put in dock; but immediately after, the Admiral received an order to
refit for sea. Walking one day in the neighbourhood of Plymouth, he
encountered a sailor with a lass under his arm, and a dog running
before him, with a watch round his neck. Jack saluted his commander,
and made Poll and the dog do the same. Sir John then asked him if he
would go to sea with him again, stating the orders he had received.
Jack inquired the period Sir John was given to refit. “Only a
fortnight,” was the answer. “That’s unfortunate,” said Jack, “for I’ve
been kalkylating, your honour, that, with Poll, and the dog, and the
watch, my money will jist last me a month; howsomever, I can do this
’ere, your honour--(_aside_)--I can keep two marms, two dogs, and two
watches; and then I shall have unloaded the shiners in a fortnight,
sure enough!”
NO DEEP PLAY.
Lord O----, saying that he made a point of never playing beyond the
line of his own understanding “Now, my lord,” said the Countess of
Buckinghamshire, “I see the reason you never play deep.”
PHILOLOGY.
A gentleman passing the shop of Mr. Haswell, tea-dealer, observed his
name would be _as well_ without an _H_.
JOHNSON AND ROUSSEAU.
When Dr. Johnson was told that Rousseau’s Confessions would contain
every motive that had induced him to act in every situation; “Then,”
replied he, “if he was an _honest man_, his book will not be worth a
farthing.”
GOOD ADVERTISEMENT.
Stephen Kemble happening to pass through Newport Market, the butchers
set up their usual cry of “What d’ye buy? What d’ye buy?” Stephen
parried this for some time, by saying, he did not want any thing. At
last, a butcher started from his stall and eyeing Stephen’s figure from
top to bottom, which certainly did not indicate that he fed on air,
exclaimed, “Well, sir, though you do not now want any thing, only _say_
you buy your meat of me, and you will make my fortune.”
ANECDOTE OF GEORGE III.
An Irish conjuror and ventriloquist, of the name of Ray, but who
called himself “Le Sieur Ray,” to blarney his countrymen (though
he spoke a brogue thick enough to have cut with a knife, as Bowles
used to say), exhibiting before their majesties, refused to perform
his grand deception till the queen said _cockalorum_, in which he
pretended the charm consisted. Her majesty thought the word either
difficult or indelicate, and declined; but the king was so bent upon
the great astonishment, that he turned round to her good-naturedly and
said,--“Say cockalorum, Charlotte--say cockalorum.”
FELLOW FEELING.
Dr. A----, physician at Newcastle, being summoned to a vestry, in
order to reprimand the sexton for drunkenness, he dwelt so long on the
fellow’s misconduct, as to raise his choler, and draw from him this
expression:--“Sir, I was in hopes you would have treated my failings
with more gentleness, or that you would have been the last man alive to
appear against me, as _I have covered so many blunders of yours_.”
STRIKING ANALOGY.
Bate Dudley had been telling a story to the Anacreontic Club, which
he purported to be entirely new, and which caused a great deal of
laughter. Hewardine then observed, that the anecdote related by Mr.
Dudley put him in mind of another nearly as facetious. He then repeated
some venerable affair, which, whatever was its point, bore no more
resemblance to Dudley’s, than a white egg to a black hen. When it was
concluded, Dudley turned to Hewardine with a stare of surprise, and
observed, “That was a very humorous circumstance; but I can’t see how
my anecdote could remind you of it!” “No!” said Tom. “Why, I’ll tell
you,--your story is at the top of the leaf, page 17, Miller’s old
edition, and mine follows at the bottom!”
EVERY THING SHOULD STAND ON ITS OWN BOTTOM.
A sailor passing by a cooper’s shop, and seeing a number of tubs piled
above each other at the door, began to kick and tumble them about the
street. The master coming out, and desiring to know the reason of this
strange proceeding, “D--n it,” replied Jack, “why should not every tub
stand upon its own bottom?”
A FAMILY PIECE.
Mr. Fox having applied to a shopkeeper in Westminster for his vote and
interest, the man produced a halter, with which he said he was ready to
oblige him. The orator immediately replied, “I return you thanks, my
friend, for your very polite offer; but I should be sorry to deprive
you of so valuable a family piece.”
RETRACTATION.
Two gentlemen standing together, as a young lady passed them, one of
them said, “There goes the handsomest woman I ever saw.” She hearing,
turned round, and observing him to be very ugly, answered, “I wish,
sir, I could, in return, say as much of you.” “So you may, madam,” said
he, “and lie as I did.”
THE GOOD OLD “LAPSUS LINGUÆ.”
