marching down pretty close to the enemy, he was observed to be so very
thoughtful (as is usual with most officers on their first battle) as
to take no notice of a drummer’s head that was shot off just before
him, though he received some of the brains on his coat. A veteran
officer observing this, went up to him, and endeavoured to rouse him,
by telling him the best way in these cases was not to think at all.
“Oh! dear sir,” says the other, with great presence mind, “you entirely
mistake my reverie; I have been only thinking what the devil could
bring this little drummer here, who seemed to possess such a _quantity
of brains_.”
ACTOR OF ONE PART.
A little after Lord Chatham (then Mr. Pitt) had _changed_ his
_political sentiments_ in regard to the protection of Hanover, in the
course of replying one day in the house of Commons to Sir Francis
Blake Delaval, he threw out some sarcastical reflections on him for
appearing on the stage; upon which the other got up and acknowledged it
was true; youth and whim led him once to amuse himself that way; but he
could safely lay his hand on his heart and say, “_He never acted but
one part_.”
SHERIDAN AND THE PLAY-WRITER.
During Sheridan’s management of Drury Lane, an author[E] had produced
a play which he offered to Covent Carden, saying, that it would make
Drury Lane a _splendid desert_. His play failed; but, soon after, he
prevailed on a friend to present a new one to Sheridan. “No! No!”
exclaimed the latter, “I can’t agree to connive at putting his former
threat into effect.”
THE ESQUIMAUX WOMAN.
Major Cartwright used to relate many curious particulars of this woman;
among others, that on being shewn the interior of St. Paul’s, she was
so struck with astonishment and awe, that her knees shook under her,
and she leaned for support on the person who stood next to her. After
a pause of some moments, she exclaimed, in a low and tremulous voice,
“Did man make it, or was it found here?”
A SIMPLE MACHINE OUT OF ORDER.
A gentleman, remarkable for having a great deal of lead in his
forehead, called one morning on a counsellor, who had asked what news?
“Why,” says the other, “I do not know; my head is confoundedly _out
of order_ this morning.” “That is extraordinary news, indeed,” says
the counsellor. “What! an extraordinary thing for a man to have the
headache!” ”No, sir,” says he, “I do not say that; but for so _simple a
machine to be out of order_ is extraordinary indeed!”
JOHNSON AND THE CARCASS BUTCHER.
An eminent carcass butcher, equally as meagre in his person as he was
in his understanding, being one day in a bookseller’s shop where Doctor
Johnson was, took up a volume of poems, and, by way of shewing his
taste, repeated with great affectation the following line:--
“Who rules o’er freemen, should himself be free.” “There is poetry for
you, doctor, what do you think of that?” “Rank nonsense, sir,” says the
other; “it is an assertion without a proof; and _you_ might, with as
much propriety, say,--
‘Who slays fat oxen, should himself be fat.’”
QUID RIDES?
A tobacconist having set up his chariot, in order to anticipate the
jokes that might be passed on the occasion, displayed on it the Latin
motto of “Quid rides?” Two sailors, who had frequented his shop,
seeing him pass by in his carriage, the one asked the meaning of the
inscription, when his companion said it was plain enough, repeating it
as two English words, _Quid rides_.
TOASTING CLOTH.
A child having got a flannel cloth to dry, while his mother was busied
otherwise, held it so close to the fire that it soon began to change
colour. “Mamma,” he cried, “is it enough when it looks brown?”
ETYMOLOGISTS.
Dr. Parr being asked who was his immediate predecessor in the
mastership of the free school at Norwich, replied, “It was Barnabas
Leman, an honest man, but without learning, and very tyrannical in his
discipline. This man had the impudence to publish, by a half-guinea
subscription, what he called an ‘English Derivative Dictionary,’ in
quarto. He pretended to find a derivation for every word in Saxon,
German, Dutch, Latin, Greek, and Hebrew. No matter what the word was,
whether culinary or vernacular, he undertook to find its etymology.
Coming to ‘pig’s pettytoes’ (a Norfolk way of dressing the feet of
sucking pigs), he was a little puzzled, but it did not stop him; so he
wrote, as it now stands in the book, ‘Pig’s petty-toes--a dish of which
the author of this Dictionary is very fond.’”
There lately resided in an Ayrshire village, a man who, like Leman,
proposed to write an Etymological Dictionary of the English language.
Being asked what he understood the word _pathology_ to mean, he
answered, with great readiness and confidence, “Why, the art of
_road-making_, to be sure.”
MR. ABERNETHY.
