the course of the conversation the lady grew warm; at last she was so
much nettled by some remark of Mr. Fox’s, that she declared to him she
did not care three skips of a louse for him. Mr. Fox turned aside, and
in a few moments produced the following impromptu:
“Says Montague to me, and in her own house,
I do not care for you three skips of a louse,
I forgive it; for woman, however well bred,
Will still talk of that which _runs most in their head_!”
THE QUACK DOCTOR.
A quack doctor, in one of his bills, said he could bring living
witnesses to prove the efficacy of his nostrum, “which is more,” says
he “than others in my line can do.”
CHARMING CONDESCENSION.
On one occasion when John Kemble played Hamlet in the country, the
gentleman who acted Guildenstern was, or imagined himself to be, a
capital musician. Hamlet asks him, “Will you play upon this pipe?” “My
lord, I cannot.” “I do beseech you?” “Well, if your lordship insists on
it, I shall do as well as I can;” and to the confusion of Hamlet, and
the great amusement of the audience, he played _God save the king_.
MATRIMONY.
Bishop Andrews, the favourite preacher of King James the First, in his
sermon on matrimony, says that ten woman are driven to the altar for
one that is led to it.
THE MISER.
An old miser, who had a footman that had a good appetite, and ate fast,
but was slow when sent on a message, used to wish that his servant
would eat with his feet and walk with his teeth.
A WINDOW IN THE BELLY.
“I wish,” said Rigby to Charles Fox, “that you would stand out of my
light, or that you had a window in that great belly of yours.” “What,”
said Charles, “that you might lay an additional tax upon it, I suppose.”
INGENIOUS REASON.
The Welsh formerly drank their ale, mead, or metheglin out of earthen
vessels, glazed and painted within and without, with dainty devices. A
farmer in the principality, who had a curious quart mug, with an angel
painted at the bottom on the inside, found that a neighbour who very
frequently visited him, and with the customary hospitality, had the
first draught, always gave so hearty a swig as to leave little for the
rest of the party. This our farmer three or four times remonstrated
against as unfair; but was always answered,--“Hur does so love to look
at that pretty angel, that hur always drinks till hur con see its
face.” The farmer, on this, set aside his angel cup, and, at the the
next Shrewsbury fair, bought one with a figure of the devil painted
at bottom. This being produced, foaming with ale, to his guest, he
made but one draught, and handed it to the next man quite empty. Being
asked his reason, as he could not now wish to look at the angel, he
replied,--“No, but hur cannot bear to leave that ugly devil a drop.”
A DIRTY WITNESS.
A German gentleman, in the course of a strict cross-examination on a
trial during the Oxford Circuit, was asked to state the exact age of
the defendant. “Dirty” (thirty), was the reply. “And pray, sir, are you
his senior, and how many years?” “Why, sir, I am _dirty-two_.”
EPIGRAM.
Your comedy I’ve read, my friend,
And like the half you pilfer’d best;
But sure the drama you might mend--
Take courage, man! and _steal the rest_.
RELIEF BY PERSPIRATION.
A candidate at Surgeons’ Hall, after a variety of questions, was thus
interrogated:--“In such a case, sir, how would you act?” “Well, sir,
if that did not operate?” “But if _that_ did not produce the desired
effect of causing perspiration?” “Why, gentlemen,” said the worried
student, “if all these should fail, I would direct the patient to be
brought _here_ for _examination_!”
DUCHESS OF MARLBOROUGH.
The proud Duke of Somerset, a little time before his death, paid a
visit to Sarah, Duchess of Marlborough, who insisted on his drinking
with her a glass of tokay, which had been presented to her husband by
the emperor. He assented, and she addressed him as follows:--“My lord,
I consider your grace drinking a glass of wine with me as a very high
honour, and I will beg leave to propose two healths, the most unpopular
imaginable, and which nobody in the three kingdoms except ourselves
would drink: Here is your health and mine.”
LONG PAUSE.
A great teller of stories was in the midst of one of them, at his
evening club, when notice was brought him that a ship, in which he was
going to the West Indies, was on the point of sailing; he was therefore
obliged to break off abruptly. But on his return from Jamaica some
years afterwards, he repaired to the club, and, taking possession of
his old seat by the fireside, he resumed his tale: “Gentlemen, as I was
saying”--
GENERAL WOLFE.
General Wolfe, happening to overhear a young officer talk of him
in a very familiar manner, as, “Wolfe and I drank a bottle of wine
together,” and so on, appeared, and said, “I think you might say
General Wolfe.” “No,” replied the subaltern, with a happy presence of
mind, “did you ever hear of General Achilles, or General Julius Cæsar.”
