playhouse in a hackney coach, he ordered the coachman to drive him to
the Sun, then a famous tavern in Clare Market. Just as the coach passed
one of the windows of the tavern, Rich, who perceived it to be open,
dexterously threw himself out of the coach-window into the room. The
coachman, who saw nothing of this transaction, drew up, descended from
his box, opened the coach door, and let down the step; then, taking off
his hat, he waited for some time, expecting his fare to alight; but
at length, looking into the coach, and seeing it empty, he bestowed
a few hearty curses on the rascal who had bilked him, remounted his
box, turned about, and was driving back to the stand; when Rich, who
had watched his opportunity, threw himself into the coach, looked out,
asked the fellow where the devil he was driving, and desired him to
turn again. The coachman, almost petrified with fear, instantly obeyed,
and once more drew up to the door of the tavern. Rich now got out; and,
after reproaching the fellow with stupidity, tendered him his money.
“No, God bless your honour,” said the coachman, “my master has ordered
me to take no money to-night.” “Pshaw!” said Rich, “your master’s a
fool; here’s a shilling for yourself.” “No, no,” said the coachman, who
by that time had remounted his box, “that won’t do; I know you too
well, for all your shoes--and so, Mr. Devil, for once you’re outwitted!”
NEAREST ROAD TO HELL.
The Earl of Rochester once endeavoured to throw off his wit upon a
young academic at Oxford, by thus accosting him:--
“Pray, Mr. Student, can you tell,
Which is the nearest way to Hell?”
The other instantly retorted,--
“Some say Woodstock, I say nay,
For Rochester’s the nearest way.”
FLYING COLOURS.
Two gentlemen were at a coffee-house, when the discourse fell upon
Sir Joshua Reynold’s painting; one of them said, that “his tints were
admirable, but the colours flew.” It happened, unluckily, that Sir
Joshua was in the next stall, and he, taking up his hat, accosted them
thus, with a low bow: “Gentlemen, I return you many thanks for bringing
me off with _flying_ colours.”
YOU RIDE, I SEE.
A gentleman entered a box at the playhouse in his boots and spurs, and
said that he came to town on purpose to see Orpheus; when, unluckily,
his spurs got entangled in a lady’s petticoat, she replied, “and
_Eu-rid-i-ce_.”
PHYSICIAN AND PATIENT.
A gentleman, calling upon a friend who was attended by a physician from
the west end of the town, inquired of the doctor, on one of his visits,
if he did not find it inconvenient to attend his friend from such a
distance? “Not at all, sir,” replied the doctor, “for, having another
patient in the adjoining street, I can kill two birds with one stone.”
“Can you so?” replied the sick man; “then you are two good a shot for
me:” and dismissed him.
EXTEMPORE LINES BY LORD CHESTERFIELD.
Lord Chesterfield, on viewing Lady M----, a reputed Jacobite, adorned
with Orange ribands at the anniversary ball at Dublin, in memory of
King William, thus addressed her, extempore:--
“Thou little Tory, where’s the jest
To wear those ribbons in thy breast;
When that breast, betraying shows
The whiteness of the rebel rose?”
BON MOT OF NELSON.
Lord Nelson was as decided and animated in his intercourse with
his friends as with the enemies of his country. Captain Berry had
served with him in the unfortunate affair of Teneriffe; and, on their
return to England, accompanied him to St James’s. The King, with his
accustomed suavity, lamented the gallant admiral’s wounds. “You have
lost your right arm,” observed his Majesty. “But not my right hand,”
replied the other, “as I have the honour of presenting Captain Berry to
your Majesty.”
ANECDOTE OF QUIN.
Dining one day at a party in Bath, Quin uttered something which
caused a general murmur of delight. A nobleman present, who was not
illustrious for the brilliancy of his ideas, exclaimed, “What a pity
’tis, Quin, my boy, that a clever fellow like you should be a player.”