A lady, very much afflicted with nervous complaints, went to consult
the celebrated surgeon, Mr. Abernethy. The rough and caustic manner in
which he catechised her, so discomposed the fair one’s weak spirits,
that she was thrown into a fit of hysterics. On parting, she put
the usual fee into his hand, in the form of a one pound note and a
shilling. Mr. Abernethy pocketed the note with one hand, and with the
other presented the shilling to her, saying, gravely, “Here, madam,
take the shilling; go to the next toy-shop, buy a skipping-rope, and
use it every day; it will do you more good than all my prescriptions!”
INESTIMABLE VALUE OF A TAIL.
A monkey-faced fellow offered himself to Garrick as an actor. “It will
not do,” says Garrick; “but if you had a tail, no money should part us.”
TYPOGRAPHICAL WIT.
One meeting an acquaintance, who was a printer by profession, inquired
of him, “If it was true Mr.---- had put a period to his existence?”
“No, no,” replied the typographer, “he had only put a colon, for he is
now in a fair way of recovery.”
STOCK-JOBBERS.
A carpenter in Dorsetshire was employed to make a pair of stocks for
the parish, for which he charged a good round sum. One of the parochial
officers said, “You have made a good deal by that job.” “Yes,” said
Master Chip, “we stock-jobbers always attend to our own interest.”
COURAGE.
A man, in the habit of travelling, complaining to his friend that he
had often been robbed, and was afraid of stirring abroad, was advised
to carry pistols with him on his journey. “Oh! that would be worse,”
replied the hero, “the thieves would rob me of them also.”
GAME.
Lee Lewis, shooting on a field, the proprietor attacked him violently:
“I allow no person,” said he, “to kill game on my manor but myself, and
I’ll shoot you, if you come here again.” “What,” said the other, “I
suppose you mean to make game of me.”
SHORT DAYS AND LONG NIGHTS.
Bonnel Thornton, like most wits, was a lover of conviviality; which
frequently led him to spend the whole night in company, and all the
next morning in bed. On one of these occasions, an old female relation
having waited on him before he had arisen, began to read him a familiar
lecture on prudence, which she concluded by saying, “Ah! Bonnel,
Bonnel! I see plainly that you’ll _shorten your days_.” “Very true,
madam,” replied he, “but, by the same rule, you must admit that I shall
_lengthen my nights_.”
DR. PARR.
Dr. Parr was not very delicate in the choice of his expressions, when
heated by argument or contradiction. He once called a clergyman _a
fool_, who, indeed, was little better. The clergyman said he would
complain of this usage to the bishop. “Do,” said the doctor, “and my
Lord Bishop will _confirm_ you.”
A FAULT IN CANDLES.
Ralph Wewitzer, ordering a box of candles, said he hoped they would
be better than the last. The chandler said he was very sorry to hear
them complained of, as they were as good as he could make. “Why,” says
Ralph, “they were very well till about half burnt down, but after that
they would not burn any _longer_.”
BEST BODY OF DIVINITY.
Parker, Bishop of Oxford, being asked by an acquaintance what was the
best body of divinity, answered, “That which can help a man to keep a
coach and six horses.”
RECEIVER AS BAD AS THE THIEF.
The motto which was inserted under the arms of William Prince of
Orange, on his accession to the English crown, was, “Non rapui sed
recepi.”
“I did not steal, but I received.”
This being shewn to Dean Swift, he said, with a sarcastic smile, “The
receiver’s as bad as the thief.”
JUSTICE.
A French nobleman, who had been satirized by Voltaire, meeting the poet
soon after, gave him a hearty drubbing. The poet immediately flew to
the Duke of Orleans, told him how he had been used, and begged he would
do him justice. “Sir,” replied the duke, with a significant smile, “it
has been done you already!”
A NEW CHARACTER.
A late Duke of Norfolk was much addicted to the bottle. On a masquerade
night he asked Foote what new character he should go in. “Go _sober_!”
said Foote.
THE TRAGIC BARBER.
A hair-dresser, in a considerable town, made an unsuccessful attempt
in tragedy. To silence an abundant hissing he stepped forward and
delivered the following speech: “Ladies and gentlemen: yesterday I
_dressed_ you; to-night I AD_dress_ you; and to-morrow, if you please,
I will RE_dress_ you. While there is virtue in powder, pomatum, and
horse-tails, I find it easier to make an actor than to be one. _Vive la
bagatelle!_ I hope I shall yet shine in the part of a beau, though I
have not the felicity of pleasing you in the character of an emperor.”
JOHN TAYLOR.