AMENDMENT AMENDED.
A member of parliament making a motion to bring in a bill for repairing
a very bad road in a particular county, another member stood up and
said, “It would be more economical to pass an act for making it
navigable.”
MUTATIS MUTANDIS.
Whitfield once preached at a chapel in New England, where a collection
was to be made after the sermon. A British seaman, who had strolled
into the meeting, observed some persons take plates, and place
themselves at the door; upon which, he laid hold of one, and taking
his station, received a considerable sum from the congregation as they
departed, which he very deliberately put into the pocket of his tarry
trousers. This being told to Whitfield, he applied to the sailor for
the money, saying it was collected for charitable uses, and must be
given to him. “Avast there,” said Jack, “it was given to me, and I
shall keep it.” “You will be d--d,” said the parson, “if you don’t
return it.” “I’ll be d--d if I do,” replied Jack, and sheered off with
his prize.
REAL DANGER.
A physician being sent for by a maker of universal specifics, grand
salutariums, &c., expressed his surprise at being called in on an
occasion apparently trifling. “Not so trifling neither,” replied the
quack; “for, to tell you the truth, I have, by a mistake, taken some of
my own pills.”
PROMISING CANDIDATE.
Some years ago a candidate for a Welsh burgh told his constituents,
that if they would elect him he should take care they should have
any kind of weather they liked best. This was a tempting offer, and
they could not resist choosing a man, who, to use their own language,
“was more of a Cot Almighty than Sir Watkin himself.” Soon after the
election, one of his constituents waited upon him, and requested some
rain. “Well, my good friend, and what do you want with rain? won’t it
spoil your hay?” “Why, it will be very serviceable to the wheat, and as
to my hay, I have just got it in.” “But has your neighbour got his in?
I should suppose rain would do him some mischief.” “Why, ay,” replied
the votary, “rain would do him harm indeed.” “Ay, now you see how it
is, my dear friend! I have promised to get you any kind of weather you
like; but if I give you rain, I must disoblige him: so your best way
will be, I think, to meet together all of you, and agree on the weather
that will be best for you all,--and you may depend upon having it.”
PROFESSIONAL BLINDNESS.
Sir Joshua Reynolds studied originally under Hudson, an English
portrait painter, who bestowed very liberally on his customers fair
tie wigs, blue velvet coats, and white satin waistcoats. He afterwards
went to Italy, where he studied three years. On his return, he hired a
large house in Newport Street, and the first specimen he gave of his
abilities was a boy’s head in a turban, richly painted in the style of
Rembrandt, which so attracted Hudson’s attention, that he called every
day to see it in its progress, and perceiving, at last, no trace of his
own manner left, he exclaimed, “Really, Reynolds, you don’t paint so
well as when you left England.”
COUNSELLOR DUNNING.
Counsellor Dunning was cross-examining an old woman, who was an
evidence in a case of assault, respecting the identity of the
defendant. “Was he a tall man?” says he. “Not very tall; much about the
size of your honour.” “Was he well-looked?” “Not very; much like your
honour.” “Did he squint?” “A little; but not so much as your honour.”
GEORGE I.
King George I. was remarkably fond of seeing the play of Henry VIII.,
which had something in it that peculiarly hit the taste of that
monarch. One night being very attentive to that part of the play where
the King commands Wolsely to write circular letters of indemnity into
every part of the country, where the payment of certain taxes had been
disputed, and remarking the manner in which the minister artfully
communicated these commands to his secretary Cromwell, whispering
thus:--
“Let there be letters writ to every shire
Of the king’s grace and pardon: the grieved Commons
Hardly conceive of me. Let it be noised,
That through our intercession this revokement
And pardon comes--”
The king could not help smiling at the craft of the minister, in
filching from his master the merit of the good action, though he
himself had been the author of the evil complained of; and, turning to
the Prince of Wales (afterwards George II.), he said, “You see, George,
a minister will be a minister in every age and in every reign.”
RICHARD CROMWELL.
When, in 1650, Richard Cromwell succeeded his father Oliver in the
protectorship, he received addresses from all parties in the kingdom,
filled with the most extravagant professions of standing by him with
their lives and fortunes, at the very moment that they were plotting
his destruction. Richard was not quite so blind to all this as the
world imagined; for after seven months’ mock government, as he was
giving orders for the removal of his own furniture from Whitehall,
he observed with what little ceremony they treated an old trunk, and
begged of them to move it more carefully, “Because,” added he, “it
contains the lives and fortunes of all the good people of England.”