A gentleman’s servant bringing into the dining-room, where the company
were all assembled, a nice roasted tongue, tripped as he entered the
door, and spread the tongue and sauce on the carpet. The landlord, with
much presence of mind, soon relieved the embarrassment of his guests as
well as of the servant by saying, with great good humour, “There’s no
harm done, gentlemen, ’tis merely a _lapsus linguæ_.” This fortunate
play of words excited much merriment. A very sagacious gentleman,
struck with the happy effect of the above accident, was determined to
make a similar exhibition. He invited a large party, and when they were
all assembled, he had directed his servant to let fall a piece of
roast beef on the floor: the servant obeyed his injunctions; but the
company felt hurt at the accident. “Be not uneasy, my friends,” cried
the would-be witty landlord, “’tis only a _lapsus linguæ_.”
WIT IN TECHNICALS.
A clergyman preaching in the neighbourhood of Wapping, and observing
that most of his audience were in the sea-faring way, very properly
embellished his discourse with several nautical tropes and figures.
Amongst other things, he advised them to be ever “on the watch, so that
on whatever tack the devil should bear down upon them, he might be
crippled in the action.” “Ay, master,” cried a jolly son of Neptune,
“but let me tell you, that will depend on your having the weather-gauge
of him.”
THE FAST-DAY.
A gentleman who employs a great number of hands in a manufactory in
the West of England, in order to encourage his work people in a due
attendance at church on a Fast-day, told them, that if they went to
church they would receive their wages for that day, in the same manner
as if they had been at work. Upon which a deputation was appointed to
acquaint their employer, that “if he would pay them for _over hours_,
they would attend likewise at the Methodist chapel in the evening!”
A FRIEND IN NEED.
A scholar declaiming in the college-hall, and having a bad memory, was
at a stand, when, in a low voice, he desired one who stood close by him
to help him out. “No,” says the other, “methinks you are out enough
already.”
TILLOTSON.
It was well answered by Archbishop Tillotson, when King William III.
complained of the shortness of his sermon, “Sire,” said the archbishop,
“could I have bestowed more time upon it, it would not have been so
long.”
NATIONALITY.
Frederick of Prussia, at a review of his tall grenadiers, asked Sir
Robert Sutton, the British ambassador, if he could say an equal number
of Englishmen could beat them. “No, sir,” answered Sir Robert, “I won’t
pretend to say that; but I believe half the number would try!”
SOOT AND RELIGION.
A dignified clergyman, going to his living to spend the summer, met
near his house a comical old chimney-sweeper, with whom he used to
chat. “So, John,” said the doctor, “whence come you?” “From your house,
sir, where this morning I swept all your chimneys.” “How many were
there?” said the doctor. “No less than twenty,” quoth John. “Well,
and how much a-chimney have you!” “Only a shilling a-piece, sir.”
“Why then,” quoth the doctor, “you have earned a great deal of money
in a little time.” “Yes, yes,” says John, throwing his bag over his
shoulder, “we _black coats_ get our money easy enough.”
ANECDOTE OF GEORGE II.
When Lord Chesterfield was in administration, he proposed a person to
George II. as proper to fill a place of great trust, but which the
king himself was determined should be filled by another. The council,
however, resolved not to indulge the king, for fear of a dangerous
precedent. It was Lord Chesterfield’s business to present the grant
of the office for the king’s signature. Not to incense his majesty,
by asking him abruptly, he, with accents of great humility, begged to
know with whose name his majesty would be pleased to have the blanks
filled up? “With the devil’s!” replied the king, in a paroxysm of rage.
“And shall the instrument,” said the earl, coolly, “run as usual, ‘our
trusty well-beloved cousin and counsellor?’”--a repartee at which the
king laughed heartily, and with great good humour signed the grant.
LATIN FOR COLD.
A schoolmaster asked one of his boys, in a cold winter morning, what
was Latin for _cold_. The boy hesitating a little, the master said,
“What, sirrah, can’t you tell?” “Yes, sir,” said the boy, “I have it at
my _finger ends_.”
WIT IN A HOBNAIL.
A proud parson and his man, riding over a common, saw a shepherd
tending his flock in a new coat. The parson asked in a haughty
tone, who gave him that coat? “The same people,” said the shepherd,
“that clothe you--the parish.” The parson, nettled a little, rode
on murmuring a considerable way, and sent his man back to ask the
shepherd, if he would come and live with him? for he wanted a fool.
The man went to the shepherd accordingly, and delivered his master’s
message, concluding, that his master really wanted a fool. “Are you
going away, then?” said the shepherd. “No,” answered the other. “Then
you may tell your master,” replied the shepherd, “his living won’t
maintain _three_ of us.”