Quin fixed and flashed his eye upon the person, with this reply, “What
would your lordship have me be?--a Lord!”
I MYSELF AM CARLINI.
An unfortunate man, miserably afflicted with a hypochondriacal
complaint, consulted M. Tronchin, the physician, “You want amusement,
sir,” said Tronchin to him; “go and see Carlini:[F] he will make you
laugh, and will do you more good, than any thing I can prescribe for
you.” “Alas, sir,” said the patient, “_I myself am Carlini_.”
ALL LADIES IN TIME.
In Queen Anne’s reign, the Lord B---- married three wives, who were all
his servants. A beggar woman, meeting him one day in the street, made
him a very low courtesy. “Ah! God Almighty bless you,” said she, “and
send you a long life! if you do but live long enough, we shall all be
ladies in time.”
HONESTY TOO DEAR.
A magistrate remonstrating with a culprit of the poor class, who had
been frequently before him, asked him why he did not contrive to pursue
an honest course? The other, who had got some gin under his girdle,
replied, “Upon my soul, please your worship, I can’t _afford_ to be
honest.”
LOVE OF COUNTRY.
George II., when riding through Brentford in dirty weather, was
accustomed to say, “I do love this place, it is so like Germany.”
GRATITUDE.
A grotesque instance of the sudden power of gratitude is shewn in
a modern Kentish anecdote perfectly well attested. A person of
Whitestable, named Patten, was well known in his own neighbourhood as
a man of great oddity, great humour, and equally great extravagance.
Once standing in need of a new wig, his old one defying all farther
assistance of art, he went over to Canterbury, and applied to a barber,
young in the business, to make him one. The tradesman, who was just
going to dinner, begged the honour of his new customer’s company at his
meal, to which Patten most readily consented. After dinner, a large
bowl of punch was produced, and the happy guest, with equal readiness,
joined in its demolition. When it was out, the barber was proceeding to
business, and began to handle his measure, when Mr. Patten desired him
to desist, saying, he should not make his wig. “Why not!” exclaimed the
honest host; “have I done any thing to offend you, sir?” “Not in the
least,” replied the guest; “I find you are a very honest, good-natured
fellow; so I will take somebody else in. Had you made it, you would
never have been paid for it.”
YORKSHIRE WIT.
A Yorkshire boy went into a public-house, where a gentleman was
eating eggs. The boy looked extremely hard at him for some time, and
then said, “Will you be good enough to give me a little salt, sir?”
“Ay, certainly boy; but why do you want salt?” “Perhaps, sir,” says
he, “you’ll ask me to eat an egg presently, and I should like to be
ready.” “What country are you from, my lad?” “Yorkshire, sir.” “I
thought so--there, take an egg.” “I thank you, sir,” said the boy.
“Well,” added the gentleman, “they are all great horse stealers in your
country, are they not?” “Yes,” rejoins the boy, “my father (though
an honest man) would mind no more stealing of a horse than I would
drinking your glass of ale--Your health, sir,” added he, and drank it
up. “That will do,” says the gentleman; “I see you’re Yorkshire.”
TONSORIAL WIT.
An eccentric barber opened a shop under the walls of the King’s Bench
prison. The windows being broken when he entered it, he mended them
with paper, on which appeared “Shave for a penny,” with the usual
invitation to customers; and over the door was scrawled these lines:
“Here lives Jemmy Wright,
Shaves as well as any man in England--almost--not quite.”
Foote (who loved any thing eccentric) saw these inscriptions, and
hoping to extract some wit from the author, whom he justly concluded
to be an odd character, he pulled off his hat, and thrusting his head
through a paper pane into the shop, called out “Is Jemmy Wright at
home?” The barber immediately forced his own head through another pane
into the street, and replied, “No, sir, he has just popt out.” Foote
laughed heartily, and gave the man a guinea.
FORCE AND PLIABILITY OF CONSCIENCE.