DR. SOUTH.
Dr. South begins a sermon on this text, “The wages of sin is death,” as
follows:--“Poor wages indeed, that a man can’t live by.”
SEVERE RETORT.
Soon after Lord Sidney’s elevation to the peerage, he happened to
observe in company, that authors were often very ridiculous in the
titles they gave. “That,” said a gentleman present, “is an error from
which even kings appear not to be exempt.”
A LONG-EARED ANIMAL _versus_ A SHORT.
A cockney having had his horse cropt, was asked the reason; he
answered, “Why, my friend, this here horse had a knack at being
frightened, and on the least occasion would prick up his ears, and
look for all the world as if he had seen the devil; and therefore, to
prevent the like in future, I cropt him.”
ECCENTRIC RECOMMENDATION.
Swift once gave a gentleman of very good character and fortune a letter
of recommendation to Pope, couched in the following terms:--“Dear Pope,
Though the little fellow that brings this be a justice of peace and
a member of our Irish House of Commons, yet he may not be altogether
unworthy of your acquaintance.”
HOLIDAY.
A gentleman seeing the town-crier of Bristol one market-day standing
unemployed, asked him the reason. “O,” replied he, “I can’t _cry_
to-day, my wife is dead.”
ECONOMY.
An economical peeress spoke to her butler to be saving of an excellent
run of small-beer, and asked him how it might be best preserved. “The
best method I know,” replied the butler, “is to place a barrel of good
ale by it.”
THE BLOOD OF CROMWELL.
A grand-daughter of Oliver Cromwell, who was remarkable for her
vivacity and humour, being in company at Tunbridge Wells, a gentleman,
who had taken great offence at some sarcastic remarks she had made,
rudely said, to insult her, “I think, madam, you would hardly give
yourself so many airs, had you recollected that your grandfather was
hanged.” To which she instantly replied, “Yes, sir; but please to
recollect, he was not hanged till after he was dead.”
CHARLES II. AND ROCHESTER.
King Charles II. being at bowls, and having laid a bowl very near the
jack, cried out, “My soul to a horse hair, nobody beats that.” “Lay
odds,” says Rochester, “and I’ll take you.”
DUNNING EXTRAORDINARY.
A tradesman pressing a gentleman very much for payment of his bill,
the latter said, “You need not be in so great a hurry, I am not going
to run away.” “I do not imagine you are, sir,” returned the tradesman,
“but I am.”
JAMES II. AND WALLER.
King James II. having a wish to converse with Waller, the poet, sent
for him one afternoon, and took him into his closet, where was a very
fine picture of the Princess of Orange. The King asked him his opinion
of the picture, on which Waller said, he thought it extremely like the
greatest woman that ever lived in the world. “Whom do you call so?”
said the king. “Queen Elizabeth,” replied the other. “I wonder, Mr.
Waller,” said the king, “that you should think so; for she owed all her
greatness to her council, and that indeed, it must be admitted, was a
wise one.” “And pray, sir,” said Waller, “did your majesty ever know a
fool choose a wise council?”
DR. JOHNSON.
When Dr. Johnson visited the University of St. Andrews, he took
occasion to inquire of one of the professors into the state of their
funds, and being told that they were not so affluent as many of their
neighbours, “No matter,” said the doctor drily; “persevere in the plan
you have formed, and you will get rich _by degrees_.”
MARCH OF POLITENESS.
Complaisance is no longer confined to the polite circles. A captain
of a vessel was lately called out of a coffeehouse at Wapping by a
waterman, with the following address: “An’t please your honour, the
tide is waiting for you.”
HACKNEY COACHMAN.
A hackney coachman, after putting up his horses in the evening,
took out the money he had received during the day, in order to make
a division between his master and himself. “There,” says he, “is
one shilling for master, and one for me;” and so on alternately
till an odd shilling remained. Here he hesitated between conscience
and self-interest, when the master, who happened to be a concealed
spectator, said, “I think, Thomas, you may allow me the odd shilling,
as I keep the horses.”
NO REASON TO REMOVE.
A gentleman dined one day with a dull preacher. Dinner was scarcely
over before the gentleman fell asleep, but was awakened by the divine,
and invited to go and hear him preach. “I beseech you, sir,” said he,
“to excuse me; I can sleep very well where I am.”
EXCLUSIVE PLUMBER.