YORKSHIRE.
Two Oxford scholars, meeting on the road with a Yorkshire hostler,
fell to bantering him, and told the fellow they would prove him to be
a horse or an ass. “Well,” said the hostler, “and I can prove your
saddle to be a mule.” “A mule!” cried one of them, “how can that be?”
“Because,” said the hostler, “it is something between a horse and an
ass.”
WIT IN AN EXECUTIONER.
A felon, who was just on the point of being turned off, asked the
hangman if he had any message to send to the place where he was going,
“I will trouble you with _a line_,” replied the finisher of the law,
placing the cord under his left ear.
EARLY RISING.
A father chiding his son for not leaving his bed at an earlier hour,
told him, as an inducement, that a certain man being up betimes found a
purse of gold. “It might be so,” replied the son, “but he that _lost it
was up before him_.”
THE BENEVOLENT WIDOW.
There was a very benevolent widow living in Plymouth, in respectable
circumstances, who frequently came to the theatre, and was kind enough
to inquire into the private situations of various members of the
company. Among others, she asked about Prigmore, and was told that
he had but a small salary, and made a very poor appearance. Hearing
this, she remembered that she had a pair of her late husband’s
indispensables in the house, which she resolved to offer him. A
servant was, accordingly, despatched to the object of her charity,
who, meeting one of the actors, and partly disclosing her business,
he went in search of Prigmore, and finding him, exclaimed, “Prigmore,
my boy, here’s your fortune made at last; here’s a rich widow in the
town has fallen in love with you, and wants to see you.” Prigmore,
not suspecting his roguery, was led to the servant, in a state of
bewildered rapture, and by the latter was informed that the widow would
be glad to see him any morning it was convenient. He appointed the
following, and went home to his lodgings to indulge in a day-dream of
golden independence. His friend, in the meantime, whispered the truth
through the green-room, where there were two or three others wicked
enough to join in the conspiracy, by walking to Prigmore’s house to
tender their congratulations. Prigmore, as will be supposed, passed
a sleepless night, and spent an extra hour at his toilet the next
morning, in adorning himself with a clean chin and neckcloth. He then
sallied forth, and, on reaching the widow’s was shown into her parlour,
where, casting his eyes around on the substantial sufficiency of its
furniture, he began to felicitate himself on the aspect of his future
home. The lady at length appeared: she was upon the verge of forty--a
very fashionable age at that time, which resting upon the shoulders
of a very comely-looking woman, seemed to be in character with her
very comfortable dwelling. Prigmore’s satisfaction and her benevolence
operated equally in producing some confusion: at length a conversation
commenced. She acquainted him that she had heard his situation was not
so agreeable as he could wish--that his income was a confined one;
she was, therefore, desirous to do him all the service that lay in
her power. Prigmore, considering this an express declaration of her
affection, was about to throw himself at her feet, when she suddenly
summoned the servant, and exclaimed, “Rachel, bring the breeches?”
These words astounded him, and he stared in her face like a block of
marble; the widow, as suspicionless as himself of the hoax, could not
interpret his wonder; but, on receiving the habiliments, folded them
carefully up, and remarking that they were as good as new (her husband
having caught his fatal cold in them the first time he put them on),
begged Prigmore’s acceptance of the same. “And was it for this you
wanted me, madam?” exclaimed Prigmore, rising from his chair; his tone
and countenance bespeaking a mixture of surprise and disappointment.
“Yes, sir.” He put on his hat, and walked to the door in silent
indignation. The good woman, as much astonished as himself, followed
him and said, “Won’t you take the breeches, sir?” “No, madam,” he
replied, pausing at the door to make some bitter remark; “Wear them
yourself!” For the remainder of the season, his life was far from being
enviable.[G]
CANDOUR.
Lord Lyttelton asked of a clergyman in the country the use of his
pulpit for a young man he had brought down with him. “I really know
not,” said the parson, “how to refuse your lordship; yet, if the young
gentleman preach better than me, my congregation will be dissatisfied
with me afterwards; and if he preach worse, I don’t think he is fit to
preach at all.”
REWARD OF POLYGAMY.
A man having been accused of marrying five wives, was committed to
prison; and being asked by the judge on his trial, how he came to take
so many wives, he replied, “In order, if possible, to find one good
one, and then stick to her.” “Oh! oh!” said the judge, “as you cannot
find a good wife in this world, you may probably succeed better in the
next; so get you gone thither;” and immediately signed the warrant for
his execution.
COATS AND ARMS.