A tailor, who was dangerously ill, had a remarkable dream. He saw,
fluttering in the air, a piece of cloth of prodigious length, composed
of all the cabbage he had made, of a variety of colours. The Angel of
Death held this piece of patchwork in one of his hands, and with the
other gave the tailor several strokes with a piece of iron. The tailor,
awakening in a fright, made a vow, that, if he recovered, he would
cabbage no more. He soon recovered. As he was diffident in himself, he
ordered one of his apprentices to put him in mind of his dream whenever
he cut out a suit of clothes. The tailor was for some time obedient to
the intimations given him by his apprentice; but a nobleman having sent
for him to make a coat out of a very rich stuff, his virtue could not
resist the temptation. His apprentice put him in mind of his dream, but
to no purpose. “I am tired with your talk about the dream,” says the
tailor; “there was nothing like this in the whole piece of patchwork I
saw in my dream.”
DISABILITY FROM STAMMERING.
A soldier, about to be sent on an expedition, said to the officer
directing the drafts, “Sir, I cannot go, because I--I--stutter.”
“Stutter!” says the officer, “you don’t go to talk, but to fight.” “Ay,
but they’ll p-p-put me on g-g-guard, and a man may go ha-ha-half a mile
before I can say, Wh-wh-who goes there?” “Oh, that is no objection,
for there will be another sentry placed along with you, and he can
challenge if you can fire.” “Well, b-b-but I may be taken and run
through the g-g-guts before I can cry Qu-qu-quarter!”
KINDNESS OF A CARPENTER.
A carpenter having neglected to make a gibbet (which was ordered by
the executioner), on the ground that he had not been paid for the last
that he had erected, gave so much offence, that the next time the
judge came to the circuit he was sent for. “Fellow (said the judge,
in a stern tone), how came you to neglect making the gibbet that was
ordered on my account?” “I humbly beg your pardon,” said the carpenter,
“had I known it had been for your lordship, it should have been done
immediately.”
ONE AT A TIME, GENTLEMEN.
One Sunday evening, when the weather was extremely hot, the windows of
a parish church in the diocese of Gloucester were set open to admit
more air, while the congregation was assembled for divine service.
Just as the clergyman was beginning his weekly discourse (who, by the
by, was not much celebrated for his oratorical powers), a jack-ass,
which had been grazing in the church-yard, popped his head in at the
window, and began braying with all his might, as if in opposition to
the reverend preacher. On this a wag present immediately got up from
his seat, and with great gravity of countenance exclaimed,--“One at a
time, gentlemen, if you please!” The whole congregation set up a loud
laugh, when the jack-ass took fright, and gave up the contest, though,
from the clergyman’s chagrin and confusion, he would probably not have
been the worst orator.
WINE SHARPENS THE WIT.
A gentleman went to see his son at Westminster school, under the
great Dr. Busby. When they were in discourse, over a bottle of
wine, the doctor sent for the boy. “Come,” says he, “young man, as
your father is here, take a glass of wine;” and quoted this Latin
sentence,--_Paucum vini acuit ingenium_ (a little wine sharpens the
wit.) The lad replied, “_Sed plus vini, plus ingenii!_” (the more wine,
the more wit!) “Hold, young man,” replied the doctor, “though you argue
on mathematical principles, you shall have but one glass!”
WEST INDIAN AND NEGRO.
A West Indian, who had a remarkably _fiery nose_, having fallen asleep
in his chair, a negro boy, who was in waiting, observed a mosquito
hovering round his face. Quashi eyed the insect very attentively; at
last he saw him alight on his master’s nose, and immediately fly off.
“Ah,” exclaimed the negro, “me d--n glad see you burn your foot!”
AN OUTLINE.
When the Duke de Choiseul, who was a remarkably meagre-looking man,
came to London for the purpose of negotiating a peace, Charles
Townshend, being asked whether the French government had sent the
preliminaries of a treaty, answered, “He did not know, but they had
sent the outline of an ambassador.”