Holroyd, king’s plumber, stood in the pit of the theatre at the time
that Hatfield fired at King George III., and it was reported that by
his lifting up the assassin’s arm at the moment he was firing, the
pistol was raised so that the ball went higher than the box his majesty
was seated in. Some one observed that “This was a very loyal thing in
the plumber.” “Why, yes,” replied a gentlemen present, “it looks like
it; but the motive might possibly be selfish; it perhaps arose from
Holroyd not choosing that anyone should serve the king with _lead_
except himself.”
CHARLES II.
As James II. when Duke of York, returned one morning from hunting, he
found his brother Charles in Hyde Park without any attendants, at what
was considered a perilous time. The duke expressed his surprise at
his majesty’s venturing alone in so public a place at so dangerous a
period. “James,” replied the monarch, “take care of yourself, and I am
safe. No man in England will kill _me_ to make _you_ king.”
REFORMATION.
A gentleman remarking that this age was infinitely more dissipated
and licentious than that which preceded it, an old officer took upon
himself the task of defending it. “Sir,” says he, “I grant that we get
drunk as completely as our fathers; but this I will say, that I have
not seen a wig burnt these forty years.”
INVISIBLE AND INCOMPREHENSIBLE.
A preacher, whose sermons were beyond human understanding, was wont on
Saturday to keep unseen by any one, in order to compose his sublime
discourses for next day; on which a wit observed, that the doctor was
invisible on Saturday in order that he might be incomprehensible on
Sunday.
ERSKINE AND JEKYLL.
Mr. Erskine one morning complained to Mr. Jekyll of a pain in his
bowels. “I could recommend one remedy,” said the latter; “but I am
afraid you will not find it easy to get at it.” “What is it?” eagerly
rejoined Mr. Erskine. “Get made Attorney-General, and then you will
have no bowels at all.”
GOOD REASON.
A certain secretary of state, being asked by an intimate friend, why he
did not promote merit, aptly replied, “Because merit did not promote
me.”
FOOTE.
Foote, having been invited to dine with the Duke of Leinster, at
Dublin, gave the following account of his entertainment:--“As to
the splendour, so far as it went, I admit it, there was a very fine
sideboard of plate; and if a man could have swallowed a silversmith’s
shop, there was enough to satisfy him; but as to all the rest, his
mutton was white, his veal was red, the fish was kept too long, the
venison not kept long enough: to sum up all, every thing was cold,
except his ice; every thing sour, except his vinegar.”
PATIENCE.
A quaker, driving in a single-horse chaise up a green lane that leads
from Newington Green to Hornsey, happened to meet with a young blood,
who was also in a single-horse chaise. There was not room enough for
them to pass each other, unless one of them would back his carriage,
which they both refused. “I’ll not make way for you,” says the blood;
“damn my eyes if I will.” “I think I am older than thou art,” said the
quaker, “and therefore have a right to expect thee to make way for me.”
“I won’t, dam’me,” resumed the first. He then pulled out a newspaper,
and began to read, as he sat still in his chaise. The quaker, observing
him, pulled a pipe and some tobacco from his pocket, and, with a
convenience which he carried about with him, lighted his pipe, and sat
and puffed away very comfortably. “Friend,” said he, “when thou hast
read that paper, I should be glad if thou wouldst lend it me.”
JOHNSON AND BOSWELL.
Dr. Johnson and Boswell, being at Bristol, were by no means pleased
with their inn. “Let us now see,” said Boswell, “how we should
describe it.” Johnson was ready with his raillery. “Describe it,
sir! why, it was so bad--so very bad, that Boswell wished to be in
Scotland.”
SIR CHARLES WAGER.
Sir Charles Wager had a sovereign contempt for physicians; though a
surgeon, he believed, in some cases might be of service. It happened
that the worthy knight was seized with a fever while he was out upon
a cruise, and the surgeon, without much difficulty, prevailed upon
him to loose a little blood and suffer a blister to be laid on his
back; by and by it was thought necessary to lay on another blister and
repeat the bleeding, to which Sir Charles also consented. The symptoms
having abated, the surgeon then told him that he must now swallow a few
boluses and take a draught. “No, doctor,” said Sir Charles, “you may
batter my hulk as long as you will, but damn you, you shan’t board me!”
EPITAPH ON PROFESSOR BARNES, A MAN OF WEAK JUDGMENT, BUT HAPPY MEMORY.
Hic jacet Joshua Barnes,
Beatæ memoriæ, judicium expectans.
INSURANCE.
In a storm at sea when the sailors were all at prayers expecting every
moment to go to the bottom, a passenger appeared quite unconcerned. The
captain asked him how he could be so much at his ease in this awful
situation. “Sir,” says the passenger, “my life’s insured.”
