force himself to return a civil answer. Sometimes
his irritability led him to explode in a furious anathema, mingled
with horrible oaths; sometimes he assumed a tone of quiet but severe
sarcasm. A troublesome patient, who only fancied himself ill, pestered
him one day with inquiries as to what he should eat. “My directions on
that point,” said Sir Richard, “will be few and simple: You must not
eat the shovel, poker, or tongs, for they are hard of digestion; nor
the bellows, for they are windy; but _any thing else you please_!”
BEST UPPER LEATHER.
The following _sound_ advice occurs in an almanack:--“If you wish to
have a shoe of durable materials, you should make the upper leather of
the mouth of a hard drinker; for that never lets in water.”
DÆDALUS.
A fellow once brought a vast number of people together in London by
giving out that, on a certain day, he would fly over Westminster Hall,
in the manner of Icarus. One of the crowd, waiting for this sight on
Westminster Bridge, inquired of a neighbour, “Pray, who was Icarus?” to
which the reply was, “The son of _Diddle-us_, I believe.”
DR. RADCLIFFE.
Dr. Radcliffe was avaricious, and would never pay his bills without
much importunity. A pavior, after many fruitless attempts, caught him
as he was going out in his chariot. “Why, you rascal,” said the doctor,
“do you pretend to be paid for such a piece of work? Why, you have
spoiled my pavement, and then covered it over with earth to hide your
bad work.” “Doctor,” said the pavior, “mine is not the only bad work
the earth hides.” “You dog, you,” said the doctor, “are you a wit? You
must be poor; come in and be paid.”
LORD SANDWICH.
Lord Sandwich, a member of that administration which carried on the
American war, though a dignified looking nobleman in dress, was
so ungainly a walker on the street, that, on a gentleman of his
acquaintance expressing a doubt whether an individual at a distance was
his lordship or not, another is said to have remarked, “Oh, yes, I am
sure it is Lord Sandwich, for, if you observe, he is walking down both
sides of the street at once.” His lordship used to relate of himself
that, having once taken lessons in dancing at Paris, he asked the
_professor_ at the conclusion, if he could do him any favour in his
own country; to which the man replied, bowing, “I should take it as a
particular favour if your lordship would never tell any one of whom you
learned to dance.”
OLD BAILEY WIT.
A man was tried for stealing a pair of boots from a shop-door in
Holborn, with which he ran away. _Judge, to shoemaker, who had
pursued and seized the prisoner_--“What did he say when you caught
him?” _Witness_--“My lord, he said he took the boots in a joke.”
_Judge_--“And pray, how far was he off when you caught him?”
_Witness_--“About forty yards, please your lordship.” _Judge_--“I
am afraid this is carrying the joke too far;” and he condemned the
prisoner.
WATERLOO MEDAL.
A Frenchman sneered at a British soldier for wearing a Waterloo medal,
a thing which did not cost the English government three francs. “It may
have cost the English government only three francs,” said the soldier;
“but it cost the French a _Napoleon_ besides.”
BOLD REPLY.
James the Second, who so seldom said a good thing, one day said a very
ill-bred one. He declared, in the midst of his courtiers, that “he had
never known a modest man make his way at court.” To this observation
one of the gentlemen present boldly replied, “And, please your majesty,
whose fault is that?” The king was struck, and remained silent.
A GOOD SORT OF MAN.
“Pray,” said a lady to Foote, “what sort of man is Sir John D.?” “Oh!
a very good sort of man.” “But what do you call a good sort of man?”
“Why, madam, one who preserves all the exterior decencies of ignorance.”
TIME AT ROYAL DISCRETION.
The great have always been flattered, but never was adulation carried
farther than on the part of a lady of honour to Queen Anne. The queen
having asked her what the time was, “Whatever time it may please your
majesty,” was the reply.
VALUABLE EVIDENCE.
In a case of assault, where a stone had been thrown by the defendant,
the following evidence was drawn out of a Yorkshireman! “Did you see
the defendant throw the stone?” “I saw a stone, and I’ze pretty sure
the defendant throwed it.” “Was it a large stone?” “I should say it
wur a largeish stone.” “What was its size?” “I should say a sizeable
stone.” “Can’t you answer definitely how big it was?” “I should say
it were a stone of some bigness.” “Can’t you compare it to some other
object?” “Why, if I wur to compare it, so as to give some notion of the
stone, I should say it wur as large as a lump of chalk.”