This author had the merit of interrupting the servile etiquette of
kneeling to the king. “I myself,” says the water poet, “gave a book to
King James once, in the great chamber at Whitehall, as his majesty came
from the chapel. The Duke of Richmond said merrily to me:--‘Taylor,
where did you learn the manners to give the king a book and not kneel?’
‘My lord,’ said I, ‘if it please your grace, I do give now; but when I
beg anything, then I will kneel.’”
SAILOR’S OPINION OF PRAYING.
Two boys, belonging to the chaplains of two different men-of-war,
entertaining each other with an account of their respective manners of
living, “How often, Jack,” says one of them, “do you go to prayers?”
“We only pray,” replied Jack, “when we are afraid of a storm, or are
going to fight.” “Ay,” says the former, “there’s some sense in that;
but my master makes us go to prayers when there’s no more occasion for
it than for me to jump into the sea.”
A TRIFLER.
“I will forfeit my head if you are not wrong,” exclaimed a dull and
warm orator, to the president Montesquieu, in an argument. “I accept
it,” replied the philosopher: “any trifle among friends has a value.”
MILITARY ZEAL.
One of the king’s soldiers, in the Civil War, being full of zeal and
liquor, staggered against a church; and, clapping the wall of it
repeatedly with his hand, hiccupped out,--“D--n you, you old b--h, I’ll
stand by you to the last!”
SAVING ONE’S BACON.
A boy, who had not returned after the holidays to Winchester school,
which the master charged him to do, came back at last loaded with a
fine ham, as a bribe to the master, who took the ham, but flogged the
lad, and told him, “You may give my compliments to your mother for the
ham, but I assure you it shall not save your bacon.”
BUILDING CASTLES IN THE AIR.
During the Civil War, some persons of the royal party having mixed with
the republicans in company, were talking of their future hopes. “’Tis
all building castles in the air,” observed a surly republican. “Where
can we build them else?” replied a cavalier; “you have robbed us of
every inch of land.”
SOCIABLE AND SULKY.
A coachmaker remarking the fashionable stages or carriages, said, “That
a sociable was all the ton during the honey-moon, and a sulky after.”
STOREY RAISED.
Mr. Congreve going up the water in a boat, one of the watermen told
him, as they passed by Peterborough House, at Millbank, “that the house
had sunk a _storey_.” “No, friend,” said he; “I rather believe it is a
_storey_ raised.”
GRENADIER TOO DEEP.
During a retreat in the unfortunate Dutch campaign, when the army
was flouncing through the mud, in a part of the road uncommonly bad,
a company of the guards was much scattered: the commanding officer
called out to the men to form _two deep_. “D--me!” shouts a grenadier,
from between two mountains of mud; “I am _too deep_ already.”
POLITENESS.
An officer in battle happening to bow, a cannon-ball passed over his
head, and took off the head of a soldier who stood behind him. “You
see,” said he, “that a man never loses by politeness.”
WESTMINSTER ELECTION.
During the poll for the Westminster election between Mr. Fox, Lord
Hood, and Sir Cecil Wray, a dead cat was thrown on the hustings; one
of the adherents of the latter observed it stunk worse than a fox. “No
wonder,” said Mr. Fox, “considering it is a _Poll cat_.”
FOOTE.
When Foote was at Salt Hill, he dined at the Castle; and when Partridge
produced the bill, which was rather exorbitant, Foote asked him his
name. “Partridge, an’t please you,” said he. “Partridge!” returned
Foote; “it should be Woodcock, _by the length of your bill_.”
FUNERAL SERVICE.
A ludicrous mistake happened at a funeral in Mary-le-bone. The
clergyman had got on with the service, until he came to that part which
says, “Our deceased brother, or sister,” without knowing whether the
deceased was male or female. He turned to one of the mourners, and
asked, whether it was a brother or sister? The man very innocently
replied, “No relation at all, sir; only an acquaintance.”
PAINTER, POTS, AND ALL.
A painter was employed in painting a West India ship in the river,
suspended on a stage under the ship’s stern. The captain, who had just
got into the boat alongside, for the purpose of going ashore, ordered
the boy to let go the _painter_ (the rope which makes fast the boat).
The boy instantly went aft, and let go the rope by which the painter’s
stage was held. The captain, surprised at the boy’s delay, cried out,
“D--n your eyes, you lazy dog, why don’t you let go the painter?” The
boy replied, “He’s gone, sir, pots and all.”
JUDGE BURNET.