BACON.
A malefactor of the name of Hogg, under sentence of death, petitioned
Lord Chancellor Bacon for a reprieve, claiming a relationship. His
lordship said, he could not possibly be _bacon_ till he had first been
_hung_.
DR. BENTLEY.
When the great Bentley, afterwards so distinguished, was examined for
deacon’s orders, he expected that the bishop would himself examine him;
and his displeasure at what he considered neglect he vented in such
answers as the following:--
_Chaplain._ Quid est fides?
_Bentley._ Quod non vides.
_C._ Quid est spes?
_B._ Quid non habes.
_C._ Quid est charitas?
_B._ Maxima raritas.
This is said to have been enough to satisfy the chaplain, who took the
rhymer to the bishop.
STRIKING LIKENESS.
Some years ago, a then itinerant portrait painter, whose reputation
has since risen much above the point it at that time occupied, being
employed to delineate the features of a musician of some eminence,
who had taken up his temporary quarters at a watering place, the son
of harmony was dissatisfied with the resemblance, and expressed his
disapprobation rather strongly. “Who is that like, my dear?” asked the
mortified artist of a fine little boy, the eldest hope of his employer.
“Papa!” said the child. “So it is, my darling. You see, sir, your son
is a better judge of a likeness than yourself. And where is it like
papa, my dear?” “It’s very like papa _about the fiddle_!” was the
answer. It is unnecessary to add, that no more questions were asked of
the juvenile connoisseur.
ENDS OF JUSTICE.
It is strange to observe how blind the common people are, in general,
to the ends of public justice. They seem to have almost all taken their
notions on this subject from the Judaic law, which awarded life for
life, and one article to be substituted for another; and punishment is
by them rather looked upon as a revenge to gratify the offended person,
or his manes, than as preventative of future crimes. In Scotland, for
instance, if a man is to be hanged for stealing the sheep, or breaking
the shop, of another, the aggrieved individual is sometimes found to
express what he will perhaps consider a graceful regret for the fate of
the culprit, as if it were only to avenge his petty quarrel, and not to
vindicate the cause of offended justice, that the law was to take its
course. This was well reproved, on one occasion, by Justice Burnet. A
fellow, whom that judge was about to condemn for horse-stealing, said
it surely was a hard thing to be hanged for stealing a horse. “You are
not to be hanged, friend,” replied the Justice, “for stealing a horse,
but that horses may not be stolen.”
LORD BOLINGBROKE.
The famous Lord Bolingbroke, being at Aix-la-chapelle, during the
treaty of peace at that place (at which time his attainder was taken
off), was asked by an impertinent Frenchman, whether he came there in
any public character. “No, sir,” replied his Lordship, “I come like a
French minister, with no character at all.”
WHAT’S IN A NAME.
In a party of ladies, on it being reported that a Captain Silk had
arrived in town, they exclaimed, with one exception, “What a name for
a soldier!” “The fittest name in the world,” rejoined a witty female;
“for _silk_ never can be _worsted_!”
GREAT ENCOURAGEMENT.
A gentleman about to join his regiment, stationed in the West Indies,
was making some anxious inquiries of a brother officer, who had
returned, after serving several years in that climate, concerning the
best means of preserving health; to which the other replied, “During
our passage out, many serious discussions took place about the mode
of living best calculated to preserve health in a climate, with the
fatal effects of which on European constitutions every one is so well
acquainted. Some determined to be temperate, and drink nothing but
water; others, not to deviate from their usual manner of living. Not to
interrupt each other’s plans, we agreed to separate into two distinct
messes, which, from their different modes of living, very soon obtained
the distinctive appellations of the sober and the drunken club.”
“Well,” said the other gentleman, with some anxiety, “and what was the
result?” “Why, truly, not very satisfactory: we buried all the members
of the sober club in the course of a few months, and I am the only
survivor of the drunken.”