A gentleman having called a ticket porter to carry a message, asked his
name; he said it was Russel. “And pray,” said the gentleman, jocularly,
“is your coat of arms the same as the Duke of Bedford’s?” “As to our
_arms_, your honour,” says the porter, “I believe they are much alike;
but there is a great difference between our _coats_.”
LORD HOWE.
When Lord Howe was captain of the _Magnanime_, a negro sailor on board
was ordered to be flogged. Every thing being prepared, and the ship’s
company assembled to see the punishment inflicted, Captain Howe made
a long address to the culprit on the enormity of his offence. Poor
Mungo, tired of the harangue and of having his back exposed to the
cold, exclaimed, “Massa, if you floggee, floggee; or, if you preachee,
preachee; but no preachee and floggee too.”
DR. EGERTON.
Dr. Egerton, bishop of Durham, on coming to that see, employed a person
of the name of Due as his agent to find out the true value of the
estates held by lease under him, and, in consequence of Due’s report,
greatly raised both the fines and rents of the tenants; on which the
following toast was frequently drunk in the bishopric:--“May the _Lord_
take the _Bishop_, and the _Devil_ have his _Due_!”
RIGHT CONJECTURE.
A buck parson going to read prayers at a village in the west of
England, found some difficulty in putting on the surplice. “D--n this
surplice!” said he to the clerk, “I think the devil is in it.” Amen,
astonished, waited till the parson had got it on, and then answered, “I
thinks as how he is, zur.”
WALKING BY FAITH.
A person saying that he would not believe there was any devil, because
he had never _seen_ him, was answered by another, “By the same rule, I
should believe you to have neither _wit_ nor _sense_.”
ELWES THE MISER.
The eldest son of Elwes, the celebrated miser, having fallen down with
a ladder, when pulling some grapes, had the precaution to go into the
village to the barber and get blooded. On his return he was asked where
he had been, and what was the matter with his arm? He told his father
what had happened, and that he had got bled. “Bled!” said the old
gentleman; “but what did you give?” “A shilling,” answered the boy.
“Psha!” returned the father, “you are a blockhead; never part with your
_blood_.”
Elwes had two country seats, the one in Suffolk, and the other in
Berkshire; of these he gave the preference to the former, because
his journey from town thither cost him only twopence-halfpenny; that
into Berkshire amounted to fourpence. At this time he was worth eight
hundred thousand pounds.
CAUSE AND EFFECT.
Two gentleman happening to meet, the one observed, “So our friend ----,
the attorney, is dead.” “Yes, and I hear he left very few _effects_.”
“It could not be otherwise: he had very few _causes_.”
NOT A BAD HIT.
A gentleman expatiated on the justice and propriety of an _hereditary_
nobility. “Is it not right,” said he, “in order to hand down to
posterity the virtues of those men who have been eminent for their
services to the country, that their posterity should enjoy the honours
conferred on them as a reward for such services?” “By the same rule,”
said a lady, “if a man is _hanged_ for his misdeeds, _all his posterity
should be hanged too_.”
CUTTING BOTH WAYS.
Sarah, Duchess of Marlborough, once pressing the duke to take a
medicine, with her usual warmth said, “I’ll be _hanged_ if it do not
prove serviceable.” Dr. Garth, who was present, exclaimed, “Do take it,
then, my lord duke, for it must be of service the one way or the other.”
DUKE OF NEWCASTLE.
A poor fellow having with difficulty procured an audience of the
premier Duke of Newcastle, told his grace he came only to solicit him
for somewhat towards a support, and as they were of the same family,
_being both descended from Adam_, hoped he should not be refused.
“Surely not,” said the duke; “surely not; there’s a penny for you; and
if all the rest of your relations will give you as much, you’ll be a
richer man than I am.”
A DISCONSOLATE HOUSE.
A man being asked by his neighbour, how his wife did? made this answer:
“Indeed, neighbour, the case is pitiful; my wife fears she _shall die_,
and I fear she _will not die_, which makes a most _disconsolate house_.”
EXPOSITION OF SCRIPTURE.
A person asked the minister of his parish what was meant by “He was
_clothed_ with _curses_ as with a _garment_.” “My good friend,” said
the minister, “it means that he had got a _habit of swearing_.”
NEW OPPOSITIONIST.
A dog having one day got into the House of Commons, by his barking
interrupted Lord North, who happened to be opening one of his budgets.
His lordship pleasantly inquired by what new oppositionist he was
attacked? A wag replied, “It was a member for _Bark_-shire.”
FOX AND SHERIDAN.