Judge Burnet, son of the famous Bishop of Salisbury, when young, is
said to have been of a wild and dissipated turn. Being one day found
by his father in a very serious humour, “What is the matter with you,
Tom,” said the Bishop; “what are you ruminating on?” “A greater work
than your lordship’s History of the Reformation,” answered the son.
“Ay! what is that?” asked the father. “The _reformation of myself_, my
lord,” replied the son.
UNIVERSITY PUN.
Dr. E----, recovered from some consumptive disorders, by the use of
egg diet, soon after married. W----, the master of University College,
Oxford, went to Dr. L----, then sick in bed, and resolved to discharge
a pun which he had made. “Well, sir,” said he, “Dr. E---- has been
_egged_ on to matrimony.” “Has he so?” said L----; “why, then, I hope
the _yoke_ will sit easy.”
DROPPING A FEE.
A physician attending a lady several times, had received a couple of
guineas each visit; at last, when he was going away, she gave him but
one; at which he was surprised; and, looking on the floor, as if in
search of something, she asked him what he looked for. “I believe,
madam,” said he, “I have dropt a guinea.” “No, sir,” replied the lady;
“it is I that have dropt it.”
SAILOR AND STAGE COACH.
An honest tar wishing to be coached up to town from Deptford, thought
it a very unbecoming thing in him, who had just been paid off, and had
plenty of money, not to have a whole coach to himself; so he took all
the places, and seated himself upon the top. The coach was about to set
off, when a gentleman appeared, who was holding an altercation with
the coachman about the absurdity of his insisting that the seats were
all taken and not a person in the coach. Jack, overhearing high words,
thought, as he had paid full freight, he had a right to interfere, and
inquired what was the matter? when, being told that the gentleman was
much disappointed at not getting a seat, he replied, “You lubber, stow
him away in the hold; but I’ll be d----d if he come upon deck.”
WIT INCURABLE.
A facetious character, whose talents for humour in private companies
were the cause of his being always a guest in convivial societies, had,
by late hours and attachment to the bottle, brought himself into a
dropsy: insomuch, that the faculty, one and all, agreed nothing could
save him but tapping. After much persuasion, he consented to the
operation, and his surgeon and assistants arrived with the necessary
apparatus. Bob was got out of bed, and the operator was on the point
of introducing the trocar into the abdomen, when, as if suddenly
recollecting himself, he bid the doctor stop. “What! are you afraid?”
cried the surgeon. “No,” says the other; “but, upon recollection,
it will not be proper to be tapped here; for nothing that has been
_tapped_ in this house ever lasted long.”
BLACK GUARDS.
A punster, on hearing that the clergy were about to embody themselves
for the defence of their country, after making some observations on
their sable attire, and how ill the sword would become it, exclaimed,
“Oh! England, unhappy England! to what a condition are we reduced, when
we are to be indebted for the defence of our rights and interests to a
band of _black guards_!”
THAT’S MY THUNDER.
Dennis, the critic, was the author of a tragedy acted at Drury Lane,
in 1709, called Appius and Virginia. For the advantage of his play,
Mr. Dennis had invented a new kind of thunder, which the actors much
approved of, and is the same made use of at the theatre to this day.
Notwithstanding this aid, the tragedy failed. Some nights after, the
author being in the pit at the representation of Macbeth, and hearing
the thunder made use of, he arose in a rage, and exclaimed, “By G--d,
that’s my thunder! See how these rascals use me; they will not let my
play run, and yet they steal my thunder.”
STREET SWEEPER.
A gentleman, crossing the Strand, was applied to by a man, who sweeps
the cross-ways, for charity. The gentleman replied, “I am going a
little farther, and will remember you when I return.” “Please your
honour,” says the man, “it is unknown the credit I give in this way.”
A STANDING JOKE.
Munden, when confined to his bed, and unable to put his feet to the
ground, being told by a friend that his dignified indisposition was the
laugh of the green-room, pleasantly replied, “Though I love to make
others laugh, yet I wish much rather they would make me a standing
joke.”
SIMPLE PRESCRIPTION.
A patient of some distinction, who was teazing Peter Pindar with his
symptoms, and who had nothing scarcely to complain of, told him that
he frequently had an itching, and begged to know what he should do.
“Scratch yourself, sir,” replied Peter; which laconic advice lost him
his patient.
TWO OF US.
“Sirrah,” said a justice to one brought before him, “you are an arrant
knave.” “Am I, sir?” says the prisoner; “just as your worship spoke,
the clock struck two.”
NOT HALF WAY TO THE BOTTOM.