SIR GEORGE ROOKE.
The famous Sir George Rooke, when he was a captain of marines, was
quartered at a village where he buried a good many of his men. At
length, the parson refused to perform the ceremony of their interment
any more, unless he was paid for it; which being told to Captain Rooke,
he ordered six of his company to carry the corpse of the soldier then
dead, and lay him upon the parson’s table. This so embarrassed the
priest, that he sent the captain word, “If he would fetch the man away,
he would bury him and all his company for nothing.”
NEW READING IN HORACE.
Sir Robert Walpole, at the close of his administration, was sitting one
evening with some intimate friends, to whom he was complaining of the
vanities and vexations of office, adding, from the second epistle of
the second book of Horace,
“Lusisti satis, edisti, atque bibisti;
Tempus abire tibi est.”
“Pray, Sir Robert,” says one of his friends, “is that good Latin?”
“Why, I think so--what objections have you to it?” “Why,” says the
other drily, “I did not know but that the word might be _bribe_-isti in
YOUR HORACE.”
PUNNING COMPETITION.
George IV., when Prince of Wales, and Charles Fox, one day enjoying a
ride in the neighbourhood of Brighton, laid bets which of them should
make the _worst_ pun on the first subjects they met. Immediately after,
meeting a man carrying a dead _hare_ over his shoulder, Fox (who was to
make the first essay of his wit) accosted him thus: “Friend, is that
your own _hare_, or a _wig_?” Riding a little farther on, they came up
with two men, one of whom held a snuff-box in his hand. “So, friend,”
said the Prince, “I see you are a snuffer.” “Yes, sir,” replied the
man. “And are _you_ a snuffer also?” says he to the other man. “I am,
please your honour.” “Well, then, you are a _pair of snuffers_.” Fox
gained the bet.
NAVAL PUN.
A gentleman inquiring of a naval officer why sailors generally take
off their shirts on going into action, was answered, that “they were
unwilling to have any _check_ to fighting.”
FALSE REPORT.
A gentleman meeting an old friend, whom he had not seen for a long
time, congratulated him on lately coming to the possession of a large
landed estate. “There was such a report,” replied the other; “but, if
you will believe me, it was quite _groundless_.”
DIVERTING VAGABOND.
Mossop, the player, always spoke in heroics. A cobbler in Dublin,
who once brought home his boots, refused to leave them without the
money. Mossop came in whilst he was disputing, and, looking sternly,
exclaimed, “Tell me, are you the noted cobbler I have often heard of?”
“Yes,” says the fellow, “and I think you the diverting vagabond I have
often seen.”
PLURALITIES.
When George I. landed at Greenwich, the inhabitants, after discussing
the subject, of what was the highest honour they could confer upon the
newly arrived sovereign, determined upon electing him churchwarden,
which was accordingly done. A dispute, however, afterwards took place
in the vestry, as to whether he who was elected to serve the office of
king could serve the office of churchwarden at the same time.
LORD BARRYMORE.
One evening Lord Barrymore made a remark, which transported Anthony
Pasquin so much, that he vociferated for writing materials to note
it down. The former called him to order, and asked what he wanted?
“Ink--ink--ink, my lord!” he replied, striking his hand on the table.
“Do you?” said his lordship; “wash your hands, and then you’ll get a
quart.”
RECIPE FOR COOKING BEEF-STEAKS.
Two gentlemen, remarkable for a nice appetite, were disputing at a
coffee-house upon the best mode of cooking a beef-steak, and were
enumerating the different processes for bringing it to the table in
the highest perfection. Mr. Wewitzer, of Drury-Lane Theatre, who was
present, observed, that “of all the methods of cooking a beef-steak,
he thought Shakespeare’s recipe to be the shortest and the best.” Upon
being asked for an explanation, “Why, gentlemen,” said Wewitzer,
“If, when ’twere done, ’twere _well done_,
Then ’twere well it were _done quickly_.”