UNPLEASANT COMPLIMENT.
Mr. Pitt being in company with the late Duchess of Gordon, who spoke
the Scotch dialect in the broadest manner, she told him that some of
her family had gone to France, and was asked by him why she was not of
the party. She said in answer, “That it was very awkward to be in a
country and not know the language.” “Why,” said Mr. Pitt, “your grace
has not found any such inconvenience in England.”
PAINT.
The old Duchess of Bedford, if born, as she herself once declared,
before nerves came in fashion, had not at least been born before it was
fashionable to paint. Her grace was, indeed, notoriously addicted to
rouge, which she used in uncommon quantities. Lord North one day asked
George III. when his majesty had seen the old lady? The king replied,
“He had not seen her face, nor had any other person, he believed, for
more than twenty years.”
CONDESCENSION IN LOVE.
When Dr. Johnson courted Mrs. Porter, he told her he was of mean
extraction; had no money; and had an uncle hanged! The lady by way of
reducing herself to an equality with him, replied that she had no more
money than himself, and that, although she had not a relation hanged,
she had fifty who _deserved hanging_. And thus was accomplished this
singular amour.
VERACITY.
A gentleman in company with Mr. C. Bannister boasted that he had
destroyed five hundred men with his own hands. “Sir,” said Charles, “I
have killed a few in my time also--let me see: five at Madrid, ten at
Lisbon, twenty at Paris, thirty at Vienna, and double the number at
the Hague. At length, coming over from Calais to Dover, I had scarce
disembarked, when a desperate fellow of an Irishman killed me.” “Killed
you!” said Munchausen; “what do you mean by that?” “Sir,” replied the
wit, “I did not dispute your veracity, and why should you question
mine?”
TAKE ADVICE.
A gentleman who used to frequent the Chapter Coffeehouse, being unwell,
thought he might steal an opinion concerning his case; accordingly,
one day he took an opportunity of asking Dr. Buchan, who sat in the
same box with him, what he should take for such a complaint? “I’ll tell
you,” says the doctor--“you should take _advice_.”
PROOF OF A CIVILIZED COUNTRY.
The writer of a modern book of travels, relating the particulars of
his being cast away, thus concludes--“After having walked eleven hours
without tracing the print of a human foot, to my great comfort and
delight I saw a man hanging upon a gibbet; my pleasure at this cheering
prospect was inexpressible, for it convinced me that I was in a
_civilized country_, there being no _such_ thing among savages.”
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LITERAL AND LITERARY.
During the institution of a society in Liverpool for the purpose of
literary improvement, a gentleman of strong body but of slender wit
applied to be admitted a member; “I think,” said he to the president,
“I must certainly be a vast acquisition to a society of this kind, as
I am undoubtedly a _great_ man in the _literal_ sense of the word!”
“True,” replied the other; “but I am afraid you are but a _little_ man
in the _literary_ sense of the word.”
PURE ENGLISH.
The English ambassador demanded of Louis XIV. the liberation of the
Protestants who had been condemned to the galleys on account of their
religion. “What would the King of Great Britain say if I asked him to
liberate the prisoners in Newgate?” “Sire,” replied the ambassador,
“the king, my master, would grant your majesty’s request if you
reclaimed them as your brethren.”
PROOF OF SANITY.
Sir Theodore Mayerne, physician to King James I., and who made an
immense sum by his practice, was once consulted by a friend, who laid
two broad pieces of gold on the table (six and thirties), and Sir
Theodore put them into his pocket. The friend was hurt at his pocketing
such a fee; but Sir Theodore said to him, “I made my will this morning,
and if it should appear that I refused a fee, I might be deemed _non
compos_.”
BUT!
In a case of assault, where an eminent brewer was concerned, the
following ingenious argument was stated in the pleadings to have been
used by that individual: “If there be any charge made against the beer,
_rebutt_ it.” It was this clench in jest, which led to the assault
in earnest; so that neither your _if_ nor your _but_ is a certain
peacemaker.
COMPETITION OF WONDERS.