A gentleman riding down a steep hill, and fearing the foot of it was
unsound, called out to a clown who was ditching, and asked him if it
was hard at the bottom. “Ay,” answered the countryman, “it is hard
enough at the bottom, I warrant you.” But in half a dozen steps the
horse sunk up to the saddle-girths, which made the gentleman whip,
spur, and swear. “Why, thou rascal!” said he, “didst thou not tell me
it was hard at the bottom?” “Ay,” replied the fellow, “but you are not
half way to the bottom yet.”
SHARP REPARTEE.
A countryman sowing his ground, two smart fellows riding that way, one
of them called to him with an insolent air, “Well, honest fellow,” said
he, “’tis your business to sow, but we reap the fruits of your labour.”
To which the countryman replied, “’Tis very like you may, for I am
sowing hemp.”
GARRICK.
Garrick and Rigby, walking together in Norfolk, observed upon a board
at a house by the road-side the following strange inscription: “A goes
koored hear.” “Heavenly powers!” said Rigby, “how is it possible that
such people as these can cure agues?” “I do not know,” replied Garrick,
“what their prescription is; but I am certain it is not by a spell.”
REASON FOR WEEPING.
A gentleman, taking an apartment, told the landlady, “I assure you,
madam, I never left a lodging but my landlady shed tears.” She
answered, “I hope it was not, sir, because you went away without
paying.”
DRUNKEN LEGS.
Garrick was walking one day upon the Boulevards at Paris with the
famous Preville, the first comic actor of the French theatre. To amuse
themselves, and some of their friends, they imitated two drunken men so
well, that the company scampered away to avoid them; when Garrick, in
the midst of their career, in a loud whisper, said to his companion,
_Preville, voire pied droit n’est pas assez ivre; mettez y la moindre
idée de plus_; i.e., “Preville, your right foot is not drunk enough;
throw the least shade more into it.”
GENERAL BOYD.
When General Boyd was Governor of Gibraltar, he wrote an order to a Mr.
Brown, his agent in London, for provisions for the garrison, but forgot
to insert what he wanted for his own private stores, until the letter
was sealed up, and the vessel by which it was to be sent on the point
of sailing, he therefore wrote on the outside, “_Brown, Beef, Boyd_.”
His agent returned his provision, with an epistle equally laconic,
written immediately under the direction, “_Boyd, Beef, Brown_.”
CONSTITUTIONAL COLD.
“When I have a cold in my head,” said a gentleman in company, “I am
always remarkably _dull and stupid_.” “You are much to be pitied then,
sir,” replied another, “for really it is a complaint that troubles you
_very often_.”
HYPERBOLICAL POLITENESS.
The witty and licentious Earl of Rochester meeting with the great Isaac
Barrow in the Park, told his companions that he would have some fun
with the rusty old pot. Accordingly he went up with great gravity, and,
taking off his hat, made the doctor a profound bow, saying, “Doctor,
I am yours to my shoe tie.” The doctor, seeing his drift, immediately
pulled off his beaver, and returned the bow with, “My lord, I am yours
to the ground.” Rochester followed up his salutation by a deeper
bow, saying, “Doctor, I am yours to the centre.” Barrow, with a very
low obeisance, replied, “My lord, I am yours to the antipodes.” His
lordship, nearly gravelled, exclaimed, “Doctor, I am yours to the
lowest pit of hell.” “There, my lord,” said Barrow sarcastically, “I
leave you,” and walked off.
PATIENCE.
A Fellow of Trinity College, Cambridge, on the eve of his departure
from the University, preached at St. Mary’s upon these words, _Have
patience with me, and I will pay you all_; and, owing a great sum of
money in the town, enlarged mightily on the first part of the text,
_Have patience, &c_. “Now,” says he, “I should come to the second part,
_and I will pay you all_; but having prest too long on your patience, I
must leave that to the next opportunity; so pray have patience with me!”
NO BAD EXCHANGE.
“How are you this morning,” said Fawcett to Cooke. “Not at all myself,”
says the tragedian. “Then, I congratulate you,” replied Fawcett; “for
be whoever else you will, you will be a gainer by the bargain.”
EXTREME UNCTION.
As the late Earl of Chesterfield and Lord Petre were once stepping out
of a carriage, a great lamp, oil and all, fell from the centre of an
iron arch before the house, missing Lord Petre by about half-an-inch.
“Oh, my lord,” said he, “I was near being gone!” “Why, yes,” replied
the Earl coolly, “but there would certainly have been one comfort
attending the accident, since you must infallibly have received extreme
unction before you went.”
RICH AND THE HACKNEY COACHMAN.