COLONEL THORNTON.
When Colonel Thornton once asked his coachman if he had any objection
to go abroad with him? “To any place that ever was created,” said the
fellow very eagerly. “Would you drive me to hell?” said the colonel.
“That I would!” answered the fellow, “that I would!” “Why, you would
find it a hot birth and you must go in first yourself, Tom, as the box
is before the body of the coach.” “No, no; I would back your honour in.”
BOSWELL AND JOHNSON.
Boswell observing to Johnson that there was no instance of a beggar
dying for want in the streets of Scotland, “I believe, sir, you are
very right,” says Johnson; “but this does not arise from the want of
beggars, but the impossibility of starving a Scotsman.”
CONJUROR AND NO CONJUROR.
A fellow, who went about the country playing slight of hand tricks,
was apprehended and carried before the sapient mayor of a town, who
immediately ordered him to be committed to prison. “For what?” said the
fellow. “Why, sirrah, the people say you are a conjuror!” “Will your
worship give me leave to tell you what the people say of you?” “Of me?
what dare they say of me, fellow?” “They say you are no conjuror.”
BENEVOLENCE OF GEORGE III.
When Lord North introduced Dr. Robertson to the king, his majesty made
many inquiries concerning the medical professors of Edinburgh, and
the state of the college, of which the doctor was principal. Being
thus taken upon his own ground, the historian expatiated at large with
gravity and decorum on the merits of the Edinburgh College; mentioned
the various branches of learning which were taught in it, the number
of students that flocked to it from all quarters of the world; and in
reply to his majesty’s particular inquiries concerning it as a School
of Physic, he observed that no college could boast of conferring the
degree of physic on so many gentlemen as that of Edinburgh; for it
annually sent out more than forty physicians, besides vast quantities
of those who exercised the lower functions of the faculty, as surgeons,
apothecaries, &c. “Heaven,” exclaimed the king, interrupting the
doctor, “Heaven have mercy on my poor subjects?”
SIR JOHN MILLICENT.
One asked Sir John Millicent, a man of wit, how he did to conform to
the grave justices his brethren, when they met. “Indeed,” answered he,
“I have no other way to do than to drink myself down to the capacity of
the bench.”
THE FISHMONGER.
A gentleman cheapening fish at a stall, and being asked what he thought
an unconscionable price, exclaimed--“Do you suppose I pick up my money
in the street!” “No, sir,” replied the vender, “_but I do_.”
THE BLESSINGS OF TRIAL BY JURY.
A juryman, not so pliant as many, was repeatedly singular in his
opinion, but so determined as always to bring over the other eleven.
The judge asked him once how he came to be so fastidious? “My lord,”
said he, “no man is more open to conviction than I am; but I have not
met the same pliancy in others; for it has generally been my lot to be
on a jury with _eleven obstinate men_.”
LORD SHAFTESBURY.
The history of this nobleman, in the _Biographia Britannica_, is a mere
panegyric on him. A bon mot of himself conveys the truest idea of his
character. Charles the Second said to him one day, “Shaftesbury, I
believe thou art the wickedest fellow in my dominions.” He bowed, and
replied, “Of a _subject_, sir, I believe I am.”
THE BREWER.
A brewer was drowned in his own vat. Mr. Jekyll, being informed of
the circumstance, said that the verdict of the jury should be--“Found
floating on his _watery bier_!”
JACK TAR AND THE PARSON.
An honest tar, just returned from sea, met his old messmate, Bet
Blowsy: he was so overjoyed that he determined to commit matrimony;
but, at the altar, the parson demurred, as there was not cash enough
between them to pay the fees; on which Jack, thrusting a few shillings
into the sleeve of his cassock, exclaimed--“D--n it, brother, never
mind! marry us as far as it will go!”
SHERIDAN.
Being asked whether he thought Mr. O’Brien was right in his assertion,
that many thousands of the electors of Westminster would vote for
the Duke of Northumberland’s porter were he put up, Sheridan coolly
replied--“No; my friend O’Brien is wrong; but they might for _Mr.
Whitbread’s porter_!”
SLAVE TRADE.
Sir John Doyle being told in the House of Commons by those interested
in keeping up the slave trade, that the slaves were happy, he said that
it reminded him of a man whom he had once seen in a warren, sewing up
the mouth of a ferret: he remonstrated with the man upon the cruelty
of the act, but he answered--“Lord, sir, the ferret _likes it_ above
all things.”
NEW WAY TO PAY OLD DEBTS.