Sheridan was down at Brighton one summer, when Fox, the manager,
desirous of shewing him some civility, took him all over the theatre,
and exhibited its beauties. “There, Mr. Sheridan,” said Fox, who
combined twenty occupations, without being clever in one, “I built and
painted all these boxes, and I painted all these scenes.” “Did you,”
said Sheridan, surveying them rapidly; “well, I should not, I am sure,
have known you were a Fox by your _brush_.”
NERVES.
A dowager Duchess of Bedford, in her eighty-fifth year, was living at
Buxton, at a time when it was the medical farce of the day for the
faculty to resolve every complaint of whim and caprice into “a shock of
the nervous system.” Her grace, after inquiring of many of her friends
in the room, what brought them there? and being generally answered,
“for a nervous complaint,” was asked in her turn, what brought her to
Buxton! “I came only for pleasure,” answered the hale old lady, “for,
thank God, I was born before nerves came into fashion.”
SUBSTANCE AND SHADOW.
A fellow went to the parish priest, and told him, with a long face,
that he had seen a ghost. “When and where?” said the pastor. “Last
night,” replied the man, “I was passing by the church, and up against
the wall of it did I behold the spectre.” “In what shape did it
appear?” replied the priest. “It appeared in the shape of a great ass.”
“Go home, and hold your tongue about it,” rejoined the pastor, “you are
a very timid man, and have been frightened by your _own shadow_.”
PROFESSIONAL ENTHUSIASM.
Brindley, an engineer, carried his attachment to artificial navigations
so far, that when examined before the House of Commons he spoke of
rivers with most sovereign contempt. One of the members asked him for
what purpose he apprehended rivers to have been created? To this,
after a moment’s pause, he replied, “To feed navigable canals.”
SYCOPHANCY CARICATURED.
At a time when Queen Elizabeth was making one of her progresses through
the kingdom, a mayor of Coventry, attended by a large cavalcade, went
out to meet her Majesty and usher her into the city with due formality.
On their return, the weather being very hot, as they passed through a
wide brook, Mr. Mayor’s horse several times attempted to drink, and
each time his worship checked him, which her Majesty observing called
out to him, “Mr. Mayor, Mr. Mayor! let your horse drink, Mr. Mayor;”
but the magistrate, veiling his bonnet, and bowing very low, modestly
answered, “Nay, nay, may it please your Majesty’s horse to drink first!”
A LACONIC LETTER FROM A CLERGYMAN TO HIS CURATE.
“I do not like your terms; my wife is very ill; and please God she but
die, I’ll do the duty myself.”
A NEW TRANSLATION.
A country squire asked his son, who had been at a Latin school, what
was the meaning of the words _nemini secundus_? “Why, father,” said he,
“that is a man who was never second to anyone in a duel.”
A TRAVELLER’S BULL.
A modern traveller, in a late publication, states that the _women_ of
Sunda, near Fez, are the best _horsemen_ in the world.
THE BLIND AND THE BLIND.
A gentleman disputing about religion in Button’s coffee-house, some of
the company said, “You talk of religion, I’ll hold you five guineas you
can’t repeat the Lord’s Prayer; Sir Richard Steel here shall hold the
stakes.” The money being deposited, the gentleman began, “I believe in
God,” and so went through his Creed, “Well!” said the other, “I own I
have lost; but did not think you could have done it.”
SYMPATHY.
The late Duke of Grafton, when hunting, was thrown into a ditch; the
next moment a young curate called out, “Lie still, your grace!” leapt
over him, and pursued his sport. Such an apparent want of feeling,
we might presume, was properly resented--not so. On being assisted
to remount, the duke said “That young man shall have the first good
living that falls to my disposal; had he stopped to have taken care of
me I never would have patronised him.” Being delighted with an ardour
similar to his own, or with a spirit that would not stoop to flatter.
BEN JOHNSON.
Lord Craven, in King James the First’s reign, was very desirous to see
Ben Johnson; which being told to Ben, he went to my Lord’s house; but
being in a very shabby condition, the porter refused him admittance,
with some saucy language, which the other did not fail to return.
My Lord, happening to come out while they were wrangling, asked the
occasion for it. Ben, who stood in need of no one to speak for him,
said, “He understood that his lordship desired to see him.” “You,
friend!” said my lord, “who are you?” “Ben Johnson,” replied the other,
“No, no,” quoth his lordship, “you cannot be Ben Johnson who wrote
the _Silent Woman_; you look as if you could not say Boo to a goose.”
“Boo!” cried Ben. “Very well,” said my lord, who was more pleased at
the joke than offended at the affront; “I am now convinced you are Ben
Johnson.”
MRS. MONTAGUE AND CHARLES FOX.