WHAT DO YOU WAIT FOR?
An officer, who had lost an eye, supplied it with a glass one, which he
always took out when he went to bed. Being in an inn, he took out his
eye, and gave it to the wench who attended, desiring her to lay it on
the table. The maid still waiting, and staring, he asked her, “What do
you wait for?” “Only for the other eye, sir,” said she.
LIKE THE MINISTRY.
Lord North, exulting over Charles Fox, on the news, in an extraordinary
gazette, of New York being conquered, the patriotic wit replied, “It
is a mistake, sir; New York is not conquered; it is only like the
ministry, _abandoned_!”
BON MOT OF A CLOWN, RELATED BY LORD SHAFTESBURY.
A clown once took a fancy to hear the Latin disputes of doctors at a
university. He was asked what pleasure he could take in viewing such
combatants, when he could never know so much as which of the parties
had the better. “For that matter,” replied the clown, “I a’n’t such
a fool neither, but I can see who’s the first that puts t’other in a
passion.”
READY MONEY LEGACY.
An English stock-jobber, known for his unexampled parsimony, although
possessed of an immense fortune, one day met a poor man, one of his
own relations. “Come hither, George,” said the miser, “do you know I
have just now made my will, and remembered you handsomely, my boy.”
“God bless your honour,” said the grateful man, “you will be rewarded
for so charitable an action, for you could not have thought of a more
distressed family.” “Are you indeed so very poor, George?” “Sir,
my family’s starving!” said the man, almost crying. “Harkye, then,
George, if you will allow me a good _discount_, I will pay your legacy
immediately.” We need not add, that the terms were accepted of, and
that they parted equally pleased with the bargain they had concluded.
A BONNE BOUCHE.
An elderly lady, on a visit at Margate, went into the market, having
made up her mind to buy a goose. There were but two in the market, both
in custody of a little cherry-cheek’d lass from Birchington, who, to
the surprise of her customer, positively refused to sell one without
the other. Recollecting that a neighbour had also expressed a wish for
one, the lady was, without much difficulty, prevailed on to take both.
When the bargain was concluded, however, she thought proper to inquire
of the vender, why she had so peremptorily declined selling them
separately? “If you please, my lady,” was the _naïve_ answer, “Mother
said as how the geese had lived together _fifteen years_, and it would
be cruel to part them.”
EQUITY.
A gentleman, resident at Harrow, made frequent complaints to the
masters of the great school there, of his garden being stripped of its
fruit, even before it became ripe--but to no purpose. Tired of applying
to the masters for redress, he at length appealed to the boys, and,
sending for one to his house, he said, “Now, my good fellow, I’ll make
this agreement with you and your companions: let the fruit remain on
the trees till it becomes ripe, and I promise to give you half.” The
boy coolly replied, “I can say nothing to the proposition, sir, myself,
but will make it known to the rest of the boys, and inform you of their
decision to-morrow.” To-morrow came, and brought with it this reply:
“The gentlemen of Harrow cannot agree to receive so _unequal_ a share,
since Mr. ---- is an individual, and we are many.”
RESULT OF A QUARREL.
A vicar and curate of a village, where there was to be a burial,
were at variance. The vicar not coming in time, the curate began the
service, and was reading the words, “I am the resurrection,” when the
vicar arrived almost out of breath, and snatching the book out of the
curate’s hand, with great scorn, cried, “_You_ the resurrection? _I_ am
the resurrection:” and then went on.
WELSH GENEALOGIES.
Sir Watkins William Wynne, talking to a friend about the antiquity of
his family, which he carried up to Noah, was told that he was a mere
mushroom. “Ay,” said he, “how so, pray?” “Why,” replied the other,
“when I was in Wales, a pedigree of a particular family was shewn
to me; it filled above five large skins of parchment, and about the
middle of it was a note in the margin:--_About this time the world was
created_.”
A TAR’S EXPEDIENT.